The Amazing Rando 0 Report post Posted September 18, 2003 It's Kinda Fun To Do The Impossible - Walt Disney The scene fades in slowly to show what seems to be a rickety wooden sign promisng "Wait From This Point - 30 Minutes". A sigh from the cameraman puts the scene into fast forward, watching the line slowly disappear as the camera zooms toward the loading dock. When the cameraman finally reaches the dock, a small boat appears around the corner, piloted by none other than the SJL's own Alan Clark. As the guests unload from his boat he notices the camera, giving it a wave and a smile as he pushes the boat toward the loading zone and puts the microphone up to his lips. Alan: Is everybody ready for a CRUISE!? The crowd claps and cheers lighty as Alan stops the boat, signalling for the first few passangers to jump on. As they board he continues his speil; the cameraman jumps on last. Alan: Welcome aboard the Jungle Cruise everybody, my name is Alan and i'll be your skipper, alligator wrestler, tour guide, photo opportunist, and if needed I will also be your swimming instructor... A few guests gasp Alan: No no...i'm just kidding... ...I can't swim. Now lets go! The boat has taken off from the dock and begins around the corners...Alan continues his spiel Alan: Now...we are going to be visiting FOUR rivers on THREE continents and we are starting with the Amazon down in South America...you know how we tell that we are in the Amazon... ...by that speaker over there... Alan points at a not-to-hidden speaker as they pass Alan: Now we have arrived on the Nile River...ooooooooo...everybody say "oooo" Everybody says OOOOOOOO Alan: Everybody say "aaaaahhhh" Everybody says aaaahhhh Alan: Everbody say "Blazenwing Is A Tool!" Everybody shrugs whilst belting out "Blazenwing Is A Tool!" Alan: Good Job! Now...here all the banks are these two lovely african elephants...how do we know they are African Elephants? Alan shoves his mic into a middle-aged man's face Man: I have no idea Alan: Because we are in AFRICA! The crowd groans as the trip continues Alan: Now we come up on my camp...as you can see I... Alan notices huge silverback gorillas destroying his camp, complete with upside jeep... Alan: Oh no! Frost! Pete! I thought I told you that I was working today! And if you are going to take my jeep out...remember to turn the lights off...I can't trust you guys with ANYTHING! The two or three SWF fans in the boat get the joke, everyone else sits in silence Alan: Ahem...well...moving on. Say...what is that thing where the water kinda shoots off a cliff at high speeds and kinda falls straight down...do you know what I am talking about...what is that? Alan asks the same man as a huge waterfall appears in the background Man: a waterfall? Alan: No...no...that's not it... Alan turns around Alan: A WATERFALL! WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME! Alan spins the wheel wildy and almost dives out of the boat, trying to use his weight to turn the boat... Alan: Everybody...lean to the right...lean to the right...don't worry about looking stupid...that's MY job! The boat turns just before hitting the falls and heads around a sharp loop and through the hippo pool...where more things are said that vaguely remember jokes until the come up upon the same waterfall again. Alan: Uh oh...here comes those falls again...but it seems we might be able to squeeze between the water and the rocks...here we go... and if you look you will be able to see something that I has caused me to hit my head of sinks hundreds of times... ...the BACKSIDE OF WATER! Groans in the boat are heard as the trip continues on and into an ancient temple... Alan: Uh oh...I don't remember this the other hundred or so times I've done this tour...they must have put it in this morning...what do you think we will find inside? Action? Adventure? Excitement? A GIFT SHOP!? The crowd roars with each question as the boat travels into darkness...past a tiger jutting out through the rocks Alan: Look at those glowing green eyes...it looks like Quiz has been here... see that smile... and up ahead we have...OH NO! Gold plates adorn the rocks Alan: Plates........why did it have to be plates... The boat continues..."barely escaping" the treacherous temple and out into the 4th river of the journey Alan: There have been reports of natives attacking all over the place around here...ALL OVER...OH NO! Up ahead, a group of natives is in the middle of ritualistic dancing Alan: That's a war dance...we could be under attack...and look at that band! I saw them on Behind The Aboriginal Music the other day...does that guy have a shell on his forehead! SHEIK! The boat safely makes it past Alan: Woooo...good thing they only attack on the right side of the bo-OH NO! DUCK! DUCK! not Donald you fools! LOOK OUT! On the left side, attackers peer from the brush, ready to hurl their spears...the boat...being a Disney boat...makes it through safely with little more than food poisining Alan: Wow...amazing...and what would a trip through the jungle be without a visit from the Cheif...he's having a special just for today...two of his heads for only ONE of yours...any takers? I didn't think so... The boat passes the Cheif, who is holding two shrunken heads...offering them as souveniors to the weary guests Alan: And now...the worst part of our journey..........back to the DOCKS! We have a dock on the right and a dock on the left...it's a Paradox! get it...come on... now I want everyone to cheer REALLY LOUDLY when we get unloaded okay... The boat pulls up to the docks and the crowd in the boat goes WILD with cheering and clapping and everything else Alan: See boss...I told you I deserved that raise... The cameraman stumbles out of the boat and toward the exit, looking back for a moment at Alan, who waves and smiles once more before the scene turns to black Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Insanityman Report post Posted September 18, 2003 Very nice as always. Those jokes were so so terrible, which made them so great. I can't wait 'til the wrestling debut. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Dr. Tyler; Captain America 0 Report post Posted September 18, 2003 ... ...hahahahahaha! Genius, I say. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Suicide King Report post Posted September 18, 2003 I give you love! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Above Average 0 Report post Posted September 18, 2003 You are a curious one, you are... not that thats a bad thing Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest ToddRoyal Report post Posted September 19, 2003 Is it wrong that I smiled at the backside of water joke? Yes? Nice promo either way and I'll certainly be interested to see who this translates to in-ring action... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
The Amazing Rando 0 Report post Posted September 19, 2003 I give you love! Alan Clark wakes in a cold sweat in Disney's Wilderness Lodge... ........ Alan shivers to himself a bit before laying back down, making sure to lay on his back Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
