WWE SMACKDOWN WORKRATE REPORT- 10/2/2003!

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

I'm out of the loop so I will do this all in the present tense and try to make it annoyingly real time. It's like we are starting anew. We all deserve a second chance to get it right again. Yes. Yes we do.

 

They have a new intro. I think I missed that the last two weeks where I haven't watched this. I am completely unaffected by it. The flashing. The sweating. The flashing.

 

WHAT IS WORKING

 

- Eddy Guerrerro is coming out and I dig his lowrider. I thing it's a Falcon or a Dodge Dart or something. Guerrerros coated with wrestling belts says to me that the WWE respects their belts currently. Matt Motherfucking Hardy rocks the motherfucking world and you can't deny it. YOU CAN'T! There were hijinxs the last couple of weeks. Hardy plus Eddy is fucking gold. Both punch all neat and the action is all highflying. Eddy's got the "Useta Work out in Yard But They Moved Me To The Office To Track Inventory" ghost of a mullet hairstyle. My older brother has that because he cut off his mullet when he moved from the shipyard to the office of the shipyard. So I'm all over it. Eddy punches like an absolute motherfucker and Matt hits the I Should Have Gone To New Japan And Been A Junior Because Look At My Bad Assed Powerbomb. Actually, Eddy is making this a low-grade IWGP Jr title match because the selling is cut to fractions but the internal rational of the NJ Jr selling also works. Hardy whips out the fabulous elbow drop and I am happy that he uses it to follow up with the missed elbow to move to Eddy's TRANSITION to Locomotion Vertical Suplexes. And Jesus knows I love a superplex. They feign a ten count and Matt goes back on offense and they mirror the toprope comeback and Eddy hits a SWEET toprope Frankensteiner. Eddy does SWEEEEET rollthrough on the neckbreaker and they cheat and cheat and cheat to get Eddy to the Love Machine Splash and I want these two to wrestle 45 minutes.

 

- Eddy and Chavo talk shit to Big Show. Big Show pisses off the Guerrerros so I'm assuming that Eddy and Chavo will go FULL stereotype and we will find Big Show in the bathroom stall with his tongue coming out from his neck. I'm guessing here. The Guerrerro's new tagteam finisher will be the Columbian Necktie Driver 91. (These Welcome To Crazyworld commercials make me want to smoke a pack of Camels while drinking 4 packs of cigarrettes ground up into a cup of Red Man juice while injecting nicotine patches directly into my heart.) Chavo enjoys the idea of Eddy filling Big Show full of holes and then going after his family.

 

- Benoit is wrestling and A-Train is commentating. A-Train is very Fred Dryer-esque in his delivery. The Rapid Wolverine and Charlie Haas take it to the mat and it's pretty neat. Tazz talks about Benoit riding A-Train. A-Train says that Benoit can ride him. We who enjoy a hairy oily man being ridden by a small, Canadian, Doug Flutie-esque man pop disturbing and thought-provoking wood. A-Train talks about being a great big man. A-Train says how he is a dominator and I toast a load over my Nazareth album collection onto my Lawrence Welk commemorative figurines. A-Train says Haas has softened up Benoit and I am right there myself at this point. A-Train says that if you give him leverage, he can break a man and I am ready for round two already. Haas goes for a submission and then Benoit goes for some sweet Germans and the Sharpshooter. Haas goes on offense by CRUSHING Benoit's neck. A-Train rushes the ring as Benoit procures the Crossface and uses the Crippler Crossface on Benoit. Haas vs Benoit shows that it would be a far cooler match than A-Train vs Benoit but the heart has it's reasons....

 

- Tajiri is wrestling Bizzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz oh right. Kidman bumps really crazy. Tajiri works on the arm. Nasty kick to the throat. Tajiri kicking the shoulder while working the arm is fucking beautiful. Kidman reverses an armdrag attempt and goes on offense! He hits a ezzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz......... ...... What! It's 2023?!?!! Chelsea Clinton is President?! Erkel won an OSCAR?!?! Terry Funk retired again!?!?! My wife tried to pull the plug 19 and half years ago?!?!?! Oh, wait. Sorry. The finish via kicking Kidman in the groin was perfectly fine. Nice Rydeen bomb by Billzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

 

- Zach with the Loggins and Messina t-shirt gets him in the worked column.

 

- Cena and Brock are tagging together against Kurt Angle and the Undertaker. Why hasn't anybody told Cole that the term is "Ground and Pound"? Do they laff and laff and laff and laff in the back when he says it wrong? Cena and UT are always gold for some reason. I think Cena plays into UT's MUGA-West tendencies. OH FUCK! FUCK! GREATEST BUMP EVER! ANGLE IS FUCKING WRESTLING JESUS! THAT WAS FUCKING AWWWWWESOME! After the commercial, Brock does a nice elbow drop. They work over Angle and UT works the crowd like a MUGA PRO. Angle does the nice German to Brock to get on offense and do the great Southern tag staples that you and I love so much. Brock is fucking GREAT on offense and fucking great at cutting off Angle's comebacks. The hot tag is hot and Brock takes the FUCKING CRAZIEST BUMP OF THE MATCH going over the top. God, this match fucking rocks. UT vs Brock is pretty fucking great- as Ut is so fired up these days and is ready to bump big to hang with Brock's demanding offense. Cena using a chain to win a match as weirdly quasi-Southern as this is perfectly fine. Great fucking match for free TV.

 

WHAT IS NOT WORKING

 

- My labrador has gas and God knows I'm no walk in the park myself.

 

- Cena talks to Josh Whatshisname. Josh lies. Cena doesn't have dope rhymes. I said it. I'll stand by it. Not dope rhymes. I saw Spoonie G at the Richmond Coliseum in 1988 so I'm STREET AND OLD SCHOOL AS A MOTHERFUCKER. FUCK ALL YOU MOTHERFUCKERS. The Bill Walton throwback was cool, but not NEARLY as cool as the Moses Malone throwback from a few weeks back.

 

- GODDAMIT! Phil Schneider gave me a joke about the Stephanie vs Vince match and I CANNOT remember it. I was thinking that this was a match that would not make me want to spend 40 dollars to see a wrestling PPV. Stephanie being sexually SATISFIED by Mean Gene Okerlund in a Rey Misterio Jr mask in the middle of the ring would get my 40. Yes it would.

 

- APA comes out and Ron Simmons looks relaxed as the True Bringer Of Unashamed Masturbation! I'm BLACK Y'ALL! I JACK OFF Y'ALL! Simmons looks kinda DOOMLIKE early on and I'm excited. Bradshaw does some nice forearms in the corner and nice hammerlock in the pinning attempt. I notice that I'm becoming attracted to Shaniqua. Bashams' punches suck so much dick that I can't concentrate on Shaniqua's beauty. APA and the time given don't really make for a very hot tag. The ending is complete mess. Shaniqua leaning into the lariat like a QUEEN almost saved this. mmmmmmmmmmmbuuuutitdidn't.

 

- I'm. i'm. I'm guessing that Eddy did something to the burritos. Unless Eddy laced them with Drano, it's going down here. UPDATE: THERE WAS SOMETHING IN THE BURRITOS! WOW! If they really wanted Big Show to get over as a heel, they would have had him drop his singlet and projectile fecal spray a full 360 onto the first three rows. That would rule.

 

- Sable and Vince are dressed to match. There is somebody in the crowd with a MOTHERFUCKING GREAT BAD COMPANY T-shirt. So fucking great that I can't even think of good Sable Is A Slut joke. Yet. Tommy Shaw comes out and says he will do the "I Quit" match! HE IS A RENEGADE! HE IS SAILING AWAY! God, when did any member of Styx have such gigantic fake titties? I guess when you get too old for groupies you can get an operation to "gift" yourself with continuous groupies. But who could be sure? Vince talks about leaving Stephanie in a bloody mess- as if Vince will be the first to defile his own daughter. Tommy Shaw and Gunner Nelson beat the shit out of each other until Vince does a Training School Bodyslam. Hey, I got it. Let them go fully incestuous with the Vince vs Stephanie match like YOU KNOW they want to and make it an "I'm Finished" Match.

 

THERE YOU HAVE IT.

 

DEAN RASMUSSEN.

[Bored 0]

Stephanie being sexually SATISFIED by Mean Gene Okerlund in a Rey Misterio Jr mask in the middle of the ring would get my 40. Yes it would.

Fucking gold.

 

What about Marty Jannetty fucking Stephanie in a Psychosis mask? Okay watching twins fuck might a bit disturbing.

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

What about Marty Jannetty fucking Stephanie in a Psychosis mask? Okay watching twins fuck might a bit disturbing.

Well. AT FIRST it would be.

 

DEAN.

[The Czech Republic 0]

How do Jaromir Jagr of the Washington Capitals figure into this?

[AndrewTS 0]

I am filled with chili...

 

Holy shit! Me too, man! That's eerie.

 

Eddy punches like an absolute motherfucker and Matt hits the I Should Have Gone To New Japan And Been A Junior Because Look At My Bad Assed Powerbomb. Actually, Eddy is making this a low-grade IWGP Jr title match because the selling is cut to fractions but the internal rational of the NJ Jr selling also works. Hardy whips out the fabulous elbow drop and I am happy that he uses it to follow up with the missed elbow to move to Eddy's TRANSITION to Locomotion Vertical Suplexes. And Jesus knows I love a superplex. They feign a ten count and Matt goes back on offense and they mirror the toprope comeback and Eddy hits a SWEET toprope Frankensteiner. Eddy does SWEEEEET rollthrough on the neckbreaker and they cheat and cheat and cheat to get Eddy to the Love Machine Splash and I want these two to wrestle 45 minutes.

 

Indeed. Vince, I HOPE YOU WERE WATCHING BASTICH!! Eddy is Eddy and Matt so totally doesn't suck for a WWE-produced guy he should be maining in 3 years or less pronto.

 

A-Train rushes the ring as Benoit procures the Crossface and uses the Crippler Crossface on Benoit. Haas vs Benoit shows that it would be a far cooler match than A-Train vs Benoit but the heart has it's reasons....

 

Yeah, but if Train's commentary is any indication it will be a much different kind of match...in bed.

 

Tajiri is wrestling Bizzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz oh right.

 

Poor Dean, apparently you missed Tajiri kicking Billy in the head and the crowd going all like "you want us to boo Tajiri? Fuck that! Murder that boring little pussy!"

 

OH FUCK! FUCK! GREATEST BUMP EVER! ANGLE IS FUCKING WRESTLING JESUS! THAT WAS FUCKING AWWWWWESOME!

 

Indeed. Shame that Cena's offense has gotten more limited since he debuted vs. Angle last year.

 

If they really wanted Big Show to get over as a heel, they would have had him drop his singlet and projectile fecal spray a full 360 onto the first three rows. That would rule.

 

Admit it Dean, you miss Rikishi and the excuse to talk about his high-powered rectal cannon.

[iliketurtles 0]

At least I'm not the only one who thought the tag match rocked.

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

If they really wanted Big Show to get over as a heel, they would have had him drop his singlet and projectile fecal spray a full 360 onto the first three rows. That would rule.

 

Admit it Dean, you miss Rikishi and the excuse to talk about his high-powered rectal cannon.

I thought about trying to work Rikishi in but then the thought of Big Show doing a Boogalou Shrimp breakdancing spin on his shoulders while crap is flying out of his bare ass and I thought that would complicated enough.

 

DEAN.

[Guest Doyo]

I am filled with chili...

 

Holy shit! Me too, man! That's eerie.

Whoah, me three! And I haven't had chili in about six months.

Something ain't right.

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

I am filled with chili...

 

Holy shit! Me too, man! That's eerie.

Whoah, me three! And I haven't had chili in about six months.

Something ain't right.

Tomorrow, we DEFINATELY stay away from each other.

 

DEAN.

[Cran Da Maniac 0]

I am filled with chili...

 

Holy shit! Me too, man! That's eerie.

Whoah, me three! And I haven't had chili in about six months.

Something ain't right.

All I have to add is that I too am filled with chili