GAH! BOOZE your WWE Smackdown Workrate Report!

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

Hey! I'm not sure how this is going to work out. I'm not editing shit tonight so if something doesn't mek sense, you can blame me or you can balme my giant lack of sleep (as my kids have gone on the To Bed At 7:45 PM, Up at 4:45 schedule since day lights savings time) or you can blame the fact that I'm plowing through a 12 of Southpaw Lite Booze (@ 5.0%). Fuck it. It's 7 till 8:00, I'll start on the Baron saga...

 

WHAT WORKED-

 

- THE CONTINUING ADVENTURES OF AL WILSON: Al Wilson spoke to the drowzy Baron. Al's arms were too secure for Al to even move his shoulders- but Al was also a man. Al had a real moral compass, but he also knew the part of the world of Men where a moral compass is of no navigational use- he knew of affairs of the heart and he also could see into the introspective eyes of the Baron. "So, you going to kill me or what?"

 

"Yes, I vill kill you. I have nozing else to do vith you. I have nothing inside me to stop myself from killing you. I figured I vould torture you first and garner as much information as I could. I have no feelings anymore- not for you, not for me, not for zis world. I have left but duty to my loved ones to rule ze vorld and gif mein children... mein children...MEIN CHILDREN......."

 

Al Wilson looked into the maw of eternity and made peace with himself that he would die. And then looked at the quivering mass of the Baron- the Baron now a weeping, screaming wretch. "MEIN CHILDREN WHO NO LONGER TALK TO ME! MEIN CHILDREN AND MEIN VIFE ZAT THINK ZAT I AM INSANE! Mein children... mein children.... mein beloved children...."

 

Al looked on with great compassion. Al was about to die at this man's hands but it was a comfort to him to know and have a rationalization as to why he was to die now. Al was a father and understood how this could drive a man to give up on his own very soul. Al looked at his own life and the betrayal by his own children and it dawned on him that he pitied the Baron for having to continue to live while being permanently driven away from the love and respect of his own children.

 

"That's fucked up, Baron."

 

The Baron turned and was no longer sad. He was now very angry. "YES IT IS, mein freund Al Vilson. It is QVITE fucked up. It is pathetic and FUCKED UP. I know about you and I know you understand because you are in ze same predicament. Zat is vy I haf no respect for you. Ver is your love? Vere is your SENSE OF DUTY! VY VOULD YOU TAKE ZIS SO EASILY?!?! ARE YOU SO BLOODLESS ZAT IT DOES NOT BOTHER YOU ZAT YOUR OWN DAUGHTER- YOUR OWN FLESH AND BLOOD- you.... you... your own FLESH AND BLOOD haz BETRAYED YOU!" The Baron balled up his fist and crushed the side of Al Wilson's face and Al Wilson was instantly unconscious.

 

The Baron settled down into his chair and began to cry. He drifted off into thought about another time, another woman. When he was 23...

 

- Benoit and Angle wrestle Cena and A-Train. A-Train and Cena bump like fucking mutants for Angle's suplexes and A-Train hits a SWEEEET Western Lariat and then a superfresh Avalanche. Goddamit! Take it home! I have to pee! Stupid lite beer. WHAT KIND OF MAN DRINKS LITE BEER?!?!? When did I become such a powdered assed pussy? Benoit is fucking great as guy on the apron and Cena does a really nice cut off of Angle's first comeback. Cena looks fucking great in this match for some reason- taking the DDT right on his face. Benoit is fun all a-fire and A-Train sells the comical running axe handle. Benoit misses the headbutt and BOY! I've REALLT Got to pee! Benoit chops big to offense and hits the Locomotion German Suplex on A-Train and then hits the FAT ASS Toprope Headbutt for the win?!?! WHAT? Since when does he win with a toprope headbutt? Angle and Benoit as a tagteam is fun. Cena beats on A-Train after the match. Hmmmmm... A-Train vs Cena. No. Not good. Good enough wrestlin match though. Let's now go to the commercial so I can now let loose the briny fury that booze doth bring! GODDAMIT! Vignette!

 

- Torie comes out of the shower and she is trying on garters and RIGHT WHEN THE 46 YEAR OLD VIRGINS START JACKING OFF- THEY SWITCH TO CHRIS BENOIT WALKING WITHOUT A SHIRT! Confused latent homosexual fat guys blow a pungent load and the crying starts. Big tears. Big sad tears of confusion and love and repression and Jesus look how good that Canadian batch of man-candy looks when I whip out my junk! I MEAN TORRIE! TORRIE WAS WEARING A TOWEL! Oh mommy... oh mommy.... I swear I like girls....

 

- Ultimo Dragon and Rey Rey have a match while Tajiri does commentary with his boys. FUCK YOU COLE! TAJIRI SAID IT WAS A MOTHERFUCKING ACCIDENT! THAT BITCH WAS ASKING FOR IT! What the fuck is Rey Rey wearing? Fuscia shorts and aqua leggings? Was he late getting out of his Jazzercise class? FUCK YOU COLE! HE SAID HE SAID HE WAS SORRY! FUCK NOBLE IF HE CAN'T ACCEPT AN APOLOGY! Ultimo wins when Rey Rey throws UD into the ref, allowing Tajiri to kick him in the head. I wanted to kick him in the head myself because of those pants. Tajiri vs UD will be fun.

 

- Paul London no-selling the fake titties of Dawn Marie and going straight back to his video game gets him so over with me.

 

- BIG LOTS is sponsoring Smeltdorn! Big Lots fucking rules, you fucking pussy-assed mama's boys. BOOZE~!

 

- See, the reason that Queen was the greatest band in the world was because....(fill in your essay here)

 

- Chavo demands focus. Eddy is lacking focus. Visibly, he is in need of focus. Eddy then gives the best fucking Cactus Jack interview ever not actually given by Cactus Jack. That's how you get over. Then he becomes Eddy the Construction worker. Shaniqua is AWESOME. Jesus Christ, will she bump. They heat up a fued that could be fun- as the Guerrerros chase the Bashams what have the belts.

 

- See, I'm drunk. Oh yeah. Drunk drunk drunk. Sir Mix-a-lot is a musical genius. "Baby Got Back" is a declaration of the TRUE essence of America. It REALLY should be the new National Anthem. Fuck yeah, a real American doesn't want a Clalista Flockhart flat-assed gal unless she DEEPLY has other qualities to make up for it. The true image of a nation is what that nation's conception of beauty is. The browning of America brings my Polynesian need to get that bubble into the mainstream. Our conception of beauty was captured succintly by Mix-A-Lot and he defiantly said that American men like big butts. I cannot lie! I also like big butts. Fuck all that other shit. When a round things in my face I GET SPRUNG. Fuck you, motherfucker. I GET SPRUNG. I. GET. SPRUNG. YEah, yeah, yeah. Say watcha like. I GET SPRUNG. Fuck a Star Spangled Banner. I GET SPRUNG. here in the Land of Free and the HOME OF THE MOTHERFUCKING BRAVE, I GET SPRUNG. Okay, we should combine the "Land of the Free and home of the brave" section with "Baby Got Back" and THEN we will have our TRUE NATIONAL ANTHEM. GOD BLESS AMERICA. MOTHERFUCKER.

 

- Amin Event means BOOOOOOOOOOZE. Rejoice in the fact that my children have been asleep for two hours now and that my wife can kick my ass and your ass without really breaking a sweat. APA brings out their sweet sweet sweet sweet clubbing forearms. MUGAtaker is fun talking about needing to take a beating sometimes. Word. Brock comes oot. I say "oot" because I have a genuine fondness for Canada. I goes back to the CFL games they showed during the NFL strike of 1982 and the Captain Canuck comics that were available at Roses in 1979. Plsu Alpaha Flight and my love of Wolverine when I was 12. Wolverine plus age 12 is something many generation of men didn't have and they were so much poorer for never experiencing it. Big Show has a great theme song but y'know- I must pee yet again. Jebus, it's liek 4 till and there isn't a match yet. Wha? Bradshaw bring loving beautiful clubbing forearms. Big Show can't club with forearms so he headbutts. Big Show does the worst wiffed headbutt ever. Farooq is less good. He does set up a BEAUTIFUL lariat by Bradshaw. Brock uses a chair and APA wins with the DQ. Postmatch, they beat on the APA. APA teammates, Angle and Benoit make the save and then Morgan and Jones make the save of the save. That was perfectly fine. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOZE!

 

WHAT DIDn'T WORK-

 

- Yo Vince, yell at Heyman AFTER I PEE. Plus it was supposed to some kind of SHOOT! Vince does look like J Jonah Jameson with that hairstyle- which is amusing. Heyman as fat gay Spiderman doesn't quite work. Jebus fucking Crap! Act less, commercial more! I HAVE TO PEE! PEE! PEE! Vince overacts so much that my urine goes back into my bloodstream to poison me and kill- as my urine is mad at me for forcing it to watch this shit. Ah finally. Sweet release of peeing as a man will peeingly pee.

 

- Did Vince write the aural blowjob that Heyman performed on him? I think Heyman said "Vince McMahon" 196 times. VINCE MCMAHON! Where is the VINCE MCMAHON that ran the WBF Pay Per View that led to Lex Luger riding a bus?!!?? VINCE MCMAHON! Where's the VINCE MCMAHON that swallowed the golf ball! VINCE MCMAHON! Where's the VINCE MCMAHON that released NO HOLDS BARRED and launched Tiny Lister's thespianic career?!?! VINCE MCMAHON! VINCE MCMAHON! Where's the VINCE MCMAHON that promoted the Leonard- Lelond fight? VINCE MCMAHON! Where is the VINCE MCMAHON that threatened Bob Costas but didn't have the BALLS to punch that motherfucker in the teeth? VINCE MCMAHON! Where's the VINCE MCMAHON that brought us the Chicago Hitmen and XFL and their astoundingly shitty helmets? VINCE MCMAHON! VINCE MCMAHON! VINCE MCMAHON!

 

- Heeeeeeeeeey. Nathan Jones! It's Nathan Jones! Matt Morgan has the look of the flamboyant Horshu! But he isn't Horshu. There is only one Horshu. Morgan is not Horshu. Horshu is Horshu. Morgan is Morgan. Morgan isn't Horshu. Horshu isn't Morgan. Brock comes out and they are all gonna talk business. Brock has the Big Show with him now and BOY! I'm not excited about this tagteam match up. Oh crap, all these folks will be a team at Survivor's Series. Maybe Matt Morgan is the new Vader. Who could be sure? I am not going to a sports bar to see this yet.

 

- Torrie Wilson comes out dressed as a bunny. Dawn Marie is dressed as Wonder Woman. Who's fantasy is THIS? Where is the tennis player and the hiker- ohohohoohohhohhhh- with those black hiker boots... sweet jeeeezus.... wait. God, Torrie is the worst leathery stripper ever. God, neither of these broads make me forget the special moment with Benoi... WAIT! Actually, Funaki is the most fuckable in that ring. So agile. So shootstyle. So the international lover. Torrie realizes this and acts like he is gonna suck Funaki's dick. Then SHE TURNS ON TAZZ!! DOH! We laffed and laffed and laffed.....WAIT!!!

 

- Bradshaw sez "fruitbooty".

 

THERE YOU HAVE IT.

 

DEAN RASMUSSEN.

[RavishingRickRudo 0]

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLL!!!!!!!!!!!

 

It's been too long, old friend.

 

- Torie comes out of the shower and she is trying on garters and RIGHT WHEN THE 46 YEAR OLD VIRGINS START JACKING OFF- THEY SWITCH TO CHRIS BENOIT WALKING WITHOUT A SHIRT! Confused latent homosexual fat guys blow a pungent load and the crying starts. Big tears. Big sad tears of confusion and love and repression and Jesus look how good that Canadian batch of man-candy looks when I whip out my junk! I MEAN TORRIE! TORRIE WAS WEARING A TOWEL! Oh mommy... oh mommy.... I swear I like girls....

 

DEAN, you need to write a book one-of-these-days. I don't know what on, but you need to write one... and I need to read it.

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

Where is your Queen essay?

[Steviekick 0]

- Torie comes out of the shower and she is trying on garters and RIGHT WHEN THE 46 YEAR OLD VIRGINS START JACKING OFF- THEY SWITCH TO CHRIS BENOIT WALKING WITHOUT A SHIRT! Confused latent homosexual fat guys blow a pungent load and the crying starts. Big tears. Big sad tears of confusion and love and repression and Jesus look how good that Canadian batch of man-candy looks when I whip out my junk! I MEAN TORRIE! TORRIE WAS WEARING A TOWEL! Oh mommy... oh mommy.... I swear I like girls....

 

DEAN, you need to write a book one-of-these-days. I don't know what on, but you need to write one... and I need to read it.

That part was freaking hysterical.

[RavishingRickRudo 0]

...because Freddy Mercury looks like Dan Severn. They wrote a song about a bicycle. They were made for Hockey.

 

I'm not feelin this "essay thing", but those are my 3 main points.

 

[AndrewTS 0]

That Torrie stuff was hilarious, but I beg of you Dean, to keep her out of the Secret Adventures of Al Wilson.

 

Paul London no-selling the fake titties of Dawn Marie and going straight back to his video game gets him so over with me.

 

That and the Star Wars reference from Cena makes me think that SD is shooting for the geek crowd tonight.

 

Did Vince write the aural blowjob that Heyman performed on him? I think Heyman said "Vince McMahon" 196 times. VINCE MCMAHON! Where is the VINCE MCMAHON that ran the WBF Pay Per View that led to Lex Luger riding a bus?!!?? VINCE MCMAHON! Where's the VINCE MCMAHON that swallowed the golf ball! VINCE MCMAHON! Where's the VINCE MCMAHON that released NO HOLDS BARRED and launched Tiny Lister's thespianic career?!?! VINCE MCMAHON! VINCE MCMAHON! Where's the VINCE MCMAHON that promoted the Leonard- Lelond fight? VINCE MCMAHON! Where is the VINCE MCMAHON that threatened Bob Costas but didn't have the BALLS to punch that motherfucker in the teeth? VINCE MCMAHON! Where's the VINCE MCMAHON that brought us the Chicago Hitmen and XFL and their astoundingly shitty helmets? VINCE MCMAHON! VINCE MCMAHON! VINCE MCMAHON!

 

That's awesome stuff. I swear Dean, if you could tolerate doing that for a living you could be Vince's personal entertainer, and puppeteer that motherfucker to do whatever you wanted. That's right, Smackdown with more Eddy, Angle, Benoit, Lesnar, London, Spanky, etc, the rest of the great guys on Raw, and the second hour of Raw can be the SECRET ADVENTURES OF AL WILSON SHOW!! Ratings through the roof, baby!!

 

 

- Heeeeeeeeeey. Nathan Jones! It's Nathan Jones! Matt Morgan has the look of the flamboyant Horshu!

 

Bless you Dean, for bringing up what may be the third or so time Horshu has been mentioned on these forums. A gimmick brilliant in its simplicity, yet to be duplicated.

 

Dean, I am saddened to report that an FBI vs. World's Greatest Tag Team match was cut from Smackdown--because those bastards thought some of that other crap on SD was more important. That's a freakin' crime, although I don't know which members of FBI. I now long to see Palumbos shitty punches and pitiful attempts to match suplexes with Haas and Benjamin, lost forever due to Torrie's leathery skank-ass and Vince's conniptions.

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

Smackdown ALWAYS plays to the geek crowd, I thought. What with the women bending over and stuff.

 

So who is this Matt Morgan guy? Is he OVW or something? Is he anygood?

 

(And I can't believe that Vince signed Kenzo Suzuki- the most suck ass wrestler in the history of Japan. I'm GLAD he did- as I would rather see him wrestle Big Show than to stink up already-hemmoraging-with-suck World Japan tapes).

 

DEAN.

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

...because Freddy Mercury looks like Dan Severn. They wrote a song about a bicycle. They were made for Hockey.

 

I'm not feelin this "essay thing", but those are my 3 main points.

 

That is fine Queen essay. I think I'm gonna write a overly long and pointless essay every week on a topic I pick while killing time during the long dry stretches of Smackdown. (anything to not ever finish the WHORULON saga).

[Guest Last Warrior]

Great stuff as always Dean.

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

Thank you, young Last Warrior.

[Guest Goodear]

The only thing thjat worked was that SmackDown was brought to us by Big Lots and that is the greatest store in all of Dean's lands.

[Guest Smell the ratings!!!]

I smell an Al-Baron double turn.

 

In a Sharpshooter.

[AndrewTS 0]

Smackdown ALWAYS plays to the geek crowd, I thought. What with the women bending over and stuff.

 

So who is this Matt Morgan guy? Is he OVW or something? Is he anygood?

What, only geeks like horribly plastic-surgeonized yaks like Torrie and Dawn?

 

As for Matt, JR said he's a hoss and has potential. I believe he's one of the TE rejects that was sent to OVW. He's been pro 3 months, he's a product of the WWE farm system, and he's really tall and muscular--so 90%+ chance of him completely sucking ass. And a 5% chance of him maybe being as good as Albert someday.

[Guest Smell the ratings!!!]

and a 30% chance he wins the title this year.

 

I almost forgot to complement Dean on his misty-eyed rendition of "Baby Got Back". Dammit, that's the way this country should be.

[Corey_Lazarus 0]

- See, I'm drunk. Oh yeah. Drunk drunk drunk. Sir Mix-a-lot is a musical genius. "Baby Got Back" is a declaration of the TRUE essence of America. It REALLY should be the new National Anthem. Fuck yeah, a real American doesn't want a Clalista Flockhart flat-assed gal unless she DEEPLY has other qualities to make up for it. The true image of a nation is what that nation's conception of beauty is. The browning of America brings my Polynesian need to get that bubble into the mainstream. Our conception of beauty was captured succintly by Mix-A-Lot and he defiantly said that American men like big butts. I cannot lie! I also like big butts. Fuck all that other shit. When a round things in my face I GET SPRUNG. Fuck you, motherfucker. I GET SPRUNG. I. GET. SPRUNG. YEah, yeah, yeah. Say watcha like. I GET SPRUNG. Fuck a Star Spangled Banner. I GET SPRUNG. here in the Land of Free and the HOME OF THE MOTHERFUCKING BRAVE, I GET SPRUNG. Okay, we should combine the "Land of the Free and home of the brave" section with "Baby Got Back" and THEN we will have our TRUE NATIONAL ANTHEM. GOD BLESS AMERICA. MOTHERFUCKER.

Mmhmm!