your WWE SMACKDOWN WORKRATE REPORT- 11/20/2003!

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

Hiya! I missed the first segment because the terlit called. When a big lummox like myself has a calling from the keee-mode, YA GO! CRAP OUT! POOTAASTIC! WOO-HOO! LOOKIT ALL THE MOUNTAINS OF POO! Speakin' o which.... (there will be no editing. This is already going GREAT.)

 

WHAT WORKED-

 

- Rey Rey comes out and Akio wrestles him. Akio is from Atlanta and has the Dat Nyugen "Asian Avec Southern Accent" thing going and THAT should make Akio the partner of Jamie Noble and THAT would rule. En lieu, they go the Mysterious Oriental jabrone route. Rey Rey is GOD taking the Psicosis slide to NOWHERE. Akio does odd things with Rey's neck. Akio crushes his testicles on the turnbuckle and Rey goes on offense. Akio takes the Spinning DDT like a FUCKING KING and this match is suddenly really fun. Akio misses the Skytwister Press and does the comical set-up for the MOR-TAL~! Akio takes the Springboard Frankensteiner with as much nastiness he did with the DDT. I SAY THEE "FUN"!

 

- Shaniqua is hot with the whip and she is sweet enough to offer Paul Heyman some of the Basham Brothers' sweet sweet leatherclad, bound and gagged love. Heyman taking a pass is the BIGGEST WORK IN THE HISTORY OF WRESTLING! VIVA LA WRESTLING!

 

- Hey, Brock comes out again! He is in Nathan Jones corner. Jones had perfectly fine wrestling matches in Zero One and supposedly had a decent match with Scott Steiner in WWA. Benoit is GOD FUCK CANADIAN WRESTLING JESUS so this should be good, right? Jones overpowers him early. Benoit takes the powerslam for two and I'm trying to figure out if they are going to do the Benoit vs The Flock angle that was one of the best ones that WCW ever did. Benoit can carry every load in Team Lesnar and battling through all of them to get a shot at Lesnar would build up heat for the blow off. It would be fun booking and guarantee some focused matches by Benoit- something he's been missing for a while. Benoit goes on offense after Jones misses a big boot and then hits the Locomotion Suplex and fucking MISSILE DROPKICK and another dropkick and then the toprope headbutt and then Jones gets countered into a Crippler Crossface when Brock interferes and Benoit kicks him in the head and goes back and makes jones tap out. Brock kills Benoit postmatch and so far so good with the Benoit Carries The Stiffs angle. Then the focus shifts to Holly vs Brock which will suck. Too much booking will kill this promising angle.

 

- I don't get RAW cuz I don't have cable. What is Isaac Yankem doing on my television machine? Oh that's Kane. He's not as boring on the stick as his brother, the MUGAtaker. The Faulknerian-Flannery O'Conneresque- Katherine Ann Porter-like Southern psycho burying his brother alive and finding your true nature when looking into the face of death is a nice touch. You need stronger women and drunker men to really get the whole Southern Gothic Literary feel in full affect.

 

- Tajiri takes on Jamie Noble. Noble bumps early and often. Tajiri is fucking FUN spindling the shoulder of Noble. Noble Somoan Drops to transition and hits the Short Clothesline with his good arm and hits a sweet Elaborate La Majistral. Tajiri thinks he's Ric Flair and is launched off the top rope. Noble jumps straight into a Superkick. Tajiri rolls up Noble when Nidia wanders out, pretending not to see. PEEEE-YOU!

 

- THE SECRET ADVENTURES OF AL WILSON:

 

"Yo Bill! I vill get it."

 

Baron walks down the hall, his steps echoing on the hardwood floor. "Jennifer. Come in."

 

"Baron. I missed you." Baron crushes her in his arms and his head spins with a rush of love long lost. "Jennifer, I missed you like you would not believe."

 

"Okay. Well. Uh. Let me meet the roommate."

 

They walk over to Bill's room. He is listening to the Rich Kids and madly trying to do his baseball rotisserie draft. "Hey, I'm Bill. How ya doing?"

 

"Hey, I'm Jenn."

 

"Baron's told me all about you. Y'all haven't talked to each other in how long?"

 

"Geez... EIGHT years? Man, that's a while."

 

"Vell, people grow apart and ve vere very young."

 

"Oh yeah. It was a magic summer. I think if we tried to taking it any farther and did the long distance romance, it would have lost the magic."

 

"I agree. Not zat I did think of you always. It zas a magical summer; vun I vill never forget................... Anyway Bill. Ve vill leaf alone vif your FAUNTasy baseball."

 

"Hey cool. It was nice meeting you, Jenn."

 

"Yeah, same to ya, Bill." They walk down the hall to Baron's room. They close the door behind them. Baron tries think of something to say- something about his buried feelings, about his new love, about everything that has happened to him since they last saw each other. Jennifer breathed deeply and reached out and unbuttoned Baron's pants. Baron savagely pulled her shirt off and they violently swirl into a kiss onto the bed, breathing into each other's mouths, caught in the moment.

 

TO BE CONTINUED.

 

- I missed most of the Guerrerros vs Haas/Benjamin because my one year old is teething and when he calls, all pretend fighting on the TV gets to wait. I saw the end while I was walking him around and trying to get him back to sleep and it looked pretty good. Postmatch, Chavo gets mad at Eddy for losing his focus. Chavo is into focus. Eddy wasn't focused. Chavo thinks Eddy's lack of focus allowed Shelton to try to break his leg in a Theismannlike fashion. Chavo demands focus. Chavo's knees deserve focus. Eddy lacks focus. Eddy's lack of focus is hurty to Chavo's knee. Postmatch, Chavo talks about needing his REAL friends- which in the ABC Afternoon Special-speak mean DRUGS, DADDY! YEAH! SWEET LADY H! MARYJANE! PURPLE DRAGONS!

 

- More teething and I watched most of the Cena vs Big Show match. Cena sells Big Shows odd offensive assault really well. Chokeslam into the post to set up the big finish after the whole thing where Cena sells the offense of Big Show so much that he can't hit the FU makes this whole thing even more fabulous. The actual finish with the ref bump and the comically contrived thing with the steps was kinda suck ass, but Big Show was FEELING it. Though, if he were REALLY feeling it, he would have bladed. Fine match though.

 

WHAT DIDn'T WORK-

- Shannon Moore takes on Matt Morgan. Shannon stares at his dick for a moment and then gets in his flurry of offense. Matt Morgan is Kronik-like in his tall shittiness. Shannon does what he can, bumping for him to the floor. THISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS SSSSSSSSUCKSSSSSSSSSSSS. My wife is bringing me back beer and she cannot bring it fast enough. Waitaminnit. Matt Morgan was a BULLY! LIKE BILL DEMOTT! DEMOTT TWO-The Dumbening! WOO-HOO! HE'S BULLY! And- Jumpin Jesus on a Pogostick- does he suck just as much dick in this match.

 

- Brock Lesnar is fun as the whiny little bitch of a champion in ths section. Everybody gets to redeem themselves. Brock has problems. He has his gang of stiffs with him and he is browbeating them. Nathan Jones and Brock seem to be about to kiss but the world isn't ready for that kinda of trans-continental loving and we settle for a questionable matching of Jones vs Benoit. Big Show and Brock almost kiss. Brock brings the love vibe when next to the tall men. No male kissing, no worked column. Know male kissing, know the worked column.

 

- A-Train and Bradshaw had a good little match last week. A-Train makes up for his shitty punches by hitting a nice elbow drop. Bradshaw counteracts his nice punches with the shittiest DDT since Koji Nakamaki retired. Bradshaw's Lariat is fucking BEAUTIFUL and A-Train goes for the suplex and takes the shoulder and bumps to the floor and THEN pops up and hits a Rydeen bomb? Selling this shitty goes waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay down here. God, the match was really okay before then. And only nominally shitty afterwards. Add it up and it sucks shit. Yes. Yes, it does. It's probably not such a big deal, but fuck it. The beer hasn't showed up yet and my head hurts and I think my wisdom tooth is coming in and I am the whiniest bitch in the history of internet masturbation jokes. NO! I must REDOUBLE MY EFFORTS! I MUST NOT LET ^THE GENTLE READER DOWN. I MUST NOT WASTE HIS TIME BY WHINING ABOUT MY LITTLE ANNOYING PROBLEMS. I LOVE MY READERS AND THEY LOVE ME! I WILL NOT LET YOU DOWN! ORGY OF ONE!

 

- I refuse to put the Cat segments in the Worked Column no matter how much they made me laugh. I join Tazz in wanting a coin.

 

- They actually show Torrie coming to the ring for a COMPUTER GAME bra and panties match. Jesus fucking Christ, I don't wanna know how many Lizzie Borden movies you have watch to get degenerate enough to get excited about computer animated Torrie Wilson. I guess the guys who buy those vibrating pocket buddies have extra income enough to warrant target marketing from the perverted ghouls in the WWF. God, guys who would jack off to that are like one step away from jacking off to the nekkid BUTT of the little girl on the Coppertone ads. Fuck, it makes my skin crawl. I mean, I am a FREAK and it still makes my skin crawl.

 

THERE YOU HAVE IT.

 

DEAN RASMUSSEN.

[starvenger 0]

Geez, a Dat Nguyen reference? How often do you get that in a Smackdown report?

[Guest The Winter Of My Discontent]

Shaniqua is hot? I'd rather make out with Chris Rock.

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

Shaniqua is hot? I'd rather make out with Chris Rock.

He's hot too.