your WWE SMACKDOWN WORKRATE REPORT- 12/11/2003!

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

Tonite's Workrate report is feuled by the six of Dale's Pale Ale that the fabulous and generous Naimark's of Colorado sent us. It's got a lively, fruity aftertaste that rides the lightning and wraps the 6.5% Akahawl in a smooth delivery system that says "CLASSY DRUNKENESS!" Straight from Lyons, Colorado to my worn out liver, YO! Bring on the muthafucking wrestling, BITCH!

 

WHAT WORKED-

- Benoit is chasing the title now? Cool. Heyman does a great job of making Benoit look like the fly in his ointment. The "You Taped Out" sign warms my heart like you wouldn't imagine. Brock being the protected pussy is really fun when it leads up to more Benoit vs Lesnar matches. Lesnar talks shit about the Latin crowd and the heel heat makes me weep. Rey Rey comes out and he's PISSED! WOO-HOO! Rey Rey calls Brock a pussy and is gonna kick his fat ass for talking shit about San Diego. Rey starts the "Ball Headed Geek" chant. End of the segment, Heyman and Brock make faces like Rey Rey pooted before he left the ring.

 

- HEY! RHYNO! I thought he was mud in the eyes of Vince. Bradshaw is mad about a Velocity moment. Rhyno is fabulous as a heel and leans into Bradshaw's comical offense. The forearms of Bradshaw club. The neckbreakers swing. The toprope Somoan Drop was pretty fucking beautiful so disregard me talking shit about Bradshaw's offense. Hey, the Brad Armstrong Second Rope Suplex yamazakied into a small package. That was perfectly fine. It's good to see young Rhyno on the TV again. So there's a whole backstage gambling ring going on? Okay. I figured they would be setting odds on how long it takes for Bradshaw to probe Paul London's cornhole in the showers later. Ultimo put 150 bucks on 45 seconds! Tajiri says 1 minute 15 seconds! IT'S A PUSH!

 

- Okay, Morgan puts money on A-Train. I'm assuming that Moore wins and we see a trend? Moore assuming the role of Lee Scott/Mikey Whipwreck... hey! Heyman is going to do the Whipreck story again but with Moore in the Whipwreck role! I just realized it. I'm all for it. A-Train sells for the lil fella and Moore just bumps like a complete psychopath. Moore with the flash pin! Morgan and Team Lesnar lose money! They come out and turn on A-Train. HEY! I'm happier now that I finally figured out where they are going with this. Nobody wins when they make a loud bet.

 

- The Guerreros and Benjamin/Haas have a very Southern tag match. Eddy is the greatest and the fact that he assumes the role of Ricky Morton makes one rejoice at the beauty, as Eddy sells the shoulder perfectly- especially while on offense. Chavo comes in and makes the Benjamin Superkick to the leg look fucking NASTY. They now go SUPER Old School with the RnR/Horseman psychology of Ricky having a seperated shoulder and Robert wrestling the body of the match- but with the twist of Chavo not being sympathetic to Brother's condition. Eddy does the hot tag and gets in a bunch before Haas cuts him off. chavo makes a save so you don't get the pure Barry Turns On Lex level of psychology. Instead they go for the cheaper "I'm stealing His Win" angle. Eddy cheats to win and I'm assuming that Heyman will flesh out the beginning threads of the break-up with the deeper CONDUITS at his disposal than the shitty jealousy angle.

 

- My friend Cliff King Of Danger called and I missed the Big Show rap off with Cena. How was that?

 

- I also missed most of the Lesnar vs Misterio match, though what I saw was pretty great. The match was basically Misterio having to channel 1995 Tijuana Psicosis to outbump Lesnar. Lesnar was fucking GREAT bumping for Rey. And the finish was really cool too. That's such a cool finisher.

 

WHAT DIDN'T WORK-

- The Cat is on my TV and my terlit is callin'. Hey, it's Sable! Sable has the voice of a middleaged Portsmouth, Virginia Quikmart employee. "Sugar, the decaf is in the green jug." Sable refuses to dance for the Cat and is all insulted that he suggests- because this whole segment is mindnumbingly retarded even by retarded WWe standards? Yeah sure. Show us your tits, ya whore or at least dance a little. Realizing that the segment is dying, Cat starts trying to fuck Sable and the segment picks up. He rips off his own pants and has a Lawrence Taylor moment and we all drip with the second hand slime of the pointless segment. Lemme go hit the terlit. [RASMUSSEN walks directly into a lowhanging floorjoist and knocks himself unconscious.... Cat.... Sable... Cat....Sable...Ca...WHORULON!] Cat and Sable are locked in a kiss and Sable doesn't fight it. Instead she becomes the consistence of cottage cheese and tries to engulf Cat. Cat fights out and escapes and Sable reverts to TRUE WHORULON FORM! Green guacamole-like acidic discharge froths from Whorulons' cooter. The Cat looks with mouth agape and he turns to run. Whorulon's twin breasts shoot web-like viscuous lactating discharge that engulfs the Cat in a Mothra-like cocoon. Whorulon's cooter becomes like a kiln as a burning bubble of pungent labial membrane balloons out and engulfs the bound Cat. "Somebody call my mama! This pussy has done gone CRAZY!" The flesh burns away and the nutrients are absorbed into the Whorulon... [RASMUSSEN wakes up, screaming. Sweating. Crying.]

 

THERE YOU HAVE IT.

 

DEAN.

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

DOH! Delete this one.

[SamoaRowe 0]

Hmmm, that was sort of interesting. Good to hear some POSITIVE feedback for once.