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SJL CRIMSON, 1/22/04!!!!!

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“Ladies and gentlemen, please rise for the National Anthem.”


Funyon stands in the center of the ring, clears his throat and begins to sing.


Well there's a light in your eye that keeps shining

Like a star that can't wait for a night

I hate to think I've been blinded baby

Why can't I see you tonight

And the warmth of your smile starts a-burnin'

And the thrill of your touch gives me fright

And I'm shaking so much, really yearning

Why don't you show up, make it all right, yeah, it's all right, all right


And if you promised you'd love so completely

And you said you would always be true

You swore that you would never leave me, baby

What ever happened to you

And you thought it was only in movies

As you wish all your dreams would come true, hey

It ain't the first time believe me, baby

I'm standin' here feeling blue, blue

Ha, yeah, I'm blue, hoh, baby


Now I will stand in the rain on the corner

I'll watch the people go shuffling downtown

Another ten minutes no longer

And then I'm turning around, 'round

The clock on the wall's moving slower

Oh, my heart it sinks to the ground

And the storm that I thought would blow over

Clouds the light of the love that I found, found

Light of the love that I found

Light of the love that I found

Ohhhh, that I found


Hey babe


Oooh, hand that ticks on the clock

Just don't seem to stop

When I'm thinking it over


Oooh, tired of the light

I just don't seem to find

Have you wait, get away


Whoa oooh, I see it in my dreams

But I just don't seem to be with you

You I gotta get it all

Gotta get it all, gotta get it all

I've got to get all


Funyon pauses for the guitar solo, traditional to this arrangement of the Star-Spangled Banner.


Ooh, now my body is starting to quiver

And the palms of my hands getting wet, ohh

I've got no reason to doubt you baby

It's all a terrible mess

An' I'll run in the rain till I'm breathless

When I'm breathless I'll run till I drop, hey

The thoughts of a fool's kind of careless

I'm just a fool waiting on the wrong block, ohhhhhh yeah

Hey now, ohhhhhh-hoh


Light of the love that I found

Light of the love that I found

Light of the love that I

Light of the love that I found

Light of the love, hey now

Light of the love, hey now

Light of the love that I found

Light of the love that I found


Funyon bows as the fans applaud his stirring rendition of “Fool in the Rain.”

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A huge series of pyros explodes over the Crimson set, heavy rock music blasting out from the speakers as the show starts up for the last time. The flashes highlight the masses of fans packed into the Gund Arena, a seas of faces and signs surrounds the ring area, and a great many of those signs lament the forthcoming closure of the SJL. The cameras pan around the crowd for several long moments, the fans ecstatic but sad, as they are present at the last Crimson show of the SJL. The picture eventually cuts back to the announcer’s table, showing Judge, Ejiro and Annie seated there and ready as always to continue calling the action.


“Good evening folks and welcome to the last ever edition of SJL Crimson! And where better to broadcast from than the Gund Arena!” Judge bellows. “We’ve lost count of the shows that have been held in this building so it’s fitting that the last Crimson should be broadcast from these hallowed halls!”


“That’s a little dramatic don’t you think Judge?” Annie lifts an eyebrow at the old man.


“It’s the end of an era Annie, and there are many who are sad to see the SJL go.” Hearford replies.


“It had a good run Judge, but as the old saying goes, all good things must come to an end!” comments Ejiro, who looks truly sad that the SJL is closing down.


The camera view suddenly cuts away from the announcer’s table; the heavy rock music of Crimson’s intro takes a background seat to the quiet in Chris Raynor's office. The nefarious commissioner does his day-to-day work, at least, until a slow, ominous thudding is heard on his door. The music slowly fades out from the speakers as the scene is displayed on the Smarktron.


“Indeed they must but before the end we have the beginning and this show is already on the road!”


“So why are we looking at Raynor’s office, Judge?” Ejiro queries


“What kind of a question is that?” Annie snickers. “Next, you’ll probably be wondering who’s knocking on the door!”


“Dammit Annie, stop stealing my lines!” Rule mutters.


Looking up from his work, Raynor sounds bored as he addresses the door and the individual outside.


“Go away. I'm busy.”


Thud. Thud. Thud.


“I said go Awa...”


Splinters fly as the door is kicked open, revealing one tall and ominous Black Angel. Aecas stalks into the room with the power and grace of a predatory cat, his dead white eyes locked directly on the Commissioner. Raynor manages to keep a calm face as the 7 footer advances on his desk and even manages a smile, fixed though it is as he casts a quick gaze at the remnants of his office door.


Still smiling fixedly, Raynor makes a small motion with his hand towards the towering figure before him.


“Aecas. How can I help...”


”Why don't I have a match?”


The Black Angel's words are slow and clearly pronounced, and ominous enough to make everyone in the crowd shiver. The effect is not lost on Chris Raynor, who struggles to maintain his composure.


“The rest of the card was taken....I could put you in the elimination ma...”


The Commissioner flinches as Aecas slams one fist down onto the hardwood table, cracking his knuckles straight into the wood without even flinching. Staring straight through Raynor's head with those dead, white eyes, the Black Angel is silent for a long moment.


“It would be in your best interests not to do that Raynor.” the giant says quietly, his soulless gaze boring into the Commissioner. Raynor struggles to remain calm and determined not to be cowed by one of his charges manages to smirk slightly at the hulking giant.


“Threatening me, Aecas? Aren’t you getting a little bit carried away? Even though the SJL is not far from closure, I still have the power to make your life a living hell. And you would do well to remember that.”


The Black Angel doesn’t move, if he even heard Raynor’s words he gives no indication. He simply just continues to stare at the SJL Commissioner until finally Raynor puts his hands up, relenting.


“Okay! Okay…I’ll make you a match tonight. Get your sorry ass out to the ring after the Stilts Match and you’ll get your wish.”


Aecas nods once and turns around slowly, walking towards the wreckage of the door before Raynor’s voice stops him.


“Just remember one thing tough guy, tonight you’re playing by my rules whether you like it or not…”


Aecas appears to consider these words for a moment before he walks through the shattered remnants of the door. Raynor leans back in his chair, a self-satisfied smirk appearing on his face as he plans the night’s events out in his mind.


The camera moves away from Raynor's ugly mug, and we are suddenly greeted to a view of the Gund's backstage corridors. The Black Angel stalks into view, clearly having just left the Commissioner's office. The camera follows him as he rounds another corner on his way to the locker rooms, and pauses. Serena stands guard, leaning against the door of his locker room, waiting patiently. Spotting him, the dark woman steps away from the door.


“There are two men waiting for you inside. They were here when I showed up.”


The Black Angel scowls slightly and nods, clearly not in the mood to entertain visitors as his eyes narrow suspiciously. Motioning Serena aside, the big man carefully opens the door, and the camera strains to peer over his shoulder. The room appears empty, and as the Black Angel steps forward, the camera picks up a trenchcoat hanging on the far wall.


A white trenchcoat.


“Aecas. Come in. We have a lot to discuss.”


The camera swivels to catch sight of none other then Dace Night and Terrence 'Janus' Bailey sitting in the chair on one side of the locker room. The Black Angel's suspicious look fades only a little as he pushes the cameraman away and motions Serena in, closing the door in their face as the camera switches back to the announcers table the fans stirring excitedly from the brief glimpse of two SWF superstars on the show.


“Hey, was that just...” Judge raises his eyebrows.


“Two thirds of the Trinity” Ejiro also looks perplexed.


“I think it was, and who knows what they're planning with the Black Angel. We'll be back with our first match right after these announcements!”

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Date: Thursday, January 22, @ 6 PM EST



The final Crimson ever! To reflect this, every match is WACKY THROWN-TOGETHER USING ONLY HALF MY ASS!



Alan Clark vs Jacob Helmsley

Description: These two no-showed Wrath’s main event thanks to Longdoffer Pete’s lack of Internet (OH IT’S A SHOOT BRUTHA) Now they’re fighting again, but it’s a rubber ducky match!

Rules: An empty bathtub will be at ringside, along with buckets of water scattered about, along with rubber duckies. The pool must be filled with water, and then rubber duckies must be put i it. The winner is the man who puts the last rubber ducky in the pool.



Landon Maddix vs David Cross

Description: A dangerous match, has this ever even been done?

Rules: DQ and Countout do not apply. However, Maddix and Cross will be wearing stilts the entire duration of the match.



Sean Casey vs “Fruity” Frankie Deed” vs “Hollywood” Spike Jenkins vs Todd Royal vs Manson vs The Daredevil vs Jimmy “The Demon” Liston

Description: The last man standing will win the final Crimson match of all time.

Rules: Around the ring there will be lots of packages of Big League Chew. You eliminate an opponent by covering his face in Big League Chew. You’d chew it first, of course, so it’s sticky. The last man standing, that is, the last man to not have his face covered in Big League Chew, wins.

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“Welcome Back~! It’s the last edition of SJL Crimson EVER~!!!” Annie freaks out as Crimson comes back from commercial and the cameras pan over the Gund Arena for one of the final times in SJL History. Around the ring can be seen fifty rubber ducks and a large kiddie swimming pool.


“Our first match tonight is what we have come to learn is called a “Rubber Ducky” Match…” Judge tries to keep from laughing… “The winner is the one who places the last duck into the water. Let’s just get this match underway…I can’t take it anymore” Judge throws it down to Funyon, who stands in the ring ready to make the announcements.


“Ladies and Gentlemen…the following contest is a RUBBER DUCKY MATCH…Fifty rubber ducks surround the ringside area and when the last duck has been placed in the water…the person who placed it there will be declared the WINNER OF THE MATCH!”


Suddenly, Funyon is cut off as “Meaning Of Life” by Disturbed explodes through the arena, causing boos from the crowd as Jacob Helmsley steps through the curtain and makes his way down to the ring. Jacob stops at the edge of the entranceway and looks at the ducks and the kiddie pool and shakes his head in disbelief.


“Introducing first… from Calgary, Alberta, Canada…he is an SJL veteran…




The Gund crowd continues to boo as Jacob rolls into the ring and removes his jacket, throwing it out of the ring. Before Jacob can even get warmed up, “What I Got” by Sublime comes pumping through the PA system, and Alan Clark comes dancing through the curtain, is guitar in his hand.


“…and introducing his opponent…hailing from Long Beach, California….he is the Current SJL World Heavyweight Champion… The Sublime One…




The crowd explodes in cheers as Alan high-fives the fans down to the ring. Alan walks around the ring toward the timekeepers table with his World Title and his guitar and he places them in the hands of attendant before looking around at the ducks. Alan immediately picks three up and rushes for the kiddie pool…putting Jacob and referee Mathew Kivell completely off guard. As Jacob dives out of the ring to cut Alan off, Kivell signals for the bell.




“Alan Clark was trying to get a head start! He’s such a cheater!” Ejiro screams out as Alan runs shoulder-first into Jacob and sends him down to the ground and almost into the kiddie pool. Alan drops the three ducks into the water and rushes back around the ring to get more.


Duck Count: 3


Jacob shakes off the shoulder block and grabs two that are the closest to the water and dumps them in the pool as Alan comes back with three more of his own.


Duck Count: 8


“These two are just racing for ducks now…this isn’t even a match!” Annie calls as Jacob and Alan both toss in two more each, but before Alan can go for anymore, Jacob tackles Alan down on the outside and begins throwing lefts and rights. Alan tries to block as the duck count is updated.


Duck Count: 12


Jacob pulls Alan off the padding on the outside and tosses him into the ring, but before Jacob follows Alan in he throws another duck into the pool.


“There’s lucky duck 13 for Helmsley!” Ejiro snickers as the counter is raised one and Jacob begins assualting the World Champion.


Duck Count: 13


“We are less than two minutes into this match and already some ducks are floating…but now it seems this is really turning into a fight on the inside!” Judge comments as Jacob pulls Alan up to his feet and delivers a kick straight to his gut before dropping Alan right back down on his head with a DDT!


The crowd boos as Alan’s head bounces off the mat, and Jacob sees his chance to gather more ducks as he runs to the outside, picking up ducks as he runs along the floor before hitting the pool and tossing in six more!


Duck Count: 19


“Jacob is gathering ducks like crazy…but Alan is up on the inside and he doesn’t seem too happy! Jacob just put in five more! It’s the halfway point!” Annie exclaims as Jacob turns around to look for more, but suddenly Alan springs off the top rope and flies through the air, spreading his arms and legs out and crashing on top of Jacob, knocking both men to the floor!


“Springboard Cross Body!” Judge calls as the duck count moves to 25.


Duck Count: 25


Alan crawls up to his feet after the cross body and sees that Jacob is still down. A close-up shows a smile on Alan’s face as he runs around the far side of the ring and begins tossing ducks over the top of the ring and toward the water. A few hit the water and the others scatter around a recovering Jacob.


Duck Count: 29


“Alan is just launching those remaining ducks toward the water!” Annie says as Alan grabs the last of the ducks and throws them over…putting the remaining 21 ducks all near to the kiddie pool as Jacob finally gets to his feet and he suddenly notices he is surrounded by little yellow ducks.


As Alan rushes back around the ring, Jacob begins dumping ducks one by one into the water. Before Jacob can get past putting the seventh duck in the water, Alan comes from behind and dropkicks Jacob right into the pool, causing a good bit of water and three of the ducks to leave the pool.


Duck Count: 33


Jacob sits up and rubs the water from his eyes, his expression is that of anger. Alan laughs a bit as Jacob steps out of the pool and throws a superkick that catches Alan in the chest and knocks him backwards a few steps.


Before Alan can get back his balance, Jacob leans down and grabs the kiddie pool, lifting it up and dumping it out and into the entranceway, causing almost every duck and all the water to empty out.


Duck Count: 3


“Jacob Helmsley has just done the unthinkable! We need more water out here!” Annie calls toward backstage as a few ring attendants start a bucket chain from behind the curtain, bringing pails of water toward the kiddie pool and trying to refill it as Kivell just throws his hands up in confusion at the two SJL superstars.


Alan Clark is staring down at the now mostly empty pool, and he looks at Jacob who simply smiles to a huge chorus of boos. Alan rushes past Jacob, shoving him against the barricade. Jacob is quickly back up but Alan has other plans as he grabs a bucket of water from one of the ringside workers and tosses it right onto Jacob…soaking him even more.


“Alan Clark just threw a bucket of water at Jacob Helmsley!” Ejiro yells out as Alan rushes to get away from the angry Helmsley, who grabs a bucket of his own and aims for Alan, throwing the water through the air..







“Alan Ducked!!” Annie exclaims as Alan rolls out of the way just in time, leaving Mathew Kivell in the path of the water, soaking him as well. Kivell looks down and rubs his eyes and looks at Helmsley, motioning with his hand that he had better not do it again. Kivell walks over and pulls a bucket of his own from the workers and dumps it….bucket and all…on Helmsley’s head, causing an eruption of cheers.


“OH MY GOD! KIVELL IS BACK WITH VENGEANCE!” Judge almost falls from his chair in laughter as Jacob turns his attention away from Alan and puts it on Kivell, as both each grab a bucket. Both aim for each other as Alan starts throwing ducks back in pool, trying to keep Helmsley from noticing.


“Alan Clark is trying to steal this match as Kivell and Jacob duel it out!” Annie comments as the duck count rises.


Duck Count: 25 and counting


Both men circle each other as Alan continues filling the pool, and suddenly Jacob catches Alan out of the corner of his eye. Jacob signals to Kivell that Alan is still dry, and both men turn their attention to Alan, dumping two large buckets of water over his head just as Alan gets the 40th duck in the pool.


Duck Count: 40


“What a turn of events! All three men are now completely soaked and this Ohio crowd is loving every minute of it!” Annie exclaims as Alan stands up and turns around, looking at the two men laughing at each other…all of them soaked. Instead of attacking, Alan simply goes back to his duty, grabbing more ducks and tossing them toward the water. He gets five more in before Jacob realizes that the match could end soon.


“Alan is still trying to steal this match away! Get em Jake!” Ejiro yells as Jacob shoves past Kivell and tackles Alan down, leaving only ONE duck out of pool.


Duck Count: 49


“One to go…and what is Jacob doing!?” Annie asks as Jacob grabs the duck and pulls Alan up. Jacob shoves the duck into Alan’s mouth and hooks a side waistlock on Clark…readying him for a Russian Legsweep into the pool.


“Jacob is going for the win!” Ejiro is giddy as Jacob trips Alan backwards and slams him backfirst into the mostly dry but duck-filled pool. Mathew Kivell looks down on the scene as Jacob gets back to his feet…




…and Kivell calls for the bell!!




Jacob Helmsley begins to celebrate as “Meaning of Life” begins to blare throughout the arena…causing a rain of boos to come down on the Canadian. Kivell grabs his hair and rushes toward Funyon, speaking with him for a moment before Funyon makes the match official.


“Ladies and Gentlemen…the winner of this match….




Jacob’s jaw drops as he looks down in the pool, where Alan has a smile on his face as Kivell raises his hand in victory. “Meaning of Life” suddenly cuts off and “What I Got” by Sublime replaces it as Jacob gets into Kivell’s face…shoving him down on the ground.


“What is going on?! Jacob Helmsley won the match!” Ejiro is about to lose his mind as the Smarktron comes to life to show a replay of the final moments of the match…




…as Jacob sweeps Clark down into the pool, the duck stays stuck in Alan’s mouth. As Jacob gets back to his feet, Alan pulls the duck from his mouth and sticks it in the pool…winning the match for himself.




Jacob’s eyes catch the SmarkTron as the replay is shown again and again, each moment Jacob gets more and more angry. Alan Clark has gotten to his feet and is on the other side of the ring, getting his title and guitar and jumping into the crowd as Jacob continues to stare in shock and awe at the screen.


“Helmsley was robbed!” Ejiro screams again.


“Now now…Alan Clark won the match fair and square and completely within the rules. You can’t debate the rules, Ejiro.” Annie mentions.


“I can and I will… I need to speak with Commissioner Raynor right now about this!”


“You will be staying right here, Ejiro…this show has barely started!” Annie says as Crimson goes to commercial, with Jacob still staring at the screen in shock as the ring crew tries to clean up the mess of water and ducks around him.

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As the scene outside the Gund Arena greets us, on a cold, crisp January night...


...the camera cuts inside of the Gund Arena, where the crowd are on their feet ready for more SJL action. The SJL announce force of Annie Onita, 'Judge Mental' William Hearford and Ejiro Fasaki sit at ringside as always...


"Welcome back to Crimson, live here in the Gund Arena..." begins Hearford, "...where tonight, commisioner Raynor has decided to have a little fun with the wacky stipulations for all matches. Including of course our next match..."

"Which I might add I'm distinctly unhappy about." adds Ejiro.


"Why!?! Poor Landon Maddix has to wrestle...on stilts? Do you realise how dangerous that is Judge?"

"Yes, it could be...but, both these men have been trained by proffesional stiltist..."

"You mean clowns? Oh, well...that's a relief. For God's sakes...Landon Maddix has a World Title shot next week...and this week, he's being made to run around a ring fighting, on stilts? It's preposterous! If Landon breaks his leg tonight, you can bet the SJL is going to feel the pinch from it, if you know what I mean."

"What about David Cross." asks Annie.

"Who?" Ejiro questions, before the camera cuts up to the ring...



"Ladies and Gentlemen..." Funyon begins in his typical booming voice. "The following non title contest is the Stilts Match, and is scheduled for one fall. The rules for this match are as follows...both men will wear 2 foot high, wooden stilts to the ring. Removal of the stilts is strictly prohibited, but other than that there are no disqualifications and no count outs. Introducing first..."


'Back on Earth' by Ozzy Osbourne begins to play, as David Cross steps out from the back having to duck his head to avoid hitting the staging. Slowly he maneuvers his way down the ramp, as pyro goes off behind him. As he walks down the ramp, Cross holds out his hands for the fans as he usually does...but being so high up, no-one can reach him.


"From Oil City, Pennsylvania...standing at 8 foot 5 inches, with the stilts. Weighing two hundred and sixty five pounds. He is DAVID CRRROOOSSS!!!"


Cross eventually gets to the ring, helped onto the apron and over the ropes by the unlucky assigned referee Sexton Hardcastle. Taking a walk around the ring Cross tries to get used to his extra two foot height.



"An' I'm sailin'...YEAH!"


"Suck My Kiss" by the Red Hot Chili Peppers starts up in the background, prompting the Gund Arena to fill with boos!


"And the opponent. Accompanied to the ring by Megan Skye! From Huron, South Dakota, his stilt assisted height is 7 feet 10 inches. He weighs two hundred and six pounds. The Disciple of Todd...the reigning SJL European Champion...LANDON 'LA CUCARACHA'...MAAADDIIIX!!!"


The crowd boo again at the mere mention of Landon's name, as Megan Skye steps through the curtains first, holding Landon's European Title belt over his shoulder. Moments later, out follows Landon Maddix on the stilts...wobbling about clearly unable to control himself. The fans, catching sight of Maddix's unsteady nature, begin to laugh which only increases the angry Maddix's wobbles.


"This is not funny!" Ejiro snarls.

"Landon Maddix doesn't look to comfortable up that...which is funny, I always thought he'd make a great clown." Annie giggles in response.

"Shut up. This isn't funny. Landon is a wrestler...not a circus freak."


Gingerly Landon waddles his way down the ramp, dwarfing Megan who still tries to keep a straight face by his side. Getting to the apron Megan hops up first, and holds out a hand as does Hardcastle. Grabbing their hands he puts one stilt on the apron, but can't get onto the apron...bringing about more laughter from the masses. Eventually Landon gives up and rolls into the ring under the ropes...struggling to pull himself up, and by the time he does so, lacking a lot of dignity.




The Gund fans take great pleasure at yelling towards Landon, as he tries to stay steady for a moment.






The bell rings, and both men slowly move forwards. Cross is still taller than Maddix, and looks downwards as Landon starts to talk trash up at him. Referee Hardcastle, dwarfed by the two wrestlers, shouts something up at them but neither hears. As the talking continues, Cross suddenly balls up his fist…which Maddix sees. He in turn balls up his, and swings forward with a right hand…as Cross was expecting. He steps back smartly, as Maddix swings and misses, falling flat on his face. The crowd burst into laughter again, as Maddix scrambles to the ropes, helping himself up with them.


“Maddix is clearly out of his depth here…” starts Judge.

“This is ridiculous. Poor Landon doesn’t deserve this.” Ejiro replies.


Angrily Maddix waddles across the ring, very slowly…and gets a right hand from Cross, the force buckling the stilts underneath him and sending him crashing to the mat. Cross just smiles as he looks down, Maddix again scrambling to the ropes to get himself up. Cross stands across the ring and encourages Landon on, which prompts Landon to try and charge at him. Running isn’t Maddix’s foray either, stumbling on his right stilt as he runs, and into another right hand. A tired Maddix rolls out of the ring this time, and angrily starts to stomp around ringside…Megan having to jump up to the apron to talk to him.




Angrily Landon gets Megan out of the way and rolls back into the ring, pulling himself up and stomping over to Cross, as intimidatingly as possible. Cross again swings with a right, but Landon manages to duck this time…Cross somehow managing to stay upright. Maddix hits a couple of weak blows to the back of Cross’ head, until he fights back with a couple of elbows to the gut. Landon keeps his balance, but is rocked. Quickly Cross turns on his ‘heels’, and swings with a roundhouse kick…





…catching Maddix in the gut with the stilt itself!!! Landon falls to his knees in pain, as Cross starts to fire knees to the face of the knelt European Champion. Thinking quickly, Landon swings a double axehandle at the left stilt, jolting it, and causing Cross to collapse forwards. Quickly Maddix capitalizes and fires right hands to the back of Cross’ head repeatedly…blow after blow rocking Cross and sending his head bouncing into the mat. Dazed, Cross lays face down on the mat as Landon pulls himself up…quickly leaping up into the air as best he can, and dropping a legdrop!


“What HEIGHT on that legdrop!” shouts Annie.

“I think Landon underestimated the height though…he’s hurting from the landing himself.” adds Judge.


Maddix rolls Cross onto his back and makes a cover…














…two count.


Maddix, still on his knees, fires away with more right hands looking to keep Cross and himself from being on the stilts. Landon grabs a handful of hair and drives Cross’ head into the mat once…twice…three times, before turning to the crowd and shouting out “Who Sucks Now!” The crowd respond with the typical boos, as Maddix throws Cross’ head into the mat for the fourth time. Landon quickly hooks the leg for another cover…


















…two count.


“Landon is smart here…he sucks on stilts, so he’s sticking to mat wrestling.” Annie observes.


Quickly Landon grabs Cross by the throat…and starts to choke away at Cross. With No DQ’s, Hardcastle cannot step in…so Cross has to escape with right hands to Landon. A succession of them connect before Landon is finally forced to release. Cross and Maddix both scramble over to opposite sides of the ring to pull themselves, unable to do so without their assistance. Both get to their feet, and waddle across the ring…as Cross grabs Maddix around the waist, and lifts him off his stilts! Cross’ legs begin to shake and buckle under the added weight, but he stays steady…before driving Landon to the mat with a front spinebuster slam!!!


“Spinebuster SLAM…from who knows how high in the air!” yells Annie.

“Cross has the better use of these stilts.” points out Hearford. “And that’s giving him the advantage in this match time and time again.”


Landon holds his back in pain, as Cross crawls on his hands and knees over to Landon and makes a cover…





















Cross pulls himself up on the ropes, dragging Landon up with him. Cross nails a couple of right hands, both of which rock Landon back into the ropes, but just about not over. Cross then grabs Maddix’s arm and tries to irish whip him across the ring. Landon however shows his lack of stilt ability by collapsing halfway across the ring to his knees. Cross stumbles forward to meet him…but Landon is waiting, with a lowblow! Again, as the stilts buckle Cross falls to the mat, as Landon manages to get to his feet somehow.




The chants are up and running again, as Maddix moves over to the ropes. Grabbing the top rope for support, Landon raises his right stilted leg in the air…and DRIVES it down to the chest of Cross! Cross’ entire body convulses from the impact, as Landon does the same again…and again…and again, until Cross is seemingly unable to continue. For every stomp the crowd seems to get louder with their chants. Finally Landon finishes up the stilt stomps, turning to the crowd and holding his hands out triumphantly…wobbling on his stilts as he does.


“That’s smart Judge.” begins Ejiro. “If Landon’s got to wear these stupid stilts, he might as well use them as weapons!”


Cross tries to pull himself up, but gets kneed in the side by Landon is he nears his ‘feet’. Hooking Cross’ in a reverse facelock, Landon falls forward…driving Cross to the mat with a Diving Reverse DDT before hooking the leg…

























…TWO! Cross gets a shoulder up.


Again Maddix hauls himself up and waits for Cross to do the same. Cross however is groggy, and takes his sweet time about it. In the meantime, Landon stands talking down to a couple of fans at ringside holding “Good Todd He Sucks” signs. Eventually Cross is back up, and Maddix waddles over, with an open handed slap to the jaw. Cross fires one back, and suddenly a slugfest erupts…until suddenly, Megan Skye leaps up to the apron holding a chair! Megan swings…catching Cross in the lower kidneys…Cross stumbles forward, doing his best to stay upright…but Cross lands straight into Landon’s clutches. Quickly Landon tries to get to the middle rope, but the stilts hinder him…having to settle for the bottom rope to hit…






Landon hooks the leg…














…THREEEEEE!!! Landon wins.


“It’s over…already.” Judge mumbles in shock.

“Man, that was…easy!” Ejiro beams.

“Yeah…with Megan’s help.


Megan helps Landon out of the ring, and he quickly unstraps the stilts from off his legs. “Suck My Kiss” plays, as Landon angrily begins to storm out of the arena, clearly not impressed with the ‘challenge’ put towards him. Landon and Megan, European Title belt and all, get to the top of the stage…stopping, as Maddix holds the belt in the air, shouting out Alan Clark’s name as SJL goes to a commercial break.

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Crimson blasts back from commercial the cameras sweeping over the sea of fns that stuffed themselves into the Gund Arena for the last ever Crimson show of the SJL, the camera view slowly pans over the screaming fans still hot from the curious matches that they have seen so far in the show. The camera view eventually switches back to the announcers table, Judge, Ejiro, and Annie ready as ever to continue calling the show as the night presses on.


“Welcome back to SJL Crimson folks! If you’ve just joined us you missed two very unique matches tonight, those being a Rubber Duck match and a Stilts match respectively!”


“Well it’s the last Crimson to be broadcast so I suppose we can allow some screwy matches right Judge?” Annie queries.


“Indeed it is Annie but before we get to tonight’s Main Event there is one more thing to expect, earlier tonight Aecas barged into Commissioner Raynor’s office and demanded a math since he wasn’t booked on the card!” Says Judge as he informs those viewers who have just tuned in what’s going on.


“Yeah he literally broke down the Commissioner door to get in there! I wonder who’s going to foot the bill for that one.” Ejiro says with a snicker.


“Well as long as it isn’t us I don’t really care Ejiro” Judge replies. “The more pressing issue is what Commissioner Raynor will have in store for the Black Angel, he granted the match but he clearly told Aecas that he would be making the rules tonight!”


“And is that such a bad thing?” Asks Ejiro.


“Walking into the match where you don’t know the stipulations is always a dangerous thing Ejiro.” Says Annie as she glances across at her fellow announcer.


“Damn right it is.” Says Judge. “He could be walking into anything, he could be walking into a Tar and Feather match, a Dog Collar Match…”


“A loser has to wear a dress for thirty days match? Queries Ejiro.


There’s an awkward silence as both Judge and Annie look at Ejiro quizzically, Rule returns the look with a baffled “What?”


Any further responses are quickly cut off as the arena lights cut out, plunging the building into darkness the fans becoming more and more audible as a graveyard bell begins to toll mournfully, the Smarktron displaying a figure shrouded in darkness, stabs of light highlighting the scales of a winding tattoo that spreads itself across his chest. The slivers of light travel slowly up the figures body highlighting the blank white orb of an eye as a deep voice reverberates through the arena speakers.


"Are you scared?"


The voice echoes for a moment before several voices speak as one.


"He's here..........."


The fans echo the words as they echo around the arena erupting into cheers as Dark Funeral’s “Dead Skin Mask” erupts from the arena speakers as a lighting flash highlights Aecas on the Smarktron, a sadistic grin on his face. Red lights begin to strobe around the arena, like an alarm system gone wrong - or a system that is warning of imminent carnage. The Smarktron displays A E C A S with blood dripping onto the top of the words. A series of sadistic moves are shown before A E C A S appears again this time with blood oozing halfway down the words. Another series of brutal weapon shots and vicious bumps is shown before A E C A S flashes up again, blood pooling at the bottom of the letters.


“Well folks ask and you shall receive! And we’ll find out what the Commissioner has in store for the Black Angel shortly!” Says Judge, raising his voice to be heard over the pounding music and deafening cheers.


As the Smarktron plays the movie, thick smoke boils up from the entranceway, filling the air and carpeting the floor, a blood red spotlight picks out Aecas as he stands deep in the depths of the smoke, an eerie silhouette will a large staff in one hand. Aecas raises the staff high above his head holding it high in both hands. A long wicked blade snaps forth from the staff as Aecas tips his head back spraying a mist of blood into the air, inciting a roar of approval from the crowd as he begins to stride down the aisle.


“Was that blood he just spat out?” Ejiro asks as he stares at the apparition striding down the ramp.


“I don’t know Ejiro and quite frankly I don’t really want to know.” Hearford replies as his eyes follow Aecas down to the ring area before glancing up at Funyon who is stepping into the ring and raising his mic to his lips.


“Ladies and Gentlemen the following contest is a special bonus match! Introducing first! From Shrewsbury, England! Weighting 315lbs! THE BLACK ANGEL! AECAS!!!!!!!” Funyon’s booming voice echoes around the arena partially drowning out the music and the cheers of the fans as Aecas reaches the ring. The giant leaps up onto the apron before stepping through the ropes a savage grin printed on his face as he raises the Scythe in one hand his teeth painted ruby red from the mist he spat out at the entranceway. The lights finally come back up and Aecas moves to the ropes, tossing his heavy Scythe out to the Time Keeper who once again visibly sags under the weight of the staff as the Black Angel begins to pace the ring like a caged animal as he waits for his mystery opponent.


“And Aecas is obviously eager to begin, we haven’t seen the Black Angel in action for a few weeks now and it looks like he decided to change that himself when he demanded a match from Commissioner Chris Raynor earlier tonight!”


“But who’s his opponent going to be Judge?” Asks Ejiro as he watches the Black Angel stalking around the squared circle.


“We already went through this Ejiro, stop asking unanswerable questions and just wait and see!” Annie practically shouts at Ejiro.


The cheering of the fans and the conflict of the announcers is quickly cut short as Tool’s “The Grudge” hits the speakers, the sudden change in music sending the fans back to their feet with boos and jeers as Chris Raynor makes his appearance on the final Crimson show ever. The boos of the fans only intensify as they see that Raynor is wearing a referee’s shirt, the smug grin on his face making it all too obvious what he has in mind.


“Making his way to the ring! The Special Referee for this contest! He is the SJL Commissioner! CHRIS RAYNOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!


“And things are already looking bad for the Black Angel! Aecas and the Commissioner didn’t see eye to eye before tonight’s meeting and Raynor is just stacking the deck against the Black Angel even more!” Exclaims Judge. “This is exactly what I was talking about when I say its dangerous going into a match when you don’t know the stipulations!”


Raynor continues to grin smugly, ignoring the jeers and various insulting gestures directed at him by the fans as he climbs the steps and slowly steps through the ropes into the ring, Aecas stops his pacing as the Commissioner enters the ring staring impassively at him as he relieves Funyon of his microphone.


“Well now Aecas. I promised you a match tonight and I’m a man of my word…” Raynor lowers the microphone for a moment as a brief “Bullshit!” chant rings out from the crow before he lifts the mic to his lips once again. “Now I’ve got somebody in the back who you’ve never wrestled before, and after he beats you you’ll never show your face in this industry again! The humiliation will be too great for you to bear!” Raynor breaks off again reaching up to pluck at the referee’s shirt, his smug grin getting wider. “As you probably guessed I’m not wearing this as a fashion accessory. I’m going to referee this match, and I’m going to personally run you out of this business!” He tosses the mic back to Funyon and smirks at Aecas, walking over to the nearest corner and casually leaning into it as Aecas transfers his dead gaze from the Commissioner to the entranceway.


“Chris Raynor has laid down the law! But who could he have in the back?!”


The fans wait with baited breath, all eyes on the entranceway eager to see just who Chris Raynor has chosen to face Aecas. The arena drops into pitch blackness once again the silence shattered as Our Lady Peace’s “Whatever” begins to blast through the speakers, a single blue pyro shoots from the ceiling to the stage igniting a series of pyros that ring the entranceway with white and blue explosions.


“Who the hell is this Judge? That music sound familiar but I can’t put my finger on who it belongs to…” Ejiro asks his brows knitted in concentration.


The answer is soon given as a figure flings back the entranceway curtain and steps out onto the stage to a very mixed reaction from the fans, there are a few cheers as some long time SJL fans recognize this figure but they are mostly drowned out by a series of boos and jeers that are leveled at the man.


“And introducing his opponent! Greenwich, Connecticut! Weighing 214lbs! CUTTHROAT!” Funyon’s booming voice rings out in the arena before the dapper announcer steps through the ropes and jumps back down to the floor.


“Oh GOD…” Moans Ejiro.


“Are you kidding me?!” Asks Justice as he stares dumbfounded at the monitor.


“Well Aecas will certainly be embarrassed if he loses this one…” Annie says quietly as she too stares at the monitors as Cutthroat slowly makes his way down to the ring.


“And look at Aecas! He doesn’t know what to think!”


“I don’t think he even knows who this guy is Judge!” Rule says shaking his head in disbelief. “Just when we think we’ve seen the back of him Commissioner Raynor brings him back in!”


“I know what you mean Ejiro, but like Annie said it looks like Raynor is going to make good on his promise to embarrass the Black Angel tonight!


The camera shifts from Cutthroat back to the ring, Commissioner Raynor is still grinning smugly at Aecas, the Black Angel on the other hand is staring at the man coming down the aisle a look of confusion on his face as he clearly has no idea who this man is. The look is fleeting however as the giant once again begins to pace the ring not caring who his opponent is and simply wanting to start the match. Cutthroat finally slides into the ring, his baggy orange shirt billowing around his skinny body, he darts past the pacing giant leaping up onto the second rope and spreading his arms, taking in the ‘adoration’ of the fans. After a few moments he removes the shirt, tossing it onto the turnbuckle before tossing a pair of sunglasses out into the crowd and leaping back into the ring to face his massive opponent. Raynor finally steps forwards from his corner and Aecas ceases his pacing turning to face his opponent in what looks to be one of the biggest mismatches in SJL history.


“How much do you think Cutthroat is getting paid for showing up here tonight Judge?” Annie asks as she looks up at the three men in the ring.


“What? You mean he gets paid?” Says Hearford, all three announcers chuckling at that. “I don’t know, but I have to wonder if any amount of money would be worth the beating he’s about to get! He’s giving up a good 10 inches of height and just over a hundred pounds of weight to Aecas!”


“You shouldn’t count Cutthroat out yet Judge, he’s quicker than Aecas and he may just win this one on his own!”


“You REALLY think that?” Asks Justice as he and Annie stare at Ejiro.


“Heh of course not he’s going to get killed without Raynor’s help.” Ejiro grins as his fellow announcers relax again.


Raynor looks at the two unlikely adversaries one last time before he signals to the Time Keeper to start the match.


DING! DING! DING!!!!!!!!!!!


Both men immediately go on the offensive, Aecas lunging for his opponent but grasping empty air as Cutthroat ducks underneath the giant’s questing hands, sprinting past his adversary Cutthroat rebounds off the ropes and plants his boots squarely between Aecas’ shoulder blades with a quick Dropkick, staggering the bigger man. Cutthroat is quick to get back to his feet moving in again as Aecas turns around and slamming a straight kick into the giant’s stomach doubling him over and dropping his head in perfect position for an uppercut. Cutthroat seeing the opportunity lashes out with his right hand, cracking the fist squarely against the Black Angel’s jaw and snapping his head back up.


“Razor Punch! And he just rocked Aecas back on his heels with that one!”


“Yes he did Judge but it’s going to take a hell of a lot more than one punch!”


As Aecas staggers backwards Cutthroat grabs the giants left arm and tires to pull him into an Irish Whip which the Black Angel easily reverses sending his skinny opponent flying across the ring.


“What the hell is Cutthroat thinking trying to Irish Whip a man twice his size?!” Annie asks incredulously.


Cutthroat rebounds off of the ropes quickly ducking under a huge lariat attempt from his gigantic opponent, both men hit the ropes again and this time Cutthroat is not so fortunate as he runs right into the huge right boot of the Black Angel.


“Yakuza Kick!” Yells Judge. “Who knows what Cutthroats thinking Annie but he better be smarter than that or Aecas is going to rip him apart!”


Cutthroat quickly rolls out of the ring and topples to the outside landing on the protective mats with a dull smack, “the Extremist” clutches at his head and his eyes widen as he sees Aecas coming out after him. Cutthroat wastes no time and quickly slides underneath the ring covers disappearing beneath the squared circle as Aecas climbs from the ring.


“Cutthroat’s running away! One kick to the face and he’s fleeing already!”


Aecas bends down and grabs the ring cover jerking it up to look underneath, as he does so Cutthroat slithers out of the ring from the opposite side, a chair in his hands, he quickly runs around the ring raising the chair and bringing it down hard on Aecas head.




“Cutthroat’s going to get himself disqualified right here! But Raynor is shaking his head! Since when did this match become No DQ!?” Annie cries as Raynor simply smirks watching the action at ringside.


Cutthroat grins, raising the chair again and smashing it down on the back of Aecas’ head as he begins to get back to his feet.




Aecas absorbs this chair shot and stands bolt upright his dead eyes glaring at Cutthroat as he tears the chair from the hands of his skinny opponent. Aecas raises the chair up high and Cutthroat screams covering his head with his hands, the Black Angel pauses for a moment looking exasperated until Cutthroat cautiously looks up.






The fans erupt as Aecas FLOORS Cutthroat with the steel chair, destroying its shape on the skull of his opponent and throwing the wreckage of the chair into the ring, narrowly missing a now nervous looking Raynor.


“And it looks like Commissioner Raynor is starting to regret the decisions he made for this match.” Observes Judge as the announcers watch Aecas seize another couple of chairs from ringside and hurl them into the ring before moving back towards Cutthroat. The Black Angel grabs his opponent by the hair dragging him back up to his feet before shoving him back into the ring and climbing back up to the apron, stepping through the ropes as he follows his groggy opponent in.


Cutthroat slowly starts to get back up to his feet before Aecas drags him back up by the hair once again, the Black Angel stares at his opponent for a moment before a huge boot slams into Cutthroat’s stomach doubling him over. Aecas steps forwards wrapping his arm around Cutthroat’s waist and lifting him up onto his broad right shoulder, he holds his skinny opponent there for a long moment before dragging him forwards and sitting out catering Cutthroat head first into the canvas with a huge Piledriver!


“Dark Ascension! This is over already!” Annie cries as the crowd let out another collective gasp from the impact of the move, Raynor drops down to his stomach as Aecas reaches forwards and hooks a leg.























Cutthroat’s shoulder barely clears the canvas but Raynor instantly stops his count raising two fingers in the air while he grins smugly at Aecas.


“Oh come ON!” Protests Annie as the boos of the fans fill the air anew.


“Don’t act so surprised Annie, we knew that Raynor would be anything but a credible official in this match.”


Aecas glares at Chris Raynor who just shrugs, the smirk never leaving his face as he gets back up to his feet backing away as Aecas drags a now very dazed Cutthroat back up to his feet. Tossing Cutthroat’s left arm over his head Aecas wraps his own massive right arm around the head of “The Extremist” his left lowering and grabbing a handful of Cutthroat’s tights. The Black Angel lifts Cutthroat up effortlessly holding his scrawny opponent in the air letting all the blood rush to his head as Raynor slowly creeps unseen behind the giant. When he judges the time is right he lashes out, kicking Aecas squarely between the legs, the Black Angel roars in pain dumping Cutthroat back onto the ground as he clutches at his crotch.


“What a vile shot by Raynor!”


Cutthroat drops back to his feet reaching up and grabbing Aecas and quickly rolling him up into a Small Package Pin and Raynor is instantly on the canvas and counting the pinfall, almost before Aecas’ shoulders hit the canvas.






Aecas just barely kicks out at the last second to a huge pop from the crowd and a scream of frustration from Raynor as Aecas quickly gets back up to his feet ignoring Raynor for the moment as he concentrates on Cutthroat. The Black Angel steps in behind “The Extremist” hauling him off of his feet and into a Pumphandle Slam position before turning his opponent upside down and dropping him headfirst, sitting out to Piledriver Cutthroat’s head into the canvas once again.


“Black Death Driver!” Cries Annie “This farce of a match is as good as over!”


Aecas quickly pins his opponent with a lateral press, hooking a leg as he keeps Cutthroat’s shoulders firmly on the mat, unbeknownst to the Black Angel Raynor is stalking him, a chair held at the ready as he waits for Aecas to face him. The Commissioner does not have long to wait, not hearing a count Aecas drops the leg he holds and climbs to his knees slowly turning around and right into another vicious chairshot to the head.




Aecas staggers from the blow delivered with all of Raynor’s strength slowly staggering up to his feet as Raynor comes at him once again.








Aecas staggers back as Raynor dents the chair on his skull again and again the fourth shot finally knocking him from his feet and toppling him to the canvas, his back arching as Raynor continues to smash the wrecked chair over his back.


“And Commissioner Raynor is going ballistic with that chair!” says Judge yelling to make himself heard over the deafening boos that fill the arena.


“Aecas brought this on himself Judge and there’s nobody in the back willing to go against the Commissioner!” Ejiro shouts about to add something else when Machine Head’s “Davidian” hits the speakers and all speech is drowned out as every single fan in the building leaps to their feet as the unmistakable gigantic form of Janus rushes down the aisle. Raynor drops the wreckage of the chair, staring open mouthed at the Anti Hell Machine and leaving himself wide open as Dace night vaults the crowd barriers, sliding into the ring and rushing the SJL Commissioner.


“You were saying Ejiro! The Unholy Trinity are in the house!” cries Annie as all three announcers watch Dace hurtle past their table and into the ring.


Raynor is too busy watching Janus to pay attention to what’s coming behind him, the first indication he has of trouble is when Dace Nights powerful arms wrap around his waist, launching him off his feet and across the ring with a massive Release German Suplex. Janus hits the ring as Raynor crashes down on the canvas head and shoulders first, Aecas slowly starts to get back up a grin on his face at the unexpected reinforcements as Dace pushes himself back up closing in on Raynor as Janus runs the ropes building up momentum.


“Dace just destroyed the Commissioner with that huge German Suplex! And it looks like the Trinity are setting up Raynor for something special!”


“We’ve seen this before Judge! How do you want your ribs splinted or bandaged?!” Yells Annie gleefully as the three watch Dace hook Raynor’s legs up.


Dace hooks Raynor’s legs as Janus rebounds off of the ropes for a second time, arching himself backwards and Slingshoting Raynor up, releasing the SJL Commissioner right into a huge body mangling GORE from Janus!


“SOUL CRUSHER from the Unholy Trinity!” Cries Judge as Raynor collapses bonelessly to the canvas. “And the Commissioner is OUT!”


The cheers of the fans shake the arena as the three men slowly get back up to their feet, Aecas grinning at the two Trinity members and slowly extends his hand, Dace and Janus look at the outstretched limb and grin, as Dace is the first to accept the handshake slapping Aecas on the back before stepping back as Janus gives Aecas another crushing handshake to the delight of the fans.


“And it looks like the Unholy Trinity may have just become the Unholy Quartet!” Says Justice as he watches the action in ring before all eyes shift to Cutthroat who is slowly staggering up to his feet in the middle of the ring. “And the nightmare is not over yet! Cutthroat would have done better to stay down!”


Aecas and the Trinity notice Cutthroat slowly getting up and with a trademarked evil grin the Black Angel moves closer to his allies whispering something to them which causes them to sprout evil grins of their own.


“And this is looking even less good for Cutthroat!” Yells Ejiro. “The Trinity are a bunch of sicko’s at the best of times and the last thing they need is Aecas giving them ideas!”


Aecas and Dace quickly run towards one another, criss crossing in front of Cutthroat as he stands dazed in the middle of the ring, Aecas and Dace rebound off of the ropes and sandwich “The Extremist’s” head with a pair of vicious Yakuza kicks before Janus flattens Cutthroat’s broken remains with another huge GORE!


“Double Yakuza Kick right into a GORE by Janus! If this match wasn’t already over it surely is now!” Yells Annie as Janus stoops next to Raynor’s prone body ripping the referee shirt from him and tying it around his arm to the delight of the fans before motioning a three count to Aecas.


“And it looks like Janus is tasking matters into his own hands!” Judge cries as Aecas hooks the leg of his opponent one more time as the fans count along with Janus as he slams his hand down on the canvas.








DING! DING! DING!!!!!!!!


“The winner of the match by pinfall! THE BLACK ANGEL! AECAS!”


The crowd explodes into cheers once again as Dark Funeral’s “Dead Skin Mask” blast through the speakers once again, Janus unties the wreckage of the referee shirt from his arm and drops it on Raynor’s prone body, the Trinity take hold of Aecas’ arms and raise them high in a victory salute as the fans cheer themselves hoarse. Ignoring the decimated remains of the Commissioner and his erstwhile “champion” the three men slowly exit the ring and make their way back up the ramp the cheering of the crowd ringing in their ears.


“What a match that was folks!” Says Judge matter of factly.


“What do you mean Judge?” Ejiro butts in. “Are we going to let that decision stand? The Unholy Trinity came out here and just crushed our Commissioner! What did Chris Raynor do to deserve that?!”


“Everything!” Yells Annie as the three men stop at the entranceway as Serena emerges from backstage, the gothic beauty carrying what looks like a chalice in her hands, she grins as she offers it to the three men. Aecas is the first to accept taking the chalice and taking a long sip of whatever it contains before he passes it to Dace and Janus who repeat the process.


“What the hell are these three up to now?” Wonders Ejiro. “Some kind of Ritual up there to celebrate?”


The three men turn to face the crowd, The Trinity and Aecas united in one Unholy Alliance as they raises their arms to the crowd and spray a blood mist high into the air in perfect sync to another huge pop from the crowd, each of them sporting a bloody grin before they finally turn and disappear into the darkness of backstage.


“Whatever it was Ejiro can wait till later, the important thing is that it looks like Aecas is not going into the SWF without any allies!” says Judge as SJL security comes down to the ring along with a few EMT’s t help Raynor and Cutthroat backstage. “Well this has certainly been a shocking development folks but stay tuned because our Main Event is coming up next! The last Crimson of all will be right back after these announcements!”

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As we return from the last commercial break of the night, we see a rising mass of humanity inside the Gund Arena in Cleveland, Ohio. As the camera pans around the arena, every person in attendance stands claps, applauding the end of an SJL Crimson video retrospective. The video fades from the SmartkTron, and the standing ovation dissipates, as the camera swings back down to the commentary position.


Judge: Welcome back to the HOME of the Smarks Junior Leagues, the Gund Arena in Cleveland, Ohio!!!


Annie: That’s right. We’re back at home base for the final episode of SJL Crimson! We’re in the middle of a PACKED night of action that has already seen a Rubber Ducky match between Alan Clark and Jacob Helmsley- and Landon Maddix fight David Cross for the European Title, high above the arena floor!


Ejiro: But up next, the FINAL match in Crimson history, and it is a doozy! Seven men will enter, but only one will leave. To do so, however, he must make sure each of his opponent’s is left with a face full of bubblegum!


Judge: No one ever accused of being uncreative, and Chris Raynor has come up with a way to shut down Crimson in style.


After our announcers explain the situation, the arena lights go down, leaving the focus of the arena to fall on center-ring. The fans clap politely as the voice of the SJL, Funyon, grabs his microphone and steps into the ring to announce the final match.


Funyon: Ladies and Gentlemen…the following is your FINAL SJL Crimson Main Event!!!…It is an elimination contest…with television time remaining. Your referee for this bout…Sexton Hardcastle!


As the crowd reacts to the official- a mixture of polite applause and mocking jeers, the lights in the arena snap to black briefly, before flashing on again in a blinding red hue. The crowd rises as one to their feet as guitar chords begin to play over the PA system. A spiked “DD” logo zooms onto the SmarkTron as the crowd begins to cheer.




Funyon: Announcing first…from Parts Unknown…weighing in at two hundred and seven pounds…he is the DAREDEVIL!!!


The crowd cheers as the pyro dies down, and “Man Without Fear” by Drowning Pool & Rob Zombie blasts over the speakers. The curtain parts, revealing the masked competitor, and the cheers increase. Holding his crimson billyclub, and bobbing his head to the music, Daredevil rushes down the aisle, slapping hands with the fans, and leaping into the ring. Raising his hands into the air, Daredevil soaks in his applause as the music dies down.


Annie: Daredevil is looking to make a big splash tonight, and raise his stock in the eyes of many by pulling the upset here. He’s up against a lot of big name talent like Todd Royal and Spike Jenkins, that he hasn’t faced before, and a victory in this match could put him on the map.


Ejiro: Yeah. He’s got a real chance too. He’s wearing a MASK. He literally CAN NOT win this match. But maybe he can help out Todd or Manson by weakening the competition.


Suddenly, the SmarkTron is lit up with a giant Pink heart, and the chorus of “Big Girls Don’t Cry” blasts over the loudspeakers. All the women in the audience rise to their feet, shrieking their approval as their male counterparts groan and join in reluctant applause. The curtain flies open, and out steps Frankie Deed, dressed in bubblegum pink and cotton candy blue raver pants, and a pink silk shirt. He tosses his pink cowboy hat into the crowd as he struts to the ring.


Funyon: Making his way to the ring…from Scranton, Pennsylvania…weighing in at two hundred and thirteen pounds… “FRUTY”…FRANKIE DEED!!!


The applause of the crowd continues as Frankie gracefully leaps up onto the ring apron and ducks into the ring. As Deed waves to Daredevil, he reaches into his trunks. The masked man double takes and backs away, but Deed pulls out a shower cap, pulling it snug over his freshly styled hair.


Judge: Well, I guess that’s strategy by Frankie Deed. He knows that there’s a good chance everyone in this match will send sticky gum at his face, and I bet he just had that hair professionally done.


Ejiro: He looks like a walking pink mushroom. Or, come to think of it…


Annie: THAT’S just about enough of that…


Ejiro: Yeah- I know that’s not your area of expertise.


Frankie’s prancing is soon masked however, as the entire arena goes dark. The crowd hushes, and a somber orchestra piece plays softly over the arena sound system. On the SmarkTron, the image of a white ankh flashes brightly as pyrotechnics flash off around ringside, climbing slowly up the ramp. As the curtain is drawn back, red strobe lights begin to flash, drawing the first boos of the night from the crowd.


Funyon: Coming down the aisle…from Boston, Massachusetts…weighing in at two hundred and twenty eight pounds…JIMMY… “THE DEMON”…LISTON!!!


Jimmy Liston walks slowly to the ring, his long, streaked hair hanging over his vacant white eyes. Cradle of Filth’s “Born in a Burial Gown” thumps over the speakers, and the Demon marches towards the ring, staring straight ahead and shunning the outstretched hands of the crowd. Sliding into the ring, Liston stares down Deed and Daredevil, backing them off as the music dies down.


Ejiro: See, I’d like to pick Liston as a favorite in this match, as he’s obviously much more talented than either of THOSE two, but I don’t think he’s ever played baseball OR chewed bubblegum.


Annie: I think both of those activities are too happy for Liston, but he always seems to come out with a mission, and I wouldn’t want to be on the receiving end of his rage, gum match or not!


Judge: Liston is another man with a lot to prove tonight. He’s done battle several times with most of the men in this match, and this could be his chance to extract a lot of revenge!


The crowd’s jeering begins to die down, as Cradle of Filth fades from the speakers. The arena plunges into blackness again, however, and as Prong’s “Snap Your Fingers, Snap Your Neck” blares over the PA system, the crowd boos again. White strobe lights illuminate the arena in short bursts, and the curtain parts and a wild-eyed bearded man steps through, his fist held in the air.


Funyon: Approaching the ring…from Denver, Colorado…weighing in at two hundred and thirty five pounds…this is…MANSON!!!


The crowd continues to jeer as the psychotic Manson makes his way to ringside. Ignoring the fans along the guardrail Manson stalks toward the ring, sliding under the ropes and taking a seat in the last open corner. Liston and Manson exchange glares as a shocked Frankie Deed looks worriedly at Manson’s beard.


Ejiro: Now HERE is what has to be one of the favorites for this match. Manson is insane, and will do anything to win. I would bet he doesn’t even find the fact that you need to chew bubblegum to win this match odd. He’s perfect for this type of match.


Annie: I think the beard will be to his disadvantage though. That’s a good way to get gum stuck near your face.


Judge: It’s good to know that you two have thought of strategy for this type of match. Somehow I doubt Manson has put that much thought into it. He’s just going to beat the hell out of these guys.


The crowd doesn’t even have time to quiet down this time, however, as the opening chords of Marilyn Manson’s “This is the New Shit” plays loudly over the speakers. The rain of boos continues as a spotlight shines on the curtain as a lone figure steps onto stage, his head bowed and covered with a towel. The lights slowly flicker on as the man begins to walk purposefully to ringside, never raising his head or letting his face be seen.


Funyon: Being escorted to the ring by Natasha…and weighing in at two hundred and twenty seven pounds…from Calgary, Alberta, Canada… “LIVEWIRE”…SEAN CASEY!!!


As Funyon finishes his introduction, he is shoved out of the way by Sean Casey. Casey stands in the center of the ring, and as “This is the New Shit” continues to pound throughout the arena, reaches up and tears the towel off his head, tossing it to Natasha at ringside. Snapping back his head and tearing off his shirt, Casey throws out his hands in a Christ-like pose.


Ejiro: Livewire Sean Casey is in the house tonight…


Annie: …and so is Natasha…mmmmmm


Judge: Casey is a very serious competitor, and actually petitioned Chris Raynor to be removed from this match. He claims that he’s well above kiddy matches that involve chewing gum, but our commissioner wants the best match possible- and Casey WILL compete.


Ejiro: Raynor’s just a stubborn old miser.


As the crowd continues to rain down obscenities on the majority of the people in the ring, the lights in the Gund slowly drop to black again. Underneath the SmarkTron, the stage comes alive with light blue lights, and a sweeping scene of the “Hollywood” sign appears on the screen. As soon as Hotwire’s “Not Today” begins to play, the crowd erupts in cheers, standing and yelling as the curtain is pulled back.


Funyon: About to make his way to ringside…from Hollywood, California…weighing in at two hundred and twenty five pounds… “HOLLYWOOD”…SPIKE JENKINS!!!


White pyro explodes across the stage, temporarily shrouding Spike behind a curtain of light. When the heat dies down, Jenkins steps into the aisle, hood pulled over his head and a grin on his face. Spike takes his time walking to the ring, staring at all of his opponents and slapping hands with all of the fans. As he nears the ring, Jenkins pulls back his hood, staying on the floor and out of reach his five opponents.


Annie: The crowd is electric here for Spike Jenkins! “Hollywood” is here in Ohio, and the fans respect him for all he’s done in this arena!


Ejiro: And he’s done a LOT. When Spike started here in the SJL, the original Cleveland Browns were playing down the street. Maybe these people are just clapping because it’s the last time they have to look at this moron’s ugly mug.


Judge: Somehow I doubt that. Spike has given a lot to these fans during his time here in the SJL, and he’s appeared on a lot of episodes of Crimson. Tonight he looks to make the last appearance one to remember, and defeat 6 big challengers at once.


With four men in the ring, and two- Casey and Jenkins- at ringside, the crowd begins to boo as soon as Jenkin’s music fades out, knowing who is still left to enter. Their suspicions are correct, as the lights in the arena fall to darkness again, and the sounds of a church choir can be heard echoing from the rafters. As candles flicker to live on each side of the stage, a spotlight falls from the rafters, illuminating a stained glass portrait of Todd Royal.


Funyon: And their opponent…accompanied to the ring by Landon Maddix and Megan Skye, and weighing in at two hundred and twenty pounds…from San Diego, California…TODD ROYAL!!!


The booing of the crowd reaches a new high as blue and white strobe lights flash on and AC/DC’s “Shoot to Thrill” blares over the speakers. Underneath the screen, the curtain is pulled back and Skye and Maddix step into the arena. Each carrying a towel and a bottle, they step aside, allowing Todd Royal to walk down the aisle. Tossing off his “Todd Bless us All” vest, Royal steps onto the apron.


Annie: Royal’s got quite the entourage here tonight. Bringing that spineless lackey Landon Maddix, and that delicious ditz, Megan Skye as back up. Somehow I doubt either of them are here to stand around and watch.


Ejiro: It’s pretty simple if you ask me. Todd’s got SIX guys to deal with. Obviously they’ll all be after Royal, as he is the gold standard of success, and he’s just making sure the advantage doesn’t get too unfair.


Judge: Todd Royal has a lot on his mind tonight. Sean Casey will be out for revenge, after losing a tag team match to Royal just over a week ago, Liston and Royal have almost a six month history of tension, and standing across that ring is Spike Jenkins, a man who has been a thorn in his side for weeks.


The crowd settles down as the music fades off and all six men move toward the center of the ring. The camera pans around the ringside area, showing 4 tables full of packages of Big League Chew, and in the ring, Funyon reads the rules of the match to the audience and the competitors.


Funyon: The following is a Big League Chew Elimination Challenge…there will be NO pinfalls, NO submissions, NO countouts and NO disqualifications…the only way a man can be eliminated from this bout is to have your face covered in BIG LEAGUE CHEW!!




As the bell rings, Spike Jenkins is the first to act. Diving across the ring, Jenkins leaps over referee Sexton Hardcastle, a look of determination in his eyes. The crowd explodes as Spike comes down hard on top of Todd Royal, taking him to the mat with a shoulder tackle. As Hollywood mounts and pummels his opponent into the mat, the other five competitors slide out of the ring, each going for a packet full of bubble gum.


Annie: Spike Jenkins comes right out of the gate, firing on all cylinders! He’s looking to take Todd Royal out right from the get-go, and even up the score in their war!


Ejiro: Meanwhile, everyone else actually has a SMART plan, as they head straight for the Chew. Spike’s not gonna win this match by pins or submission, so working over Todd is kind of useless.


Judge: I don’t think this is about strategy, I just think Spike wants to pound Royal’s head in for a while.


On the outside of the ring, the problem of five guys and four tables of gum provides a confrontation of its own. Daredevil and Jimmy Liston both choose the same place to get their gum, and as the masked man reaches for a packet of Chew, the Demon kicks his arm out of the way. Daredevil spins around, firing off a chop to the chest of Liston, and the fans on that side of the ring spring to life.


As Liston staggers backwards, Daredevil makes another move for the gum. The Demon lunges forward to block however, grabbing the mysterious man by the wrist. Pivoting and whipping his hair around, Liston prepares to send his opponent into the guardrail with and Irish whip. The masked man puts on the brakes, however, spinning the Demon back and sending him crashing into the table.


Judge: Woah! There’s gum all over the place now, as Daredevil sends Jimmy Liston tumbling into that table!


While Spike Jenkins fires off a dropkick to Royal inside the ropes, Frankie Deed tears open a packet of gum and places a handful in his mouth. Chewing carefully and happily, Deed fails to notice Manson stalking around the ring. As the Fruity one begins to tongue his gum in preparation for bubble blowing, Manson grabs him by the shoulder and spins around.


Annie: Uh oh, Frankie’s about to get a makeover, and it ain’t the way he’d like it!


The bald-headed mad man reaches back as Deed spins around, and unleashes a stiff European Uppercut to the jaw. Frankie’s head snaps back upon impact, and a huge wad of pink gum flies into the air and over the rail. Deed staggers backwards, and Manson charges, raising his boot and drilling Frankie into the concrete with a Mafa Kick. With Deed face-up on the ground, Manson stands over him, chewing and stretching his own wad of gum in his mouth.


Ejiro: Manson’s preparing to spit that gum right in Deed’s face and take him out of the match! Hopefully, he’ll rip off that stupid shower cap, and mess with Frankie’s hair too.


Manson lets the wad of Chew fly, but Deed rolls out of the way, causing the gum to splat across the concrete. Manson curses, but the Fruity one rolls back around, hitting a drop-toe-hold that sends his opponent face-first into the guardrails.




The crowd cheers for the flamboyant Frankie as inside the ring, Spike sends Todd hard into the turnbuckles. Royal bounces out of the corner, but Jenkins stays on him, dropping him to the mat with a huge arm drag. Hollywood kips off the mat and runs the ropes, but as he nears his opponent, Sean Casey slides into the ring, tackling Jenkins to the canvas.




Judge: Sean Casey makes his presence felt, taking Jenkins to the mat!!


Ejiro: Livewire was waiting outside the ring for the right time to attack, and he certainly caught Spike off guard. Jenkins was blinded by his hate of Royal, and didn’t even think of Casey.


Sean Casey has no gum in his mouth, nor any in his hands, but he immediately tees off on his opponent. Lifting Spike off the canvas and sending him back into the ropes, Casey fires off a chop that sends Jenkins reeling. Grabbing Hollywood by the neck and hooking him with a facelock, Sean Casey lurches back with a suplex that plants Spike into the canvas.


At ringside, and with his opponent down in a pile of gum, Daredevil finally grasps a packet of Big League Chew. Tearing open the package, he reaches in and grabs a handful of pink threads. As the masked man brings the mass of candy to his face, he suddenly stops, unable to get the clump through the mouth slit in his mask.


Annie: Uh oh.


Ejiro: I TOLD you! Daredevil can’t get that gum through his mask and into his mouth! He’s got to chew the gum to win the match, and I don’t think he can do it!


A frantic Daredevil begins shoving the gum piece by piece into his mask as Jimmy Liston stirs in the pile of gum. The masked man works slowly however, and as the crowd starts to scream at him to hurry, the long-haired Demon bursts out of the wreckage. Liston spins his opponent around, and unleashes a wad of gum that covers the eyeholes of Daredevil’s mask.


Judge: The masked hero’s face is half covered in gum! Liston’s got to get more gum and finish the job, and Daredevil has to figure out a way to get the gum in his mouth into play.


A blinded Daredevil flails briefly before reaching behind his head and trying to undo the threads that hold his mask on. Instead of reaching for more gum, however, Jimmy Liston simply steps back and sizes his opponent up. As his masked opponent tears the mask over his jaw and up to his nose, beginning to blow a bubble with his gum, the Demon charges, driving his forearm into Daredevil’s gum and smearing it all over his face.




Funyon: Ladies and gentlemen…Daredevil…has…been…ELIMINATED!!!




Ejiro: HAHA! Daredevil is GONE thanks to a big forearm by Liston! He gummed up Daredevil’s mask and then when Daredevil exposed his jaw, used his OWN gum against him! Jimmy Liston showing why he’s a REAL hero!!


Judge: That’s our first elimination, but I’m sure things are just starting to pick up!


Annie: Hey! What the hell are Maddix and Megan doing!


Across ringside, Landon Maddix and Megan Skye have sauntered over to one of the gum tables, and each has grabbed a packet of gum. Now, standing clear of a brawling Manson and Deed, each slowly chews a package of gum, a sly smile across their faces.


Ejiro: Looks innocent enough to me. They probably just saw ALL of this gum, and got a craving! That Big League Chew is good stuff.


Annie: NOTHING those two do is innocent. Something’s going on.


Back inside the ring, Sean Casey continues to pound on Spike Jenkins, dropping an elbow across Hollywood’s chest and grinding his face into the canvas with his forearm. As Casey jerks his opponent off the mat and tenderizes his face with knee lifts, Jimmy Liston slides into the ring- a wad of unchewed gum in his hand.


Judge: The Demon is back up, and ready to claim his second victim in this match.


Across the ring, Todd Royal is pulling himself to his feet, and a scowl breaks out across his face. He motions to ringside, and as Manson swings by, crashing into the guardrail from a Frankie Deed Irish whip, Landon Maddix steps toward the ring. Reaching into his mouth, “La Cucaracha” pulls out his wad of gum and tosses it at Liston.


Ejiro: HAHA! Todd’s got Landon and Megan chewing gum FOR him! That’s brilliant!


Annie: That’s insanely egotistical.


Suddenly, the crowd erupts, as Liston raises his hand, catching the wad of gum meant for his face. Todd’s eyes widen as the Demon grins manically, reaching down and smearing the gum along Royal’s jaw. Todd fights back and pulls his face away, but the Demon’s eyes flash with insanity as he attempts to grind the gum into Royal’s face.


Ejiro: Fight back Todd! Don’t go out like that!!


As Liston fills his mouth with another wad of gum, Royal strikes out with a desperation kick- catching the Demon in the groin and sending him to the canvas. As Liston squirms on the mat, Sean Casey lifts Spike high into the air, flap jacking him down across the Demon’s chest. Casey laughs at the destruction around him as outside the ring, Megan Skye grabs the bottle she brought and rushes the ring.


Opening the bottle and pouring the clear contents into her hands, Megan grabs Royal’s face and begins to massage the liquid into Todd’s face. Royal’s face begins to shine, and the gum on his jaw breaks apart as Skye smears the greasy liquid across his face.


Judge: What the hell? I think Megan is rubbing baby oil on Todd’s face! It’s dissolving that gum, whatever it is…


Ejiro: That’s GENIUS!


Annie: That’s CHEATING.


Judge: It’s a bubblegum match, there’s no cheating in a bubblegum match.


The crowd boos as a freshly-shined Todd Royal grins and gets to his feet. Grabbing Spike by the hair, Todd assists Sean Casey in pulling Jenkins off the mat. The two men push “Hollywood” to the corner, and grin as a weary Spike slumps against the turnbuckles. Reaching back, Casey unleashes a knife-edge chop to the chest of Spike.






Livewire reaches back for a second blow, but Todd waves him off, leaning back and letting loose on Jenkins with a chop of his own.


















Jenkins’ eyes glaze over as the two men take turns pummeling him with chops to the chest. As Jimmy Liston slides out of the other side of the ring to get more bubblegum, Landon Maddix saunters around the ring, towel in hand. Royal and Casey continue pounding on Spike as Landon leaps up onto the apron, producing handcuffs and snapping them on Casey’s wrists- attaching him to the top rope. Casey screams in protest as Todd grabs Jenkins, whipping him into the middle of the ring.


Annie: What’s going on here?! Landon Maddix has handcuffed Sean Casey to the top rope! This is ridiculous.


Ejiro: It’s a no disqualification match, baby! This is all perfectly legal, and a great looking plan by the House of Todd!


Judge: Where did Megan Skye and Landon Maddix get baby oil and handcuffs?


Ejiro: HEY! Get your mind out of the gutter! I talked to Todd and he ASSURED me there is NO relationship between Maddix and Megan. Skye is a devout follower of Todd!


Royal snaps Spike over with a suplex, as outside the ring, Frankie Deed is briefly distracted from his brawl with Manson. Seeing the body of baby oil Landon Maddix set down when he handcuffed Casey, Deed wanders over. Grabbing the bottle of oil, Frankie squirts a handful of oil out, rubbing it over his chest as the crowd looks on in half-amusement, half-disgust.


Ejiro: Aww man, THAT’S uncalled for. You think Frankie actually, y’know, LIKES that, or he’s just one of those trendy metro sexual people.


Annie: ….


Judge: That’s a bit of a touchy subject for our broadcast partner, Ejiro.


Frankie casually blows a bubble with his gum as he oils himself up, but he is too involved with his greasedown to notice Manson walking up behind him. Chair in hand, Manson grabs Frankie’s shirt, spinning him around and plastering him across the hand with the steel seat. As Deed’s bubble pops across his face, his opponent simply smiles and cracks the chair over Frankie’s head again.


Funyon: Ladies and gentlemen… “Fruity” Frankie Deed…has…been…ELMINATED!!!


Ejiro: HA! I guess you can say Manson really “burst Frankie’s bubble” there, huh?


Annie: You’re an IDIOT.


The crowd boo’s the second elimination as Deed shrieks and runs to the back, trying to pull the gum off his face. Manson, chair in hand, goes after Jimmy Liston, as Royal and Spike continue to fight in the ring.


Judge: We’re down to five guys, but Sean Casey has essentially been taken out of this match by being handcuffed to the ropes by Landon Maddix.


Royal places a beaten-down Spike into the corner opposite Casey and lets out a “whooo!” to the crowd in attendance. Leaping off the mat, Todd plants his feet in his opponent’s gut, leaning back for a monkey-flip. Spike summons all his energy to block, however, grabbing Todd’s legs and driving him to the canvas with a spine buster.


Annie: Spike fights back with a BIG spine buster!! Now might be the time for Jenkins to head out of the ring and get some gum.


Spike’s mind clicks onto a similar idea, as he eyes Manson and Liston who are brawling outside the ring. Gum appears to be the last thing on Hollywood’s mind, however, as Jenkins runs the far ropes and leaps into the air, sailing over the top rope and crashing down on Liston and Manson with a huge plancha




Annie: Spike Jenkins with a HUGE Crossbody block over the ropes and onto two men at ringside!!


Ejiro: Spike nearly took out that table full of gum with that move!


Manson and the Demon lay injured on the concrete as Spike Jenkins heads to the table to pick up his first packet of gum. As Jenkins empties a pouch into his mouth and turns around however, he sees Todd Royal, perched high above him on the top turnbuckle. The crowd stands as Todd leaps, tumbling forward and taking out Spike with a somersault plancha through the table at ringside.




Judge: Royal just took Spike through that table with a suicide dive! That’s not something we are used to seeing from Todd, but this is a high-profile match, and he’s determined to out-do Spike Jenkins in EVERYTHING.


Ejiro: Remember, Todd has spent over a year in Mexico, and he can take to the air with the best of them.


Spike and Royal lay motionless in the wreckage of the table, as Manson and Jimmy Liston get to their feet, having recovered from Jenkins’ plancha. Manson, grabbing Royal by the straps, drags his opponent to the ring, tossing Todd under the bottom rope. Climbing in after him, Manson drops a big leg to the head.


Royal’s head lifts off the mat briefly, before it drops hard to the canvas again. Megan screams encouragement from ringside, as Manson lifts Todd up into the air again. Tossing Royal over his shoulder, Manson roars and drops to one knee, driving Todd’s shoulder into his leg with force. As the wild man leaps back to his feet, Sean Casey leaps into the air, clipping Manson across the back of the head with a kick.


Annie: Big time shoulder breaker by Manson, but Sean Casey finally gets an opening, and paintbrushes the back of Manson’s head with that kick.


Ejiro: That doesn’t seem like the best course of action to me. Casey probably just angered Manson, and Sean’s got nowhere to run.


Indeed, Manson’s head snaps around, looking angrily at Sean Casey- whose eyes widen with fear. As Manson rises to his feet, Casey pulls feverishly at his steel prison, trying futiley to free himself. Letting out a wild roar, Manson charges Casey, leaping into the air and crushing “Livewire” with a high knee to the jaw. Casey slumps to the mat, as Manson pulls back, a grin across his face.


Outside the ring, Jimmy Liston grabs Spike by the neck and pulls him out of the wreckage. Leaving Jenkins standing weakly at ringside, Liston grabs a handful of Chew and tosses it in his mouth. Getting a running start, the Demon wraps his arms around Jenkins’ waist, lifting him into the air and driving him hard into the guardrail.




Judge: HUNT! The Hunt by Jimmy Liston!! That move can break a spine!


Ejiro: We can only hope.


With Spike drained of his energy and using the railing to hold himself up, Liston grapevines each of his opponent’s arms. Whipping back his hair and unleashing a wild scream, The Demon leans back and begins unleashing a wave of head butts to the head of “Hollywood”. After a trio of skull-crushing blows, Jenkins closes his eyes, leaning in and spitting out his gum, splatting it across the face of Liston. The Demon breaks the hold, spitting out his own gum as he works to pry the sticky pink goo off his face.


Annie: Spike uses that gum to block the Bloodlust, and he’s got an opening here to make his move.


The crowd cheers as a groggy Spike steps behind Liston and grabs him in an inverted face-lock. Drawing his thumb across his throat, Jenkins spins down to the concrete, driving Liston’s face into the pile of discarded gum.


Judge: Roll the Joint! Right into that pile of Liston’s own gum!!




Funyon: Ladies and gentlemen…Jimmy “The Demon” Liston…has…been…ELIMINATED!!!




As the crowd roars, and Sexton Hardcastle leaps down to escort Liston from ringside, Spike Jenkins crawls to the railing, leaning up against it to rest and catch his breath.

As Spike takes a breather, Manson and Royal continue to fight in the ring.


Royal throws a chop to stagger Manson, but the bigger man retaliates, spinning around and decking Todd with a roaring elbow. Royal drops to one knee, and Manson steps in, delivering a brutal round-house kick to the face.


Ejiro: OH! Stiff kick by Manson to send Todd to the mat. Manson knows we’re getting down there now, and he has to keep on the attack to win the match.


Staying on top of Todd, Manson grabs a handful of hair and jerks Royal up off the mat again. Shooting the leg and spinning to a standing base again, Manson spins to the ropes, dragging Todd down with him in a Dragon Screw Whip. With Royal down and out on the mat, Manson turns him over, holding onto the leg and leaning back with a half-Boston crab.


Annie: I don’t know what Manson hopes to accomplish with THIS hold. There are no submissions in this match, so even if Royal taps, he won’t win anything.


Ejiro: It’s not about submissions, it’s about wearing Todd down. If Royal can’t walk, he can’t go outside and get gum, and he can’t win the match.


Judge: Except Todd seems to have people chewing gum FOR him.


Ejiro: And THAT is the genius of Royal!!


As Manson leans back into the ropes, wrenching in the crab, Landon Maddix sneaks around the ring. Reaching in his towel again, “La Cucaracha” pulls out a second pair of handcuffs, snapping them on Manson’s wrist and hooking him to the ropes across from Sean Casey. An incensed Manson releases the hold and spins around, glaring at Maddix as Casey laughs from across the ring.


Annie: Gimme a break! ANOTHER pair of handcuffs from Landon Maddix, and he’s disabled another of Royal’s opponents.


Judge: And with Spike nearly out himself at ringside, this might be it. All Royal needs to do is get the gum, and he could win the match right now.


Thinking the same thing as Hearford, Royal crawls out of Manson’s reach and rolls out of the ring. Beckoning his followers to his side, Todd laughs as he approaches Spike. Reaching down and grabbing Jenkins by the hair, Royal asks for some gum from Megan.


As Skye retrieves her pre-chewed gum, Spike suddenly snaps to life. Kicking the Chew out of Megan’s hand, Hollywood spins around, tossing Todd to the concrete with a belly-to-belly suplex. Landon Maddix makes a move to take Spike down, but Jenkins spins around, hitting an enzuigiri to take “La Cucaracha” down.




Annie: The crowd cheering Spike on, as he takes on the whole House of Todd singlehandedly!


Ejiro: This guy has been beaten down so many times over the course of his career, you think he’d learn when to SAY DIE!


Far from saying “die”, Jenkins grabs Royal and rolls him under the ropes and into the ring. Grabbing the ropes with both hands, Spike launches himself up and over the top rope, coming down across Todd’s head with a somersault leg drop. With the crowd on their feet and clapping away, Jenkins pumps his fist and kips up again.


Grabbing Todd by the straps and pulling him into the center of the ring, Spike unleashes a stream of obscenities at his opponent. Wrapping his arm around Royal’s neck and arm, Jenkins sweeps back his leg, folding Todd in half and slamming him down with an STO.


Judge: Space Tornado Ogawa by Spike Jenkins!! Royal is down and out on the canvas, and if Spike can get some gum now, he might win the match himself.


Jenkins attempts to leave the ring, but halfway through the ropes, he is stopped by Manson. Still attached to the ropes, but in striking distance of Spike, Manson unleashes a flurry of blows, preventing Jenkins from leaving the ring. Spike begins to fight back, but Manson unleashes a stiff uppercut, sending Jenkins staggering across the ring…and right into the waiting fists of Sean Casey.


Annie: Spike Jenkins being pinballed across the ring by Manson, right into Sean Casey! I don’t know if Spike will be ABLE to get out of the ring!


Spike wearily staggers across the ring, and Sean Casey begins to unload with punches to the head and body. Spike shoves him off, but Livewire fights back, grabbing a headlock and pummeling Jenkins’ head. Spike shoves him off again, but Casey punts him in the chest with a boot to send him staggering away towards Royal.


Judge: And the pinball game continues…




Ejiro:…right into a Superkick by Todd Royal!!!


As a weakened Spike Jenkins staggers back to where he began, Royal shuffles and steps in, blasting Spike with a stiff kick to the jaw. Jenkins drops hard to the mat, as Todd himself drops to his knees.


Annie: Big move, but that has taken something out of Royal as well. When you’re in there with someone you hate, as is the case with Todd and Spike, every move is even MORE draining.


On his knees, Todd Royal pulls his thumb across his throat. Grabbing the right leg of Spike and wrapping it around his own, Todd crosses the limb over Jenkins’ left leg, dropping back into the figure 4.


Judge: Wrath of Todd!! If he can wear Spike down and incapacitate him, this match could be over!


Ejiro: WILL be over!


Royal doesn’t rest in the hold however, inching himself and Jenkins towards the ropes. Spike attempts to battle out of the hold, but Todd continues to work forward, working Jenkins back. Planting his hands on the canvas and shoving off, Royal slides Spike back into the ropes. Immediately, Maddix jumps to action, snapping another pair of handcuffs on Spike.




Annie: Royal’s cronies have just locked his last opponent to the ropes!


Ejiro: It’s all over now but the crying!


Todd breaks the hold and slides into the ring, as Maddix and Megan snap a second pair of handcuffs on each opponent. With the crowd booing loudly, Megan Skye blows a bubble with her gum. Biting the end of the bubble and pulling it from her mouth, Skye places the gum on the face of Sean Casey. Hitting the opposite ropes, Royal charges in with a bootscrape, smearing the gum across the face of “Livewire”


Funyon: Ladies and gentlemen…Sean Casey…has…been…ELIMINATED!!!


Annie: This is a disgusting show of ego by Royal and his lackeys.


Ejiro: I LIKE it.


Sexton Hardcastle tries to free Casey, but without the keys to the cuffs, cannot do much of anything. The crowd continues jeering as Maddix and Skye attach another bubble to the bearded face of Manson. Getting a running start, Todd hits the ropes, leaping up with knee lift that pops the bubble right in the face of Royal’s opponent. As Todd laughs hysterically and Maddix and Skye get more gum, Funyon gets on the mic again.


Funyon: Ladies and gentlemen…Manson…has…ELIMINATED!!!


With all but one opponent eliminated, Royal shoots a huge scowl at Spike Jenkins. Jenkins snarls back, turning Todd’s face into a grin. Summoning Maddix and Skye into the ring, and grabbing a packet of gum himself, Royal stands over his fallen opponent. Spike valiantly kicks at his opponent, but with Royal’s partners holding him down, he is unable to do any damage.


Todd points at Landon, who smiles before leaning back and spitting a huge wad of gum at Spike. Spike recoils, and the crowd boos, but Megan immediately follows up with a shot of her own, covering 75% of Jenkins face in gum. The audience in the Gund begins throwing objects in the ring, as Royal leans back, unloading a mass of spit and gum into Jenkins face.


Annie: That’s DISGUSTING.


Funyon: Ladies and gentlemen…Spike Jenkins…has…been…ELIMINATED!! The winner of this match…TODD ROYAL!!




Boos rain down on the ring, along with sodas and hotdogs, as “Shoot to Thrill” hits the ring again and Royal, Maddix and Skye slide out of the ring. Sexton Hardcastle follows, begging for the handcuff key, as Todd just smiles and flips him off- drawing even more boos.


Ejiro: We’re almost out of time here on the final Crimson, and Todd Royal has proven to Spike Jenkins, Manson, Sean Casey and everyone else, why he is our Todd and Savior!!


Annie: All he proved to me is that he’s a disgusting human being. This is our last episode of Crimson. A show that has seen World Title changes, European Title changes, Television title changes. A show where legends have been made. And the last scene in Crimson history is three men, lying humiliated in that SJL ring, while THOSE 3 celebrate. Screw Todd Royal.


As the ring crew rush the ring to unscrew the turnbuckles to free the ropes, and the men handcuffed to them, the camera pans one last time to the entrance way. As the Judge signs off for the last time for Crimson, the camera shows Megan Skye, Landon Maddix and Todd Royal laughing hysterically.



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“And that’s it for Crimson,” says Judge William Hearford. “We had an exciting night, but we’ll be back with the last SJL show of all time next week!”


“Goodnight, folks!” says Ejiro Fasaki, already putting on weight in his retirement.


“Yeah! See ya later, you bunch of boobs!” shouts Ann Onita. “… mmm, boobs.”



SJL Crimson, January 22, 2004.

© Stretched Dachsund Productions. All rights reserved.

The Smarks Junior League: “Forcing otherwise-talented wrestlers to work ‘Chicago-Style’ for the penultimate time.”

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