SWF Storm (April 13, 2002)

April 14, 2002

BOOM!

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

An explosive wall of pyro signals our arrival in Montgomery, Alabama, where the Garret Center is just about to embark and a delightful Journey into Imagination! But there’s no Figment here, no Epcot or Enchanted Tram of Materialism: there’s only a roaring crowd and the promise of huge heaps of hi-fi wrestling hijinx! It’s the Smarks Wrestling Federation, it’s Friday night, and that can mean only one thing!

“Watch out--there’s a hurricane comin’ through!”

“…NTD, the show’s named Storm.”

“Your point being?”

“…riiiiiiiiight. Uh, hidey-ho folks, and welcome to another jam-packed edition of SWF Storm! I’m Curry Man, this is NTD…”

“And this is my friend, Ed Harris!” shouts NTD, gesturing to his right. There’s no one there, much less Ed Harris.

“…uh…NTD…do you need some more Vicoden?”

“Yessir!”

Curry sighs, and with the careful press-and-twist of a child-safe prescription bottle and a flick of the wrist, he flips a pill towards NTD, who snags it in his mouth, says “Mmm,” and looks somewhat like a dog just stated with a biscuit. “Now that NTD’s complacent and sated by the power of prescription drugs,” continues Curry, “let’s run-down our line-up for tonight! We’ve got an amazing show, punctuated by three big championship matches: a Hardcore Gamer’s Title defense, a third meeting of K-Os and Jay Dawg over the US Title, El Luchadore Magnifico facing two terrifying ladies in Mistress Sarah and Lady Red for the Light Heavyweight belt, and that’s just getting started! Our World Heavyweight Champion, the dastardly HVille Thugg is slated to go up against the eminent Clansman Thoth, and--”

“Midnight Carnival…”

The bold sentiments of a hushed female voice cut Curry off, and the crowd rises to its feet with roars and cheers and one thing on their mind: the arrival of the longest-lasting face stable in IGN/SWF history, the Midnight Carnival! “And it’s about time to get things started, and in the Carnival’s own special way!” says Curry. The arena lights fade out as the opening beats of “Love Rollercoaster” bump through the arena, the SWFTron flashing blazing white in time with beats and providing the sole source of illumination throughout the arena!

“Blarg!” snaps NTD. “Not even my precious painkillers can dull my hatred for these stupid goofs! I hate Carnies! I wish Sacred had taken their music for good!”

“But as we saw Monday night on Smarkdown, NTD, Edwin MacPhisto was able to defeat Sacred in an intense ladder match to win back the Carnival’s special tune, but not without some serious bumps and bruises sustained to his person!” The guitar part of “Love Rollercoaster” drops in and three blue laser lights shoot out from the same point at the middle of the entrance ramp, beginning to trace their way across the crowd in smooth, looping patterns as the crowd grows even more excited. “We also saw Deputy Commissioner Johnny Rotten join the Carnival on Smarkdown,” continues Curry, “and tonight we’ll see him in his first Carniefied match against Sacred and Perfect Bo from Da Pound! But for now—it’s time to sit back and watch the Carnival put on a show!”

As the words “Rollercoaster of love” drop for the very first time, the laser lights flare out into a blue haze, revealing four silhouettes at the top of the ramp to a massive ovation: one broad tall figure, a tall, slim man, an even taller slim man, and a feisty, plucky Mexican barely holding himself back from submitting to the beat!

“Making their way to the ring, weighing in at…uh…a lot of pounds, they’re fun, they’re flashy, and they’re your favorites: The MIDNIGHT CAAAARNIVAL!”

“YOUR LOVE IS LIKE A ROLLERCOASTER BABY BABY, I WANNA RIDE IT ALL – NIGHT – LONG!” The refrain falls in and the arena plummets back into darkness as a huge wall of purple strobe lights erupts, illuminating Grand Slam Mark Stevens with his trademark MVP jersey, Edwin MacPhisto with his ICTV belt, Johnny Rotten with his deputy star, and El Luchadore Magnifico with his Light Heavyweight belt in flashy, staccato bursts! Blue laser lights swirl wildly and classic maneuvers from the Carnival’s members appear on the SWFTron, now new and improved with Johnny Rotten crotch-kicking goodness! “Listen to the ovation for these guys!” cries Curry, surveying the ecstatic fans. “It never ceases to amaze me how much the fans love ‘em…” The Carnival begins to strut down the ramp, slapping hands with fans along the way and hitting the ring like four court jesters, each man taking to a turnbuckle and posing for the crowd! Stevens and Edwin sling their cap and sunglasses into the crowd respectively, Magnifico backflips off the top rope, and Rotten shows off his new shirt, with crayon scribblings and Carnival revisions to his standard “I Is Anarchy!” wear! The Carnies soak up the crowd support, Rotten grinning as he becomes a part of the ovation for the first time, and then the four descend from their spots and lean against the ropes, all except for Edwin, who produces an ever present microphone and takes stage in the center of the ring! As the lights come on, we see that Edwin is in a soft neck brace—nothing drastic, but evidently something.

“Too bad Sacred and Bo didn’t break Edwin’s neck outright on Smarkdown!” snaps NTD. “Would have done us a lot of good…maybe they could have, you know, eaten his voice box or something while they were at it…”

“Edwin took some nasty bumps off that ladder, particularly on his neck, but I don’t think it’s going to stop him from talking!” Curry’s right—heeeeeere’s Edwin!

“Sweet Home Alabama—lord, the Carnival’s coming home to you!” Edwin’s clever reference garners a good cheap pop, and the Mac Daddy speaks on, rubbing at his neck with his free hand. “The Carnival is in the house tonight, and we’ve got a bloody wonderful show planned for you! Tonight you’ll Johnny Rotten put some ‘dawgs’ back in the pound! Tonight you’ll see El Luchador Magnifico wrestle two ladies--” Edwin pauses and turns to Magnifico, who grins widely and gives two very, very enthusiastic thumbs up, drawing a laugh from the crowd. “—and you’ll see my good friend and partner in all things prankish take on Fallout, giving him a sound and thorough walloping that has not been seen since the days of yore, when eagles dared and when I clobberified Sacred and won back the Carnival’s tune, that which is rightly ours!” The crowd roars wildly for this statement of the obvious, because obvious things are totally sweet.

“What you may not have known until now, however, dear fans,” continues Edwin, “is that I did sustain some ‘battle damage,’ if you will, defending ours and your honor against the devious bowl-master, Sacred—let me tell you firsthand, there’s only one thing worse than free-falling 20 feet and landing on your neck, and that’s doing it two bloody times in one bloody night! Fortunately, Commissioner McWeed--”

“BOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

“I said, Commissioner McWeed--”

“BOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

“Hey, this is fun!”

“BOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

“…okay, you can stop now.”

“RAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

“…we have weird crowds, Curry.”

“Yeah, I was just thinking that, Nathaniel.” In the ring, Edwin continues his state-of-the-Carnival address. “As I was saying, Commissioner McWeed was ‘kind’ enough to give me the night enough to give my battered neck a rest, and if all goes well I’ll be taking a break on Smarkdown too—no sense battling a warhorse when you yourself have become a gimpy donkey neck, eh? Fortunately, Stubby was easy enough to persuade, seeing as I got to him before his office was…how shall I say…re-seeded?” The crowd roars again, remembering the homemade baseball diamond and Pitching Machine of Infinite Justice installed “mysteriously” this week into the Commish’s office. Edwin looks at Stevens, who whistles innocently and looks down at his shuffling feet, barely containing a mile-wide grin. “We’re terribly sorry, Stubby, but until you’re a little more receptive to our needs, no one is safe from the neverending party!”

“I never really understood how practical jokes took out the enemy,” ponders NTD.

“Psychological warfare, my friend,” replies Curry. “When you’re out there in the ring thinking about how all your underwear suddenly has ‘PANDA MADNESS’ etched into it in cuneiform, it’s easy to slip up and give your Carnie opponent an edge in battle!”

“However, we come out here not just to prattle and babble, as much as I like to do that,” says Edwin, returning to form. “We come out here to welcome another man into the long and storied tradition of our festivities! Midnight sleeps to dream, and with your dreams comes another man, reliable as hell, with a mean boot, and now—with us! I give you…Johnny Rotten!” Edwin gestures and points to Rotten, who flexes ridiculously, then stops and waves sheepishly to the cheering crowd.

“As is custom for all new initiates to the Carnival, it’s now Rotten’s turn to address the crowd,” says Edwin, smirking, “aaand I think good Captain Anarchist has a few interesting surprises for you folks this evening.”

“Surprises?” pipes NTD. “This doesn’t sound good…”

“So,” continues Edwin, “without further adieu, I give you: the man! The myth! The legend! The Crotch-Crushing Wunderkind, the Deputy Commissioner, our newest Carnival cohort and the Undisputed Cranberry Champion of the wooooooooooooooooorld…Johhhhhhnnny Rotten!” The crowd roars, and a light “An-ar-chy! An-ar-chy!” chant rises in the upper decks as Rotten brings the microphone to his lips and raises his hand to quiet the crowd.

“Great,” moans NTD, “another Carnie who likes to talk. This just makes my day. Really. Great. Wonderful. Give me my bottle of vicoden, Curry.”

“NTD, I think you’ve had-”

“I’ll TELL YOU when I’ve had enough, dammit!” Curry and NTD struggle over the bottle of pills, a random hallucination of Ed Harris walks by in a fedora, and Rotten begins to speak!

“Deputy Commissioner Rotten, reporting for duty! Seriously folks, it’s a treat to be out here tonight—and hopefully, many nights in the future—as a member of the most successful face stable in the biz. Why join the Midnight Carnival, you say? Is that even really a valid question? I’ve come back from an extended absence, been routed by a man I once though to be my friend and business partner, and I need a helping hand in holding off his petulant ‘Pound.’ I’ve got some powers to offer to the Carnival, and hell—if there’s one thing we know for sure, it’s that we all have more than enough loathing for the man who’s turning this damn federation into a sideshow, Stubby P. Mc--”

“LIGHTS OUT! GUERRILLA RADIO! TURN THAT SHIT UP!”

As if on cue, Rage Against the Machine’s blaring anthem cuts in, and the crowd fires off a torrent of wild boos as Stubby P. McWeed comes tearing out of the entrance curtain, a microphone in his hand and a big angry black man at his heel, world title belt slung over the shoulder of the HVille Thugg! “And here comes Stubby!” shouts Curry. “If this wasn’t interesting enough, we’re well on our way to Interest City, North Interest, USA!”

“Well well,” smirks Rotten, “look what sad sack of a man’s come out to join us tonight! Trying to hold down some order, Stubby? Not liking what you see?”

“Shut the fuck up, Rotten!” snaps Stubby. “I’m gonna make this quick and easy. You see this big lug right next to me? I’m on his side, and he’s on mine, and there’s not a damn thing you can do about it. If you think for a second that your little fun and games are getting through to me at all, you’re out of your fucking heads!” Stubby speaks with passion, but a strained forehead and some beads of sweat belie the commissioner’s true anxiety. “I’m going to stop this bullshit and shut you all up right now. Magnifico, I hope you enjoy getting your ass handed to you by a girl tonight. Stevens, I don’t give three craps if you or Fallout wins tonight as long as you two kick the shit out of each other. Edwin, don’t think I’m doing you and your neck any favors—as a matter of fact, I’m doing just the opposite! You’re gonna defend that ICTV belt of yours on Smarkdown, and I’ve already got an opponent lined up who’s going to tear you and your beaten ass apart!”

“The audacity of McWeed!” cries Curry. “Calling out and talking down to every Carnie, and signing an ICTV title defense for Monday, even with Edwin in the bruised and fragile state he is!”

“It’s about time someone showed them who’s boss!” cackles NTD.

“But most importantly,” continues Stubby, still getting massive crowd heat, “I’m pissed off at you, Rotten. After I’ve shown you nothing but compassion in helping your dumb ass get back on track in this fed, had Da Pound beat the paste out of you so you can maybe get your senses back, you go and join with these rejects? Like it’s gonna make any difference—you’re all toast!” The HVille Thugg cracks his huge knuckles, and the sound is like lumber breaking in two.

"Ok Stubby,” retorts Rotten, “you've made your point. But I-”

"I'm not finishe-”

"Well boo-hoo, McWeed, that's just too freaking bad."

The crowd lets loose a torrent of "Oooooh!"'s as Stubby fumes. Johnny pauses, a hint of a smirk on his face, while the commish paces on stage.

"He can't treat the commissioner like that!" cries NTD as he rises from his chair! "I've got half a mind to-

"You don't have half a mind and you know it."

NTD shoots Curry a cold look, then sits back down.

"We're on a tight schedule here," Johnny continues, "and no one wants to hear you piss and moan, so why don't you just shut your mouth, and we can get through this quickly and painlessly..."

Johnny takes a few steps forward, then stops, as if he just realized something...

"Well... quickly, anyway..."

"What does THAT mean?!" the pantless one shouts, while shaking his fist.

"I'd like to know myself," replies Curry. "What's he up to?"

Johnny takes a few more steps and ends up leaning on the ropes. He casually brings the mic back up and says "Yes, Stubby, you're the man on top right now. You've got Da Pound to protect you, and an angry black man willing to fight for you... but I've got this." Johnny taps the brightly shining deputy star pinned on his jersey. He gets an anticipation pop from the crowd, but continues quickly.

"I've got the star, Stubby. I might not be as powerful as you, but this star right here gives me the title of "deputy commissioner"... and with that job comes with some pretty nice perks... for example, I have access to the commissioner's office..."

Stubby sneers, remembering the baseball debacle... Mark turns his face away, but it's pretty evident he's holding laughter.

"... I have certain suspension powers..."

Thugg grabs the mic from McWeed and charges forward. "Is that a fuckin’ threat, boy?!?"

Johnny grins, looks at his accuser and plainly says "Yes." The crowd pops again, and Curry quickly slaps his hand over NTD's mouth.

"But most importantly... as the Deputy Commissioner of the Smarks Wrestling Federation, it is one of my duties... to scout and sign talent..." A HUGE cheer from everyone in attendance, and Da Pound's representatives begin to look a little uneasy. Johnny continues, grinning...

"I've been following the career of a certain someone recently, and I think he'd feel right at home here in the SWF... his credentials are impeccable... even you might be impressed, Stubby!"

Johnny now steps back, and the Carnies spread out behind him. After a brief pause...

"He is a former two time IGNWF Tag Team Champion..."

"NTD... NTD, Do you think-"

"He is a former Intercontinental Television Title holder!"

"Curry, please tell me it's not-"

"He was the VERY FIRST WORLD CHAMPION OF THE IGN MINOR LEAGUES!"

The Garret Arena's roof is blown right off, and Rotten is forced to shout into the microphone to keep himself audible!

"LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, RETURNING HOME TO THE MIDNIGHT CARNIVAL... CHRIIIIISSS RAYYYYYNOOORRRR!"

Stubby and Thugg slowly turn to face each other as "Electra Made Me Blind" marks the arrival of the Rayn-Man! They then look to the entryway just as Alexakis screeches "YEA!", and they barely have time to dive out of the way as The Love Rollercoaster shoots out from under the SmarkTron!

"He's back! He's back!" shills Curry, "My God, Chris Raynor is back!"

Thugg and Stubby leap to either side of the entrance, out of the path of danger, as the illegally-modified golf cart shoots past them and down the ramp- but it comes to a stop! Raynor shifts it into reverse and pulls a hairpin turn, then charges back up! Stubby jumps, grabs the bottom of the SmarkTron, and hoists himself up out of harms way as Raynor begins driving circles around Thugg!

"Can you believe it?! Chris Raynor is back!" Curry shouts over the fans, absolutely beside himself, while literally beside himself, NTD pops another few Vicoden, shaking his head in shame!

Thugg looks for a way out, but the Crazed Carnie keeps cutting him off! Finally Raynor has mercy on H-Ville, and he zooms down the ramp at an insane speed! Just as it's about to make a sizeable dent in the ring, he turns on a dime and begins a victory lap around the squared circle! The fans are going absolutely nuts as spark-pyros rise from the turnbuckles and the music rattles windows three blocks away! Raynor comes to a stop and parks the Love Rollercoaster right in front of the announce table! He unbuckles his seatbelt [always be on the safe side, kids!] and leaps onto the apron, where Grand Slam and Edwin hold the ropes open for him on either side!

"NTD, I don't believe it! Chris Ra... NTD?" Curry turns to his partner, who looks like he was just hit with a manatee.

Stubby and Thugg are on there feet, and looking none too pleased about almost being run over. They glare, unflinching, at the gathering in the ring, as the Midnight Carnival once again reaches the magic number five! Raynor steps through the ropes and charges the nearest turbuckle, leaping onto the ropes and saluting the fans!

"NTD... NTD, wake up... NT-" Curry tries in vain to snap the Pantless Wonder out of his daze, but to no avail. "... well, my partner seems to be out of it... oh hell, who cares! We're better off without him! Chris Raynor has come back to The Midnight Carnival! Chris Raynor has come back home!"

Chris remains on the turnbuckle, soaking in every single camera flash, poster board, and screaming fan, and "Electra Made Me Blind" is forced to start all over again! Past the opening riff, past Art's scream, and into the first verse, Raynor stays on his perch, while his fellow Carnies look on with broad smiles. Eventually he turns to face his friends, and catches the microphone pitched by Rotten. As the music begins to fade, he steps down to the canvas, raises the mic, and utters his returning words...

"GOD DAMN, that felt good!"

The enormous fan reaction cuts him off, and a camera takes this time to quickly zoom in on the Stables Title, welded to the hood of the Love Rollercoaster.

"Four months," Curry informs us, "four months after being robbed of his career, and he's back!"

A barely audible "SMASH! SMASH! SMASH!" chant emanates from section 119, but it doesn't last long. Raynor is poised to speak again, and the crowd settles down a bit.

"Four months ago," he begins, "at 'The IGNWF No-Sells Christmas', I lost against the Suicide King... I lost the match... I lost my career in the IGNWF..." He pauses, then adds "I even lost my family...", looking at the Carnival. "I lost damn near everything... and then the SWF... well... I guess what I'm trying to get at here is, THANK YOU IGN!"

"Thank you... IGN?" Curry ponders.

"Thank you, IGN! Thank you very very much!" Raynor continues. "Without your total lack of business ethics, the SWF would never have been born... and I never would have been able to no-sell losing my job!" He waits for the crowd to quiet down, and now his tone is a little more serious. "Once this new company was formed, I was faced with a tough decision... I could honor my promise, honor my word, and not come back... and I am always, and have always been, a man of my word..."

He goes on, with a very solemn look... "Or I could compromise my integrity, my dignity, and my respect, by throwing everything that I had agreed to away... by not morally or ethically honoring the promise I made..."

Raynor looks down at the mat, masking his pain... no, no wait... he's masking his all-too-familiar goofy smile. "But come on, really. Hanging out with these guys compromises those things anyway." Edwin hits an imaginary rimshot.

"Besides, you guys aren't gonna hold this against me, are you?"

A resounding "NO!" from the fans!

"Right! A little while after the SWF was formed, I packed my bags and had a meeting with the Deputy Comissioner... and I got myself a brand new contract - one that I WON'T be putting on the line any time soon."

Another joyous outburst from the audience! Raynor straightens up and heads to the ropes, facing the disgruntled Pound members onstage.

"And now I'm back. I'm back, and I-

"For God's sake, spare us!" Stubby snaps, drawing heat from all directions. "Nobody cares about you! Least of all Da Pound! We cou-

Raynor raises his right arm and gives a big thumbs up.

"WHO LET THE DOGS OUT? WHOO! WHOO! WHOO WHOO!"

The Baja Men's popular hit single strikes a nerve on Stubby, and he quickly drops the mic and cringes! The song immediately cuts off after one line, and Raynor says "Don't interrupt me, or next time it won't stop."

"Raynor is pulling out all the stops tonight, and NTD is still a vegetable!" crows the Curry-man, with evident delight in his voice!

"Now," Raynor goes on, "before I was so rudely interrupted... where was I... Oh, right. I'm back." He grins a wide grin. "I'm back, and I'm not going anywhere for a long... long time."

With that, he tosses the mic behind his back to Eddy Mac, who quickly scoops it up and shouts "Ladies and gentlemen, step right up and get your tickets—the Midnight Carnival is born again, hallelujah, praise allah, thank you Jesus, so: all aboooooooooard the Loooooooooove Rollercoooooooooaster!"

The Carnival Anthem "Love Rollercoaster" kicks up, and everyone in the Garret Coliseum is on their feet!

"Rollah-coastah! Of lo-o-ove! Rollah-

"CUT THAT DAMN MUSIC!" McWeed screams, absolutely livid. "CUT IT, GOD DAMNIT! CUT I-"

"WHO LET THE DOGS OUT? WHOO! WHOO! WHOO WHOO!"

Again the mind-numbingly painful music, and this time it doesn't stop! Stubby hurls his mic to the ground and covers his ears, and Thugg quickly follows suit!

"The Midnight Carnival regains a lost member in Chris Raynor!" shills the spicy one! "It looks like the tides have turned on Da Pound!"

The camera catches Stubby and Thugg retreating under the Tron, most likely on their way to fire a certain sound guy. It then pans back to the ring, where a huge celebration is taking place, Midnight Carnival style! "Love Rollercoaster" has returned, and with it have come Edwin's killer dancing! Lights of every kind shimmer and shine on the action inside the ring! Magnifico begins leading the fans in song, and Mark is unwillingly dragged into dance by the exuberant Mac Daddy! Rotten and Raynor stand side by side, their smiles a mile wide...

"The Carnival has already taken it to the Pound, and we're only just beginning!" The joy in Curry's voice is clear as he continues, "We've got Mark Stevens vs Fallout, H-Ville Thugg against Thoth, and a whole lot more action coming your way! Stay tuned!"

April 14, 2002

TRIPLE THREAT MATCH

Perfect Bo vs. Johnny Rotten vs. Sacred

- On Smarkdown Perfect Bo attacked Edwin and tried to cost him the ICTV title in his match against Sacred. Bo and Sacred teamed up on Edwin, but Rotten made the save and apparently joined the Carnival! Stubby booked this match hoping it would turn into a two on one against Rotten, but there’s also plenty of history between Bo and Sacred…

HARDCORE TITLE MATCH

Longdogger Pete © vs. The Prophet

- Longdogger survived Mistress Sarah in a cage and even though he’s still barely recovered from that match, he takes on the wily Prophet this Friday!

NON-TITLE SINGLES MATCH

Hville Thugg vs. Thoth

- It’s war between da Pound and the Clan and on last weeks Storm Thoth laid Thugg out with a steel chair after losing to him and Sacred in a tag match. Thugg plans to beat some respect into the former ICTV champion this Friday.

3-WAY ELIMINATION MATCH FOR THE LIGHT-HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE

El Luchadore Magnifico © vs. Mistress Sarah vs. Lady Red

- Sarah and Lady Red’s LHW #1 contendership match was rudely interrupted by a large sea mammal on Smarkdown, and the result of that match (Lady Red winning) has been tossed out. Instead both Mistress Sarah and Lady Red get a shot at the LHW champ on Storm!

Match Description – DQ and count-out rules are in effect. Once someone is eliminated via pinfall, submission or knockout they must leave ringside and the bout continues. The last surviving wrestler is the winner.

NO-DQ US TITLE MATCH

Jay Dawg © vs. K-Os

- Much to almost everyone’s surprise, eternal jobber Jay Dawg managed to defeat the promising rookie K-Os, to regain the US title on last week’s Storm. Now K-Os gets his rematch.

Match Description – Regular DQ and count-out rules are not in effect. Submissions, pinalls and knockouts only count within the ring.

SINGLES MATCH

Mark Stevens vs. Fallout

- Many people believe (and rightfully so) that Mark Stevens was screwed out of a third heavyweight title reign on Battleground. Despite that, Fallout is now the new #1 contender as he managed to beat Steven’s friend El Luchadore Magnifico on the same show. Stevens challenged Fallout to this match to test his skills against the next man scheduled to fight Thugg for the title.

April 14, 2002

“The crowd here is electric, and rightfully so! The night has just begun, and it promises to be a huge one!” Curry Man roars, sure in his mind that it will indeed be a big night for the SWF.

His colourful cohort NTD is equally as excited, as we see by the smile on his face and the spark in his voice. “Man, some big match-ups tonight, and I for one cannot wait for the Main Event! Two veterans of the SWF face off, one a former champion in Mark Stevens, and a potential champion in Fallout! And smiling this much is starting to hurt!”

“And we kick off tonight with a match up with three men who are no strangers to each other. Including two men we haven’t seen for a long time, Johnny Rotten and Perfect Bo! And from what we’ve seen from last week, they won’t be going easy on each other, that’s for damn sure.”

“Perfect Bo is the f*cking man! I’m so f*cking glad he is f*cking back! I love f*cking swearing like Bo!” NTD says, still grinning like an idiot.

“Aren’t you forgetting Rotten NT – “

“Yep, Perfect Bo should have a shot at the title tonight! That’s how f*cking great he is! I f*cking love him!”

Curry coughs, motioning the camera to pull of NTD as he continues to ramble on. “Ahem, yes well, there will be no holding back as Perfect Bo, who triumphantly returned to Da Pound, takes on Rotten, who surprised everyone by joining the Midnight Carnival! But of course, the third man in this little tete-a-tete is Sacred, who continues to be as evil as ever, and he will not be in a good mood after yet again losing to Edwin MacPhist – “

Suddenly, as if on cue, the picture starts to scramble, as Sacred’s face flashes on the screen in a freaky sight. The picture turns black and white, as “Seasons in the Abyss” by Slayer kicks up, and the camera zooms in on the entranceway, as an eerie mist settles over.

NTD jokes with his partner, “Looks like someone isn’t happy with you Curry.”

‘Well to be quite frank, Sacred choked, two times in a row. He’ll never get another opportunity like that again, I’d be pissed if I we’re him.”

“Ooh, you better watch out Curry Man, Sacred might be gunning for you!” NTD says, almost hoping Sacred does start something.

The man in question, the self-proclaimed “Most evil man in the SWF” walks through the mist with his head hunched over. The fans don’t give him a welcoming reception, most taunting him as he slowly walks down the ramp, his eyes not veering anywhere but to the ramp. Sacred reaches the squared circle and slides in, suddenly jumping to his feet and looking to the sky, as if preparing himself, in his own evil way.

Funyon, who has waited patiently in the ring, listening to the crowd’s roars, finally gets to roar himself, “The following match is a triple threat match, and it is scheduled for one fall. Introducing first, from Adelaide Australia, standing at six foot one inches and weighing approximately two hundred and thirty one pounds, he is a member of Da Pound and the self proclaimed most evil man in the SWF… he is, SAAAAACRREEEEED!”

As Funyon finishes, Sacred suddenly turns his head in utter horror as “Rollercoaster of Love” blares through the speakers! The fans leap to their collective feet and cheer wildly as none other than the ex co-commissioner of the SWF steps out to meet his adoring fans!

“Oh no…” NTD says, shaking his head. “If Rotten wanted a little psychological leverage in this match, he’s got in now! Sacred looks absolutely horrified!”

Rotten nods his head, shouting the name of the Midnight Carnival as he saunters down the ramp. In the ring, Sacred has collapsed on one knee, one hand on his forehead as his whole body violently shakes. The referee comes over to check on him, but Sacred pushes his away, his eyes stare at Rotten, a look of bloodlust as he hears the fans roar for ol’ Johnny.

“Making his way to the ring, from Indianapolis Indiana, standing at six foot eight and weighing two hundred and sixty pounds, he is a member of the MIDNIGHT CARNIVAL! He… is… JOOOOOOHHHHNNNYYYY ROTTTTTEEEENNN!!”

“Sacred’s having a mental breakdown! He doesn’t look right at all…” NTD says, a worried look on his face.

Curry replies, “Rotten scored a victory over one Da Pound member last week in Jay Dawg, this week he has the opportunity to beat two of them! Let’s take a look back at how Rotten joined up with the zany Carnival.”

Shots from last week show Edwin MacPhisto, dangling from a great height, and then falling with his ICTV title in his hands, but then Bo and Sacred start to beat down in a shameless act. But Rotten appears in the ring, and he takes control, slamming a steel chair over Bo’s head, and swings it into Sacred’s chest! The montage finishes with Rotten asking for the Carnival’s music to be played instead of his own, as he and Edwin exit in glory!

We return to the arena, and Rotten is already in the ring, smiling as Sacred staggers back onto his feet, tears almost coming from his eyes. But Rotten’s smile soon fades, as “Keep it Thoro” by Prodigy hits as the SmarkTron comes to life showing the word “BO” with some of his old clips of victories and triumphs. The Perfect one comes out immediately, to a chorus of jeers from the crowd, but he don’t give a sh*t, instead, his face looks even more determined with every boo he hears.

Funyon gets on the mic, “And finally, from The Bronx, in New Yawk City, standing at six foot six, and weighing two hundred and eighty five pounds, he is a member of Da Pound, a former New York champion… he is PEEEERRRRFEEECTTT BOOOOOO!”

“Bo won’t stop until he hurts someone tonight, and preferably Johnny Rotten! A chair shot to the head isn’t something you forget to easily…” NTD comments.

“You’re right NTD, Bo will not stop until he hurts someone, but it’ll be interesting to see how he and Sacred get along. There’s been a storied past between these two, and neither of them will have forgot the pain they caused each other.”

“Bah!” NTD retorts in a huff. “Da Pound is a team! No petty differences can get in their way!”

“I wouldn’t say petty NTD, these two tried to literally kill each other, and now there on the same side. It’ll be interesting, whatever happens…”

Bo reaches the ring in record time and slides in. He gets back onto his feet and turns around, stepping up onto the second turnbuckle, raising his arms and shouting to the crowd, and they shout back. Bo wins the battle of words though, with his prolific use of profanity. Bo turns his head and stares at Sacred and Rotten, who gaze up at the monster in front of them. Bo steps down, and each man takes a corner and waits, as the referee calls for the bell.

“Ding, Ding, Ding!”

As the fans erupt in cheers, NTD remarks, “This will be an interesting minute, to say the least.”

Every man in the ring looks at each other, wondering who will make the first move. The fans in the crowd start to chant “Car–Ni-Val! Car –Ni–Val!” This infuriates both Bo and Sacred, who look across at each other and nod. Rotten senses that something is up, and stands ready to fight. Sacred lunges forward and grapples hold of Rotten, trying to win a battle of strength, but Rotten easily shakes his off, throwing him into the turnbuckle. Rotten is about to unleash hell upon Sacred, but Bo takes charge, coming over and kicking Rotten in the gut. Bo fires some straight right hands into Rotten’s temple, stunning him, and sending him backward into the turnbuckle. Sacred is fired up now, and Bo can see that. Sacred charges across the ring, and Bo helps him along, throwing him across the ring using his momentum, and Sacred hits a big splash on Rotten in the corner. Sacred grabs Rotten by the scruff of the hair and sends him toward Bo, who lifts his giant leg and his boot hits Rotten on the jaw, knocking him straight to the mat.

“Bo and Sacred found something they have in common… hatred for the carnival. And Rotten is being owned by Da Pound right now!” NTD says happily.

“But how long will this fragile peace last between Bo and Sacred? One false move and they will be at each others throats, mark my words.” Curry coldly remarks.

Rotten struggles onto his feet, as Bo rears back ready to thump him with a right hand, but Rotten blocks it! The crowd suddenly erupts as Rotten fires right hand after right hand, knocking Bo towards the ropes. Johnny steps back, ready to clothesline the Perfect One over the top rope, but as he does Sacred grabs underneath each of his arms. Bo growls and unleashes his fury with his fists, slamming Rotten in the face.

But again, the valiant Rotten fight on, kicking Sacred in the groin with a mule kick of sorts! Sacred clutches the extremely sore area, as Bo fires in another punch, but Rotten ducks under it and grabs hold of Bo’s neck with a tight sleeper hold. Rotten uses all the power he can muster to lift the large Thugg off his feet and into the air, slamming him onto the mat! “Rotten Uranage!” Curry cries. In any other situation, anyone else would try for a pin, but not our Rotten. Instead, he lifts Bo onto his feet. Rotten grabs Bo around his wrist and tries to whip him, but Bo reverses it, whipping Rotten right into a flying forearm from Sacred! Bo manages to laugh as he kneels down in front of Rotten, lifting his head and bringing his arm back, driving his knuckles straight into Rotten’s forehead. This infuriates the crowd, but Bo is relentless as he punishes the new Carnival member. Sacred circles over the two like a shark, watching on in silence.

Curry is not so silent, “This is sick! This is just pure punishment! Rotten can try his hardest, but at the end of the day, it’s two on one, and the odds aren’t good! Look at Bo’s face right now, he loves this… it’s just sick.”

“Bo won’t go easy until he makes Johnny Rotten feel pain, and I’m sure Stubby had a few words to Sacred and Bo before the match, giving them some… advice.”

“Probably a license to do anything they want more like it NTD. Stubby wants to make an example of Rotten, and he’ll have Bo and Sacred do his bidding.”

Bo finally ceases his attack, and lifts Rotten onto his feet. The dazed Rotten is flung across the ring, into the turnbuckle. It’s Sacred’s turn to continue the onslaught as he charges at Rotten, but all he gets is a boot to the face! Sacred stumbles backward, and Rotten quickly takes advantage of the situation, clotheslining Sacred over the top rope! Rotten turns around and blocks a right hand from the other Da Pound member, and firing back with one of his own! Rotten whips Bo into the turnbuckle, and follows him in, driving his knee into the Perfect One’s now not so perfect rib cage. Bo clutches his stomach as Rotten receives a round of applause, and he acknowledges that, smiling and nodding his head. Rotten grabs Bo by the head and slams his head against the turnbuckle!

“One!” The fans shout…

“Two!”

“Three!”

“Four!”

“Five!” The crowd are enjoying the spectacle, as Curry yells, “Rotten is fired up, and doesn’t care about the odds!”

“Six!”

“Seven!” On the outside, Sacred has gotten onto his feet, but took quite a nasty fall.

“Eight!”

“Nine!”

“Ten!” Bo stumbles backward after the tenth and final shot, the hardest of them all. Rotten charges toward Bo again, but this time, the Perfect One counters, ducking down and picking Johnny up as if he we’re attempting a cross body. The crowd cannot be but impressed by Bo’s upper body strength, something he has worked on since he left last. Bo slams Rotten’s midsection down right across his knee! The crowd ‘Ooh!” and “Aah!” As Bo lifts Rotten up, and summons up all his strength, throwing him over his head with a Fallaway slam! Bo quickly crawls over and pins Rotten’s shoulders to the mat! The ref slides over…

O N E!

T W - But Sacred strolls by and places Rotten’s foot on the ropes with Bo’s head turned! The ref is about to count again when he spots Rotten’s foot on the ropes and stops the count! Bo looks around, but by now Sacred has fled the scene of the crime! Bo has no time to wonder how, instead he lifts Rotten onto his two feet.

“Evil trick by Sacred!” Curry yells. “He’s lucky Bo didn’t see that though, or he would be in for it!”

Sacred climbs up onto the ring apron, and then onto the top rope, as Bo locks on a front face lock and DDT’s Rotten to the canvas! Bo gets up once again and hits another DDT! Rotten is lined up perfectly for Sacred, and the evil one leaps off the ropes and spears his elbow into Rotten’s heart! The crowd boo as Sacred hooks Rotten by the leg. Bo shakes his head as the ref cunts…

O N E

T W - But Bo stops the count, as Sacred did, just not as subtle, pulling Sacred off by his leg. Sacred gets onto his feet and looks up at the behemoth in front of him, staring him down. The fans roar, wanting a fight, but Sacred turns his back to Bo, not looking to get in a fight, but Bo thumps him in the back of the head with a hard forearm! The fans cheer, no for Bo, but for the civil disorder that has broke out. Sacred turns around but gets a right hand from Bo. The perfect one has no remorse in taking out his own teammate, if it means being victorious. Rotten, who has taken a fair bit of punishment, manages to struggle onto his feet. Bo lifts Sacred up onto the top turnbuckle, and is about to climb up with him, but Rotten rushes over, grabs hold of his waist and heaves Bo over his head, slamming him down on the back of his neck with a German Suplex!

“Rotten fights on! Anarchy in the UK!” Curry yells in encouragement.

“Uh, yeah, right Curry. Bo and Sacred are just… you know… getting reacquainted with each other. It may look a little harsh to the casual observer…”

“Harsh!? Bo and Sacred are going at it full bore! I knew this time would come! Wasn’t I right?!” Curry asks excitingly. NTD just groans as Curry sits there with a huge smile on his face.

Rotten doesn’t go for the pin again, but gets back onto his feet, ready to pick Bo up, but Sacred quickly leaps off the top rope and hits Rotten with a flying Harlem side kick! Rotten is knocked backward for a second, but keeps his feet. Sacred gets up and charges at him, his head down, may well be looking for the Kamikaze! But Rotten leapfrogs over the top of him, and Sacred keeps on going, slamming his head on the middle turnbuckle pad! Sacred slumps into the turnbuckle, as Rotten runs toward him, leaping into the air and nailing him in the spine with a knee! Rotten uses the ropes as leverage as he digs into Sacred’s back with his knee, but the ref don’t like this much, and warns Rotten of a Disqualification, but Rotten don’t care! Rotten continues his punishment, but his momentary dominance is stopped by Bo, as he grabs him by the shoulder and turns him around. Bo pushes Rotten into the air with a flapjack, and as Rotten comes plummeting back to earth, Bo punches him in the face! This pisses the fans off considerably, as Rotten rolls around on the mat, holding his jaw, while Sacred manages to get up.

Bo grins as the fans jeer, but Bo loves it, it just feeds him. But while Bo is distracted, Sacred sneaks up behind him, and when he turns around, Sacred ducks under his arm and lifts him into the air, not too far, but he does, and he slams him to the canvas! “Spanish Inquisition!” NTD yells. “Sacred could beat Bo right here!” Curry replies. Sacred takes some time to rest, before pushing Bo’s shoulders into the mat, pinning him down…

O N E!

T W O!

T H - But Bo kicks out! Sacred realizes what sort of trouble he’s in when Bo comes around.

“He almost had it, but quite!” NTD yells. “Bo is gonna be mad when he comes too!”

“Some hostility between Bo and Sacred still remains, this does not bode well for Da Pound…” Curry replies.

Rotten stumbles around, still holding onto his jaw. Sacred lazily walks over and hits him with a few forearms, before whipping him into the ropes. Sacred leans on one knee, and then leaps into the air, trying for a Harlem Side kick, but Rotten ducks it. Johnny bounces off the opposite ropes, flooring Sacred with a clothesline! Sacred hits the mat, but bounces back to his feet. Sacred swings his arm wildly with a clothesline, but Rotten ducks it, quickly whirls around, grabs underneath Sacred’s arms and lifts him into the air. As Rotten keeps Sacred dangling, the fans roar, ready to see the… Rotten Mistake! Sacred hits the canvas, and rolls around in pain afterwards.

“Ooh, landing like that cannot be good…” Curry says while grimacing.

“Good for Rotten though, but the question is, will he try to pin, or go for the Shattered Dreams!”

“Knowing Rotten, he’ll try and end this in a DQ, because, well, that’s Rotten for you!” Curry replies.

Rotten gets that look in his eye, he wants to end this with a bang. Rotten lifts Sacred to his feet and forces him over the corner, lifting one leg up onto the second rope, and the other one across from that. The fans cheer louder with every move Rotten makes, and he Carnival member steps back about ten paces, and then runs towards a prone Sacred….

But not so prone that he can’t put his hands on the top rope and push himself up! Rotten kicks nothing but turnbuckle pad, and is angered he did so. Bo climbs onto his feet, and then walks over to Rotten, who remains unaware of his presence. Rotten turns around just as Bo grabs his head over his shoulder, in setup for the Perfect Pain! The fans all stand as Bo drabs Rotten down and slams his face into the canvas! Bo takes a little time to recover, before climbing on top of Rotten, making the pin that may well have him the match!

O N E!

T W O! Sacred stands on the op rope and looks down.

T H R E – But just as the referee brings his hand down, Sacred hits a leg drop across the back of Bo’s head!

“Oh no!” NTD yells out. “Bo had this match won! He could have had a fairy tale return, but Sacred has other ideas! So eeevil!”

The fans are relived and glad, as Sacred gets to his feet, along with Rotten. Sacred waits patiently as Rotten comes toward him. Sacred rams a foot into Rotten’s stomach, doubling him over, and then Sacred locks on a front face lock! The fans all stand up as Sacred grabs Rotten’s right arm ready for the Cruel Fate! But Bo gets to his feet as he watches Sacred prepare. Bo is so f*cking pissed right now it’s not funny, and Sacred knows that, as he looks on in horror. Bo charges across the ring and WHAM! Connects with a Big Boot wit the face, sending Sacred out of the ring!

“Rotten could have been finished by now, if it we’re not for Bo and Sacred’s determination to not let the other win!” Curry exclaims.

Rotten stays on his feet, as Bo quickly grabs him by the head for another Perfect Pain! But Rotten manages to reverse it, twisting around, and then kicking Bo in the stomach. Rotten quickly shoves Bo’s head between his legs and lifts the big man up over his head! Rotten pushes Bo’s arms out in the shape of a cross, before spiking him in onto the mat! The crowd go wild as Rotten struggles onto his feet, still not pinning.

“Rotten just won’t give up, and with the unrest between Sacred and Bo, he could squeeze out a victory!”

Rotten whips Bo across the ring and into the corner. The Fans rise once more as Rotten prepares Bo for a fate worse than death, bringing each of his legs over the second rope. Sacred looks into the ring, and watches Rotten smile, lining Bo up in his sights. Sacred storms over and grabs a chair from a attendant at ringside.

Rotten charges across the ring, as Sacred jumps onto the ring apron next to Perfect Bo, Sacred swings the steel chair and WHACK! Rotten is dropped like a stone, and the referee calls for the bell!

“I thought Rotten would end this in a disqualification, but Sacred did with that vile chair shot!” Curry yells.

“Sacred absolutely slammed hat chair into his face! Crude, but so effective!” NTD replies.

Sacred steps into the ring, as Funyon gets on the mic. “The winner of this match via a disqualification, JOOOHHHNNNNYYYY RRRROOOOTTTEEEENNNN!”

The fans aren’t happy in the least, and they show it, booing Sacred as he swings the chair over his head again, slamming it down on Rotten’s back., and then his leg, and then his head, releasing frustration on Rotten. Sacred finally stops, but the fans don’t give him a warm reception, obviously. “Seasons in the Abyss” kicks up, as Bo unhooks himself from around the ropes, and stumbles toward Sacred.

The evil one turns around, about to swing the chair at Perfect Bo! … But he stops in mid strike, instead, throwing the chair away. Bo and Sacred stare each other down in an intense confrontation…

“Sacred was about to hit Bo… but decided against it!” NTD says, watching the two gladiators in the ring.

“He didn’t strike Bo, but he stuck Rotten, and with a passion. Sacred flung that chair like a wild man, beating Rotten down.” Curry says remorsefully.

Bo looks down at Rotten, and then at Sacred. The evil one nods, and picks Rotten up, throwing him to Bo. The Perfect One grabs Rotten by the neck and slams him with another Perfect Pain! The two Da Pound members watch Rotten squirm with pain and then Sacred and Bo both turn around and exit on opposite sides of the ring. They both walk around the ring and up the ramp next to each other, as fans in the background give them hell for their actions.

“A welcome back indeed for Perfect Bo, taking it to Johnny Rotten! He's making enemies in only his first week back!" NTD yells.

“But we still have so much more to go, so stay tuned, when the prophet gets a shot at Hardcore gold, and so much more!” Curry says, as the camera watches Rotten get on two knee’s in the ring, watching Bo and Sacred leave, plotting revenge maybe, or just mad because he didn’t shatter any dreams tonight…

April 14, 2002

"...and we're BACK!" Curry Man screams.

The cameras return from commercial abruptly and pan around the arena wildly. However, rather suddenly, they focus immediately on the announcers' table...

"What an opening match we just had!! I can't believe all the close falls in that one! It was one of the craziest matches I've seen in about 19 years!" NTD shills.

"Uh... what in God's name are you talking about?!?" Curry Man wonders.

"..huh?" NTD replies.

"...whatever. At any rate, our next match contains a rising star and a falling one... recent JL callup, Longdogger Pete, was one of the biggest stars in JL history! His opponent tonight, the man they call 'The Prophet', hasn't won a match in a long time and has been completely lacking motivation recently... it almost appears as if he doesn't want to fight." Curry Man analyzes.

"That's right, Curry... I'm not so sure what's wrong with him. Some days, he looks like he could take on the world... others, he's barely a threat. I wonder which one will show up tonight..." NTD alludes.

"At any rate, we're about ready to start! Let's meet our contestants!"

The arena lights drop out, and a cold breeze blows throughout the arena... Some women and children put on their jackets, and some leaves (how did they get there...?) rustle around the top of the stage. All of a sudden, a huge inferno erupts at the top of the ramp, and "Pushing Me Away" by Linkin Park kicks up, frightening everyone within the first seven...teen rows!

"(Everything falls apart, even the people that never frown eventually break down)"

"The sacrifice of hiding in a lie..."

"(Everything has to end, you'll soon find we're out of time to watch it all unwind)"

"The sacrifice is never knowing..."

"Why I never walked away"

"Why I played myself this way"

"Now I see... you're testing me"

"Pushes me away..."

As the heavy guitars kick up, Funyon raises the microphone to his lips...

"This match is scheduled for one fall... introducing first, from Springfield, Virginia... weighing in at 162 pounds... 'The Prophet' Tyler McClelland!!" He screams.

The crowd boos at the top of their lungs as the music blares over the loudspeaker... however, nobody comes out of the curtain.

"Well, where is he...?" NTD wonders.

All of a sudden, the music cuts out and the lights go back up. However, the Smarktron is lit up in the background from a shot of backstage where Laura McClelland is pacing around outside her husband's locker room...

"He's... go look..." She stammers.

Into the picture comes The Savior, who has a crooked look on his face. The two walk into the dressing room and the camera gets their first view of The Prophet tonight... he is laying in his street clothes staring at the ceiling in the middle of his dressing room...

"Look, Tyler, you've got a match. Get up and go out there." The Savior orders.

Tyler just lies there silent.

"Tyler, come on, let's go." Savior continues to plead.

"Stop, I'm not going."

"Why? What the f*** is your problem? Come on!" Savior replies.

"I just... don't feel like it. Leave me alone."

"...whatever, man. I guess it's your career." Savior finishes.

Savior leaves, but Laura drops to her knees beside her husband... Then, the Smarktron fades to black.

"What the hell...?" Curry Man says as Storm fades to commercial.

April 14, 2002

"Welcome back to SWF Storm!" shouts Curry Man as Storm returns from commercial break. "Folks, tonight's edition of Storm is a show full of second helpings!"

"What? Second helpings?" NTD looks confused. "What the hell are you smoking, Curry?"

"It's simple, NTD," replies Curry. "Tonight we've already seen the second Perfect Bo match since his return to the SWF. Later on we'll have the second rematch between Jay Dawg and K-Os with the SWF United States Championship on the line. And finally, coming up next we'll be seeing Longdogger Pete's second defense of the Hardcore Gamers title! Like I said, second helpings!"

"Can I make a second opinion?" NTD cuts in.

"Uh... sure."

"That sucked."

Before Curry and NTD can bicker any further, the voice of Bush front man Gavin Rossdale begins to sing over the arena speakers.

"You will get yours...

you will get yours...

YOU WILL GET YOURS!"

After the fifth repetition of the opening line, an explosion of white pyro goes off on the stage, and then the entrance fills with smoke. Pete steps out of the smoke and begins briskly walking down the ramp with one arm raised in anticipated victory and the other arm carrying the SWF Hardcore Gamers title belt, slung over his shoulder. "Cold Contagious" keeps playing as he enters the ring.

Funyon makes the announcement as Pete enters to a chorus of cheers. "The following hardcore contest is scheduled for one fall, and it is for the SWF Hardcore Gamers Championship! In the ring, from Miami, Florida, weighing in at 272 pounds... he is the SWF Hardcore Gamers Champion... LOOOOOOOONGDOGGERRRRRR PEEEEEEETE!"

"I'm surprised Pete is even walking," says NTD, "let alone healthy enough to wrestle after the end result of his cage match last week against Mistress Sarah!"

"The Miami Menace said he made an amazing recovery!" adds Curry. "However, I'm sure he isn't 100%, and that's going to hurt his chances of retaining his hardcore title tonight."

Pete climbs to the nearest turnbuckle and raises his belt in the air to another face pop from the audience. He then hops back down to the mat, and hands the title belt to the referee, who sets it aside for safekeeping just as "Cold Contagious" fades out.

Just then, the lights darken and the arena begins to chill. A fine mist begins billowing out of the stage area, lit from behind by a blood red spotlight. The voice of the Prophet echoes over the speakers. "The Enlightenment is here..."

All of a sudden, the arena is rocked by an explosion, as multiple red pyrotechnics light up around the stage area and "By Myself" by Linkin Park hits the loudspeakers. The audience immediately begins jeering as The Prophet emerges on the entrance ramp.

"And introducing the challenger," Funyon announces. "Representing the Enlightenment, and weighing in at 162 pounds... THE PROPHET!"

The audience continues booing the Prophet as he slowly, deliberately walks down toward the ring with his head and eyes lowered, keeping the folds of his robe tightly gathered around himself. He then climbs up the steel stairs, one step at a time, then carefully climbs between the ropes to enter the ring, keeping his robe held shut tight the entire time.

"Well, it looks like LDP's newest challenger is none other than the leader of the Enlightenment, the Prophet," says Curry. "AKA Tyler McClelland, or Outcast, or whatever he calls himself these days."

"What a creepy guy," replies NTD.

"The Prophet is a mysterious one, isn't he," nods Curry.

NTD shakes his head. "I was talking about LDP."

With little more to do, the bell rings, Funyon vamooses, and the match officially begins! Longdogger Pete doesn't even wait for the Prophet to remove his robe, immediately going on the offensive. Pete advances on the slow moving Prophet and begins his furious assault of hard right punches! Unfortunately, after landing the first one somewhere near Prophet's chest, Pete suddenly reels backward in pain!

"What the?" wonders Curry.

Pete continues to back off, and finally Prophet tosses his robe aside. To Pete's surprise, the Prophet carries a lead pipe in one hand! Pete must have landed a punch squarely over the lead pipe!

"Wow, look at that pipe!" exclaims NTD. "I think LDP may have taken out his own entire offense with one punch!"

"So it looks like Outcast wants to play dirty," Curry notes.

"Well, it is a hardcore match, after all," NTD admits. "Anything goes!"

Suddenly Prophet drops the lead pipe and lunges at Pete, proving himself not to be the slow thinker that his entrance might establish. Prophet barrels toward Pete, and before LDP even has time to think, Prophet has scored with a right hook, followed by a left uppercut and a high kick to Pete's jaw. Pete staggers back, dazed by Prophet's flurried assault, and falls backward over the ropes, dropping to the floor outside the ring.

"Prophet orders up a Wind Combo on the One Man Wrecking Crew," says NTD.

"Combo? Can I get one super sized?" asks Curry curiously.

"Sure," replies NTD. "Would you like seconds?"

"Right," Curry shakes his head, giving up. "I think the 'second helping' line has run its course, NTD."

Outside the ring, LDP lifts open the flap of the ring apron, trying to search underneath the ring for a weapon, anything he could use against the Prophet. The Prophet leaps over the ring ropes and jumps down from the apron to advance on Pete, attempting to sneak up behind the Miami Menace while he searches under the ring.

The Prophet advances on Pete, but before he gets into position to try anything, Pete suddenly whirls around and attacks Prophet, a shiny metal object present in his right hand!

~~CRACK!~~

Prophet goes down, his head suddenly a bloody mess after Pete connects, hitting Prophet across the head with... a steel baseball bat!

"Oh, my God!" hollers Curry. "Pete just took Prophet out with a baseball bat!"

"What! Already?" exclaims NTD.

Pete drops down over the unconscious Prophet, and the referee makes the count.

ONE!

TWO!

THREE!

"Cold Contagious" hits the speakers again, and Pete tosses the bat aside as the referee hands him back his title belt.

"Here's your winner," Funyon announces, "and STILL the SWF Hardcore Gamers Champion... LOOOOONGDOGGERRRRR PEEEEEETE!"

Curry and NTD glance at one another, utterly confused. Finally it is NTD that breaks the uneasy silence. "Umm.... that sucked."

"Indeed," agrees Curry. "Well, we're going to go to break while we try to make sense of this, and when we come back, folks, we'll have a much more exciting match on tap for you! Don't miss SWF Storm!"

April 14, 2002

The camera cuts to the commissioner's office following a commercial. Stubby has called for the Prophet, but he hasn't shown up yet...

"Who the hell does he think he is?! I book him in a match and he goes out there and puts on that kind of a match? That son-of-a-bitch thinks he can show ME up?? I'll show him..."

Finally, the Prophet... wearing scrubby clothes and looking like he is still half asleep, walks into the commissioner's office...

"What do you want...?" Prophet asks.

"You know, you signed a contract when you joined this federation that said you would FIGHT when I TELL you to fight! Who the f*** do you think you are giving such a half assed effort??"

The Prophet drops his head to the ground...

"Aren't you going to say something?!? You know, that is breach of contract! I could fire you right here, on the spot! Give me one reason... ONE... why I shouldn't just fire you!" Stubby screams.

"I don't care what you do... I didn't feel like fighting, that's settled... not like it really matters..."

With that, the Prophet drudges out of the commissioner's office. Stubby throws down a stack of papers and keeps pacing around his office...

"Who the F*** does he think he is?!"

April 14, 2002

“Welcome back to one of the most oddly-named shows on television... SWF Smarkdown!” NTD greets a worldwide audience of many many people around the world. Curry Man sticks his head into the scene, worry lines drawn on his face. “Uhh... NTD... this is Storm. Smarkdown was Monday.”

“Crap!” exclaims NTD, slapping his face, then moaning. “And I was gonna get a raise, too...”

“Yeah, sucks to be you. Anyway, this next match looks to be a very one-sided affair, pitting Thoth of the Clan... against the SWF World Champ himself, the HVille Thugg.”

“Ever since Stubby McWeed distanced himself from the Clan and sided with Da Pound, the Clan has been put through a fair amount of hell.”

“Gasp, what’s this?” NTD mocks Curry Man, his hand over his mouth. “Curry Man siding with the Clan?”

“Well, you know, if I had to choose between the Clan and Da Pound, I’d pick the Clan. Lesser of two evils.”

“I’d bet they’d kick your ass if they heard you say that., Curry Man. That’s like saying I’d rather drink Coke because it tastes like crap.”

“Pepsi MAX,” says Curry Man, sneaking in a cheap but witty plug, “The soft drink that doesn’t taste like crap.”

Soon after, the arena is shrouded in a deep blue, as “Quarantined” by At The Drive-in begins to play. A somewhat droning chorus, growing ever more slightly complex with each repetition. The crowd waits...

The song drops to near silence...

And an explosion of sound turns the entire arena blood red! A figure, wearing a white dress shirt, red pants with a strap, and a disgusted yet gleeful look on his face emerges. The vocals of the song drop in as Thoth makes his way down the ramp.

“Autonomous machete for hands

Warden and judge hide behind masks

Wet raindrop lull

Small rationing

Entombed the rhetoric of break the weak

In single file

Sanction this outbreak

A virus conspires

Push becomes shove

Days becomes months

And I’ve seem to have forgotten the warmth of this sun”

“The following non-title contest is scheduled for one fall!” announces Funyon, the master of sharp style. “Introducing first, weighing in at 236 pounds, he is a member of the Clan, and one half of the S-W-F Tag Team Champions... THOTH!”

Thoth, now at ringside, climbs a nearby turnbuckle, and stands atop it, removing his dress shirt, revealing a small set of scars on his stomach from a battle long ago. He hops off the turnbuckle into the ring, as the red lights are washed away into natural light. There is a brief moment where absolutely nothing happens, no one breathes, everyone is silent. Then the arena dives into darkness, save for a line on the stage, a bright orange line that beckons attention.

"They don't know..."

"Who we be."

"They don't know..."

"Who we be."

“What they don’t know is…”

The line explodes into a wall of fire, announcing the arrival of the most powerful man in the Smarks Wrestling Federation!

"The bullshit..."

"The drama..."

"The guns..."

"The armor..."

DMX’s “Who We Be” blazes a trail for the HVille Thugg. With the heavyweight championship over his shoulder, he makes his way to the ring... slowly, slowly, finding a solace in the moment before the violence.

“And, his opponent, from Washington, DC, weighing in at Four Hundred and Fifty Pounds, he is the leader of Da Pound... and he is the S-W-F Heavyweight Champion... the H... VILLE... THUGG!!”

The monstrously big man reaches up and grabs hold of the top rope, pulling it down towards him. The tension allows him to step up onto the apron, at which point he steps over the same top rope into the ring. The lights come back on, and the camera is shooting a profile of his face. His nostrils pulsate with his breathing, and there are intricate patterns in the cornrows of his hair. Thoth stands back, on the other side of the ropes, a willing recipient of this long-range staredown.

*DING DING DING*

“We have a standoff here,” comments Curry Man, “And it’s in Thoth’s best interests to keep the staredown going as long as possible.” Adds NTD in the same vein, “What do you think Thoth’s life insurance policy is worth?”

“One hundred billion dollars,” cackles Curry Man, lifting his pinky to his mouth. “Wait a minute,” interrupts NTD, “I’m supposed to be the off-the-cuff funny guy!”

Thugg slowly begins to stalk Thoth; Thoth tries to find some way around the big man. With each step, HVT restricts Thoth’s possible range of movement. Thoth keeps moving around, trying to find a safe way around Thugg, but the big man’s arms are just too long. Thoth finds himself backed into a corner as the HVille Thugg brandishes a fist and swings it straight at Thoth’s face. The Balancer holds up to hands, and manages to hold the punch at bay, but not without great effort; Thoth’s body shakes, and his teeth are grit tightly. Thugg, nonchalantly, balls his other hand into a fist, and shoves it into Thoth’s underside. The tag champ doubles over, coughing and hacking. HVT cracks a smirk as a slight laugh escapes his throat. He grabs one of Thoth’s limp arms, and throws him with sick, brute force into the opposite corner. Thoth doesn’t even have the power to overcome the momentum thrust upon him, and smashes chest-first into the buckle. He falls back, his chest almost literally dented from the impact. The HVille Thugg starts to approach the downed Thoth, but the Balancer slowly pushes himself up, clutching at his chest. Scowling, he approaches Thugg head on.

“I think Thoth has just bitten off more than he can chew,” says Curry Man. “He’s running on emotion, and against a man as dangerous as the HVille Thugg, it’s not a good idea to run on instinct alone.”

Thoth makes motions to lock-up with Thugg, who is a full foot taller. Thugg reaches down, and tries to grab Thoth, but the Balancer drops low and starts pulling at Thugg’s leg. It sort of looks like an old Warner Brothers cartoon. Thugg bends over to grab Thoth, but the Balancer slips through Thugg’s legs and finally gets behind the big man! Thoth aims a hard, fast dropkick to Thugg’s ankle. He kicks with as much force as he can muster, and succeeds in kicking the leg out from under Thugg! The other leg can’t hold 450 pounds of off-balance weight, so Thugg crashes to the mat with a tremendous impact, shaking the ropes up and down violently. The crowd lets out a huge cheer, some people coming out of their seats, as NTD makes the obligatory “TIMBER!” comment. Thugg immediately tries to sit up, but Thoth drops a quick leg across the chest of HVT, then tries for a cover.

ONE!

And that’s all Thoth gets, as the big Thugg actually throws him off, halfway across the ring, as Thugg sits up. Thoth, like a rabid dog or a mouse who has bitten into the finger of a man, tries to lock Thugg’s head in some sort of headlock, chinlock, or maybe a sleeper, but it’s all moot as the world champ rises to his full 7 foot 2 inch frame, and shrugs the relatively tiny Thoth off. Thoth gets up, and looks up into the deep-set eyes of the world champ. He scampers around the ring, trying to figure out how to beat him. He gets backed up into the ropes, but before Thugg can score a blow, Thoth bends back, flipping over the ropes and landing safely on the outside.

“What a coward!” yells NTD. “I thought the Clan was a group of tough-guys, but Thoth is just running away from this battle? Where’s that Japanese ethic now?”

Thugg smiles as he steps over the top rope and hops off the apron down to the black protective mat. Thoth acts on instinct, sliding back into the ring and running for the far ropes. Thugg shrugs, getting back onto the apron and... Thoth comes running back, and flips forward once he’s near Thugg, pressing his hands into the canvas, and the backs of his legs into Thugg’s face! Caught unaware by this surprise, Thugg flails backward, trying to stay on the apron... and fails! He crashes to the mat, his 450 pounds proving to be a huge detriment!

“Wow! What an innovative move by Thoth!” yells Curry Man. “Thugg’s having a lot of trouble keeping up with Thoth’s speed.”

As Thugg tries to pick himself up off the outside, the referee begins a ten-count. Thoth stands back behind the ref, attempting to use him as sort of a buffer should anything unsavory happen. Thugg gets up, and looks through the first and second ropes, as the referee gets to 5. Thugg cracks his neck and pulls himself up to the apron and over the top rope. The referee breaks the count at 6. Thoth rushes forward, trying to get another sneak attack in, but Thugg will have none of it, snatching out at Thoth, grabbing him around the neck. The world champ flings him aside like he was only a few pounds. Thoth falls horizontally to the canvas; that is, the slides a couple of good feet. Thugg is on top of him before he has a chance to recover; he’s hoisted up next to HVT’s side, and then dropped with the full force of HVT falling to the side.

“Vicious sidewalk slam by the HVille Thugg!” exclaims Curry Man. “NTD, why don’t you earn your paycheck and do some color commentating?”

“Okay... purple blue chartruse.”

“No, seriously.”

“Sigh... fine, fine. Normally, in big man vs small man matches, the longer the match goes, the more in favors the small guy, due to issues of stamina and the like. However, if Thoth keeps walking into situations where Thugg can get his hands on him and make him bleed his own blood, then he will probably lose.”

“How much do we pay you, NTD?”

“Enough to buy pants-alternatives that are more expensive than my car.”

“Your car is a Yugo,” says Curry Man, with finality.

“Yeah, your point?”

The HVille Thugg pulls up Thoth, who aches all over, and whips him to the ropes. With his mind on his pain, Thoth doesn’t have the presence of mind to dodge, and takes a flat, size 21 boot to the face. Thoth drops like a sack, sliding forward a bit from his momentum. Thugg drops down and makes a lateral press...

ONE!

TWO!

THRE- No, Thoth barely gets the shoulder up! Thugg gets up, as if nothing happened and picks Thoth up by his thin red hair, and just out-and-out socks him one on the jaw. Thoth would fall into the mat, were it not for the turnbuckle to block his fall. Stuck dangerously in the corner, Thoth is a prime candidate for a swift, flat boot to the midsection that sinks him deeper down. Thugg grabs hold of the top two ropes and starts stomping away at the Balancer, who can do nothing but stare up at Thugg, and Thugg’s boot, as it threatens to cave his ribs in through his heart. At this point, the crowd does something unexpected, something that cannot be predicted by the Internet or my statistics: They start to boo Thugg. This isn’t anything special by itself, but keeping in mind that the other man in the ring is Thoth, it starts to mean something. HVT, mercifully, tires of his boring offense, and whips Thoth out... no wait, he’s holding on to the arm, attempting a short-arm clothesline... Thoth ducks, and as Thugg turns around to face him again, Thoth aims a roundhouse side kick as high as he can muster...

And catches Thugg under the chin! The big monster stumbles, and Thoth gets on the offensive, striking Thoth with hands, fingers extended, in Thugg’s pressure points! He aims a blow right below the top of Thugg’s ribcage, in the sternum, and Thugg reels, suddenly gasping for air, rubbing voraciously at the point that Thoth attacked! Feeling the momentum shift, Thoth lunges forward, placing all the weight on his front foot, and thrusting an elbow deep into Thugg’s belly! The world champ doubles over, and Thoth drapes a leg over Thugg’s neck, leaps... but Thugg’s too big; he won’t go down! Realizing that he only has a few moments left, Thoth’s eyes widen to their full length as he runs up the nearby turnbuckle, leaps off, and aims his legs into position for a Guillotine Face Driver... and connects! Thugg goes down! The crowd goes nuts!

“Holy... wow! These fans are cheering for... Thoth! I can’t even believe this is happening; it’s surreal!” Many people watching on TV would echo Curry’s sentiment as Thoth goes for a pin, hooking one of HVT’s beefy legs. The ref counts:

ONE!

TWO!

But no! Thugg kicks out again, elicitng a sigh out of a jam-packed arena of wrestling fans. Thoth gets to his feet, looking down at Thugg, who remains prone on the mat. Thoth goes to the outside, climbs the turnbuckle, and stands atop it, ready to put the finishing touches on this match... he leaps up, tucking himself into a ball, pointing his knees down towards Thugg. He reaches his apex, and starts dropping... heading towards his target...

But Thugg lifts up his knees! Thoth bounces off harmlessly, clutching at the points of his own knees, actually crying out in pain.

“Thoth looks to be hurt, and hurt bad, or else he wouldn’t cry out like that,” mentions Curry Man, as Thugg gets up relatively quickly for a 450 pound man. Getting behind Thoth, he hooks the Balancer in a Full Nelson, lifts him high into the air, then slams him down with the brutal force of his entire arm. Given the angle of the camera, it almost looks as if Thoth has made a little hole in the ring. Thugg’s arm comes calling again, peeling Thoth off the canvas, and it is revealed that the ring is whole, which comes as a surprise to many ringside fans, who could actually feel the vibrations from the full nelson slam. Thoth is slack-jawed, his eyes glassy, even NTD, who is the most sarcastic, boisterous son of a bitch ever born not only in this universe, but ALL parallel universes combined, speaks about Thoth’s condition with a twinge of concern. AND HE EVEN CUTS DOWN ON THE FREQUENCY OF HIS JOKES. Thugg grabs Thoth around the neck, signalling for an Untamed, ready to put this match away. Thoth wraps his hands around the hand that is wrapped around his neck, trying to relieve his pressure, but even in his weakened state, he realizes that he must do something now, or he will lose, and may even risk his career. He lets go, just for a moment, and reaches for the HVille Thugg’s abdomen. He grabs a fold of flesh just under the ribs, and starts twisting it.

Immediately, Thugg lets go, and tries to get Thoth to break the hold. Thugg is screaming out loud, and his screams increase in pitch. Finally, the ref rules the hold illegal and Thoth breaks it. Thoth is breathing out through the spaces in clenched teeth. He can be heard to make grunting noises, and his eyes are narrowed. Thugg is down to one knee, trying to block out the pain. Thoth drops to one knee as well, quickly, and shoves his hand under Thugg’s chin, into the soft area behind the chin, triggering a nerve on the left side of the world champ’s mouth. Thugg reels, but Thoth holds on to him, brings him in close, grabs onto his head, and drops to a sitting position, smashing HVT’s chin against his shoulder. The champ sinks back into the canvas, exhausted and severely pained after Thoth’s offensive flurry. It takes a moment for it to register with the crowd, but soon, they are popping like corn, individual fans cheering, starting a chain reaction.

“Holy shit! Thoth just avoided the Untamed, and in doing so, bought himself some time! Who knows, he could win this!” says Curry Man, with hope in his voice. Though he is supposed to be impartial; like all humans, he is rooting for the underdog. Thoth goes to the outside suddenly, and shoves the timekeeper off his chair. Thoth folds it up, and goes back into the ring, where the ref warns him not to use the chair, or he won’t hesitate to disqualify him.

To a cheer, Thoth nails the ref over the head with the chair. That done, Thoth walks over to Thugg, and slams the chair over Thugg repeatedly, cheers growing louder with each smack of metal against flesh. The camera zooms in on Thoth, whose face screams rage as he delivers each blow. Suddenly, Perfect Bo, Jay Dawg, and Sacred run down the ramp. Thoth quickly looks up, and seeing them, runs out of the ring, away from them, and starts heading through the crowd to the nearest exit. Bo and Sacred check on Thugg while Jay Dawg peels his eyes on a fleeing Thoth. Suddenly, HVT stands up, furious, as the ref, who looks like he can barely move, weakly calls for the bell. Funyon knows the situation and makes his announcement.

“The winner of this match, as a result of a disqualification... the HVille... THUGG!”

The crowd voices its displeasure at this ending, as Thoth stands at the top of the stairs in the crowd, breathing heavily and smiling.

“What a turn of events... I don’t think I’ve ever seen Thoth get that angry!” comments Curry Man.

“Whatever the case,” adds NTD, “There’s retribution in store for Thoth and the entire Clan. They better watch their backs.”

“Stick with us, we’ll be right back with more action!” yells Curry Man. Just before Storm goes to break, a quick shot is shown of HVT and Thoth staring at each other.

April 14, 2002

Fading back in from a commercial, the first image the millions of viewers at home are treated to is a shot of the crowd inside the Garret Coliseum, already excited by tonight’s happenings and waiting for the next match. They don’t have to wait long, as the lights in the arena become dark while the Smarktron sizzles to life. It shows the blank fuzz of an old home movie, as “Paint It Black” by the Rolling Stones begins. When the drum beats hit, the movie plays clips of previous matches involving the Mistress, freeze framed in time with the drums. The Mistress enters when the guitar comes in, just glaring around the arena in a dominatrix manner as the crowd boos her arrival.

Funyon: The following is a 3-Way Elimination Match, and it is for the Light Heavyweight Championship! Introducing first, from Bellevue, Nebraska, weighing in at 160 Pounds...Mmmmistress Saaaaaaaarahh!!

Sarah makes her way down the ramp, casting cold glares at the horny men that hoot and holler from the audience. She reaches the ring and slides beneath the bottom rope, removing her trenchcoat as she stands and nonchalantly tosses it on the floor. Sarah unfurls her whip and begins to play with it as her music, along with the boos and the catcalls, fades out.

Curry: And welcome back to SWF Storm, everybody! As you can see, Mistress Sarah is out here and ready for action, as she’ll be competing against Lady Red and El Luchadore Magnifico in a matter of moments!

NTD: Three-way, elimination style match for the Light Heavyweight Title. There’s only one type of three-way I can think of better than tha-

Curry: Keep your fantasies to yourself, NTD, or else you’ll be answering the protest letters.

As Sarah leans up against a corner impatiently, the arena goes black once more as two red spotlights converge on the entrance ramp. The Smarktron shows a stylized image of two upturned teardrop shapes, black, on a white background. A synthesized low, dragging note resonates as the image turns white, the teardrops now blood red and dripping, as if liquid. The theme to 'A Clockwork Orange' plays, an electronic funeral march, as the enshrouded Lady Red slowly walks out in time to the music, clad in her kimono and hooded. Another round of boos ring out as Miss Red slowly makes her way down the ramp, with Mistress Sarah eyeing her from the ring.

Funyon: And now, from Tokyo, Japan, weighing in at 140 Pounds...Laaaaaady Rrrreeed!!

Lady Red reaches the ring and climbs up onto the apron, then steps between the ropes and walks to the center of the ring. Once there, she sheds her Kimono, leaving the ref to pick up another article of clothing as Miss Red simply stands there, keeping her eyes away from Sarah.

Curry: It was supposed to be one of these women competing against Magnifico for the Title, but the finish to their #1 Contendership Match was a little...controversial.

NTD: Controversial? More like downright weird! Sarah should have been a stain on the mat after that manatee crushed her!

Sarah and Red continue to just stand around in the ring and basically make everyone uncomfortable, until a Mexican voice shouting, “UNO! DOS! TRES! CUATRO!” suddenly cuts through the tension. A burst of pyro explodes from each turnbuckle with each word shouted, bringing the cheering fans to their feet as the chorus of “Mission Trip to Mexico” blasts over the speakers. A few seconds later, El Luchadore Magnifico bursts out from behind the curtain, waving his Mexican flag wildly as he steps out onto the stage. Magnifico pauses for a moment, then slowly raises both his arms in the air, drawing the LHW Title up with one arm and his flag up with the other. After a few seconds of this, ELM breaks out of his pose and heads down the ramp, slapping fans’ hands as he goes.

Funyon: And now, from Mexico City, Mexico, weighing in at 190 Pounds, he is the SWF Light Heavyweight Champion...El Luchadooooooorre Magnificooooooo!!

Magnifico slides beneath the bottom rope into the ring, drops his flag, pops to his feet, and hops onto the nearest second turnbuckle. Once there, he pumps his title-holding fist into the air several times, drawing a few more cheers and a lot more picture-taking from the crowd. Finally, Magnifico hops off of the turnbuckle, picks up his flag, and hands it and the title to the referee. The luchadore’s music fades out as Sarah and Red turn cast their eyes towards him in an unfriendly manner. Done with cleaning up the wrestlers’ personal items, the ref signals for the bell to begin this match.

DING DING DING

NTD: Poor Magnifico. Those evil ladies are gonna tear him apart. I’d feel bad for him if I didn’t hate his guts.

Curry: I dunno NTD, this match doesn’t look like it will be a two-on-one affair. Sarah and Red don’t like Magnifico, but they certainly don’t like each other either. I don’t see much teaming up going on here.

Magnifico’s eyes shift between Lady Red and Sarah, while the luchadore wonders which one will attack first. He gets his answer as Red turns towards him and slowly approaches. Magnifico tenses up, but before Red can reach him, Sarah suddenly charges out of the corner, looking to attack her from behind! Amazingly, Red spins around just in time to catch Sarah, hitting her with a right jab and stopping the Mistress dead in her tracks. Sarah returns the blow, and the two begin exchanging shots in the middle of the ring as ELM stands to the side, waiting for his opportunity to attack. Miss Red takes control of the brawl, backing Sarah up to the ropes with a series of quick jabs to the face. She then grabs Sarah by her arm and whips her across the ring, but instead of heading towards the ropes, Mistress Sarah changes direction and charges towards Magnifico! As she approaches, Sarah leaps into the air and sticks her heel out, spinning around as she jumps and knocking the surprised luchadore to the mat with a Spinning Heel Kick! Sarah quickly pops back to her feet and begins stomping away at Magnifico, but is suddenly knocked from behind by a charging Lady Red, sending her stumbling straight into the corner! Sarah turns herself around to face Miss Red as she slowly draws her hand back. Red then drives her hand forward, thrusting it straight into Sarah’s neck! The Mistress, holding her throat and choking for breath, drops to one knee as Miss Red turns to Magnifico, who is still struggling to his feet. Red grabs him by the arm and pulls him the rest of the way, then uses her grip to whip Magnifico into the far ropes. ELM bounces off of the ropes and rushes back towards Miss Red, and as he approaches, she leaps into the air with her legs outstretched, looking to catch Magnifico with a Hurricanrana! However, the luchadore ducks beneath her legs and keeps on running, but isn’t out of trouble yet as Sarah is standing behind Red, lying in wait for him! As Magnifico approaches, she throws her leg out and spins around on the mat, driving her foot straight into ELM’s chin with a Roundhouse Kick!

Curry: Ouch! Sarah’s martial-arts background is really showing itself here, as she surprises Magnifico with a stiff Roundhouse Kick.

NTD: I was never a fan of all that punchy-kicky hoo-hah, but Sarah makes that karate junk look good! And sexy too, I might add.

As Magnifico hits the mat, Sarah spins around to face Lady Red, who happens to turn around at the same time. The two quickly approach each other and lock up, pushing each other back and forth and struggling for control until Red takes control with a Side Headlock. Red wrenches Sarah’s neck for a few seconds, until the Mistress backs up into the ropes, bounces off, and uses the momentum to push Red off of her and towards the opposite ropes. Red bounces off and rushes back towards Sarah, and as she approaches, the Mistress lashes out with a Clothesline, which is easily ducked under by Miss Red. The Lady keeps on running after dodging the Clothesline, bouncing off of the ropes behind Mistress Sarah and leaping into the air towards Sarah as she turns to face Red! Miss Red sticks out her forearm in mid-air, driving it into Sarah’s neck as and knocking her to the mat with a Flying Forearm! Red jumps back to her feet after landing the maneuver, oblivious to Magnifico sneaking up behind her! Suddenly, the luchadore sticks his head beneath Miss Red’s arm and grabs her by the waist, then lifts her into the air for a Back Drop! However, the Lady pushes off of Magnifico’s shoulder in mid-air, flipping backwards in mid-air and landing on her feet right behind the luchadore! Before Magnifico can turn around, Miss Red gives him a hard shove in the back, sending him running towards the ropes. ELM bounces off of the ropes and heads back towards Miss Red, and as he approaches, she leaps into the air and kicks out her feet, driving them straight into Magnifico’s mouth with a Drop Kiss! A few boos come from the audience as Magnifico drops to the mat and Miss Red turns her attention back to Sarah, who is almost to her feet.

Curry: Amazingly, Lady Red is in control of both Magnifico and Sarah! But how long will that last for?

NTD: Who cares! It’s entertaining now, and that’s all you need to worry about.

Miss Red approaches the rising Sarah and delivers a few quick stomps as she stands, disorienting the Mistress and allowing the Lady to grab her arm and attempt a whip. However, Sarah reverses it, sending Red into the far ropes. Lady Red bounces off of the ropes and rushes back towards Sarah, and as she approaches, the Mistress lands a stiff kick to her gut, doubling Red over and allowing Sarah to latch on a Suplex position. The Mistress holds Red in that position for a second, then suddenly falls backwards to the mat, slamming Miss Red’s body into the canvas with a Snap Suplex! Sarah floats over onto Red, hooking the leg for the pin as the ref slides into positon...

ONE...

TWO-No! Red kicks out right after two. Undaunted, Sarah grabs Miss Red by the arm and slowly stands up. However, she is forced to release the Lady’s arm when Magnifico, grabbing her by the inside of the leg from behind, suddenly pulls her back onto the mat, rolling her up with a School Boy Pin! The surprised crowd begins to cheer as the ref abruptly starts another count...

ONE...

TWO-No! Sarah escapes after two, rolling backwards and popping to her feet. Magnifico rolls to his feet as well, his back against the ropes as Sarah, who got up much quicker, suddenly charges at him! Thinking quickly, ELM bends down and throws Sarah into the air with his back, sending her flying over the top rope! However, Sarah manages to grab the top rope in mid-air and pull herself downward, landing on the apron behind the luchadore! Before Magnifico can find out about Sarah’s presence, the Mistress grabs him by the hair and jerks it downward, dropping him down to the mat and drawing boos from the audience. Sarah then hops off of the apron, grabs Magnifico by the hair again, and painfully pulls him out of the ring and out to the floor! The luchadore lands awkwardly on the outside and lays there, holding his scalp in pain as Sarah mercilessly stomps away at him.

Curry: Ugh, what kind of wrestling is that? Sarah looked like she was gonna pull Magnifico’s hair right out!

NTD: That’s what that dirty Mexican gets for having that long, greasy hair! It wouldn’t kill him to see a barber now and then.

After about a dozen stomps, Sarah grabs Magnifico by his arm and jerks him to his feet, while the referee reaches 3 in his count. It’s also about this time that Lady Red reaches her feet, and sees Magnifico and Sarah standing on the outside! After a moment’s consideration, she suddenly across the ring, headed straight for Sarah and Magnifico! The luchadore and the Mistress turn towards Red just in time to see her leap over the top rope, soaring towards them with a Suicide Dive! Miss Red’s body crashes right into Sarah and Magnifico, sending all three competitors to the ground in a heap as the crowd cheers the suicidal maneuver!

Curry: Holy crap! Lady Red just took out both Magnifico and Sarah with her Suicide Dive!

NTD: What a brilliant move! If both Sarah and Magnifico are counted out after that, the Light Heavyweight Title is hers!

Red, Magnifico, and Sarah all lay within a few inches of each other, barely moving until the slow-counting ref reaches the five count. At this time, Miss Red begins to stir and slowly brings herself to her feet, rolling into the ring at seven as Magnifico and Sarah both begin to stir. Cheered on by the crowd, who probably don’t want to see the match end so early, Magnifico and Sarah reach one knee at eight, clumsily stand up at nine, and barely beat the ten count, rolling into the ring before the ref can reach it!

Curry: They made it! Lady Red was half a second away from the Light Heavyweight Title!

Visibly annoyed by the fact that the match is still going, Miss Red begins stomping away at her opponents, alternating between Sarah and Magnifico, before picking one opponent to focus on. Unfortunately for Magnifico, that happens to be him, as the Lady grabs him by the arm, jerks the luchadore to his feet, and throws him into the corner. With ELM leaning up against the turnbuckles, still dazed from the Suicide Dive, Lady Red slowly lifts her leg and places her foot right on his neck, then pushes forward, crushing Magnifico’s neck with a High Choke! The luchadore desperately tries to pull off Miss Red’s foot as he chokes for air, but the expressionless assassin maintains her hold until the ref, threatening with disqualification, gets her to stop. As soon as Red releases her foot, Magnifico drops to one knee, holding his throat and gasping for breath as the Lady looks down on him with disgust. With ELM still struggling to breathe, Miss Red grabs him by the hair and slowly pulls him to his feet, slapping on a Front Headlock as he stands. She then takes a few steps around so that her back is to the corner, and hops backwards onto the second turnbuckle, setting Magnifico up for a Tornado DDT! Lady Red remains motionless on the turnbuckle for a few seconds...then suddenly leaps off, twisting around in mid-air and falling onto her back, planting the luchadore’s head into the mat with a Tornado DDT! A chorus of boos come from the stands as Miss Red makes the cover immediately after the DDT, hooking the leg as the ref slides into position...

ONE...

TWO...No! Magnifico kicks out at two and a half, quickly stopping the boos and drawing a few cheers from the crowd.

Curry: Once again, Lady Red is in complete control here. Her success in the JL is no wonder when you see her compete in the ring.

NTD: That’s what I’ve been TRYING to TELL you!

Curry: Um, no it wasn’t. You were trying to tell me about some sort of three-way.

NTD: Oh yeah, now I remember...mmmmm...

Miss Red stands back up after the kick out, leaving Magnifico on the mat as Sarah slowly, stealthily sneaks up behind Red. Before the Lady can detect the Mistress, Sarah suddenly wraps her arm around Red’s neck from behind, trapping her in a Reverse Face Lock! Wasting little time, Sarah quickly falls onto her stomach, slamming the back of Red’s head into the mat with a Falling Reverse DDT! The Mistress quickly makes the pin, once again drawing boos from the crowd as the ref slides into position...

ONE...

TWO...No! Red kicks out at two and a half.

Curry: Wow! Mistress Sarah’s surprise attack almost got her a three count and an elimination of Lady Red!

Mistress Sarah slowly stands, leaving Miss Red lying on the mat as she turns her attention to Magnifico, who is slowly struggling to his feet. Sarah grabs him by the arm and pulls him the rest of the way, then uses her grip to twist Magnifico’s arm into an Arm Wrench, doubling him over and setting him up for the Domination! The crowd releases a wave of anticipatory boos as Sarah lifts her leg high over ELM’s head, then drives it downward for her finisher! But right before the Mistress can make contact with her leg, Magnifico breaks his arm free and jerks his head out of the way, then quickly spins around so that he is back to back with Sarah! Once there, the luchadore immediately reaches back and hooks Sarah’s arms as if for a Backslide, setting her up for the Baja California Crusher! As this is happening, Lady Red is reaching one knee, and sees Magnifico just in time to catch him running towards the nearest corner! Thinking quickly, Miss Red suddenly grabs the ref and shoves him hard into the ropes, leaving him temporarily incapacitated as she stands up and steps in front of the corner Magnifico is running up! As the luchadore flips backwards off of the top turnbuckle, Miss Red suddenly thrusts her head forward in Magnifico’s direction, spewing out a cloud of green mist that flies right into Magnifico’s face in mid-air! Disoriented by the mist, the luchadore fails to complete the Crusher, as he simply falls to the mat while holding his eyes in pain!

Curry: Did you see that? Miss Red just shoved the ref out of the way so that she could use her trademark Green Mist to blind Magnifico!

NTD: Yeah, isn’t she great?

With Magnifico distracted and possibly blinded by the mist, Miss Red grabs him by the hair and slowly pulls him to his feet. Red then grabs Magnifico by the shoulder and leg, lifts him up, and slams him down to the mat with a Bodyslam. The Lady then turns the luchadore onto his stomach and heads over to the nearest corner, apparently looking to land the Death Knell on Magnifico! With boos coming at her from every corner of the arena, Miss Red steps onto the turnbuckle, standing up straight on it while facing away from ELM. Suddenly, her entire body goes stiff as she crosses her arms over her chest, before she falls backwards off of the top rope, the back of her head aimed directly at the back of Magnifico’s head! Thousands of flashbulbs light up the scene as Red’s head is slammed straight into Magnifico’s skull, most likely landing the final blow on the already limp luchadore.

Curry: Lady Red landed the Death Knell! If she can make the cover, Magnifico can kiss his title goodbye!

NTD: It’s not that simple, Curry! Look at Sarah!

While landing the Death Knell on Magnifico, Miss Red seemed to have forgotten about Mistress Sarah, who climbed to the top rope as Red was landing her finisher! With the Lady monetarily stunned by the impact of the Death Knell, Sarah turns towards her and stands up straight on the top turnbuckle, ready to take advantage of Red’s carelessness! Suddenly, the Mistress leaps off of the top rope, flipping backwards in mid-air and crashing towards Lady Red with the Broken Spirit! Another wave of light illuminates the scene as Sarah lands directly on Red’s gut, making perfect contact with her finisher! The crowd reaction is extremely mixed as Sarah rolls off of Red, clutching her gut.

Curry: Holy crap! While Lady Red was recovering from the Death Knell, Mistress Sarah managed to land the Broken Spirit!

After a few seconds of blocking out the pain in her gut, Sarah rolls back on top of Lady Red, wearily hooking the leg as the ref slides into position and begins his count...

ONE...

TWO...

THREEE!! The ref pops to his feet after slapping the mat a third time, calling for the bell and drawing another wave of indecisive noise from the crowd.

DING DING DING

Funyon: The winner of the first fall, eliminating Lady Red...Mistress Saraaah!!

Curry: Thanks to Sarah coming out of nowhere and landing the Broken Spirit, Magnifico’s belt is still safe for the moment-

NTD: Curry, don’t you ever think before talking! Sarah’s gonna get the pin on Magnifico too!

Right after the bell is rung, Sarah slowly rolls off of Red’s body and brings herself to one knee, right in front of Magnifico. While Red rolls out of the ring and falls to the floor, Sarah grabs the motionless luchadore by the shoulders and turns him onto his back, before collapsing onto his chest for the cover! This time, the crowd agrees on booing the current goings-on, as the ref quickly starts another count...

ONE...

TWO...

THR-Noo! Magnifico gets a shoulder up right before the three count, silencing the boos and drawing a relieved pop from the fans.

Curry: No! Sarah was this close to winning the Light Heavyweight Title, but Magnifico is still in it!

NTD: Who cares? With that green crap on Magnifico’s face, it’s only a matter of time before Sarah is victorious!

Curry: You may be right, NTD! ELM could very well be blinded after that Green Mist was spewed into his face by Lady Red!

Sarah slowly rolls off of Magnifico after the unsuccessful pin, and lays on the mat for a few seconds before moving again. When she does, Sarah gradually brings herself up to her feet, while all Magnifico manages to do is roll onto his back while holding his burning eyeballs in pain. As soon as the Mistress stands, she grabs ELM by his hair and slowly pulls him to his feet, holding Magnifico in front of her as he blindly swings his arms, trying to hit whatever has a hold of him. With a uncaring smirk tugging at her lips, Sarah suddenly pulls Magnifico into a Front Headlock, and then quickly falls onto her back, slamming the luchadore’s head into the mat with a DDT! In a surprising move to some, Sarah chooses not to make the cover after the DDT, instead deciding to bring herself back to her feet and head over to the nearest corner, leaving Magnifico lying. The Mistress leans against the corner for a few moments, returning a few jeers from the crowd, until the luchadore begins pushing himself back to his feet. Seeing this, Sarah begins climbing the turnbuckles, reaching the top rope fairly quickly. As Magnifico, the mist still painted on his face, struggles with standing, Sarah slowly walks out onto the middle of the top rope, lining herself up with Magnifico as he finally stands up, facing away from the Mistress. While ELM tries to wipe the mist from his eyes and figure out where he eyes, Sarah begins bouncing up and down on the top rope, seemingly building up momentum for the Whipped! Oblivious to Sarah’s presence, Magnifico slowly turns around and faces the Mistress, which she takes as a cue to take one more bounce and spring off of the rope, flying right at ELM for the Whipped! Sarah hooks her legs around Magnifico’s head, but before she can land the move, the luchadore instinctively reaches up, grabs Sarah by the waist, and throws her down to the mat, landing a sloppy, but effective, Powerbomb! A loud pop rises from the fans as Magnifico falls to the mat, his chest heaving.

Curry: Whoa! Even though he couldn’t see Sarah, he managed to reverse the Whipped into a Powerbomb!

NTD: He’s simply buying time! Magnifico won’t be able to reverse Sarah’s next deadly maneuver!

After a few seconds of remaining motionless on the mat, Magnifico rolls across the ring, rolling beneath the bottom rope closest to the announce table and stepping out onto the floor! Feeling his way around, Magnifico slowly makes his way to the timekeeper’s table, where his Mexican Flag is being held. Muttering a quick “perdoname” to the timekeeper, ELM searches around with his hand until he grabs the flagpole. He picks it up and uses the actual flag to wipe off his face, seemingly bringing back the luchadore vision as he hands the flag back to the timekeeper and rolls back into the ring, where Sarah is struggling to her feet. Magnifico stands up and approaches Sarah, receiving a quick kick to the crotch from the Mistress for his troubles. The luchadore immediately doubles over and drops to one knee as Sarah stands while being booed by the thousands of fans in attendance. With Magnifico on one knee, Sarah lines herself up with the luchadore...and suddenly lashes out with her leg, aiming her foot directly at ELM’s head with a nasty-looking kick! However, Magnifico manages to duck his head just in time, and quickly stands up behind Sarah, who was spun around by the force of the kick! Moving quickly, Magnifico places his head beneath the Mistress’ arm, grabs her around the waist, and then lifts her high into the air! Suddenly, ELM turns her around in mid-air so that her back is facing the mat, ready to put Sarah away with a Blue Thunder Powerbomb! However, once Magnifico turns Sarah around, she immediately hooks her legs around his head and jerks backwards on it, pulling him down to the mat with a Hurricanrana! Once ELM is down on the mat, Sarah struggles to tighten her grip on his neck, looking to lock in the Torture Chamber on Magnifico!

Curry: Sarah’s going for the Torture Chamber! If Magnifico doesn’t escape, Sarah has this match won!

NTD: He can’t escape! No one escapes from the Sarah’s Torture Chamber!

By this time, Sarah has managed to slide herself up onto Magnifico’s chest, seconds away from locking in the submissions for good. Right before she locks it in, the luchadore suddenly pulls his legs backwards, tucks them beneath Sarah’s legs, and then pulls them forward again while sitting up, forcing Sarah backwards and pinning her shoulders to the mat! Magnifico grabs Sarah by her legs and holds the struggling Mistress down as the ref slides into position and begins counting...

ONE...

TWO...No! Sarah breaks her legs free, rolling backwards out of the pin and quickly standing up. Magnifico gets to his feet about a second after the Mistress, giving her enough time to charge at the luchadore, lashing her arm out for a Clothesline! However, Magnifico manages to duck beneath her arm and actually hook it with his own as he passes, then stops dead in his tracks, reaches back, and hooks Sarah’s other arm, setting her up once again for the Baja California Crusher! The crowd releases an anticipatory pop, but it is immediately silenced as Sarah breaks one arm free, spins around to face Magnifico, and quickly captures the luchadore in a Suplex position! Hesitating for only a second, Sarah lifts ELM into the air, holding him perpendicular to the ground and seemingly setting Magnifico up for a Brainbuster! But before Sarah can smash his skull with the maneuver, ELM suddenly twists out of her grip, landing behind Sarah and facing away from her! Magnifico goes through the routine once more, hooking both of Sarah’s arms as if for a Backslide! Before she has the chance to counter, ELM charges towards the nearest corner, ready to finish her off with the Baja California Crusher!

Curry: He’s got her! This is it!

NTD: No way! Sarah’s still got some fight left in her!

The crowd grows louder and louder as Magnifico runs up the turnbuckles and backflips off of the top, landing on his knees and slamming Sarah’s face into the canvas with the Crusher! Louder than ever, the fans continue to cheer on Magnifico as he slowly grabs Sarah by the shoulder, turns her onto her back, and drapes himself over her body for the cover! The ref slides down to the mat, getting the crowd to count along with him as he slaps the canvas...

ONE!

TWO!

THREEE!! The ref jumps to his feet and signals for the bell, whose piercing ring can be heard even over the roaring of the fans.

DING DING DING

Funyon: The winner of the second fall, and STILL, SWF Light Heavyweight Champion...El Luchadoooooooorre Magnificooooooo!!

As the ref rolls to the outside to retrieve ELM’s belt, Magnifico slowly brings himself to his feet, wearily raising his arms in the air and drawing a few more cheers from the excited crowd. The ref returns with the belt, hands it to Magnifico, and raises his arm in victory as “Mission Trip to Mexico” begins to blast over the speakers.

Curry: Unbelievable! It looked like Sarah had Magnifico beat at every turn, but he still pulled out the victory!

NTD: Fraud! Shenanigans, I tell you, shenanigans.

Curry: Watch those big words, NTD. Anyway, stick around folks, because coming up next, Jay Dawg will defend his title once again against K-Os! You don’t wanna miss it!

The last image the fans at home are treated to before the show fades to commercial is El Luchadore Magnifico, perched on the second turnbuckle, thrusting his title into the air with an unwavering grin on his face...

April 14, 2002

“WELCOME TO MOTHERFUCKING HELL!!”

[The prerecorded voice of Jay Dawg echoes through the arena and is followed by D12’s ‘Fight Music’.]

Funyon - He hails from Vancouver, British Columbia. He stands six feet four inches, and weighs in at 250 pounds…the SWF U.S. Champion…JAY DAWG!!!”

[Jay Dawg bursts through the curtains, his title firmly fastened around his waist. A cocky smirk on his face, he holds his arms up high while he scans the seething crowd. JD walks down the ramp to jeers and insults, savoring them as cheers and compliments.]

Curry – Well, there he is. Whoever thought that Jay Dawg of all people would be able to win the US title not once, but twice?

NTD – Pfft…I foresaw this months ago!

[Dawg paces around the ring with a scowl on his face then tosses his belt at the ref and orders him to go put it safely on the announcer’s table. The ref rolls under the ropes then makes his way over towards the announcer’s table with the belt and while he’s doing this Dawg faces the top side of the ring, watching him.

Suddenly, while Dawg’s distracted by the ref, K-Os leaps over the crowd barrier on the right side of the ring! He has a chair with him, slides under the ropes and as Jay Dawg turns he crushes the steel down over the US champion’s skull! Jay Dawg staggers back towards the ropes on the left side of the squared circle then K-Os tosses the chair out of the ring before the ref finishes with Dawg’s belt and notices what’s going on.

After tossing the belt, K-Os grabs the woozy Dawg by the shoulders, yanks him away from the ropes, places him in a standing head-scissors then hauls him onto his shoulders, turns 180 degrees and crushes Dawg into the canvas with a massive powerbomb!]

Curry – Hell Helix! K-Os just hit one of his finishers!

[The ref is tipped off by Curry’s screaming, turns around and slides into the ring and as the bell rings he begins the count…

1…2…3! Dawg gets his shoulder up less than a second too late! A mere 3 seconds into the match the ref gets to his feet and calls for the bell to be rung again!]

NTD – What the hell?!

[K-Os quickly gets to his feet, climbs through the ropes, grabs the US title belt off the announcer’s table then makes his way around the ring towards the ramp as Jay Dawg staggers up inside the ring.

The new champ staggers about half way up the ramp, then stops…turns around and raises the title above his head as the crowd showers him with boos and various pieces of trash. As a half smirk slowly creeps across K-Os’ face “Guerilla Radio” by Rage Against the Machine hits the speakers!]

Curry – Alright here come Stu…oh wait, he’s a bad guy now. Boooooo!

[stubby steps out onto the stage with a microphone in his hand…]

Stubby – Did you think I’d let you get away with this shit?!

[K-Os looks a bit confused and points to himself.]

Stubby – Yeah, you bet your ass I’m talking to you! The ref may have been blind, but I saw you smack Jay Dawg with that chair, and lemme’ tell ya’, you do not fuck around with da Pound like that! Now I realize that here in the SWF the ref’s decision is final, but there’s nothing in the world stopping me from stripping you of that title and wiping your second US title reign from the books!

[The fan reaction to this decision is loud, yet decidedly mixed and upon hearing it, Jay Dawg (who’s more or less recovered) excitedly runs towards the edge of the ring and demands someone bring him a mic.]

Jay Dawg – Yeah! Damn straight! Now make him give me back my title!

Stubby – Your title? Oh, it’s not your title anymore.

Dawg – Wh…what the fuck’re you talking about?!

Stubby – You just got pinned in 3-fucking seconds you dumb bitch! You just made da Pound look like a bunch of pussies! Why the hell should I give the belt to you?

Dawg – God-dammit you stupid sonuva’ bi—

Stubby – Somebody cut his mic.

[Dawg’s mic cuts out mid-rant and he’s left seething in the ring while K-Os shoots daggers at Stubby from the ramp.]

Stubby – See, here’s what we’re gonna’ do. We’re going to have a tournament for that belt and since I’m such a fair guy Dawg's gonna' be in it! Heh...but K-Os on the other hand is suspended! Now hand over that belt!

[K-Os clutches onto the belt with both hands and shakes his head, but Stubby waves to the back and a pack of half a dozen security guards file onto the stage then march towards K-Os.]

Curry – Oh my God! Stubby just vacated the US title belt and we’re going to have a tournament to decide who the next champion will be!

NTD – My prediction…Jay Dawg, 3-time US champ!

Curry – Well unfortunately folks, we have to take a commercial break…we’ll be right back!

April 14, 2002

The commercial breaks ends. The lights go out. “Scum of the Earth” by Rob Zombie begins to play. As soon as the heavy guitar part starts, an explosion hits the entrance area, a faint green glow lights up the arena, and Fallout comes through the curtain. He heads straight for the ring.

*Funyon: The following contest is scheduled for one fall. Making his way to the ring, from Phoenix, Arizona, weighing in at 185 lbs., representing The Clan…Fallout!

Fallout stands in the center of the squared circle, feet apart. He closes his eyes, and slowly lifts his arms skyward. A huge green explosion comes from behind him. He then removes his Clan robe and prepares for the match.

*Curry: He is the #1 contender for HVille Thugg’s World Title. And now, Fallout will go one-on-one with a former World Champion, “Grand Slam” Mark Stevens. And this little one-on-one contest is only a small part of a much bigger picture.

*NTD: And the picture just keeps growing. First, we have Fallout and HVille Thugg. Then we have The Clan and Da Pound. Now…unfortunately…the Carnies are starting to get involved.

*Curry: The very fabric of the Smarks Wrestling Federation is unraveling as we speak. And as bad as things have become, it will probably get worse.

*NTD: It always does. So says The Clan.

*Curry: Stevens made the challenge to Fallout so he could test his skills against the #1 contender for the World Title.

*NTD: Well, he doesn’t have many skills, so this shouldn’t take long.

"Born Bad" by The Gone Jackals begins to play. Then the lights go out... several seconds of hushed silence cause the crowd to become restless... they are clapping, talking, shouting, waving signs, waiting for whatever is about to happen...

::Crack!!!::

The crowd, simply put, explodes! The crack of a bat and the roar of the crowd announce Grand Slam!! It quickly fades into the opening bass of "Born Bad" by the Gone Jackals. The IGNTron lights up with baseball highlights mixed with big spots from Grand Slam's matches while flashing the words "Grand Slam", "The Heavy Hitter" and "Midnight Carnival". The various multicolored lights flash in time with the rhythmic bass of the song until the first guitar riff when the arena is flooded with bright white light!! Red and white pyro explodes at the top of the entrance ramp!! When the smoke clears and everyone can see again, "Grand Slam" Mark Stevens is standing underneath the IGNTron!!! The crowd erupts in even more cheers for the Heavy Hitter!!!

*Funyon: His opponent, from Lincoln, Nebraska, weighing in at 287 lbs., representing the Midnight Carnival…“Grand Slam” Mark Stevens!

As Funyon makes his announcement, Grand Slam runs down to the ring quickly, waving at the fans the whole way!! And they are going nuts!! Tonight, as the camera zooms in, he is wearing a Midnight Carnival baseball cap!! When the crowd sees this, they cheer even louder, nearly drowning out "Born Bad"!! Grand Slam steps into the ring over the top rope and heads to a corner. Stevens climbs to the second turnbuckle, looks at the crowd, then pumps his right fist into the air several times, firing the crowd up even more and causing a flurry of flashbulbs to pop, illuminating the ring like a strobe-light!! Before dropping back to the mat, Grand Slam flings his cap out to the crowd, giving some lucky fan a unique souvenir from the SWF!!!

*Curry: What an ovation for Mark Stevens!

*NTD: Amazing. So many idiots in every city we go to. It’s people like this that make me proud to be a Canadian.

*Curry: Whatever. Anyway, these two men are certainly no strangers to each other. Several months ago, they had a series of matches. Sometimes Stevens won, sometimes Fallout won. Statistically, I think Stevens would be the favorite in this match. But he knows that you should never take Fallout lightly.

*NTD: You’d better believe it. Fallout is capable of beating anyone.

*Curry: He’s also capable of cheating.

*NTD: Yes he is. And he’s damn proud of it.

DING DING DING

Fallout and Stevens start circling once the bell rings. They stop circling for a moment, and Fallout slowly extends his hand, trying to lock up with Stevens. Stevens extends his hand as well, but just as they’re about to make contact, Fallout takes a step back, as if he changed his mind. They start circling again. Fallout reaches down for the leg, but Stevens steps out of the way. They start to move closer again, and this time they do lock up, collar and elbow. A second or two later, Stevens shoves Fallout to the mat! Fallout slowly gets up, looking a bit puzzled. Stevens motions for him to approach. He does. They circle again, and they lock up again. And Stevens pushes Fallout down…again. Needless to say, Fallout does not look happy.

*Curry: I think Fallout needs to remember that he’s not as strong as Mark Stevens.

*NTD: Definitely. He has a huge speed advantage. He should be running circles around this freakin’ Carnie.

Fallout waits for a moment, leaning against the ropes. Stevens waits patiently. Finally, Fallout walks toward Stevens, and they start circling again. Once again, they lock up. Fallout quickly turns it into a waistlock before Stevens can push him away again. Stevens tries to pull himself free, but Fallout isn’t about to let go. Stevens takes another approach: He backs up into the corner, sandwiching Fallout between himself and the turnbuckles. The referee calls for a break.

ONE!

TWO!

THREE!

FOUR!

Fallout releases the hold, and Stevens slowly steps away. But as he does, Fallout jumps up and nails him in the back with a dropkick! Stevens staggers forward, but stays on his feet. Fallout assumes a defensive pose, but Stevens chooses not to attack right away. He retains his patience. Fallout slowly walks out of the corner.

*NTD: That’s more like it. Catch the dumbass off guard.

*Curry: Come on, now. Stevens is a very intelligent man.

*NTD: Whatchu talkin’ ’bout, Curry?

*Curry: I wish I could say the same about you.

Fallout and Stevens start to lock up again, but Fallout kicks Stevens in the midsection before they can grab each other. (No, not in that way you sick freak! Fallout grabs Stevens’ arm and applies an arm wringer. Stevens winces from the pain, but then he reverses into an arm wringer of his own. Then he goes into a hammerlock. Fallout tries to pull his arm free, but Stevens is just too strong. Fallout resorts to throwing back an elbow, which does break the hold. Fallout runs off the ropes. Stevens goes for a big boot, but Fallout catches the leg and takes him down with a Dragon Screw leg whip! Stevens gets back up, grabbing his leg. Fallout grabs the same leg and takes Stevens down with another Dragon Screw leg whip! Fallout holds onto the leg and hits it with an elbow drop. Then he grapevines the leg, trying to force a submission out of Stevens. Stevens reaches out and punches Fallout in the head a few times, breaking the hold. Stevens stands up, as does Fallout. Stevens goes for a clothesline, but Fallout ducks and then dropkicks Stevens in the same leg he attacked earlier, and Stevens goes down again.

*Curry: It seems Fallout has found a weak spot already, and he is exploiting it big time.

*NTD: Fallout is all about exploiting weaknesses. Just like a shark that smells blood. So says the Clan.

Fallout quickly grabs Stevens’ leg and starts kicking away at the knee. The referee orders him to break it up.

ONE!

TWO!

THREE!

FOUR!

Fallout ceases the attack. Stevens slowly gets up, favoring his injured leg. Fallout grabs the leg as Stevens tries to get up. Stevens manages to stay up, hopping on one leg. But he doesn’t stay up for long, as Fallout takes him down with another Dragon Screw leg whip. Fallout immediately secures the leg, and he reaches up and tries to lock in the STF…but Stevens quickly pulls himself to the ropes. Fallout releases his hold on the leg and backs away. Stevens pulls himself up using the ropes. But as he does, Fallout runs off the adjacent ropes and nails Stevens in the same leg with a chop block, knocking him back down. Stevens rolls toward the center of the ring and starts getting up again, refusing to quit. Fallout runs off the ropes and takes him down with a chop block to the back of the knee again. Stevens stays down this time. Fallout runs toward the ropes and springboards off the middle one into an Asai Moonsault…but Stevens gets his knees up, driving them into Fallout’s gut! The blow causes some more pain to Stevens’ knee, but Fallout’s ribs are hurting as well.

*Curry: It looked like Mark Stevens was playing possum!

*NTD: Yeah, but he hurt his own knee with that counter. He may have suckered Fallout in, but he’s still a dumbass. So says the…

*Curry: NTD?

*NTD: Yes?

*Curry: I know you like the Clan and all, but do you really need to say their catch phrase every two minutes?

Fallout and Stevens slowly get up. Stevens kicks Fallout in the midsection using his good leg, and follows it up with a few right hands to the face, backing him down. Irish whip, Fallout reverses, but Stevens takes Fallout down with a clothesline. Stevens runs off the ropes, Fallout slides underneath him, Stevens bounces off the opposite ropes, Fallout goes for the leap-frog, but Stevens grabs the ropes as he runs into them, stopping himself. Fallout charges, but Stevens back drops him over the top rope…however, Fallout lands safely on the apron! Stevens turns around, and Fallout grabs his head and drops to the floor, pulling Stevens’ neck down across the top rope! Stevens staggers back, grabbing his neck. Fallout climbs onto the apron and moves to the corner. He climbs to the top turnbuckle and then flies into the air, taking Stevens down with a Missile Dropkick! Fallout goes for the cover…

ONE!

TWO!

…but Stevens kicks out.

*Curry: There’s the first cover of the match, and a kick-out by “Grand Slam.”

*NTD: Fallout is really taking it to him now.

Fallout punches Stevens in the face a few times while he’s down. The referee orders him to open the fist.

ONE!

TWO!

THREE!

FOUR!

Fallout stops punching just before the count of five. He gives the referee a dirty look, and then he puts Stevens in a blatant chokehold. The referee starts another five-count.

ONE!

TWO!

THREE!

FOUR!

Once again, Fallout breaks it up just before the count of five. Fallout brings Stevens to his feet and delivers a knife-edge chop across the chest! (WHOO! Fallout delivers a second chop, (WHOO! and a third, (WHOO! backing Stevens into the corner. Fallout then climbs up to the second rope, but instead of delivering punches, he smacks Stevens around a bit. Fallout follows it up with a poke to the eye. The referee yells at him. Fallout hops down and turns to the referee, and they exchange some words. Mark Stevens looks extremely pissed off.

*Curry: Uh oh.

*NTD: Turn around Fallout!

*Curry: It looked like Fallout was trying to humiliate Mark Stevens there. I think all he did was make him angry!

Fallout finishes his heated conversation with the referee and turns around…and Stevens immediately wraps both hands around Fallout’s throat! Stevens lifts Fallout into the air, spins around, and throws him into the corner! He follows up with several fast and furious punches to the face! Another five-count from the referee.

ONE!

TWO!

THREE!

FOUR!

Stevens pauses long enough to break the count, and then he returns Fallout’s previous attack by smacking him around! But humiliating Fallout isn’t enough. Stevens wants to hurt him. He rips open Fallout’s shirt, raises his hand in the air, and nails Fallout with a knife-edge chop across his exposed chest! (WHOO! Stevens raises the hand up again, and nails Fallout with another knife-edge chop! (WHOO! Stevens whips Fallout into the opposite corner. Fallout tries to sling over Stevens, but the Heavy Hitter sees it coming and stops, and Fallout lands right in front of him. Stevens grabs him from behind and lifts him up into a belly-to-back suplex…but Fallout slips out of his grasp and lands on his feet! He quickly nails Stevens with a side kick to his weakened leg! Stevens stays on his feet, but Fallout grabs his head and pulls him down with a neckbreaker.

*Curry: No titles on the line in this match. But both of these men have something to prove.

*NTD: Fallout doesn’t have to prove a damn thing. We all know he can beat anyone.

*Curry: So you think he’ll beat HVille Thugg for the title?

*NTD: Um…uh…so, how about them Cubs?

*Curry: Hell of a team. Answer my question.

*NTD: Question? What question?

*Curry: Ah, forget it.

Fallout steps over Stevens into the corner and starts climbing the turnbuckles, facing away from the ring. But as Fallout climbs, Stevens starts to get up. Fallout gets to the top rope and prepares for a moonsault, but before he can execute the move, Stevens backs up into the corner and grabs Fallout from underneath! Stevens pulls Fallout away from the corner, apparently setting Fallout up for a powerbomb. But Fallout counters the powerbomb attempt with a Hurricanrana! Stevens gets back up. Fallout sneaks up behind him and pulls him down with a School Boy…

ONE!

TWO!

…but Stevens kicks out. Both men get up. Fallout takes a swing at him, but Stevens catches the arm, and then hooks the other arm, applying a Full Nelson. Stevens lifts Fallout up…and takes him down with a sit-out atomic drop! But Stevens isn’t done! It’s Double Play time! He lifts Fallout up to his feet. Fallout tries to fight his way out of the hold. Stevens releases one of his arms and buries his forearm into Fallout’s back a few times. Then he locks in the Full Nelson again…and throws Fallout down with the Grand Slam! Stevens hooks the leg…

ONE!

TWO!

T-but Fallout kicks out.

*Curry: Mark Stevens hits the Double Play, but it’s not quite enough to put Fallout down.

*NTD: Whew! That was close.

*Curry: You weren’t worried now, were you?

*NTD: What? Worried? No, of course not. I’m not worried. Why would I be worried? Huh? Why!? WHY!!?

*Curry: Whoa, take it easy! Breathe into a paper bag or something.

Stevens brings Fallout to his feet. He sets Fallout up for a suplex. Stevens quickly lifts him up, and hits Fallout with a snap suplex! Stevens lifts Fallout up again and backs him into the ropes. Irish whip, Stevens lowers his head for a back drop…but Fallout counters with a dropkick right to the head! Stevens staggers back a bit. Fallout pauses for a brief moment, and then he charges at Stevens and dropkicks him in the injured knee again, and Stevens falls face-first to the mat. Fallout stays down for a minute, catching his breath.

*NTD: He’ll have one hell of a headache in the morning.

*Curry: I know the feeling.

*NTD: But you’re retired. You don’t get dropkicked in the head anymore.

*Curry: No, but I have to listen to you talk for two hours. That’s just as bad.

Both men start getting up. Fallout is the first to his feet. Stevens is on his hands and knees. Fallout runs up and delivers a leg drop, driving Stevens’ head down into the canvas. Fallout then grabs Stevens’ injured leg and lifts it up, and then slams it back down to the mat. Fallout then pulls the leg back into a single leg Boston Crab. Stevens tries to pull himself to the ropes, and he succeeds. Fallout releases the half Crab, but he refuses to let go of the leg. He tries to pull Stevens away from the ropes. Stevens pulls himself up onto his good leg using the ropes. Fallout pulls Stevens to the center of the ring, still hopping on one foot. Suddenly, in an amazing display of agility, Stevens leaps off his good leg and nails Fallout with an enziguiri! Both men are down again!

*Curry: Wow! An Enziguiri from “Grand Slam” Mark Stevens! And this guy is not known for his agility, folks!

*NTD: He’s also not known for his intelligence, as he is a Carnie.

*Curry: And NTD will always be known for his cheap shots at the Midnight Carnival.

The referee begins a ten-count.

ONE!

TWO!

THREE!

Both men start to stir.

FOUR!

FIVE!

SIX!

SEVEN!

Both men are up. Fallout takes a swing at Stevens, but he blocks it and hits Fallout with a right hand of his own! Fallout staggers back from the impact. He recovers and throws another punch at Stevens, but he blocks it again and nails Fallout with a fist to the face! And another! And another! Irish whip, Stevens lowers his head, and he hits Fallout with a huge back drop! Fallout slowly gets up, grabbing his back. Stevens grabs him and whips him toward the corner, but Fallout reverses and Stevens collides with the turnbuckles. Fallout charges in, but he runs right into Stevens’ elbow! Fallout staggers back, and Stevens charges at him, but Fallout takes him down with a drop toehold…and he immediately goes into the STF!

*NTD: He’s got it!

*Curry: The STF! Fallout has it lo…wait a minute…

A very large figure appears on the stage and runs down to the ring.

*Curry: What the hell is HVille Thugg doing out here?

*NTD: He’s the World Champion. He can go wherever he wants.

HVille Thugg climbs up onto the apron. The referee immediately walks up to him and tells him to back off, but Thugg isn’t about to leave. Suddenly, the camera pans over to Fallout and Stevens. Stevens is tapping! But the referee doesn’t see it.

*Curry: The World Champion is causing more problems for his future opponent! The match should’ve been over right there!

*NTD: Man, do these two hate each other or what?

Fallout finally realizes what’s going on, and he releases the hold. But rather than attack Thugg, Fallout decides to use the distraction to his advantage. He slides out of the ring and walks toward the timekeeper’s table. Funyon gets out of his chair. Fallout grabs the chair and takes it into the ring. Stevens starts to get up. Thugg points into the ring, trying to get the referee to turn around, but the referee refuses to do anything until Thugg gets off of the apron. Once Stevens is up, Fallout tosses the chair at him, and Stevens catches it. Fallout then dropkicks the chair in Stevens’ face! He goes down like a ton of bricks! Thugg finally gives up and drops down to the floor. Fallout throws the chair out of the ring, getting rid of the evidence, and hooks the leg. The referee notices the pin and runs over to make the count…

ONE!

TWO!

…but before the referee can count to three, Thugg reaches into the ring and pulls him out! Before the referee can even think about admonishing him, Thugg punches him in the face! The referee goes down!

*Curry: The World Champion just knocked out the referee!

*NTD: So what? It’s not like he’s never done that before.

*Curry: Oh, shut your hole.

Fallout looks down at Thugg, looking very pissed off. He slingshots himself over the top rope into a cross-body attack…but Thugg catches him! He presses Fallout over his head and throws him back into the ring! Thugg grabs the steel chair Fallout used earlier and takes it back into the ring with him. Fallout gets up, but Thugg sends him back down to the mat with a vicious chair shot!

*Curry: This man is absolutely scary! Look at the chair!

*NTD: Fallout’s head did that? Damn!

Thugg throws down the steel chair. Stevens is starting to stand, using the ropes to pull himself up. Thugg takes no notice. He’s busy with Fallout. Thugg helps Fallout back up, and he applies an inverted facelock. Thugg lifts Fallout up into the air…AND PLANTS HIM WITH THE THUGG PASSION!!!

*Curry: Fallout just tasted Thugg Passion!

*NTD: Stick a fork in Fallout. He’s done.

*Curry: Trust me on this one, folks. HVille Thugg is not Mark Stevens’ new best friend. He’s merely sending a message to the #1 contender for his title.

Little does Thugg know that Stevens is up, and has the steel chair in his hands! Thugg turns around to face Stevens…who nails him in the head with the steel chair! Thugg just stands there, looking as angry as ever! The chair shot had no effect! Stevens winds up and nails Thugg in the head with the chair again, but again the chair has no effect! Stevens decides that it’s time to take a different approach…and he kicks Thugg in the gonads! This does have an effect. Thugg stays on his feet, but he grabs at his crotch and groans in pain. Stevens drops the chair on the mat. Then he grabs Thugg, applies a front facelock…and DDT’s Thugg into the steel chair!

*Curry: Thugg is down! “Grand Slam” just took HVille Thugg down!

*NTD: You have got to be kidding me!

Stevens climbs outside the ring and grabs the referee, who is starting to come around. He helps the referee back into the ring. Stevens climbs back in as well, and he walks up to Fallout, who is still down from the Thugg Passion. Stevens gives the signal for a home run, and then he lifts Fallout up and applies a standing head scissors. Stevens hooks the right arm…then the left…AND HE PLANTS FALLOUT WITH THE WALK OFF!!!

*Curry: Walk Off! Stevens hit the Walk Off!

Stevens hooks the leg, and the referee crawls into position…

ONE!

TWO!

THREE!!!

DING DING DING

“Born Bad” begins to play. The referee raises Stevens’ hand, and then Stevens exits the ring and starts to walk out, leaving Fallout and Thugg lying in the ring.

*Funyon: The winner of this match…”GRAND SLAM” MARK STEVENS!!!

*Curry: I don’t believe it! Mark Stevens has pinned Fallout! And he took out the HVille Thugg!

*NTD: Did I mention how much I HATE CARNIES!?

*Curry: Unbelievable! “Grand Slam” Mark Stevens laid out both the World Champion and the #1 contender in one night!

*NTD: Would it be safe to say that business has picked up?

*Curry: That’s an understatement. Business has shot right through the freakin’ roof! Stevens is walking tall! Fallout and the Thugg are lying in the ring! What will this lead to on Smarkdown?

Goodnight everybody.

April 14, 2002

TRIPLE THREAT MATCH

Perfect Bo vs. Johnny Rotten vs. Sacred

- Rotten wins by DQ due to a Sacred chairshot. But the everything's forgiven between Sacred and Bo...awwww.

HARDCORE TITLE MATCH

- Pete squishes Prophet.

NON-TITLE SINGLES MATCH

Hville Thugg vs. Thoth

- Thugg wins by...DQ. Oh boy.

3-WAY ELIMINATION MATCH FOR THE LIGHT-HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE

- Magnifico beats up 2 women! For shame!

NO-DQ US TITLE MATCH

- Controversy abounds!

SINGLES MATCH

Mark Stevens vs. Fallout

- Yet another person puts over the other guy in his match. Fallout's match, but Thugg wins...

SWF Storm (April 13, 2002)

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