Bill Simmons Wrestlemania Diary

[Guest Bottled Black]

Here's another article for everyone to shit all over.

 

Royal Rumble '02

[MarvinisaLunatic]

4:01 -- The Boys Choir of Harlem kicks things off with our National Anthem, interspersed with heartwarming shots of our troops in Iraq. Almost makes you forget what happened 13 years ago, when Vince McMahon capitalized on the first Iraqi War by turning Sgt. Slaughter into an Iraqi sympathizer. Classy move.

 

How true.

 

5:14 -- All right, I'll ask: Why is the Rock still wrestling? Isn't he making like $15 million a movie now? I still remember seeing him at the Icon in Houston with a seven-person entourage, including two bodyguards who had those earpiece thingies. Now he's getting chest-slapped by the decrepit Flair. The WWE must be like the Mafia -- you can't leave. Ever.

 

True again.

 

6:33 -- Goldberg pins Lesnar. Gee, that never happens -- someone losing a big match when they're on their way out of the WWE? I'm beginning to think this stuff is fixed.

 

(Stone Cold ends up cleaning house -- first Lesnar, then Goldberg. Yeah, it's always a good idea to have your crippled has-beens beating up guys in their prime who should be carrying the company. Savvy. Just a brutal match all around.)

 

Ditto

[Guest Brian]

I'll say it again, but Austin's going to be there in the future and neither of those two are. And if one of them does come back, they could set up a good money match given Austin can still go one more time. They had to put over Austin.

[Darthtiki]

I'll say that the article is about 50/50 on his take on the show, but my bitch is how he can put Hogan/Warrior at WMVI as one of his top five matches and not put HBK/Bret Iron Man in there. What the blue bloody hell is with that?

 

 

 

 

 

 

[KingPK]

....His opinion, maybe?

 

Hey, he's been an off and on fan for the last few years, so you can't blame him if he's not sacrificing goats at the altar of Eddie and Benoit. He had some pretty good lines:

 

5:46 -- Sable announces that she and Tori "would like to start the match with our evening gowns off." The crowd goes insane. What's the over-under for number of virgins in attendance at MSG right now? At least 60 percent, right? And yes, I wish I could bet on things like "One of these ladies will reenact the Janet Jackson breast flash in the next 10 minutes."

 

5:52 -- Tori pins Miss Jackie, pulling down her underwear for good measure. TiVo time! "You're telling me this is FCC-compliant?" the Sports Gal hisses. "This is gross. It's nothing but crotch shots." Yeah, but still.

 

5:53 -- Somebody just stormed off. And it wasn't me.

 

6:39 -- How 'bout this announcement: WrestleMania XXI is coming ... to L.A.! Woohoo! That's where I live!

 

6:40 -- Just shared my excitement with the Sports Gal, who paused for a few seconds, then responded, "Great," her voice laden with sarcasm. Does anyone know a good divorce lawyer?