PROMO: "Who Is Todd Cortez?"

[Chuck Woolery 0]

"Who the FUCK is Todd Cortez, Scott?"

 

Snap-fade in on Mike Van Siclen, angrily exiting his car and slamming the door behind him. "No, Scott, does it sound like I'm fucking kidding? Who is Todd Cortez, and what the fuck happened to you?"

 

Our camera apparently has a revelation, as a voice on the other end of the line can be heard. "I told you, Mike, I went out to play rugby with some friends of mine and wound up dislocating my shoulder. You can't hold me accountable for that!"

 

"Oh, I can't? I can't hold you accountable for that? I can abso-fucking-lutely hold you accountable for this! We get a tag title shot and you..." Mike sneers, his voice dripping with sarcasm, "dislocate your shoulder playing rugby."

 

"I'm sorry, Mike, but look -- I got you a replacement."

 

"Great, Scott. Should I be excited? This was supposed to be us winning the belts, man. The cool kids. The In Crowd."

 

"Mike..."

 

"Scott, I'd arranged all our pyros. I'd gotten the rights to our music. Hell, I even got us matching tights."

 

"Mike..."

 

"I hope this guy wears your fucking size, Scott, or I'm going to be pissed off."

 

"Mike..."

 

"Moreso than I am right now, and let me tell you Scott, I am pretty fucking pissed. What kind of American plays rugby, anyway?"

 

"MIKE, for God's sake, shut up for a second. This guy's going to be phenomenal."

 

"Phenomenal, Scott? You know what'd be really phenomenal? Scott Thompson and Mike Van Siclen."

 

"Yeah, well, that's not going to happen. Look, I faxed you all this guy's information -- check him out before you write off this tag title match."

 

"Fine, Scott, but if he fucks up, I am holding you personally accountable."

 

"Fine."

 

Mike snaps his phone shut, stepping into his apartment building. He rides the elevator to his floor and gets out, entering his modest studio apartment. He grabs a sheet of paper from his fax machine, reading it aloud.

 

"URBAN LEGEND TODD CORTEZ... urban legend? That can't end well.

 

HEIGHT, SIX FEET. WEIGHT, 226 POUNDS... well, he's got more muscle mass than Scott did.

 

HOMETOWN, THE STREETS. AGE, 20. Sounds like Tim Dillon would if he was from Harlem.

 

FINISHING MANEUVER, MIRACLE ECSTASY BOMB A.K.A. "URBAN ASSAULT"... not bad, not bad at all.

 

BIOGRAPHY..."

 

Mike reads silently to himself, looking over the story of Todd Cortez. At moments he murmurs key phrases.

 

"Todd Cortez is a young man who has seen all too much in his short life... vowed to never resort to the "low road" of drugs and alcohol... focused on growing up to be the keeper of his family, protected them at all costs... took part in his high school wrestling team, winning the State Championship for his division... some view Todd as too cocky for his own good, and as having a chip on his shoulder... Todd feels his straight edge lifestyle proves he's better than most people out there... Todd can back up his boasts whether in the ring or on the street."

 

Mike crumples the paper up, throwing it away casually. "Sounds like a nice enough kid... and under the guidance of Mike Van Siclen, he's going to become a winner. Janus and Aecas, Tom and Annie, be warned... Mike Van Siclen's still coming for you, and Todd Cortez is going to assist me in kicking your ass. You're looking at the new tag champion, baby..."

 

Mike grins. "Now get that camera the fuck out of here."

Edited April 11, 2004 by Chuck Woolery

[Hank Kingsley 0]

Hey, nice promo to establish the sudden change in persona for Mike's tag partner. It was really needed, since Cortez is really just an untalented oattoast reject.

[The Amazing Rando 0]

if i would have remembered to send in my promo for Storm (which will be posted in the next few days), there would have been TWO Tim Dillon name-drops in the last 3 days.

 

Which is somewhat uncalled for.