your MIGHTY WWE SMACKDOWN WOKRATE REPORT-4/29/04!

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

The wife cooked fabulous steaks and I bought a 12 of the Southpaw LIGHT (BECUZ IT'S 6%!) so I'm getting pretty busted up pretty quick. This quite possibly will suck. Yes, quite possibly.

 

WHAT WORKED-

 

- Hey, Kurt Angle isn't dead! He is in a wheelchair. He is upset that the people don't grasp the gravity of his retirement. He plugs I'M STILL ALIVE and it's great. He loves his network and all the people in it! I await him saying at some point, "I can never be America's Top Model!" HE BLAMES TORRIE WILSON! After he blames YOU, you useless motherfucker. You disgust me with your Kurt Angle crippling. Look at you- so HIIIGH AND MIGHTY. Torrie comes to the ring dressed as a complete flOOOOOOOOzy. KURT CAN NO LONGER HAVE SEX WITH HIS WIFE! YEAH, FUCK YOU TORRIE! Laugh at THIS, bitch! Ya BITCH! Torrie acts like she is in Mother's Day Part 3 as she reacts to Renee Dupre's match with her being NO DQ!

 

- THE SECRET ADVENTURES OF AL WILSON:

 

"It is ztupid for us to fight over my opinion of Herr President Reagan."

 

"Well, you might be right. It ain't like I fucking love his Hollywood ass since I been out a job for two months now, but you now what, my brothah, that's prolly because folks our age ain't supposed to get ahead yet."

 

"Probably. I don't have to like it. Fuck, agree vith you. But you must also know that I am an AMERICAN, motherfucker- no matter vere I vas born. I am an AMERICAN. I can say vat I vant. I vill beat you to death right now, but NOW zat I love you az a fellow America."

 

"So I guess it's on. What you feel, you kraut nazi motherfucker."

 

"Before I completely kill you, know TOO zat I MY PARENTS VUR KILT BY THE GODDAMNED NAZIS! I LOVE YOU AS MEIN AMERICAN BROTHER, AND NOW I VILL BEAT YOU TO DEATH!"

 

"Ain't nothin to it but to do it, motherfucker. My daddy was killed by Tareyton 100s. You better come hard as wedding dick, motherfucker."

 

"HARD AS A VEDDING DICK IS AS HARD AS I VILL COME!"

 

Billy Ray judo flips Baron to the ground and bites a piece of his ear. Baron rolls him over and elbows Billy Ray across the nose. Blood flies out of his nose like a geiser.

 

"Awwwww MOTHERFUCKAH!" He looks at the blood on his hands and he dives into the stomach of Baron and unleashes a flurry of punches to Baron's face- Billy Ray's knuckles skinned from smashing into Baron's teeth.

 

"Oh FUCK ZIS!" Baron punches Billy Ray in the throat and Billy Ray collapses for a moment. Baron waits for him to rise. He sizes up Billy Ray and Billy Ray's eyes roll back white in sheer rage. "SHIT FUCK MOTHERFUCKAAAAAAH" and Billy Ray charges at Baron.

 

Baron catches Billy Ray with an elbow across the top of the head and Billy Ray rolls to the ground. Baron's face goes completely blank. He locks his fingers around his wrist. He grabs Billy Ray's hair and pulls his head back and looks into his eyes. Billy Ray spits in Baron's face as Baron lunges into procuring the CLAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW.

 

- Renee Dupreee FINALLY exposes his giant wang. I am a heterosexual man and I'm far more fascinated by Dupree's wang than Torrie's sweet ass. Cena's Keith Jackson jersey is a perfectly fine choice. Dupree doesn't use his wang to hypnotize Cena like he has hypnotized all of America. It is a fabulous wang. I cannot fight the wang. I heart the wang. Renee post match is HI-larious. "HE DID NOT RESPECT YOUR WISHES!" Angle blames Cena for violence in America and so do I. And without the French there would be no America. Marquis de Lafayette. Rochambeau. RENNIE DUPREE'S WANG! God bless America.

 

- Chavo Senior is the greatest thing in the entire fucking history of wrestling. GAGNE, YOU OWE ME 400 DOLLARS FROM 1985, MOTHERFUCKER! COME ON OUT AND GET YOUR ASSBEATING! His son is a fine wrestler too. Nunzio bumps like a psycho early. Chavo beats Nunzio like a little bitch and the crowd wants Eddy to come out. Nunzio throws a crappy lariat and goes on the offense. Chavo Sr help Chavo hit the shittiest variation of a Reverse Gorie Bomb Ever. Chavo Jr gets on the stick. The crowd yells Rey Misterio to Chavo when he asks about the greatest Cruiserweight of all time! WHERE IS THE COMPETITION?!?! Chavo challenges- OPENLY challenges- any cruiserweight WORLDWIDE! The Bolivian cruiserweights are called out personally! Come on, Bolivians! You pussies! I await a OVW cruiserweight to get the shit beaten out of him next week.

 

- Locally on UPN 65, we have commercials for Ruby's Beauty Supplies and they so smoke whatever local commercials you saw.

 

- Josh and Booker T have CHEMISTRY. Booker T is happy to be with Josh. Josh pisses off Booker T. Their faces get really close to each other but the show goes to a commercial before the new romance can blossom. Josh is a broken man since Brock left. He is given hope by this sudden new shocking love.

 

- Angle as Professor Xavier the Commisioner is getting fun. Josh has to be put into his place. Angle talks about Booker T justifying his love. UT IS WRESTLING NEXT WEEK! I WAS GFOING TO BE SARCASTIC BUT UT HASN'T HAD A LEGIT SHITTY MATCH IN ONE YEAR!

 

- RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Charlie refuses to come out. Miss Jackie loans Charlie some trunks! He could come out NAKED! Charlie is coming out and it will all be FABULOUS! We go to a commercial and I would like all of us to take a moment and think about CRZ's long purty hair..... mmmmm herbal essence..... hey, this EVE show looks cool. Rico comes to the ring. he is from Las Vegas and he is FLAMBOYANT! Charlie comes out and his pants are completely NOT odd looking at all. I wanted AT LEAST one BUTT cheak sticking out. The Bashams come out with their far more fascinating pants. Rico is godlike assuming the Ricky Starr spots. BUTT-SPANKIN! Charlie is distressed. MORE BUTT-SPANKIN! Charlie starts buttfucking Danny Basham and it's all so odd. At first. Charlie does a cool as fuck armdrag. Charlie does the Psicosis bump into the ringpost and Rico is like a weenie-touching Robert Gibson on the apron. The Bashams work on Charlie's shoulder and it's TRULY a Gay Form Of A Southern Tag Match. Rico makes the hot tag and they edit EVERY aspect of his offense. Rico rubs his junk on a Basham and they have a fabulously homoerotic finish and I truly love it. Rico rules. Charlie rules. RULES.

 

- Justin Bradshaw Leyfield's Pat Buchanonesque commercial is soooo fucking great. This is AAA 1994 taken to the highest conceptual form. Smackdown is booked to the Redneck/Latino audience and it is so fucking awesome.

 

- EDDY IN THE COUP DE VILLE! AWWEESOME. Cadillacs make me proud to be an American. Eddy wrestles Bubba and it is a 5 star carry job two weeks in a row. Bubba bumps big to make me care and Eddy hits the PLANCHA ENOOOOOOORME! And we go to a commercial.... mmm chamomille.... GOD! TWO Trojan ads? Come on kids, I'm tellin ya- Trojans, ya can't bank on them. Bubba has Eddy in a Sleepah JUST LIKE LAST WEEK! Bubba with the head scissors. Eddy kicks to the head to escape. Bubba misses the elbow drop. Eddy does FULL RICKY STEAMBOAT COMEBACK and goes into the triple locomotion suplexes. REF BUMP! Bubba Bomb and the ref is still bumped to set up the two count. Eddy DDT's to TRANSITION! Eddy with the roll-up out of the Dudley's Doomsday Device Attempt and we await the JBL attack. Cole uses the term "Damn" wrong! RVD WITH THE SAVE! I AWAIT THE TAG MATCH. DOUBLE LOVE MACHINE SPLASHES! Professor Angle is not pleased. Fun little Smackdown. Angle makes the TAG MATCH! Booking makes me give a shit!

WHAT DIDN'T WORK-

 

- MUGAtaker doesn't show up.

 

- RVD is pissed off. Or really high. He coulda got some ditchweed. I would be pissed off to. RVD calls out the Dudleys! Where is my BEER?!? Paul E comes out and talks about what is to be E C W. Heyman talks about "his dudleys". The Dudleys come out and beat the shit out of RVD. Eddy comes out and saves RVD for some reason. This can't lead to anything you'd ever want to see.

 

- Booker T and Billy Gunn wrestle a match. Sweet suplex by Billy. Decent punches and perfectly Nodawa variation. Then the unlikely offenses kick in. Crappy scissor kick. crappy crappy crappy. It's like Duke the Dumpster Drose vs Duke The Dumpster Drose. MUGAtaker! MUGAtaker! MUGAtaker! Booker T loks like Prince's older brother Benny Rogers Nelson with that hair. My spine forgets to be chilled and I await UT to work a 1976 Mid-Atlantic styled match again before I become too worked up. Booker T cheap shots UT and UT does a sit up. HE'S GOT THE URN! IT'S RETARDED!

 

- Bowflex returns. I assume that the MicroTouch is gone. Gone forever. You'll just have to live with all that hair on your neck.

 

- Trojan commercials on a wrestling show? They want MORE WWE drooling idiot fans because when you are deep into the LOOOOVE, a Trojan WILL break on you. I say go with the SHEIK ELITE. Carmel colored and when you wrap that rascal IT STAYS WRAPPED.

 

THERE YOU HAVE IT.

 

DEAN RASMUSSEN

[Conspiracy_Victim 0]

Soooooo.....Eddy saving RVD "can't lead to anything you'd ever want to see", and yet in the what worked saction it leads to STEREO LOVE MACHINE SPLASHES and booking that makes you give a shit? DEAN, you're supposed to throw away the bong water. Drinking it will kill your short term memory.

[RavishingRickRudo 0]

"So I guess it's on. What you feel, you kraut nazi motherfucker."

 

"Before I completely kill you, know TOO zat I MY PARENTS VUR KILT BY THE GODDAMNED NAZIS! I LOVE YOU AS MEIN AMERICAN BROTHER, AND NOW I VILL BEAT YOU TO DEATH!"

 

"Ain't nothin to it but to do it, motherfucker. My daddy was killed by Tareyton 100s. You better come hard as wedding dick, motherfucker."

 

Holy crud, that quite possibly changed my life forever.

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

Soooooo.....Eddy saving RVD "can't lead to anything you'd ever want to see", and yet in the what worked saction it leads to STEREO LOVE MACHINE SPLASHES and booking that makes you give a shit? DEAN, you're supposed to throw away the bong water. Drinking it will kill your short term memory.

SHUT UP! you.... SHUT UP!

[Guest Nater]

His duplicate tights?! Next week is going to be the joy of Haas when we get some of Rico's experimental cutoff shorts with fringe for a crotch. Rico certainly knows how to dress his special interest, and Haas is catching on and playing so hard to get that Miss Jackie wants to cuddle with the boys.

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

His duplicate tights?! Next week is going to be the joy of Haas when we get some of Rico's experimental cutoff shorts with fringe for a crotch. Rico certainly knows how to dress his special interest, and Haas is catching on and playing so hard to get that Miss Jackie wants to cuddle with the boys.

If it's not assless chaps, I'm not feeling Haas' outrage- especially since the Bashams have WAAAAY gayer pants in the SAME match.

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

"So I guess it's on. What you feel, you kraut nazi motherfucker."

 

"Before I completely kill you, know TOO zat I MY PARENTS VUR KILT BY THE GODDAMNED NAZIS! I LOVE YOU AS MEIN AMERICAN BROTHER, AND NOW I VILL BEAT YOU TO DEATH!"

 

"Ain't nothin to it but to do it, motherfucker. My daddy was killed by Tareyton 100s. You better come hard as wedding dick, motherfucker."

 

Holy crud, that quite possibly changed my life forever.

Those are actual quotes from when I useta hang sheetrock and do bodywork on cars with assorted hardcore Rednecks here in Richmond, VA. I actually was too drunk to remember to use my favorite thing I ever heard a redneck say before a fight: "What's it gonna be, motherfucker? Ain't nothing between you and me but fear and atmosphere." It was sooooo great.

[RavishingRickRudo 0]

You and I lead very different lives DEAN.

[Guest Nater]

"So I guess it's on. What you feel, you kraut nazi motherfucker."

 

"Before I completely kill you, know TOO zat I MY PARENTS VUR KILT BY THE GODDAMNED NAZIS! I LOVE YOU AS MEIN AMERICAN BROTHER, AND NOW I VILL BEAT YOU TO DEATH!"

 

"Ain't nothin to it but to do it, motherfucker. My daddy was killed by Tareyton 100s. You better come hard as wedding dick, motherfucker."

 

Holy crud, that quite possibly changed my life forever.

Those are actual quotes from when I useta hang sheetrock and do bodywork on cars with assorted hardcore Rednecks here in Richmond, VA. I actually was too drunk to remember to use my favorite thing I ever heard a redneck say before a fight: "What's it gonna be, motherfucker? Ain't nothing between you and me but fear and atmosphere." It was sooooo great.

Yes, but I feel the love~~

[The Decemberists 0]

Off topic I know but....

 

Why the hell is a Morrissey song lyric the sub-title for the thread!?!??

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

Off topic I know but....

 

Why the hell is a Morrissey song lyric the sub-title for the thread!?!??

Because I'm completely wild.