My Acclaimed Return to the Main Page

[Kinetic 0]

As a few of you may have noticed, I recently made my return to the main page with an article entitled "Eli Manning's Rookie Diary." Go read it. It's quite good. But for the purpose of clearing the air, I'd like to give you all some idea of the winding road that led me back to TSM, particularly in light of my infamous 2003 thread, "I'll Never Write Another Goddamned Word For This Second-Rate Piece of Shit Website."

 

It all began with my heavily coerced resignation from the site last March following the scandal caused by my explosive expose on child pornography rings in the Internet Wrestling Community, in which I implicated several founding members of this site. In retrospect, I probably jumped to a few conclusions on that one. But as any architecture student will tell you, for every door that closes a window opens. With that in mind, I set about attempting to parlay my legacy of journalistic excellence here into other, paying jobs. After months of futility and frustration, I was finally granted an opportunity with bucolic Eagle, Colorado's tiny Eagle Gazette. I was to be a sports writer, covering the Broncos and Rockies with an eye befitting the moniker of my new home. Sadly, I lasted only a few short months. I was really a bad fit from the get-go, but the straw that broke the camel's back was my Kobe Bryant story entitled "Laid Up Laker Takes Break From Lay Ups, Gets Laid." Fortunately, after a brief dalliance with the world of serious political commentary (more on which later), I got a second chance in the world of sports reporting when I was hired as a writer for the official website of football's Arizona Cardinals. This consisted mostly of puff pieces, such as short pieces on the signing of practice squad players and the like. And yet I still managed to rile enough people to prompt my firing, which I suspected was due in large part some angry letters the team got after my article "Pat Tillman: American Hero, Shitty Safety" was posted on the main page. Again, that headline may have an error in judgement on my part. I think part of the problem was the amount of creative freedom I enjoyed on my previous assignment as a staff writer for a conservative newsletter called "The Right Stuff." What a great gig that was. Imagine, then, how surprised I was when the editor asked for my resignation, citing the following infractions: recommending that Mount Rushmore be completely redesigned and re-named Mount Bushmore; claiming that Teresa Heinz Kerry had "ketchup streaming from her cooch" in my editorial on her husband's voting record in the senate; referring to the Democratic primaries as "a waste of time" and "fag tag" on 46 different occassions; creating a major flap by insisting that Howard Dean could fit an entire gopher in his mouth in my editorial on his opposition to the Iraq war; and then refusing to back down from the previous claim and subsequently accusing Michael Moore of winning a gopher eating contest. Whew! What a whirlwind three weeks that was!

 

But, anyway, the powers that be here at TSM have graciously accepted me back into the fold and I look forward to keeping all of you entertained and informed with my inimitable brand of "journalism." See you on the main page!

[Guest FrigidSoul]

Dames is holding out Lolita pics on us? That bastard

[Giuseppe Zangara 0]

I don't follow sports.

[Your Paragon of Virtue 0]

Hey now....

 

Pat Tillman is an all-pro.

 

And I found the article to just seem lazy or rushed or something, just illicited a "meh" response. Basically, I found your gimmickry to be much better, especially Metal Ed.

[Skywarp! 0]

Is it bravery or lack of common sense that would compel you to write articles like that?

[Art Sandusky 0]

WHOOSH

[PLAGIARISM! 0]

I wouldn't read a long winded post that meant nothing to me by anyone else.

[Guest cobainwasmurdered]

meh. You've done better Kinetic. Much better.

[Giuseppe Zangara 0]

I don't follow sports.

In spite of this, I read the piece and was not very amused by it. Amusement was the feeling I should've experienced, right?

 

I liked the first post of this thread, though.

[Guest reshad974]

I don't follow sports.

good to see you here david. how do you feel about Friends ending its run ? anyway, thanks for all this laughs over the years.

[Guest Banders Kennany]

I bet David will become nothing now that his meal ticket just got punched on Friends. And I also didn't like the article David....I felt like I wasted my time reading it, so we are on the same wave-length somewhat.

[Guest The Winter Of My Discontent]

I actually don't read anything on the website, should I?

[Guest Agent of Oblivion]

It's really hit or miss, usually miss, but that's because they rarely write about anything I give a damn about. Not their fault.

[Guest cobainwasmurdered]

It's really hit or miss, usually miss, but that's because they rarely write about anything I give a damn about. Not their fault.