your MIGHTY WWE SMACKDOWN WORKRATE REPORT-5/20/04!

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

Hey! I'm moved in and I'm bustin loose with the shitty AOL dail-up still until tomorrow when the DSL kicks in. Chesterfield county has the greatest Kroger ever with the Beer That Made Milwaukee Famous for $4.59 A TWELVE. I also got a six of Molson Canadian. I figured that sooner of later Smackdown will start sucking as much dick as it's always hyped to suck so I got back-up ready.

 

WHAT WORKED-

 

- Eddy's lowrider was balls out. Eddy starts shit with Bradshaw's hat. Ewwww lookit the blood on the brim. Eddy puts Bradshaw's hat into his BUTT and that makes Eddy want the ladies. Then he remembers that he has to beat the shit out of Bradshaw tonight. Eddy says "ass" TWICE! It must be ON! Bradshaw comes out and turns down a title shot. That's fucking retarded. Bradshaw is a pussy and doesn't tell him in Mexican. Eddy says "ass" a third time signifying a blood feud. Angle comes out and it grinds to a halt. I'm going to go change into my green sweatpants. Sing stripping music in your head and think about my sweet sweet hinder squeezing past the draw string. Yeeeeaaaaaaaah! SIX MAN TAG! Sure, I'll watch.

 

- Oh cool. The Eddy Guerrerro Prime time special.

 

- Charlie hasn't given to Rico's influence. The FBI show up and ya talk about Jabronie Squash. Rico will make it amusing. Stromboli throws amusing punches but luckily I mark for Haas's cool ass armdrags. Tazz talks about how his giant penis looks like Nunzio's arm in Rico's armlock. We have BUTTSMACKIN! and you're STOKED. Rico bumps like a FREAK and Nunzio flies into homophobic rage. The bull with a perfectly fine spinebuster and we have a preposterous hot tag. nunzio comes clean with his feeelings and kisses Rico but Haas is having enough issues wihtout this weird new factor factored in so he opts to do a fabulous EVEREST German Suplex and what could have been a shitty squash match becomes a slightly less shitty squash match.

 

- THE SECRET ADVENTURES OF AL WILSON:

 

Billy Ray writhes in the mud as blood spews out hhis temples. Baron's tendons in his hands are steel cables and he finally fights his hand back enough to guarantee that his victim will not die. Baron has some odd uncontrollable realizations "Vait. Reagan vasn't so bad. Carter vas zuch a pussy zat ve needed somevun like Reagan." Baron releases the Claw and falls back confused.

 

Billy Ray is confused as he rolls away from Baron. He is quickly lost in his own new thoughts. "Susan? Who the fuck is Susan? And why do I want to fuck her so damn bad?"

 

Both shake their heads and catch each others eye and decide to go back to beating the shit out of each other.

 

- CHAVO CLASSIC! is the fucking KING at setting up the three way. The Wang and his life support system walk the halls- poking things. Getting large. Shrivelling up. Comparing cockrings. Talking to his two little pals. The life of the Wang is a footloose and fancyfree existence and we all revel in the Wang's youthful freedom. Yes. We are ALIVE through the Wang.

 

- Rene is not beloved in Las Vegas. Tazz is COMPLETELY SPRUNG- turning against the US of A and going for the man with the Wang in his pants. i like to make jokes about the Wang but it is SOOOO cutting off half the ring like the Anderson Brothers. Maybe some duct tape is in order. Renee IS a truly shitty wrestler so maybe that's why his dick is so prominent in these matches. Tazz falls in with the French and his homosexual idolization is all things Wang is heartwarming. And we go to a commercial. Join me as we think about CRZ by a roaring river- his naked hair flying through the stream, the Pert bubbling as it rinses out- heartbroken anbd cursing the water because it can no longer touch the beloved hair of CRZ.... Cena goes straight into the pole as we return. Cena throws very ungood punches. Dupree does the shittiest Fujiwara armbar ever. Dupree is so the new Lex Luger- wrestlewise. Psychology of the match is smart- as Cena can sell really well and a simple match of Dupree working over the arm is perfectly acceptable wrestling. Cena sells the arm while Renee bumps all over the ring for Cena comeback. This match is becoming actually good. Renee takes a big backbump on the floor and on the stairs. It alls sucks as Cena is kicked in the balls and can't answer the ten count? What the fuck? Postmatch, Dupree does his little dance after a high-lariously shitty Michinoku Driver.

 

- Tazz drops Tatsumi Fujinami's name and I wonder why he didn't mention Mondo. chavo and CHAVO CLASSIC beat the shit out of Spyke early. CHAVOs are so the Villanos double teaming and YOU love it. CHAVO CLASSIC on offense is soooo fucking great. Fuck, Fit Finlay and CHAVO CLASSIC wold be the greatest tagteam EVER. CHAVOS Villano the plancha and the double headscissors and they are Rudoing like Angel Mortal and Murabunta. CHAVO CLASSIC WINS! CHAVO CLASSIC WINS! CHAVO CLASSIC WINS! FUCKING AWWWWESOME! AWESOME! AAAAAAAAAAAWESOME! I am soooo fucking stoked. I thought Smackdown was supposed to suck?

 

- Booker T goes to the ring after Funaki pulled his punk card during the interview. Funaki is killed slowly and I await the match the CHAMPION CHAVO CLASSIC! Funaki bleeds for some reason. Longish squash works this week for no real reason. My guess is my own personal drunkeness. Ah you magic Schlitz.

 

- Dudleys and Bradshaw versus Misterio, RVD and... hey, here comes Angle. I shall get another beer. Another week, another stupid booking decision to keep Eddy from wrestling on my TV. Bradshaw whomps on Misterio and then Bradshaw is perfectly fine rudoing the offense of Misterio. D-Von busts up RVD. I'm so not hating RVD for some reason. I blame my own drunkenness. Cole sucks using the word "damn" and he fills me with laufter as he is full of disgust. Bradshaw hits a NICE AWA Elbowdrop. Misterio tags in and he and Bradshaw have a WEIRDLY GOOD section. What the fuck? Should Rey Rey and Bradshaw have a fued? They are magic together. We go to a commercial and try to have a less creepy fantasy about CRZ's pretty hair. AND ANOTHER FUCKING TROJAN COMMERCIAL. SEE BELOW. Coming back, we miss the whole transition to the heels on offense. Misterio is beaten to death. Rey Rey is in the Abdominal Stretch and EDDY COMES OUT! It is soooo awesome because the crowd is super white hot for the tag. Bubba Ray with the first cut off. Eddy with the hot tag and the shitty SHOOT ANGLE finish. Booooooooooooooooooooooooo. Rey Rey is GOD.

 

WHAT DIDN'T WORK-

 

- Funaki replaces Josh and WE- you and I- ARE FUCKING MOTHERFUCKING PISSED! Funaki has no odd chemistry with anyone. THE GIANT DOESN'T WANT TO FUCK FUNAKI. FUCK THIS SHIT! FUCK THIS! FUCK. THIS. FUCK. THIS. SHIT. WHAT THE FUCK?!?!

 

- Billy Kidman. Akio. We await the Undertaker. Oh, okay. It's Mordecai. Let me go get another beer. Think of some Al Jarreau light jazz and think of me whimsically periouet through the kitchen and open up a Molson Canadian. I roll it across my brow and smile at you. I pop the cap and pour some between my rock hard pecs. Ah, it's over. Cole and Tazz trying to cover for the immense shittiness of Morticai is far better than any actual Kidman match so I can't get too upset. I mean it really sucked dick. Don't get me wrong.

 

- Fucking Trojan condoms. SEE. SEE. SEE. You guys aren't old! Take it from me, you punk ass youngsters- USE SHEIK ELITES. It's hard enough to use protection. To RUIN your life because you USED PROTECTION and it BREAKS is the shittiest way to ruin your life. You don't even get the JOY of riding bareback (you are now fantisizing about riding your rotund recapper bareback and there is no way I can get you back on topic) and STILL fucked your life up. Shiek's never made me ever have a week of worrying. Trojan's did ONCE. Luckily, nothing happened but FUCK IT- I've conceived children since then so my semen work like a motherfucker if you unleash it. I'm just telling you: Sheik Elites don't break. That's all I'm telling you. Listen to me- I'm old and drunk and kicked more motherfuckers redneck asses than you could ever imagine. Fuck yeah.

 

THERE YOU HAVE IT.

 

DEAN RASMUSSEN.

[Guest thatdude21601]

I was angry that Mordecai broke up a perfectly fine CW match, but thanks to you good Sir...I was reminded it involved Kidman.

[Guest Man Of 1,004 Modes]

Whats wrong with Mordecai? He squashed KIDMAN and did some impressive power mvoes for the 20 seconds they gave him instead of an actual match. Akio selling like a champ is good too.

 

If ANYONE thinks WWE will do something noteworthy with the CW, they need to come back to reality fast.

 

Mordecai was the ONLY interesting part of SD according to the 1 page of the OAO SD thread.

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

Whats wrong with Mordecai? He squashed KIDMAN and did some impressive power mvoes for the 20 seconds they gave him instead of an actual match. Akio selling like a champ is good too.

 

If ANYONE thinks WWE will do something noteworthy with the CW, they need to come back to reality fast.

 

Mordecai was the ONLY interesting part of SD according to the 1 page of the OAO SD thread.

Putting the belt on Chavo Guerrerro Sr is so motherfucking great and makes up for the three CW squashes. Yes it does.

[Guest Nater]

Strapidental Chavo Sr of the bewildered wang veteran.

 

I love Haas still having too much love for his behymen to walk the walk, these guys need some more love.

 

Had Bradshaw any talent, my television would have a chip in it from the throwing of various couch-ready objects because of the refusal of a match. Wall Street, Schmall Street.

[Jobber of the Week 0]

I just want to mention here that I've been playing one of those online pay-per-month RPG games recently, and there was a character in the middle of a town called Al Wilson.

 

I seriously considered making a Baron character on the spot to see if he reads DEAN's stuff or just remembers the shitty angle.

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

I just want to mention here that I've been playing one of those online pay-per-month RPG games recently, and there was a character in the middle of a town called Al Wilson.

 

I seriously considered making a Baron character on the spot to see if he reads DEAN's stuff or just remembers the shitty angle.

He might have been enthralled by the thespianic tour-de-force that was Al Wilson- Mounter Of Leathery Valets.