PROMO - Rock Bottom

[Guest Evolution]

"Ugh...this thing on?"

 

The scene comes to life, a green glow filling the screen as John Duran takes a seat on what appears to be the edge of a hotel bed, likely a hotel somewhere close to the General Motors Place, Duran following his custom of arriving early for shows and training in town for his matches.

 

Only training is the last thing that Duran appears to be doing.

 

With a bottle in his right hand, one can only guess from Duran's face that it is some kind of alcohol. His eyelids droop over his eyes. He's slouching as he looks up into the camera, the part of the iris visible to the camera illuminated with the night vision from the camcorder.

 

"Ooookay. So I'm coming to you from my hotel room...and this...is for all the Week In Review viewers watching on their idiot boxes."

 

Duran takes a swig from the bottle--about half of it has already disappeared.

 

"I know what you're thinking," Duran continues, speaking to the camera, "where's the cameraman? Well, what they didn't show on that little program is the part where I beat the crap out of Gus when I lost the STRAP!"

 

Visibly drunk, Duran takes another sip from what couldn't have been the only bottle he's touched tonight.

 

"But that...that's okay. Because you see, ever since Mister Dannnnnnny beat ME for the title!...I've been sinking like a heavy turd in the toilet."

 

Something stirs behind Duran--the sheets shift their position. Duran takes a glance back and then focuses back on the camera, his body lurching forward as he appears ready to expel all that liqour. Fortunately, it turns into a burp.

 

"Now I'm at rockkkkkkkkkk bottom. And you know what they say about people like me...there's only one way to go...UP!"

 

Duran screams the last word and points to the ceiling as the sheets shift again--whatever's under the sheet isn't speaking, however. John doesn't even bother to look back, simply taking another drink and looking at the camera.

 

"Nathannnnnnnnnnnnniel Kibagami...you made your threats to me...you threatened me...and I tell you what, Nate DAAAAAAWG...you scared the bejesus out of me, boy..."

 

A series of chortles escape Duran's lips, turning into snorting and eventually coughing as vomiting once again seems imminent. The Notorious One stifles the coughs by taking another drink of the booze.

 

"But I'm moving back up! JUST LIKE WHEEZY, BABY! I'm coming for that belt, Naaaaaaaaaaaaaate. It's gonna be mine, because I'm moving up! Ain't nothing you can do about that!"

 

A sickly grin crosses Duran's face, the brain cells frying like so many eggs. The grin fades quickly, however.

 

"And if I can be serious for a moment," Duran leans in closer to the camera, "Tom, you know we're tight. I saw what you were doing with Allison before the show. I was just wonderin'...Allison got any other siblings besides that BITCH Ann? I don't want your girl, Tom, don't get me wrong...just asking you to hook a brother up, bro! I need someone to stick my notoriety in, if you get my drift!"

 

Duran has gone into full-blown laughter by now, holding his side and taking another drink from the bottle, which is almost gone.

 

"I mean, I got this Vancouver skank laying in bed with me now...but come on, Tom! You...you're the Suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuperior One!" Duran once again looks like he's about to split himself with laughter, but recovers to continue. "Oh well, it won't matter. I'm going to be getting plenty of bitches soon enough! Because I'm rising to the top! Gonna take that belt off Naaaaaaaaaaate DAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWG!"

 

More laughing, Duran is barely finding anytime to breathe at this point. John finally gets his laughter under control and leans in close to the camera, almost stumbling into the tripod holding the camera in place.

 

"After tonight, I'm going to stop drinking, and I'm going to become the champeeeeeeen! And this time I'll hold onto that belt like it was my CHILDREN! This is my last drink...right heeeeere."

 

Duran tips the bottle to his lips again, drinking the rest of the bottle, swallowing five or six times before finally licking his lips and tossing the bottle to his side.

 

"That's damn good liquor...Okay. I'm going to cut down on the drinkies...but! I'll still get that belt back! Mark my words!"

 

The lurching burp comes back to Duran. "Ooh, almost lost the cookie there." Duran's annoying snorts fill the room again, and the hooker(?) seems very restless at this point.

 

"Alright. Time to make the donuts!"

 

Duran reaches up, fumbling with his hand off-camera and finally stopping the recording as we fade to black.

 

---

 

The picture comes back to life, sunlight streaking in through the hotel window as two big feet are shuffling along the ground, the camera apparently having just been knocked over.

 

"Ugh. My f--king head."

 

Duran steps into the bathroom, closing the door behind him as a message flashes in the bottom right hand corner.

 

"LOW BATTERY"

 

After a long view of the closed bathroom door, the image finally cuts to black, the batteries having been drained.

[Guest Beingz0wningj00]

NATE DAWG GET SMASHED BY THE JAY DAWG!!!

 

 

Oh yeah!

[Guest Evolution]

Darn, I was hoping that this promo would simply fade into the background.

 

Anyway, allow me to explain myself:

 

This is one of those promos where it wasn't absolutely necessary to write it, but I just had to anyway. I've been very inactive as far as actual writing goes for the SWF, and I just thought it would be a good idea to get something going for myself before Z excommunicated me for being a washed-up former champion.

 

Which is almost the idea of this promo: Duran has suffered a string of tough losses, and is drinking away his problems, but one swig of that booze must have done something to his brain to convince him that he needs to get back on the upswing. Naturally, he keeps talking in a drunken stupor before finally giving in. MVS is very accurate in saying that drunk promos rarely work--I was halfway through this and wondering why I was continuing.

 

In summation, this promo is admittedly terrible, but it was something that had to be done for me to get back into my mode.

 

...

 

That being said, expect me to no-show for the next show.

[Guest Fire and Knives]

I laughed, goddamn it. I can totally see this one happening. Now incorporate drunken kung-fu into your moveset and you'll be straight.

 

K.