RudoCurry Industries Present... THE DAY AFTER

[RavishingRickRudo 0]

RRR: Alarm rings at 8... wake up at 8:30. Head is hurtin and I don’t know why; maybe because of only a few hours sleep. Why only a few hours? Cause I was up all night thinkin about goin to SMACKDOWN! Watching the SUPERSTARS of the WWE; guys like BILLY GUNN! RICO! and SAKODA! Man, I was excited and the blood was flowing and the adrenaline was pumping - I could barely stay still in my bed! SMACKDOWN~! Ok, maybe I wasn’t that excited, but I was looking forward to the press conference and more importantly, the autograph session. I like autograph sessions because I look at it as a chance to ask a wrestler one question that they otherwise wouldn’t be asked or answer. Anyways, I wake up, shower, get dressed for success, and call up LOTC to see if he’s ready to go.

 

*ring*

 

“Hey, you up?”

 

“Yeah”

 

“You ready?”

 

“Yeah”

 

“Alright, I’ll be over in 5...”

 

“Yeah”

 

*click*

 

So I go over to pick him up in the DEATHBOAT, (otherwise known as a 1992 Chrysler Voyager who is akin to a 110 year old lady named Ethel - wanting to die, but no one will put her out of her misery - and since it can die at anytime, including on the highway in traffic, it may cause death to the occupants, hence the name), and breakfast was 2 Advils, cause I’m HARDCORE like that...and planned on blading in front of Vince at the press conference in hopes to get a spot on the roster... cause, if you’ve watched the WWE recently, that seems to be a key criteria.

 

LOTC- My alarm rings and I’m up, faded as fuck because I was up until 2 am trippin the light fantastic and watching Spongebob Squarepants. I have a delicious breakfast consisting of a glass of orange juice but no advils because I’m not as HARCORE as Rudo is. Rudo calls and tells me that he’s on his way and DEATH is coming with him, more specifically, DEATHBOAT. I cower in fear.

 

RRR: We arrive in T.O. around 10:30-ish and I -masterful driver and astute practitioner of being a good tour guide to young Curry - decide to take a romp around Yonge street rather than going directly to the ACC and whatever hellish parking lots surround it. LOTC may say it’s because I’m inept and a horrible driver who took about 30 minutes to aimlessly drive around, but deep down inside he knows its because I wanted him to see the city. He has never been there before, you know?

 

LOTC - The drive to Toronto is chock full of witty anecdotes and hilarious stories, the majority of which involves mocking the everloving fuck out of certain members of TSM whom, for popularity’s sake, will remain anonymous during this diatribe. Rudo, the master navigator that he is, manages to go in the same circle, TWICE. TWICE. How the fuck do you manage to go in a full circle twice?

 

RRR: We arrive at the ACC and see a lot of people lined up outside the building. “Ahahaha, the fools, they probably don’t have FRONT OF THE LINE ACCESS like we do, because we bought SMACKDOWN! tickets and were told that if you bought SMACKDOWN tickets you’d get bumped up to the FRONT OF THE LINE“. What they REALLY should have said was “The First 400 people who ask us for wrist bands get in, everyone else is FUCKED.” In retrospect, I really shouldn’t have taken that half hour detour cause we were in a lil line for those wristbands and there were like 12 people ahead of us and the last one was just given out; but shit, I figured it‘s SMACKDOWN! who‘d fucking by a ticket to see that show?

 

LOTC - I ask Rudo if I’m correct when I say that “Pro wrestling shows are the refuge of the damned” and he confirms that I am 100% correct in my assessment. I saw less white trash driving through the ghettos of Florida a month ago. Bad tattoos, bad tans, bad t-shirts. I feel my IQ raise 10 points just by breathing the same air as these mooks. I spot a dwarf/midget/little person and the 10 year old inside of me secretly marks out for their tiny-ness. Rudo spots the dwarf too but she was moving so drunkenly that the situation was kinda awkward and neither of us said anything until much later on. We were that touched by the show of public courage that little person made. But she was drunk so it was funny. The “First 400 wristband” security guard is a mega-tool and me and Rudo decide to say “Fuck the P.C” and go get some food because good food is better then hearing Jim Ross talk.

 

RRR: So with no wrist bands we go to grab a bite, cause we sure-as-shit ain’t gonna stay around for the press conference - which was in doors, which means you’d have to rub up against other wrestling fans *shudders*. We went to the Armadillo; I had the buffalo chicken fingers and an Ice Tea. Both were excellent; the best BCF I’ve had. The waitress was a cutie.

 

 

LOTC:We eat at the Armadillo Café and Grill and the food is bombastically good. Their veggie burger is a .8 on the Real Meat scale, whereas Rudo’s buffalo chicken fingers were a full 1.0 on the Real Meat scale. Good job, Rudo. The iced tea there was fucking boss, too. Though I must say I envy Americans and their iced tea because it’s a lot better then ours. The waitress was definitely a cutie and I swear that Rudo mentioned something about a Monroe Transfer when she walked away. He’s going to hate me for putting that down.

 

RRR: We walked around a bit, cause time had to be killed. We went to QUEEN VIDEO, cause I heard they had a bunch of old wrestling tapes... HOLY SHIT~! They didn’t just have old wrestling tapes, they had PRIDE!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!

 

LOTC: The Queen Video store puts my video store to shame because they have BARAKA SPECIAL EDITION which is cool, plus lots of old-school blaxploitation movies and oh-so-many shoot fighting tapes that Rudo lets drip down his chin in record time. I’m pissed because I really wanted to buy their copy of Dave Chappelle: Killing Them Softly on DVD but I couldn’t.

 

RRR: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

 

LOTC: So we decide to go see The Day After Tommorow. I consider trying to convince Rudo to see Mean Girls but I realize that it is probably a recipe for disaster. The movie is good and really really bad. The effects are nifty but nothing you haven’t seen in the commercials and that’s about the only good thing about it. The rest of the movie is chock-full of just about every action film cliché that you can think of. But that doesn’t matter at all. Ya know why? Because this movie had digital animals in it, more specifically, digital wolves or DIGIWOLVES as I call them. Me and Rudo mark out for the DIGIWOLVES and I ponder why the fuck they couldn’t afford real wolves. That question will haunt me to me grave.

 

RRR: I’ll confess this, I love -LOVE- apocalyptic movies. I liked the Postman and Waterworld and Battlefield Earth. Actually, I didn’t like that last one very much, but I *did* like the Postman. There’s something about the world coming to an end that I enjoy. C’mon, shut up, we deserve it. So I was deeply enamoured with this. Canada’s streak of not biting-it in motion pictures has come to an end; after narrowly escaping destruction in Deep Impact and not having been blown up by the Aliens in ID4, our due finally came. But I assume that our keen ability to absorb the cold, have kitchen parties and curl will keep us safe and everlasting.

 

I love the fact that this movie wasn’t about Global Warming; it wasn’t about incompetent administrations; it wasn’t about stupid reporters and digital wolves and incessant conflict with irrelevant plot points; it wasn’t even about young cancer patients and our humanity in times of crisis... no... oh no... it was about a boy who showed dad he got himself some. There is a scene at the end where Jake Gly... Ghl... Gall... Gggg... with Jake G., Dennis Quaid and the assortment of others on the helicopter leaving New York, and the lady of Jakes affections puts her head on his shoulder and Jake smiles and looks at his dad and his dad realizes that his son has got himself a girl and he smiles this big shit-eating grin as if to say “that‘s mah bohah” . After all the death, of friends and family, -billions of people dead and their lives irrevocably changed- everything was ok cause Jakey-boy was gonna get some pussy! THAT is what this story was about. “The Day after Tomorrow... Jake’s gettin laid”.

 

LOTC:So we grab some liquid refreshment at the Second Cup that we visited back when we saw Kevin Smith speak aka the night we learned how to Lay The Podium Down. I feel at home amongst the arty types but Rudo looks around at the place like an old white man stranded in the middle of Compton. I eat a really good rice crispy square and we’re off to the ACC.

 

RRR: The Rice Crispy Square (or “treat” to you motherfuckers out there) was good, but this faux Iced Cappuccino which sounded like a Mexican drink fucking sucked the ass. It was no Strawberry Fruit Thing With Ice that I had at the theatre which was the awesome. I went out and bought some frozen strawberries today and am going to blender that shit up with some ice and roll it out. Back to the topic, I’m afraid of coffee shops because people there are more pretentious than I am... god they make me want to look down on them on their fucking pedestals with their fucking paint brushes and 50 different styles of coffees. Whoopie-fucking-do, you drink without using a fucking straw, AIN’T YOU SOMETHIN!

 

LOTC: We decide not to stand in line but instead to sit down and watch all of the rubes line up for their precious wrestling show. We count about 10 or so kids that are all wearing the new “You Can’t See Me” shirt. Urge to kill…..rising. After the lineup begins to move along some middle-age fuckass with his Cena-wannabe son accuses me and Rudo of cutting in line. I explain to the guy that we were sitting here before he lined up here. Rudo says “That’s hostility, yo” and I concur.

 

RRR: So there we are, acting smug and superior to all these genetically unfortunate “fans” wearing chains and pad locks around their neck like it fucking matters, as we sit on the floor outside of the ACC (the area where the press conference was held). We mocked people who were standing up and who were trying to get closer-and-closer to the doors which clearly weren’t opening any time soon; cause really, you have a fucking ticket that reserves your seat for you, no one is going to steal it, you’re going to see the show, so why fucking act like you must get in there NOW? This line of thinking, while logical, does not take into account what I like to call “Wrestlemania 18 Skydome Syndrome” which is, “Hey, let’s take our sweet-ass time inspecting EVERY SINGLE FUCKING PERSONS SHIT CAUSE IT’S NOT LIKE THE SHOW IS STARTING ANY TIME FUCKING SOON!”. This thinking prevented us from seeing the heat match at WM 18 and fucked us into cold for almost 3 fucking hours. The WWE has been doing this for what, 20+ fucking years? You’d think they’d have this -along with autograph signings- down to a science, but instead of trying to improve the overall fan experience INCLUDING waiting in line for shit, they’d rather focus on doing nothing. Because that’s what they do best, really. So that probably explains why the WWE attracts such a crowd of toothless wonders; no person in their right fucking mind would take this bullshit. You’d seriously have to be RETARDED to continue supporting a company like this. Fortunately, we got in the arena before anything started AND I got to see my cousin Brooke, her husband Scott and my other cousins boyfriend Todd. They had much better tickets than us. That’s pretty much well the highlight of Smackdown! aside from one other thing which we’ll get to. The low-light was this 40 year old guy who yelled at Curry and me for cutting in front of his cripple son, which 1) we didn’t do and if we did 2)didn’t mean to and 3)A dozen people that day did and he didn’t say a single fucking thing to them. Fuck, he’s going on the list along with the door man at this bar who wouldn’t let me go back in to get my hat. CAN YOU SEE NOW WHY I WANT THIS WORLD TO DIE?!??!??! AAAAARGH! SUBURBIAN WHITE MALE RAGE!!!

 

LOTC: The show begins and I’m glad that we didn’t pay more for our seats. The opening match is some dude vs Carly Colon and I’m worried for a few minutes that all of a sudden The Cats butler is being allowed to wrestle. Afroman wins with some version of The Downward Spiral (I think V. 453).

 

RRR: The dark match was fucking bland and the “hot near fall” was off a fucking neckbreaker. Here are my general thoughts on SMACKDOWN! It sucked. We had a pretty good streak attending live events - ECW Sept 9th 2000 was fucking off-the-chain, WWE Raw in September 4 2001was alright cause it had a ALBERT vs. MIKE AWESOME dark match which got a HUGE response from the crowd but focused WAAAY too much on Stone Cold and Kurt Angle on a bridge but at least had a Christian heel turn so it wasn’t completely uneventful, Wrestlemania 18 was saved by Rock/Hogan, and Smackdown on October 11th had Lesnar/Palumbo, Venis/Benjamin, SCOTT VICK~!, and Los Guerreros vs. Benoit/Angle, but this one didn’t have the novelty of Rock/Hogan, it didn’t have the good matches of October 11th, it didn’t have a turn or a twist or anything at all. It was bland. I didn’t think much of it at the time, but BLAND FUCKING SUCKS! This dark match? BLAND! It was no Mike Awesome/Albert. It was no Sheldon Benjamin/Val Venis. It was no Scott Vick-doing-a-air-raid-crash.

 

LOTC: I hear Rudo moan “Fuck!” and I look in the ring and see why: Mark Jindrak is set to wrestle next. The homoerotic dynamic between Jinkdrak and Long is something that even the most casual of wrestling fans must notice. It’s really something that should be played up on TV weekly. Kidman gets a bigger pop then he deserves, I’m assuming because people want to see him die on the SSP. Jindrak wins with an inverted slam or high-impact move of some kind.

 

RRR: I didn’t fucking wait in line with 1000 dirty wrestling fans for a fucking hour to see Lex fucking Luger 2004 wrestle, and I sure as shit didn’t rub up against a dude who smelled like a hockey bag for 10 straight minutes to see Teddy Long jacking himself off to the shitty side of the Natural Born Thrillers.

 

LOTC: People cheer for Spike Dudley. I comment that it’s hilarious that Spike’s TitanTron Video shows him bumping for various hosses. Shannon Moore is no longer a pretty little girl as he now has short hair. Spike wins with the Acid Drop in a match that nobody gave two shits about.

 

RRR: What-the-fuck-ever. Spike looks like a 9 year old boy and Shannon used to look like a 9 year old girl before he became Mini-Test. Had his hair still been long and there had been a swing set, this would have been a nice mighty fine school-yard fight where the boy chased the girl around and pulled on her pigtails and she started to cry.

 

LOTC: My disappointment at the fans of Toronto grows as Rico and Miss Jackie get a huge pop. Was somebody pumping nitrous oxide into the ACC all night or something? Haas tries to get the crowd hyped and is met with general apathy. Akio and Sakoda are totally a better choice for tag champs then Rico and Haas. Three guys sitting in a section across from me and Rudo begin to chant “Yang” and I all of a sudden realize that me and Rudo are not alone in our smarkiness. I shall call them 3 Smark Cru or 3SC from here on out. Forgettable match, highlighted by a DOUBLE GAAAANMENGERI from The Asianz and a FUCKING SWEET German Suplex by the Haasinator. Anybody that thinks that Rico is anything more then a comedy act is fooling themselves.

 

RRR: RICO? They were cheering for RICO??! What about Rico is there worth cheering? He fucking sucks as a wrestler, he fucking sucks as a character, he fucking sucks as a promo, he fucking sucks as a champion, he...fucking... sucks. And fuck any OVW fan who’ll surely tell me otherwise. Those smarky fans made my day as they seriously had me laughing till it hurt. God bless you guys.

 

LOTC: Rudo and I are smart enough to cover our ears during the SD pyro ‘cause that shit is ma’fuckin LOUD. Booker comes out and I wonder if the show will start off with Booker jobbing. Booker talks and nobody listens. Cena comes out and the crowd goes all stupid and enjoys it. Cena makes shit jokes and I make a promise to hate Cena for a long time because of this. Angle comes out and I’m worried because earlier on Rudo told me that we might be seeing Cena vs Luther which would definitely not make me a happy camper. They brawl and Angle hurts his leg and screams like a bitch. How come Booker didn’t get punished? Thankfully, no Cena vs Luther announcement but I’m still worried.

 

RRR: HE SAID POO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

LOTC: Eddy gets a good pop and me and Rudo show respect to the man by standing up and everybody in our section follows suit. The Bashams are easily the most unover tag team in the fed. Me and Rudo bellow from the rafters at Eddy to CHEAT and he does and I love it. Frog splash ends it. Whateverthefuckever. It’s sad that I’m reacting with such apathy to one of my favorite wrestlers of all time.

 

RRR: My dream to bring back the “Cheat” chant and to have Eddie subsequently cheat -much like the “tables” chant for the Dudleys- WILL LIVE someday. But Tuesday... that was not the day. Fucking crowd.

 

LOTC: Mordecai’s entrance was cool. That’s about it.

 

RRR: I hope when Vince dies he is met with various gods from various faiths who think his representation of religion is an abomination to their word. And then, I hope they have him suffer the worst of all hells.... they make him watch his own show.

 

LOTC: If Hardcore Holly is struggling to powerbomb Nunzio of all people then there is a more serious problem then the fact that him and Billy will probably win the tag titles. Highlight of the match is a “Where’s my pizza?” chant getting started for the FBI which is a total throwback to ECW at the Hershey Centre in Mississauga in ’01. Of course, back then it was answered in Italian but you can’t have it all I suppose.

 

RRR: The first time I saw Guido live was the aforementioned ECW show. He and Tony Mamaluke were facing Danny Doring and Roadkill. That night, Roadkill was the most over motherfucker in the known universe. He was 100xs more over that Cena, Eddie, and Taker put together. And the match they had was infinitely better than anything we saw on this night. 5000 people squished into the Hershey Centre, and each one of those 4 men were paid 500 bucks, if anything. There was no pyro, no fancy lights, and no million dollars pushing them. Yet they delivered a better show and got a better response than anything that I have been to save Hogan/Rock. Does that seem right to you?

 

LOTC: I figure that most of the men in the audience don’t have the internet, as there is no other reason why the Bikini Contest should have been so over. Seriously. Come on. Torrie and Sable have been in Playboy TWICE, Dawn Marie was in ECW and Gayda pops out at every available opportunity. Stupid kids. The money shot of the entire contest was when Wilson bent over and the cameraman decided to take us on a tour of Torries birth canal. The crowd popped big time for that one.

 

RRR: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOBS!

 

 

 

..... oh yeah, and there were women’s breasts too.

 

LOTC: Rudo and I pop for the Whole Funakin’ Sho and for The General and Chavo Jr and the old-school WCW music. That’s about it. When all those girls ran into the ring after The General I thought it was a fan run-in. In retrospect if it was it would’ve been more fun then what happened after.

 

RRR: Toronto loves gimmicks. Had Funaki been pushed either using his dubbed gimmick or his NUMBAH ONE ANNOUNCAH gimmick, he would have been over like a motherfucker. The last Smackdown show we saw had Funaki vs. Tajiri in a match were I - ME - started the sympathy claps for him while he was put in a sleeper which spread throughout the arena. That was a great moment. This match? Not so much.

 

LOTC: Chavo Classic is old and horny…….so, get this: He PAYS WOMEN TO SLEEP WITH HIM! THAT IS FUNNNNNNNNY SHIT! Hardy fucking har, baby goes to sleep now.

 

RRR: I hate the name Chavo Classic. I like “The General” and the gimmick that accompanies it. “Chavo Classic” is uncreative and lame. He clearly looks like a Columbian Drug Lord, so why not make him that?

 

LOTC: Dupree gets a bigger-then-he-deserves pop and I secretly await THE DANCE. Rey gets love from the T-Dot folks. Rey kicks the leg and I await the pointless legwork that goes nowhere. Dupree busts out THE DANCE and I mark like a ma’fucka. Rey wins and Dupree no-sells the leg. Wowzers.

 

RRR: Whenever the old man gets drunk and I’m watching wrestling on the couch, he’ll stumble-on over and talk about the “good ole days” of East Coast Wrestling and eventually get on the topic of Emile Dupree. I couldn’t give a fuck about this, but the story that I do like is about how one of my dads friends wanted to fight one of those bears the promotions bring in. That’d be fucking hardcore if you fought a bear and beat the shit out of it while drunk. This? Not so much.

 

LOTC: JBL gets the Heat of The Night award, bar none. He incites the Canadian wrath by pointing out that we’re smart enough to stay out of a fake war. Sorry, John. Me and Rudo both agree that JBL is not Stan Hansen but in the current climate he’s the best we’ve got. Our section gets a “U.S Sucks” chant going on. The old man sitting in front of me and Rudo begins to get really riled up by JBL’s promo, thus proving that JBl is a heat machine. 3 Smark Cru is all over this one, starting chants like “Cooooowbell” and “New York Cowboy”. I’m oddly interested in seeing the Texas Bullrope Match because it’s the only gimmick that they haven’t overused. Last one was between Regal and Austin, IIRC, though it wasn’t a TEXAS-SIZED match.

 

RRR: That old man infront of us of ambiguous origin was the man. He’d hear us, he’d hear the smarks across the row from us, and he’d want to get in on the witty comments, “HEY! HEY! GO BACK TO THE STATES YOU SUCK!” Vince, sign that man now. Bradshaw is sooooooooo the reason I want to watch Smackdown but don’t. He needs to take it a step further, IMO, and talk about diversifying his portfolio and fucking Eddies sister and how he won‘t pay child support, cause what he’s saying right now doesn’t make me believe that Eddie wants to kill him.

 

LOTC: Pop of the night goes to Undertaker and his entrance. Undershooter is way over in the 416. Rudo and I eargerly await The Soupbones. They reign down with hellfire and brimstone upon Booker T. Taker takes a fucking man-sized bump off the ropewalk that earned a standing o from yours truly. Taker seems ready to send Booker to Buryville, USA until The Mad Scientist of ECW comes out and tells him to join him. Taker looks confused. Was there even a finish to this match?

 

RRR: They hyped the match the whole night and didn’t even end it. There was NO ending. No “This has been ruled a draw”, no “Booker T has been Dq’d”, not even a “no contest”. It just ended. Who the fuck does th

 

LOTC: We leave the ACC and discuss how average the show was and I vow not to ever come back to a Smackdown show unless the following things occur:

 

1) Angle is wrestling

2) Benoit comes back and is wrestling

3) Benjamin comes back and is wrestling

 

In the word of Robert Deniro from Heat, “I’m never goin’ back.”

 

RRR: Bah. Smackdown Bad. Digiwolves Good.

 

LOTC: The best part of the day was by far my purchase of a new pipe. My old one aka J.R.R Tokin’ had broke the other week so my new baby is named Peregrin Toke. Soon he will be joined by his good buddy Meriadoc Brandybong.

 

THERE YA HAVE IT

[The Mandarin 0]

If the old man had have hopped the guardrail and threatened Bradshaw would you have bought tickets to the next show?

[RavishingRickRudo 0]

Oh Jesus Lord Yes.

 

That Old Man was Classic. His wife would get this combination of delight and embarassment whenever he would get upset at Bradshaw. He was INTO IT.

[Hank Kingsley 0]

I am interested in your product and would like to subscribe to your newsletter.

[Spaceman Spiff 0]

SHANNON MOORE CUT HIS HAIR!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

 

Afroman wins with some version of The Downward Spiral (I think V. 453).

"Flatliner". Bitch stole that from Kanyon (who probably stole it from someone else, but I'll conveniently ignore that).

 

October 11th had Lesnar/Palumbo

That was a nice little match.

 

Curry - is this the 1st time you got to see Knoble live? If so, I'd imagine you're a bit ticked that they had him stuck in that bikini showdown.

[AnonymousBroccoli 0]

I used to drive an '87 Voyager called The Crapmobile. I took it on the 401 but once, and could only get it up to 80 before the transmission would crap out and drop to a lower gear.

 

Also, Raw was on September 3rd. SmackDown! (which was my first live show, and was better ) was the 4th.

[RavishingRickRudo 0]

Yeah? Well... that's a stupid hat.

[AnonymousBroccoli 0]

But our love for him now ain't hard to explain.

 

On-topic... umm. What were you figuring to get signed?

[RavishingRickRudo 0]

I had my Japanese BASEBALL magazine that featured a lot of the WWE guys there and Curry took a MUSKLE LADY Magazine (or something to that effect) which he insisted on showing me while I was driving on the QEW in a lot of fast-goins traffic.

[Lord of The Curry 0]

Dude.

 

Trish Stratus.

 

Lingere.

 

The Golden Arches.

 

You wanted it.

[Guest cobainwasmurdered]

Why is this in this folder? It should be in fantasy booking...or anywhere but here.

[The Mandarin 0]

Why is this in this folder? It should be in fantasy booking...or anywhere but here.

Alright, let's put it in the tape trading forum.

[Guest FrigidSoul]

Well now that this isn't in the WWE forum I can at least say I enjoyed reading it, yet will never take a ride in RRR's car.

[Red Hot Thumbtack In The Eye 0]

EDIT: Actually, it's ok for this to be moved I think. I just enjoyed it and think it should be viewed by the millions that swarm the WWE folder.

[Hank Kingsley 0]

Yeah, who actually listens to CWM, anyway? This damn well deserves to be in a better place than this board (okay, I guess the WWE forum isn't a better place. Let's change it to "more popular").

[Art Sandusky 0]

I just found this, and RRR and LOTC should stick to just talking about their everyday lives like this. MUCH more entertaining. Kudos to both of you, although I was probably one of the ill-regarded posters spoken of at the beginning.