Art Sandusky 0 Report post Posted July 8, 2004 A long time ago, in a server far, far away... BOARD WARS EPISODE VI: RETURN OF THE POST WHORE Dave Cobainwalker has returned to his home planet of Sanktooine in an attempt to rescue his friend Bank Solo from the clutches of the vile gangster JennTaSA the Hutt. Little does Dave know that the TSMPIRE has secretly begun construction on a new armored super moderator even more powerful than the first dreaded Star of Oblivion. When completed, this ultimate weapon will spell certain doom for the small band of Rebels struggling to restore freedom to the server... The story begins with the attempts of the small band of Rebels, led by Post Whore Dave Cobainwalker, to free their comrade Bank Solo from the clutches of evil galactic crime lord JennTaSA the Hutt. Despite being imprisoned by JennTaSA themselves, our heroes succeed in freeing Solo, but now they are faced with a greater and more important challenge. The TSMpire is building the new version of Star of Oblivion, a super moderator able to destroy entire boards. The construction site is in orbit of the forum for Endor.com, a forestry website. Rebels carry out a commando raid on a power generator on the site's main page, which makes the super moderator vulnerable to the attack of the entire Rebel flaming fleet. Rebels don't know that the evil lord Vadersault and Emperor Palpatom himself are on the station and that they have some sinister plans of their own. The raid on the surface doesn't go well, until the Rebels find help in the form of Superwoks, primitive but brave natives that look like teddy bears. In the meantime, Dave feels that he must finally confront his oldest nemesis and father, lord Vadersault, and try to snatch him away from the dark side of the Whorce. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Agent of Oblivion Report post Posted July 8, 2004 I haven't been reading these. Did I kill WDI in the last one? What did I blow up? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Spaceman Spiff 0 Report post Posted July 8, 2004 You weren't in the last one. ESB didn't have a Death Star. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Art Sandusky 0 Report post Posted July 8, 2004 I haven't been reading these. Did I kill WDI in the last one? What did I blow up? The Star of Oblivion blew away CyberSlutia in the first film. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Art Sandusky 0 Report post Posted July 8, 2004 5 EXT ROAD TO JENNTASA'S PALACE - SANKTOOINE 5 A lonely, windswept road meanders through the desolate Sanktooine terrain. We hear a familiar beeping and a distinctive reply before catching sight of R2 ALF-2 and Agnes, making their way along the road toward the ominous palace of JennTaSA the Hutt. AGNES Of course I'm worried. And you should be too. Kotzo Kylierian and poor Soulbacca never returned from this awful place. ALF-2 whistles timidly. AGNES Don't be so sure. If I told you half the things I've heard about this JennTaSA the Hutt, or just what she’s eaten, you'd probably short-circuit. The two droids fearfully approach the massive gate to the palace. AGNES ALF-2, are you sure this is the right place? I better knock, I suppose. 6 EXT JABBA'S PALACE - GATE 6 Agnes looks around for some kind of signaling device, then timidly knocks on the iron door. AGNES (instantly) There doesn't seem to be anyone there! Let's go back and tell Master Dave. A small hatch in the middle of the door opens and a spidery mechanical arm, with a large electronic eyeball on the end, pops out and inspects the two droids. STRANGE VOICE Tee chuta hhat yudd! AGNES Goodness gracious me! Agnes points to ALF-2, then to himself. AGNES Artoo Detoowha bo Seethreepiowha ey toota odd mischka JennTaSA du Hutt. The eye looks from one robot to the other, there is a laugh then the eye zips back into the door. The hatch slams shut. ALF-2 beeps his concern. AGNES I don't think they're going to let us in, ALF-2. We'd better go. ALF-2 beeps his reluctance as Agnes turns to leave. Suddenly the massive door starts to rise with a horrific metallic SCREECH. The robots turn back and face an endless black cavity. The droids look at one another, afraid to enter, although Agnes appears mildly excited at such a large opening. ALF-2 starts forward into the gloom. Agnes rushes after his stubby companion. The door lowers noisily behind them. AGNES ALF-2, wait. Oh, dear! ALF-2! ALF-2, I really don't think we should rush into all this. ALF-2 makes a series of chiding noises. AGNES I am not a ninny! I’m just afraid I might get... rusty or something. ALF-2 continues down the corridor, with Agnes following. AGNES Oh, ALF-2! ALF-2, wait for me! 7 INT JENNTASA'S PALACE - HALLWAY 7 The door slams shut with a loud crash that echoes throughout the dark passageway. The frightened robots are met by two giant, green Gammorean Guards, StardustHog and SweetNSexySnout, who fall in behind them. Agnes glances quickly back at the two lumbering brutes, then back to ALF-2. One guard grunts an order. ALF-2 beeps nervously. AGNES Just you deliver Master Dave's message and get us out of here. Oh my! Oh! Oh, no. Walking toward them out of the darkness is MX Fortuna, a humanlike alien with long tentacles protruding from his skull. MX Die Wanna Wanga! AGNES Oh, my! Die Wanna Wauaga. We -- we bring a message to your master and lover, JennTaSA the Hutt. ALF-2 lets out a series of quick beeps. AGNES (cont) ... and a gift. (thinks a moment, then to ALF-2) Gift, what gift? MX shakes his head negatively. MX Nee JennTaSA no badda. Me chaade su goodie. MX holds out his hand toward ALF-2 and the tiny droid backs up a bit, letting out a protesting array of squeaks. Agnes turns to the strange-looking alien. Agnes He says that our instructions are to give it only to JennTaSA herself. MX thinks about this for a moment and adjusts the sign around his neck that says “property of JennTaSA the Hutt: I love having my rear nerve bundle rubbed.” AGNES I'm terribly sorry. I'm afraid he's ever so stubborn about these sort of things. MX gestures for the droids to follow. MX Nudd Chaa! The droids follow the tall, tentacled alien into the darkness, trailed by the two guards. AGNES ALF-2, I have a bad feeling about this. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
justsoyouknow 0 Report post Posted July 8, 2004 I did a spit take when you had Stardust as a Gamorrean. That's just harsh, mang. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Hank Kingsley 0 Report post Posted July 8, 2004 The raid on the surface doesn't go well, until the Rebels find help in the form of Superwoks, primitive but brave natives that look like teddy bears. Adorable. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Art Sandusky 0 Report post Posted July 9, 2004 11 INT JENNTASA'S THRONE ROOM 11 The court of JennTaSA the Hutt is in the midst of a drunken, raucous party. Sloppy, smelly monsters cheer and make rude noises as Canadianola and a fat female dancer perform in front of JennTaSA's throne, which has a massive pile of buffalo wing bones next to it. JennTaSA leers at the dancers and with a hungry gleam in her eye beckons Canadianola to come and sit with her. She stops dancing and backs away, shaking her head. JennTaSA gets angry and points to a spot next to her. JENNTASA Da Eitha! The lovely alien shakes her head again and screams. CANADIANOLA Na Chuba negatorie Na! Na! Natoota... JennTaSA is furious and pulls her toward her, tugging on the chain. JENNTASA Boscka! She pushes a button and, before the dancer can flee, a trap door in the floor springs open and swallows her up. As the door snaps shut, the sound of a blender revving up is followed by a hideous scream. JennTaSA and his monstrous friends laugh hysterically and several revelers hurry over to watch her fate through a grate. Agnes cringes and glances wistfully at the carbonite form of Bank Solo, but is immediately distracted by a gunshot offscreen. An unnatural quiet sweeps the boisterous gathering. On the far side of the room, the crush of debauchers moves aside to allow the approach of two guards followed by BX, an oddly cloaked bounty hunter, leading his captive, Bank Solo's sack-dangler, Soulbacca the Bostiee. MX takes his place next to his disgusting master, and whispers into her ear, pointing at Soulbacca and the bounty hunter. JennTaSA listens intently, and demands MX tickle her sex nerve patch with his head tentacle. MX obliges, and JennTaSA tells the entire room and palace via intercom how much she loves when MX tickles her with his head tentacle. The bounty hunter bows before the gangster and speaks a greeting in a strange, electronically processed tongue (Ubese). BX (in Ubese subtitled) I have come for the bounty on this Bostiee. AGNES Oh, no! Soulbacca! JENNTASA (in Huttese subtitled) At last we have the mighty Soulbacca. JennTaSA lets out a loud, long, blood-curdling laugh and turns to Agnes, waving him closer. The reluctant droid obeys. AGNES Oh, uh, yes, uh, I am here, Your Worshipfulness. Uh... yes! JennTaSA continues speaking, as Agnes nervously translates. BX listens, studying the dangerous creatures around the room. He notices Boba Piss standing near the door, stroking a cat. AGNES Oh. The illustrious JennTaSA bids you welcome and will gladly pay you the reward of twenty-five thousand. BX (in Ubese subtitled) I want fifty thousand. No less. JennTaSA immediately flies into a rage, knocking the golden droid off the raised throne into a clattering heap on the floor, crashing into the pile of buffalo wing bones. BX adjusts his weapon as JennTaSA raves in Huttese and Agnes struggles back onto the throne. The disheveled droid tries to compose himself, but is now covered in buffalo sauce. JennTaSA looks at him and licks her lips. AGNES Uh, oh... but what, what did I say? (to BX) Uh, the mighty JennTaSA asks why she must pay fifty thousand. The bounty hunter holds up a small silver ball in his hand. Agnes looks at it, then looks at JennTaSA, then back to the bounty hunter. The droid is very nervous and JennTaSA is getting very impatient. THREEPIO Because he's holding a thermal detonator! JENNTASA (in Huttese subtitled) That’s not edible! The guards instantly back away, as do most of the other monsters in the room. JennTaSA stares at the silver ball, which begins to glow in the bounty hunter's hand. The room has fallen into a tense hush. JennTaSA stares at the bounty hunter malevolently until a sly grin creeps across her vast mouth and she begins to laugh. JENNTASA (in Huttese subtitled) This bounty hunter is my kind of scum. Fearless and inventive. JennTaSA continues. AGNES JennTaSA offers the sum of thirty-five. And I do suggest you take it. MX and the other monsters study the bounty hunter and wait for his reaction. BX releases a switch on the thermal detonator and it goes dead. BX Zeebuss. AGNES He agrees! The raucous crowd of monsters erupts in a symphony of cheers and applause as the party returns to its full noisy pitch. Soulbacca growls as he is led away we spot Kotzo Kylierian, disguised as a skiff guard in a partial face mask. The band starts up and dancing girls take the center of the floor, to the hoots of the loudly appreciative creatures. BX leans against a column with gunfighter cool and surveys the scene, his gaze stopping only when it connects with a glare from across the room. Boba Piss is watching him. BX shifts slightly, cradling his weapon lovingly. Boba Piss shifts with equally ominous arrogance. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Art Sandusky 0 Report post Posted July 9, 2004 22 INT THRONE ROOM 22 The crowd of creepy courtiers parts as Bank and Soulie are brought into the throne room, and other guards drag Dave up the steps. DAVE Bank! BANK Dave! DAVE Are you all right? BANK Fine. Together again, huh? DAVE Wouldn't miss it. BANK How are we doing? DAVE The same as always. BANK That bad, huh? Where's Welsh? Dave looks to Welsh. WELSH I'm here. Agnes is standing behind the grotesque gangster as she strokes Welsh like a pet cat, and pokes her like a ripe tomato. Several of the guards, including Kotzo, bring Dave from the other side of the room. Boba Piss is standing behind JennTaSA. Agnes steps forward and translates for the captives. AGNES Oh, dear. Her High Exaltedness, the great JennTaSA the Hutt, has decreed that you are to be terminated immediately. BANK Good, I hate long waits. AGNES You will therefore be taken to the Dune Sea and cast into the pit of Engloon, the nesting place of the all-powerful Chavelacc. BANK (to Dave) Doesn't sound so bad. AGNES In his belly, you will find a new definition of pain and suffering, as you are slowly digested over a thousand years. BANK On second thought, let's pass on that, huh? Soulie barks his agreement. DAVE You should have bargained, JennTaSA. That's the last mistake you'll ever make. JennTaSA cackles evilly at this. Her tiny pet, Popilicious Crick, laughs at our heroes. As the guards drag the prisoners from the throne room, a loud cheer rises from the crowd. Welsh and Soulie exchange concerned looks, but Dave Cobainwalker, Post Whore, cannot suppress a smile. He loves drama. MEANWHILE 48 INT DOCKING BAY - DEATH STAR 48 Thousands of Imperial troops in tight formation fill the mammoth docking bay. Vadersault and the officer walk to the landing platform, where the shuttle is coming to rest. The shuttle's ramp lowers and the TSMperor's Royal Guards come out and create a lethal perimeter. The assembled troops move to rigid attention with a momentous SNAP. Then, in the huge SILENCE which follows, Emperor Palpatom appears. He is a rather small, shriveled old man. His bent frame slowly makes its way down the ramp with the aid of a gnarled cane. He wears a hooded cloak similar to the one Obi-Will wears, except that it is black. The TSMperor's face is shrouded and difficult to see, except for his piercing yellow eyes. Commander Kahran and Darth Vadersault kneel to him. The Supreme Ruler of the server beckons to the Dark Poster. PALPATOM (to Vadersault) Rise, my friend. Vadersault rises and falls in next to the TSMperor as he slowly makes his way along the rows of troops. Kahran and the other commanders stay kneeling until the Supreme Ruler and Vadersault, followed by several Imperial dignitaries, pass by; only then do they join in the procession. VADERSAULT The Star of Oblivion will be completed on schedule. PALPATOM You have done well, Lord Vadersault. And now I sense you wish to continue your search for young Cobainwalker. VADERSAULT Yes, my Master. PALPATOM Patience, my friend. In time he will seek you out. And when he does, you must bring him before me. He has grown strong. Only together can we turn him to the dark side of the Whorce. VADERSAULT Something else concerns me, master. PALPATOM Speak what is of concern to you. VADERSAULT The Ortonians, they... PALPATOM Enough about the Ortonians, Lord Vadersault. VADERSAULT As you wish. PALPATOM Everything is proceeding as I have foreseen. He laughs to himself as they pass along the vast line of Imperial mod suckups. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Boner Kawanger 0 Report post Posted July 10, 2004 VADERSAULT The Ortonians, they... PALPATOM Enough about the Ortonians, Lord Vadersault. VADERSAULT As you wish. High-larious. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
