The lyrics to Frank Zappa's "Titties and Beer"

[The Czech Republic 0]

It was the blackest night

There was no moon in sight

You know the stars ain’t shinin’

’cause the sky’s too tight

I heard some scary wind

I seen some ugly trees

There was a werewolf honkin’

’long the side of me.

 

I’m mean and I’m bad, you know I ain't no sissy,

Got a big-tittied girly by the name of Chrissy.

Talkin’ about her and my bike and me

On this ride up the mountain of mystery, mystery

 

I noticed even the crickets

Was actin’ weird up here

And so I figured I might

Just drink a little beer

I said, "gimme summa that, what you're suckin' on..."

But there was no reply

'Cause she was gone.

 

"Where’s those titties that I like so well,

And my goddamn beer!" is what I started to yell.

Then I heard this noise, like a crunchin’ twig,

Then up jumped the devil, he was about this big

 

He had a red suit on,

And a widow’s peak,

And then a pointed tail,

And like a sulfur reek.

Yes, it was him, all right,

I swear I knowed it was:

He had some human flesh

Stuck underneath his claws.

You know it looked to me

Like it was titty skin

I said, "you son of a bitch!"

’Cause I was mad at him.

Well he just got out his floss

And started cleanin’ his fangs,

So I shot him with my shooter

Said: "bang bang bang!"

 

Then the sucker just laughed and said,

"Oh put it away! You know, I ate her all up...now what you gonna say?"

"You ate my Chrissy?"

"Titties and all!"

"Well, what about the beer then, boy?"

"Um...were the cans this tall?"

"Even her boots?"

"Would I lie to you?"

"Shit, you must've been hungry."

"Yes, this is true."

"Well don’t they pay you good for the stuff that you do?"

"Well, you know, I can’t complain when the checks come through."

"Well I want my Chrissy, and I want my beer, so you just barf it back up now, devil, do you hear?"

 

"Blow it out your ass, motorcycle man! I mean, I am the devil, do you understand? Just what will you give me for your titties and beer? I suppose you noticed this little contract here..."

"You're goddamn right, you son of a whore--"

"don’t call me that!"

"--that’s about the only reason I learned writing for. Give me that paper, bet your ass I will sign, because I need a beer, ’n it’s titty-squeezin’ time."

 

"Man, you can’t fool me...you ain’t that bad. I mean you should've seen some of the souls I've had. Why there was Milhous Nixon, and Agnew, too. And both of those suckers was worse than you."

"Well, let’s make a deal if you think that’s true, I mean, you’re the devil, so whatcha gonna do?"

"Wait a minute, a tinge of doubt crosses my mind when you say that you WANT to make a deal with me."

"That's very very true."

"You ain't supposed to want to make a deal with me."

"Ah, but I'm slightly different than your average customer, devil."

"But most people don't want to make a deal with me. What's your story?"

"Well most people are afraid of you, they don't know how stupid you are. I happen to know that you jack off to a picture of Punky Meadows when you get home."

"Rrrr! Stupid! Rrrrr!"

"You know, ever since that guy told you he contained more fluid than Jeff Beck you've been trying to outdo him."

"Rrrrr! rrrr!!!"

"Look, I just wanna say one thing to you, this may not register right away, but let me say this: leave your pickle alone for a couple of nights, you know what I mean? Now come on! I'm only interested in a couple of things, and wait, is that a note for me?Is somebody passing me a note? What does that say?"

 

Frank please do me a favor I can't find a brother of mine I could dig it if you could call him from stage. His name Dirty Tom Nomads, M.C. Signed, Thanks, Bear, or Bean. I can't tell. Well if he's out there, Dirty Tony, De La Nomads, MC, get in touch with Bean, or Bear.

 

And as I was saying, Devil, I'm an average sort of a person, you wouldn't believe it, but I have a lot in common with the people here tonight."

"Wait a minute I thought you had funny things growing in your hair and all that other stuff, write weird music, biker and everything, big-tittied chick you just had out here..."

"Listen carefully to me, old devil."

"Uh huh."

"I'm only interested in two things."

"Yeah."

"See if you can guess what they are."

"Well I would think, uh, let's see, maybe, uh...Stravinsky, and...um.."

"I'll give you two clues...Let go of your pickle!"

"What?"

"LET GO OF YOUR PICKLE!"

"I'm not holding my pickle."

"Well who's holding your pickle then?"

"I don't know, she's out in the audience. Hey Dale, would you like to hold my pickle to satisfy this strange man?"

"You're probably wondering why we call it a pickle!"

"......oh man..."

"I'd hate to squeal on you, Bozzio, I mean, Devil, but look, I'm only interesting in two things."

"Wait a minute, all I have to say is God help me, but I have this fucking mask on..."

"Listen, if you think his mask looks bad, you oughta see his pickle! Now I'm only interested in two things, and that's titties and beer."

"Titties and beer?"

"Titties and beer. Titties and beer, titties and beer, titties and beer, titties and beer, titties and beer, titties and beer, titties and beer, titties and beer...."

(explosion)

"No don't sign it! Give me time to think! I mean, hold on a second boy, because that's magic ink!"

And then the devil let go of his pickle

And out come my girl, there was her titties

Flop-floppin’...all around the world

 

She said "I got me three beers and a fistful of downs

And I’m gonna get ripped, so fuck you clowns!"

Then she gave us the finger, it was rigid and stiff

That’s when the devil, he farted

And she went right over the cliff!

Whoa, tinsel time

The devil was mad, I took off to my pad

I swear I do declare, how did she get back there?

I swear I do declare, how did she get back there?

I swear I do declare, how did she get back there?

I swear I do declare, how did she get back there?

I swear I do declare, how did she get back there?

[Guest El Satanico]

All this from a man who swore he didn't do drugs.

 

You know you've listened to a song alot when you can hear the song perfectly just by reading the lyrics.

 

I've always wondered who Punky Meadows was...this is him

[Guest Mindless_Aggression]

I nearly had an aneurysm when I clicked on this link, saw Bill Walton's face and then read those lyrics. Because every word of them was in his voice.

 

I still think he'd pronounce "titties", "Tit-AYYYS"

 

God help me.

[5_moves_of_doom 0]

All this from a man who swore he didn't do drugs.

Wait... he did?

[Guest El Satanico]

All this from a man who swore he didn't do drugs.

Wait... he did?

Yeah I believe he said he tried it and it just wasn't his thing. When reading his lyrics or listening to his songs it's hard to believe he wasn't smoking pot or doing acid.

[The Czech Republic 0]

I nearly had an aneurysm when I clicked on this link, saw Bill Walton's face and then read those lyrics. Because every word of them was in his voice.

 

I still think he'd pronounce "titties", "Tit-AYYYS"

 

God help me.

I'd tap that. Like a keg.

[Guest Agent of Oblivion]

Yeah? Listen now, on the other side of the record didn't you say that you get off being juked with a baby octopus and spewed upon with creamed corn, and that your hair-lipped queen-o bass-playing girlfriend with the crossed eyes and the tits

on his shirt had to have it with a hot 7-UP bottle or he went UP THE WALL?

[Guest "Go, Mordecai!"]

I like this song. August 14, 2004 was when all I had was this song and "Son of Mr. Green Genes." I now own forty albums.

[Guest Legalise Drugs and Murder]

It turns into a sickness after a while.

[Guest Legalise Drugs and Murder]

Hey, is 200 Motels among your 40? I just picked it up from the local library, and my god is there some filler on that thing. The second half of the first disk and the first half of the second disk would make a nice complement to all of the massive goofy tracks like "Billy the Mountain" and "Greggery Peccary." The rest is crap, more or less. Vocal noodling and Zappa intentionally annoying the orchestra in a fashion that ends up less entertaining than Lumpy Gravy.

[Guest "Go, Mordecai!"]

Nope, I've been avoiding Flo & Eddie albums like a research paper.

[Slayer 0]

I d/led 200 Motels, listened to a little bit of it, then deleted it

[Special K 0]

"So I guess your long hair makes you a woman."

"So I guess your wooden leg makes you a table."

 

Zappa was the shit.

[Guest "Go, Mordecai!"]

Joe Pyne was truly the Bill O'Reilly of his time.

[Special K 0]

Does anyone have a clip of that? I know I've seen it.

 

Zappa's calm riposte and the host's shamed look should live in infamy

[Guest "Go, Mordecai!"]

I've seen some other ridiculous Joe Pyne clips, but not that one. I think he was accosting some hippies that saw a flying saucer.

[Guest Legalise Drugs and Murder]

Nope, I've been avoiding Flo & Eddie albums like a research paper.

 

Just Another Band From LA is fun for a lark. "Billy the Mountain" can't be listened to any more than ten times in one's lifespan, but "Magdalena" and "Dog Breath" are real good. I like the version of "Call any Vegetable" on there too. It actually sounds like a live album, as opposed to Zappa's live/studio blends. Nice change of pace.