Doug grawboski

[Guest Zero_Cool]

Inside of a smoke cloaked Chicago bar, SWF Superstar Munich sits, Labatt Blue sitting on the wooden counter.  Looking over to the left, he sees a table of four men, all drinking and smoking, remember old times joyfully.  The boisterous talking of the men doesn’t affect Munich much, as he looks down at his beer and starts to talk to himself.

 

[Munich]  One year.  One year I’ve been around the league.  Man, I never thought it would be this way.  I never thought that my life would peak at 24, but it has, and all I have left is memories.  ‘Hey Munich, you rock.’ ‘You’re the champ!’ ‘X Force Nine!’

 

After sarcastically quoting past moments, Munich, all alone, no posse of wrestlers to hang out with.  No friends to hang around with, as they’ve given up on drinking with him and getting beating and felt up by enemies.  After taking a swig from his pint, Munich looks back over to the table, where over the static a man at the table speaks up.  Lets call him Gus.

 

[Gus]  Say, do you guys know Doug Grawboski?

 

The men at the table nod their heads in approval, except one man.  Lets name him Frank.

 

[Frank]  Doug Grawboski?

 

After that question, another man that we’ll name Tiny, speaks up.

 

[Tiny]  Yeah, Doug Grawboski.  He’s a big fellow.  About 7’9”, 270.  Also, he can palm a two ton medicine ball!

 

[Frank]  Ahh..wait a minute.

 

[Gus]  I once saw Doug Grawboski eat a Bible while waterskiing.

 

[Tiny]  That Doug Growboski.

 

Munich loses attention in the table, and looks back down at his before taking another swig.  He continues to talk to himself.

 

[Munich]  Ya know, things were going well for a bit there. I beat that little sh*t Prophet.  I lost to Bo, that wasn’t so bad.  Thanks to the loss, I got a shot at the Tag Team Titles with Taylor.  That was my shot.  Too bad we lost, though…that could’ve been my shot to actually have a future around here.  Ergh..

 

Munich once again looks over to the table of middle aged men, and they’re talking about Doug Grawboski, whoever the hell that is.

 

[Gus]  You know, a lot of people don’t know this, but Doug Grawboski was a UFC Champion!  One time, I saw Doug Grawboski put a guy in an anklelock.  Old Doug snapped that guys ankle so many times..he made the foot go through four full revolutions.  After the lower leg and ankle was sufficiently shattered, Doug tore the poor bastard’s leg off, and then proceeded to tear off the Achilles tendon.  After doing that, Doug Grawboski did the Icky Sticky Shuffle with said tendon, all while in Cincinnati.

 

[Tiny]  That’s nothing!  I once saw Doug Grawboski scissor-kick Angela Lansbury!

 

After a stare of disbelief, Munich looks back down at his beer.  He mumbles something about the old broad probably deserving it, and takes another drink.  Munich is about to go into another rant, until he hears the channel changing in the bar.  He looks up to see that the bartender has put on Wrestlecenter.  With a sigh, Munich glances up towards the TV, which radiates the booming voice of Stuart Scott.

 

[scott]  On Defiance Sunday, the Midnight Carnival’s Chris Raynor and El Luchadore Magnifico won the tag teams at the expense of Erek Taylor and Munich.  Now, the former JL World Champ Munich was all, “what’s up with that?” and he demanded a match against the man who pinned him, Chris Raynor.  Erek Taylor gets a match against Magnifico, and Munich has Raynor.  All scheduled for Storm.

 

Munich groans as he turns away from the TV.

 

[Munich]  Yep, great going, Munchie.  You get angry and demand a match from Stubby.  Then, you lose.  An awesome cycle....F*ck it, I'm going to win.

 

He looks back over to the table, where a fourth man has started talking.  Lets call this last man, Pepe.  The group seems to be talking about Grawboski’s sexual skills.

 

[Pepe]  Doug Grawboski once had sex with my wife and videotaped it.  Once day, he sat me down and made me watch the sexually explicit tape.  Needless to say, it was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.

 

The others at the table nod their heads once more, agreeing with the assumption that Doug Grawboski is a stud.  But suddenly, Gus speaks up to drop a bombshell.

 

[Gus]  That’s nothing!  One time, Doug Grawboski and I went horseback riding.  However, we didn’t have any horses, so Doug Grawboski proceeded to strap a saddle to my back, and rode my clear across the state of Wyoming!  On the third day of riding, my leg muscles became freakishly strong.  Doug then proceeded to enter me in the Breeder’s Cup!  On the last lap of the race, I shattered my ankle, and just as the trainer was about to put a bullet into my head, a woman from the stands, god bless her soul, stood up and said, “Don’t shoot! It’s a human!”

 

Munich is wide eyed as he goes back to his beer, muttering something about crazy, senile old f*cks.  Looking up at his watch, Munich realizes that it is time to leave.  He quickly finishes up what is remaining in his pint.  He takes out a fresh five dollar bill and places it down where his glass left the ring of condensation.  After slightly slamming the glass down on the table, Munich hops up out of his seat and walks straight to the door of the pub.  As he opens the door, he hears those senile old men say something again.

 

“Doug Grawboski drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls!”

[Guest El Luchadore Magnifico]

That's it! I must meet this Doug Grabowski, and view his skull-covered ice cream truck with my own eyes.

 

Er, good promo Munchie. Reach for your dreams!

[Guest Insane Clown Dan]

This was freakin awesome Munich. Quite creative and out of the norm for funny promos.

[Guest chirs3]

[Tiny]  That’s nothing!  I once saw Doug Grawboski scissor-kick Angela Lansbury!

 

I would pay good money to see that, and how she solved the mystery of who kicked her all in an action-packed hour of "Murder She Wrote!"

 

Nice one, Munchie.

[Guest Edwin MacPhisto]

If there's a clever in-joke with Doug Grabowski, I don't get it.

 

If there isn't, then hell, it's just plain brilliant.  Good stuff.  I think you should start hanging out in bars more often and issuing bar-room brawl challenges, because we all like to see those...mmm...

[Guest]

Wicked promo, Munich. That Doug Grawboski sounds pretty mean. Probably almost as bad as Bill Brafsky. But then, I'd pay good money to see the two in a fight.

[Guest Beingz0wningj00]

I met Doug Grabowski once...

 

He was fucking my dog! I kicked his ass out of the car!

[Guest Ash Ketchum]

One time, Doug Grabowski kidnapped my girlfriend and took her for a ride to Midway airport and then to the Sears Tower and then he dropped her off.

 

Turns out he didn't kidnap her.

[Guest DiabloIIFreak1010]

Grawboski? There's a girl in my school named Lexi Grawboski.

 

She's so fucking annoying.

[Guest chirs3]

She ever scissor kicked Angela Lansbury?