Stephen Joseph vs. the Cow (w/ Farmer Jim)

[Stephen Joseph 0]

Yes, I'm fighting a cow.

 

Don't worry, I'll find a way for Caboose to say "Don't have a cow man"

[Stephen Joseph 0]

Name: THE COW

Height: 6'7

Weight: 1400lbs

From: The Dairy

Entrance Music: "For All The Cows" by Foo Fighters

Manager/Owner: Farmer Jim

 

THE COW comes to the ring wearing a Ric Flair-esque robe.

 

Basic moves: Headbutt, shoulder charge, back kick, bite, lick, grass spit, GORE, milk squirt from udders to the eyes

 

Finisher: THE TRAMPLE~! (jumps up and down upon opponent until either submits or can be pinned)

 

Weaknesses: Prone to blows to the udders, and also being tipped will render THE COW unable to get back to its feet. Also has an inate fear of leather and meaty snacks.

 

Bio: THE COW is a real flesh and blood cow who has been trained to wrestle by her owner, Farmer Jim, who noted her unusual abilities while trying to milk her. Contrary to earlier rumours, THE COW is in no way two guys in a suit.

[Stephen Joseph 0]

I'm called a cow

I'm not about to blow it now

for all the cows

 

it's funny how

money allows

all to browse

and be endowed

the wish is true

it falls into

places new

the cow is you

 

my kind has all run out

as if kinds could blend

some time if time allows

everything worn in like it's a friend

 

I said you're all a painted doll

and it caused

the walls to fall

how far is he?

impatiently

that's as far as could be

[King Cucaracha 0]

Troy McClure: Don't kid yourself Jimmy. If a cow ever got the chance, he'd eat you and everyone you care about!

[Stephen Joseph 0]

I'm so using that.

[Stephen Joseph 0]

Backstage with Josh Matthews~! OMG Fanboys screeeaaammm!

 

J to the M

Two weeks ago, the OAOAST was shocked with the return of Stephen Joseph to active wrestling duty. After having Cuban Wall attack me in his return interview, Stephen Joseph has once again asked for a few minutes of time, to address his unknown opponent tonight.

 

Stephen Joseph

Thank you Josh. Nice security detail.

 

Stevie

Heyyy, it’s the Sizzle Jizzle of the OAOAST! What’s going…

 

(We interrupt this interview to umm, tell you about Josh’s security detail. Straight from the WWE unemployment line, it’s the bWo, wearing “Josh is Posh” t-shirts…and sadly, only NOVA is wearing a non-midriff exposing shirt. Anyways, it’s the best we could come up with on short notice. Josh only likes certain people, you know…)

 

Stephen Joseph

Did he just say?

 

JM

I don’t like you.

 

Stephen Joseph

Did he just say…Sizzle Jizzle? What the FUCK? Oh, Josh, you’re still here. Wow. I feel so hurt by your comments. So sad. Really. Here, let me get a Kleenex! I’m really a nice guy, really really really (stomps his feet).

 

JM

Ummm…

 

Stephen Joseph

Oh. Yeah, I forgot. Fellas, meet the Lightning Crew. They’re right behind you.

 

:: The Lightning Crew jumps the bWo (or Fat World Order, really). It being about a 10 on 3 situation, seeing that PRL just has to have every single member of his family and their cousins around him, the battle is over pretty quickly. In fact, its so over right now that I’m not even going to describe it.::

 

::oh, and its pretty obvious Josh is having a bathroom problem::

 

::And Stephen Joseph grabbed his microphone too, because Josh is currently backing away from the rest of the Lightning Crew…::

 

Stephen Joseph

Pathetic little wretch. And Sizzle Jizzle? I mean, really, who the hell thinks that up?

 

Okay, fans of the OAOAST. While everyone’s been going on about revolution this, problems that, splintering and groups forming, everyone’s missing the biggest event in the Hiiiiistory of the OAOAST right here, right now. And that’s ole BPP returning to the ring.

 

Now, I got a little b*tch of an opponent before License to Pin, a sub-par opponent, one that makes me wonder how seriously the OAOAST is taking my return. And tonight, I don’t even know who my opponent is. Another woman? A retard. How about a dog and pony show! That’s right, I’ll wrestle a damn dog and pony. I’ll wrestle anyone, anything, the bookers put in front of me. And I will win, until someone in the back, one of the “wrestlers” decides that they’ve played enough tiddly-winks and realizes that they might just have cajones enough to face. I don’t understand why, when I ask for a match, every answer I get is “Ohh, I’m busy.” Ohh, I’m booked. I’m looking at YOU Zack Malibu, at you , Mr. Hoffie Woffie, or at you Axel. Heck, Dan won’t return my phone calls, Rodez pretends I’m not here, and Drek’s more interested in having the LC be a security detail.

 

So, whoever I’m facing tonight, I’ll make it quick, and I’ll make it painful.

 

Wall

What if it’s a dog and pony?

 

Stephen Joseph

Then what I do will be unfucking called for.

 

Wall

You gonna commit animal cruelty?

 

Stephen Joseph

…

 

 

 

Michael Buffer

Ladies and Gentleman, the next match is schedule for one fall! Introducing first, weighing in at two hundred and twenty five pounds, former two-time tag team champion and commissioner of the OAOAST, Sttttteeephhhen Jooosephhh!!!

 

COLE

Or…Sizzle Jizzle

 

CABOOSE

Don’t Cole. Remember the last time Stephen pitched a fit over something involving…CENSORED

 

COACH

Caboose, we’re not allowed to talk about that over the air anymore.

 

CABOOSE

Pansy.

 

“Awww Naww” starts up with Nappy Roots running out of the EntranceWay, as the crowd cheers for NR.

 

 

Awnaw! Hell naw! Man

Y'all done up and done it

Awnaw! Hell naw! Boy

Y'all done up and done it

Awnaw! Hell naw! Boy

Y'all done up and done it

Ah, y'all done up and done it

Man y'all done up and done it

 

::Fish Scales steps up with the microphone as Stephen Joseph comes out to a chorus of boos. The Cuban Wall is behind him.::

 

My first song was like forty-eight bars with no hook

You hear me flippin thru my pages out my favorite notebook

The microphone was in the closet (What?) No headphones, we lost it

Niggas scared to get some water, roaches hangin over the faucets

No AC, Tez'll break a sweat just tryin to make beats

E-Dubz was being a hustler, (Heeeyy man!)

all play flirtin all his customers, and flat broke

Nappy smokin blacks out on the back po'ch

I'm thinkin I got everything a country boy could ask for

 

::Joseph knocks Elbows with Big V before heading down towards the ring, Big V starts his rap::

Now what we do to get here? (Say dat boy!!)

Lay it down and bring it to ya raw (Say dat boy!!)

Hey now we hurt some, suffered for more, takes what we work for

Hated for for the cussin, but the hatred it made us cuss more

Held on, but it was hard - stepped up, took charge

Ran through what we scared of, but what was we afraid for?

Look at what we made of, hard times done made us

Being here is alright, but MUST believe we won't fall!

 

Them country boys on the rise!

With them big fat wheels on the side!

Peep them vertical grills on the ride!

And aw-awww-awww-awwwww!

 

Them country boys

With them big fat wheels

Peep the vertical grills

And awwwwwwww!

 

::Saan and Skinny DeVille are next up, as Stephen Joseph scales the ring steps, soaking in the boos that come with finally being on an OAOAST PPV, wrestling, again::

My yegga, we hogwild, bet that from that roota to that toota-file

Hell naw, them country boys ain't headed south for six miles

Kentucky mud, them kinfolk, twankies with them hundred-spokes

Skullied on that front po'ch, plus you know they got 'dro

Seventy-nine coupe DeVille vertical Caddy grill

Interstate 65 headin down to Cashville

Glass filled, to the tippy-top, back-seat Benz

Spent my last cent on the rent, left with pocket lints

A damn shame, gotta grind anythang and everythang

Jimmy Crack Corn, cross the county line with Mary Jane

A long time, a gravel road, to cash and fame and sold my soul

To Hell and back, and back and forth, with same jeans and nappy 'fro

 

{Repeat Hook over this part}

Them country boys

With them big fat wheels

Peep the vertical grills

And awwwwwwww!

 

Michael Buffer

And his opponenent…

 

::Silence::

 

MOO!

 

I'm called a cow

I'm not about to blow it now

for all the cows

 

MOO!

 

And out comes THE COW~! With Farmer Jim as Stephen Joseph loses it in the ring, laughing and hitting his head on the post cushion.

 

MOO!

 

Caboose

Don’t have a COW Popick!

 

Coach

HAHAHAHEHEHOHOHIHI

 

COLE

Fans, this has got to be a first.

 

Farmer Jim leads THE COW~! Down to the ring. A special ramp has been set up so that THE COW~! Can walk into the ring. Jim brings the ropes apart enough for THE COW to daintly enter the ring. Popick is seen mouthing to Wall “You’ve got to be kidding me. If that thing shits on me, in any way, I am so suing.”

 

CABOOSE

How’s Popick going to pin it?

 

COLE

Fans, this cow has been trained to wrestle! Now, some less reputable websites have said that its actually two guys in a cow suit, but I can tell you from personal experience that its not!

 

COACH

Me too!

 

CABOOSE

I do not want to know. I can’t believe I am cheering for a cow…

 

SJ sizes up his opponent, all 1400 pounds, as the COW stares down at ole SJ. Farmer Jim is chuckling at ringside, pitchfork in hand.

 

::DING DING DING::

 

And Stephen Joseph dismisses Cuban Wall to the outside, and then looks back at the COW, who stands there on all four, looking at SJ and chewing cud. SJ scratches his head and sneakily starts circling the COW. The cow, herded to the middle of the ring, turns and follows SJ with his beady, big eyes. And spits out some green cud...pretty gross.

 

SJ runs to the side of the COW and starts clubbering away, like ole Southern pro wrestlers do. Slapping the side of the COW, pounding with lefts and rights, Stephen's doing everything he can to hurt the COW's backside...

 

And the COW keeps chewing its cud,

 

MOOOO!

 

Stephen Joseph, frustrated, turns around to mutter to himself, and the cow turns its backside to him... COWKICK~! to SJ's exposed backside sends SJ tumbling through the ropes and smacking the ring apron floor. Cuban Wall lumbers over to his boss to check on him. "BOSS, you okay?" "ITS A DAMN COW!"

 

SJ rolls himself back into the ring, and the COW charges in with a headbutt, pinning SJ into the corner. He rams him again, and again, and again, to the delight of the crowd

 

CABOOSE

Greatest Match Ever. Let this be the main event of AngleMania every year. I'd never get tired of it.

 

COLE

The Cow really has Stephen Joseph now, he's head-pounding a mudhole in him!

 

The Cow lets Stephen Joseph stumble out of the corner and Flair Flop down! Farmer Jim's yelling at the cow "TRAMPLE! TRAMPLE!"

 

The Cow stands over SJ with two hoofs raised, and SJ does what he really only knows what to do...and kicks the COW in the Udders! The COW shudders for a moment, then crosses both front legs in a X covering the Udder and falls over on its side.

 

COACH

That's one way to tip a COW.

 

 

Stephen Joseph crawls over to make the cover, and its

 

 

 

1!

 

 

 

2!

 

 

 

3!

 

 

Winner: Stephen Joseph via kick to the Udders.

 

Stephen Joseph looks at the COW with this incredulous look, and stumbles out of the ring witih WALL supporting him. The match may have been short, but it definitely was something we, and SJ didn't expect.

 

We're left with his parting words : "It was a FREAKING COW MAN!"

Edited July 29, 2005 by Stephen Joseph