SJL Crimson, May 25th

May 26, 2002

SJL Crimson

Location: MCI Center in Washington, DC

Singles Match

Impact vs. Kojack

- Impact is making his debut in the SJL, and what a debut it is. Impact will be tested early against former TV champion, Kojack. Will Impact crush the veteran, or will he be a dud?? Who knows, but at least they’re not getting punished.

Spread Eagle on the Car Match

Cuttroat vs. T-Bone

- DAMN NOSHOWERS!!! Edwin’s being especially cruel tonight, and is punishing those who didn’t show for Metal. This match was designed especially for these two because they have such nice legs. On a pole in one corner will be a pair of barbed wire thongs, and in the opposite corner, there will be another pole with a car battery attached to it. You must put on the thong, attach the car battery to a car that has been driven to ringside, and attach a pair of jumper cables to the barbed wire to win. You must write at least 1500 words for this, and if you now show, kiss the JL goodbye for a while.

- Match Description: DQ and count-out rules are NOT in effect. The winner must put do what I said above.

Hide And Seek Bra and Panties Match

Scott Reid vs. Creed

SPECIAL RING ENFORCER: Thoth

- Silly newbies, thinking they can get away with no showing. HA! Edwin’s handing down punishments for all those who no showed on Metal, and guess what…Creed and Reid did. Inside the arena, somewhere, is hidden a pair of panties and a bra. Find them and put them on, and you’ll win. You must write at least 1500 words for this, and if you no show, you will be put on the “do not book for a month” list, as well as Thoth’s “To rape” list. Trust me, you don’t want to be there.

- Match Description: DQ and count-out rules are NOT in effect. The winner must locate the bra and panties, then strip down ass naked, and finally put on the new bra and panties. After putting the undergarments on, to be declared the winner, the competitor must return to ringside and get back in the ring.

Singles Match

#1 Contendership for TV and European Titles

"The Franchise" Mak Francis vs. “Insane Luchadore” Andrew Rickmen

- Pretty simple match, rewarding Francis for his participation in Metal. This match could be a huge step for both men. The winner of the match is the #1 contender for the European Title and the loser is the #1 contender for the TV title. Francis has a chance to show everyone what he’s got on a bigger stage, and Tod can solidify himself in the upper echelon of the roster. The Euro contender will face Frost on Metal, while the TV contender will face TNT for that title on Metal.

Reverse Inferno/Semen Match

Jacob Helmsely vs. Johnny Generic

- Two more no showers go at it in this amusing match. Reverse inferno means that they must set themselves on fire, and semen…well, semen’s the best part. The loser of the match must drink an entire 8oz glass of Jay Dawg’s prize semen. JD has prepared the semen just before the match, so it’s sure to be fresh for one of these men. It’s a lose/lose situation for both men, but such is the life of a no shower. You must write at least 1500 words for this for it to even be considered a match, and if you no show, it’ll be a long ass time before you see yourself on a JL card again.

- Match Description: DQ and count-out rules are NOT in effect. The winner of the match is the first man to locate fire (matches, lighter, etc.) and light himself on fire. The loser must drink the entire cup of semen (located on the announce table).

Singles Match

#1 Contendership for the World Title

Xero vs. Sydney Sky

- Can you say random match?? Well, if you can’t, I’ll say it for you…random match! But to make it more appealing to the competitors, commissioner Edwin has put a shot at the World Title on the line, with the winner facing the champion in one week on Crimson.

Main Event

Cage Match for the SJL World Title

Ash Ketchum vs. Frost vs. Durandal ©

- On Metal, Ash Ketchum and Frost each won the right to face the devilishly evil Durandal for the SJL Title. Will the wrestler formerly known as Tom Flesher rise above his new adversaries and escape the cage? Will Ash use his Pokemaster powers to become 2-time SJL Champion? Or will Frost realize his true potential and achieve his dream of becoming the SJL World Heavyweight Champion? A steel cage awaits, and we’ll find out Saturday.

- Match Description: This ain’t no pussy ass WWE! The winner is the first contestant to climb over the top of the cage and touch both feet on the floor. DQ and count-out rules are NOT in effect.

May 26, 2002

"(Axis) Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to SSSSSS-JJJJJJJJ-LLLLLLLL CRIMSON!!!!"

BOOM!

A shower of crimson pyro goes off atop the entrance ramp as the crowd screams, roaring their approval for the Smarks Junior Leagues. Some signs include:

"My mom loves you, Cutthroat!"

Guy next to him: "That's what she said!"

Row 321 Banner: "Go Durandal!"

"Ash Ketchum has Pokey Balls!"

Girl next to him: "I don't get it!"

We zoom around the arena before settling upon Axis, Suicide King, and Edwin Macphisto, commentary trio of doom, as they prepare to call the action for tonight's SJL Crimson!

"(Axis) Hello folks, welcome to SJL Crimson, I am Axis, alongside Edwin Macphisto and the Suicide King, and tonight, a huge World Title match!"

"(Edwin) That's right, Axis! Frost, Ash Ketchum, and Durandal will face off in one bad-ass caged threeway, while in our sub-main event we see Sydney Sky and Xero go one-on-one for number one contendership to that belt!"

"(King) Now, I hate to say it, but I think we'll be watching a Frost/Xero World Title match in the near future!"

"(Edwin) Oh, go blow yourself."

"(Axis) You guys both suck. So do Impact and Kojack, and their match is coming on! Funyon, take it away!"

"(Funyon) Ladies and gentlemen…"

"Light me up…"

The pumping beats of "Light Me Up" by Cassanova 419 begin to echo throughout the arena as the lights go down! The crowd roars in expectation of the SJL superstar about to walk down the ramp…

"Come on, come on, come on, LIGHT THAT FUCKER UP!"

BOOM!

A shower of white pyro goes off atop the entrance ramp as it illuminates a figure atop the entrance ramp, arms outstretched in a "come-and-get-me" gesture. A blue spotlight shines upon him as he struts down the ramp, blonde hair glistening as he slides into the ring.

"(Funyon) Ladies and gentlemen, now entering the ring, the Amazin' one, MIIIIIIKKE VA-AN SIIIIIIIIIIIC-LEEEEEEEN!"

The crowd explodes in cheers as MVS poses on a turnbuckle, then hopping backwards, beckoning to the outside-the-ring man for a mic. The man tosses one inside the ring, and MVS snatches it, raising it to his lips as the crowd begins to quiet.

"(Mike) The Amazin' one is in the hoooooooooooouse!"

The crowd pops like a cherry.

"(Mike) Holla back, y'all!"

The crowd responds with a loud "WOO WOO!" The commentators discuss the man returning on the outside.

"(Axis) MIKE VAN SICLEN HAS RETURNED!"

"(Edwin) And he's playing to the crowd like me!"

"(Strangler) He stole my line."

"(Edwin, turning around) What?"

"(Strangler) He stole my line."

"(Edwin) How'd you get here, my Bostonian amigo?"

"(Strangler) What Bostonian amigo?"

"(Edwin) You-"

But Strangler has vanished! Oh well, back to MVS' spectacular promo.

"(Mike) Things are changing in this league. We have Ash Ketchum and Durandal feuding over a World title that will be meaningless to Duran Duran in approximately twenty-four hours. We have Xero and Sydney Sky making a resurgence. And we have matches involving the destruction of sperm cells. Now, I don't know, but I'm sure there's a sperm bank desperate enough for sperm that would accept it, dammit!"

"(Axis) …What's he talking about?"

"(King) I think he's mocking you, Edwin."

"(Edwin) Oh no he isn't!"

"(King) Really? I think he is."

"(Mike) But back to making all of you love me… I am more than ready to come back and be not YOUR Television Champion," cheap pop, "YOUR European Champion," cheaper pop, "but YOUR… SMARKS JUNIOR LEAGUES… WORLD Champion!!!"

Mike Van Siclen gets a huge pop for this.

"(Axis) He's gonna have to go through Xero, Ash, Sydney, Durandal, or Frost to earn that distinction!"

"(Edwin) Not if I have my way about it."

"(King) What's your way? The fruitcake way?"

"(Mike) But, considering that the World Title scene is tied up for the next week, I'd like to set my sights elsewhere… and I'd tell you right now…"

The crowd roars, as Mike Van Siclen looks up and smiles.

"(Axis) Who is Mike Van Siclen going to target?"

"(Edwin) Don't ask me… I didn't even know he was coming out…"

"(King) Which proves that you really shouldn't be SJL commissioner… you need to take control of these guys, Macphisto."

"(Edwin) Hey, King, blow me."

"(Mike) But then I just wouldn't be me, now would I? I'm going to leave each and every one of you in the dark… and tonight, Mike Van Siclen will target one man… as his target. Like a bulls-eye. So keep your eyes open, for when the other Suicide out here, the Suicide Blonde, comes rushing out here, you might not even see it. But, I assure you, you will feel it. Because THAT…"

"(Crowd) IS WHAT I SAID!!!"

"(Mike) No, no no… you didn't say it… that's what I said!"

"Light Me Up" by Cassanova 419 starts to blare throughout the arena as Van Siclen slides out of the ring to a mixed reaction, tossing the mic back to the ring attendant as he leaves, a smug smile on his face.

"(Axis) Well, Mike Van Siclen claims that he's going to target one person tonight! Who will it be?"

"(Edwin) You'll have to watch more SJL Crimson, coming up…"

"(King) NEXT!!!"

King and Edwin start to argue over the last word as we do what we do best.

…fader…

May 26, 2002

SJL Crimson returns as the screen right off the bat is set on Tod deKindes, who somberly meditates on top of a jet-black anvil case. Tod sits Indian-fashion, with a pair of crimson sunglasses pulled down concealing his eyes. Suddenly, a recurring flickering noise sounds as Tod breaks his concentration to perplexedly glance around…until the lights go out. Darkness fills the haunting basement, as a rapping noise is heard, as if something metal was scraping across the walls. Suddenly a loud cracking sound of metal on bone rings throughout the dark and musty room, as the lights flicker on, revealing Tod sprawled across the floor in a puddle of his own blood, as a metal baseball bat rests beside him. The camera quickly pans upwards to face an open door, where a large, running figure is seen turning the corner.

***Cut to commercial***

May 26, 2002

“The Womanizing of Richard Simmons” begins, and instantly ends after showing a brief picture of a 6’4” hairy dude in drag. The SWF logo flashes across the screen briefly. Then, clips from Metal are shown, namely Ash locking in the Total Nightmare on Xero to win the second match. Also, a clip of Jay Dog, well, doing the duty...

Axis: What the hell? Why are we showing that! Dear God!

King: Because I love the cock, remember?

Edwin: Ugh...

Axis: Well, at any rate, welcome to SJL Crimson, live from the MCI Center in Washington, DC! I’m Axis...

Edwin: Boo! I’m Tiger Woods!

King: And I love the cock!

Axis: Will you shut up about the cock?

King: Probably not.

Axis: Great. Well, it’s still my job to tell all 6 of our remaining fans what is happening tonight, so here goes. After big wins on Metal, Ash Ketchum and Frost get what they wanted: a shot at Durandal and the SJL World Title!

King: You’re forgetting something.

Axis: And, I suppose you will enlighten me?

King: It’s Bloody, Raunchy, Punishment Day!

Edwin: Yay! It’s the most wonderful time of the year!

Axis: Of course, how could I forget... What with a Reverse Inferno and Semen match, a Bra and Panties Hide and Seek match, and, of course, a Nature’s Gift Nut Shot Match!

King: You forgot the Spread Eagle on the Car match.

Edwin: That one’s my favorite.

Axis: But, believe it or not, we DO have some normal matches on tonight’s card, including our opener, which pits the former TV Champion, Kojack, against the promising young Impact, making his debut in the JL! And that match is due to start... wait for it... now!

Right on cue, heartbeats begin to echo through the arena, with the sound waves on the SmarksTron beating in sync. With a sudden bright flash, and a loud BOOM!, Impact appears on the stage, bouncing up and down nervously. As the smoke clears, and “Are You Ready” by Creed plays over the PA, Impact begins the walk to the ring for the first time, his face showing both excitement and nerves. Funyon begins to speak.

Funyon: Welcome to SJL Crimson, ladies and gentlemen! Time for the first match, a one-fall, one on one contest. Introducing first, from Miami, Florida, standing 6 feet, 1 inch and weighing 210 pounds, making his debut in the SJL, IIIIIIIIIMMMMMMPAAAAACT!

Axis: He looks nervous.

King: Really? I thought he was just loving the cock.

The youngster climbs onto the apron, and slips through the ropes. He bounces off of some of the ropes, waiting for his opponent. The wait isn’t long, however. The arena lights go dark blue, and P.O.D’s “Boom” fires up over the speakers. A bright gold pyro shoots high into the air, as Kojack appears on the ramp. He struts confidently down to the ring, with the DC crowd booing loudly, and throwing various food items, drinks, and explosives at the former TV champ. Funyon starts to speak.

Funyon: And his opponent, from MiamiOHCRAP!

Funyon quickly slides out of the ring to avoid Kojack, who really doesn’t like Funyon announcing his name.

Edwin: Geeze, settle down there buster!

King: I think he needs a nice cock. Wanna help him out there, Axis?

Axis: Hmm... lemme think about it. Nah.

Meanwhile, Kojack is still shooting Funyon a nasty look as he climbs up the ring. Impact glances over at his opponent and sees Kojack still looking at Funyon. He nods out at the crowd, and takes off at a run at Kojack, who is still standing on the ring apron, not paying a whole lot of attention to Impact. The rookie leaps high in the air, with pure concentration showing on his face, and nails Kojack about nipple high with a heavy drop kick. Kojack, stunned, falls back onto the floor, hitting hard. The crowd explodes, seeing the hated Suplex Machine rocked. Impact’s excitement shows in his eyes, as he grips the top rope, and using it as a slingshot, flings himself over the top, high into the air. He comes crashing down on top of Kojack in a big body splash, to a huge crowd reaction.

Axis: Impact looks quite pumped up for his first match here in the JL.

King: Well, I suppose he would be. Even though I’m sure he loves the cock.

Impact quickly gets to his feet, eyes blazing with excitement. He pulls a dazed and suprised Kojack up to his feet, and rolls him into the ring. Really pumped up, Impact flashes a quick grin and shows off to the crowd, and then slides into the ring, as the opening bell finally rings.

DING! DING! DING!

Impact slides across the surface of the ring, then quickly springs up to his feet. But the showing off on the outside gave Kojack valuable time to come to his senses, so the former TV champ is ready and waiting. He runs over Impact with a stiff clothesline, sending the rookie flying and quieting the crowd. Kojack smiles slyly, and shouts various obscenities at the fans, drawing more boos. The Big Orange Suplex Machine stalks his prey like a lion, moving in on Impact, who backs into a corner. Kojack runs at Impact, who is unable to get out of the way in time, and the veteran hits a big clothesline in the corner. Impact is rocked, with pain showing on his face, and the wind is knocked out of him. Kojack pounces on the advantage, whipping Impact across the ring towards the opposite corner. Kojack follows close behind, looking to hit a big power move, but Impact runs up the ropes, jumps, and does a backflip, landing on his feet behind his aggressor. As Kojack turns around, Impact strikes out with a huge spinning side kick to the jaw. Kojack stumbles back into the corner, as the crowd cheers.

Axis: Sounds to me like the crowd is starting to really get behind this youngster!

Edwin: Actually, I think they are a little more excited over that.

Edwin gestures out into the crowd, where an obviously drunk young woman is dancing around topless, as guys throw beer at her.

Axis: Well, perhaps. I still think they like the newcomer, though.

King: I wonder if she likes the cock...

Axis: Sit down and do your job!

Meanwhile, back in the ring, Impact drags Kojack out of the corner and takes him down with a snap mare takeover, leaving Kojack in a sitting position. Impact rushes at the ring ropes, grinning, and on the rebound rocks Kojack with a drop kick. Impact jumps up, and climbs to the second turnbuckle, waiting for Kojack to get to his feet. As he waits, his excitement growing, he yells at the crowd, whose attention is turning back to the match after the drunk woman is dragged out of the arena. Kojack gets to his face and turns to face Impact, who at that moment leaped off of the turnbuckle, soaring though the air, trying to level the Suplex Machine. But Kojack deftly steps aside, and sticks out his arm, catching Impact in the chest. Impact goes down, holding his ribs in pain, as Kojack starts stomping away at his fallen opponent. Impact writhes with pain, as one boot after another comes crashing down on top of him. After what seems like hours but is actually only a few painful seconds, Kojack stops the pounding and picks Impact up to his feet. He whips the inexperienced youngster into the ropes, and on the rebound, picks Impact up, and brings him slamming down to the mat. Kojack stays on top and hooks the leg for a pin attempt!

One! Two! No!

Impact gets the shoulder off of the mat just in time!

Edwin: I think that Impact is in some pain.

King: Thank you, Captain Obvious!

Axis: Kojack is really taking the advantage here in the early going! Let’s see if he can keep Impact grounded long enough to get the win!

Kojack pulls Impact to his feet, yelling at the ref about what he thinks was a slow count. The veteran turns to whip Impact into the ropes, but finds that while he was paying attention to the ref, Impact had apparently disappeared. Of course, that isn’t true, as Kojack quickly found out. When he turned around, a smiling Impact was ready and waiting with a stiff kick to the midsection, followed by a swift DDT, spiking the top of Kojack’s head into the mat, and drawing cheers from the crowd. Impact climbs on top of Kojack, and starts pounding away with right hands to the head of his opponent, one after another, as the crowd counts along.

Mostly Drunk Crowd: One! Seven! Sixteen! Three! Ten!

King: Cock!

Edwin: I’m confused...

Axis: We need some coffee here people, stat!

Impact looks up, bewildered at the stupidity, and when he turns back to continue the attack, he gets met with a right hand to the jaw, thanks to Kojack. Impact falls backwards, and Kojack quickly gets to his feet. He sits back, waiting for Impact to get up. He does, and tries to hit a side kick, but Kojack catches his leg, and flips him around and to the ground, sending Impact spinning. Kojack laughs at his opponent’s pain, and moves in to dish out more punishment. After Kojack brings his foot down hard on Impact’s midsection a few times, he drags Impact up standing. The Orange One whips Impact into the ropes, and hits a bone rattling jawbreaker, sending Impact back down to the mat.

Axis: Impact is really taking a beating in there.

King: Just like Edwin beats cock!

Edwin: Yeah... I mean, hey!

As SK mentions something about a “Blinky,” Kojack hooks the leg for the pin attempt.

One! Two! Kickout! Impact just barely gets out of the pin in time.

Kojack is really starting to get angry, this time getting right in the ref’s face, jawing off hardcore as the crowd shows what they think of the Suplexer. As Kojack and the ref go back and forth, Impact gets back to his feet, and comes up behind his foe. Impact grins to the crowd, who eat it up. Then, with lightning speed, he wraps his arm around Kojack’s neck, and falls down to a sitting position, hitting the reverse DDT to a big time pop. Impact uses his new found energy to rain down boots, one after another, with increasing intensity, his face contorted in concentration.

Edwin: Now Kojack knows how it feels!

King: How what feels? Cock?

Axis: Dammit, shut up about cock!

King: What’s that? You love cock?

Axis: You’re impossible.

Edwin: No, he’s cock!

King: That doesn’t even make sense.

Edwin: Um... look! A wrestling match! Let’s pay attention to that instead!

Kojack knocks Impact backwards with a quick kick to the gut, and scrambles back to his feet, trying to regain his composure. Impact goes for a big kick to the mouth, but Kojack catches his leg, hooks it in, and with a burst of strength, hits a Fishhook Suplex! Impact’s body crashes onto the mat as he yells out in pain. Both men lay on their backs for a moment, catching their breath. After a few seconds, Kojack goes back on the attack, picking a hurting Impact up, and putting him right back down with a snap suplex, rattling the ring. He holds on after the move is completed, pulls Impact back up, and hits another snap suplex. He lets go this time, and makes a cover, but doesn’t hook a leg.

One! Two! Kickout!

King: See what happens when you don’t hook the leg? It’s waaaaay too easy to kick out.

Edwin: I’m sure you know allllll about hooking other men’s legs.

King: Actually, I do. That’s why I’m a former SWF Champion!

Edwin:

Although Kojack’s frustration is evident on his face, he only shoots the ref a nasty look, remembering what happened the last time that he took his mind off the match. He picks a groggy, dazed Impact up, and shoots him into the ropes. He waits for the rebound, and locks in a waist lock, then tosses Impact high over his head, in a huge belly to belly suplex! Impact does an entire flip in the air, landing on his chest, knocking the wind out of him. Kojack drops down for a cover, but Impact quickly rolls out of the ring onto the floor to recover. Kojack frowns, and climbs down to give chase. Just as he hits the ground, however, Impact quickly slides back into the ring. Kojack yells some obscenities, and climbs up onto the ring apron, wary of the drop kick he took at the beginning of the match. He climbs in, and rushes at Impact. But the lighter, quicker Impact jumps up over Kojack’s head, bounces off the ropes on the other side, and on the rebound, hits a huge facebuster! Impact pulls the larger man to his feet, and whips him into the ring ropes. He waits for Kojack to bounce back, and when he does, Impact jumps up in the air, wraps his legs around Kojack’s neck, and flips backwards, taking down Kojack, to a big crowd reaction! Impact floats over for the pin, hooking the leg!

One! Two! No! Kojack just barely kicks out in time!

Axis: There is Impact using that great agility of his. Kojack has managed to keep him mostly grounded up to this point.

King: Grounded like... your mom!

Axis: That was stupid, K.

King: At least I don’t love the cock!

Edwin: Ha! Take that!

King ...like Edwin does.

Edwin: Hey!

Impact backs off, showing off to the crowd and hopping in place. His eyes get wide, as he sees Kojack stumble to his feet and lean against the ropes to catch is breath. Impact takes off at a dead sprint, straight at the dazed Kojack. Impact leaps forward, arm extended, and goes flying over the top rope. But, he grabs Kojack’s head and pulls him down as well, all the way over to the outside. Both men slam the ground hard, but Impact seems to either feel no pain or pay no attention to it, because almost instantly he is back to his feet, in the ring, and scaling a turnbuckle. He crouches on the top rung of the ropes, with the cheering crowd ringing in their ears. Like a coiled spring, he leaps high in the air, leg extended in front of him. He comes crashing down; Kojack square in his sights... but Kojack rolls out of the way! Impact lives up to his moniker, crashing hard onto the mats.

Edwin: Now, how smart was that?

King: As smart as the cock!

Axis: If you say that one more freaking time...

Kojack, who used the time to catch his breath, is quickly on his feet, and on the attack. He pulls Impact to his feet, and whips him hard into the crowd barrier, nearly sending Impact tumbling in to the crowd. The Suplexing Maniac quickly follows behind, clutching Impact’s noggin in his hands, and pulling him over to the steel ring steps. With a thundering crash, Impact’s skull meets steel, slicing open a cut just above the eye. With the boos of the crowd sounding in his ears, Kojack tries it again. But this time, Impact puts his hands out to block the blow, and instead slams his opponent’s face into the steps, to a loud cheer.

Axis: See? They are getting behind the rookie!

King: Getting behind... like the cock!

Kojack stumbles backwards, rocked by the blow, but Impact quickly pulls him over to the ring and rolls him in. He stands Kojack up, and lifts him up in the air, then drops him back down in a scoop slam in the center of the ring. Impact glances at his fallen foe, and seems to get an idea. He takes off for the ring ropes, jumping up to the second one. He lands on it, and springs backwards, into a backflip, going for From Above! But, as has happened so much already in this match, Kojack counters by putting his knees up, digging them into Impact’s chest. Impact rolls away in pain, moaning. Kojack pulls himself up to his feet, and after a quick breather, covers Impact!

One! Two! Thr-Kickout! Impact barely managed to get the shoulder up!

Axis: Impact is really paying the price for all of these high risk maneuvers! Sooner or later, it’s going to cost him!

King: Judging by how he looks now, it already did...

Edwin: Like the cock!

King: No, Edwin. No.

Kojack pulls Impact back to standing. Impact is sent into the ropes, and eats a snap suplex on the rebound. The smaller man is grimacing as Kojack picks him up high in the air, falling backwards, hitting the back body drop. Impact screams, holding his kidneys, as Kojack makes the signal to the crowd that it’s time to finish things. He hauls Impact up, and picks him up on his shoulders, going for the Kojackulation! The crowd begins to buzz; knowing the end is near. Kojack spins around in place, showing off his strength, but meanwhile, Impact is wrestling out of the hold, into a sitting position on Kojack’s shoulders! With the weight not as spread out, Kojack begins to wobble around. Impact falls backwards, pulling Kojack’s head down along with him, spiking it down in a huge reverse facebuster! THUMP goes Kojack’s skull on the mat, as the crowd roars its approval! Impact falls to his back, exhausted.

Edwin: Yikes! That was quite the reversal out of the rookie!

Axis: He knew he needed to get out of there or lose the match, and he did it!

With both men down, the ref starts his ten count!

Ref: One! Two! Three! Four! Five!

Impact is struggling over to the ropes.

Ref: Six! Seven! Eight!

Impact’s hand closes on the bottom rope, stopping the count. He pulls himself up to his feet, trying to calm his nerves and catch his breath at the same time. With Kojack still down, he takes a running start, and drops a leg across his opponent’s neck, cutting off the air supply momentarily. Impact starts to get his second (or, maybe third or fourth) wind, running into the ropes, and dropping the point of his elbow into the solar plexus. With Kojack clearly on the defensive, the crowd begins to get louder in support of Impact, even starting a few scattered chants, mostly from drunks.

King: Geeze, look at these people! Not even through one full match, and already hammered! They must love the cock or something.

Edwin: Either that or the booze.

Axis: With some of these people, probably both...

As the Gang of Three continue their observations of the paying customers, Impact continues the assault. Kojack struggles to his feet, but Impact sends him back down with a series of lightning quick strike kicks to the knees and calves. Kojack manages to get up and push Impact away towards the ropes, but Impact just carries the momentum up the second rope, jumping off of it, and hitting a huge spear in midair! Tornado sends Kojack sprawling on the mat, totally out of it! Impact signals for the top, and leaps up to the top turnbuckle. He turns, facing his opponent, and after a grin and a nod to the crowd, he jumps off, flipping forward, with one leg tucked in, and the other extended. As the flip is completed, he brings the extended leg down precisely across Kojack’s neck, nailing the Thunder Bomb!

Axis: The Thunder Bomb! That’s his move!

King: How do you know that?

Axis: It’s called research. You know, part of your job!

Edwin: I did some research in 10th grade for a term paper!

King: Probably about the cock.

Impact rolls over top of Kojack, pulling on the leg! The crowd chants with the ref!

One! Two! Three!

DING! DING! DING!

Funyon: Your winner, by pinfall, IIIIIIIIIMMMMMMMMPAAAAAACT!

Impact, overcome with joy, climbs the nearest turnbuckle, celebrating his first JL win. He leaps down, sliding out of the ring, and nearly skips down to the stage, he is so excited.

Axis: There you have it! Impact is victorious in his debut match in the JL!

King: Yay! I would have rather been circumcised by a blind Mexican.

Edwin: I know a blind Mexican!

Axis: I would like to apologize to the entire Mexican community on behalf of SWF Entertainment, Inc. Stay tuned for more SJL Crimson action, right after this!

May 26, 2002

The screen immediately cuts to the inside of the jam-packed MCI Center where thousands of fans line the rows like cocaine in the White House. The camera somberly pans the arena, as signs like, “Creed Has Desire” spackle the pumped audience. Suddenly, the camera cuts to the three stooges, where Edwin is creating a towering card castle and King and Axis discuss quantum physics…

King: “There’s no way in hell that her boobs are fake!”

Axis: “King, just look at her in the ‘Mickey Mouse Club’ and then watch that video with her and the snake.”

King: “No! My Brittany is pure!”

The King of Hearts slams his fist onto the announcer’s table, as Eddie Mac’s immense card castle teeters a bit, and then topples over and onto the soda-coated floor. As Edwin pounces on King like a Zebra in heat, Axis notices the camera and leaps into action.

Axis: “Welcome back ladies and gentlemen, we’re already one match into the night, as newcomer to the SJL Impact certainly made an impact by putting up a tremendous fight against Kojack in a fantastic match! We won’t give away the ending for those of you just tuning in; so you’ll just have to scroll upward…er…buy the tape to find out who won that magnificent battle. However, one thing is for sure, Impact showed the viewers around the world just how he got his name. We go backstage now to check in on Impact after his debut match.”

Edwin (backing away from the bloodied King): “Snooch to the noonch!”

The screen abruptly cuts to a dark and dank hallway, where Impact is seen slumping back to his dressing room. His now crimson hair streams down his face, discolored from blood shed in the previous matchup. Suddenly, Impact stops dead, and turns to the right, where a door marked “Impact” signifies the placement of his dressing room. He opens the door, and steps into a proverbial sea of darkness. Impact flips the light switch, which reveals a small room, with a closet to the side. He paces to the side of the room, where a small sink rests. Impact twirls the sink’s nozzle, telegraphing a stream of cold and clear water to immerge from the sink’s mouth. He bends over to begin washing his face when suddenly…

*flicker, flicker, flicker*

The overhead lights go on and off a few times, signifying a metaphorical war between darkness and light. Darkness wins out however as the lights flicker one final time, and gloom consumes the room. Silence falls over the room for an instant, the only sound being the constant trickle of H20. The silence shatters abruptly however, along with the mirror, as a loud thumping noise signifying the contact of wood and skin is heard, and then a thunderous cracking noise. Silence…the pitter-patter of footsteps are heard, followed by the door swinging, barely grasping onto its hinges, and then the inevitable slam signifying the shutting of a door. After seven or eight seconds of nothingness, the lights flicker back on. The camera zooms in on a shattered mirror, splattered with blood, and then pans to the floor where the bloodied heap that is Impact lays unconscious on the ground in a puddle of his own crimson juice. Just as the camera is about to cut back to the announcers, a rolling sound is heard, and a blood-soaked aluminum baseball bat sways into view.

Axis: “What the fuck just happened!?”

Edwin: “I don’t know Axis, I just don’t know. Snooch snooch snooch, we’ll be back in a noonch!”

May 26, 2002

Smark Junior League Crimson returns from a short commercial break, and kicks back up into the hot sizzling action and excitement. The totally SOLD OUT M.C.I. Center in Washington, D.C. comes to life, welcoming the Smark Junior League with a standing ovation. The camera catches signs such as “Is Xero in the WF yet?”, along with “CUTTHROAT!!”, “The New Sound on CD!!”, and many, many more being broadcasted to televisions all over the world. Long after panning around the entire arena the camera returns home to show everybody’s favorite commenting trio of Axis, The Suicide King, and Edwin MacPhisto who is just finishing on munching down the last of a Chaco Taco.

Edwin: “Hi-didily-ho Smark Junior League fans!! Welcome to Crimson!!”

Axis: “Your so cruel Edwin…”

King: “Ha ha!! A Spread Eagle on the Car Match between Cutthroat and to T-Bone!!”

Edwin: “Wow! King likes me for once!”

King: “Oh, this is my dream come true!”

Edwin: “I’m glad your happy King.”

Axis: “There’s a first time for everything I guess…”

King: “On with the match!!”

Edwin: “Yeah! Let’s get it on!!”

Axis: “Hmmm…”

There is an instantaneous blackout through out the entire arena with an electric sound and then a pause; only the light rhythms of a song can be heard. Then, an explosion fills the entrance with enchanting silver light and all the lights slowly flash a blue, and it paints the entire arena in a steel blue, as a thunderclap echoes through the arena with segues into Our Lady Peace’s “Whatever” blasting through the speakers and rocking the arena to it’s very core. Then Cutthroat comes out driving his sleek, steel blue Ferrari F-50 with Clair in the right side seat. Cutthroat meets the millions of earth shattering cheers, yell, wooos, and many other rants and other sounds along with them, all coming from his millions of fans as the lights flash in rhythm with the music. Funyon announces the combatant of the match; “The following contest is a Spread Eagle on the Car Match, now driving his way to the ring hailing from Greenwich, Connecticut, weighing in at 214 pounds, being accompanied to the ring by Clair, Cutthroat!!” Cutthroat drives his car down the big ramp and parks it right near the ring. Then Cutthroat hops out of the car, slides into the ring and does his ritual as Clair waits patently down at ringside in the car’s seat. Cutthroat jumps up onto the second rope, and throws his arms up into the air and absorbs all the cheers from his millions of Cutthroatholics.

Edwin: “Nice car!”

King: “As much as I hate to say it…nice car, Cutthroat.”

Axis: “Agreed…”

Cutthroat asks the ring manger to toss up a microphone, which he does, and Cutthroat catches it. The crowd realizes that Cutthroat is going to speak, therefore the cheer extremely loud and gets all of their signs and such up in the air. The camera catches and zooms in on a group of teens sitting in a row, each holding a sign that has one letter on it in blue. All nine signs put together spell out “C U T T H R O A T!” Then Cutthroat razes the microphone up to his mouth and speaks; “Hey Washington, DC!!” The crowd reacts to the simple hello from their favorite Smark Junior League wrestler. “Alright, I goda ask you guys something…” The crowd quiets down to listen. “Do you people want to see me in a Spread Eagle on the Car Match?” Cutthroat receives no response from the crowd. “Well…I’m gonna participate in that match anyway. So T-Bone let’s see you come out here and for fit this match up.” says Cutthroat, getting ready to put on the barbed wire thong.

Edwin: “Wow! Cutthroat is actually calling some one out!”

The arena’s lights dim, and the first bell rings from AC/DC's "Hell's Bells." The Smark Tron shows T-Bone hitting a Tiger Driver '91 on Kojack to win the T.V. Title, T-Bone accepting the title, and then T-Bone spitting out his A-1 Steak Sauce into the camera. Then the lights flash on and off, and T-Bone comes out onto the stage with a microphone in one hand and a steel chair in another, as the crowd boos T-Bone heavily. Then T-Bone brings the microphone up to his lips and talks; “You’re sick…you wouldn’t dare to do it, Cutthroat!” Cutthroat responds with a simple; “Oh really?”

King: “T-Bone wouldn’t put the thong on either…”

Cutthroat quickly slips on the thong and hops out of the ring to his car.

Axis: “He’s doing it!! Cutthroat is actually doing it!!”

King: “Cool…”

Then Cutthroat lifts up the hood of his car and pulls a jumper cable out and clips it onto a peace of the barbed wire then takes it right off. The ring bell goes “Ding Ding Ding!!” ending the match as Cutthroat removes the thong and cable and throws them both away. Finally, Cutthroat shuts the hood of his car and picks the microphone back up to his mouth. “There on did it! Happy T-Bone?” says Cutthroat as he pulls a cup out of his pants.

King: “Tis! What a chicken…”

Axis: “Yes, but that was a very smart move by Cutthroat.”

T-Bone, who is now extremely pissed off, throws down the microphone and makes his way down the ramp with a steel chair still firmly in his hand. Cutthroat starts walking towards T-Bone now. The two men are on a direct collision course. They both meet and T-Bone razes the chair up to smack Cutthroat but before it comes down on Cutthroat, Cutthroat gives the chair a hard and swift kick that sends it smashing into T-Bone’s face, giving him the Cold Steel and then knocking him off the low end of the ramp where he lay motionless. The crowd gives a huge pop over the Cold Steel to T-Bone.

Axis: “Whoa! I don’t think T-Bone saw that coming!”

Then Cutthroat hops backing into his sleek, steel blue Ferrari F-50 as Clair gives Blaine Kalem a few small claps and Our Lady Peace’s “Whatever” begins to play once more. Cutthroat gives Clair a short kiss then starts the engine and drives out of the arena, reaching his arm out to slap the hands of the lucky enough audience members. After a long while the music stops, the cheers quite down, and the camera returns home to show everybody’s favorite commenting trio of Axis, The Suicide King, and Edwin MacPhisto once again.

Edwin: “Wow, what a nice car…”

King: “Shut up MacPhisto…”

Axis: “All good things must come to an end, eh Eddy?”

Edwin: “Sigh”

Axis: “We have a lot of action left with a Hide And Seek Bra and Panties Match, a Reverse Inferno Match, a Nature’s Gift Nutshot Match, and our main event, a Triple Threat Cage Match for the SJL World Title between Ash Ketchum, Frost, and the champ Durandal, so don’t go away SJL fans, we’ll be right back!!”

King: “And don’t forget………FUCK YOU GOD DAM COCK LOVERS!!!!!”

The camera fades out from King giving every one the finger the quickly cuts to a commercial…

May 26, 2002

An opening shot displays the MCI Center, as dozens of hobos attempt to break into the arena. The interior of the arena is displayed on screen, jam-packed with DC’ers cheering loudly, from the front row snobs, to the nosebleed hippies. A close-up shot displays Edwin, King, and Axis, seated around a game board, which is soon revealed to be Star Wars Monopoly. Eddie Mac and King’s voices are the first to be heard, as both are quarreling, as usual.

King: “Fuck you, you fuck eating, fuck faced, mother fucking, fuck fucker!”

Edwin: “No. YOU are the one who is the fuck fucker! I bought the Death Star fair and square!”

King: “I called it at the beginning of the game!”

Edwin: “You can’t just CALL stuff! You’re game piece has to get to the property first!”

King: “Speaking of game pieces, why the hell do you get Princess Leah in a bikini and I’m stuck with Jar Jar Binks over here!”

Axis: “Ahem. We go backstage now to take a gander at Cutthroat, recovering from his Spread the Eagle on the Car match against Frost!”

The screen performs a star wipe, transitioning to Cutthroat himself, who is limping to the back with an ice pack encasing his barbed wire thong wearing winky. As Cutthroat stumbles down a hallway, illuminated by a single overhead light, the resounding clatter of a metal object being dragged across the floor rings in his ears. Cutthroat comes to a screeching halt, barely letting out a “Who’s there?” As silence consumes the eerily lit hallway, Cutthroat glances around his shoulder, when suddenly…

*Crash*

The unmistakable sound of a light bulb breaking echoes throughout the hall, as darkness fills all of Cutthroat’s surroundings.

“Look man, give me a break! I just had to wear a freaking barbed wire thong and hook myself up to a car for Christ’s sake!”

Cutthroat’s pleads fall on idle ears however, as the eerie silence is unexpectedly shattered with the sound of metal cracking over a human’s skull. As the sound of footsteps travels down the proverbial tunnel of death, several security guards rush around the corner, holding flashlights.

“Hey! What the hell just happened to this guy?”

”Oh my God! Look at his head! This is going to need some stitches. Get me some ice tongs, applesauce, and a cardboard cutout of Ted Flick STAT!”

“But doctor, it’s only Cutthroat.”

”Hmmmmm…You have a point, but this man could slip into a coma any second now. Hurry!”

“Well, waist of applesauce if you ask me, but orders are orders! Get the doctor what he needs!”

The sound of obese security guards scattering throughout the halls are heard as the screen cuts back to Axis, Edwin, and King, who sit at the announcers table, with their jaws dropped like Hugh Grant’s pants.

Edwin: “Gee wiz.”

Axis (still in shock): “Indeed. Um, we’ll be back in a tick or two, so stay, um, tuned.”

Edwin: “Gee wiz.”

King: “It was just Cutthroat…”

Edwin: “Gee wiz.”

May 26, 2002

Hide And Seek Bra and Panties Match

Scott Reid vs. Creed

I don't have it as of yet. I know Creed no showed, so I'm assuming you both did.

May 26, 2002

Z, Mafia, Scott Reid, T-Bone, Creed, and Cutthroat are lined up against the wall. One by one, Thoth walks by and punches them in the testicles.

You know what? I was going to do a semi-in character promo, but fuck it. I am so filled with emotions I don’t even understand, I’m going to take them out on you. Jesus. Either write, or say that you can’t. Take some time off. But you know? When you sign up for this, you have an obligation, to write. Obligation. Cutthroat, don’t even say anything, just look it up in the dictionary.

Jesus, this whole hall smells like weed. It’s so pungent that I’m getting high off it right now. And I’m not pleasant, even when I’m high. You fucking whores. I want to take each one of you and give it to you hard and rough up the ass. I want to bleed you good, so every time you take a shit, it hurts. And I don’t use lube. Hell, I won’t even give you a reach-around.

Fuckers.

And every time I try to post something about something I like, you fuckers spam it up with your inane dumb shit! Do you know how that makes me feel? Do you? Insensitive fucks. I hate you all, fucking no-showers.

You love the cock? No, that’s too good of a term for you. No, when the ozone layer burns away, you sluts are going to be the first to die, because I’m going to kill you, and it’ll be justified because I’ll be saving air.

You fuckers. I am literally crying because I hate you that much. Especially Cutthroat. WHY THE FUCK DO YOU PREDICT YOURSELF TO WIN? AND WHY DO YOU CALL YOURSELF JL GOD? You know who was JL God? Thugg. Because he FUCKING WROTE. All you do is suck your own dick, and whatever you jizz out is what you post on the boards.

T-Bone... you fucking suck. You were around when *I* was a n00b. And look where I got, and look where you are.

Z... I liked you. A lot. I marked a match where you legitimately beat Tom Flesher/Durandal. Don’t piss your life away in the gutter! You fucking alcoholic.

Reid/Creed... your names rhyme. You also don’t write. Fuck you.

Mafia... I’m too tired to insult you personally. You loose fuck.

(Note: None of these attacks are personal. Except for Cutthroat. I know you’ve considered suicide in the past, Cutthroat. I want you to consider it again.)

May 26, 2002

(The camera returns from the commercial for the JL Cook Book IV with the secret recipe to T-Bone’s steak sauce and the Cock’s new special drink mix! However the camera begins it’s normal trip around the arena as it shows the mark’s sign trying to humiliate or encourage a wrestler. But it cuts its trip short after a “ Mandatory Frost!” sign. It quickly cuts to the announcer’s table where Axis talks on his headset and Edwin nods slowly while King’s head is thrown back in laughter.)

King wipes a tear out of his eye as he proclaims, “This is truly the JL at it’s best!”

“Yes it is! Soon the reverse inferno and semen match will approach, the cage match –big pops- but first we have the newbie Mak Francis taking on the veteran Insane Luchador! HUZZAH! Winner gets a shot at the Euro title and the loser gets the chance at nabbing the TV!” Edwin proclaims with his wild red hair and goofy grin.

“But first we have the notice that there’s some activity backstage. As Ben Hardy’s cameraman sent in the tape we have confirmed that IL is out of New Sound. But also gave Hardy a bit of a beat-down.” Axis begins. “Which is why we cut to this very abruptly.” Axis finishes as the camera flickers off and a new camera is seen backstage.

“We’ll now use technology so we can talk while all you fans at home can still watch the action!” Axis then explains.

“Yes, we’re backstage right now because the camera got word that Andrew Rickmen is planning an unexpected visit to Mak! The evil fiend, he even injured Ben Hardy! BEN HARDY!” Edwin proclaims as Andrew Rickmen’s shoes click as he walks down the light-up hallway. Rickmen then stops at one door, wrapping a chain around his knuckles and Rickmen throws out a kick, which causes the door to swing wide open.

Mak sitting down in a plaid recliner with his normal tights and self-plugging black tee shirt, Tyler Kinkel in the business suit leaps up. Andrew Rickmen standing 6’1” is a tad shorter than Mak yet not intimated by Francis who lunges out of the chair. The tension in the air is nearly unbearable. Mak grunts loudly and then True Plague leaps forward throwing his fist straight at Mak. A Francis step back and catches the punch by the wrist and Mak twists the whole arm as Insane Luchador drops the chain.

“Huzzah! Look at Mak shows him!”

Insane Luchador then swings himself around and throws his arm out as it slams into the back of Mak’s head. Kinkel releases the hold and Insane Luchador slowly turns himself around and then lunges out tackling Mak to the ground.

“Hey!” Tyler screams as he grabs Andrew Rickmen throwing his hood back and then grabs the spikes. Kinkel then tries to pull Andrew up. But Insane Luchador with closed fists begins to throw punches to Mak’s face. Mak throws his head to the side and he grabs IL’s throat squeezing hard. Insane Luchador’s lungs whine for air but he continues to throw the harsh punches. Tyler is finally able to pull Luchador to his feet. Kinkel using his wrestling knowledge locks in a sleeper hold. IL throws his elbow back and it slams into Tyler’s ribs and he backs off. Kinkel then lunges for his wood clipboard as he turns around swinging it over his head slamming onto the top of IL’s skull.

“Ouch! There’s a pain that will linger!” Edwin announces as Insane Luchador crumbles to his knees.

Mak back on his feet grabs Plague’s chin and he brings him out the door towards the ring entrance.

“They’re coming out here!” Axis says with glee.

“This match is scheduled for one fall and the victor gets the exclusive shot at the European Title while the loser gets a shot at the TV…” Funyon announces to cheers. The camera sets back to the top of the aisle and suddenly Insane Luchador gets heaved out and he slams to the hollow metal and begins to roll down the entrance way. Mak and Tyler emerge to many cheers (since the fans hate IL) and they run down the ramp entrance towards Insane Luchador. Plague slams into the ring, which stops him as he groans loudly clutching his left arm but he lets go checking to see if it’s fine. Tyler with his clipboard walks across the ringside and pulls a steel chair away from a ring worker and he drags it to the announcer’s table. He places it next to Edwin MacPhisto and puts on the extra headset.

“Your boy is sure showing IL.” Axis points out.

“Nah… IL will kick Mak’s ass.” King interrupts and Tyler nods towards Axis.

The bell chimes as Mak lifts Insane Luchador and rolls him into the ring. Mak slides in also and IL gets to his feet and retreats to a corner.

Insane Luchador and Mak both step forward and grapple in middle of the ring. Insane Luchador throws a knee into Mak’s gut and he bends down as IL slides his hands around Mak’s wrist and turns it around into a hammerlock. Francis wraps his free left arm around the Insane Luchador grabbing his pressure points in the back of the neck. IL loosens the grip and Mak quickly falls to his knees and hits the snapmare on Plague.

“See the skill he has!” Tyler points out.

Luchador gets back to his feet and Francis follows up with another grapple. Francis then rotates his grip to IL’s wrist and he whips him into the ropes. As Andrew Rickmen comes back Mak Francis and he drops to his belly with his feet wrapping around Rickmen and dropping him onto the canvas face first. Mak then mounts onto the back of Insane Luchador and grabs his ankle and pulls back, then retaining the hold Francis grabs Andrew’s neck and tugs. Eddy Long sighs as he drops to his knee asking Insane Luchador if he wants to quit. Andrew gargles out a no, and his hands flail for the ropes.

“Mak knows what he’s doing. He’s near the center of the ring.” Kinkel points out and Edwin agrees as Tyler jots down that note.

In the ring Insane Luchador continues to refuse and is too far from the ropes. Rickmen suddenly has a brilliant idea as Mak’s arm is around his chin. Andrew extends his head as Franchise without realizing it has the lock on IL’s throat. Insane Luchador exaggerate with choking sounds as Long makes that note telling Mak he has four counts.

“That’s a choke!” King yells out.

Mak lets go with a sigh as Insane Luchador though laying on his stomach grins. He then gets to his feet slowly and Mak slaps Mr. Long in the face and points to the ring entrance. Eddy looks over as it gives Francis enough time to throw a kick right in-between IL’s legs!

“Hey! Whoa!” Edwin cries out, as the fans give mixed reactions.

“That’s low!” Axis protests.

Eddy turns around in confusion to see Mak grappling with Insane Luchador by the ropes. Mak then shoves Rickmen into the ropes and as he returns almost instantly Francis hits a front headlock and grabs the inside of one of IL’s pockets. He quickly lifts Insane Luchador into the air and then falls to his back. Rickmen bounces off the canvas as Andrew groans in pain. Francis makes the quick cover,

ONE!

Kick out before the two count.

“Way too early.” King points out to the newbie.

“He knows!” Tyler says defensively.

Tyler then grabs Insane Luchador by a section of his baggy black sweatshirt pulling him up. Dazed and swaying Tyler steps behind IL and throws his elbow to the back of his head. Rickmen swears out loud as his vision blurs from near tears of pain and he falls down to his hands and knees. Mak lifts his black boot up and hovers it over IL’s back and then goes to launch it down. Rickmen predicts his mover as he rolls out of the way. The canvas shakes and Insane Luchador recovers back to his feet coughing. The two stands there defensively and then both lunge back into another grapple. Andrew Rickmen this time gets the upper hand and is able to shove Francis off. He lunges again at True Plague again. Insane Luchador shoves him off again and then throws out a right-handed fist into Mak’s lip. Francis swaggers backwards and Insane Luchador follows up with a boxer like straight punch to Mak’s chest. He gasps for air but Insane Luchador bends down and spears him down to the mat. Insane Luchador with a left hand hoists up Francis’s head. He then begins to punch rapidly on his forehead and chin. Mak eyes look around but there are no ropes anywhere.

Kudos to you Plague… Mak Francis thinks as pain spreads throughout his body, Franchise throws a fist up as it slams into IL’s chin. Insane Luchador stops and brings him up to his feet by his shirt. Andrew grapples and lets go leaping into the air and wraps his legs round Mak’s neck. Insane Luchador goes for the hurricana and he pulls himself upwards more but instead Francis puts his hands on his back.

“What’s he going for?” Axis asks and Edwin shrugs.

Mak falls to his upper back, as he’s ready to hit the powerbomb. Francis then lifts him even higher and he falls to his back! Insane Luchador’s legs unwrap and Insane Luchador lands to the side of the Franchise and he slams into the canvas face first. Mak barely taking any pain gets back to his feet and pulls Rickmen up. Mak Francis then punches IL into the kidney and he gets into a Russian Leg Sweep as he falls back hitting it perfectly. Mak taunts getting more mixed reactions. Francis makes the cover again,

One! The chant chants.

Two! People scream out. But instead Insane Luchador’s aching body kicks up breaking the pin. Andrew Rickmen rolls away grabbing the ropes to steady himself as he lifts himself up. Franchise throws a kick out but Insane Luchador catches it and pulls him in. Andrew Rickmen then hooks his two arms and puts the head to the side and leaps into the air and hits a nasty double arm DDT! Insane Luchador lies in middle of the ring as he runs towards the ropes and leaps up bouncing on the top ropes jumping into the air with an insane amount of air. He pulls his body weight back and flips his body into moonsault as he descends in rapid speed. Mak’s eyes flutter open to see The True Plague nearly crashing down onto him. Franchise hears Tyler’s warning as he hollers and he tries to roll out of the way but Rickmen slams into him laying there for the pin! The crowd go crazy with boos but the ref is able to hear him think as Eddy drops to his gut.

ONE! “I-L SUCKS!” Chant begins.

TWO!

Thre, Mak is able to throw his shoulder up in the air. Insane Luchador growls as he gets to his feet ribs sore from the high-flying action.

“That was an amazing springboard moonsault!” Axis says with awe as Edwin shakes his head slowly in agreement.

Andrew Rickmen hits a stomp with his black skate shoe on Francis, and Rickmen grabs him by his hair and lifts him to his feet. Mak is able to ignore the pain and throw a forearm that slams into IL’s chest and causes him to fall to the ground. Insane Luchador takes his time getting back to his feet but he’s baffled, as he can’t see Mak anywhere. Soon he feels pressure around his waist and he realizes what’s happening. Franchise throws his body back and tosses IL overhead hitting the first German Suplex. Francis retains the hold and he struggles to pull the resisting Insane Luchador back to the position. He then throws him overhead loosening the grip as IL slips out of his arms! Rickmen ducks his legs in and back flips he is able to land gracefully avoid the German Suplex. Mak gets up baffled and Insane Luchador sees the chance!

“This is for the shot, I can see how both men will go all out…” Edwin says, “But going for these moves so early?” He points out.

Andrew is able to hit the full nelson! IL pulls Mak back into the closest turnbuckle still hanging onto the hold.

“NO!” Tyler cries out as he leaps out of his seat and runs towards the ringside as he shouts at him to flip IL over! Insane Luchador perched on the top turnbuckle spits down on Kinkel and then leaps swinging his legs around… but Mak slips out! Insane Luchador lands on his BUTT as Mak throws a hard kick to the back of IL’s head knocking him onto his back nearly out, right by the turnbuckle. Franchise smiles as the chant of “I-L Sucks!” Is heated up, Mak climbs to the top turnbuckle himself and leaps more upwards than outwards and twists his body to the side putting his elbow out! He connects with Insane Luchador and he hooks the leg for the pin!

“It’s over! HUZZAH!” Edwin explodes and Axis grins while SK groans in disappointment.

ONE!

TWO!

THREE! But Eddy Long sees on important factor, as he raises his fingers up into a two!

“What?” Axis blurts, and Eddy Long points to Insane Luchador’s hand lied across the rope! “Score!” King also blurts.

Mak gets to his feet screaming at Eddy as the fans boo without mercy. Insane Luchador without knowing of Tyler’s presence retreats to ringside. He falls onto his back while Mak is in the ring shoving and screaming at the ref, while Tyler gets a sly look on his face. Kinkel walks over to the nearest chair as he folds it up and stalks towards the True Plague. Tyler reaches Insane Luchador who’s leaning against the turnbuckle on the outside breathing in heavily. Tyler lifts the chair up and to his side and swings harshly as Insane Luchador whips around and ducks! The chair slams into the ring post making a deafening clunk and it sends a vibration as if Tyler had hit a gong way too hard. Tyler drops the chair stunned for a moment as Plague slips behind him. “Can you feel my pain? No? Let’s share the pain…” He whispers harshly as he grabs the back of his brown hair and then slams Tyler face first into the ring post. However Tyler moved his head to the side and the pain overwhelms him. As he falls to the ground crippled a gash is exposed and slowly does the crimson red blood escape and descend over his face. Mak stares in shock then screams out at Insane Luchador in rage. IL slides back into the ring cautiously and mouths a “What?” Mak charges at him as Insane Luchador bends down and is able to catch his leg and sweep him to the ground. Andrew Rickmen retreats to the other corner as Franchise gets back to his feet winded. This time Andrew Rickmen charges towards the Franchise. Mak smartly ducks down and Andrew falls onto his back as Mak flips him over the ropes! Andrew lands besides the nearly knocked out Kinkel as the ref begins the count out.

ONE! Insane Luchador gets to his hands and knees.

TWO! IL crawls over to the ring post where Mak’s back is turned.

THREE! He reaches past the ring post and grabs the inside of Francis’s ankle and trips him!

”That dirty…” Edwin begins as he sees what Luchador is doing.

Andrew with his two arms grabs a different leg as he tugs toward him but Francis’s jewels slam into the turnbuckle! He lets out a shrilled cry and he grabs his groin. But Andrew does the same assault again, and then lets Mak lay there in agony.

“IL loves the cock.” Edwin points out with a laugh.

Andrew Rickmen slides into the ring, lifting Mak up. Franchise makes an attempt to fight back as he launches various punches to IL’s gut! But then as he shoves Insane Luchador away he turns his body to the side, taking a few steps back then lunges forward with a super kick! Andrew almost flies as he slams to the mat, not done but very close to wanting to give up. Mak stalks over grabbing Insane Luchador by the back of the neck as he pulls him up. Francis then spins him around and hits another front headlock.

“A suplex? Wait no!” Axis asks then catches on.

Mak then hooks the leg into a Fisherman’s Suplex pose as he begins to lift, but Insane Luchador as he starts to go into the air throws his free knee into Mak’s stomach causing him to drop him back to the starting position. Franchise tries again, but Andrew puts too much of a struggle.

“If you don’t succeed at first try, try again… but then quit you don’t want to look like a jackass.” Suicide King quotes with a hollow laugh.

Mak goes for that theory letting go of Insane Luchador, but instead he places a steel grasp on his wrist, whipping him into the ropes! Insane Luchador comes back but he bends his knees a bit and leaps over him! Mak turns around to receive a kick to the gut! “I-L SUCKS THE COCK!” Chant begins, and Andrew flips the crowd off as he hits the front headlock and he leaps into the air hitting the Evenflow DDT!

“Evenflow DDT it’s over!” King proclaims with glee.

“No!” Edwin says with a sob.

“What is IL doing?” Axis asks.

It’s a good question as Insane Luchador with Mak lying there lifeless in the center of the ring he walks up to the top turnbuckle, and mounts it. He faces the crowd doing his cross pose and he bends his knees leaping into the air and corkscrewing his body while executing a moonsault! He lands precisely with a splash on Francis for a pin!

“I don’t believe it! Insane Luchador just reminded us why he’s insane and a high flyer! A corkscrew moonsault splash! Dear Lord, it’s over!” Axis yells marking out.

“Boom it’s done.” Suicide King says.

ONE “I-L SUCKS! I-L SUCKS!” The chant goes more rapid.

TWO! The chant gets even louder, and then it stops because Eddy’s hand lifts into the air… and slams down!

THREE! “NO!” Edwin cries out.

“It’s over! IL gets the shot at the Euro belt once again and we’ll see how Mak and Tyler do against our champ!” Axis proclaims, “Stay tuned!”

The camera begins to fade, but it stops as Insane Luchador picks up Mak. “In pain… my dear friend? I hope so…”

Insane Luchador then kicks him in the gut and hits the Evenflow again! The boos can be heard in China or somewhere far away as emptied cans and plastic cups down-shower on the True Plague who’s in cross pose as he stands over the fallen Franchise.

-Fade to black-.

May 26, 2002

SJL Metal returns, as the camera is already rolling at the announcer’s table, where Suicide King is holding a heated debate with Eddie Mac about something about cocks, the SJL, and love. The camera joins the King of Hearts at mid-sentence…

King: “…and that’s why all JL’ers LOVE THE COCK!”

Edwin: “Well, I have to agree.”

Axis: “Alas, an argument that can’t be fought. Anyhoo, we’ve witnessed several exciting events tonight, with the most peculiar of all being the besiege of violence taken out on both Cutthroat and JL newcomer, Impact. However, both grapplers of greatness have been taken to the emergency room, where George Clooney and the rest of the ER cast will have them ready to go for next Metal…we hope. Also tonight, we just witnessed a spectacular brawl between Cock Lover #1, AKA ‘The Franchise’ Mak Francis, and Cock Lover #2, AKA ‘Insane Luchadore’ Andy Rickmen. We go backstage now, to Mak Francis, who is still recuperating from that match.”

The camera star wipes to the outskirts of a door, with a sign out front reading “Mak Francis’ Dressing Room” suggesting that the room, indeed, is Mak Francis’ dressing room. Suddenly, a whistling sound is heard around the corner, as the tune of “Down With the Sickness” rings throughout the halls. The whistler is immediately revealed as Mak’s manager and coach Tyler Kinkel however, as he comes trotting around the corner with clipboard in hand, presumably searching for the Franchise. Tyler approaches Mak’s door, tucks the clipboard under his armpit, and raps his fish on the door’s wooden exterior, patiently waiting for his trainee to greet him.

“Mak! Oh Mak! Want any nachos Franchise?”

“Ugh…”

“Oh no, not again. Mak, no beers until we LEAVE the building! You can’t just get hammered every night you know.”

“Ugh.”

Growing impatient, Tyler taps his foot on the floor a few times, Sonic the Hedgehog style, and turns the doorknob, bursting into the room. A look of horror immediately strikes Tyler’s face, as he stares at the ground in terror. The camera pans around in a 180 motion, to display Francis lying on the in a puddle of his own blood! Mak relentlessly coughs up blood, adding to his crimson mask, as Tyler collects himself, and storms out of the room.

“IS THERE A DOCTOR IN THE HOUSE!”

“I’m a doctor!”

“Not you Doctor Laura!”

“Oh, well if you ever want to be on my show then…”

“Shut the fuck up you old hag! I gotta guy practically dying back here!”

As the camera cuts back to the announcers, one last close-up is shown of the bloodied Francis, with a conspicuous aluminum baseball bat tilted against the paper-thin walls of his dressing room.

Edwin: “Wowza! Yet another victim for this mysteriously mysterious mystery man! Who will be the next fodder of the aluminum bat of impending doom? Tune in to find out, next on SJL Crimson! The home of the top wrestlers around the world.”

Both Axis and King stare patiently at Edwin, rapidly blinking, as if to telegraph to him that he forgot something. Suddenly, an idea seemingly pops into Eddie Mac’s head, as he remembers his lost dialogue…

Edwin: “Who looooooovvvvvve the cock!”

May 26, 2002

Axis: Back. Generic vs. Helmsley in a reverse semen/inferno match tonight.

Edwin: This should be good.

* RING RING *

Edwin: Ah, phone. Hello?

...

Edwin: Really?

...

Edwin: REALLY?

...

Edwin: Fair enough I suppose. Bye.

King: What was that?

Edwin: Generic and Helmsley both saw the card when they came in tonight. Then promptly jumped on the first flight out of the city.

Axis: Well, can't say I blame them. Drinking JD's semen is surely the worst thing that could ever happen to a guy... Back soon.

May 26, 2002

A commericial for the “Best of IGN Wrestling” videos (now being sold because they are about to go out of business and need the money! flashes on the screen. This month’s video is, “The Best of Bra and Panties!” Operators are standing by, and with another sudden flash.. FLASH! … the SJL logo for Crimson reappears on the screen, and behind it, the camera pans around a filled to capacity arena (which is probably pretty close to being a fire hazard! in Washington D.C. for the Smarks Wrestling Federation show, Crimson!

(Oh yeah, I think I mentioned it was Crimson already. Whoops.)

Excited fans are out of their seats, screaming, yelling and some holding various homemade signs that are obviously poorly made, but do the trick anyway. A few can be made out as the camera zooms past them. “I own all of j00!” one says, in green glittery marker. Another reads, “1 Cold MoFo” and has a picture of Frost on it. Well, brrrr.

The camera stops panning around and comes to an abrupt stop, focusing in on the announcer’s table, where three strange freaks sit, poised to blather about absolutely nothing and basically leave you and everyone else to wonder what exactly they smoked/snorted/shot up this morning.

(Hee hee hee hee.)

“Weeeeeeeellllllcome back! To SJ CRIMSON!!” Axis blurts out, with the most enthusiasm that can be seen in a human being without causing them to combust within seconds, “.. you’ve just seen a fabulous, yet really disturbing match between Jacob Helmsley and the JL’s resident rowdy guy, Johnny Generic. He’s always been known to run into the ring at the weirdest times and just kicks some ass! Anyway, I’m joined by the JL Commissioner, Edwin MacPhisto and of course, the always colorful, Suicide King.”

“Heeeeellllo again everyone!” Edwin greets, doing a little variation on the wave that beauty queens do .. yet somehow making it seems masculine. Suicide King smirks.

“I’m just glad to have that semen off the desk. That was disturbing .. and I nearly accidently drank it once because I mistook it for my beer.”

Edwin perks up, “That reminds me of a movie! You know, that movie about pastry porn?”

“Uhhh … riiight. Anyway,..” Axis starts up again, not really wanting to get into THAT discussion again, as Edwin apparently loves pastry porn.

(Oooh, yeah.. donuts make me sooooo hot. ::moans:: )

“Oh I see .. you think I love the pastry porn! Is that it? Well, I am the JL Commissioner and whether or not I enjoy getting it one with Krispy Kremes is entirely within my rights and completely accepted by this country! I just can’t marry one!”

Axis and Suicide King stare at Edwin for what seems like a while. They glance at each other and Axis clears his throat, “.. okay, quite enough of that. I’d hate to see what you do with coffee…”

Suicide King nudges Edwin, “… freak!”

Edwin scoffs.

(Muwahahaha! Getting it on with Krispy Cremes… that could get really nasty if you think about it. Ha!

“Coming up next .. “ Axis starts again, trying to get this subject put away for good, “ Is the number one contendership match for the World Title, between Xero, not zero, and the luscious riot grrl herself .. Sydney Sky!”

Edwin interjects, “This is a big match for these two .. both have been hovering in the European scene for quite some time. As the ..” he dramatically pauses, while Axis and Suicide King roll their eyes, “ .. JL Commissioner .. I see these two dominating the World Title scene in the months and years to come!”

Suicide King laughs, “Well THANK YOU, Miss Cleo!”

“Oh, shut up! I’m not a bloody fortune teller .. I’m telling you how I see it. These two could even kick YOUR ass. And this boy scout’s too!” He retorts, motioning to Axis. Axis blinks.

“Hey, just leave me out of this, … wait, BOY SCOUT? What the hell?!”

Edwin continues, “Oh! I bloody forgot .. you can’t be a boy scout .. they have a problem with GAYS!”

(Hee hee.. looks like the Commissioner has had enough tonight. Maybe HE drank the semen??)

“Why you…” Axis starts, but is interrupted by the dimming of the arena lights, indicating to anyone with a brain that no, the power isn’t going ot, but someone is about to make their entrance!

(Now, where was I again? Oh.)

As the lights go out, a voice booms out from the darkness, sounding both corny and spooky at the same time, “A light in the black.” A light focuses on the entrance, and the curtains up on stage. The voice continues, “Or just the fear of the dark.”

Suicide King mumbles, “Profound .. err, NOT.”

After that line, Xero appears from behind the curtains, as “Fear of the Dark” by Iron Maiden starts to play loudly through the speaker system. He starts to walk down towards the ring, with the spotlight following on him along the way. The crowd has a mixture of cheers and boos, pretty equal love and hate going on there.

“The following contest if scheduled for ONE FALL! And it is a number one contendership match for the SJL WORLD TITLE! Now coming to the ring, weighing in at 199 lbs, and standing at 6’1”, he hails from Port Colborne (pause) Ontario, Canada.. XEEEEEEEEEEEEERO!”

The crowd pops again, and Xero slides into the ring and starts to make his rounds to each turnbuckle, climbing up and holds his arms closely to his chest as he is drowned by various flashes of cameras going off.

“This is a great opportunity for Xero .. he’s faced Sydney Sky before, and therefore, he must know her style and her strategy. And this match is important .. for a chance at winning the JL WORLD TITLE!”

“Do you always have to scream that?”

“What .. you mean, JL WORLD TITLE!”

“.. yeah. That.”

“It’s bloody annoying, Axis. Which means I agree with Suicide King .. which is scary.”

Axis ignores them, “I think that both Sydney and Xero have an equal chance of winning this match and even winning the JL WORLD TITLE! Axis smirks at them. Xero’s music fades and it doesn’t take too long for the familiar strains of “Bittersweet Symphony” by the Verve start up. It’s sweet strains start out soft, and then grow progressively louder, causing a cheer to rise up from the crowd. Sydney appears on the stage, a serene smile on her face and her hands on her hips. She is clad in her normal wrestling attire; a pair of black vinyl pants, a purple corset top that shows just enough belly and a pair of combat boots. Her fiery red hair is swept up in a ponytail that seems to bounce when she walks, among other things.

(Bouncy! Bouncy! Bouncy!

“Now coming to the ring, weighing in at 170 lbs and standing at 5’11” tall.. she hails from Los Angeles, California .. and she is the femme fatale supreme of the SJL, SYDNEY SKY!”

“Femme fatale surpreme .. sounds like she is from Taco Bell.” Suicide King laughs. Axis nods.

“Well .. she IS from Los Angeles, California .. there’s plenty of people there that eat tacos on a daily basis .. what with the border and all.”

(And no, I’m not being insulting. I lived there. I’m half Mexican and therefore can make fun of that if I want. HA!

Edwin grins, “Yo quiero Sydney Sky!”

Sydney walks down the ramp, high-fiving various audience members that are going out of their way to touch her, nearly falling over the barrier wall. Sydney then gets a look of determination on her face as she approaches the ring. She slides into the ring, where Xero is waiting for her and she immediately readies herself.

DING! DING! DING!

The match begins, with Sydney’s theme music slowly fading into the loud cheers, yells and other random noises of the crowd.

(I’m sure .. if you listen carefully .. you can hear some middle-aged guy who drinks beer all the time, fart really loudly and nearly kill all the people in section 135C.)

Xero and Sydney sort of pace around each other, poised to strike like a cobra that’s really pissed off because someone stepped on it’s tail or something.

“This should be a pretty interesting match .. Sydney Sky and Xero are both pretty equal when it comes to their abilities. Both are capable of high-flying moves, but Sydney has the upper hand in the strength department, while Xero is slightly more speedy. I think this is a great match with a chance of going either way.”

“You go girl, turn Xero into Zero, honey!” Edwin yells out, ignoring the strange looks from Axis and Suicide King. King smirks.

“I think, Edwin .. that you kiss HER ass more than you kiss your OWN ass.”

“Oh, bloody hell.. would you put a large object in your mouth, maybe a big dildo, and just shut up!”

Suicide King blinks and then grumbles, crossing his arms. Axis laughs loudly.

Meanwhile, in the ring, Sydney Sky grabs onto Xero’s arm, and pulls him towards her, and then launches him towards the ropes! He moves into the ropes, bouncing off of them and comes running back towards her! She looks a though she is about to clothesline him, but instead, turns on her heel quickly, hitting him with a spinning kick! Her big combat boots connect with his stomach and he doubles over, gasping slightly as his breath is taken away for the moment!

“Spinning kick to Xero’s belly by Sydney Sky. I’m just glad it was there and not in his balls .. that really hurts.”

“You’ve experienced that before, Axis?”

“Erm .. yes.”

“No wonder you have no cajones…”

Suicide King, “Wow, Edwin .. that was a good one. You nearly impressed me! I said nearly.”

Edwin glanced at King, “Well, I wasn’t done .. I was about to say that .. nevermind, Axis doesn’t have balls because you SUCKED THEM SO HARD THEY FELL OFF! HA! I’m getting you both tonight! Go Commissioner.. it’s your birthday.. ooooh yeah!”

Sydney grabs onto Xero’s hair as he is doubled over, and brings her knee up, connecting to his face with her knee, causing him to fall backwards onto the mat with a thud. Sydney whips her hair around and kneels down over him. She then repeated starts punching him in the face! Over and over and over again! The crowd chants how many times she does along with each punch!

ONE! TWO! THREE! FOUR! FIVE! SIX! SEVEN!

Sydney then stops and stands up, leaning over (and in the perfect position to show off her ass to the announcers, who sit there and drool profusely over it’s firm yet supple goodness.) and grabs him up by his hair again, bringing him to standing.

“Sydney is really dominating this match so far! Xero has always been knocked to the mat and it’s barely even getting started!”

Sydney pushes his head down and jumps up to start a fame asser, but Xero stands up straight and stops her from starting the move! It throws her off, and she stumbles, as Xero grabs a hold of HER hair now and drags her up close to him! Sydney struggles against his grip, but the pulling on her hair hurts like a bitch! He grips onto Sydney and quickly flips her over in a snap suplex! Sydney slams down hard on the mat and groans, arching her back and rolling around in pain!

The crowd boos/cheers.

“OUCH! Sydney gets slammed to the mat floor with a snap suplex by Xero!”

“Well, at least it’s taking her mind off her hair hurting .. heh heh.”

“Oh jeez… insensitive much!?”

As Sydney is on the ground, rolling around in pain, Xero gets down next to her and grabs her arm, twisting her around a bit and putting her into a Fujiwara Armbar! Sydney struggles against it, screaming her head off as her arm is twisted and stretched in a horrible way! Her legs kick widly, attempting to kick Xero off of her and to get him to release her arm! Xero holds onto it, but after a few moments, releases the struggling Sydney, and she rolls away from him. She gets to her feet and rubs at her arm while looking at him with a look that could shoot daggers!

“Ooh, Sydney looks mighty pissed off!”

Suicide King laughs, “Maybe it’s her time of the month! She’s riding the crimson wave! Have a piece of the Big Red!”

Both Axis and Edwin look at him mortified. He looks back.

“What.. we’ve already had semen tonight.. why not THAT!”

Sydney rushes towards Xero quickly, who, in turn, rushes towards her! She jumps up into the air, her feet and legs wrapping around his head and neck and flips him down the mat, along with herself! A hurricanrana!

“Hurricane by Sydney Sky! That storm certainly brought Xero down! He’s writhing all over the floor right now!”

(Writhing .. sounds like he has a thing for Xero.. hee hee.)

Sydney rolls to her knees and rushes over to Xero, draping her body over his and awaiting the referee to stop digging in his ass and come over and start a count! The referee does just that (after first smelling his fingers! Ick! .. and slides to his knees, starting a count!

ONE!

TWO!

Xero kicks out with ease, not yet out of the game, and Sydney pushes away from him, pacing around as he gets to his feet.

“Looks like Xero wasn’t ready to just roll over and play dead for Sydney Sky! She’ll just have to work a little harder to bring him down!”

As Xero reaches a standing position again, Sydney comes at him again! She jumps up in the air with a dropkick, connecting to his chest area and causing him to stumble back into the ropes! He slumps there, looking slightly out of it! Sydney gets up from the dropkick and approaches him! She gets up right on him, leaning on him as he leans on the ropes, and she grabs his hair! Sydney pulls his hair back and starts punching him in the face! He struggles against her, and somehow manages to reverse things! The roll against the ropes and Sydney ends up pressed there! He pulls a hand back and connects to her face with a punch! One so hard that it launches her over the ropes and onto the floor outside of the ring!

“Xero has just launched Sydney out of the ring! She’s lying on the floor …. Nearly right in front of us!”

Seeing Sydney on the floor outside of the ring, Xero backs away, his eyes darting around and obviously planning on his next move. What to do when your opponent is incapacitated on the outside of the ring? He moves back towards the ropes and prepares ….

“XERO! He’s going to a high flying move! A signature strategy for this wrestler! But what is he going to do?”

Xero then jumped, handspringing over the top rope and nailing a corkscrew body splash onto Sydney Sky, who is still lying on the ground! Suicidal plancha! The announcers cringe and cower! The move was so big, they were afraid it would land on them! Xero, instead, lands on Sydney, who flails when she is hit with it, and then gets motionless once again! The referee, during this, is counting them out.

ONE!

TWO!

THREE!

Xero gets to his feet and lifts Sydney from the ground! He throws her over his shoulders, which isn’t an easy task as she is a pretty big woman, and he moves over towards the ropes, barely looking like he can stand himself, let alone carry the femme fatale over his shoulders!

FOUR!

FIVE!

He plops her down on the ring apron and rolls her inside, and then slides himself into the ring, stopping the count out! Xero manages to hook up Sydney’s leg, looking pretty ragged himself, and the referee begins a pin count!

ONE!

TWO!

Sydney gets her shoulder up, and the count is broken! Xero looks absolutely pissed off, tired and wanting to just get this over with! Sydney slowly starts to sit up, but Xero is determined to win this match! Xero grabs her ponytail, forcing her to stand faster than she was going to! Sydney struggles, trying to pry his fingers out of her beautiful red locks, but Xero grabs onto her head and brings her down with a Twist of Fate! Sydney’s head hits his shoulder on the way down and she is brought to the mat floor once again!

“Twist of Fate by Xero! Sydney has a similar move called the Sky Swirl! But it looks like Xero beat her to the swirling!”

Xero plops back down, hooking her leg once more and trying to pin her once and for all!

ONE!

TWO!

Sydney kicks out once again!

The camera pans back to the announcer’s table, where no one is to be found! No, wait .. they are still cowering from the suicidal plancha that Xero did! They all crawl from their hiding places under the table and put their headsets back on.

“Err.. we’re back. We … we were so fearful of that plancha .. we just wanted to hide. But we’re back and we haven’t missed much I’m sure! Sydney Sky just kicked out of a pin attempt! The match is still going!”

Sydney slowly starts to push herself up, as Xero decides to lend her a hand and grab her arm, pulling her up to standing! Sydney flinches and lays a punch to his nose! Xero yells, grabbing it, as he gushes some blood!

“Sydney drew blood! She drew frickin’ blood!”

Sydney punches him in the gut and then pushes his head down, right between her legs! She grabs his arms and hooks them behind him and then looks up, the crowd going wild because they know what is coming up next! She then jumps up and then down, crashing Xero’s face into the mat!

GOOOOOOOOOOOOD MORNING!

“Daybreak by Sydney Sky! Daybreak by Sydney Sky!! It might be over!”

Sydney rolls Xero over and hooks his leg, careful to not get any blood on her. The referee rushes over and begins another count!

ONE!

TWO!

THREE!

Right after the referee counts three, Xero’s shoulder comes up, but it’s too late! Sydney has had the match won! Sydney stands, as the referee holds her hand up!

“Your winner… SYYYYYYYYYDNEY SKY!”

Xero curses, sitting up and holding his nose .. pissed off that his kick out was just a mere second from being able to save this match for him! He watches angrily as Sydney Sky, her music being played loudly over the speakers, heads out of the ring and up the ramp!

“Sydney Sky won the match! It was a fast win, but close! Xero just needed to be a second faster and he could have stopped the count! I’m sure that there will be some arguments about this later on .. perhaps a recap to make sure that he indeed didn’t have his shoulder up before the count was done!” Axis states. Edwin nods.

“I’m sure we’ll be looking into it! This was an important match!”

“Aww, that bitch probably cheated somehow. Damn women and their time of their months!”

“Would you shut up about that already?”

“More action coming up on Crimson … err, stay tuned after this commercial break!”

The screen fades to black.

May 26, 2002

***Back from commercial break, the announcers are in shock.***

Axis: What the hell is this??

Edwin: It's TNT!! And he's got Danny Williams with him!!

***The Television champion drags his mentor by the hair, all while putting the badmouth on him. Baseball hat in hand, Thompson tosses Danny Williams into the ring where he's set to deliver more punishment.***

Axis: Taylor Thompson has brutally attacked Danny Williams! What has gotten into him?!

King: The REAL TNT is developing before our very eyes, fellas!

***Thompson is stomping the hell out of Williams and drives his ball bat in his rib cage as well. Williams tries to seek refuge in a corner but Thompson possesses too much rage to contend with.***

Axis: Somebody stop him!!

Edwin: Hey, like in the mask!

Axis: Shut up.

***Referees and road agents swarm the ring to try and stop Thompson from his attack, but they all taste his baseball bat to the head. Once that little annoyance is dealt with, Thompson plants Williams down with a piledriver. He slowly walks around, picking up his bat. He looks at Williams' right ankle, and aims the bat right at it…***

Axis: No come on, not the ankle!! It's already injured, dammit!!

***Thompson raises the bat high up in the air…but the lights go out, quickly replaced by strobe lights and the heavy thrashing sounds of "I Am Hated" by Slipknot. Startled, Thompson drops the bat and glances around, wondering what this is all about.***

Edwin: I’m afraid of the dark!

Axis: Wait, there's someone in the ring!!

***As the lights return to normal and as the music quickly cuts, Tod deKindes -clad in his fighting gear and trench coat- has materialized in the ring behind Thompson. As the TV champion turns around, he's met with fists of fury right to the head by the seething Tod.***

Axis: It's Tod deKindes!! And he's taking it to the TV champion!!

Edwin: And he looks in mighty good shape as well!

***Thompson tries a quick rebuttal, but Tod ducks his right hand and connects with a clothesline of his own that sends TNT out of the ring. As the crowd cheers on, Tod grabs the baseball bat, pacing around the ring. With Williams still agonizing on the mat, their eyes meet…***

Edwin: Wuh-oh.

***A thousand thoughts come to Tod's mind. Chase after his bitter rival with his own weapon? Or finish the job on *another* bitter rival? After what seems to be the longest seconds of Williams' life, Tod chooses to toss the bat to ringside, allowing Williams to roll out of the ring to be attended to by EMT's. Meanwhile, TNT has stopped at the top of the ramp and has appropriated himself a microphone…***

TNT: Now hold on a goddamn minute, here!!…

***As his voice booms throughout the arena, a cascade of boos greets him.***

TNT: (obviously addressing Tod) YOU…I put your ass out for good, you have NO business even being here tonight!! You were supposed to have ended up like THAT piece of crap over there (pointing towards Williams) and it should've been IT for you!!…But I guess you just don't wanna learn, Tod. I guess I'm gonna have to finish you once and for all…(takes a few steps forward)

***As the crowd encourages him to step into the ring, Tod throws off his trench coat, inviting TNT to Just Bring It (tm D. Johnson).***

Axis: Come on, CHAMP! Get in the ring!!

TNT: But not tonight. (boos)…You see, nothing would give me greater satisfaction, Tod, than to get in this ring and DESTROY you once and for all…but you won't get that privilege just yet. I had a very busy night tonight, so you'll EXCUUUUSE ME for just being a little tired!! (louder boos)

King: I hear ya, Thomp. Kicking ass IS a strain on the body.

TNT: Here's what I propose, Tod…One more match between you and me…One more match that'll settle it ALL!! Man vs. man, only ONE is left standing!…Two out of three falls, Tod. First man to score two wins in succession…is the winner.

***Tod has also been given a mic in the process. He looks perplexed.***

Tod:…That's it, two out of three falls!?

TNT: You didn't let me finish, Todski!! Each fall will have a very distinct and very different set of rules from the other! Each fall will be even more brutal than the last…for you, that is. I had a little talk with our commissioner this week…which mainly involved my hand around his skinny little neck…but nonetheless, he let ME choose the stipulations. And they are as follows…First fall!! In this type of match, you'll have NO chance of surviving whatsoever, right from the get go…because it will be (making sure to pronounce slowly and carefully) an Exploding Board match!!

King: Sweeeet!!!

Axis: What??! Edwin, how in the hell could you approve this??

Edwin: Umm…his hand was around my neck?

TNT: It's real simple, Tod. C4 explosive boards will be scattered all over the ring area; in the ring, at ringside, on the announce table…

Axis: On the what?!

TNT: …in the crowd, hell, EVERYWHERE!!…It's easy; you land on the board, you LOSE!…Second fall!! I decided to show a little compassion for you, Tod, and I chose a type of match that would be more suitable to your style, and that is…(stifles a laugh) a German Strap Match!

Edwin: Give me a break…

TNT: And the third fall, Tod, should you get lucky and win either of the first two falls…let's just have a plain old straight up No Disqualification match. That way, I'll be generous and give you the chance to do what you've NEVER been able to do…and that is pin me, One…Two…Three.

***Tod raises the mic up to his lips to speak, but he's interrupted.***

TNT: Oh, one more thing! I happen to be the Longest Reigning Television Champ EVER in this company!!…But you're not gonna take that away from me, Tod. Because MY Television title will NOT be on the line, because you do NOT deserve it!! (crowd boos)

***Tod reassuringly looks at the crowd and is now ready to offer his reply.***

Tod: …That's a very tempting offer you're making me, Taylor. And as much as I wanna run up there and break your teeth with my fist…(pauses to milk the cheers)…I'm gonna have to think about it. If I take this match, not only do I get the chance to blow you apart…(crowd volume rises)…Not only do I get to whip you like a dog all over this ring…(crowd volume rises a little more)…But I'll also get to finish you off for GOOD…by pinning you…(raises fingers, as the crowd counts)…

Crowd: One!!…Two!!…Three!!

Tod: And as for that safety blanket of yours, the TV title…You won't have to worry about that. It's not about the TV title anymore. I've tasted European gold, and now I want more…But first, I'm gonna get through you. Two out of three falls? You got it!! You just name the time…and the place!

***Tod drops his mic, as Thompson nods in approvement, all while talking trash at his German enemy. Thompson retreats to the back, all while exchanging hateful glares with Tod in the ring. Meanwhile, Tod collects his trench coat and makes his way up the ramp as well, under the crowd's support. ***

Axis: A match has been made tonight; one last time, Tod deKindes against Taylor Nicholas Thompson in a 2/3 Falls matchup, with very special stipulations!

Edwin: We don't know when it's gonna take place, but it is SURE to rock the foundations of this very company!

Axis: We'll be right back!!

***Fade to black.***

May 26, 2002

SJL Crimson returns from a commercial for Wendy's featuring Frost ("This dessert that bears my name.... what a DISGRACE! But it's damn good!") and pans the crowd at the MCI Center in Washington, DC. Excited fans are seen holding signs such as "Flesher/Ketchum IV: So Very Tired," "Frost: Put Em On Ice" and "Obligatory Sydney Sky Reference." On the SmarkTron, the SJL World Title graphic appears, and underneath it the names "DURANDAL, ASH KETCHUM, FROST" appear. Finally, a chain link fence falls down over the graphic, along with the words "CAGE MATCH." The fans burst into cheers and a chant of "CAGE MATCH! CAGE MATCH! CAGE MATCH!" as the camera swings around to the announce table. There, Suicide King sits with a crate of drinks next to him, with Axis in the middle sipping a Foster's and Edwin on the other side with a strawberry daiquiri. The camera zooms in.

Axis: And we're back, for the main event of this evening's Crimson contest! What a match this is going to be - a triple-threat steel cage match for the SJL World Title!

Edwin: And just think... we'll be safe here at the announcer's table!

Axis: Er, well, yes. But we're also going to ensure a winner for the SJL World Championship that absolutely NO ONE can contest. One man is going to have to take out two of the strongest men in the SJL right now. We have the European Champion, the Icelandic Frost, who spent 22 hours on a plane to get here.

King: Axis, the flight's only seven and a half hours.

Edwin: We know. He got locked in the bathroom and they had to get six stewardesses to help him out of it.

King: Now, that plane ride wasn't NEARLY as bad as everyone's making it out to be!

Edwin: Oh, you're just mad because you got your mullet cut.

Axis: Er.... IN ANY EVENT. Also competing tonight will be the other top contender to the SJL World Championship, the Main Event King, Ash Ketchum!

Edwin: You've got to like Ketchum's chances here tonight. First of all, he's coming off an amazing win Metal where he showed intense strength and stamina.

King: He barely beat Tod DeKindes.

Axis: Odd, I don't remember DeKindes being much of a factor in that match.

Edwin: Oh, trust me, he was. Ash is here and he's fired up. You have to know that with Durandal on his way out, Ash wants to get one more win to even up the series, which Durandal currently leads 2-1.

Axis: Finally, the SJL World Champion, Durandal, will be competing in this match. He's an absolute sadist, and I'd be very surprised if the no-disqualification stipulation didn't favor him quite a bit.

Edwin: Well, it all depends who brings what to the ring with them, and what poor Eddy Long's going to put up with in the cage.

King: pfft... Long's reffing? Poor guy.

Axis: And, by the way, King, everyone's curious... what's in that crate?

King: Oh, it's all the beers people bought me a few weeks ago. They came in a big crate earlier this week, and I figured I'd try to get as many of them down as possible.

Edwin: Any blue curacao in there?

King: We'll see, ya damn mooch.

Axis: Let's go to the ring!

In the ring, Funyon stands wearing a powder-blue tuxedo with ruffles aplenty. He looks up to see the cage descending, and is heard to mutter, "Is there a door on that thing? There is? Great."

Funyon: The following contest is tonight's main event... it will be held in a steel cage... and it is for the S...J...L WORLD Championship!

The fans burst into loud cheers. Their cheers turn to boos, however, when "Cities On Flame With Rock 'n' Roll" by Blue Oyster Cult begins to blare over the loudspeaker. Frost walks through the black velvet curtain and walks purposefully to the ring as the cage continues descending, finally latching onto the ring as Frost is about halfway up the aisle. He continues striding to the ring, his European title wrapped around his waist, and finally enters the cage through the door above the stairs.

Funyon: The first competitor... hailing from Rek... Reyk... Hailing from Iceland, and weighing in at 135 kilos of icy steel, the SJL European Champion... beware the Early Winter, this is FROST!

The fans boo for the iceman as he raises his European belt high into the air, then hands it off to Eddy Long. The lights go dark, and as the beginning of U2's "Elevation" begins to play, the fans burst into cheers. A waterfall of pyro spills out over the entrance, and as the lyrics begin, the pyro cuts off and a spotlight replaces it. It highlights Ash Ketchum posing with his back to the audience. Misty, as always, stands next to Ash, and as the PokeFreak spins around, they walk arm in arm down the ramp. At the halfway point, he stops and dramatically throws his right arm into the air, showing the fans his trademark split-finger V for Victory sign. The fans go absolutely nuts as five blasts of red pyro shoot up from the stage. Ash and Misty release themselves from the pose and continue walking.

Funyon: Making his way to the ring, accompanied by Misty, from Pallet Town and weighing in at a lean, mean 258 pounds... The Main Event King and the Master of the Gimmick Match... He's got six big PokeBalls... Ladies and Gentlemen, ASH KETCHUM!

The fans burst into cheers as Ash climbs onto the apron. Leaning down to kiss Misty, he begins to scale the cage! He climbs up to the top of the cage and, from there, throws up another V for Victory sign! The fans go crazy once more as he climbs halfway down the cage and then jumps to the mat. The lights stay dark, and as "Elevation" fades out, it is supplanted by the slow, eerie introduction of Stabbing Westward's "Darkest Days." The fans begin to boo almost reflexively as Durandal walks through the curtain wearing his Clan robe. He stands for a moment, his arms folded defiantly.

Funyon: And their opponent... weighing in tonight at a very evil 213 pounds, and hailing from the armpit of the East, Buffalo, New York... he is the SJL World Champion... the Neglected Sword, DURANDAL!

Fluidly, Durandal opens the sash of his robe, letting it swing open to show the belt around his waist. The gold shines in sharp contrast to Durandal's black and grey outfit. He swings his icepick into the air and then strides to the ring. The fans boo loudly as he looks up at the cage and then enters through the doorway. He removes his robe and hangs it in the corner, then unfolds the belt and sets it in the center of the ring. He leans down and kisses the belt, then hands it off to Eddy Long, who holds it aloft. Funyon holds the mic as Long gives the instructions:

Long: Remember, gentlemen, the only way to win is to climb to the top of the cage and touch both feet to the ground outside. My decision is final. The door will be locked and bolted, to be opened only after the winner has been declared. I'll be on the outside, because I'm not stupid. Good luck, and godspeed.

Long carries the World belt, with Funyon holding the European, and both men exit. Long locks and bolts the door, then calls for the bell.

DING DING DING!!!!!!

Axis: And this one is underway!

King: Why do you always SAY that?!

As soon as the bell rings, Frost charges at Ash Ketchum. The two lock up, and Ash swings out to the side to attempt an early arm wrench for the Pikaslam. Not to be outdone, Frost spins around and hits Ash in the chest with a stiff short-arm clothesline! Ash hits the mat with a thud, and as Frost looks down and gloats at Ash, Durandal slides in and dropkicks Ash in the ribs. Frost looks askance at Durandal, who slides out as quickly as he had entered. Frost grabs Ketchum and lifts him to his feet, only to spin around once more and hit him with a spinning back fist. Ketchum staggers backwards, only to have Frost grab him and hit a lightning-fast German suplex. From nowhere, Durandal runs in and hits a somersault senton on Ketchum's matbound form. Looking mildly irritated, Frost rolls away as Durandal punts Ash in the ribs.

Axis: It looks like the Iceman from Iceland is a little upset that the former Superior One is usurping his hard work.

King: I don't get it. Why won't Frost just let Durandal help him out with the dirty work? Then the fans can get what they really want.

Axis: Oh, and what's that?

King: Frost and Durandal bashing each other's faces in while Ash gets carted off.

Durandal grabs Ash by the arm and spins around to pull him to his feet, then whips Ash into Frost's waiting arms. Frost grabs him and lifts the PokeFreak into a powerslam position, then tosses him overhead in a fallaway slam. Durandal falls into a stance to wait for motion, and sure enough, as soon as Ash begins to get to his feet, Durandal slides in and hits him with another low dropkick to the ribs. Ash falls back to the mat, and Durandal spins Frost around. His gestures suggest "Let's work together," and he grins broadly, only to have Frost grab him by both arms and pull him in, then toss him like a ragdoll onto his neck with an Exploder suplex! The fans burst into cheers, always loving to see Durandal spiked on his head, and Frost gloats in the center of the ring.

Axis: Durandal's getting more than he bargained for here!

Edwin: ...why? Did he bribe someone?

Axis: It's just an expression, Edwin.

Edwin: OH, I get it.

King: FINALLY.

Edwin: He bargained for the belt, right? Politics and such?

Axis sighs as Frost watches his two targets. Knowing it's too early to try to climb the cage, he turns his attention to Ash, who recovers more quickly. Ash gets to his feet and Frost steps in to lock up a swinging neckbreaker, only to have Ash spin behind and take Frost to the mat in the classic amateur duck-under. The fans pop for the move as Ketchum grabs Frost's left arm and spin into a hammerlock.

Edwin: Ketchum's wrestling on the mat!

Axis: I know! I'm as shocked as any of you!

Edwin: And... COMPETENTLY!

King: I wouldn't say that.

Ketchum puts perssure on the hammerlock and tries to snake his arm under Frost's neck for a Dragon sleeper. Frost, unaware that he's part of a technical battle, opts to counter the hold by reaching up and grabbing Ketchum's head, then flipping him forward onto the mat. Before he can continue, though, Durandal slides in from the side and dropkicks Frost in the knee. Enraged, Frost turns around, only to have the World Champion dropkick him once more. Frost's knee folds back on itself and he falls to the mat, more out of surprise than anything else. Durandal grabs the leg and lifts it up, then drops an elbow into the knee socket, wrenching it out of place. Before he can get back up, though, Frost grabs Durandal's head and starts pounding on it, hitting Durandal over and over until he crawls away. Frost gets up, favoring his left leg just slightly, and moves toward the cage. Before he can get very far, though, Ash gets up and grabs Frost from behind. He bends Frost backwards and hits him with a quick and dirty inverted DDT, stunning him long enough to begin his ascent over the cage. As Ash begins to climb, though, Durandal charges in behind him and grabs him tightly around the waist, then walks him backwards and spikes him with a released German suplex!

Axis: What a suplex from Durandal! Ash landed right on his neck and shoulders!

King: Bingo, jackass.

Edwin: Well it's just so unusual for Durandal to apply a hold properly...

With Ketchum slightly stunned on the mat, Durandal runs at him and nails him with another somersault senton. He then rolls through and goes over to Frost, who is still recovering from Ash's inverted DDT. He grabs Frost by the left leg and once again drops an elbow into Frost's knee. Wrenching the joint out of place, Durandal gets back to his feet and drops another elbow. Frost recoils, but Durandal spins around and locks on a figure-four leglock! Frost sells it beautifully, screaming in pain while trying desperately to keep his legs from buckling. Before any damage can be done, though, Ash drops an elbow onto Durandal and breaks the hold. Durandal releases it, and when he rolls through, Frost rolls off to the side and Ash dives onto Durandal to apply an armbar. Durandal counters by letting his arm limp out the side and applying an armbar of his own. Slowly, as he cranks the hold, Durandal spins out to the side and works it into a cross armbreaker. Finally, when his hips get close to Ash's neck, Durandal locks his legs and secures a triangle choke!

Axis: With Frost nursing an injured leg, it looks like Ash is in trouble!

King: Of course he is! He's Ash Friggin Ketchum!

Ash gets to his feet, getting ready to counter the triangle choke the way he always has- by powerbombing him through the mat and into the bowels of the arena... but wait! Durandal has the bottom of the cage with his free hand, and he's holding close to the mat so Ketchum can't lift him! Ash tries again to lift Durandal up for the powerbomb, but Durandal swings over and takes Ash down to the mat back-first! With his arm caught in the triangle choke, Ash is almost defenseless as Durandal nails him with a series of palm strikes! He continues unabated until Frost finally gets to his feet and takes Durandal's head off with a vicious big boot! Durandal falls forward, releasing Ash, but the PokeFreak is still woozy from being choked out. Taking advantage of Ketchum's predicament, Frost lifts him to his feet and locks on a gutwrench suplex. With minimal effort, he swings the native of Pallet Town through the air and hits a beautiful released gutwrench suplex!

Axis: Look at the power of Frost!

Edwin: I know! That frost last week WAS unexpected, wasn't it?

Axis: No, I mean...

Edwin: Killed all my roses, it did.

Durandal gets to his feet, only to have Frost grab him and Irish-whip him into the corner. Frost charges in for an avalanche, but the World Champion catches him off-guard by nailing him in the face with a stiff Yakuza kick. Frost staggers backwards slightly, again, more out of surprise than anything else. Durandal follows that up with a single-leg takedown, but Frost catches him by the throat and pulls him back to his feet! In one fluid motion and with fire in his eyes, Frost swings Durandal into the air and lifts him high for a choke slam... but Durandal swings around and locks FROST into a triangle choke! He pulls Frost down to the mat, squeezing like a vise in the center of the ring... only to have Frost go for the same counter that Ash attempted earlier! This time, though, Durandal can't grab for the ropes, and Frost swings him high into the air, then slams him hard to the mat with a vicious power bomb! With the impact, Durandal releases the hold, and Frost follows it up with an elbowdrop into the World Champion's groin. He yanks the 213-pound Clannie to his feet and gorilla presses him high above his head, then drops him carelessly onto his face. Durandal hits the mat with major impact and, with the wind knocked out of him, barely moves!

Axis: Frost is just cleaning house, and Durandal's his feather duster!

King: Aw, he's just playing possum. New name or not, Durandal's still FAR superior to all the other guys who...

Edwin: Love the cock?

Axis: This is cable TV!

Edwin: Oh, then I can say he loves the cock?

King: YOU love the cock, you limey bastard.

Axis: Oh, will you STOP with the talking about how everyone loves the cock?!

Edwin: What an odd thing to say.

Ash gets to his feet and Frost immediately goes after him. As Ketchum sees Frost, he spins around and nails him with a spinning leg lariat! Frost gets caught by surprise, and Ketchum takes advantage by following through with a palm strike into a rising uppercut.... and with that, Frost collapses to the mat! The fans burst into cheers as Ketchum dives onto Frost with a diving kneedrop, then mounts him and starts throwing punch after punch after punch into the iceman's face! As soon as Frost begins to regain his bearings, though, Ketchum jumps off and climbs to the top rope. Frost slowly pushes up to get to his feet, and Durandal finally gets back to his. As soon as Frost gets up, Ash leaps off the top rope and nails him with the Rocket Launch missile dropkick. Frost falls backwards, right into the waiting arms of Durandal, who catches him and, operating solely on instinct, bridges backwards to spike the Atlantic islander with a stiff backdrop driver! Frost falls backwards and lands on his stomach as Durandal tries to regain his senses.

Axis: For the first time in the match, it looks like Frost is in bad position!

King: Well, YOU try taking a backdrop driver from Durandal!

Axis: I'd rather not, thanks.

King: Edwin's looking to get one soon enough, though, now that Durandal's

headed to the SWF!

Edwin: You're looking to get one in the ass, aren't you?

King: What the hell?

Edwin: I said you're looking to make a pass at that girl in the front row, aren't

you?

King: Why not? She looks nice enough.

Edwin snickers to himself as Ketchum and the Neglected Sword both get to their feet in the ring, Durandal still a bit woozy from Frost's thrashing, and Frost still unconscious. Ketchum nails Durandal with a forearm smash, but Durandal responds with a desperate palm strike to the jaw. The two continue exchanging blows until Durandal dodges a forearm smash and catches Ash with a solid boot to the stomach. Ash doubles over, and Durandal uses the position to lift him into the air and slam his head into the mat with a stiff piledriver! Ash recoils, only to have Durandal drop an elbow into his chest to keep him on the mat. Durandal gets up and, as quickly as he can, climbs to the top rope. Looking down at Ash, he raises his arms high in the air, and the fans begin to boo at the top of their

lungs.

King: You know what he's going for!

Axis: Well, obviously, the flying headbutt.

King: I tell ya, this kid's pure dynamite!

Axis: That was horrible.

King: Yeah, well I don't see you doing any better.

Durandal jumps off the top rope and floats through the air, finally landing with a mighty CRACK on Ash, slamming his head into Ash's sternum! Durandal gets to his feet and then yanks Ash up. With the PokeFreak still stunned, Durandal whips him to the corner, where Ash hits hard and crumbles down into a seated position.

Durandal's eyes grow wide, and a sadistic smile spreads across his face. He charges in at top speed and nails Ketchum in the face, scraping his Doc Marten across Ash's countenance. He rears back and nails Ash again with a boot scrape, then grabs him by the legs and drags him to the center. With Frost beginning to stir, Durandal steps on Ketchum's exposed neck and stands on it as the fans boo. With the crowd raining heat on him, Durandal throws his arms into the air and pumps them proudly, as if he had already won the match.

Axis: And look at the ego on Durandal! He may have changed his name, but this kid hasn't changed at all!

King: Of course he has! Now he can HEAR the crowd when they boo him!

Durandal looks down at the hapless Ketchum, staring at his beet-red face and bulging eyes, and actually has the gall to spit in Ketchum's face! This enrages the fans to no end, and they begin throwing trash at the ring. It deflects off the cage, preventing any of the fans from hitting him... but Frost looks up and sees the spectacle, and HE gets just as angry! He runs over and grabs the lightweight Clannie by the throat, then swings him into the air and plants him to the mat with a vicious chokeslam! Oddly, the fans pop for Frost, mainly because he freed Ketchum from his humiliating position.

King: YES!!! MY MAN IS GETTING PROPS!

Edwin: Because he saved Ash, King.

Axis: Edwin has a point...

As Durandal slowly climbs over the top of the cage, Frost nearly catches him, the ANGRY Icelander reaching up for a swipe but missing. Durandal laughs at his foolishness, bringing the other leg over the cage. Ketchum slowly begins HIS ascent, all three men going for it!

King: Well, that’s it! Durandal pulls it off!

The cagey Clannie begins his descent, laughing heartly as he descends the cage, but suddenly, the crowd cheers and Durandal can descend no more...

FOR FROST HAS GRABBED HOLD OF HIM AND IS STRAINING TO PULL HIM BACK INTO THE CAGE! He slowly begins to pull Durandal up, the Clannie digging in to the cage wall and tryting to resist, but the monster from Iceland easily makes work of Durandal, slowly pulling him back toward the top of the cage. As Ash grabs hold of Frost’s leg and tries to pull him over, he pulls Durandal back over, falling back from the weight shift. This fall pulls Ash along with the two, and all three fall to the mat, the ring shaking like an acre of land on the San Andreas Fault. The three men remain motionless as their bodies hit the mat, but slowly, veeeery slowly, they begin to move, showing signs of life as they attempt to get up.

Edwin: Oh... this is REALLY over, King...

First is Ash, the one who fell the least, and he begins to get onto his feet, staggering toward the cage wall and clinging onto it. Next, the invincible Frost, who gets up, grabbing his back in some pain, but otherwise OK. And then... last, as Frost reaches the cage wall and Ash ebgins his ascent, Durandal finally rises from the valley of the dead, grabbing his back in extreme amounts of pain. Frost begins his ascent a few seconds later, Ash 1/3 of the way up the cage.

King: Come on, Frost! You can’t lose to this f*ckup!!!

Edwin: You mean you?

King: Say it again, MacF*ck-o...

Edwin: You mean you?

King lunges at Edwin, but Edwin ducks, missing the blow.

Edwin: Ha ha! Missed me!

Durandal slowly staggers over to the cage wall, grabbing hold of it. Frost is where Ash was seconds ago, the Poke Freak 5/8 of the way up the cage. Frost begins to take bigger and bigger grasps, slowly catching Ash as Durandal begins now to climb the cage.

The cage wall begins to bend inward as over 750 pounds hang off the wall! Ash is 4/5 of the way up, Forst right behind, and Durandal is making quick time, now 1/2 way up the wall! All three men are exhuasted, but the crowd cheers them all, hoping that Frost and Durandal slip to let Ash walk off with a win, of course. The crowd rises to their feet, cheering louder and louder as now, Ash reaches the top of the cage, slowly lifting a leg up and beginning to climb over the top!

Edwin: Ketchum’s almost at the top, climbing over the wall like Humpty Dumpty!

King: Humpty Dumpty SAT on the wall, asshole.

Edwin: But he had to climb up it... didn’t he, Axis?

Axis: I’m not even going to get involved in THIS one...

As Ash climbs over the top, Durandal slips, falling all the way down the side of the cage wall and slamming into the mat below! Meanwhile, Frost swings his leg over quickly, the big Icelandic demon’s expression showing his rock-hard determination to win this.

Axis: Durandal’s out of this! We’re gonna have a new World Champ!

Edwin: Joy!

King: Crap.

As both Ash and Frost now strattle the top of the cage, the big European looka up at the smaller, frailer American. Ash is exhausted... just ready to be destroyed. Forst grins sadistically, crowd booing now as he draws his arm back slowly as Ash looks up, wondering what has gone on. As he looks up, Frost swings his fist around...

Axis: GOD NO! STOP THIS!

“WHAM!” The shot to Ash’s face seems to echo throughout the arena, Ash waivering at first, and then, with left hand on top of the cage... he begins to lean, then fall toward the outside of the cage!

King: It’s aaaaall over!!! Ash is gonna die!

Edwin: No he can’t... POKEMANIA IS FOREVER!!!! Like diamonds... and Ric Flair...

Durandal lies down in the cage, grabbing his ribs and screaming in pain while Ash falls... fallls... but wait! Suddenly, he stops falling! his left hand on top of the cage has saved him from a fall of almost 20 feet, more than likely a career-ending fall!

King: He had this won... why the f*ck did he do that?

Edwin: He saved not just himself, but his career! Pokemania still lives on!

King: How pitiful... sacrificing glory for his stupid marks...

As Ash holds on, Frost watches with great pleasure. He brings his other leg over the top, resting on the cage with both legs. Lifting his right leg up, he positions it over Ash’s hands. Ketchum grabs hold of the cage with his right hand and right foot as Frost swings the boot down, slamming into Ash’s fingers! Ketchum screams in pain, releasing his right hand, but he reamains on the cage wall, now a little further down from the top!

Ash brings his left hand down, slowly grasping hold of the cage, releasing his right hand as he very slowly and tiredly begins to climb down the cage wall’s outside!

Frost, upon seeing this, quickly brings both legs over the wall and begins his descent, trying to catch Ash before it is too late!

Ketchum continues his descent, Frost quickly catching the slower Ash about halfway down the cage. Infuriated and frustrated, Frost moves his hand behind Ash’s head, grabbing hold of the hair on the back of Ash’s head and pulling his head backwards. As he does this, the sneaky Ketchum follows suit secretly, Frost missing this as he then drives Ash’s head forward into the cage wall. In doing so, he forces Ash’s arm forward, which slams his face into the cage wall as well! Ash begins to fall backward while Frost grabs onto the cage wall, fortifying Frost’s position on the cage and all but securing him as the loser of the match.

King: NO! YOU IDIOT! STOP THAT!

Edwin: Na na na na... na na na na... hey hey hey...

King: SHUT YOUR DAMN MOUTH!!!

As Ash falls, he smiles, though ten feet to the concrete is going to hurt BADLY. But as he falls back, he throws his left arm out, and beginning his plunge downward, that arm snags the ankle of Frost’s right leg. Quickly, Ketchum grabs onto it, his body stopping it’s plunge as he now dangles from the foot of Frost, about six or seven feet from the floor. Frost looks down to see this pest, but as he tries to shake it loose, Frost loses his grip on the cage, focusing too much on Ash, and both men fall toward the floor. Landing with a "THUD!", Frost hits the floor...

But only a second after Ash does the same. Ketchum and Forst lie motionless as the ring bell rings and Funyon raises the mic to his lips, crowd cheering...

Funyon: Your winner and NEW SJL WORLD CHAMPION... ASH KET-CHUMMMMMM!!!!

Edwin: WOO!!!!! WHAT A FINISH!!!

King: ...This sucks. I’m going home.

Axis: It’s the end of the show.

The crowd rises to their feet, chanting the young man’s name as Eddy Long receives both Euro and World Titles from the timekeeper. He hustles over to the two men outside the cage. Long extends his hand out, and Ash does the same, allowing Long to pull Ash onto his feet. He is bloody, beaten, and tired... but he is champion once more. And that is truly pricesless to Ash Ketchum, especially when Eddy hands him the belt. Frost remains on his back, eyes shut as he winces in pain only momentarily. “Elevation” blasts over the speakers as Misty comes to her man’s side, supporting him like a crutch as he tries to stagger up the entrance ramp, crowd cheering while he pumps his fist into the air with that split-finger victory sign protruding from the fist.

Axis: Once more, Ash Ketchum has proved himself to be the better of the three men... but they all deserve applause, especially, in my mind, Frost. What a great athlete the Iceland native is. He will be the JL’s future, along with Ash, now that Durandal is being bumped to the SWF. But who knows? Maybe those two mystery men are JLers as well... we’ll have to wait and see. But for now... Pokemania lives on in the SJL... forever, it seems.

In the ring, Durandal watches the crowd’s cheering, his eyes beginning to water as he screams revenge loudly at Ash. Frost looks up, his dreams of double gold shattered... for now. He, too, vows revenge... but silently. He is content as the referee hands him his European Title belt.

Edwin: Oh! LOOK AT DURANDAL GO! I’ve never heard so much language in my lifetime! And I’ve never heard some of those words used THAT way before!

Axis: Edwin... shut up for just a minute, OK?

Edwin: Aye aye, sir!

Under his own power, Frost slowly begins to get up, the Icelandic Monster grabbing his back slightly as Eddy Long hands him his European Title.

King: Well... he’s still got a title. That’s good.

And as he looks up, he sees a six-year-old... a little Frostette smiling at his hero, grin from ear to ear. Frost simply stares at the kid before he makes his way up the entry ramp.... alone... as he has always been.

Axis: Frost seems very content, even in loss. That title means so much to him. In his heart, he couldn’t have won and kept that title. He had to lose to keep what TRULY meant the most to him.

Inside the cage, Durandal is in tears, having lost in his final SJL match. Unacceptable in his own terms. He is in disarray. He cannot believe it. He LOST. And as he cry, he screams out words that seem to echo above the cheers of the crowd and hold significant meaning for the future of not just two men’s lives... but maybe the lives of many:

Durandal: JUST YOU WAIT, ASH!!! I WILL HAVE REVENGE!!! YOU ARE MINE!!!! YOU ARE MINE!!! SO SAYS THE CLAN!!!!

Fade to black...

May 26, 2002

Summary!

Singles Match

Impact vs. Kojack

WINNER: Impact

Spread Eagle on the Car Match

Cuttroat vs. T-Bone

WINNER: Cutthroat (Default)

Hide And Seek Bra and Panties Match

Scott Reid vs. Creed

SPECIAL RING ENFORCER: Thoth

WINNER: Doube no show I'm assuming...

Singles Match

#1 Contendership for TV and European Titles

"The Franchise" Mak Francis vs. "Insane Luchadore" Andrew Rickmen

WINNER: Andrew Rickmen - Euro #1 Contender, Mak Franics - TV #1 Contender

Reverse Inferno/Semen Match

Jacob Helmsely vs. Johnny Generic

WINNER: Um, everyone. I think you can all be glad this never happened.

Singles Match

#1 Contendership for the World Title

Xero vs. Sydney Sky

WINNER: Sydney Sky

Main Event

Cage Match for the SJL World Title

WINNER & NEW SJL CHAMPION: Ash Ketchum (Joint Match with Durandal)

SJL Crimson, May 25th

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