HD: Alix/Los Diablos hijinks

[Tony149 0]

OAOAST correspondent Terry Taylor is outside in the parking lot area. 

TERRY
Well, ladies and gentlemen, I was all set to conduct an interview Los Diablos de Fuego, the most talked about tag team since Chicks Over Dicks, a duo I'm very familar with, when I received word they had fled arena. Just minutes ago I was informed they were on their way back to the building, and here I am outside ready for their arrival. I haven't been able to find out why they left the arena, just that they left on foot. 

* HONK, HONK...HONK, HONK, HONK *

From the cover of darkness a pair of HEADLIGHTS beam straight ahead, the rock classic "Rock You Like a Hurricane" blaring from the car speakers.  

TERRY
I can clearly make out Los Diablos de Fuego, Moracca and Mariachi, but I can't tell who the person driving the is. Whoever it is, they are wearing glasses. Oh, no. ALIX SPEZIA! 

"Here I am am...Rock you like a hurricane!" 

Alix Maria Spezia, one half of Chicks Over Dicks, pulls up in a pink PINTO, wearing an aviator hat, googles and a red scarf around her neck. In the passengers seat are Los Diablos de Fuego, sitting on top of each other, sharing a bottle of TEQUILA with two straws. Alix parks the car and the 3 step out, taking a seat on the hood. 

ALIX
Hiya, Rooster. I see you remember me. 

TERRY
I have nightmares about you. 

ALIX
That's sweet. And freaky. But mostly sweet. Like my hat? Admittingly, it's not as cute as M & M's cute pink masks, but it's very fashionable. I feel like that great aviator Angie Everheart. 

TERRY
What in the world are you driving? And what are you doing hanging out with Los Diablos de Fuego? 

MARIACHI
(sounding like Speedy Gonzalez)
The sexiest tag team in all of Meh-e-co, amigo. 

MORACCA
Ole! 

ALIX
Do I detect a hint of jealously, Terrific Terry? I think I do. Seeing as how we always seem to keep running into each other, let me be the first to introduce to you the vehicle that will become more popular than the Batmobile or the Ashton Martin. I present to you the...Wang-mobile. 

TERRY
The Wang-moblie?

ALIX
Mm-hmm. Yep. Word. Si. Ja. Yeah. Ya see, ever since my comments at World Without End about Mexicans, my tummy has been all tied up in knots. At first I thought somebody had tied all my repreductive organs together, but Krista told me only a doctor could do that, though she said it would probably be best for civilization if I couldn't reproduce. Whatever. Then one night while I was in bed, resting on my back, doing a bit of soul searching and nearly lodging my vibrator in my fanny pack forever, it hit me. Orgasm! Then it really, really, really, really hit me. I don't consider myself a very religious person. Yes, I believe in the Easter Bunny. And I hope He doesn't have any hard feelings when my time comes because I did nothing to save my pet bunny rabbit from having his head whacked off by granny. 
(looks up into the heavens)
Oh, great Easter Bunny, forgive me. If I had know grandma would crack Bunny Rummy's skull open with a hammer while singing "Kill the wabbit! Kill the wabbit!" and in the process bring back repressed memories of that evil man who played with my rabbit tail and laughed like Elmer Fudd, I wouldn't have never gave him up. It wasn't my fault we couldn't have a rabbit at our new apartment. It was Mr. Furley's fault. Mr. Furelyyyy! 

Los Diablos hand Alix their bottle of tequila. She takes a drink and wipes her mouth. 

ALIX
Oh, Easter Bunny, I'm turning into Krista. All I need is a kid, a best-selling book and DVD, two stints in Betty Ford -- and a third on the way -- a narcissistic ex and I'm her. As I was saying. I don't consider myself a very religious person, but that night I think I knew how Moses felt when he parted the Red Sea with the 24" pythons, dude. It was then that I felt the power of the Easter Bunny running wild through my body. In actuality, I forgot to take out my vibrator. The point is, I knew what I had to do. I got on my Hello Kitty phone and called Krista in Agrentina, asking her to apologize to all the Mexican people. Krissy got all pissy, screaming at me for interrupting her during the Bush protest. I mean, really, she should just shave it if she doesn't like it. "I'm in Argentina, not Mexico," she said. How the heck am I supposed to know the difference between the two? Both countries speak French. To make my wasting Krista's time worth while I asked her if she could ever be so kind and get me an autograph from Evita. And she hung up on me! I just wanted her to ask Evita what it was like to date Denis Rodman. Then it hit me again. I checked to see if I hadn't forgotten to take out my vibrator. All clear. Third time's the charm. The OAOAST employs little Mexicans. Los Diablos de Fuego. 

MORACCA & MARIACHI
Ole! 

ALIX
Hurray! Nothing comes easy to me. Not 2+2 or the proper use of semi-colons. So when I heard Moracca and Mariachi made a run for it, I knew now was the time. I didn't know where they lived. The OAOAST doesn't give out information on wrestlers' private lives. For all I knew M & M crossed the Rio Grande. But when they saw I was after them, boy, did they put on the afterburners. I followed them for blocks, finally trapping them after they immediately ran out of the strip club they had enter with bras and panties, which I happen to be wearing right now. I'm not one to question people's sexuality, but...(whispering)...I think they're gay.

MORACCA
Smile. 

MORACCA & MARIACHI
:D :D

ALIX
Ain't that just the cutest thing? Anyway, we struck a conversation that consisted of 15 minutes worth of "que's" and "what's." Luckily I knew enough sign language to make out Taco Bell. Did you know Taco Bell in sign language is just pointing behind you at the Taco Bell across the strip club? I didn't. Los Debtors were homesick. So, after convincing Moracca and Mariachi that I had all my cootie shots, I went riding--cruising, as my cholos, would say--with them to Taco Bell to bring a little piece of home to them. We even brought you something, Terry. 

Los Diablos toss a Taco Bell paper bag to Taylor. 

MARIACHI
Grande meal. 

TERRY
Th--Thank you. I think. 

ALIX
It was there that I told them, as the voice of the Mexican people, that I'm sorry for my comments at the WEEEEE. 

MORACCA
No pee. No have to pee. 

ALIX
No, I'm talking about the pay-per-view. 

MARIACHI
We lose, but we make doctor amigos. 

MORACCA
Ah, si. Free colon exams. Muy caliente. 

MARIACHI
Si. 

Los Diablos giggle, then take a sip of tequila out of their straws. 

ALIX
I have what my fellow brothers and sisters call soul, Terry. I'm like Halle Berry; I'm mixed! Maybe the Academy will send me an Oscar.  

MORACCA & MARIACHI
Que?

TERRY
Uh, I think you're a bit confused, young lady. 

ALIX
And how would you know that, hmmmmm? You weren't a rooster and yet you still called yourself the Red Rooster? Hmmmmmm?

MORACCA
Cock-a-doodle-do. 

MARIACHI
Heh Heh Heh Heh Heh. [i]Cock[/i]-a-doodle-do!

MORACCA
(giggling)
Muy malo. 

ALIX (CONT'D)
My middle name is Maria, that makes me Mexican. 

MORACCA & MARIACHI
Ole! 

ALIX
Oil of Olay! I'm a soul man-- woman. Soul woman. 

TERRY
You brought up something I'd like to ask you about. 

ALIX
My vibrator? 

TERRY
No. 

ALIX
You want an autograph from Evita, too? Well, you just gonna have to wait, buster. I asked first!

TERRY
Not that, Alix. I wanna ask you about Krista. 

ALIX
(disappointed)
Oh, I see. I know what you're gonna ask me, Terry. 

TERRY
You do?

ALIX
Yep. You wanna ask Krista out on a date? 

TERRY
What?! No! 

ALIX
It's because she's blonde, right? Blondes have more fun. She isn't easy. I am. I'm very easy. And I don't have a kid. I'd go down on you a minute thirty into the date, Krista wouldn't. She hates all men, the oppressors, as she calls them. I wouldn't go out with you anyway. You're old enough to be my father, sicko! In case you didn't hear it right the first time. Sicko! 

MORACCA
(slurred speech)
Los Diablos de Fuego will liberate los hombres, Senor Taylor. 

TERRY
I wasn't going to ask her for a date. 

ALIX
Suuuuuure. 

TERRY
Seriously. I wanted to ask you about Krista's actions last week. 

ALIX
Oh, that. Well, you know her. Never missing an opportunity to beat up one of the guys. Johnny Exlax and Scotty "I'd get more action if my last name were Baio" Static got what they had comin'. You don't abuse the K.I.D. and expect to get away with it. No sireebob. Krista has bigger balls than most men. Now that I think about it, she is kinda manly in a way. She curses, loves to drink, scratch her crotch area, and is tough. The bitch is tough. If we were lesbains, and some people actually think we are -- can you believe that? -- she would be the butch one, throwing me down on the bed and attacking me like a wild savage. OOOOOOH, yeah!  

TERRY
What's this have to do with Krista's actions last week?!

ALIX
Nothing. I just like talking. Can you tell I like talking? Krista says I talk too much. But I can't help it. She says the mouth is like diarrhea. As if. The mouth is meant for talking and cramming a 9" d-- 

* RING RING *

Alix picks up her cellphone. 

ALIX
Hello? Hey, girlfriend. Whatcha doin'? (waves at the camera) Hi! Hi Maya. How'd the book signing go? Record attendence? Bitchin', girl! Whaddya mean I look like an idiot? I feel warm and cuddly, like Snuggles. Remember Snuggles? Oh, come on, Snuggles isn't the product of capitalist pigs because pigs can't talk, silly. Unless it's Babe. Babe can talk. STOP YELLING AT ME! Maya, your mom is abusing me again. "Look out behind you"? Why? 

* BOOM * 

Scotty Static breaks a 2x4 across the back of Alix, while Johnny Jax clotheslines Los Diablos from behind, knocking off their somberos. Static picks up the tequila and takes a drink before SHATTERING it over the head of Alix. 

TERRY
Help! We need help! 

COLE
My god! Somebody get security out there now! 

Terry tries to put a stop to things, but he's quickly overwhelmed by the youthful GPX. Static and Jax put the boots to Alix, before scooping her up and slamming her on the hood of the car. Scotty CHOKES an onconusious Alix Spezia with her own scarf while putting the badmouth to Alix and Krista. 

COLE
Get some help out there now, damnit! I understand security is on their way, but they can't get their soon enough. Those bastards, Scotty Static and Johnny Jax, damn them! 

The GPX watch as a shaken Moracca and Marichi rise back to their feet and laugh. They walk up to them, Los Diablos staggering back, not knowing what hit them moments ago.

SCOTTY
Yo, Jax, aren't they the openingly homosexual tag team in the biz? 

JOHNNY
Yeah, man. Hey, this is INS. 

The GPX laugh. 

SCOTTY
Lemme ask ya sweethearts a question. Being a straight-to-the-bone red-blooded American male...

JOHNNY
(singing)
American male...American male... Hahaha!

SCOTTY (CONT'D)
I'm wondering, what's it like to, you know...

JOHNNY
I dare you, bro. I dare you. Triple dog dare you, boy! 

SCOTTY
Oh, you triple dog dare me? 

JOHNNY
Triple dog dare, baby! 

SCOTTY
(to Los Diablos)
What it like to...take up the ass? 

Johnny Jax becomes estatic, jumping up and down. 

JOHNNY
I so can't believe you did it, son! DAYUM!  

SCOTTY
(to Los Diablos)
Hey! I asked you a question. Do you know who we are? 

MORACCA
N'Sync?

MARIACHI
(Excitedly pointing at Johnny)
Ricky Martin! Ricky Martin! Atractivo estupendo!

MORACCA & MARIACHI
(singing)
I don't care! I just wanna be yours! I know I'd told you I'd never love you the way I did again, after all that you did to me!

JOHNNY
Oh, that's it, bitch. 

Without further comment, the enraged GPX pounce on Los Diablos de Fuego, slamming them against the car and peppering them with brutal right hands. 

SCOTTY
We're the Global Party XChange! The best tag team this damn company has ever seen. 

Los Diablos begin fighting back with wild blows to the head and body. They charge Scotty and Johnny and take them down to the pavement! Surprised that the fruity duo was able one-up them, GPX is unable to prevent the Diablos from hammering their handsome faces with wild punches. The fans watching from the AngleTron inside the arena roar as Mariachi and Moracca take it to the brash and cocky GPX. 

COLE
Oh, my god!  Los Diablos de Fuego and The GPX are throwing it down in the parking lot.  

COACH
I've never seen Los Diablos act like this. Shouldn't they be throwing weak slaps and pinching arms and butts?

COLE
Los Diablos de Fuego are actually taking it to The GPX. I say good riddence. What they did to Alix was over the line. 

The crowd boos as security forces lead by Carl Winslow breakup the fight in the parking lot. Los Diablos and EMTs check on Alix, who is still slumped over the car's hood. Behind the protection of a mass of burly security guards, GPX hurls a string of homophobic slurs at their new rivals.

COLE
I hope Alix is okay. It's a good sign that she's moving around. I tell you what. The war of words between The GPX and COD just took a serious turn, one I think will leave The GPX regretting this night. Krista is going to be pissed!

Edited November 18, 2005 by Patty O'Green