HD: LOVE SHACK~!

[King Cucaracha 0]

[color=blue]OAOAST Productions, Proudly Presents...[/color]
[color=purple][size=6]#~~THE LOVE SHACK~~#[/size][/color]

We're taken to 'Grand Rapids', 'MI', to the state of the art set of the world's most influential interview program, [i]The Love Shack[/i]! Our wild and wacky host, often compared to Larry King in his prime, Leon Rodez is sitting behind his desk wearing a Grand Rapids Griffins hockey jersey. 

RODEZ
Oh, hello there. Welcome to The Love Shack, the show [i]Entertainment Weekly[/i] called insipid, base, distasteful, and a banal rout that sets broadcast journalism back twenty years. Fortunately, I declared that week opposite week, and that means they really liked the show! Thanks guys! Now, The Love Shack is more then just a place for me to be a comedic foil to straight laced heels and uptight babyfaces who the bookers have forced me to tag with. No, The Love Shack is also a place for me to pontificate (I've been doing mah book learnin') about serious issues of the day. I'll tell you what's a serious problem. The Boy Scouts of America. That's right, you heard me. Bear with me. Innocent organization designed to breed upstanding citizens or Neo Nazi cult designed to breed super soldiers to prepare for the arrival of cyborg Hitler? Before you change the channel to a rerun of [i]The Parkers[/i], and proclaim I've been hitting the wacky weed, look at this picture of these hate mongering servants to the third Reich, then decide.

[IMG=http://i2.photobucket.com/albums/y39/Portfree/boyscouts2.jpg]

RODEZ
(shaking his head)
I think the answer is fairly obvious. Wouldn't you say, audience? Audience? Audience? There is no audience, even though I promised free punch. Camera man, say yes.

CAMEREA MAN
Yeah, screw Hitler. 

RODEZ
Yes. That's why I propose a new group where young boys can be molded into the men of the tomorrow, free from pervy old dudes giving them the once over. I propose the uh..Rodez Scouts of America. No, I won't give you any fancy badges from walking old ladies across the street and not coping a feel while doing it, no I won't teach you any stupid skills that will only be useful if you decide you want to be Davey Crockett when you grow up, no I won't give you a uniform that's basically an invitation to bigger kids to beat your ass, but I will give you this; [i]Spice World[/i] on DVD. A cinematic masterpiece. I always liked Sporty Spice, because it always felt like I could do her. She was hot, but ugly enough that she felt doable to the average man. Speaking of ladies I wouldn't mind doing, let's introduce my guests. They haven't been on a pay per view since Laguna Beach season one was still on the air, they've wrestled exactly two matches in the past four months, but that's alright, that's okay, they're gonna make it anyway, because they're really hot. They are Chicks Over Dicks....Alix Maria Spezia and Krista Isadora Duncan...

Cue the applause track as The COD walk onto the set. Alix merrily waves to some non-existant audience members while Krista seems noticeably less enthralled. The two sit down on their provided chairs, Krista closest to Leon. Until, that is, Alix picks up her chair and squeezes it in the small gap between Krista's and the desk.

ALIX
Did I hear you right? Did you say that I was really hot? Aw, that's so nice of you. Isn't that nice, Krista? She looks angry. Best not talk to her too much. I really like it when men say that to me because it means they're not just into me for my brains or to steal my expert haircare tips. Men are such women nowadays. Have you noticed that? Huh? Huh? And, not like those half and halfers. Love Hewitts, I call them. She tried to sue me once, but then we spread that rumour about her on the internet. So. Owned. That's what she gets for stealing my part in [i]Can't Hardly Wait[/i]. But, I think I've said to much because there's a flick knife jabbing me in the thigh, which usually means Krista's getting tetchy. Or she's drunk. Or not drunk enough. Putting on facecream, wearing pink, washing their hair more than twice a week. If I don't do that, why should men? Makes no sense. I see you have funny little braids in your hair, so I'm gonna stop talking.

RODEZ
Good, so...

ALIX
See, I like compliments. They're so...complimentary. Like those funny little mints that you get on your pillows. Your minty compliments make me all fuzzy inside. In a good way. Not the way I went fuzzy inside when I accidently swallowed that lollipop I found down the back of my car seat and unwrapped and put in my mouth to see if it was apple or lime. But Krista, she has this kinda thing where she kinda wants to kill every male that she sees. Kinda. In fact, if she were paying attention enough to realize that you called her hot, you'd be in a lot of hot, bubbly water right now. If that desk wasn't protecting your wang shaft, she'd have probably dived onto you as soon as she walked in and cut it right off. She did it to this hobo one time. Man, that was some running. Some people would probably enjoy that though.

RODEZ
Oh, I know exactly what you mean. And what I mean by that is, I kinda tuned out midway through what you were saying and started staring at your breasts. But I heard the last bit...and I've seen it all in my time.

ALIX
Really? Have you ever seen a Portugese woman in an Emu costume getting it on with two Alsatians.

RODEZ
Uh, no.

ALIX
Oh, damn. Okay, okay, how about this one. A woman called Krista and a guy called Ned in the back alley behind a [i]Diary Queen[/i]?

RODEZ
Ha, yeah, I saw that one!

ALIX (to Krista)
See! And to think, you said nobody with half a braincell would buy it!

KRISTA
I still have no evidence to say otherwise.

This 'interview' is beginning to get out of control. So, ever the professional, Rodez completely ignores the bickering going on between his guests and simply grabs a swig of his Fresca.

ALIX (to Rodez once more)
Hey, you're tag team partners with Zack now, aren't you! Boy, that must be fun. I really mean that. Honestly. I swear on it. Promise. Honest engine. Incase you couldn't tell, that was sarcastic. Zack sucks. By the way, this interview is really swell, don't ya think?

RODEZ
Can't be any worse than my recent efforts. So, anyway, Krista, you haven't said much. What do you think of the interview so far?

KRISTA
Me? I think it's been god awful. It's like being tied, bound and gagged to your bed and being forced to watch re-runs of [i]MadTV[/i] 24 hours a day, all day, every day. Cruel and unusual punishment. But, maybe I'm being too kind. I have that habit. How about I tell it to you straight, kiddo. It's a farce. You're no more of an interviewer than David Letterman is. It's more of a farce than American Idol. It's more of a farce than NASA. It's more of a farce than WNBA coverage. Sure, we don't know how to dunk, but we make up for it with good fundamentals. Yeah, so I stole that line from a Futurama epsiode...so what? Are you saying that makes me unoriginal? Obviously, you're not saying with words. But I can read your mind. You're lusting after my little sister and hoping that that lackey you sent to get you a foot long from Subway would hurry the hell up. 

ALIX
Oh my gawd! We're sisters!?! That means we just got our incest on in the dressing room before we came out here! That's hot! But I don't want our babies to come out all deformed and defective. Like they could have three eyes, or six arms, or be [i]Saved By The Bell[/i] fans.

KRISTA
(cringing)
You, Mister Rodez, also think I'm unoriginal. Me. Unoriginal. Leon, you're preaching to the choir here. We're the original originals. And we don't need cool jackets with our names on to prove it. Chicks Over Dicks have been ripped off more times than Christina Aguilera's underwear. Consistantly and rampantly. With teeth. Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen? Bitch, please. Alix had an eating disorder while they were still occupying space in their mother's womb...sapping her energy...taking her internal fluids...making her unattractive to the opposite sex. Yes, I have issues. Don't even get me started on that jerkoff Billy Banks. All the moves in Tae-Bo were the same I used to kick his bald ass when he made a pass at me at Miss California contest. The Pussycat Dolls? Don't make me laugh. Seriously, I got a botox injection and it'll make my face hurt. They're a ripoff of a ripoff. Where do you think the Spice Girls got their dress sense from? Certainly not us. They did steal everything else from us though. Including Alix's singing voice. Don't you wish your girlfriend was a freak like me? That was my sure-fire chat-up line for 7 years, 8 months, 23 days. Not that I need it now, seeing as all men are sub-human pigs who impregnate you with their demon spawn and then run off to form half baked tribute acts to wrestling tag-teams from the 1980s.

RODEZ
Not me.

KRISTA
I'm sorry little boy, did you say something? I've heard that before. You narcissistic sports pimps are all the same.

RODEZ
No, seriously. I'm a former pornstar see...

ALIX
Really?

RODEZ
...so, I'm actually incapable of that, if you catch my drift...

ALIX
Rrrrreeeeeaaaaalllllyyyyy?

RODEZ
...and me and Zack don't rip off anyone from the 1980s. Zack's too busy ripping off the entire early 90's re-run lineup. I pratically had to beg him not to call ourselves Hang Time.

ALIX
Rrrrrrreeeeeeeaaaaaaalllllllyyyyyyy?

RODEZ
...actually, no. It was the other way around. Seemed cool at the time.

Awkward silence. Alix glances at a nonexistent watch on her left wrist, as Krista contemplates suicide, just to get out of this ear-bleeding pointless segment.

RODEZ
According to this card, I have to talk about OAOAST matters on the show. So I'll abandon my planned discussion on climate change's affect on the mighty Himilayas and ask you about tonight instead. And, everyone's happy. Win for me, win for you Krista...err...and Alix...err...

ALIX
I found a nickel! It was in someone's pocket!

RODEZ
Wow...nickel! That's one of the most precious metals alive!

ALIX
I know! Wanna see it?

Reaching hurriedly into her pocket, Alix pulls out the nickel and shows it to Leon with a beaming smile. But Leon isn't looking at the nickel. He's looking right into Alix's eyes.


Cue sickly sweet, romantic music.


ALIX
...Oh, that's my phone. *picks up phone* Hello? I'm sorry, I can't quite hear you, this is a very bad connection. You want to know how big my whats are? Man, there's a lot of static here. But, thankfully, no Jax. Hello? You'll have to speak up. You want to know if you can jab your long, floppy, rubber what up my who? I think you might have the wrong number, madam. Unless you got this off a bathroom stall door. In which case, thank you very much for your interest in whatever services you've been told I provide. But, unfortunately, I don't do that sort of thing unless you're a tall, rich, blonde, who happens to think the phrase “happy hour” has a silent “twenty four” in the middle. My “sister” however, seems to be turning into a man-hating lesbian as of late, so maybe I'll put her on. Nope, flick knife in the thigh again. Best hang up now. Toodles! *hangs up* And now, back to the staring.

Re-cue sickly sweet, romantic music.

KRISTA
Ugh! That's it, I'm out of here. There's a liquor store around the corner run by a guy who looks like Chong. Or the other guy. I forget which one. If I haven't staggered out of there in 10 minutes, somebody grab the defibulator from my locker room. I might need to sell it for some beer money.

And with that, Krista grumpily walks off. Leaving Alix and Leon still engaged in a super STAREDOWN~! ... OF LOVE~! 

RODEZ
So, assuming your “sister” isn't going to affixiate herself to death, you wanna go grab something to eat?

ALIX
You had me at Hello.

RODEZ
That's funny. I don't remember saying "Hello".

ALIX
Sure you did. Silly! 

RODEZ
No, I think that was the dominatrix chick on the phone.

ALIX
Oh. Well, either way, it turned me on. So, where are we going to eat then? I fancy something different. Like people say, when in Rome. Hey, lets get pizza! No, wait, Rome's in Italy. What does Spain have. Think Alix, think. You've watched [i]Where In The World Is Carmen Sandiego[/i]. Spain. Spain. Beaches? Bullfighting? Landon Maddix? Uh, uh...PAELLA! Let's have some of that. With french fries!

RODEZ
...yeah, okay! Just, let me take care of this quickly. *to camera* That was the Love Shack, I was Leon Rodez, Krista was here, Alix still is...next week, stuff will happen no doubt. So, yeah, okay, see ya, yeah, bye. C'mon, let's go get stuffed.

ALIX
Ooh, goodie! Let's go get something to eat first though.

Leon seems confused for a minute, but seems to get the picture and beams as he scuttles out from behind the desk. Grabbing Alix by the arm, Leon then whisks the wacky Ms. Spezia out of her chair and away out of shot. Just missing a stagehand walking in from the other side of the camera, carrying with him a plastic carrier bag, with a Subway logo...