King Cucaracha 0 Report post Posted January 26, 2006 (edited) BACKSTAGE is the place. And Jade Rodez and brother, #30, Leon, are walking down the hall on their way to the COD locker room. JADE It's a really funny story I swear. Don't you wanna hear it? I know Alix'll love it. She laughs a lot. You wanna hear it, right? LEON Fine, fine, just get it out. JADE So Molly Matthews and I were on her farm this weekend and she was teaching classes on how to milk a llama. It's part of a government sponsored program. LEON What excellent use of my tax dollars. JADE So, there was this big tough redneck John Wayne dude, and he thinks it's silly for Molly, a girl, to teach the class. So he starts acting like a loudmouth and says, “I ain't gonna no let no female show me how to milk no llama”. So he pushes Molly aside, and starts milking the llama himself. But then he pulled too hard, I guess because the milk sprayed out all in his face. And he got really mad and said “God damn, rodent!” and tried to punch it, but the llama kicked him right in the face and opened up this huuuuuuge cut! So he had blood and llama milk in his eyes and he couldn't see and he's like “Water! Ah need water!” so he dives into a nearby puddle and he says “So refreshing” over and over again until Molly tells him that the puddle is a pool of horse urine! Isn't that funny? I guess you had to be there, huh. A despairing Leon and the oblivious Jade approach the COD locker room. They enter without knocking. Unfortunatley, the reason for their visit, Alix Maria Spezia, is no where to be found. Perhaps even more unfortunate for Mr.Rodez is that Krista Isadora Duncan is present. The slowest most painful seconds of Leon's short life tick past, as Krista sits on the couch reading a book, while he's forced to stand awkwardly at the doorway. Finally, he works up the nerve to say something to break silence she was treasuring. LEON Uh, hi, Krista. Engrossed in her book, Krista ignores him. LEON Krissy? Krista ignores him again, which leads Jade to giggle. LEON ....Izzy? KRISTA You may refer to me as “My intellectual superior” and I, in turn, will refer to you solely as “The Douche". Got that, Douche? Jade snickers, but instantly puts on a disapproving face when emotionally wounded Leon glares at her. LEON Hey, I'm really trying to make an effort here. KRISTA An effort to do what? To treat Alix like she's your personal sex toy, available to your horny whims twenty four hours a day? If that's what your effort is, then I must commend you. You're doing a bang up job of it! Would you like a cookie before you get your nookie? LEON (masking his insult behind a sweetend voice) Have you ever tried, you know, not being a hateful bitch? I think it might work out for you. KRISTA (mocking Leon's tone of voice) Have you ever tried, you know, diving off a cliff into a pile of aids filled syringes? LEON Once in Aruba. Not as exciting as you might think. (trails off) Look, I just want to see Alix. KRISTA Ah, you failed to put in the “naked and in a submissive state to my sadistic and misogynistic sexual desires.” part. A simple mistake, I'm certain. She's in her lab. The news of his ditzy girlfriend having a lab causes Leon to react in the same fashion those in the middle ages must've acted when they were told the world was round, with shock, horror, and comic disbelief. LEON What?! She has a lab? My Alix has a lab? KRISTA If you took an interest in things of hers that can't be covered by a skimpy bra from Victoria's Secret, then perhaps you might've known that. (Krista finally looks up from her book.) And she's my Alix. She'll never be yours. JADE You really should know if she has a lab or not, Leon. What kinda boyfriend are you? Did you know she grows Oregano? KRISTA Ore...oh to be young and naieve! *KABOOOOOM!* What's that terrible noise, you ask? That's the sound of an explosion going off in the near room! As the trio's worried eyes turn towards the doors, Los Diablos De Fuego, wearing lab coats come running out. The homosexual superstars are in hysterics, screaming in Spanish and crying as though some tremoundous tragedy transpired. KRISTA Mariachi, Moracca, where's Alix? Is she alright? MARIACHI Senorita Alix! Ooooooh! Muy Malo! Her lab coat covered in blood, and her cute face soaked in dust and soot, Alix Spezia steps out of her “laboratory”. And by laboratory, read the en-suite attached to the COD locker room. ALIX Eureka! KRISTA You actually managed to create a race of superior tap dancing lizards that rival the dancing ability of the late Alvin Ailey? ALIX No silly! Eureka's Castle. That's the name of the show I was trying to think of. I got the castle bit, but I couldn't get the first name. Now I have it, in addition to a lizard's lung in my hair. Or maybe it's something else? Heh, I bet this lizard was real popular with the lady lizards! Hey Krissy, ya know how you told me Iguana's can grow their tails back? Well, how about their uh...eyes....or their arms, or their heads, or their ears, or any other random body part that's currently resting on my lab's wall? KRISTA You exploded your iguana? ALIX Uh. Heh-heh. About that. What if I, kinda, sorta...now this is just one of those hypodermic questions or wherever, but what if I, you know, wasn't really using an iguana but was actually using and have subsequently exploded your pet kitty, Gloria? KRISTA WHAT!?! Martha Stewart gave me that cat!! ALIX Oooookay, let's just run with the whole iguana thing. OH, we have guests!! Jade, my lizard just went BOOM! Like when that Ozbourne dude shot that JFK dude in the head. I know Ozbourne was pissed his show got canceled and his daughter sucks and everything, but he didn't have to shoot el presidente! OH, Lee-Lee, poor Gloria...uh..I mean poor unnamed lizard. LEON Hey, it's okay. (thinks about putting an arm around Alix's shoulders, before spotting the random lizard/cat goo on her lab coat and thinking better of it) I know what'll make it all better. ALIX What's that...is it a PRESENT! Oh my Gawd, you get me a present? That's so thoughtful of you. You didn't get me anything for Christmas, or New Year's, or our one month anniversary, or our one and a half month anniversary or even on . But, you've gotten me something today! Is it another kittyguana? Coz, I could kinda do with one right now. Ooor...is it money? No, no, you're only a midcarder, you don't make much if I remember right. If I know my Lee-Lee, it's gonna be somethin' real special that no-one else in the whole history of the world has ever gotten. Liiike...A DINOSAUR! No, no, wait that's silly. You midcarders would never make enough money to buy dinosaurs. Maybe one of those little ones that could fly...but, who'd want one of them? Who could they kill? LEON I was thinking of something a little more realistic and, you know, logical...such as unprotected sex! ALIX Oh man. That's all we ever do! When is this nightmare of hot sweaty sex in public places gonna end? LEON Well, what would you rather do? ALIX I want to know the real Leon. Your hopes. Your dreams. Your fears. Your middle name! LEON Um, my hopes are to have sex with you. My goal is to have sex with you. My fear is that while having sex with you I'll think about my mother, because you look like she did when she was young, thus turning sex with you into a disturbing yet strangely erotic experience. My middle name is I want to have sex with you. As a bonus, I like taking long walks on the beach where I fantasize about having sex with you on the beach or really any other location of your choosing. ALIX ....works for me! Come on, baby, why don't you stick your test tube in professor Alix's bunson burner? Disgusted, Krista chugs down a bottle of handy nearby Tequila as Alix motions for the 'jumpy up and down' Los Diablos to follow her. LEON Woah, slow the love train down, they're coming too? ALIX Yeah! Since when do you have a problem with an audience? LEON Well, I don't know about this. They'll be staring at my...you know...my 'thunderbolt'. ALIX Awwwww. LEON Eh, what the hell, I've been in worse situations. (to Los Diablos) But NO TOUCHY! COMPRENDÉ! MORRACA Manéjese con cuidado, Lee-Lee...MMMWWWWAAA! (slaps own BUTT) LEON .....hehehe, 'Morraca'. What a funny name. Alix and Leon run back into her lab with Leon heard to yelp "watch the arm" (psychology~!), with Los Diablos De Fuego right behind them. They seem to miming something about squishing something, or grabbing someone, but let's just leave that be shall we. That leaves Jade and Krista. Krista goes back to her book while Jade watches on, perhaps waiting for some sort of recognition for actually being alive and present. But she gets none. JADE Uh..I...I... KRISTA Yes? Come out with it, Porky Pig. JADE (sighing) Nevermind. Another highly awkward silence sweeps through the room, before Krista says something that's sure to get her kicked off the PTA. KRISTA So, you want a beer? JADE I'm only eighteen! KRISTA (laughs) And? JADE Well, I'm not old enough to drink! KRISTA Right, right. We must all respect the almighty law, yadda yadda yadda. You want a beer or not? JADE I..I..don't really think I should. KRISTA Wait a minute...you're eighteen years old and you DON'T want alcohol? Don't be a priss. A little alcohol never hurt anybody. JADE What do you call alcohol poisoning? KRISTA A myth propagated by the fascist anti-woman white men running the countries corrupt cola empires as a means to keep the superior beverage, alcohol, down. JADE What about drunk driving? KRISTA (sighs) I find swerving in out of traffic, while trying to avoid random pedestrians, a swarm of cop cars and a camera crew from Real Stories Of The Highway Patrol to be, how shall we say, invigorating. Besides, if you start drinking now it'll prepare you for time when your partner abandons you for a twisty haired scuzz king and your only remaining companions are a Neiman Marcus catalog, a glass of bourbon, and a bottle of valium as large as a monkeys head. Overcome by a wave of bad memories, Krista buries her head into her hand and starts to sob gently. JADE Are you alright, Miss Duncan? KRISTA Sweetie, the 1971 birthday I see everytime I stare at my drivers license makes me feel old enough. I don't need you making it worse by calling me Miss Duncan. Just call me Krista. Or perhaps you might wish to call me your beautiful, radiant, and youthful looking, highness. That might make me feel better for a while. JADE Wow, you're almost as old as my mom! KRISTA Okay, well this has been very...very...very...unfortunate. Good-bye. Krista gets up to find a place to drown her sorrows that's free of chatty teenagers. JADE Hey, where are you going? KRISTA While it may be late, I think there might be some traffic left on the streets I can throw myself into. JADE Wait! I never got to thank you. Stopping dead in her tracks, Krista tries to formulate the words spoken into something that makes sense without uttering the words 'DOES. NOT. COMPUTE.' KRISTA Thank me? Is that new code around here for “Make Krista's life a horrid unedurable hell”? JADE No. That's code for 'I really appreciated you saving me from Ned a couple of weeks ago'. KRISTA That? Oh, I didn't really do much. It's no big deal. JADE Yes it is! Everyone here says that your so mean and nasty, and that you're a cruel, self loathing, world hating... KRISTA Yeah, I get the point. Thank you. JADE. ...but you were the only person who came to help me when I was really in need. This is a company with forty maybe fifty wrestlers backstage, and only one came to rescue me. That was you. That was the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me. You didn't have to do that. Even the camera man just stood there watching as that pig tried to violate me, and said those horrible things about my life. God, it was so awful. And those dumb announcers, all they could do was talk about what a terrible thing it was, but they wouldn't do anything to stop it. But you did. You saw I was in danger, and you came to help me. You're the nicest person I've ever met. Honestly. A lot of people will say nice stuff, but they won't do nice things, when that's what's really important. You do nice things. KRISTA The half ton of cow feces I dumped on Tony Brannigan's lawn last year might disagree with that. JADE Wow, I wish I was like you. You beat up ALL the guys. You just start punching them and pounding them, it's awesome. If I was in any way similar to you, Ned never would've tried that stuff with me. Did you see how afraid he was of you? Wow. That would be so cool if people were afraid of me like that. You're awesome. I wanna be just like you, Krista. KRISTA Oh no you don't! JADE Oh yes I do! KRISTA Honey, Jeffery Dhamer is a better role model then me. JADE I...don't know who that is. KRISTA Look, I've really gotta go before I start hearing noises from in there. I suggest you do the same. Krista slams her book and gets up to leave...but stops in the middle of the doorway. KRISTA Um, by the way...you're welcome. Hold the front page~! as Krista just SMILED at Jade before she left the room! Granted, it wasn't a 'warm' smile. It was more of a 'make the hero worshipping teenager think you care' smile, the kind she's perfected so well for her many book signings and public appearances. But, it was still sort of a smile. Edited January 26, 2006 by Patty O'Green Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Patty O'Green 0 Report post Posted January 26, 2006 Hey, you even fleshed out my third grade worthy descriptions, and added in something to the part where I said I couldn't think of anything! Aren't you just the nicest thing ever? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
