King Cucaracha 0 Report post Posted March 2, 2006 COLE On Sunday night, the 24/7 Championship was on the line with Tha Puerto Rican taking on Leon Rodez, with a fifteen minute time-limit tacked on under orders from the champion. And somehow, after a gruelling fifteen minute battle, PRL lucked out yet once more and retained the title despite the fact Rodez quite clearly had his opponent beaten. CABOOSE The record books disagree and so do I. COLE Regardless, in the course of the show we're scheduled to hear from both Leon Rodez and Tha Puerto Rican on what went down at Zero Hour...but in addition, PRL's luck might just run out here on HeldDOWN~! Tonight, he defends the 24/7 Title against not only Leon Rodez, but also Colombian Heat, in a Triple Threat Match! CABOOSE Just another terrible decision from a terrible General Manager. [b][i]“LIGHTNING CREW!”[/b][/i] "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" COLE Woah! Well we're wasting no time tonight, because here comes Tha Puerto Rican apparantly! "No Chance In Hell" by Bradley Bonds brings the crowd to their feet collectively with rapturous boos. "YYEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!" Or, not, I guess. CABOOSE Now, this is the way to kick off the show. COLE Wait a minute... CABOOSE Tha Puerto Rican, the 24/7 Champion! COLE ...'Boose, wait up... CABOOSE The best 24/7 Champion in OAOAST history without any shadow of a doubt! COLE ...'Boose! CABOOSE What!?! COLE That's not Tha Puerto Rican. That's not the Lightning Crew. That's... CABOOSE THAT'S RODEZ DRESSED AS THA PUERTO RICAN!! Indeed, it's not the Lightning Crew, but it's 1998 all over again because here comes the 'Lightning Crew'. Of course, ' ' indicate finger quotes, so everyone do that at home while you're reading this segment. Interactive segments- The Future of the OAOAST! Leon Rodez, 'PRL', carries a replica of the 24/7 Title over his shoulder and is dressed in a typically high-brow get up. And, speaking of high brows, the normal eyebrows are accompanied by two rather over-sized painted on eyebrows which stretch right up to the top of his forehead. On 'PRL's' arm is the lovely 'Ms. Lindsay Gonzalez', who is actually Jade Rodez in the lowest cut top and shortest skirt her brother would allow her to wear for the purposes of this segment. Bringing up the rear are the other Lightning Crew members. And, let's face it, they are the 'other' members. Looking like Mr T after raiding a pawn shop, Colombian Heat has apparantly come dressed as 'Vitamin X' tonight, wearing at least 20 different pieces of jewellery. Not to mention the other bling-bling around his neck...a hubcap, an alarm clock, , a and a (naturally). Behind him is 'Mr Boricua', which is actually Otaku II wearing a rather large muscle suit, or possibly a sumo suit, underneath clothes which presumably came from a specialist supplier for ridiculously fat people. Beside him, Spanish Fly has come to the pary as Official Lightning Crew Referee, 'Thomas Rodriguez'. Of course, Fly is still wearing his mask...which makes the fact he has a Rodriguez like shaggy haired wig on top of his head even more COMICAL~! 'Rodriguez' also has a referee's shirt on incase anyone was confused, which seems to have been doused in sweat by the apparantly very nervous 'Rodriguez'. Which leaves John Brickston as 'Cuban Wall', who's just...well, dressed like Cuban Wall. Oh, and he's carrying balloons with him. COLE Wait, why's no-one out here dressed as you 'Boose? CABOOSE They wouldn't dare. COLE Well, maybe we should have Coach do the Caboose imitations then, just so you don't fell left out. COACH My pleasure...OMG LIGHTNING CREW! OMG SPLOOGE~! OMG PUER... Caboose clotheslines Coach out of his chair and he will no longer speak in this segment kthanxbye. CABOOSE Anything else to say, Mikey? COLE Nosir. 'The Lightning Crew' all enter the ring and congregate in the middle, with 'PRL' demanding a microphone. "LE - ON!" "LE - ON!" "LE - ON!" "LE - ON!" Holding the '24/7 Championship' in his hand, 'PRL' (Rodez) spins the 24/7 spinner plate. Around and around it goes and 'PRL's' eyes light up like a toddler with a new toy. Eventually, 'PRL' realises he's on national TV and breaks his gaze away from the belt for long enough to raise the microphone to his lips. A buzz goes through the arena as 'Vitamin X' excitedly jumps up and down on the spot. 'PRL' (RODEZ) FINALLY... Suddenly, 'PRL' stops. Motioning to 'Cuban Wall', 'PRL' takes one of the balloons that he's holding and pulls it down. Pulling the balloon open, 'PRL' then takes a large gulp of helium before continuing, because of course the real PRL has a high voice and that's FUNNY! 'PRL' (RODEZ) FINALLY... The Lightning Crew... have garnered a crowd reaction! "YYEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!" 'The Lightning Crew' celebrate, 'Vitamin X' and 'Mr Boricua' hugging each other while 'Cuban Wall' openly weeps in the background. 'PRL' (RODEZ) It's been three long years, but damnit you finally care about me! *Corporate Eyebrow for no particular reason* Now, what The Puerto Rican wants to talk about tonight is...Tha Puerto Rican! See, last Sunday, Tha Puerto Rican woke up, looked at his Corporate Clock and realised that it was Corporate Check-Out Time from the SmackDown Hotel! Luckily, Tha Puerto Rican couldn't afford to stay in the SmackDown Hotel, so Tha Puerto Rican had time to order some Corporate Complimentary Room Service! Tha Puerto Rican wolfed down his Corporate Cereal, supped his Corporate Chocolate Thickshake and jumped in his Corporate Chevy, before proceeding to drive his candy-ass DIRECULEE~! to The Staples Center in Los Angeles, Corporate California! COLE Heh, PRL DOES say Corporate a lot. CABOOSE Shut up, I'm trying to weep here! 'PRL' (RODEZ) And when Tha Puerto Rican arrived, he gathered his Corporate Crew together and he told them that he wanted...no, no...he DEMANDED that at Zero Hour, The Lightning Crew go 3-0! 'PRL' is interrupted, as 'Vitamin X' does the Shane O Mac Shuffle right through his camera shot. COLE Looks like the jungle cat is a little frisky tonight. 'PRL' threatens 'The X-Man' with a backhand slap. 'Vitamin X' cowers away behind a shaking 'Thomas Rodriguez', while 'PRL' gets a re-fill of helium before continuing on. 'PRL' (RODEZ) I demanded the Lightning Crew go 3-0. And damnit, we kinda did! Vitamin X, you laid the Corporate SMACK DOWN~! on John Brickston. Shane O Shuffling forward, 'The X-Man' takes the mic... “X’S A PUSS-SEE!” *Clap Clap Clapclapclap* “X’S A PUSS-SEE!” *Clap Clap Clapclapclap* “X’S A PUSS-SEE!” *Clap Clap Clapclapclap* “X’S A PUSS-SEE!” *Clap Clap Clapclapclap* ...and, guess what's waiting for him. 'VITAMIN X' (COLOMBIAN HEAT) Yo, John Brickston, I beat dat sucka...BOOYAH~! I'm the jungle cat baby. I made John Brickston feel the PPOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNCCCCCCEEEEEEEEEEEEE~! 'X' Shane O Shuffles over to the ropes and sniffs them. He then Shane O Shuffles back, almost knocking 'Thomas Rodriguez' over in the process. 'VITAMIN X' (COLOMBIAN HEAT) I beat that Hack! HACK! HACK! He's a hack and I beat him! Check out my bling, yo, BOOYAH~! and stuff, I'm a jungle cat, I'm the man, look'a me go! *Shane O Shuffle* I'm here...I'm there. I'm a lightning quick, bling bling, jungle cat! 3-0 baby! WOO! Jungl... EVERYONE ELSE SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!! 'Vitamin X' seems disappointed for a moment, before he leaps to the middle rope and screams out another BOOYAH~! to mock applause from the fans. COLE HAHAHA! CABOOSE Ugh! This is terrible! 'X' leaps back down. Suddenly, 'PRL' snatches the microphone away. 'PRL' (RODEZ) KNOW YOUR ROLE AND...settle down, would ya. Baloney. The Corporate Champion was Corporate Chuffed with your performance, X-Man. You really are a jungle Corporate Cat...whatever that means. Now, Corporate Cuban Wall. From Corporate Cuba. Smokes Corporate Cuban Cigars. Corporate Cigars. Corporate Cuban Corporate Cigars. Corporate...uhm...okay, I lost my train of thought. Wall, here. 'PRL' hands off the mic to the MONSTROUS~! 'Cuban Wall'. 'CUBAN WALL' (BRICKSTON) Thank you boss. And might I say, that's a...really nice shirt you're wearing. Really sets off your eyes. And the way you team it with those pants, well it's just really beautiful. Really...beautiful. 'PRL' (RODEZ) Tha Puerto Rican appreciates the compliment, but fells strangely uncomfortable. 'CUBAN WALL' (BRICKSTON) It's okay to feel that way my friend. Uhh...ANYWAY, what I wanna talk about is Zero Hour. Those two little punks Heat and Fly didn't stand a chance up against me and Mr Boricua. Two huge men. Two huge... muscular... heaving stacks of humanity... a real team... sweating... Quick as a flash, the rest of the 'Lightning Crew' leap in to stop 'Cuban Wall' from indulging anymore of his personal thoughts. The crowd eat it up. CABOOSE Oh, gay jokes, real mature! COLE I love it! CABOOSE Well of course you like it, you're the target audience for this sort of crap. That and the fact it's like they took a chapter right out of your diary and decided to play it out in front of millions of people. COLE (dreamily) One day... 'CUBAN WALL' (BRICKSTON) What I meant to say of course, was that me and Boricua kicked ass. We're two badass killers! Manly...like two lumberjacks, trapped alone in the forest without a map, cold, lonely, desperate for intimate company. Or...The Navy. We're real men. And we showed Fly and Heat what real men can do! Boricua grabbed Fly by the throat and pulled him close to his body. And that little midget stood there, helpless, choking on Boricua's big... thick... pulsating... throbbing... uhh, hand! Yeah, his hand! He Chokeslammed him down and I leapt right on top of him and did my thing. He was spreadeagle, there was no way he could resis... Freaking out, 'PRL' snatches the microphone away. He turns back to the hard camera, nervously looking behind him for grabbing hands. 'PRL' (RODEZ) That's...that's enough of that I think. Uh...Boricua, any Corporate Comments? 'MR BORICUA' (OTAKU II) Yeah. I, Boricua. GRRR! Boricua SMASH! Little Fly. GGRRRR! Boricua. SQUASH. Fly. GGGRRRRR! Me. Boricua. Me. Dumb. But. Me. GGGGRRRRRRR! Boricua! ... 'MR BORICUA' (OTAKU II) GGGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!! "BO - RI - CUA!" "BO - RI - CUA!" "BO - RI - CUA!" "BO - RI - CUA!" 'Mr Boricua' joins in on the chants, as a despairing 'PRL' takes the microphone back. In the background, 'Vitamin X' shows off some insanely bad dance moves to 'Thomas Rodriguez'. 'PRL' (RODEZ) Well, the main thing is, you won. And that comes to me, Tha Puerto Rican. The man who made it 3-0 at Zero Hour! Sure, Tha Puerto Rican didn't actually BEAT Leon Rodez. Infact, he came within seconds from being an ex-Corporate Champion. But damnit, I still Corporate Count it as a win! I'm riding high! As high as my girly little voice, infact! I triumphantly drew...AND THA PUERTO RICAN MEANS, TRIUMPHANTLY DREW...with that little baloney Leon Rodez! I am still the 24/7 Corporate Champion. *spins belt* I am...OOOH, LOOKATITSPINEVERYONE~! 'PRL' is strangely entranced by the spinning belt, only continuing once it finishes spinning. 'PRL' (RODEZ) I absorbed fifteen minutes of Leon Rodez kicking my Corporate Carcass on Sunday night. And I stand before you, still, 24/7 Corporate Champion of the OAOAST! THA CORPORATE CHAMP HAS SPO - KUN~! The crowd mockingly boo 'PRL'. 'PRL' (RODEZ) And tonight, I will once again find a way to Corporate Cheat you people out of a Corporate Classic Match. I will Corporate Cower from Corporate Competition until I find a Corporate Cheap way out, because damnit that's the way Tha Puerto Rican takes Corporate Care of business! Tell everyone how great I am Lindsay! Finally, 'Lindsay' gets mic. Favouring her neck from the piggyback stunner that Jade Rodez took at Zero Hour for some unknown reason, wink wink, 'Lindsay' goes into over-acting mode. 'LINDSAY' (JADE) Oh, you are SOOOOO the best PR! You totally kicked Leon Rodez tight tushy at Zero Hour and you deserve to be the 24/7 Champion today because you are just that. You're a real, 24/7 Man! I mean, you've got such amazing stamin to last fifteen whole minutes. Fifteen minutes! You're certainly got more stamina than Boricua, trust me babe. Oh man, and when Leon put that big wet kiss on my lips it was the worst orgasmic feeling I've ever had in my life, nothing compared to you PR! COLE Okay, that was a kinda creepy sentence. CABOOSE It's a death sentence, this whole segment is. 'LINDSAY' (JADE) Only you could really make me feel any better PR...well, maybe X, but he's a little selfish with the foreplay. But you're the BEST PR! You're the manliest man. You're the greatest man. You're the biggest man...except Wall, I guess...but you're close, honest! 'PRL' (RODEZ) Tha Puerto Rican's gonna cut you right off there 'Lindsay', because he's getting kinda creeped out, but thank you. 'VITAMIN X' (COLOMBIAN HEAT) HA! FOREPLAY! HA! BOOYAH~! *Shane O Shuffle* 'PRL' (RODEZ) See, Leon Rodez, I'm a man. You may be an ex-pornstar, but we all know who has the largest Corporate *Cough!*, *COUGH!*, *COUGH!* Excuse me. As Tha Puerto Rican was saying, Leon Rodez, you will never...AND THA PUERTO RICAN MEANS... NEVER be the 24/7 Corporate Champion! I will lay the smack down on your Corporate Candy ass tonight as well as Corporate Colombian Heat's Corporate Candy ass! All I wanna know is, what are you thinkin' right now. As you look at me, what do you think? When you look at Tha Puerto Rican, the greatest 24/7 Corporate Champion of all time, what's running through your Corporate Cranium? Thomas, what do you think Leon Rodez is gonna do when he sees Tha Puerto Rican next? Nervously, 'Thomas' quivers forward. 'THOMAS RODRIGUEZ' (SPANISH FLY) I... err, I mean... he... uhh... well, I think... he... uhh... he's gonna... kick PRL's... uhh... kick his ass? I mean, that... might be... what happens. And...he might come after... Vitamin X... or... Wall... or... he might come after...ME! And that scares me... because I'm... uhh... just a weak... pathetic... short... lowly referee... I'm really scared... in situations like this... I just hope that... when he gets to me... I don't... pee my pants... 'PRL' (RODEZ) Nobody wants to see that, Thomas. 'THOMAS RODRIGUEZ' (SPANISH FLY) Too late... "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" CABOOSE That offends me greatly! 'VITAMIN X' (COLOMBIAN HEAT) HA! HE PEED HIS PANTS! BOOYAH~! *SHANE O SHUFFLE~!* 'Vitamin X' shuffles across the ring, doing two full circles before finally 'Cuban Wall' punches him unconscious. 'PRL' (RODEZ) Tha Puerto Rican thanks you for that. 'Vitamin X' continues to lie motionless, until suddenly, 'PRL' gives a signal. On cue he gets up as if nothing happened and Fly tears the wig from his head, Rodez pulling off his cheap sunglasses and dropping them to the mat while Heat pulls off some of the ridiculous jewellery from around his neck. RODEZ PRL...consider this a message. We came out here and dangit, we tried oh so hard to parody you guys. But it was tough. After all, how do you parody The Lightning Crew, when The Lightning Crew are simply parodies of themselves? COLE He brings up a good point. CABOOSE He does not!! RODEZ Bottom line is, you are a joke. The Lightning Crew are jokes. And the very fact that on Sunday night you somehow managed to walk away from Zero Hour with the 24/7 Championship still flung over your shoulder despite the fact I clearly had you beaten fair and square, 1, 2, 3, is perhaps the biggest joke in the history of the OAOAST. Well tonight, the joke's on you. Me and Heat are coming after that belt tonight and you might have been able to stave off us seperately, but against two of us you are in big trouble my friend. And tonight, the 24/7 Title comes off your mantle. RODEZ So PRL, WHATCHA GONNA DO when Leon Rodez lays the smackdown on your candy ass, makes you tap out, feel the BANG~!, and the POUUUUNCE~!, Fear The Spear, And that's the Bottom Line, because that's how I roll, junior...if ya SMEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLL... that I am 4 Real! OOOWW, Have Mercy because I am, a Wrestling...GAWD~!, guarandamnteed, WOOOOOOO~!, my hands are my weapons, and that's the truth, Ruth! HEY YO~! Fuck Me? No. Fuck You! OOOH YEAH, DIGGIT, because I am the Best There Is, The Best There Was and The Best There Ever Will Be...Trust Me, tonight in this very ring PRL, you will Rest...IN PEACE-UH! I am not a nugget, so you can Suck It! You can't see me, WHAT?, I said you can't see me, WHAT?, I said you can't see me...SUCKAAAAAAA~! Yo yo yo, lemme speak on this, viva la rasa, llllllllllladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages, I am your next OAOAST 24/7 CHAMPION OF THE WOOOOOORRRRRRLLDD!!! PRL, are you ready for the griiiiiiiiind, because after tonight you will never forget the name of... shshshshshshshhsh... LEON RODEZ! But, hey, I'm not telling you anything you don't already know. YUR G'ON DUN! YUR G'ON DUN! YUR G'ON DUN... HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Rodez gives the fans a last big thumbs up before flipping the microphone up and over his head, to signal that it's interview over. Leaving the ring, Rodez then leads the way backstage for his fellow bringers of the funny, roared on by the crowd. COLE Well, that was certainly...interesting. CABOOSE Who does this idiot think he is, Pink? Get yourself an identity and stop stealing other people's! COLE That's rich, considering we're talking about Tha Puerto Rican here. CABOOSE Hey, who are you to cast aspersions on Tha Puerto Rican? COLE Oh, boo hoo. Lighten up 'Boose, at least he didn't steal our catchphrases. CABOOSE You don't HAVE a catchphrase, idiot! COLE Oh, MY! CABOOSE ... COLE More HeldDOWN~!, coming up! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
