OAOAST HeldDOWN~! 3/16/06

[KingPK 0]

OAOAST HeldDOWN opens with, a shot of the ring? And a guy in it? Holy SHIT, are we gonna see wrestling?

 

Nope.

 

Another promo. AnglePlex, Superstar, and the rest of the HATERZZZ roll in their retired graves, for its Numba 1 Stunna, the Most Hated Man in the History of the OAOAST, and YOUR former World Champion in the ring.

 

It's Sizzle to the Jizzle Time!

 

(I can't believe i just wrote that).

 

Stephen Joseph

Well HELLO! there everybody! Welcome to HeldDOWN!

 

Crowd: YEEAAHH!!!

 

Cole: Stephen Joseph came out here 10 minutes ago, just waiting for HeldDOWN to go live. We haven't seen him in the ring, since well, Anglepalooza. He was last seen here throwing a cup of beer into Hoff's face!

 

Coach: He should've stayed gone. No one cares.

 

Caboose: I'm as conflicted as I was on my girl after her high school prom. Do I, or don't I?

 

Stephen Joseph

Quit your jabbering, ya damn commentators. Let me speak, I'm paid millions for my mouth! ODALEY! ARRIBA LA...yeah okay...he sucks. And you know what else I heard. (in a Mexican voice) He sucks a little friend in the back, Holmes. A little Upstart flagpole, you know what I mean?

 

Crowd: (groans in pain and laughter)

 

Stephen Joseph (pacing the ring)

Seriously folks. I feel great. I am so glad to be back, because I'm that much closer to getting rid of the Upstarts! Tony, Dan, even you Leon. Y'all come on down. Don't mind me, but I'm going to keep talking while you do. I gots something to speak on now.

 

Now let me see here. Someone around here tried to retire me. Then,after I spent 3 months holding a title I defended well over 70 times, he spits on that and doesn't defend it at all. I don't count those damn jobbers a defense. Peter Knight, you make me fucking ashamed. Every Champion is this business out to be ashamed of you, you're pissing on the title by not defending it. Well that changes to NIGHT!

 

Hey Tony. (Tony nods, and stands in a turnbuckle corner)

 

You see, tonight, My best friend here, Tha PUERTO RICAN, gets his shot at the gold baby.

 

Hey Dan (Dan stares, but goes over to Tony)

 

It's going to be a beautiful...Whoa Leon...Back down...I'm not feuding with you, aight?

 

(Leon huffs a bit, but backs down, and goes to a turnbuckle. All 3 eye Stephen Joseph suspiciously.

 

Well good, you guys are all here. Ain't this a fucked up family. And I'm the black sheep ain't I. Well good. Now listen here fellas. I'm only saying this once, and I'm only offering this once.

 

At one point in time, I ran this place the way I wanted to ran things. If I wanted to bury you, I did. If I wanted a PPV to go a certain way, it did. If I wanted IntenseZone to end with me, it ended with me. Everyone and their mother hates my fucking guts because I manipulated everyone for YEARS, and you all despise me for that to this day...except now, we're kind of allies of convience right?

 

(They all kind of nod)

 

Well, let me put this straight. The only reason why I did all that bullshit back in the day is because I thought I had to manipulate my way to the title. I only hated on Zack because he got an easy path, TWICE, to the title. I would never have gotten the title, except, someone, not naming any names or nothing, or someones, not naming any names, but I think Tony and Dan, you know these two guys very well...they took their ball and went home. They left the OAOAST in the vacuum. And thus came my opportunity, and I got myself into it, I had a chance, and I capitalized on it. I got what I've always wanted.

 

So I'm telling you this. I'm through being a manipulator. I got the title because I was needed, and I had the opportunity. I see now that all I had to do was work with, and not against.

 

What I'm getting to is this. I'm a son of a bitch. I'm an asshole. A jackass, a rat bastard. And I'm the only weapon you sons of bitches have right now that can counter Axel, the Upstarts, Drek, and Hoff. Because I'm like them. Zack...Zack was pure enough, good enough, to fight the good fight and beat them.

 

Now he's shipped off overseas. They have you running. Leon is all tied up with Tha Puerto Rican , who may I remind you, is no fan of the Upstarts. You two guys now have to deal with Hoff and Drek. In the meantime, the rest of the Upstarts are consolidating.

 

That ain't happening. PETER KNIGHT, you should've made sure I couldn't come back. Because Tonight, marks the beginning of the long march back for the Upstarts. I'm taking over, not because I'm gonna manipulate my way there, but because these guys recognize that I can Fuck YOU!!!! up. Until Zack gets back, I'm gonna organize, I'm gonna resist.

 

Axel, you think you're so cute for pulling the Mick Foley magic papers? Bitch , please, when I was Commissioner I had so many damn papers like that, I got more holes in my contract than your mother's plugged,a and that's alot, because She's a HOOO!!

 

And the FIRST thing I'd like to announce is that I'm a gonna be at ANGLEMANIA~! as the PAY PER VIEW COORDINATOR. That means that I can involve myself in any match, in any way, to ensure a fair playing field. And guess what? My contract supersedes yours, so suck on that Slappy!

 

Hi Puerto. (The Puerto Rican has come to the ring)

 

Leon. Puerto. I don't give a flying piece of shit what's going on between you too. At Anglemania, I am stepping back, and I won't be involved. But I need for you two to realize, that yes, we're on the same side of a MUCH bigger confliction. Shake his damn hand P.

 

(Puerto looks at Leon in Disgust)

 

SHAKE HIS GOD DAMN HAND! You want my help tonight or not?

 

(Puerto is shocked at Joseph's outburst. He steps back, then steps once to Leon, and puts out his hand).

 

Leon...shake his hand.

 

(Leon looks over SJ, and PR, and motions SJ to back up. He does, and Leon steps forward once and loosely shakes PR's hand quickly, then wiping it on his pants).

 

Stephen Joseph

That's more like it. The Originals together again. Zackie baby, until you get your ass here, on your behalf, I'd like to finish with this thought:

 

You Upstarts think you can destroy what we built for 5 long years? You want to take our baby away. Well come hell or high water, we gonna get you. Peter Knight, Axel, Hoff, Christian Jabroni, you wanna Fuck US? Well FUCK YOU!

 

Joseph leaves the ring, leaving the others a bit stunned.

 

COLE

So....I guess he's back with the Originals?

 

COACH

Sure looks that way. Like they needed another pathetic loser in their ranks anyway.

 

COLE

Back with more in a bit.

 

Commercial break

[KingPK 0]

God of Thunder hits and Thunderkid makes his way to the ring with a determined look on his face.

 

COLE

And here comes Thunderkid, with a determined look on his face!

 

COACH

PLAGIARISM~!

 

BUFFER

The following contest is scheduled for one fall! Approaching the ring, from Green Bay, Wisconsin, weighing in at 255 pounds...THUNDERKID!!!!!

 

TK slides into the ring.

 

BUFFER

And his opponent, already in the ring, from Jacksonville, Florida, weighing in at 233 pounds...MARK JACOBS!!!!!

 

*DING DING DING*

 

TK and Jacobs circle the ring, and TK ducks a tieup and hits a knee to the gut. TK then picks up Jacobs in a PRESS SLAM~! and drops him flat on his stomach!

 

COLE

And there's the power of TK!

 

CABOOSE

And it looks like he's going to make short work of this guy, Cole!

 

TK whips Jacobs hard into a corner, and catches him with an overhead belly-to-belly! TK then waits on Jacobs to get up, and delivers a bicycle kick! TK picks Jacobs up and whips him into the ropes, but puts his head down, and Jacobs drops down and delivers a short uppercut, stunning TK! Jacobs then goes to the ropes and tries a shoulder block, but Jacobs himself goes down!

 

COACH

Well, that was a mistake by Mark Jacobs, he had TK dazed, he's got to use some quick moves instead of trying for a shoulderblock!

 

TK delivers a fallaway slam, then signals for the end, before picking up Jacobs and drilling him with the THUNDERBOLT DDT~!!!!!11111

 

1...

 

 

2...

 

 

3!!!

 

*DING DING DING*

 

BUFFER

Here is your winner...THUNDERKID!!!!!

 

COLE

Great bounceback for TK after what happened two weeks ago, and Tony's got him at the podium, so let's go there!

 

*camera pans to podium*

 

TONY

All right, thank you Michael Cole, and I am standing here with Thunderkid, very impressive showing out there tonight.

 

TK

That's right, Tony...you know, ever since the year 2006 began, people behind the scenes have been telling me I've got all the talent in the world, but that I need to get more aggressive. I thought I was listening to their advice, but just now, in that match, I realize that I haven't been "getting it" over the last couple of months. The way Reject has been acting towards me...I didn't need to take any of that, but I did. But that's not my concern anymore, Tony.

 

TONY

So you were sending a message tonight to Reject, perhaps?

 

TK

That's exactly right! I sent a physical message, and now, Reject, here's your verbal message. I want you, in the ring, one-on-one, at AngleMania V in Atlantic City! And should you accept that challenge, Reject, you should also keep in mind what I just showed tonight, that I'm done playing Mr. Nice Guy with you, or with anyone! And at AngleMania V, the Mega Powers may not be there, but you can be damn sure there's going to be an explosion!

 

*crowd cheers as TK walks off the podium*

 

TONY

Strong words from a strong man, Thunderkid, as he has layed out a challenge to his former tag team partner!

 

Right Now... an AngleMania Moment!

 

Alix staggers to her feet and Northstar is right on her case! Northstar puts her into position for the HOLLYWOOD HOMICIDE (play of the day)! The crowd boo's louder then they have all match as Northstar sets up for his finisher! THE MOVE IS COUNTERED! Alix uses Northstar's leg to flip him over backwards! NORTHSTAR LANDS ON HIS FEET! Alix leaps into the air and wraps her legs around his hips in a wheelbarrow position! She tries to come down with a bulldog, but Northstar throws her off! With Alix's back to him, Northstar charges with a shoulder block! Alix looks over her shoulder at the last minute, see's Northstar coming and SIDESTEPS Northstar's charge! KRWAAANG! Northstar's shoulder HITS THE EXPOSED STEEL POST! Northstar staggers backwards and Alix nails him with THE DIVORCE~! (single arm DDT!) to his hurt shoulder! THE CROWD POPS LIKE NEVER BEFORE!

 

Alix drapes her arm across Northstar's body and goes for the pin fall!

 

CROWD

1

 

CROWD

2

 

CROWD

3!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

The arena FUCKING EXPLODES~! with cheers after Jenna's hand hits the mat for that elusive three count! The fans' cheers almost drown out "One Call Away".

 

COACH (leaping into the air to celebrate)

SHE DID IT!

 

RIGHT NOW,

C’mon, it’s everything

RIGHT NOW,

Catch a magic moment, do it

Right here and now

It means everything

 

 

THE ONLY MANIA WORTH WATCHING!

 

Sunday, April 2nd

Live! Only on Pay-Per-View

 

GENE

We're now just 16 days away from all the glitz, all the glamour of the biggest night in professional wrestling, AngleMania V. In one of the most anticipated title bouts in recent memory, the winners of the 2006 Anderson Cup, the Heavenly Rockers, will challenge the New New Midnight Express for the World tag team championship. It was just one week ago on this very program, in one of the most disgusting displays I have ever seen, that "Sarcastic" Simon Singleton and "Narcissistic" Ned Blanchard crashed the house of Holly-Wood, the Heavenly Rockers publicist and girlfriend of Logan Mann. A lot of rumor and innuendo flying around about what went on after the tape shown last week ended. Some say "The Handsome Hustler" conquered Holly-Wood, while others believe it was all a ruse, a ploy to get inside the minds of Synth and Logan weeks before the biggest match of their careers at AngleMania. I'm going to get to the bottom of this right here, right now, as I bring in the OAOAST World tag team champions, Simon Singleton and Ned Blanchard. Gentlemen, come on in. You have lots of ex...

 

Gene does a double take as Simon wheels in a wheelchair-bound Ned Blanchard, who is also sporting a neckbrace.

 

GENE

Wait just a minute. Ned Blanchard, you look like you've just been in a car wreck.

 

SIMON

You gotta excuse my partner, Gene. Quite honestly, it hasn't been a good week for us. Jimmy is out with a sore throat and Ned...well, as you can see, he had quite the workout last week.

 

NED

Holly was...oh-aw-ag-O-nyyyy, ag-O-nyyyy...an animal. She took her... oooh, it hurts to talk. It hurts to talk.

 

SIMON

(comforting voice)

Take your time. Just take your time, buddy.

 

NED

(groans)

She took her sexual frustration with Logan out on me. The mind was willing, but the body...ugh... the body could only handle so much. Awww, hell...!

 

Ned sits up, flips over the wheelchair and flicks his neckbrace toward the camera.

 

SIMON

It's a miracle!

 

NED

It was the greatest experience of her life, not to mention my finest conquest. I said I was gonna do it, and you bet your bottom dollar, son, I did it! Holly couldn't get enough of it. Missionary, doggy-style, cowgirl, reverse cowgirl... she gave *69 a whole new meaning. By the way, Logan, the condom broke midway through intercourse, so I'm inside Holly forever, Mann!

(opens up his vest; points to chest)

But that's not all. Look at this. You see this? That's a HICKEY, Gene! And that's not the only place I have a hickey at. I'd show you the other one, but it's too hot for TV.

 

SIMON

But if you call the hotline tonight...

 

GENE

Give me a break, Singleton.

 

SIMON

Nah, I'm prefer Reeces Pieces over Kit Kat bars.

 

NED

If there's one thing we all know, is if it's too hot for TV that means you're gonna offend a lot of people. And what a firestorm my segment caused last week. Jimmy tells me the phone has been ringing off the hook at J.C.E. headquaters from just about every woman's group known to man -- women who obviously haven't experienced a real man like the Handsome Hustler -- pissing and moaning over a little picture I'd like to call "Holly-Wood Inn." They found time to put down their vibrators to complain over two consenting adults having some foreplay. On the floor, on the bed, we did it just about everywhere. I hear Holly framed the condom I wore and has it hanging over her bed that way she'd never forget the time of her life.

 

SIMON

I'd hate to be the one to follow up Ned. That's like a new actor coming in to take over the lead in a sequel. Chances are, he won't be as good as the original.

 

NED

Ric Flair eat your heart out, pops. You're looking at the new 60-minute man. Ultimately, that's who my actions last week benefitted the most. Logan Mann. You see, life is too short to sit behind a computer and write fanfiction. I turn fantasties into realities. I said I was gonna conquer Holly-Wood, and I did just that. I wanted to add her to the list of many who have experienced the sexecution only I can offer. Instead of bashing me, you should be praising Holly-Wood. Look at what she did for love. Who was that fat guy who sang the song which had a lyric that said "I would do anything for love..."? Meaty-Boy? The Hamburgler?

 

SIMON

I think his name was Pork Chop.

 

NED

Whatever that slob's name was, the whole damn world saw Holly would -- no pun intended, but a great pun nonetheless -- do anything for love. You talk about taking one for the team. The fact she was willing to get with Ned to protect her precious Mann proved to me once and for all, I could never win her heart. But it wasn't her heart I wanted in the first place. I killed two birds with one dick last week. I stuck it to the Mann, then I stuck it in the whore!

 

GENE

You know, gentlemen, I've heard a lot about you two, especially you, Ned. I didn't want to judge either one of you until I met you in person. But you are everything they say you are...

 

NED

We look even hotter in person, right?

 

GENE (CONT'D)

...a prick!

 

"YEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!"

 

Ned sneers, his fist cocked.

 

GENE

How can you be so braggidocious?

 

SIMON & NED

 

GENE (CONT'D)

You put a lovely young woman through pure hell. And for what? To humiliating Logan? To gain a slight mental advantage? Because your actions benefitted no one but yourself. That was sexual blackmail. You went way over the line, pal.

 

SIMON

That's pyschological warfare, Mr. Magoo. Ned gave one of the most breath-taking performances you'll ever last week. Hell, that's all we've been doing since regaining the tag titles. EVERYBODY is wanting a piece of the hottest tag team in the world today. We're like an uncontrolable wildfire, blazing through every and anything in our path. We just about single-handedly put The Usual Suspects into witness protection. Then came C.O.D.

 

NED

B-E-A-T!

 

SIMON

The Heavenly Rockers were supposed to be next, but I understand Logan Mann has gone into hiding. Now that I think about, that's even MORE embarrassing! For somebody whose last name is Mann, you sure do act like a BOY, Logan! You're hiding behind a skirt! Or pants in this case. I don't recall ever seeing Holly-Wood wear a skirt. But it's still embarrassing. It's a shame you went into hiding, Logan, because Ned and I were sooooooo looking forward to our match at AngleMania. Now that it's been turned into a handicap match...

 

GENE

HANDICAP MATCH!?

 

SIMON (CONT'D)

...it takes some of the fun away.

 

Simon exits.

 

GENE

Hey, where are you going? What kind of game are you playing, Singleton? What kind of game is he playing, Ned? I haven't heard any official announcement.

 

NED

No game at all. A deal is a deal. Holly got what she wanted and I got what I wanted. I got the better end of the deal, no question about it. I do kinda feel sorry for Synth, though. I mean, the poor guy got thrown under the bus. In exchange for continuing to allow Logan to breathe without the use of a ventilator, Synth's so-called "friends" threw him to the wolves. They threw him to the two men who will go down in history as the greatest tag team of all time. Logan, a couple of weeks ago you said we had done everything but break your spirit.

 

Simon returns carry a GUITAR CASE. He opens it up and pulls out an acoustic guitar with the name "SPIRIT" airbrushed on it.

 

NED

(smirking)

You're right. We didn't break your spirit. We literally took it!

 

SIMON & NED

 

GENE

I got a hunch you gentlemen are in for a wild ride at AngleMania V. Let's go back to Sofa Central.

 

COLE

AngleMania is certainly beginning to take shape as we are just over two weeks from the biggest event on the OAOAST calendar. If you go to AngleMania.com you can watch highlights from past events, vote on your favorite AngleMania match, play AngleMania trivia and enter for your chance to win two ringside seats for the big event on April 2nd.

 

PRL segment

 

Commercial break

[KingPK 0]

We return to find ourselves in General Manager Axel's office. He is very agitated as he holds the telephone receiver to his ear.

 

AXEL

"PPV Coordinator", what the hell is that about, Mr. Watts? (Listens to reply) Well, as the guy who runs this ship around here, I want to tell you that I think what you are doing is absolute crap. Since I took over, ratings are through the roof and I got an AngleMania main event that is selling tickets like hotcakes. How am I supposed to run this show efficiently with you butting into my buisness? (Listens) Yeah, we'll talk about this later all right. (Slams down phone).

 

We hear a knock on the door.

 

AXEL

What?

 

The door opens and a pretty (and pretty frightened after just listening to Axel's tirade) female assistant steps into the office holding a garment bag.

 

ASSISTANT

I g-g-g-got y-y-your dry cleaning Mr. Axel.

 

AXEL

Put it on the chair please.

 

The girl bends over slightly to lay the bag on the chair which allows Axel a brief look at her posterior.

 

AXEL

Thank you, now leave.

 

The girl quickly gets the hell out of Dodge leaving Axel to stare at the bag, his mood now considerably less gloomy as we go back to Sofa Central.

 

COLE

What was that all about?

 

COACH

Hey, anyone can get irritated when they don't have their dry cleaning in time.

 

Colombian Heat profile

 

Colombian Heat vs. Mr. Bouricua

 

OAOAST President Bill Watts is shown sitting in his office. He looks up, and gets out of his seat as Reject walks in, to a tremendous negative reaction from the live crowd.

 

REJECT

You wanted to see me, I hear.

 

WATTS

That's right, Reject. I'm not sure if you're aware of this yet, but your former associate Thunderkid challenged you to a match...

 

REJECT

Yeah, I heard all about it, Cowboy. And I suppose you called me in here to ask if I was going to accept his challenge. Well, you're God damn right I am! Hand me that contract.

 

*Reject signs the contract.*

 

WATTS

You seem confident!

 

REJECT

Always, Cowboy...always.

 

WATTS

Well, good. I hope you're ready, because next week, as a tune-up for AngleMania, you'll be going one-on-one with a guy that both you and TK are very familiar with, that being the #1 contender for the World championship, Alfdogg!

 

*crowd cheers loudly, as Reject's face struggles between a frown and a smirk.*

 

REJECT

I'll be ready.

 

Reject exits as we fade out.

 

Commercial break

[KingPK 0]

Cole: We are back in the 619! Right now we have some footage from just before the show.

 

The camera shows Brock Ausstin walking down the hallway when a fierce battlecry can be heard behind him. Brock turns just in time to be leveled with a clothesline by Otaku! Otaku mounts the fallen champion, landing punch after elbow after punch before the security team finally yanks him off.

 

Otaku: Touch Ayane again and next time you won’t be so lucky!

 

Security pulls Otaku away and the camera goes back to the arena.

 

COLE

Good for him, sticking up for his lady like that.

 

COACH

Yeah, I'm sure Ayane will give him a nice funeral.

 

COLE

Welcome back fans, to this week's edition of HeldDOWN~! Right now we're going to break from the in-ring action for a few minutes, because we have a special guest on hand. Joining us live from Tokyo, Japan, where he is set to defend the HI-YAH Heavyweight Championship this weekend, is the one and only ZACK MALIBU!

 

The imagery on the Angletron draws a pop from the crowd, as Malibu is seated in a comfy-looking chair, clad in a dark grey button down shirt with the HI-YAH Title neatly positioned on a table next to him.

 

MALIBU

Michael, 'Boose, how are you guys?

 

COLE

We're good Zack, how is it over there in...

 

COACH

Excuse me, one second, Cole. Malibu, Jonathan Coachman here. Now don't you think that you made a small error just now by not greeting me along with my colleagues?

 

MALIBU

No.

 

CABOOSE

He's got you there.

 

COLE

Zack, nevermind him. We're glad you're with us tonight, because we want to be clued in as to how it's going on the HI-YAH tour.

 

MALIBU

Oh, things couldn't be better, Michael. I'm getting quite a workout making the rounds with HI-YAH. A few of our guys, James Blonde, Faqu, Foshi, they're all here on the tour too. We're doing what we do best, and I don't think any of the Japanese fans are going home unhappy.

 

COLE

You mentioned James Blonde and Faqu, we know that you were recently paired up with them on the tour?

 

MALIBU

Yeah, HI-YAH booked us in a six man tag earlier in the tour, and we worked pretty well together. I've been on both sides of the ring with those two, and they have really stepped up their game. Big things are in store for them, mark my words.

 

COLE

We also understand that you're...one second Zack, I'm getting word in the headset...really? OK, can we do a split screen? OK...OK Zack, Zack are you still there?

 

MALIBU

Still here, Michael.

 

COLE

Zack, and folks watching at home, joining us now, and Zack let us know if you can hear him, is OAOAST Corporate rep "Cowboy" Bill Watts! "Cowboy", always good to have you on HeldDOWN~!

 

*The screen splits, and now the veteran Watts appears on the broadcast, speaking to us from his office*

 

WATTS

Guys, I hear you loud and clear. Zack?

 

MALIBU

I hear you, Cowboy. Why do I get the feeling I'm about to have some type of surprise sprung on me?

 

WATTS

Haha, well don't get too conceited, Zack, because it's not just a surprise for you. However, given your location right now, it's somewhat appropriate. It'll save the company some money as far as long distance bills.

 

COACH

Cheapskates.

 

WATTS

What was that, Coachman?

 

COACH

Uh, I bought a pair of cheap skates, y'know, for...ice...hockey.

 

WATTS

That was the worst coverup in the history of life. Now, back to the matter at hand. I have an announcement to make concerning both the OAOAST and HI-YAH, and it pertains to our upcoming extravaganza, Anglemania V.

 

COLE

Sounds like a blockbuster announcement, Cowboy!

 

WATTS

You're not far off from the truth, Michael. Now how this involves you, Zack, is because this match is a first for the company. We know that Axel made sure that you filled the HI-YAH dates in an effort to push you away from the Anglemania scene. However, winning the HI-YAH belt was one of the best things you could have done to cement a spot at the biggest show of the year. The officials at HI-YAH, along with myself and several other OAOAST staff, have decided that at Anglemania V, superstars from both promotions will take part in a match that we've dubbed "Two For The Money"!

 

MALIBU

OK, Watts, it's got my attention, but you've gotta go into detail for me.

 

COLE

Yes, and for us too!

 

WATTS

Well, that's easy enough. "Two For The Money" is going to be a match contest for not just one, but two prizes. Not only will Zack have to defend his HI-YAH Heavyweight Title in that match, but on the line as well will be a contract, valid for one year, that the winner of "Two For The Money" can use at anytime to challenge the OAOAST World Champion, whomever it may be, wherever it may be!

 

COLE

WOW! Zack, what do you think about that?

 

MALIBU

You know me, Michael, I love a good challenge. Who else is in the match?

 

WATTS

Well, you'll be joined not only by five other men in that contest Zack, but by as many ladders as possible, because both of those prizes will be hanging above the ring!

 

CABOOSE

A six-man ladder match, for a title shot AND the HI-YAH Championship? The company has really outdone themselves this time!

 

WATTS

Don't give all the credit to us, Caboose, because our friends at HI-YAH had just as much to do with it. As for participants, you know my credo, Zack...I try to stay out of affairs as much as possible and not show much, if any, bias. So joining you in this match will be several of the so-called Upstarts, notably Johnny Jax, Scotty Static, and Jamie O'Hara!

 

COACH

Upstarts represent! The greatest tag team in the world and the hottest rookie on the scene? Who else you got, Billy-boy?

 

WATTS

What did you call me?

 

COACH

I mean, uh, Mr. Watts, sir.

 

WATTS

Well, the other two men were actually previously mentioned by Zack earlier in his interview...we feel that both James Blonde and Faqu have established themselves as viable commodities to both companies, and seeing as how they're most recent OAOAST match saw them defeat the Global Party Exchange, we feel it's only fair to include them in the contest as well!

 

COLE

Sounds fair to me!

 

WATTS

Zack, it's a daunting task, and I hope you're up for the challenge. Six men, an exciting blend of styles, and the unpredicability of the stipulation, it's just another piece of the Anglemania puzzle that could make this years installment the best ever.

 

CABOOSE

No doubt about it.

 

COLE

Truly an unexpected, yet an amazing announcement! Zack, Cowboy, we thanks you both for joining us tonight, and Zack, we look forward to seeing you back around in time for Anglemania!

 

MALIBU

Likewise, Michael.

 

WATTS

Good luck, Zack. You do us proud over there, you hear?

 

MALIBU

Will do, sir!

 

CABOOSE

Goodnight, gentlemen!

 

*the feed cuts, and the Angletron goes back to simply flashing the OAOAST logo*

 

COLE

What an announcement...what a match in store for Anglemania! First time ever "Two For The Money", with Zack's championship and a shot at the OAOAST World Title as the prize!

 

COACHMAN

This is, I mean...no one ran this by us! No one asked if it was OK to put Peter Knight's championship reign in jeopardy! I mean...

 

CABOOSE

Last time I checked, Watts doesn't need to run anything by you, Axel, Peter Knight, or anybody else on the active roster. That's why these decisions get passed down. As for your friend Knight, well, let's just say that if Alfdogg doesn't unseat him come the 2nd of April, he could find himself sixteen pounds lighter after one of those six guys gets their chance to challenge him. Just think Coach, it might even be one of your boys doing it!

 

COACH

Oooooh this is not good, not good...

 

COLE

Folks, while Coach fights off the urge to vomit on our desk, we're gonna go to a commercial to spare you the visual, and bring you a word from our sponsors!

 

 

The only manboobs you will see flabbing are your own

 

The camera switches to the back , where HOFF~! is chatting on his cell phone in the garage area.

 

HOFF

Yeah, I'll get to that. No worries.

 

(Stephen Joseph steps into view, sipping on a Guinness!)

 

HOFF

Call you back

 

Stephen Joseph

You do that. Hey buddy. I just wanted to say thank you

 

(Hoff is taken aback, expecting a fight)

 

HOFF

Why?

 

Stephen Joseph

You saved my career. You dropped your ball, left in a poo poo fit, and all of a sudden, ole SJ was world champ, and now the people just LURVE me! Ain't that the shit. Here I was doing everything to position myself to win the title, which you all hated. And voila~! you, YOU, were responsible for my title reign

 

Ain't karma a bitch?

 

(Stephen Joseph laughs a bit and walks off)

 

Commercial break

[KingPK 0]

PRL segment about Leon Rodez

 

*STAR WIPE* (Because I can't think of a better segue)

 

Well woman the way the time cold I wanna be keepin' you warm

Twelve female dancers clad in costumed maid outfits are positioned on the entrance stage, six on each side of the door. The house lights morph from a sea green, to a darkened orange. The remarkably attractive dancers begin writhing their bodies to the bumping testament of Sean Paul's Temperature. The doors pull apart, showcasing teen idols, Marvin and Melvin Nerdly! This appearance of the alluring hunks scores a chorus of ear splitting screams from every woman in attendance! Cheers echo around the Sk8er Boiz, as they rhythmically bump n grind with the bevy of scantily clad dancers.

 

BUFFER

The following contest is for one fall and it is a fatal four way match! Introducing first from Laguna Beach, California VIA Edmonton, Alberta, Canada, they are former tag team champions, and Teen People's sexiest tag team .....The Marv, Hell Mel.......THE SK8ER BOIIIIZZZZZZZZ!

 

COLE

You heard what Buffer said, we have a four way tag match on tap for you tonight! The Sk8r Boiz went to Axel and demanded a match with Christian Wright and Bohemoth after what they did to Krista and Alix last week. But while the Boiz were in the office Mackenzie DeCenzo of NRG and the Lone Star Gunslingers busted in and began to complain about a lack of opportunities in the fed. Thus Axel decided to satisfy all their desires by making this four way match. The Boiz can get their hands on Wright and Bo and NRG and The Gunslingers have a chance to shine.

 

COACH

Here's a burning question, where was Leon Rodez when his old enemies Wright and Bohemoth were trying to lop his girl's hair off? Huh? Like I've always said, that kid is a chump.

 

A wave of shrieking girls gives the OAOAST's understaffed security force quite the workout, as they press up against the steel guardrail, each praying that they might be the one who can get their hands on the tanned skin of these beautiful Adonises. Mel, attired in dangerously low rise destroyed white jeans, strolls down the left side of the ramp, whipping the women into a frenzy with cute winks and sexy smiles. Dressed in similar pants, and a Mink fur coat, Marv cockily struts down the right side. He gingerly teases and taunts his worshiping fans, by opening his coat to reveal a hint of his glistening washboard abs, only to cruelly slam it shut the moment the girls go wild for the peek afforded them. Interesting, a cute woman with short blond hair, in worn out jeans and even more worn out Grateful Dead t-shirt, gingerly sits herself down at sofa central. The Boiz nod to their previously unnoticed valet, making her presence one that draws the curiosity of the fans.

 

COLE

Uh, excuse me, miss...

 

COACH

Shut up, Cole! There's a hot chick sitting next to me and I'm finally gonna score! Kick ass!

 

COLE

Please ignore him. He lives a lonely life. If you don't mind me asking, who are you?

 

WOMAN

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm new to this televised wrestling deal. Name's Melody Nerdly.

 

COACH

Ch-ch-check out my Melody indeed! Dayum!

 

COLE

Johnathan, don't make Caboose get out his bat. You're related to the twins?

 

MELODY NERDLY

Bingo, gringo. Nothing gets past you, I see. I'm their sister. Three years older and hundreds of years wiser. Check it out. I'm psychic. The next question on your mind is what is this strange Canadian doing out here? Am I right? You shouldn't call people strange. It's not nice. But I've come to the OAOAST to make sure my baby brothers aren't getting into trouble. I've gotta do my duty as a big sister and watch out for these guys. Plus these events are catered. That is too awesome. Food galore. With no mold. This gig sure beats sleeping on my pot-head ex-boyfriend's couch and eating six week old fudge brownies for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

 

CABOOSE

If you don't mind me saying, you look very normal for a Nerdly. I heard that with the exception of the new Marv and Mel, they were all..

 

MELODY

Dorks? Geeks? Nerds? Lames? Squares? All true. I got kicked out when I was seventeen. Lucky me or else I'd be at home popping the popcorn for the Nerdly's family weekly Futurama marathon.

 

The arena becomes cloaked in an unending darkness, save for one ominous spotlight resting on the entrance stage. The anthemic sounds that characterize the intro of Slither come ripping through the speakers, pumping the entire venue full of adrenaline. Boo's come seeping down from every corner of the stadium as the doors pull apart to reveal the team of Christian Wright and Bohemoth! Wright stops underneath the harsh glare of the spotlight, letting the enormity of the spectators hatred and loathing bath him in a raging sea of negativity. When the song kicks up it's frantic tempo, he flips the hood of his robe backwards, showcasing his snarling visage to the world he despises so much. Bo, with black shorts with a green b on each side, stands next to him twitching his muscles, ready for action.

 

BUFFER

Introducing the second team...first from Raleigh, North Carolina, weighing in at two hundred and thirty three pounds he is the 2005 OAOAST rookie of the year...CHRIISSTIIIAAAAAAN WRIIIIIGHTTTT! And his partner from Greenville, South Carolina, weighing in at two hundred and eighty four pounds.....BOOHEMOOOOOOTH!

 

Wright throws his robe off entirely, leaving him cloaked in baggy blue cargo pants with a crucifix motif strolling down the left leg. He sinks down to his knees, and stares up to the heavens above as his song continues to turmoil throughout the venue. Bo merely cracks his knuckles, an intimidating sight on it's own.

 

MELODY

Christian Wright? A guy named after a religion has to have some serious issues. But who am I to talk? My last name is Nerdly and my first name is a musical element.

 

The house lights morph into a spooky darkness, as the arena is given light only by a humming green buzz shining around the entrance stage. The electronic prelude of Gavin Rossdale's ode to testosterone Adrenaline is heard loud and clear over the state of the art system. Those in the crowd that recognize the music bring a group of jeers and taunts to the arena air. The black entrance doors marked by the OAOAST logo strewn across the front rip apart, and give birth to a massive litter of catcalls from the audience who are none too pleased to see NRG. Biff Atlas, sporting a black cowboy hat , and crimson trunks, enters first, sneering at the disrespecting crowd. Mackenzie DeCenzo, showing off her splendid figure in hip hugging mini skirt and a two sizes to small yellow tank top, emerges next, snobbishly holding her head high. Finally Flex Phillips, leader of this ragtag bunch, saunters out, wearing bold yellow tights with the letters NRG etched across the back. The trio join hands and foist their arms into the air as a series of blue pyro missiles explode around them and the crowd's disgust reaches it's greatest height.

 

BUFFER

Now making their way to the ring, accompanied by Mackenzie DeCenzo, first from Venice Beach, California, weighing in at two hundred and fifty seven pounds, he is the crown prince of hair care, BIFF “SHAMPOOOOO” ATLASSSS! And his partner from Fort Lauderdale, Florida, he has the body of a Mr.Olympia, and the mind of an Oxford scholar, weighing in at two hundred and ninety five pounds, he is FLEX PHILLLIPSSSSS! Together they are...Nutritions Real Gurus......N..R....GEEEEEEEEEEEE!

 

COLE

NRG still looking for their first victory here in the OAOAST. I don't know about Biff and Flex, but the futility happens to be driving Mackenzie mad. And as well all know NRG has had their issues in the past with the Sk8er Boiz. Melvin and Marvin knocked them out of the first round in the Anderson Cup.

 

MELODY

NRG protein shakes cause cancer.

 

COACH

Really?

 

MELODY

No I made that up.

 

The trio struts down to squared circle, certain that tonight will be the night they have their hands raised in victory for the first time here in the OAOAST. Biff tentatively gets into the ring, unwilling to take his eyes off his current foes. Flex is more vociferous, announcing his arrival to his competition, informing them that they have no chance against his dominating skills. Mackenize situates herself outside, ignoring the hooting and hollering from the horny drunks in the front row.

 

The stirring sounds of Ennio Morricone's The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly enter the attentive ears of the viewing audience. As the imaginative instrumentation beats it's steady war cry, the entrance doors open to reveal rookie sensations, The Lonestar Gunslingers. Outfitted in matching white trunks with burnt orange kneepads, the duo walks to the ring with little in the way of preamble or showmanship. Only Baron seems to stand out, with his off white jacket with the state of Texas delicately embroidered on the back. Jock carries a lasso, while Baron clings to a branding iron. I'm not so sure I wanna know what they plan on doing with those two items!

 

BUFFER

Now making their way to the ring from the Lone Star state, Jock Mulligan, Baron Windels...THE LONE STAR GUNSLINGERS!

 

Buffer's announcement is exclamated by a fine pop from those women who like their men to come on the wild side. The hunky roughriders hit the ring, where the rest of their testy competitors await.

 

CABOOSE

These two are all business in the way they operate. And they've already picked up upset victories in the Anderson Cup over Black T as well as Christian Wright and Bohemoth. I'm sure Wright and Bo have not forgot about that.

 

Elderly referee Clem Buzzlefoxer scurries about the ring as fast as decrepit old legs will carry him, trying to create some semblance of order so that the match may get underway. However the eight warriors seem more inclined to engage in macho posturing then an athletic competition. Marv and Christian stand nose to nose, fuming furiously, each hitting the other with a plethora of vulgarities. Bo and Melvin do the same, Mel's fist cocked, just waiting for Bo to give him a good reason to knock his lights out. NRG and The Gunslingers have their own verbal spat, Flex very animated, dancing across the squared circle like a hyena on speed, begging someone to take a swing at him. Biff seems to be the calmest of a hot headed group, and ushers his hyperactive ally out the ring. The Gunslingers leave as well, never taking their eyes off Flex who's cussing like my mom did when my sister told her she was a lesbian. Melvin and Marvin peel out of the ring, figuring they're chance to deal with CW and Bo will come soon enough. Wright exits simply because he doesn't feel like do any actual work. That leaves Bo to start the contest with fellow big man Flex. The bell is rung and we are finally underway.

 

DING DING DING

 

The fans murmur with anticipation for what should be an epic showdown between these walking giants. Flex stretches his impressive muscles as he sizes up Bohemoth with a disregarding sneer. He casually steps forward for a common lockup, but Bo will have none of that basic hold and plants a boot into Phillips' midsection. The native of Fort Lauderdale doubles over in pain, leaving his dome wide open to a solid left hook from Bohemoth. The shot dizzies Biff and makes him easy pickings for an Irish Whip. As Flex bounces off he collects his bearings quick enough to effort a lariat Bo's way. However Bo ducks underneath it, and the cameras pickup a whoosh sound as a result of Flex's miss. Put off balance by his “swing and a miss”, Flex clumsily turns around where the Meterosexual monster awaits with a knife edge chop. That one single attack gives birth to a huge welt on Flex's coffee colored skin. Flex winces in understandable agony, leading Bo to gleefully decide to dump a little salt onto his wounds. He stretches out to his full six feet eight inches and flexes DA MOTHER FUCKING GUNZ, YOU PUNK ASS BITCHES, taunting the former body building great. Those fans who aren't turned on by “bears” boo Bo's bit of showboating.

 

“BO SUCKS! BO SUCKS!”

 

Bo's innocent non verbal insult has Flex seeing red. With hatred that's hotter then Kate Beckinsale in a bikini, Flex horsewhips Bo with the most vile chop he can muster! SMAAACK! The damage of the move is severe, ripping away at Bohemoth's tanned skin, leaving droplets of blood in it's place and pushing the monster back several inches. Sporting an arrogant grin, Phillips saunters towards Bo, getting right in his face so that the Upstart can have a madness inducing look at his MOTHER FUCKING GUNZ, YOU BITCH MADE ASS FAGGOTS!

 

“OOOOOOH” goes the crowd, responding to the homoerotic game of oneupsmanship. Mackenize on the other hand is more concerned with the game of Tetris on her cellphone then what's going on the ring.

 

Bo reacts as if Flex just kicked his dog, putting a crazed look of indignation on his face, and frothing at the mouth. He stabs Phillips in the stomach with a terrific side kick, then grabs hold of his wrists so that he can hurl him to the ropes. But Flex has enough wrestling know how to shift his weight and reverse the simple move. Bohemoth hits the ropes, unsure of what to do on his return. Problematically Flex isn't nearly as indecisive. He ducks, takes hold of Bo's tree trunk sized leg, then hurls him straight into the air, only to jerk him back down to the canvas with a flap jack! Unable to properly prepare for the move, Bo takes a cringe worthy nose first landing, that has the crowd shuddering and the Boiz laughing like drunkards. As his horrible collision replays in a tiny box at the lower left corner of the screen, Bothemoth clutches his nose, checking to see if the damned thing isn't broken.

 

COLE

So, are all of your real last names Nerdly?

 

MELODY

Unfortunately. We had such a terrible time of it! Our poor eldest brother Maurice was constantly being given wedgies, stink eyes, having his underwear hung on the flag poles.

 

CABOOSE

Kids can be so cruel.

 

MELODY

Kids? This was happening when he worked for Microsoft!

 

Flex takes a hold of Bo's arm, and pulls him upright, making sure to soften him up with back elbows as he does so. He attempts an irish whip to the Slingers' corner, but the sizable strength of Bo overpowers him into a reversal. Flex slams into the corner, but takes the brunt of the impact with his booty, meaning he's not quite as injured as Bo, who's bulling towards him with a body splash, would like to believe. The Upstart soon finds out that his foe is as right as rain when Flex drops down and disrupts his charge with a drop toe hold. Bohemoth, again unable to prepare a defense, has an unprotected face first meeting with the pads. This grotesque attack has a terrible aftermatch on his nose, which now looks about as normal and healthy as a dead skunk on the side of a Missouri road. While Buzzlefoxer inquires about Bo's less then optimal health, Flex tags in the cowboy stud muffin, Jock Mulligan.

 

COLE

From their previous outings it looks like The Gunslingers have a bright future here in the OAOAST. But if that doesn't work out they sure have a bright future in my bedroom! Ride me, cowboy!

 

MELODY

WTF?

 

Jock agilely leaps over the ropes, ready to finally make a name for his tag team here in the OAOAST. But Bo, who's temper has reached the point of no return, thinks Jock's name would look better on a tombstone as opposed to a marquee. Thus he lights the Texan up with a succession of knife edge chops, each one drawing the requisite whoo's from the audience. The fifth and final chop lands with such amazing ferocity that it knocks Mulligan flat on his back, and has the heartthrob seeing swirling stars above his head. Thanks to his rival's prone state, Bo is allowed to make an unhindered tag to the permanently unhinged, Biff “Shampoo” Atlas.

 

COLE

How has the rest of your family taken Marvin and Melvin's sudden change of personality?

 

MELODY

Not too well actually. A whole bunch of forgetting where you came from, thinking you're too good for your roots, the usual coming of age, breaking the mold bullshit. The annual Nerdly family Yu-Gi-Oh tournament sure wasn't as lively without Mel and Marv around.

 

Biff's arrival into the match is greeted with the sound of half the audience leaving to go to the concession stands. Atlas is promptly seized upon by a now recovered Mulligan. Jock dazes the Venice Beach native with a series of stinging jabs to the cheek, then puts his dizzied foe on the run with an Irish whip. The cables bounce Biff back, and he has a lariat waiting with Jock's name on it. But all the planning in his head is for naught, as Jock simply lowers his lanky body and slices Biff like a pizza cutter with a beautiful standing spear! Upon plummeting to the mat Atlas instantly curls up into a ball, nursing his badly wounded midsection, and pleading for Mackenzie to come rescue him. A highly annoyed Mackie screams out a wealth of instructions, none of which translate into Biff doing anything more then sucking his thumb and crying like an unwashed baby.

 

MELDOY

I get it. He's doing a Linus from Peanuts gimmick. Linus always sucked his thumb and had that blanket. But Biff's only crying not because he's hurt, but because he doesn't have his blanket.

 

Still smarting from that unexpected spear, a crying Biff stands up, his lack of equilibrium stumbling him backwards. Jock stalks him to the edge of the ring and catches him with an Irish whip that sends him to the other side of the battleground near the Sk8er Boiz corner. Biff never thought he'd think this, but he thanks god for the Nerdly twins' presence, as they give him an easy way out of the match. He slaps Marvin across the face, a rather rude tag, then hauls ass out of the ring as fast as humanely possible. The front row fans give him an earful for his blatant display of cowardice. He responds by brazenly threatening to “smoke all yer asses”. But when a fan, an eight year old girl in a Tony Brannigan basketball jersey, takes him up on his offer he cowers in legitimate fear that is both laughable and depressing at the same time. Elsewhere Mackie is tearing her hair out due to the frustration these idiots she's been forced to manage are causing her.

 

MELODY

Hey, you boys wanna hear a joke?

 

CABOOSE

Sure!

 

MELODY

So do I. (awkward silence) That's the joke, that there is no joke! Hhahahaahha! Funny, eh.

 

CABOOSE

That joke was terrible. If you change your name to something that starts with a C you'll fit right in here.

 

Back in the ring, Marvin's entrance into the battle evokes a breathtaking amount of cheers from the rabid teenage girls in the stands. The twin milks the pop for all it's worth, fluffing his long brown hair, making the blond highlights dance under the shimmering arena lights. Perhaps feeling a little jealous that Marvin has the hotties wrapped around his little finger, Jock dashes to him with a Stan Hansen worthy lariat. Unfortunately he doesn't have a Hansen worthy connection as the Boi ducks the attack. Yet the avoidance doesn't deter Mulligan. It merely makes him more determined to knock his enemy back into the ice age and he spins around with a discus punch. Unfortunately Marvin, with his cat like agility, draws first blood, nailing him with a majestic flipping dropkick. Mulligan hits the mat with a resounding thud, his head violently snapping off it like a basketball. But no one seems to be paying his aggravation much attention. Everyone's eyes are focused on Marvin, who's running his hands along his sexy abs, whipping the females (and a lot of the males) into an orgasmic ecstasy.

 

“SK8 OR DIE! SK8 OR DIE!”

 

Jock is on his feet, and is now simmering with hatred for the popular babyface. He leans into Nerdly with a straight left cross that Marvin takes in stride, firing off a right hook of his own in response. Unfazed by the punch, Jock returns fire with a forearm. The strike pushes Marv back several inches and leaves him stunned for a precious few seconds. But these few seconds are all Mulligan needs to snag Nerdly into a tightly held front facelock. He drops backwards and mashes the Sk8r's sexy face into the mat with a DDT. While his foe desperately tries to remember just what city he's in, Jock lays his arm across Marv's sculpted chest for the first pin of the contest.

 

ONE

 

Marvin kicks out and the volume of the arena rises as a result. Figuring that he can let someone else do the work and get a sneak pin later, Jock makes a tag to Christian Wright. The capacity crowd is nuclear with hatred and disgust for the nefarious villain But Wright simply stands on the apron with a conceited smirk, soaking up their venom. Unfortunately for him Marv is itching to score a measure of revenge for his friends in COD. So he makes a beeline to Wright, grabs a hold of the man's thick noir hair, and flings him over the ropes and into the squared circle. While Marv's actions has the blood lusting crowd rejoicing, they set Wright on the rampage. He pops up and pelts the mega hottie with a series of right crosses. Each punch gets a boo from the audience as it lands. Thankfully Marv is able to break up the lopsided slug fest by rifling a thudding knee into his foe's midsection. Holding his stomach with his left arm, Christian groggily stumbles from side to side, in dire need of a barf bag. Marv continues to feed his desire to crush the self-righteous grappler, and grabs his free arm into a half nelson. From there he leaps forward, awkwardly tugging Wright along with him, and smashing him face first into the ring floor with a half nelson face crusher! CW yelps in distress as a sharp pain spreads throughout his mangled face.

 

MELODY

Whoo! Way to go Marv! Just don't pin him. I have money riding on fancy man Wright and the jolly green giant.

 

COLE

You bet against your own brothers?

 

MELODY

They're Nerdlys! We're natural born losers. Supreme failure is our special talent.

 

Marvin puts himself off the ropes, building up great a deal of speed as he races back towards his now standing rival. But Wright's reflexes are up to task of besting Nerdly and he easily catches Marvin upon his arrival in a front waistlock. In one smooth as a baby's behind motion, Wright bridges backwards and launches Marvin through the sky with a belly to belly suplex! SLAM! Marvin's landing is of the disgusting variety, his body shaking the ring to it's core upon impact. With the crowd shooting vulgarities his way, Christian makes them even angrier, showboating with a flashy pendulum elbow drop that hits perfectly on Marvin's rib area. A whimpering Marv is able to roll backwards, creating some distance between he and his adversary, allowing him to slowly rise upright. But CW closes the gap between them with one graceful stride and begins landscaping his chin with stiff forearms. Wright's intention seems to be to bust his meddlesome foe's handsome visage wide open. But when that proves to be more trouble then it's worth he dejectedly moves into a front facelock. From there he foists Nerdly into the sky for a vertical suplex, using the tried and true technique of delaying the move to let the blood rush to Marv's head. But perhaps the moral highground stalls a second too long as Marvin uses his substantial agility to shift himself back down to the mat. Now on his feet, he captures a stunned Wright into a front face lock of his own. “FOR KRISTA!” Marv screams, popping the sell out crowd, before he takes his adversary for a vomit inducing ride with a tornado DDT! THUD! The ghastly sound of Wright's head crunching into the canvas calls forth a spirited round of applause from the fans.

 

CABOOSE

Melody, your brothers have really taking a liking to Krista...

 

MELODY

So have I. Without her exercise videos and Cole's home waxing kit I never would've got a prom date.

 

Wright staggers upright, mumbling obscenities under his breath. His mood is made even worse when Marvin grabs his wrist and attempts to whip him into the Nerdly corner. But the snobbish grappler reverses it and sends Marv into the turnbuckles instead. Utilizing a shoulder tackle, Wright rampages after him like a bull through the streets of Italy. But the hunky fighter simply ascends to the top rope, leaving CW's shoulder to be impaled onto the callous steel of the ringpost! An abhorrent clanking sound echoes throughout the arena, as a distressed Wright screams bloody murder at the top of his lungs.

 

MELODY

Jeez Louise, now I know why the bookie laughed at me when I told him I wanted to bet on pro wrestling. What a goof.

 

“YOU FUCKED UP! YOU FUCKED UP!” chant fans to the 2005 OAOAST rookie of the year.

 

Certain that his shoulder is separated, Wright woozily stumbles around, seeking a tag from anyone who will give it. NRG, The Gunslingers, Bo. He doesn't care, he just wants freedom from the grueling tormentor that is Marvin Nerdly. Marvin is less then sympathetic to CW's plight, and delights in watching him suffer the same affliction he caused Krista and Alix last week. He tries to add more misery to Christian's existence, running towards him and elevating onto his broad shoulders for a hurricanrana. Despite the substantial hurt in his left shoulder, Wright has the strength to catapult the Laguna Beach native backwards. CW's hope is that Marvin will endure a hellish crash with the ringposts. But to his chagrin no such fate befalls the Boi and he lands expertly on the highest pad. To make the situation even more troubling for the 24 year old Wright, Marvin comes ripping back at him with a top rope clothesline! The bomb hits it's mark with faultless accuracy, pushing poor CW to the canvas and to the brink of insanity. While Wright to grouses about his misfortune, Marvin tags in his twin brother Melvin.

 

COLE

We see Melvin coming in, ready to get him some of Christian Wright. I'm sure he wouldn't mind getting his hands on Bo either.

 

The ladies are tickled pink to see Melvin enter the fray. And he doesn't dare disappoint his adoring fanbase, rifling himself into the action with a springboard dropkick! The blow connects solidly with Wright's nose, crumbling him to the mat and drawing forth thick rivets of blood from his nostrils. Mel kips up and arrogantly bows to the clapping fans, while Bo reaches over the ropes senselessly attempting to strangle him. Despite his poor state of health, Wright manages to will himself to his feet where he meets Melvin with three flailing right jabs. The super hottie returns fire with his own round of jabs and soon the two are locked into a full on slugfest. As no one will ever confuse Mel for Riddick Bowe, it isn't long before CW assumes the upper hand in their war. And a clonking elbow smash to the temple garners a victory for Wright. His prize is being allowed to snag his wobbly rival into a front facelock. Knowing full well how slippery these Nerdlys can be, Wright plants Melvin into the mat with a no nonsense snap suplex and immediately floats over for a pinfall.

 

ONE

 

TWO

 

Melvin kicks out right as the ref's hand hits two, generating quite the cheer of approval from the audience. After failing to get the three count on that last pinfall attempt, an exasperated Wright stands upright before his opponent has an opportunity to collect his bearings. Upon measuring Mel and zeroing in on the perfect target to hit, Wright leaps into the air and extends his knee out, dropping it onto the neck of Melvin as he lands! The twin painfully howls into the night sky, leading the worried spectators to clap their hands in unison to rally the babyface. However, Wright is back on his feet and itching to inflict more damage to the Sk8r. He backs into the ropes, and bounces off, once again jumping as he nears Melvin's weakened body. This time he extends his leg out fully and sadistically smashes it across the neck of Nerdly. Melvin clutches his neck in response to the leg drop, convulsing violently on the sweat stained mat. The short lived clapping goes extinct as the fans have lost hope that Melvin can comeback against the OAOAST's moral superior. Fortunately Nerdly will no longer have to deal with the calculating Wright, as Baron Windells has tagged himself in, albeit not without protest from CW. The attractive cowboy tells a complaining Wright to “hit the road”, unwilling to listen to the Upstart's grievance.

 

CABOOSE

The Cowboy Heartthrob Baron Windels, out of Texas, stands six feet seven and is a rock solid two hundred sixty five pounds. He has the look of a future maineventer. Let's see if he has the skills.

 

Melvin stands up, erroneously thinking his beef is still with Christian. So he's more then a little surprised to have this six foot seven rough neck towering above him. Baron takes advantage of his moments shock and shoots him off into the ropes nearest Bohmoeth. Never one to pass up a chance to harm a despised rival, The Meterosexual Monster clubs Melvin on the back with a heat drawing forearm. Knocked tipsy, Melvin staggers forward like a town drunk and leaves himself open to a gorgeous flipping dropkick from his blue collar enemy! Melvin skids down to the mat, and the speedy Baron is right on him with a lateral press.

 

ONE

 

TWO

 

Biff Atlas breaks up the pinfall with a stomp to the nape of Baron's neck. Obviously this greatly displeases the twenty-six year old cowboy, and he directs a nasty glare Biff's way. Struck with fear by that one dirty look, Biff frantically dives through the orange ropes and outside the ring. As the crowd mocks him for his utter lack of bravery and Mackenzie contemplates the virtues of homicide, he curls up into a tiny ball, furiously praying to the good lord above that the mean man won't come and lay a beating on him.

 

MELODY

If this guy can be a wrestler then I can to. I mean I can throw weak punches and crap myself in fear after I see that they have no affect on my much larger and fiercer opponent. Heck, that's a Nerdly family talent that's been passed on through generations of sissies, geeks, girly men, and Nancy boys.

 

Back in the ring with the comparatively normal wrestlers, Baron shrugs off his qualms about the pin and rises to a vertical base. Melvin is soon to follow but gets forearmed in the chest as a result of his tardiness. His eyes water and his breath becomes short when another torrid blow lands on his chest. He totters from side to side, unable to mount a defense against Baron's vivacious brawling assault. Feeling his rival sufficiently weakened, Windels sweeps behind him and hooks him into a back suplex set-up. He hoists him into the sky, lifting him so high you'd swear he could touch the scoreboard. However at the climax of the hold, Melvin deftly slips out of it, landing perfectly on his feet. Baron, unsure of what just happened, spins around only to get flung halfway across the ring with an arm drag!

 

“MEL IS SWELL! MEL IS SWELL!” sings the audience.

 

MELODY

Thank you. Thank you. I love you to.

 

COACH

I think they're talking about your brother. Although ol Coach has got something that's swelling right here.

 

The arm drag actually does more harm then good for Melvin, as it outright infuriates his enemy. Baron stands up and roars back to the Nerdly twin, obliterating him with what might be the fiercest clothesline of the match. As a result Melvin folds up like origami, the life and color all but drained from his face. Windells makes a cover, pressing his forearm into Nerdly's neck to give himself a bit of an advantage.

 

ONE

 

TWO

 

The pin is ended prematurely by a swift boot to back of Baron's shaved head from Flex Phillips. Incensed, Baron's head goes on a swivel, trying to spot the fool who cost him this bout. His query is answered by Flex's vulgarity filled challenges to fight. Unlike his crazy Biff, Flex seems to realize wrestling isn't just about wearing globs of baby oil and tiny little tights that show off your massive wang, it's also about fighting. However Baron refuses to be distracted by Phillips' invitation for a brawl, preferring to keep his focus on winning this bout. He zooms to the ropes nearest Bo and Wright in hopes of rebounding to hit Melvin with an elbow drop. But this plan is thwarted when Big Bo levels him his meaty forearm. Baron reacts as if he just had a piano dropped on his head, sagging to the mat and hollering in unbridled pain. Buzzlefoxer considers the cheap shot to count as a tag and orders Bohemoth into the ring. Bo is more then happy oblige the request, eager to do more damage to the Nerdly twin.

 

COACH

My man! Finally getting back into the thick of things!

 

Bo scoops Melvin up, and after delivering two vile punches to the midsection he whips him to the ropes. Unlike the previous trips to the cables, Mel's journey is uninterrupted and he freely returns to a waiting knee to the stomach from the Upstart. He's taken head over heels, and suffers a cringe worthy neck first landing that has more then a few teenage girls in tears. Bo prepares to really crank up the adolescent water works, as he lifts Melvin up and places him into a standing head scissors. He crosses his arms under his beefy chest and then lifts him up so that he hangs horizontal to the mat. With the fans steady in their stream of hatred for him, Bo sits out and drops her back first to the mat, utilizing the deadly pyramid driver!

 

CABOOSE

I don't think I've ever seen Bohemoth use such a move before!

 

While the searing pain spreads throughout Mel's body, Bo hooks the outside leg for a pin.

 

ONE

 

TWO

 

Melvin kicks out, bringing forth cheers from the capacity crowd! Bohemoth is relentless, however, and once again takes hold of the outside leg for a pin....

 

ONE

 

TWO

 

His pinfall effort is kiboshed by an elbow drop from Jock Mulligan! Jock, remembering what Bo did to his partner just seconds ago, proceeds to downpour spite filled punches on the beast's noggin. It only takes a few seconds before Bo adapts to the attack, and he nonchalantly pitches Mulligan away. But the smoldering Jock is undiscouraged, and reattempts to gain revenge for his unit! However Buzzlefoxer quickly steps between him, as much to preserve order as to preserve the rookie's health.

 

COLE

Tempers are starting to boil over here on OAOAST HeldDOWN. Folks, let me remind you that Anglemania is just weeks away. And with your purchase you can get a free Krista Isadora Duncan bobble head doll.

 

Thank you for that shill, Mikey! Back in the ring, Bohemoth makes a tag to Christian Wright, the duo seemingly employing a crafty hit and run strategy. Wright smugly meanders into the warzone while the crowd stones him with catcalls and jeers. He dishes out a trifecta of stinging stomps to Mel's noggin, as he arrogantly stares out at the rabid audience. Finished with his stompings, he sinks to his stomach where he's able to easily trap Melvin into a grounded facelock. Melvin instantly feels the horrible affects of this elementary hold, a crippling constriction on his neck and a difficulty in breathing. Five seconds into the move, Buzzlefoxer starts to inquire as to whether Mel wishes to submit or not. Of course Wright, who's turned the move into a subtle chokehold, answers for him, telling the Jurassic zebra that his foe has indeed given up. Marvin, bouncing like a ping-pong ball on the apron, screams for Wright to keep his “trap shut”.

 

COACH

Fellas, being on the mat in a frontface lock is never a good place to be. But when it's the 2005 rookie of the year who's got you in that front facelock then it's an even worse place to be.

 

Marvin leans over the cables, extending his arm as far as it can reach, desperate for a tag from his weary brother. The anxious audience takes up the cause of willing young Melvin to his corner, and chants of his name become their war cry. Elsewhere, Flex stalks across the apron, cussing and hollering like a coked out hobo, directing every insult is vulgar mind can think of at both Melvin and Christian.

 

CABOOSE

Just look at Phillips and the way he talks all that trash and garbage. He's a right cocky one, he is.

 

In spite of the swell of support for his antagonist, Christian is able to quell any resistance, locking the plucky Sk8r down in the center of the ring. Salvation seems so far away for Melvin, as the entirety of his vision is engulfed by the baby oil and sweat drenched body of the former HI-YAH heavyweight champion. Wright squeezes on the hold as tight as the referee's overbearing rules will allow, making an act as simple as breathing a grueling effort for the Laguna Beach native. Knowing that his body can't stomach much more of this misery, Melvin takes up the arduous task of rising to his feet. Despite Wright's best efforts to keep him grounded, he's amazingly able to stand, renewing hope within him and the audience. Sensing that his hold is rapidly deteriorating, Wright switches the position of his left arm, using it to trap Melvin's shoulder. This means the Boi is faced with an uphill battle, now forced to fight back as a one armed man. Desperation and worry lining his face, Melvin tries to counter with a hail mary back drop. But Wright holds his ground, and effortlessly brings Mel back down to his level. He decides he's through with wasting his time with a submission hold, and would rather splatter Marvin's brain matter across the mat with his finisher Converting the sinner. He roughly jerks him into the air, but at the very height of the move the agile wrestler shifts his body free and lands behind Christian!

 

MELODY

Whoo! I mean, wait I still have money riding on this....boooo!

 

Enraged, Wright whirls around to decapitate Melvin with a stiff discus punch. But Nerdly is one step ahead of him, lashing his face with a crowd popping haymaker! As Wright stumbles backwards, wondering how he lost the advantage so quickly, Melvin speeds to the cables. Upon bouncing back he tries to scissor his legs around Wright's waist. While he encounters success in that effort, Wright is easily able to assume control of the exchange by gripping onto Mel's legs and flipping him out into a waistlock. He then tries his damnedest to launch Melvin into the stratosphere with a German Suplex! However the Boi beautifully back flips his way out of disaster! Wright can't believe the audacity of this youngster and is beside himself with rage. Guided by his anger and not his superior intellect, he blindly charges Melvin only to eat an enziguri for his folly! The crowd roars their approval for Melvin's deadly maneuver.

 

MELODY

You owe me thirty bucks you son of a bitch. Oh no, I just called my own mother a bitch.

 

Wright's had more then his fill of wrestling for one night, and begins a tiresome crawl to make a tag. Instead of heading to his corner, he travels towards The Gunslingers, who appear eager to reenter the battle. Christian is as pleased as punch to grant their requests. Unfortunately they rescind their offer as quickly as they made it, hopping off the apron the second he nears. The spectators root on their sneaky tactic, but Wright is overcome by an extreme forlornness. With a his head held low he treks to the NRG corner and brings Flex Phillips back into the contest. Problematically for NRG's leader, Wright's escapades with the Slingers bought Melvin valuable seconds to head to his team's station. As such he thrusts the audience into a raucous frenzy when he applies a tag to The Marv!

 

“YEAAAAAAAA!”

 

Marv hits the ring, a 5'8 ball of skating and surfing fire! He plows through Phillips with a lariat, then takes out an incoming Wright with a superb spinning wheel kick! The fans are on their feet, boisterously cheering on the brazen gladiator. The Gunslingers are shown no mercy on Marvin's warpath, as he blasts them clear off the apron with wild left hooks. Finally the largest athlete in the OAOAST, Bohemoth, makes his presence felt once again., dashing towards the Nerdly twin with an axe handle smash! But this time Marvin is ready for him, and he crashes his charge to a halt with hate fueled boot to the stomach! Bo is left doubled over and dazed, and The Marv is quick to capitalize on his unenviable situation. He snares his much larger foe into a front ¾ facelock, then sits out, snapping Bo's head off his shoulder with his finisher The G-Spot Jiggy! Bo timbers to the canvas like a redwood through a Northern California forest, holding his head and possibly needing a Tylenol. Marvin hooks Bo's leg for what everyone believes will be a match ending pinfall....

 

CROWD

ONE

 

CROWD

TWO

 

BROKEN UP BY A LEG DROP FROM JOCK MULLIGAN!

 

Marvin stands up and directs quite the virulent glare at the meddling Texan. And Jock soon feels the full wrath of The Marv's venom as Marvin temporarily cripples him with a surprise basement dropkick. This capsizes Jock to his knees and makes him a sitting duck for Nerdly's next cataclysmic move. Marvin runs the ropes to build speed, and rushes back towards his foe. He presses his foot against his knee, using it as a launching pad. From there he takes to the skies and swipes the side of his boot along Jock's face! A grotesque mixture of blood and spit flies out of Jock mouth as he plummets back to mat, his night all but over. Marvin hasn't a second to celebrate the taming of the wild bronco as the vexatious Christian Wright has made his less then triumphant return to the ring. Wright stampedes towards Marvin, ready to decimate him with a shoulder block. Unfortunately he'll being doing no such thing tonight. Just as quickly as Wright reappeared, so does he exit as The Marv sidesteps his attack, grabs onto the back of his head and chucks him out of the squared circle!

 

“WRIGHT SUCKS! WRIGHT SUCKS!”

 

Marvin returns to the mission of slaying the beast known as Bohemoth. However he meets up with a cruel reversal of fortune as Bohemoth flat out demolishes him with a yakuza kick the exact second he turns around. As the crowd lustily boos his attack, Bo realizes he'll now have to deal with the ceaseless onslaught of victory hungry grapplers. His first challenge comes from a Baron Windells' crossbody block. Fortunately it's a challenge easily mastered for the Meterosexual Monster and he catches the six foot seven wrestler squarely in his arms. While Baron becomes wrought with understandable panic, Bo lifts him into a gorilla press position. The carnage thirsty observers holler with anticipation for what terrible fate Baron is about to meet. They certainly aren't let down in the least, as big Bo heaves Baron out of the ring so easily that it's as if the man weighed as much as a blue jay's feather.

 

MELDOY

(singing)

Happy trails to you, until we meeeeeeet agaaaaain.

 

COLE

Baron is down! Holy lord!

 

Similar to Baron, Flex lacks the requisite intelligence to think twice before crossing the beast from the southeast. Phillips launches a strong overhand left that connects with Bo's nose, initiating a flurry of punches from the nutrition guru. However this spurt of offense from Flex is abruptly terminated by right cross from Bo that cracks across his orbital socket. Now Phillips is put on the defensive as Bo applies a tight front waistlock. He bends his knees for leverage as he begins the makings of a belly to belly suplex. However he can't quite acquire a secure grip around Flex's body, thus he executes a standing switch, thinking he'll have more luck with a German Suplex. Phillips attempts to shatter the hold with a fierce elbow to Bo's skull, but the Upstart frees his rival before the move can even connect. He spins an out of kilter Phillips around and nearly drives him through the ring with an earth shaking spine buster! Flex's body is drained of any sort of life and looks broken beyond repair. The audience murmurs in shock at the destruction Bo's one move has imposed on his opponent. Feeling a swell of swaggering pride, Bohemoth rises, and joyously beats his fists against his mighty chest.

 

“YOU SUCK! YOU SUCK! YOU SUCK!”

 

On the outside Mackie slams her hands into the apron in utter disgust. She's at a loss to explain why her charges are such incompetent boobs so lacking in any noticeable talent or ability. Fortunately for her all is not lost! There is still hope alive for her squad. Unfortunately that hope comes in the form of a previously AWOL Biff Atlas. Biff, holding his finger to his mouth to shush the noisy fans, comically creeps up behind Bo. He moves at a speed of an inch an hour, not wanting to draw the giant's attention and subsequent pain that will result. Sadly he didn't move quietly enough because the monster whirls to face him, startling the daylights out of Atlas! Now besieged by a crippling sense of panic, Biff makes an outrageous effort to get Bohemoth to spare his life, offering money, protein drinks, cars, hand jobs, anything! But none of these gaudy offerings will sway The Upstart in his quest for flawless victory. Snarling, he drapes Biff's far arm across his, causing the hysterical and weeping bodybuilder to wet himself out of fright. While the crowd delights in Biff's misfortune, Bo takes him and his piss soaked tights for rollercoasteresque ride with his finisher The Erotic Awakening of Bohemoth.

 

“I WANT MY MOMYYYYY!” Biff screams as she spins through the air!

 

CRUNCH! That would be the awful sound of Atlas' bones being shattered against the rock solid mat. The laughable tears and the grisly look of worry are absent from Biff's face, now replaced by a blank stare as he succumbs to the bleak state of unconsciousness.

 

CABOOSE

Bohemoth making short work out of three very large men! Well, Biff is only five foot nine, so two large men and a large chicken. Melody, you may get your thirty dollars yet.

 

One would think that everything is coming up roses in the land of Bohemoth. Bodies strewn across the ringside area, and no lethal opposition for miles. However the person who thinks that probably doesn't have Melvin Nerdly's fist jammed into their testicles like Bo does. Bohemoth hollers out in anguish as he topples to his side, rendered unable to take advantage of the devastation he's brought. He watches helplessly, paralyzed by testicular torture, as Melvin reaps his reward by pinning Biff. Of course, neither Atlas nor Nerdly are the legal men but who the hell cares? Not Clem Buzzlefoxer because he counts the pin!

 

CROWD

ONE

 

CROWD

TWO

 

CROWD

THREE

 

Buzzlefoxer calls for the bell, as the cheers for pinfall rise in force! Mackenzie, unable to believe what she's just seen, storms up the ramp in a huff, muttering in language that is less then lady like.

 

MELODY

It's over! I'm out thirty bucks, but at least my brother's won. Who's this Bohemoth guy anyway? I bet money on a clown who can't stand a love tap on the nuts? What's up?

 

BUFFER

The winnners.....THE SK8R BOIZ!

 

COLE

Again not the best performance by Bohemoth. The big man has struggled lately and I can bet Axel won't be happy to see him fail once again.

 

The audience's good feelings are short lived, and bad vibrations quickly settle in due to Christian Wright reentering the ring. Taking umbrage both to the way the Boiz won this match and their actions from last week, Wright gets in the face of a celebrating Melvin. The two engage in a heated debate, screaming over the noise of the rowdy fans. Not surprisingly Wright manages to claim victory in this little argument. But not through his vast intellect. Rather he scores a win from a devious sucker punch. Melvin recoils for a second, then springs back with a punch of his own. Now their verbal spat has turned into outright physical warfare! But Melvin is soon overwhelmed when Bohemoth inserts himself into the fracas. Irate over the underhanded low blow, The Upstart's heavy hitter punishes his victim with a devastating spine buster!

 

MELODY

What the hell? Leave my brother alone!

 

The spectators are livid, and understandably so! Marvin makes a valiant effort to rescue his sibling, actually managing to tackle Wright with a spear! As the fans root him on, he rains punch after punch on Wright's face. The only thing the moral highground can do to defend himself, is cover up until Bohemoth yanks the energetic Sk8r off him. Taking a clump of Marv's hair, Bo readies to unleash his second Erotic Awakening of the night. But a gargantuan pop erupts from the stands as the fans spot Chicks Over Dicks, lacrosse sticks in tow (and a bottle of Jack Daniels in Kris' hand), darting down the ramp!

 

COLE

Here comes Alix and Krista!

 

COACH

Look at them bounce! I mean look at them run!

 

Choosing to avoid a conflict with weapon swinging madwomen, Bo and Christian duck out of the ring with their good health intact. They slowly back up the ramp way, trading ice cold stares with their rampageous archrivals.

 

“C-O-D! C-O-D! C-O-D!” bleat the fans. Krista and Alix check on the injured twins, as Melody joins them in the ring. After making certain the Boiz are okay, the girls grab microphones.

 

KRISTA

(to Wright and Bo)

Where ya running to, kiddos? Those boots are made for walking, so have 'em walk ya back to where the party is, right here in the ring! We've got boiz, we've got girls, we've got Jack, we've got cowboys who can double as strippers, we've got lassos, and we've got branding irons, I'm sure we've got drugs, because if you look at the way Biff Atlas acts, you can see he's like a McDonalds Extra Value meal, he comes with the coke.

 

ALIX

We've got everything you need to have a bitching time and attract the attention of various law enforcement agencies. Remember it's not a party unless your mug shot winds up on the smoking gun after it's over! So why don't ya come back so we can have some fun?

 

Wright blows Alix off, dismissing her with a wave of his hand.

 

ALIX

Awww, someone get me a scooper because we've got party poopers! If ya don't wanna boogie-woogie till ya can't boogie-woogie no more, if ya don't wanna party like it's 1999, if ya don't wanna rock out with your cock out and hang out with your wang out, if ya don't wanna do a little dance, make a little love and get down tonight, then hows about we do a lil something else? Hows about we have a match?

 

Wright scoffs at such a silly request.

 

KRISTA

Look, we're gonna have to finish this feud sooner or later. And from what the girls tell us...

 

ALIX

Finishing sooner seems to be Bo's M.O! Heck yes, a gnarly dis and a sick rhyme!Bad Boy, Baby, 2006, please believe it! So what do ya say, Quick Draw McGraw? Oui ou non? Do we have a match, funky monkeys?

 

The audience pops for the potential match, and even Bohemoth seems willing to throw down. However Wright errs on the better side of caution, refusing to accept their challenge.

 

KRISTA

Maybe someone forget to text message me the info, but I swear this must be “gender role reversal week”. Because even though we're the women, you're the ones acting like bitches.

 

“OOOOOOOOH”

 

ALIX

Seriously! Combined you both weigh a gazillion pounds more then us, Bo's nose alone is probably wider then my waistline and Christian's dandruff could equal Krista in body weight. But aside from using us as your final exam for barber college, you avoid us like Krista avoids a sobriety test!

 

KRISTA

Or like Alix avoids intelligent thought! We're not really getting it, Christian. If you're such eager beavers who want to prove how much better you are then us in all aspects of life, then instead of challenging Alix to debates that make Larry the Cable Guy look like highbrow Moliere comedy in comparison, or trying to make us part of your audition for the day shift at SuperCuts, why don't you get into the ring and show us how much better you really are? Unless you're a little scared of us. It's funny, when you can sneak attack us and try to torture us with sharp objects, you're the OAOAST's Moral Highground and The Meterosexual Monster, and you won't let any bimbos like us go unpunished. But when we come to meet you face to face, ready for a fight, you turn into Courage the Cowardly dog and the Lion from Wizard of Oz. As an old Buddhist saying states, there is no such thing as good energy or bad energy, it's only how you perceive it. And right now Alix, I, and eighteen thousand of our closest friends perceive you two to be the biggest pussies on earth!

 

“YEAAAAAAA” screams the crowd while Krista downs a swig of her liquor.

 

ALIX

We tried and tried to think of other ways to get revenge on ya'll, but everything we came up with would've wound us up on Celebrity Justice and in the county blues. So in return for sparing you both a well deserved trip to the city morgue we're asking for a match! Just one teeny tiny little itty bitty match! It doesn't even have to be in an OAOAST ring, it can be at a hair salon, it can be in a parking lot, it can be at Rite Aid, it can be at my mama's trailer, just not around the hours of two-three o'clock because that's when the pool boy comes over and she wants everyone out so he can get to work. Which is odd because she doesn't even have a pool. Weird! We can even have any stipulation ya want! Cage match, ladder match, lumberjack match, lumberjill match, lumber-we-dont-discriminate-against-people-based-on-their-prescribed-gender-roles

-thus-are-offering-everyone-an-equal-chance-to-be-a-lumberperson match. We can have a barbwire match, blindfold match, Judy Bagwell on a pole match which happens to be greatest invention since fat free edible panties, an inferno match, a scaffold match, a bra match, but not a bra and panties match because I ate Krissy's panties only to find that not only are they not of the fat free variety, they aren't of the edible variety either! We can have a tables match, a taped fist match, or an empty arena match, in other words we can wrestle after GPX goes on, because those boys clear out the arena like someone called in an anthrax scare. We can have a Chamber Horrors match, an arm wrestling match, a strap match, a strap-on match, just stay away from Krissy, she goes into full-on crazy amazon queen with the hair pulling and drunken grunting, and the tiara and leoprard print face paint and the sharp spear she pokes your wabbit tail with. Anyway whatever stip ya want, you can have! Just call us Barbra Eden, because your wish is these genies' command. As long as it has the word match in it, we are down like Homey the clown. So just give us a freaking match! Pretty please with eighty billion chocolate covered cherries on top!

 

Again Wright is non committal, smirking at Alix's pleading.

 

KRISTA

Fine. Okay. Enough of the jokes, enough of the begging. Let me put down Ol Number 7 and let me get serious with you kids. Alix was being sweet, but now Krista's taken over and now the mood's all changed. After what happened last week, I now know that you two are excremental excuses for human beings who's skin would be better used as an overcoat to keep those who actually deserve to live warm during the winter. Understand this, we're gonna find you, we're gonna getcha. We're gonna come to whatever section 8 housing project you sorry asses waste oxygen in and we're gonna drag your rotten carcasses out into the street in the middle of the night and we're gonna tear into you like two dogs caged. And you might not like it if we have to pay you a visit. You might get your door kicked in. You might get your kid napped. You might get your legs broke. You might get your neck snapped. You might get your skull cracked. And you might take your last ride in an ambulance, and you might not make it to see the other side of thirty.

 

With that warning on their minds, Wright and Bo make their retreat, as COD's music plays over the thunderous roar of the crowd. The Sk8rs and Melody converse with the girls, while the other participants in that less then stellar four way match clear out.

 

We go to the back where Tha Puerto Rican is stretching and preparing for his title match. Behind him stands Stephen Joseph.

 

Stephen Joseph

You're the Puerto Rican, the baddest mofo wrestling today. Peter Knight's got nothing on you. He's a punk. He doesn't defend his belt. He wets his bed. He lusts for his mother. He's got an outie. He's a bitch Puerto, and what do we do to bitches?

 

Tha Puerto Rican

I smack my bitch up!

 

Stephen Joseph

Whoop Whoop! I can't wait Puerto. Soon, you'll join me in the hall of champions....IF YA

 

(Tha Puerto Rican puts his hand up to Stephen's face)

 

TPR

That's my line. IF YA SMEELEELLLLLLL LLALLALAALALAA WHAT THE PUERTO RICAN>>>> IS COOOKINGGGGGGG!!

 

SJ

GO GET HIM!

 

PR slings his 24/7 belt over his shoulder and exits the locker room.

 

COLE

Our main event is next!

 

Commercial break

[KingPK 0]

As we return, Magnum Opus: Father Padilla Meets the Perfect Gnat/Howling at the Moon is playing and Alfdogg is making his way down the aisle.

 

COLE

Welcome back everyone. Alfdogg is making his way to the ring I guess to join us here on commentary.

 

COACH

Right. More like he's coming down here so he can interfere in this title match.

 

Cole stands as Alf reaches Sofa Central and extends his hand, but Alf simply looks at him and pulls a folding chair over next to him. Cole hands him a headset, but Alf takes it and simply tosses it back onto the desk.

 

COLE

Well, looks like we won't be getting Alf's insight on this match and his AngleMania opponent, whoever that will be.

 

COACH

Good.

 

COLE

It’s now time for our main event of the evening with the OAOAST Heavyweight title on the line! Let’s go up to Michael Buffer.

 

*DING DING DING*

 

BUFFER

Lllladies and gentlemen, the following match is your HeldDOWN main event of the evening. It is scheduled for one fall with a one hour time limit and it is for the One and Only Anglesault Thread Heavyweight Championship of the World!

 

Buffer looks to his right as he sees a stagehand (well….ringhand in this case) waving a small card at him. Slightly embarrassed, he walks over and, with a scowl at the poor guy for interrupting him (he’s MICHAEL BUFFER, DAMMIT!) looks at the card and takes his place again at center ring.

 

BUFFER

Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to introduce your special guest referee for this match….

 

COLE

What's this?

 

CUE: I’m On A High

 

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!

 

The fans unleash their disgust as HeldDOWN General Manager (and leader of the Upstarts) Axel appears on the stage dressed in black slacks and a OAOAST referee shirt.

 

CABOOSE

Oh, come on. Yeah, Axel sure did have a feeling that Knight wasn’t going to lose, didn’t he?

 

COLE

So this is what that dry cleaning delivery was all about.

 

COACH

Do you really think Axel is that stupid? That he would jeopardize the title like this so close to the biggest show of the year? Do not doubt the Upstarts, gentlemen. But I’m sure Axel will be a fair and impartial referee because that’s how we roll around here.

 

CABOOSE

My goddamn ass.

 

Axel walks up the ring steps and through the ropes, taking his place in one of the corners as his music fades. The lights go out…..

 

*THE CHAMP IS HERE!*

 

BOOM!

 

A lightning bolt strikes the stage as the well known in wrestling circles Know Your Role ‘99 hits the PA and Tha Puerto Rican enters the arena to a surprisingly positive reaction from the jam packed crowd. He is somewhat surprised at the cheers as well, but decides to go with it and raises his 24/7 title into the air.

 

BUFFER

Introducing first; he hails from San Juan, Puerto Rico and weighs in tonight at two hundred and twenty pounds. He is currently the reigning OAOAST Twenty-Four/Seven Champion but tonight he enters this ring as the challenger. Ladies and gentlemen…Thaaaa Puertooooooooo Riiiiicaaaaaaannnnnn!!!

 

“YEAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!”

 

COLE

These fans seem to be solidly behind Puerto tonight.

 

CABOOSE

And why shouldn’t they be? Finally they see what I’ve seen in him all along.

 

After briefly trading words with Axel, PR hands off his belt to the ring attendant and jogs in place in his corner, slapping his face to psych himself up for the match. His music fades and the lights go out once more.

 

I've been defeated and brought down

Dropped to my knees when hope ran out

The time has come to change my ways…

 

The guitar and drum flourish of Metalingus begins, followed by the chorus as the champion steps through the sliding doors. Axel applauds in the ring, but the crowd isn’t so receptive.

 

On this day

I see clearly

Everything has come to life

A bitter place and a broken dream

And we'll leave it all behind

 

“BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!”

 

BUFFER

And his opponent. He hails from Fall River, Massachusetts and weighs in tonight at two hundred and sixty-five pounds. He enters this match as the current reigning and defending One and Only Anglesault Thread Heavyweight Champion of the WOOOOOOOOORLD…..Peterrrrrrrrrrrrrr Kniiiiiiiiiiight!!

 

“BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

 

Knight steps into the ring and immediately hits the turnbuckles, looking over the booing crowd with contempt as the flashbulbs of their cameras reflect off his freshly polished title belt. He hops down as the lights come back up and pulls on the ropes, starting his own warm up ritual. As he does so, Axel checks PR for any foreign objects. Finding none, he walks over to Knight but decides that such a search isn’t worth the time and simply takes the title belt from him, holding it in the air before handing it off to Buffer.

 

COACH

Knight doesn’t need anything else to help him win, so Axel isn’t going to waste his time.

 

Axel calls both men to the center of the ring and gives them last minute instructions. He orders them back to their corners but, as PR turns his back, he nods to Knight who charges in and blindsides the challenger as Axel calls for the bell.

 

*DING DING*

 

CABOOSE

Axel’s showing his impartiality already.

 

Knight shoves the lighter PR into his corner and lays into him with right hands and stiff forearms. PR’s head bounces violently back with every shot. He continues to pummel PR while Axel simply watches.

 

COLE

Come on Axel, break them up!

 

Axel finally steps in between and pulls them apart, but Knight immediately goes back on the offensive, delivering a stiff European uppercut followed by another which backs PR into the ropes. Knight whips him off and knocks him down with a hard back elbow. He drops down for the pin.

 

1…

2…

 

PR quickly kicks out of the fast count and a disappointed Axel displays two fingers. Knight pulls PR back up and backs him into the ropes again to whip him off. He hooks him on the rebound and goes for a hiptoss, but PR twists in midair to land on his feet and takes Knight over with an armdrag, followed by another, and another that leads into an armlock, but Knight quickly kicks his foot out and finds the rope to force a break, which Axel immediately demands. Puerto glares angrily at Axel, but eventually breaks and endures a stern lecture from the referee.

 

CABOOSE

Careful Puerto. Keep a close eye on Axel.

 

Tha Puerto Rican picks up Peter Knight. He nails him in the face with a punch. He then nails PK with another punch, and then whips Knight into the opposite turnbuckle. However, Knight reverses, and it’s PRL who hits the turnbuckle back first HARD! Knight smiles as he charges forward, however, PRL is able to fight back by elbowing PK in the face! PRL climbs the top rope, and waits for Knight to get into the right position. When he does, PR leaps off the top rope, and hits PK with a flying crossbody!

 

1…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

KICK OUT!

 

CABOOSE

That was a slow count! Did you see that? A SLOOOOOOOW one!

 

COLE

It’s true, that count did seem rather slow.

 

CABOOSE

Damn it!

 

Axel holds up one finger to let PRL know that it was a one count. PRL asks Axel if he knows how to count. As a small chant of “P.R.! P.R.!” starts up; The Corporate Champ picks Peter Knight up, and nails him with some European Uppercuts. PRL Irish whips Knight into the ropes—Knight reverses. PR grabs the ropes to stop himself from bouncing off of them. PK charges forward, going for a big boot, but PRL ducks underneath the boot…causing PK to crotch himself on the top rope!

 

CABOOSE

Good one PR! Way to go!

 

Puerto Rican grabs the top rope and pulls on it, causing Knight to go up and down, up and down! Axel tells PRL to stop doing that or else be disqualified. PR gives Axel the “Up yours!” gesture in response, and the crowd actually cheers!

 

CABOOSE

Yeah! You tell him, Champ!

 

Axel and PR get into an argument. While this is going on, PK is recovering from getting crotched on the top rope. The crowd gets antsy, trying to warn PRL about PK’s recovery.

 

COLE

Axel is doing a damn good job of distracting PRL.

 

COACH

He’s not doing this just to give PK time to recover! He’s warning PRL about what he was doing!

 

COLE

I seriously doubt that, Coach.

 

COACH

Oh you are such a cynic Michael! It’s ridiculous!

 

PRL and Axel are still arguing, while Peter Knight is back on his feet. Axel stops arguing with PR. When PR turns around, he gets booted in the face, knocking him down!

 

COLE

Oh! And Peter Knight sends Tha Puerto Rican to the mat with a big boot to the face!

 

COACH

Excellent work, PK! Excellent work!

 

CABOOSE

Ugh.

 

Peter Knight goes straight to work, stomping on Tha Puerto Rican. Knight picks PRL up by his black sweatshirt (did I mention that PRL is in his warmup attire? Just thought I’d mention that). Double underhook suplex! PK sneers at PRL, and then picks him up. PK tosses Tha Puerto Rican out of the ring, and onto the floor.

 

COLE

Oh no. This isn’t good for PRL. Peter Knight is on the outside fighting Tha Puerto Rican.

 

COACH

Gee, I wonder who’ll win? Hmmm. I wonder.

 

Peter Knight exits the ring. PRL is still trying to get up, so Knight kicks him in the stomach. PK beats on Puerto Rican on the outside, while Axel doesn’t even bother to administer a 10 count. PK slams PR’s face on top of a barricade. PR stumbles around ringside with Knight stalking him. PK beats on PRL some more, taking him over to Sofa Central.

 

COLE

Uh-oh! Look out! They’re coming this way!

 

Triple C and Alfdogg get out of their seats. PRL is on his knees at Sofa Central. So, Peter Knight grabs PRL and hoists him up for a Gorilla Press Slam. PK drops PRL on top of the announcer’s table. PRL slumps to the ground. PK stares at Alfdogg, a smirk on his face.

 

PK stomps on PR because he can. Axel is still just watching, not administering a 10 count.

 

COLE

Axel is just letting these two fight wherever they want.

 

CABOOSE

Yeah, but only because PK is in control. If PRL was in control, then it would be a different story.

 

Peter Knight throws Tha Puerto Rican back into the ring. He covers PRL.

 

1…

2…

 

KICK OUT!

 

COLE

Again with the fast count!

 

Knight mutters, “Damn!” But then goes back to the attack. Knight scoops PRL up to give him a bodyslam! PK then leaps up, going for an elbowdrop…but PRL moves out of the way!

 

“YEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

 

PRL uses the ropes to get himself back to his feet.

 

CABOOSE

Come on. Come on!

 

“The Corporate Champion” Tha Puerto Rican gets to a vertical base and bounces off the ropes.

 

SPINEBUSTER from Peter Knight!

 

COACH

Yeah boy!

 

The crowd boos loudly. It looks like all the air was taken out of PRL with that spinebuster from the 6’4” 265 pound Peter Knight. PRL lies on the mat as PK gets up, starting to feel the effects of the match.

 

COLE

Peter Knight is once again in control of Tha Puerto Rican. What’s going to happen next? Will PK be able to retain the OAOAST World Title tonight? Or will Tha Puerto Rican finally reach the top of the mountain and become World Champion? We’ll be back right after this!

 

Commercials.

 

We return to HeldDOWN~! with Peter Knight punching Tha Puerto Rican.

 

COLE

Back on HeldDOWN~! Peter Knight has been in control of Tha Puerto Rican throughout the break. He has not let PRL get any offense at all.

 

COACH

Peter Knight is showing the world why he deserves to be OAOAST Champion! Dominating PRL is no easy task, and yet that’s what Knight has been doing throughout this match! He is a one-of-a-kind athlete, and he’s proving it tonight, and he’ll prove it at AngleMania!

 

PK whips PRL into a turnbuckle. He follows with a MASSIVE clothesline taking PRL off his feet for a second! PK whips PRL into the opposite turnbuckle, and follows with another massive clothesline, taking PR off his feet. PRL stumbles out from the turnbuckle, and is picked up by Knight. Belly-to-back suplex! Knight covers PRL.

 

1…

 

 

 

 

 

 

2…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

SHOULDER UP!

 

COACH

That was a normal count.

 

COLE

You’re right. It was a normal count.

 

COACH

SEE! Axel isn’t biased at all!

 

“P.R.! P.R.! P.R.! P.R.!”

 

Knight picks PRL up by his black sweatshirt. He punches PRL in the face. Suddenly, PRL punches Knight in the face! Knight punches PR! PR punches Knight! PR punches Knight again! And again! And again!

 

COACH

Guys, what is happening?

 

Puerto Rican continues punching Knight, sending him to the ropes. Punch. Punch. Punch. Spit. Punch. Peter rests on the ropes, while the crowd is becoming fired up. PR looks at the crowd, and then charges forward. However, PK is able to defend himself by ducking down so that PRL flies over the top rope and crashes to the floor!

 

COACH

Ow! I think he may have broken a tooth with that landing!

 

COLE

PRL is out on the floor, and the momentum has shifted back to PK!

 

CABOOSE

Oh dear God! Come on PRL! Get up! Get up!

 

Peter Knight laughs at PRL’s fall.

 

COLE

Let’s take a look at the replay.

 

We see an instant replay of PRL’s fall as PK gets out of the ring. Knight walks over to PRL, and kicks him all over his body. Axel is once again not administering a count.

 

“P.K. SUCKS!

P.K. SUCKS!

P.K. SUCKS!

P.K. SUCKS!”

 

PK looks at the crowd in disgust. Knight glances over at Axel, and then picks Puerto up. He says something to him, and then whips him into the ring steps! PRL hits the ring steps shoulder first!

 

COLE

You could hear that all over the arena!

 

PRL is pretty much out of it by now. He is winded and sweating profusely. PK is becoming more and more cocky by the second. A “P.K. SUCKS!” chant starts up again. Knight just ignores it this time.

 

COACH

PK can feel it. He can feel that the end is near! He can feel that he is about done with PRL! All he has to do is go back into the ring and cover him so that he can end this match and retain the title!

 

Knight picks up Tha Puerto Rican and throws him back in the ring, Axel never administering a 10 count. Peter Knight enters the ring and stares at the fallen Puerto Rican.

 

COLE

Knight better be careful. He can’t get overconfident, because that may cost him big.

 

Peter goes to pick up Tha Puerto Rican.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And is surprised when Tha Puerto Rican grabs PK and cradles him for a pin!

 

1…

 

Axel checks on PK.

 

 

 

 

 

 

2…

 

 

 

 

 

 

Axel checks on PK again.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

PK KICKS OUT!

 

CABOOSE

What the hell were you waiting for?

 

COACH

He was checking to see if PK was hurt!

 

CABOOSE

How could he be hurt? PRL surprised him! He was playing possum!

 

COACH

Well maybe he got hurt during the pin!

 

PRL gets up and glares IN ANGER~! at Axel. He walks over to Axel and starts yelling at him. The crowd gets hot, feeling that a brawl is about to break out.

 

COLE

PRL has a lot of guts yelling at Axel. The size difference is pretty obvious.

 

CABOOSE

PRL has a lot of guts, Cole. That’s how he’s been able to reign as 24/7 Champion since April of last year. Guts and brains.

 

Tha Puerto Rican stops yelling at Axel. He goes over to pick PK up. PK elbows PRL in the stomach. He elbows PRL in the stomach again for good measure. Knight gets up and beats on PRL. He Irish whips him into the ropes. He goes for a clothesline, but Tha Puerto Rican ducks, and comes back with a Rock-style punch to the temple. Rock punch! Rock punch! Rock punch! PRL’s punches take PK over to the ropes. PRL is still punching PK. He spits in his left hand, and then punches PK again, but this time the punch sends Peter Knight over the top rope and onto the floor! PRL plays to the crowd!

 

COLE

Tha Puerto Rican is in control! He is in control of Peter Knight! I can’t believe I’m actually saying this!

 

COACH

I can’t believe it either! This isn’t happening, is it?

 

CABOOSE

You better believe it, Coach! You better believe it!

 

Puerto exits the ring. Knight is getting up, but PRL still wants to help him. P.R. nails P.K. with Rock-style punches to the temple. Meanwhile, Axel has begun a 10 count, counting a little faster than normal.

 

COLE

Oh I see. When his boy isn’t in control, Axel decides to do a 10 count. That’s balance.

 

PRL grabs PK by his right arm, and whips him into the ring steps! The impact causes the top ring step to fall off! The crowd groans at this!

 

COACH

Oh my God!

 

PRL enters the ring just as Axel counts 9. PR sneers at Axel, and then exits the ring again. PRL does some shaky leg kicks on PK as Axel starts his faster-than-usual 10 count. PRL picks up Peter Knight and throws him into the ring. More shaky leg kicks from Tha Puerto Rican as the crowd chants, “P.R.! P.R.! P.R.! P.R.!” The CORPORATE 24/7 Champion stops to “smell the electricity”, and then picks up Peter Knight. Puerto whips Knight into a turnbuckle. He follows by giving Knight a Stinger Splash! Knight stumbles out from the turnbuckle, in a groggy state. Puerto Rican climbs the top rope, and waits till Knight’s back is turned. When it is, PR jumps off, giving Knight a top rope bulldog!

 

COLE

Bulldog from the top rope!

 

COACH

This isn’t happening! This isn’t happening!

 

COLE

It looks quite possible that PRL may pull off the upset here! He may unseat Peter Knight as World Champion!

 

COACH

DON’T YOU DARE SAY THAT!

 

Peter Knight lies on the mat. PR exits the ring and climbs the top rope. The crowd starts buzzing, wondering what PRL is going to do. They get an idea when PR removes his left elbowpad, spits on it, and then throws it to the crowd. PR does some weird hand signals, and then leaps off the top rope, doing the “Up yours!” gesture in mid-air.

 

CORPORATE ELBOWDROP!

 

CABOOSE

Hey Alfdogg, you’re going to feel that move at AngleMania!

 

The crowd actually cheers for the move, although there are a few boos sprinkled in. PRL is still a heel after all. Tha Puerto Rican covers PK.

 

1…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

2…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

KICK OUT!

 

By the way, it was a fair count.

 

COLE

The Corporate Elbowdrop wasn’t enough to put Peter Knight away.

 

COACH

It’s not enough to put ANYBODY away if you ask me.

 

PRL gets up. The Corporate One picks up Peter Knight. He whips him into a turnbuckle. Puerto follows that up by hitting Knight with The Rock-style punches. However, Axel gets in between PR and PK, telling PR to break it up. PR tells Axel he did nothing wrong. Axel doesn’t listen. PRL saids a curse in Spanish to Axel. When he turns around, PK is there to scratch his eyes out!

 

COLE

Hey Axel, why don’t you do something about that?

 

COACH

Do what? PK did absolutely nothing wrong there!

 

COLE

Oh come on.

 

The crowd boos loudly.

 

“AX-HOLE!

AX-HOLE!

AX-HOLE!

AX-HOLE!”

 

Peter Knight beats on Tha Puerto Rican, almost knocking him off his feet. Knight then grabs Puerto’s left arm and whips him into the ropes. Knight goes for a clothesline, but PRL ducks…and fires back with a flying forearm knocking Knight down to the mat!

 

 

 

AND….KIP-UP!

 

“YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

 

COLE

The kip-up! PRL kipped-up!

 

COACH

Oh no!

 

PRL jumps up and down, feeling the adrenaline flowing through his veins. Axel has concerned look on his face. PRL plays to the crowd, and then heads to a turnbuckle. Peter Knight is still on the mat.

 

COLE

It could be Sweet Chin Music time for Peter Knight!

 

PRL begins stomping his right foot a’la Shawn Michaels. 1,2,3. 1,2,3. 1,2,3. The crowd counts along with each stomp.

 

CABOOSE

He’s fired up! He’s ready! Sweet Chin Music time!

 

PRL continues stomping his right foot, impatiently waiting for PK to get up. PK is now sitting up on the mat. The crowd is hot, getting hotter by the second.

 

COLE

This is PRL’s traditional setup move for the Corporate Nightmare!

 

PK gets to one knee. PR has an evil grin on his face. PK gets to his feet.

 

CABOOSE

Here it comes! Here it comes! Oh boy! Oh boy! Oh boy!

 

COACH

Geez, calm down. Don’t wet your pants!

 

Peter Knight is now at a vertical base. He is dazed, winded, and groggy. PRL laughs manically. Axel still has a concerned look on his face. A hushed silence falls over the crowd, as PRL rushes forward, preparing to lift his right foot up for the…

 

SWEET CHIN MUSIC!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

THAT IS CAUGHT BY PK!

 

COLE

Uh-oh. This isn’t good.

 

PRL is shocked. PK lifts PRL up, and then charges forward, slamming him into a turnbuckle! PRL lies motionless on the turnbuckle. Knight looks at the crowd, and then heads to the opposite turnbuckle. He charges forward…but PRL moves out of the way….and PK hits the turnbuckle HARD! PK stumbles out from the turnbuckle.

 

 

 

 

 

*KA-POW~!*

 

 

Right into a SWEET CHIN MUSIC from Tha Puerto Rican!

 

COLE

The Sweet Chin Music connects! PRL has given Peter Knight the Sweet Chin Music!

 

CABOOSE

Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Way to go! Woooooooooooooooooooo!

 

COACH

No! No! Oh God no! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

 

Peter Knight falls to the mat like a sack of bricks. The crowd is cheering loudly now. Tha Puerto Rican looks to the cheering crowd with a smirk on his face. He gets an idea, and let’s the fans know that it’s time to end this thing.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“THAT’S IT!”

 

“YEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

 

COLE

That’s it! That’s the signal for the Corporate Nightmare! PRL is going to give Peter Knight the Corporate Nightmare!

 

CABOOSE

We’re going to have a new World Heavyweight Champion in just a few seconds! I can feel it! It’s going to happen! It’s finally going to freaking happen!

 

PRL stalks PK in the ring, waiting for him to get up. He gets into position to deliver the Corporate Nightmare, while Axel continues watching all of this, concerned.

 

COLE

We could be just moments away from the crowning of a new World’s Heavyweight Champion!

 

CABOOSE

Tha Puerto Rican will FINALLY win the big one! Ya-hoo!

 

Knight stumbles to his feet and leans against the ropes, trying to shake the cobwebs out. He turns around, facing PR.....

 

 

KICK~!

 

 

 

 

 

WHAM~!

 

 

 

 

 

 

CORPORATE NIGHTMARE~!

 

"YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

 

COLE

HE HIT IT! HE HIT IT! Knight is on Dream Street!

 

PR crawls on top of Knight and hooks the leg, but Axel hesitates, yelling at Knight to get up while PR slaps the mat, telling Axel to start his count.

 

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!"

 

CABOOSE

Do your goddamn job, Axel!

 

Axel paces a bit, giving his man time to recover, but Knight doesn't seem to be responding. The boos intensify as Axel, resigned, drops to all fours and counts, slapping his hand hard on the canvas for the first count.

 

ONE!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And the second.

 

TWO!

 

But suddenly Axel jumps back to his feet, grimacing in pain and grabbing his counting hand.

 

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!"

 

COACH

He might have broken his hand counting! He can't finish the count! Oh no!

 

CABOOSE

MY F***ING ASS!

 

Enraged, PR jumps to his feet and flies at Axel, grabbing him by the shirt and backing him into the corner while screaming in his face.

 

COACH

Yeah, go ahead and hit him and enjoy the unpaid vacation you will get!

 

CABOOSE

I don't care if he gets suspended. Someone needs to stop this bull**** already!

 

Axel, knowing an opportunity when he sees it, tries to goad PR into hitting him while at the same time distracting him while Knight begins to recover. As Knight gets to his knees, Axel finally puts up his hands, seemingly apologizing to PR and promising to call the rest of the match fairly. Satisfied, PR turns.....but Knight picks his legs, steps through them and turns him into the Ace In The Hole!

 

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!"

 

COACH

YES!

 

Knight cranks back on the full nelson, bending PR's lower back at an excrutiating angle, screams of pain escaping the challenger as he is bent the wrong way. Axel gets in position and repeatedly asks him if he wants to quit, but PR hangs on. The crowd stomps and claps to try to rally the challenger, shaking the rafters as they do.

 

"P-R!"

"P-R!"

"P-R!"

"P-R!"

 

CABOOSE

Fight it PR! Fight it!

 

COLE

Tha Puerto Rican is in a terrible spot right now. This move has made some big men surrender.

 

CABOOSE

He's got heart and I know he can do it!

 

PR, summoning the last bits of strength he has left, leans forward to relieve some of the pressure on his back and manages to drag himself and Knight forward a foot or so. Knight pulls back to punish him some more, but PR is able to fight it and edge closer towards the ropes. The chanting intensifies the closer PR gets to the ropes.

 

"P-R!"

"P-R!"

"P-R!"

"P-R!"

 

COLE

One more lunge and he might be able to do it!

 

Axel gets down on one knee and gets right into PR's face, repeatedly asking if he wants to quit, but PR ignores the question, as he is focused on just one thing.

 

PR gets closer........

 

 

 

 

Closer.......

 

 

 

Axel looks over and notices what he is looking at......

 

 

 

Closer.......

 

 

PR reaches his hand out.....

 

 

 

And as he does so, Axel, while still checking for a submission, reaches over and pushes on the middle rope, leaving it mere inches away from PR's grasp! All the will seems to drain from PR as Knight pulls back and backs him towards the center of the ring.

 

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

 

CABOOSE

A travesty. What a ***king travesty.

 

“AX-HOLE!

AX-HOLE!

AX-HOLE!

AX-HOLE!”

 

COLE

Axel pushed the rope away so Puerto couldn't grab it and......wait, Alf, where are you going?

 

Enraged but not showing it, Alfdogg calmly rises from his seat at Sofa Central, folding up the chair that he was sitting on, and walks over to the apron. He slides into the ring behind and out of sight of Axel, who is solely focused on PR. Alf walks over to stand to the side of Knight, who also is so focused on the hold as to not even see Alf raise his chair. Axel sees the chair in his peripheral vision and stands to stop him....but it is too late.

 

 

*CRACK*

 

As Alf swings and slams the chair into Knight's face.

 

"YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!"

 

Immediately Axel calls for the bell and leans through the ropes to tell Buffer the obvious decision over the crowd wildly cheering Alf.

 

CABOOSE

FINALLY someone does something!

 

COACH

Alf just screwed Tha Puerto Rican out of the title! I knew Alf was up to no good in this match!

 

COLE

PR didn't have a chance in hell with that referee.

 

BUFFER

Llladies and gentlemen, your winner, as a result of a disqualification due to outside interference....and STILL the One and Only Anglesault Thread Heavyweight Champion of the WOOOOOOOOOOOORLD.....Peterrrrrrrrrrrr Kniiiiiiiiiiight!!!!

 

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

 

Axel retrieves the belt and raises the hand of a now bloody Knight as he lays on the mat. Axel walks over to Alf and demands answers, talking smack and generally being an ass in front of him. As an answer, Alf simply piefaces him, knocking Axel back into the ropes. Axel, incensed that Alf would do such a thing, growls in anger and kicks the rope. He begins to turn to give Alf the beating he deserves, but the last thing he sees before everything goes dark is a steel chair rapidly filling his field of vision.

 

*CRACK*

 

"YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

 

COLE

WHOA!

 

COACH

He hit the General Manager!!!! He should lose his title shot and someone should have his ass arrested!!!!

 

CABOOSE

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! I hope my TiVo is recording this, because I want to watch it over and over when I get home.

 

Suddenly, Christian Wright and the GPX storm the ring but Alf quickly rolls to the outside and hops the barrier, walking backwards through the crowd and smirking in satisfaction as Johnny Jax helps up Axel (who now is bleeding as well) and Christian assists the champion. Axel and Knight lean against the ropes, evil thoughts running through their heads as Alf raises his arm and makes his way out of the arena through the crowd.

 

COACH

Alfdogg just signed his death warrant. At AngleMania, Alf is ***king dead.

 

We fade out with a shot of Knight and Axel.

 

Bloody.

 

Battered.

 

 

And extremely pissed off.

 

Fade to black

[King Cucaracha 0]

Backstage, Leon Rodez is deep in conversation with a group of random assorted hangers on. When wrestlers don't have matches, they don't have much to do, see. And obviously, Leon doesn't have a match. What he does have is taped ribs, picked up at the hands of The Lightning Crew and specifically Tha Puerto Rican last week. And that seems to be the topic of conversation, which is possibly why Charles Robinson in particular looks so thoroughly bored. Luckily, he's about to be saved though, as their conversation is interrupted by Jade Rodez.

 

JADE

Hey Le'! Can I ask you...

 

LEON

Woah, what are you doing here? Aren't you supposed to be in Japan, working for HI-YAH with the rest of the Women's Division that as everyone knows are on an extended indefinate tour for perfectly reasonable reasons that I could explain but won't because you already know them?

 

JADE

Yeah, but they didn't really want me hangin' around there after me and Molly let all those pandas loose and they weren't using me or anything, 'cause I'm...you know...

 

LEON

A terrible wrestler?

 

JADE

No, a rookie!

 

LEON

Oh. Yeah. Of course. Well, don't worry, you've come to the right person. I'll talk to Zack and get him to pull some politics, help you back into favour. *winkwink* You'll understand when you're older.

 

Jade looks curiously at Leon.

 

JADE

He's gonna sleep with someone to get me back in HI-YAH?

 

LEON

No...well, at least I hope not. But I'll talk to him and see what he can do.

 

JADE

No, no, that's not what I want Le'. All I was really doing was getting my BUTT kicked all the time and Japan kinda sucked anyway. So, I've got them to take me off the tour and I'm gonna be a manager for a while instead, so what I kinda need you to do is interview my new tag team so that they get some exposure and stuff...

 

LEON

Woah, woah, backtrack Jack. Your new tag team?

 

JADE

Yeah.

 

LEON

Aw, that's real cute. Sis, you don't know anything about being a manager. You've got to have some sort of knowledge of sports science, be able to organise contracts and other financial deals for their clients and at the very least cut a decent promo. Unless you've been taking classes in your spare time, you can't do anything on that list. Besides, you can't own a tag team.

 

JADE

You can if you get a 60% cut on everything they make.

 

A clearly impressed Leon raises his eyebrows.

 

LEON

Sweet deal.

 

JADE

Yeah, Krista suggested it.

 

Leon grumbles under his breath.

 

JADE

So, can you interview us...pleeeeeeaaaaassseeeeee.

 

LEON

Eh, sure, why not. It's not like I can wrestle with my ribs like this.

 

JADE

Why, what happened?

 

LEON

I'll explain on the way.

 

JADE

Way where? Don't you have to get the set sorted and stuff?

 

LEON

A beach towel and a desk?

 

JADE

Good point.

 

 

**5 MINUTES LATER APPARANTELY!!**

 

 

OAOAST Productions, Proudly Presents...

#~~THE LOVE SHACK~~#

 

 

Hey, Leon has found a desk and he's sitting at it. Must be Love Shack time! Standing behind the desk, clearly in camera view, are Josh Matthews and Charles Robinson, each holding up half of the New York skyline beach towel. Unfortunately, Leon didn't think to bring his 'HAIL MICHIGAN' road sign with him, so Matthews also holds a piece of paper with those very words scrawled across it. Despairing at this terrible set, even by Love Shack standards, Leon sits at his desk, which is coincidentally the first desk he could find with items on it expendable enough to throw to the side. Or, alternatively, on the floor.

 

LEON

Uhm...welcome to the Love Shack, I guess. I wasn't really prepped for this tonight, so tonight consider this Leon Rodez's Night At The Improv. Set included. But set or no set, this is the Love Shack and I am Leon Rodez. I don't give a *beep*, keep lookin' at mah *beep*, coz it don't mean a thing if you're lookin' at mah *beep*. You know, if you listen to that song with a dictionary in your hand and just replace the beeps for random chosen words, it becomes so much better. It's true. Try it, people. Now, you're gonna have to forgive me here because I've done so little research on my guests tonight that I not only don't know their names, I didn't even know they existed until a half hour ago. Don't misunderstand me, I don't do research for any guests. It's not like this is anything more than a time-waster when I'm not booked. But I usually know names as a bare minimum. Tonight, I don't. So, I'll leave introductions to one person I do the name of, which is my dear little sister Jade Rodez, accompanied by some new tag team!

 

The piped applause makes a welcome return for the first time since Zack's last taped HI-YAH match, as Jade Rodez strides into shot, making a far too dramatic gesture for the two young gentlemen who are with her. They seem pretty snappy dressers and are obviously down with current trends and pop cultures and stuff. Hair is gelled. Clothes are well tailored. Jewellery is made of seashells and stuff. And smiles are cheesy, yet surprisingly swoon-worthy.

 

LEON

Okay, that was suitably OTT. Guys, gal, welcome to the Love Shack. Now, we need to get the formalities over and done with, so a/s/l plz!

 

JADE

18/F/here.

 

LEON

lol ill pretend u sed 18!

 

JADE

I...kinda did.

 

LEON

And these guys?

 

JADE

This is D*LUX.

 

Waiting for some elaboration, Leon gets none.

 

LEON

And the other guy?

 

JADE

No, they're D*LUX. That's the tag team name and it's spelt with an asterix because it's cool and unique and more likely to fit on merchandise. Krista's idea.

 

Leon grumbles under his breath. Jade meanwhile points to the taller of the two tag teamers...

 

JADE

This is Tyler...

 

...and then the slightly shorter one...

 

JADE

...and this is Shayne. Nicknames on a postcard, please. The best we could come up with was "Silver" Shayne but Krista said that was a kinda stupid name unless he was gonna dress up in a silver bodysuit and mask and get beat in 2 minutes every time he stepped into a ring, so we're still thinking. They're from Michigan...

 

Suddenly perking up, Leon sits up in his seat and throws away the cryptic crossword he was perusing over.

 

TYLER

Don't forget about the part where we almost got to the second auditions on American Idol two years in a row!

 

SHAYNE

Paula Abdul said I had nice buns.

 

LEON

Wait a second...doesn't 'almost got to the second stage' mean they turned you down at the first stage. Twice?

 

JADE

No comment.

 

LEON

Hey, you're getting the hang of this manager thing quick, sis. So, aside from failing at American Idol, what else have you guys done with your lives?

 

Tyler and Shayne confer.

 

TYLER

Dreamt about succeeding at American Idol.

 

SHAYNE

Had a lot of emotional relationships...and then wrote ballads about them.

 

TYLER

We went to that Red Wings game last month and sung the national anthem...

 

SHAYNE

Pity security threw us out.

 

TYLER

Yeah.

 

LEON

So, you're like...a boyband? Where's the rest of you?

 

JADE

They're not a boyband, they're just two guys who wanted to be successful pop stars.

 

SHAYNE

Want. We don't believe in past tense.

 

JADE

They've been tearing stuff up in OAOVW and now they're coming to the OAOAST to wrestle, to maybe make a music career, they're exciting wrestlers, they're cute and they have feelings that they like to show to people. I've seen Tyler cry. It's a beautiful sight.

 

LEON

I'm sure.

 

JADE

I've got these guys a big match next week and we're hoping to move up the rankings...

 

TYLER

And the charts...

 

SHAYNE

And your #hhhhHheEeeEEeaaRaarRRtttTsssSS!!#

 

JADE

...in the coming weeks.

 

Pulling his fingers from his ears, Leon grimaces still as he glances at D*LUX.

 

LEON

The fact you couldn't make it to the second round of a competition Kelly Clarkson won is pretty depressing. But you seem like you're good kids, you're from Michigan and you're probably far too meterosexual and new age kids to be doing the jiggy with my sister...so, good luck next week.

 

JADE

Thanks...I think.

 

LEON

You know, I was supposed to meet Alix like 5 minutes ago and if you guys keep me waiting much longer, you'll have plenty of emotions to write about. Like being without genetalia.

 

TYLER

Hey...that'd be pretty radical.

 

SHAYNE

Do we say radical?

 

TYLER

I guess we do now.

 

SHAYNE

...Radical!

 

LEON

I wasn't being metephorical you know.

 

JADE

Aw, Alix wouldn't do that, she's a sweetie.

 

SHAYNE

Hard to beat-ie.

 

TYLER

Knock me off my #fFFFffFfEEEeEeEEeEEeTttttTtYYYYyYYYYyyyyyy!!#

 

...

 

LEON

Why did you say you didn't get through to the second stage again?

 

JADE (to D*LUX)

Don't mind him guys. He's bitter because he got booed off stage once...he was only six bless him and he forgot the words to Joseph And His Amazing Technicolour Dreamcoat, so he started ad-libbing. Wasn't pretty. Ruined his dreams, so it's kinda a sore issue, ya know.

 

Momentarily lost for words, Leon stares into space.

 

LEON

And, I think we'll leave it there. This was the Love Shack. Jade, D*LUX, we'll see you next week...

 

JADE

And we'll see you on the car ride home.

 

LEON

...touché. We're out. Peace.

 

Roll closing credits!

 

LEON (over black screen)

So, did you guys meet Bo~! or what? #SwwEEeeeEeEttTtT hHhOoOOooOoOoMmMmMmMmmmeeeeE AaaaAAAaAaLllllLLlAAAaaaAaBBbBBAaAAaaAaMmMmmMMaAaaaAAa!!!#