HD: COD segment

[King Cucaracha 0]

COLE
Last week, stuff happened. Let's take a look!

[QUOTE]
The audience's good feelings are short lived, and bad vibrations quickly settle in due to Christian Wright reentering the ring. Taking umbrage both to the way the Boiz won this match and their actions from last week, Wright gets in the face of a celebrating Melvin. The two engage in a heated debate, screaming over the noise of the rowdy fans. Not surprisingly Wright manages to claim victory in this little argument. But not through his vast intellect. Rather he scores a win from a devious sucker punch. Melvin recoils for a second, then springs back with a punch of his own. Now their verbal spat has turned into outright physical warfare! But Melvin is soon overwhelmed when Bohemoth inserts himself into the fracas. Irate over the underhanded low blow, The Upstart's heavy hitter punishes his victim with a devastating spine buster!

MELODY
What the hell? Leave my brother alone!

The spectators are livid, and understandably so! Marvin makes a valiant effort to rescue his sibling, actually managing to tackle Wright with a spear! As the fans root him on, he rains punch after punch on Wright's face. The only thing the moral highground can do to defend himself, is cover up until Bohemoth yanks the energetic Sk8r off him. Taking a clump of Marv's hair, Bo readies to unleash his second Erotic Awakening of the night. But a gargantuan pop erupts from the stands as the fans spot Chicks Over Dicks, lacrosse sticks in tow (and a bottle of Jack Daniels in Kris' hand), darting down the ramp!

COLE
Here comes Alix and Krista!

COACH
Look at them bounce! I mean look at them run!

Choosing to avoid a conflict with weapon swinging madwomen, Bo and Christian duck out of the ring with their good health intact. They slowly back up the ramp way, trading ice cold stares with their rampageous archrivals.

“C-O-D! C-O-D! C-O-D!” bleat the fans. Krista and Alix check on the injured twins, as Melody joins them in the ring. After making certain the Boiz are okay, the girls grab microphones.
[/QUOTE]

COLE
But that weren't all oh no!

[QUOTE]
KRISTA
Fine. Okay. Enough of the jokes, enough of the begging. Let me put down Ol Number 7 and let me get serious with you kids. Alix was being sweet, but now Krista's taken over and now the mood's all changed. After what happened last week, I now know that you two are excremental excuses for human beings who's skin would be better used as an overcoat to keep those who actually deserve to live warm during the winter. Understand this, we're gonna find you, we're gonna getcha. We're gonna come to whatever section 8 housing project you sorry asses waste oxygen in and we're gonna drag your rotten carcasses out into the street in the middle of the night and we're gonna tear into you like two dogs caged. And you might not like it if we have to pay you a visit. You might get your door kicked in. You might get your kid napped. You might get your legs broke. You might get your neck snapped. You might get your skull cracked. And you might take your last ride in an ambulance, and you might not make it to see the other side of thirty.

With that warning on their minds, Wright and Bo make their retreat, as COD's music plays over the thunderous roar of the crowd. The Sk8rs and Melody converse with the girls, while the other participants in that less then stellar four way match clear out.
[/QUOTE]

COLE
Krista Isadora Duncan laid down a verbal bitch-slapping on your boys last week Coach, if you don't mind me saying.

COACH
You know, actually, I do mind you saying that because it ain't true. Sure, Krista said some cute stuff and I'm sure she was up all night writing that cute little speech of hers, but it don't matter none. She's just a moderately intelligent woman with an online dictionary in her Favourites folder. Big whoop! When Christian Wright wants to own lil' Ms. Krista orally, he will.

CABOOSE
...

COACH
So to speak.

COLE
Indeed. Well, Christian Wright sure wasn't saying a whole lot last week. Chicks Over Dicks issued a very firm and very clear challenge to Wright and Bohemoth, but if they did accept, we couldn't hear it over the sound of them running for the hills. So let me ask you this Coach...why didn't Christian and Bohemoth accept the challenge? Don't tell me they're running scared of the former Tag Team Champions.

COACH
Scared? Of COD? Bitch, please! Like I say, Krista might talk the talk, but if you think CDub and Bo are afraid of two girls just because they talk tough, you're very much mistaken.

CABOOSE
We'll see in a minute, won't we.

Looking around nervously, Coach seems confused...more than usual.

COACH
Heh...heh, wait a second...what does that mean?

COLE
You didn't get the memo?

COACH
Wha...what memo?

CABOOSE
The one about Chicks Over Dicks calling your bestest buddies out, right about now.

COACH
No, I didn't...

CABOOSE
So you don't know that you're going up there right now to conduct the interview with them either?

COACH
Now hold up...we weren't informed about this! Nobody told the Coach about this!

As Coach goes into panic mode and begs to be spared both the potential danger and assured humiliation of having to interview the Chicks Over Dicks, said chicks over said appendages arrive through the entrance doors to a thunderous ovation! Insert flowery Patty style imagery here, as Krista leads the way for Alix, who for no particular reason skips down the ramp, throwing flower petals from a basket out to the fans. The fans would much rather have money or maybe some Stridex pads thrown at them, but whatever. Krista is in no mood for playing around, although then again when is she, striding down the aisle and into the ring and calling for a microphone. Alix begins to do a lap of the ring meanwhile, realising she's run out of petals halfway around and simply throwing out waves and smiles to all!

CABOOSE
Don't just sit there Coach, you've got two hot women waiting for you here. That doesn't happen to you every decade, make the most of it!

COACH
I...I dunno.

CABOOSE
No, no, go ahead. You've earnt it.

Krista waits patiently for Alix, who isn't related to Krista remember (have to keep reminding myself, see, coz I'm slow and...stuff), to finally give her empty basket to a simple looking gent in the second row wearing a homemade Biff Atlas t-shirt and an oversized afro wig before she slides into the ring. With COD in the ring, all that remains is for our host with the most. Finally finding some courage deep down inside, Coach throws down his headset and storms up the ringsteps.

CABOOSE
Oh, he's dead.

COLE
Mmm hmm.

Entering the ring, Coach contemplates snatching the microphone from Krista, but thinks better of it and grabs his own.

COACH
Alright ladies, you wanted me to conduct this interview...

KRISTA
No. We asked for someone competent.

COACH
Good one. A'ight, let's cut right to the chase, shall we. You can't seriously be doing what I've been told you're doing. We all know that you two are a few lines of cocaine short of a supermodel, but you're surely not stupid enough to be calling out Christian Wright and Bohemoth, are you?

"KICK HIM IN THE NUTS, KRISTA!" shouts one over-zealous fan.

KRISTA
First of all, that was the worst metaphor I've ever heard in my entire long and varied life. So congratulations. Nice attempt to tie in with the subject however. Secondly, Alix is certainly that stupid. That's an universal answer Johnathon, so bear it in mind. Because the next time you think about asking if she's really that stupid, she is. Sticking forks into plug sockets, drinking bleach, dating Leon Rodez, paying money to see the new Pink Panther movie. Did Alix go to see James Blunt in concert? You betcha. Did she get sucked into phoning up and wasting money voting on Dancing With The Stars? Damn skippy. She is that stupid. However, if you think that challenging Christian Wright and Bohemoth to a match or even to walk down and join us in this ring is stupid, then you clearly don't pay a whole lot of attention to this little thing we like to call a wrestling show, despite the fact of course that we're out here talking for the bazzillionth show in a row instead of wrasslin'.

COACH
Hey, I pay plenty of attention! And obviously, I pay more to this situation than you two do. Newsflash girls...you two combined barely weigh the same as Bohemoth. He's a trained bodyguard. Christian is the 2005 Rookie Of The Year!

KRISTA
Oh, I'm sorry, is that little tagline supposed to impress me. Silly me. Here was me thinking that Rookie Of The Year went to wrestlers who are okay and might be good in the future, but aren't the finished article. I must have missed the memo where Rookie Of The Years can match up to me. Maybe times have changed. Maybe ol' Krista's a little set in her ways. Let me tell you a short little story Johnny boy. Lounge yourself up against those ring ropes if you like, I might take a while with this, because we're going back in time. Figuratively you understand. Unfortunately, Alix's home-made time machine didn't do much more than produce ridiculously burnt toast and a number of mild electric shocks which probably didn't do her brainwaves any favours. Let me take you back to junior school Johnathon. Now, for you, the biggest worry you had was probably avoiding the inevitable wedgies and swirleys that came with being Johnathon Coachman. Girls are a different breed, see. We're very image conscious. Not the fat ones, obviously. No offense to any of you in the audience, as I know those COD XXXL t-shirts are still selling like hotcakes and Lard knows I need fatties if my fitness guru status is going to stay intact. But the rest of us are very image conscious. Back in the 5th Grade, these juicy mammaries that you keep staring at weren't quite as full and vuluptious. It's evolution, see. Full of change that only I and that creepy guy that lived at number 24 and had the telescope in his living room saw. I still remember my first training bra Johnny and I remember being so jealous of little Kimmy Simpkins because she didn't have to use as much padding as I did. You could have stuffed cushions with the contents of mine, you could. I couldn't have been more flammable if I was wearing the entire contents of Jim Cornette's wardrobe.

COACH
Is there a point to this story?

KRISTA
There certainly is, Johnno! Every night, I'd look in the mirror and I'd curse that blasted Kimmy Simpkins and her quick acting puberty. I hated Kimmy Simpkins. I felt inferior to Kimmy Simpkins. And then one day...BAM, she walked in front of a tram. So, you see, having the fullest training bra doesn't mean a thing really. Who's getting the love now, me or Kimmy Simpkins, god rest her soul. Being Rookie Of The Year is like filling up your training bra Jo'. Doesn't guarantee you success. And although Christian and Bohemoth are certainly two rather large boobs, if you catch my drift, that doesn't mean they're any match for two well developed women like myself and Alix.

The fans, slightly creeped out by that particular story, applaud Krista sheepishly.

COACH


KRISTA
Whadda you think Coach?

COACH
You wanna know what I think? I think you're nothing but a couple of attention whores!!

"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!"

CABOOSE
Ooh, this is gonna be GOOD!

COACH
When you came back to the OAOAST, you could have joined up with Malibu and his crew, you could have even joined up with The Upstarts. You could be with us. So, you chose neither. So you could have went without incident and got on with things. But, NO. You come out and you badmouth EVERYONE because you wanted attention. Lemme take you back to Climax. You versus mah boiz, The Global Party Exchange. They kicked you from pillar to post. They used you Alix like a punching bag. And a kicking back. And an experimental neck surgery bag. And you came out and you cried and bawled your little eyes out about how horrible it was and how we should feel sorry for poor wickle Alix. You shoulda learnt your lesson by now, girls! But I get the feeling that you wanna face Bo and Christian, you want to get beaten down, you want the sympathy vote from this group of idiots because you want attention. If you thought what Johnny and Scotty did was something, you keep goading The Moral Highground and you'll find out what pain and suffering really is!

Having vented, Coach comes to a heavily-breathing stop...and is shocked to see Alix and Krista exchanging looks that seem to show they're impressed.

ALIX
Wow...Terry Taylor never talks to us like that.

KRISTA
Maybe he values his testicles more than Johnny-boy here.

ALIX
I can see why.

KRISTA
You know, that was a fantastic little straight out of drama school, the world doesn't love me so I have to talk real loud to get noticed, theatrical outburst and that's your T.V time for the month taken care of Coachy, but we're getting off track here. Let Cap'n Krista take hold of the wheel and steer us back on course.

ALIX
Should you be driving? I mean, you're awful drunk.

KRISTA
When has that made a difference?

ALIX
True dat.

KRISTA
Look, we're losing sight of what we're here for. We're here to call somebody out. So let's do this, because we've got something we wanna do. We've got a challenge, all we need is a challenger...so, COME ON DOOOOWWWN!



...



Much to the confusion of the crowd, rather than any rock stylings, the P.A system begins hipping and hopping to the rather vulgar beats of Cassidy's "I'm A Hustla". Krista stands with hands on hips, staring up at the ramp, Alix grooving besides her, as not Christian Wright nor Bohemoth but JAMIE O'HARA makes his way out through those entrance doors of doom!

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

COLE
This is...unexpected.

CABOOSE
You're telling me. Why haven't they torn Coach apart yet?

Jamie jawjacks his way down the ramp, throwing his gangsta gestures to all as he makes his way to ringside. Looking a lot more confident again now, Coach smiles away to himself, as O'Hara vaults to the apron and springboards over the top, doing the splits in mid-air to clear the ropes and still landing on his feet. Coach applauds O'Hara, as he takes the mic from him.

KRISTA
I'm sorry young man, but I think you're a little confused. This isn't the Wade Robson Project, 'homie'. So I suggest you and whoever you've got hiding in those oversized clown pants turn yourself right around and go get Shakespeare and Schwarzenegger.

O'HARA
Yo bitch, step off!

"OOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!"

O'HARA
Look at'chu, out here runnin' yo' mouth an' callin' out CDub and Big Bo. You must be crackers, cracka! You don't wanna throw down with the big boys. You don't wanna be startin' shit with mah boy Coach, he'll crush you like a roach, understands?

ALIX
First of all, cockroaches are actually one of the most resilient creatures on the planet, so your suggestion that Johnathon would crush us in the same manner he would they would suggest he would tread on us and we would keep running around, so he would then grab a heavy impliment from his kitchen and try to bash our brains in but again fail to kill us, so he'd then have to call the exterminators, which would take at least a day or two for them to come out and deal with his problem. And secondly...yo, homie, your shit is whack!

"YYEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!"

ALIX
You don't step to Ron. But he's not here, so I dunno why I said that really, except as set-up. You don't step to K.I.D. And you don't step to Al. Yo dawg, you wanna throw your lines. This is straight ballin' 101, playa! We're straight up gangstas, so you best chill tha hell down my jigga! You don't want non'a dis laffy taffy! This is serious motherfucking e-wrestling! We make big boy noise, we carry big boy toys. YEAH-YUH! Yo, it don't matter none, son. Gettin' all up in our grills...you best be easy, brudda. You musta messed up that pretty lil' dome of yours getting your punk ass whooped by Tha Parka for the past 4 months. WHASSUP!?!

"WHASSUP!"

ALIX
WHASSUP!?!

"WHASSUP!"

ALIX
You're not answering my question people. Repeating my question isn't an answer. Listen, consider and respond. Survey says, WHASSUP!?!

"........"

ALIX
Oh, nevermind.

COACH
You know, this is getting us nowhere. I know you two and I know how you do things. You come out here and ramble on and on and on trying to make yourselves look good and eventually, ten minutes later, you get to the point. Let's cut to the chase here. See, you talk tough before...but now, you're not intimidating the Coach. I've got mah boy out here now! I've got the greatest junior heavyweight in the world. I've got The Birmingham Bad Boy, the straight up hustla, the big J-OH! Girls, look at this situation would ya. The odds aren't in your favour anymore. Before it was one commentator the 'mighty' Chicks Over Dicks. But now...haha...now, there's two of you...

Coach smiles, looking down at his crotch.

COACH
...and FOUR of us! HAHA!

ALIX
Woah! You mean, you both have superfluous second penises? What are the chances, eh Krista?

KRISTA
I think they were referring to balls, actually, my misguided friend. Forgive me for indulging myself in Ebonics 101 for a moment, but Jamie, you claim to be a hustla? Well hustla, I think you're bluffing. We all know why you're here. It's so blatant I could have wrote this script myself simply from my memory of professional wrestling plot devices. If it were possible to get a degree in it and possible to take the test while under the influence of alcohol, I'd have passed that badboy like Lindsay Lohan passes up seconds! We come out and call out the bad guys, but lo and behold, we don't get them! Out comes the hired help. Jamie O'Hara, playing decoy. You attempt to jumble up our frustrations and make us attack you, which I'll admit is mighty tempting currently, and then, Christian Wright and Bohemoth spring out through the crowd like two legged gazels and poor little nice girls, Krista and Alix, get beaten down by the dastardly Upstarts. Well forgive me for being awkward my young friend, but Chicks Over Dicks are nothing if not unorthodox. We don't go by the script. We don't play by the book. We don't imitate, we innovate. So, seeing as you two are evidently proud of your testosterone levels, how about you go back and lend your buddies some of it because we're getting a teensy wincey bit tired of waiting around here having to deal with the C-Team, when what we're waiting for is the B-Team.

O'HARA
The big J-OH don't give a crap how you Chicks Over Dicks do. You gon' find out how SuperJay do, real quick. You gon' be Chicks Under Our Dicks, b'ldat!

Krista wipes a wry smile from her face.

KRISTA
According to your new little theme song, you're a hustla, you're a you're a hustla. Well, the last Hustler who tried something with us ended up with a hefty child support and considerable pain. You're going to experience one of those Jamie, very soon. I'll give you three guesses as to which one, but the first two are like The Global Party Exchange in a math class, they don't count. And, incase you need a clue...



*NUTSHOT!* Krista backhands O'Hara in the junk and The Birmingham Bad Boy goes down into a fetal position, leaving Coach to back into the corner and beg for his pitiful life!

CABOOSE
Yesyesyes!

COLE
I'm so glad my mom is TiVoing this!

Coach continues to beg, as Krista looks around the arena, anticipating the expected Wright/Bohemoth run-in. As yet there's no sign of either former HI-YAH Heavyweight Champion but Krista has her suspicions and is determined not to let her guard down, simply for the sake of beating up a weakling announcer. Trouble is, her lookout means she misses a recovered O'Hara pitching Alix out of the ring!

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

The howls of the fans alert Krista that something's up and around she turns, turning straight into the tumbling O'Hara, as he lands a spin wheel kick to the chest! Krista goes down and promptly Coach stands tall over her, putting on the badmouth. On the outside meanwhile, Alix has HAD IT! Pulling up the ring skirt, Alix goes weapon hunting...but what she finds under the ring apparantly shocks her for some reason as she promptly pulls the ring skirt back down and scuttles back up to the ring apron. Coach spots Alix's chocolate locks first and frantically tells O'Hara to turn around. By the time he reactes though, it's too late, as Alix springs to the top and wipes out The Birmingham Bad Boy with a Springboard Lariat. Coach goes back to begging off, while Alix helps Krista up and informs her that there's something up, under the ring.

CABOOSE
I'm not sure what's going on here, but Coach is still breathing so as far as I'm concerned, it's not good.

Quickly formulating a plan, Krista instructs Alix to go under the ring and Alix, either brave or stupid obliges. Krista also leaves the ring and cautiously reaches for a weapon, pulling out a handy cookie sheet. Hey, why WOULDN'T there be one under the ring? Alix is under the ring now and seconds pass without incident...until suddenly, the womanly yelp of Ms Spezia can be heard from under the ring. The mat begins to shake, as Krista waits, cookie sheet in hand. The ring skirt ripples and Alix scurries out from under the ring like a mouse and hides behind the ring steps. A couple of seconds later, again the ring skirt ripples. And this time, a much less womanly form emerges from the depths of proverbial hell.


Bohemoth!

COLE
Uh-oh...I think The Upstarts have been rumbled!! Bohemoth was under the ring the whole time!!

Scrambling to his feet, Bohemoth stops as he looks around for the elusive Alix. She's not in front of him. Not to the left. Not to the ri...


*PANG!*


Krista nails Bohemoth over the head with the cookie sheet and the hapless bigman collapses to the mats around the ring with his eyes crossed.

"YYEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!"

COLE
I think the plan backfired.

CABOOSE
I guess so.

Gleefully Alix does a little jig over Bohemoth's fallen frame, but Krista quickly grabs her partner in sisterhood by the hand and drags her into the ring. Naturally, Krista assumes that Christian Wright can't be too far behind and she isn't about to play sitting duck. And besides, Coach hasn't been dealt with yet. Clubbing down O'Hara with a hard clothesline, Krista now turns to Coach and grabs the helpless announcer by the collar, dragging him to his feet and preparing to lower da boom...


WRIGHT
HALT! HALT!

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

Krista looks up as the profile of the 2005 Rookie Of The Year magically appears on the AngleTron. Looking very pleased with himself for some reason, Wright smiles into the camera, as Krista spares The Coach.

WRIGHT
Enough, Bo! The time is at hand. Was this sordid little display appeasing you, Ms. Isadora Duncan? Was humiliating a defenceless, innocent young journalist allowing you to exude your frustations towards me? Does viciously attacking said announcer and his closest compadré bring joy to your black, twisted hearts? Was it worth it, as you lie motionless in that ring, decimated at the hands of my monstrous Meterosexual Monster? How does poetic justice treat you now, you vi...

KRISTA
AHEM! AHEM...HEM! Hey, Christian, Krista here.

Eyes widening to the size of saucers, Christian freaks out at the sound of Krista's voice. Christian looks around frantically for the course of the voice and eventually, a good way behind him, a handy stagehand calls him over and suggests he look at a handily placed T.V monitor. Wright does so and is shocked to see the camera at ringside fixed on Bohemoth's KOed body.

KRISTA
You know, this is kinda embarrassing because I know you were really getting into your stride there buddy, but I think you might have misinterpreted what just happened a tiny bit. I take it you weren't watching the monitors? A little presumtious, don't you think? Well, see, here's the thing. Your little plan kinda went boo-boo, thanks to Bo-Bo. See, we did beat up Feminem. Coach is okay, but I think he's in need of a costume change, if you catch my drift. A little more junk in the trunk than before. But, that whole 'we get distracted and then Bohemoth comes out and destroys us both from under the ring' thing didn't really work out for you I'm afraid. It started going wrong when he got smacked in the face with a cookie sheet and it's all been downhill from there I'm afraid, Christian. We're still standing...

ALIX
YEAH YEAH YEAH!

KRISTA
But, don't let that stop you hot stuff, keep those wagons rolling. What were you gonna say next, before you realised Big Bo done screwed up again? Was it something along the lines of now that we're 'beaten down' and 'left bloodied in the ring', you challenge our 'motionless carcasses' to a match at AngleMania, perhaps? Because if it wasn't, you might wanna consider doing a quick Cut, Copy, Paste and making those words your next, now that we've kinda screwed up your Plan A.

Christian is caught in a mixture of fury and despair as he manages to hold back clearly tempting expletives. Taking some deep breaths, Christian calms himself down and turns back to the camera.

WRIGHT
Very well, Isadora Duncan. You continue to intice myself and my associate, hoping to acquire contractual obligations to compete with us, despite the potential risk to your physical well-being? Upon your peroxide filled heads be it!

ALIX
Uhm, I'm not actually blon...

WRIGHT
SILENCE! Enough of your infernal jabbering! You wish to challenge myself and Bohemoth to a contest, then we shall oblige you. We will not do so for your contentment, however, but FOR. YOUR. OWN. GOOD!! Finally, we shall put you Chicks Over Dicks out of your collective miseries. And we shall do it at the most grandious stage of them all, that being AngleMania V. You two foul, contemptable excuses for females will learn your final lesson at Trump Plaza Hotel and Casino and it shall be a painful, humiliating and above all a crushing one. And I wish to impart one last parting message upon you, for you to ponder during your awaitance of our meeting...your continual goading of myself and Bohemoth will not go unforgotten. You have tugged upon the lion's tail once too often. And you have bid good riddance to any lingering gender-related sympathies that I may have had, for I know now that there need be no remorse, for the ends shall justify the means!

Point made, Wright storms off. Back in the ring, Krista smiles up at the now blank AngleTron and nods to herself in contentment, patting Alix on the back before they leave. Meanwhile, Bohemoth is still KOed on the floor, O'Hara beside him trying to bring the bigman back to his senses while Coach tries to give himself an external heart massage.

COLE
Well, how about that? Chicks Over Dicks just one-upped the Upstarts and now it will be Christian Wright and Bohemoth taking on The COD in 10 days time in Atlantic City, New Jersey! And that promises to be a most interesting encounter added to the already interesting card for next Sunday's uber-extravanganza, AngleMania V.

CABOOSE
Why is Coach still breathing?

COLE
Because you touch yourself at night. Next!