King Cucaracha 0 Report post Posted March 30, 2006 Backstage, Leon Rodez is sat and musing. Presumably, his musing is over AngleMania and his Ladder Match which is just three days away...and not his sister and her tag team combination D*LUX, who stand in the room behind him. JADE You okay bro? LEON Yeah I'm fine. JADE Listen, if it's not too much trouble...can I get some advice? You know, about wrestling? LEON Advice...advice...hmm. Well, The OAOAST Tag Team Division is...well, it's...have you ever seen the video for Daft Punk's "Around The World". It's kinda like that. Not that me and Zack really went through the ranks like you guys will, but there's a lot of very 'unique' characters in the division. A few oddballs, you know. ALIX HHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEERRRRREEEE'SSSSS ALLY!! Leon raises an eyebrow, as if to say "well, I did warn you.", as the OAO Alix Maria Spezia pokes her head through the door of the lockerroom. But Alix isn't alone as not just one Chick Over Dick, but two enter the room. Krista Isadora Duncan and Leon exchange a typically icy look as Jade perkily waves at the COD. Alix returns the chirpy gesture and gives her boyfriend a warm hug, while Krista barely acknowledges the wannabee student to her don't wannabee mentor. Instead, her interest is taken by D*LUX who apparantly she hasn't met, despite her 'friendship' with their manager. KRISTA Woah, when did Synth and The Marv have kids and why wasn't the national press informed? JADE Uh, Krista...can I...uh, ask you for some advice? LEON Uhm, ouch? KRISTA Oh don't worry, the moment wickle Jade here ends up with popstar spawn swimming around her belly, I'm sure you'll be the perfect guy to give her advice, but until then you don't worry your little head about unimportant things like being a good role model to your little sister. Grumbling to himself, Leon figures no good can come of trying to talk with Krista around, so takes Alix off to the corner of the locker room for some private time. Meanwhile, Jade tries her best not to look like an over-eager lapdog as she waits for Krista to answer her. KRISTA So, what is it this time? JADE Well, I figured since you're a former World Tag Team Champion and you know all about kicking everyone's ass in the tag team division and stuff...maybe you could give us three a little advice? And stuff? You know...about tag wrestling or something? Cause I've been watching videos and stuff but it's real hard to learn everything so quickly and I've never really managed anything since my poor little bunny rabbit died when I was six because I kept eating all his carrots and lettuce and stuff. KRISTA It's funny you should ask in such a convoluted way. It so happens I have some advice for you. Grab whatever it is you two think passes as wrestling gear and get yourself warmed up, because I 'spoke' to Axel when he told me about my match and in between the threatening and the growling and the snarling, I stopped and let him speak and I got you two a match tonight. JADE You did that for me!? KRISTA Well... JADE Oh, wow, that's so kind Krista, thank you thank you! See, I told you she was real swell guys! Who's it against? KRISTA Well, gee golly little lady, untie that knot in your panties and settle yourself down and I'll tell you! (Krista holds up her hands) I'm sorry. It's just that sound of happiness and sweetness and love and blissful ignorance towards the world around you drills through my brain something rotten. I've tried switching Alix to decaf, I have. Oh how I've tried. All that Diet Dr Pepper she chugs down sends her loopy though. I found a whole pack under her bed once. Don't try it with Vodka, trust me. Really disgusting stuff. And the taste doesn't even mellow after 10 shots like most substances you find around the house do. But, I digress. It just so happens that New Kids On The Block here have earnt themselves a match with my AngleMania opponents, Christian Wright and Bohemoth. What are the chances? Upon hearing that, Leon suddenly peels Alix off of him and storms over. LEON You're kidding me, right? You're getting my sister and her team to do your dirty work? KRISTA Oh, I'm sorry, I assumed this was none of your business. Silly me! LEON Christian and Bohemoth are experienced wrestlers. They've been in the company for near enough a year and they've wrestled some of the biggest names in the OAOAST and you're expecting my sister and her rookie team to beat them? KRISTA Newsflash hot stuff, I didn't make this match, Axel did. Remember him? The GM guy? But let's forget all about that and pile the hate trip on bitter ol' Krista Isadora Duncan, just because she has more faith in your sister than you do. You know, if I had a brother that automatically thought I was gonna fail at everything I did then I'd be pretty depressed with life and raid my parents spirits cabinet, then log myself onto MySpace and look for some buddies to go commit suicide with. Luckily, I don't have that. I just feel sorry for Jade that she's got a brother like you who lacks certain qualities such as commitment and loyalty. Maybe these kids are gonna get their asses handed to them by Christian and Bohemoth. Maybe Bohemoth's such an incompetent clutz that he'll trip up during his entrance and knock himself out on the floor, getting himself counted out. Who knows? Certainly not you, so maybe you should have some faith. Maybe they'll win. Maybe they'll lose. Maybe the match will get called off because JINGUS decides now's the perfect time to sacrifice a flock of sheep to his demon gods in the middle of the ring, causing everyone to run from the arena vomiting. I just hope that Bohemoth doesn't decide to bring any scissors to the ring and try to cut poor little Jade's hair, because God knows her brother won't be around to come to the rescue because he's too busy playing "1998 Redux" with Puerto Rican Lightning and his hombrés. And if we did need some help from these two to deal with CW and Bo, maybe it's because Alix's boyfriend is an unattentive waste of space who can't or more likely won't lift a finger to help her out when she needs him. Just a theory. Krista finishes up on her tirade and takes a gasp of oxygen. LEON ...I'll see you later Al, I've got things to do. ALIX Where you talking to me or Big Al the cameraman, sugar cookie? Because if you were talking about Big Al, we should maybe talk about a seperation. LEON I'll call you later. Giving Alix a peck on the cheek, Leon promptly leaves, which prompts Krista to sulkily grumble to herself that Leon isn't enough of a challenge. D*LUX have in the meantime gone about getting prepped for their match, which is hampered by Alix's chirpy chatter. KRISTA Oh, Jade... JADE Yes Krista? KRISTA If you want some advice for being a manager, then I feel this is best coming from me rather than someone you neither know nor respect, because it's the most vital lesson you'll ever need to know. Men are fickle. I can talk to you from experience, but I doubt you want to fetch me beer after beer all night so I'll spare you. So let me leave it at this. You have assets, so use them. JADE So...like, my wrestling training? Groaning, Krista wipes a hand across her head. KRISTA Look, this goes against everything you'll ever hear me say about women being more than mere sex objects...but, to most men, women are mere sex objects. The good Lord didn't give you those breasts just to feed your offspring with, if you catch my drift. JADE Uhm...you want me to flash people? KRISTA No. But come a step down on the sexploitation ladder and you're home and dry lil' lady. Jade, if I had assets like yours when I was eighteen I wouldn't have worn clothes at all, but apparantly you have some of those pesky morals people always tell me about. So here's the thing. You're a female manager. Instead of being one of those things well and being the other part by virtue, why not be good at both? Take advantage of both sides of that coin. Do all the research, do all the scouting. Be a manager. Stand up for women's rights. Preach to the world about whatever it is you kids care about nowadays like dolphins or a new face for Courtney Love. Take the 50% cut on your team's profits like I told you to... JADE It's 60%, actually. KRISTA Damn, I am good aren't I? Well, whatever, get rich off of them. And when those cheques clear, get yourself out in the stores and buy yourself the most revealing, lowest-cut, slutty tops and shortest skirts you can find and win your team matches. JADE Like, distraction? Gee, I dunno if that's really honourable Kris'. KRISTA That's for God to decide, not me nor you. You don't have to be a slut, just give the impression that you are. You could walk out to that ring in a potato sack and every red-blooded male in that arena is going to undress you with their eyes regardless, so why not make their lives a little easier if it means distracting the men in the ring from their job? So you show some flesh? Is that so bad? Do you wear sweaters on the beach? No. You wear a skimpy string bikini and scream 'hey, hunky guy, stop kicking over that little kid's sandcastle and service me'. I would have thought someone your age would be used to all this by now. What do they teach you in school nowadays? Sex sells. So next time you're feeling worried about something, just close your eyes, click your heels together and say to yourself..."There's no thing like money." "There's no thing like money." "There's no thing like money." JADE I will Krista! KRISTA And if you're planning on actually wearing a bikini to the ring, you might want to borrow one of my fitness videos first. No offence. JADE Uhm...thanks? KRISTA Don't mention it. Good luck tonight, I'll be watching real close. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
