HD: Funtime U.S.A

[King Cucaracha 0]

Funtime U.S.A, Sheepshead Bay, N.Y

Not the usual place you'd expect a limousine to pull up in front of. This is the OAOAST though.

Stepping out of the limo, Leon Rodez is casually dressed but his demeanour is far from casual. Infact, he looks noticeably scatty as he looks up, around, down, unable to properly focus himself as he seems to be in the middle of some sort of moral dillema. Scratching his head, Rodez begins to pace around the front of the building. Behind him, the doors to Funtime open and Charles Robinson sneaks outside, making sure not to be seen, despite the black and white striped referee's shirt that no-one in the wide world would be wearing right now, if not for an alterior reason.

RODEZ
Glad you could make it.

ROBINSON
It's like it says on my calling card, "I'll do anything for 40 bucks". So, are you sure about this?

RODEZ
Not really. But, look, just go with it okay? I think we passed a Dairy Queen on the way, so dinner's on me so long as you don't screw up. I have coupons. This camera guy's gonna have to buy his own though, I'm afraid. Now, let's go over the story one more time so we're clear...

ROBINSON
Okay. I'm here with my nephew and if you come in fancy dress you get in for half price which is why I'm wearing my referee's shirt. 

RODEZ
And the cameraman?

ROBINSON
...uhm...he's my nephew?

RODEZ
Good enough. ALI...C'MON OUT, WE'RE HERE!

Stepping out of the limousine, a blindfolded Alix Maria Spezia stumbles forward a few steps and ends up in Leon's arms. Alix giggles a typically girlish giggle, excited no doubt about her promised surprise, and Leon returns the laugh...albeit it a nervous, guilty laugh. Lil' Naitch looks pensive too, knowing that if Alix suspects anything, he's likely in the frame for some nad-cracking.

ALIX
Oh, you'd think I'd be used to this thing by now.

RODEZ
Uhm, yeah. Let's discuss that later Ali. So, we're here and stuff so, take off the blindfold.

Giggling gleefully once more, Alix reaches behind her head and hurriedly tugs at the blindfold's tie. Of course, she could just lift it off, but that wouldn't be as dramatic. Rodez looks nervous as Ms. Spezia's beaming brown eyes re-adjust to natural light, blinking away the momentary dis-orientation before her eyes lock on her big surprise.

ALIX
Oh...my...God...CHARLES ROBINSON! What are you doing here!?!

ROBINSON
Uh, wha? I'm, uh, I'm...oh God, I'm drawing a...a...wait, what's that thing you draw when you draw a...thing. Uhm, think Charles, think...I'm here...uhm... OH, I remember! I'm wearing my nephew's shirt because it was half price!

ALIX
Aw, that's sweet. What's that big building thing behind you, sweetie? (glances past Charles) IT'S A BUILDING! WOW! Is this my surprise? Is this what you bought me, you bought me a building? A whole entire building? Funtime U.S.A? This is what we flew halfway around the world, drove for five hours and slept in 3 motels for? Oh my god, this is the greatest thing ever! Like, greater than Coke with Lime. [i]You put the Lime in the Coke you nut ya drink it all up[/i]. Oh, Leon, this is great! Not only do I love fun, but I also love the U.S.A! Time I can give or take, but the rest is just super! This is great! Can't you tell I'm happy? Am I not happy enough? Show me affection, please, I have issues! Why are you looking so nervous baby? Are you out of quarters already, because they probably have a quarter machine or something in there.

RODEZ
I'm fine. Just a little jetlagged.

ALIX
Well don't worry about that now because the four of us are going to have just SO much fun! OH, I almost forgot!

Scampering back over to the fancy limousine, Alix routes around the backseat briefly before coming back out with her OAOAST 24/7 Championship draped over her shoulder.

ALIX
Can't go anywhere without this now, can I? C'mon guys, let's go and have a FUN TIME in the U.S.A! See what I did there, I took the words from the name and then I used them in a different way, which is so clever beca...

Entering through the front doors, Alix's voice trails off, leaving a silent Leon outside with arms folded.

ROBINSON
On the plus side, I don't think she suspects anything.


[i][b]*CUT TO:-*[/i][/b]

ALIX
...so just like that I was able to make a new sentence, pretty clever huh?

We are now inside Funtime U.S.A. Alix Maria Spezia has just walked through the door, her rambling voice continuing on downstairs while we are currently on the first floor/balcony type level of the building, overlooking the ground floor. Don't get confused though, as Charles, Leon and camera-man are still outside. The other camera-man is here on other duty. Hidden behind a humming pinball machine against the wall, former 24/7 Champion Mackenzie DeCenzo lies in wait with her muscle-bound, macho man tag team combination, Nutrition's Real Gurus keeping watch. Well, Flex is keeping watch. Biff is playing Virtua Tennis 3, currently getting his Henman handling ass whooped by Jim Courier. Not actually Jim Courier, we couldn't afford him, but the CPU version. The camera-man gives the signal to the trio that Alix has arrived, which brings a sinister smile to Mackie's rouge lips.

MACKENZIE
Ah, the imbecile has landed. Okay guys, this is it. Finally, after 7 long days, my chance at revenge. My chance to recapture the OAOAST 24/7 Championship, the pinnacle achievement of my career. This time, that little bleach strawberry blonde bimbo isn't gonna get away so easily, mark my words. And then I, Mackenzie DeCenzo the First, shall be proclaimed...


*SLAM!*

BIFF
BULLSHIT! THAT WAS ON THE LINE! ON THE LINE! I SAW THE CHALK FLY UP, DAMNIT!

MACKENZIE
Hey, MacEnroe, quit goofing off and listen! And keep the noise down you idiot, she's dumb not deaf! Now listen, here's the plan. When she comes up those stairs I want you both to be ready and waiting to pounce on her like wild, ravenous beasts! It's what we master strategists call an 'ambush'. Oh and Flex, the key to an ambush is the element of surprise. Sneak attacks don't work if you go up to someone's face, reel off some long diatribe and then tip a table over before you do it. Surprise her. Try to blend into your surroundings.

Flex looks down at Biff's hula skirt, curiously.

FLEX
In a kids amusement arcade?

MACKENZIE
Hide behind a machine or something.

FLEX
Won't we look...you know...'shifty'.

MACKENZIE
Two muscular men, one wearing a hula skirt, acting suspiscious in a kids amusement arcade? What could be wrong with that? Just try and look inconspicuous, Alix isn't that smart. Once you've ambushed her, you leave her to me and deal with Rodez. Got me?

Glancing through the bars of the protective barrier at the end of the balcony, Mackie sees Alix beginning to skip merrily up the steps towards the trio and smiles again.

MACKENZIE
Places people, places. *clapclap*


[i][b]*MEANWHILE:-*[/i][/b]

Outside, Leon and Lil' Naitch are still outside the building. Outside. Hesitating, Leon moves towards the entrance but stops himself short with a shake of the head.

RODEZ
I can't do it. She'd never forgive me.

ROBINSON
Not to mention Krista tearing you a new peehole. That could interfere with your daily habituals quite a bit.

RODEZ
No kidding. (groans) Listen, Charles, if we can make this as quick and as painless as possible that'd be fantastic.

ROBINSON
That's exactly what my first girlfriend said to me.

RODEZ
...

ROBINSON
But that was 15 years ago now.

Rodez an eyebrow, PRL style.

ROBINSON
Okay, 15 months. So, you were saying?

RODEZ
This is going to be painful enough as it is, I really don't want Alix to get physically hurt. I mean, she's a chirpy girl and she'll get over any sort of mental hurt like a grazed knee or sitting through an episode of Hope and Faith. But I can't hurt her physically. So, when your time comes to shine, I don't want you across the building playing Skeeball. I want to be in and out of here as fast as possible, kapeesh?

ROBINSON
That exactly what I said to my first girlfriend. Except the kapeesh part. We...didn't really get along.

RODEZ
I guess not.

Fixing his shirt and his hair, Rodez takes a last deep, sombre breath.

RODEZ
Let's do this.

Finally Rodez now enters the building and prepares to do...whatever it is he's preparing to do. But as soon as he gets inside he realises flaw one in his plan. Alix has a mind of her own and has wandered off, in search of some fun...in the U.S.A. Rodez places his hands on his hips and scans the building. A few kids, not many, it's pretty early in the day. Couple of bored looking staff, who could blame them? Charles Robinson, that's a given. Biff Atlas, gorilla pressing a cute looking redhead over his head and threatening to toss her over the balcony.





RODEZ
Crap.


[i][b]*ANOTHER CUT HERE:-*[/i][/b]

ALIX
HELP! HEEEEEEEEEELP! SAVE ME MARIO!

MACKENZIE
BIFF, PUT HER DOWN! I need both of her shoulders attached to her body to win the title, just give her to me.

Nevermind that Biff Atlas might want to be the 24/7 Champion himself, Mackenzie is teh b055~! so the haircare connoisseur carelessly drops Alix and sends her crashing face-first to the hard floor beneath his feet! Alix is spared a 40 foot fall but still ends up in serious pain as her attempts to cushion her fall fails miserably. Rolling onto her back, Alix clutches at her face and if her eyes weren't covered, she'd be relived to see Biff retreating. She wouldn't be relieved to see Mackenzie advancing though, the vengeful former champion grabbing two handfuls of hair and dragging Alix across the abrasive flooring.

ALIX
AH! That hurts! EEK!

MACKENZIE
That's the point dimwit! Now shut up and stop squirming!

ALIX
Why are you doing this to me? OW! All I wanted was a fun time... OUCH! ...in the U.S.A... OOH!

MACKENZIE
You stole my title!

ALIX
You stole my boyfriend Kyle! Oh, wait, that was 8 Simple Rules, nevermind. YEEOUCHEE!

Dragging Alix to a stop, Mackenzie lifts Beverly Hills' favourite prodigal daughter to her feet and with handfuls of hair intact she charges forward and slams the poor Champion's face into a South Park pinball machine, causing it to spew out some vile, lurid catchphrase that really isn't that funny. Kinda like the show. Yep, I said it. Luckily the glass doesn't shatter, but Alix isn't in a state to thank goodness for small mercies. Stumbling backwards, Alix falls back into Mackie's clutches, NRG's spiritual leader hurling her roughly to the floor. Mackenzie is distracted though, as across to her left, another fight has broken out. Looking to defend his girlfriend's honour, Leon Rodez has sprinted upstairs and is now struggling to fight off NRG. Biff and Flex club away at the back of The Silky Smooth One, trying to keep him at bay. However, Rodez is driven on by pride, by honour and mainly by guilt and he soon begins to fight back, landing jabs on each member of NRG in turn. Biff being Biff, Biff soon drops to his knees and begs for mercy, allowing Leon to take the attack to Flex Phillips. Scuffling away, Flex and Leon dissappear into the depths of the arcade, leaving a trailing Charles Robinson to stumble upon a pinfall attempt by Mackenzie on Alix...


1...



But Alix kicks out quickly and wisely scrambles to get away. Mackenzie follows close behind and tries to grab at Miss Spezia's long auburn hair, only to get shrugged off repeatedly. So instead she settles for planting her high heeled shoe in Alix's tight BUTT and barging her forward, with a thump into the side of an arcade machine. A dazed Alix is feeling like a pinball in her own right now, stumbling around aimlessly in a duel attempt to keep her balance and get away. Hot on her heels, Mackenzie clubs Alix in the spine with a forearm. Weakly, Alix drops down to her knees, Mackenzie making her pay for her brief rest by striking her in the head with a buzzsaw kick! Down goes Alix as Mackie now looks to win the title again, rolling AMS over and draping across with a pin...


1...




2...



Kickout!

MACKENZIE
Alright, you wanna drag this out, fine by me! It's not like I have to catch a flight to Australia or anything.

Taking the hair again, Mackenzie drags the squealing Alix around like a disobedient dog and throws her away with destain. Looking around the arcade, vile schemes roll through Mackie's mind, eventually settling on a plan. The former Champion abandons the current Champion briefly and strides over to another one of the machines, ignoring the noise of the hardcore street race on screen. This one happens to be occupied, but Mackie doesn't care about that, taking the poor young teen by the collar and drags him away from the steering wheel in his hand. The boy tries to protest, so Mackie smacks him across the face with a stinging slap before taking Alix and forcibly sitting her down in the driver's seat. Ever the Green Cross Code observer, as she comes to her senses Alix quickly grabs the wheel in front of her and brings the screeching car under control, narrowly avoiding oncoming traffic in the process.

ALIX
Hey, this game's pretty cool.

Like a long-lost Schumacher sibling, Alix gets into the spirit of the game and seems to be doing pretty darned well, crossing the finish line with roaring speed...




...until Mackenzie, drawing herself away from the bitchin' graphics, grabs Alix's head and SLAMS her face into the steering wheel!

"PLEASE..ENTER..NAME!"

Rolling groggily off the seat, blood trickles from the nose of the 24/7 Champion now. Mackenzie smirks at this development before clambering over the plastic seat and dropping across Alix, signalling for Robinson to count...


1...




2...




NUH-UH!

"PLEASE..ENTER..NAME!"

Ignoring the plees of the machine, Mackenzie brings Alix back up and drags her off, looking to cause some more machine related mayhem. Robinson hurries off after them, narrowly avoiding being clattered into as Flex Phillips arrives on the scene, being hurled into the back of the seat shoulder first which causes the plastic to splinter slightly, no doubt worrying the OAOAST's accountants.

"PLEASE..ENTER..NAME!"

RODEZ
Huh...oooh hooo, okay!

"A"


"S"


"S"

RODEZ
Heh heh heh, never gets old.

Rodez goes back to some stompage on Flex...



...but elsewhere, the more important matter of the 24/7 Championship hunt continues. Mackenzie has Alix well at hand now as she drills a knee into her midsection, then grabs the bracelet clad wrist of Miss Spezia and setting her for an irish whip. However, a quick 360 allows Alix to counter the whip and send Mackie forward, clattering spine-first into a Pacman console! Mackenzie slumps against the machine, as Alix regains her bearings and once sure her nose isn't broken she breaks into a...well, not a sprint. More a stuttering stride.

ALIX
WOCKA WOCKA WOCKA WOCKA WOCKA

A clothesline crushes Mackenzie up against the machine once more and drops her to her knees in contorted pain. Not one to rest on her laurels, Alix follows up quickly with a hurried stomp that smushes Mackie's head up against the base of the machine. With DeCenzo now dealt with, Alix looks around in search of her boyfriend...and is shocked to see Flex Phillips with "Lee-Lee" over his shoulder, preparing to powerslam him on the unforgiving floor. So bravely, Alix runs over to her boyfriend's rescue and buries her heel into Flex's crotch, causing his eyes to bug out and his arms to release Rodez. Flex groans and meekly questions God as to why he has been forsaken as he drops to his knees. Showing some nice teamwork, the OAOAST's cutest couple then haul Phillips to his feet and send him flying across the arcade with a double whip. Flex is unable to stop and keeps on running, until finally a buffer stops him. That buffer being a handrail, as Flex crashes and burns in front of the Dance Dance Revolution machine.




And who else is gonna be on a DDR stage other than The Dance Dance Dragon?

Well, maybe Hoff.

Angry that his Combo has been disrupted, The Strong Style Party Animal leans over the handrail and just SMACKS Flex with a forearm that KOs the fitness fanatic. Dragon then goes back to his game, while Alix and Leon regroup.

ALIX
Lee-Lee, are you okay?

RODEZ
I think so...you still have the belt?

ALIX
Yep. I think we should maybe go now? This was a sweet surprise and stuff and it's definately the U.S.A, but it's not that Fun. So, maybe it's Time we went?

RODEZ
Sure. This wasn't a good idea anyway.

Taking his girlfriend by the hand, Leon leads Alix towards the stairs...but she has other ideas.

ALIX
While we're here though...

Alix nods towards the big slide that leads from the second floor to the ground, with a childish grin on her face, which Leon returns in kind.

RODEZ
Meet you downstairs.

ALIX
Yay!

Girlish flee overcomes Miss Spezia as she skips over towards the slide. Leon meanwhile decides to take the stairs, still wrestling with his conscience. But hey, at least Alix is having fun now as she scuttles over to the slide and with the camera-man gratuitously behind her, she sets off. 

ALIX
WHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEE...


...EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE...




...EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE...






...EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!


Hands waving in the air, it's amazing such a simple little ride can give a grown woman so much pleasure (dirty jokes on a postcard), but it does as Alix rides the bumps and skids to a halt. Almost in celebration, Alix jumps up and cheers her safe arrival on the ground...not expecting to be wiped out by a LARIATO~! by Biff Atlas!!!! Quick as a flash, Biff does what any red blooded, slightly creepy, hula skirt wearing muscleman would and dives on top of the half-conscious Alix...



...and despite only being halfway down the slide, Charles starts a counting!

1...



WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEE...


2...




WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEE...




RODEZ BREAKS THE FALL!


RODEZ
Nobody's taking my girl's belt, fool!

ROBINSON
Except you, right Leon?

RODEZ
...shut up!

This momentary conversation between referee and wrestler who isn't actually wrestling because he's in a kids entertainment complex distracts Leon momentarily, allowing Biff to capitalise with an uppercut to the gut. Rodez sprawls backwards and Biff abandons Alix for the moment, following Leon with an attempted clothesline. Leon ducks however, clocking Biff in the jaw with a back elbow and dragging him down with a stunner across the knee, aka The Facial! Biff is snapped back upright by the move and Rodez quickly capitalises with a jab!


A jab!



A jab!



A ja...DUCKED! Biff points to his cranium to show how smart he is, to no-one in particular. But as he turns back around in search of The Silky Smooth One, he eats a big-time Superkick! Down goes Biff, as Leon takes a moment to get to know his assailant.

RODEZ
Why the hell are you wearing a hula skirt?

BIFF
*incoherent mumbling*

RODEZ
Eh, nevermind.

Pulling Biff to his feet, Rodez uses another irish whip to send Biff steaming forwards. The Biffmeister goes clattering into a piece of guardrail and topples up and over, landing hard and audibly on his hip. To his credit, Biff pulls himself quickly back up, but that proves a mistake as Rodez charges forward and SOARS over the rail with a psuedo plancha, wiping Biff out in the process! 

ROBINSON
HOLY CRAP!!

The two men crash backwards and fall against a strength tester, one of those carnival things. Rodez pulls himself up first and swipes the heavy mallet away from a shocked worker as Biff slowly recovers and hauls himself back up. Leon doesn't seem to be concerned with that however, as he looks at the contraption in front of him and decides to show any 7 year old kids who happen to be nearby that he is indeed 'buff'. Wielding the mallet overhead, Rodez aims and swings...


...but detours the target...





...instead NAILING BIFF IN THE CROTCH WITH THE MALLET!!!!!

BIFF
AAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!

Eyes watering, Biff collapses in a heap. Rodez quickly disposes of the mallet and proceeds to go through a quick posedown routine to display that YES he is, indeed, 'buff'. Of course, he's wearing a shirt, but whatever. Posedown over, Rodez now leaves the whimpering Biff to it as he turns around and...


...sees no Alix.

RODEZ
Where'd Alix go?

ROBINSON
She left.

RODEZ
She left?

ROBINSON
She left.

RODEZ
She left!?!

RODEZ
Well, that's not strictly true. She went over to the Food Court and grabbed herself a hot-dog, put some mustard on it and [i]then[/i] she left. Limo just drove off. So, I guess we're walking to Dairy Queen then, are we?

Shocked, Rodez looks around briefly before glancing out the door. Yep, she's gone. So's the limo. Running a hand through his finely gelled hair, disappointment is clear on Leon's face. Surely because he has to walk, right? He had something in the limo, yeah? He wasn't really going to try and win the belt, was he?


RODEZ
DAMNIT!

Oh, nevermind, he was. Okay, on with the show!