King Cucaracha 0 Report post Posted June 1, 2006 COACH Okay, we've put this off for long enough...I wanna see the video. Ned Blanchard paid his money, he deserves to have his opinion heard. CABOOSE That's democracy for you. COLE Do we really have to show this? ... COLE Okay, I'm hearing from our producers that we do. I really want no part of this. [SIZE=5][COLOR=gold]**MACKENZIE DE CENZO PRODUCTIONS** *IN ASSOCIATION WITH THE OAOAST*[/SIZE] -FINANCED BY OUR GOOD FRIEND, AXEL- [SIZE=5]*PROUDLY PRESENT*[/SIZE][/COLOR] [i]*bah, badda bahbahbah baaaaaaahhhhhhh!*[/i] [COLOR=gold][SIZE=7]~~SLAVEHEART~~[/COLOR][/SIZE] -or- [SIZE=5]"FROM JADE TO NEDDY..."[/SIZE] ------------------------------------------------------ -Sunday, May 28th 11:42 PM- If I asked you the last place you'd expect to see a HI-YAH Tag Team Title retaining celebration party, McDonalds might very well be high on your list. But that's exactly where we open as we see The Beverly Hills Blonds and Mackenzie DeCenzo lounged around one of those horrible hard plastic tables, with the rest of the tables virtually deserted. Filmed handcam style, presumably by Simon Singleton, we see Ned Blanchard on the opposite side of the table with the two HI-YAH belts sprawled out on the table. Coming into view, Mackenzie DeCenzo brushes the belts away and sets down the tray, shuffling up beside Simon. BLANCHARD Well, let's see what we have...grilled chicken salad for me. Lovely. Got to keep the diet going, even if we are celebrating. Another chicken salad, that's yours Mackie. And Simon has the Bacon Double Cheeseburger, surprise surprise. No wonder you dragged us here, you're addicted to these damn things. You realise this is two and a half hours on the exercise bike when we get back. Okay uhm, drink, drink, straws...OH, and of course, we have a very special meal for our very special guest. Sliding down the double seat, Ned moves out of the way to reveal Jade Rodez squashed up on one of the Ronald McDonald party area children's tables, doing untold damage to her spine. Cheeks stained with tears, Jade hangs her head sadly, trying to ignore the sniggering from the table beside her as a bag is dumped in front of her. BLANCHARD There we go, one Happy Meal. I hope you like raw carrots. (feigning sadness) And dry up those tears Cookie because I made sure they put the little toy in there especially for you. Now, eat up. Jade chokes back some more tears, determine not to give the patronising Ned the satisfaction. SIMON (off camera) So Ned, how about some words about the win for all our fans? BLANCHARD (turning back around) Words, words...well, what can I say really? The Beverly Hills Blonds remain undefeated and now begins a month of celebration. I can't wait, I really can't. But you know Simon, beneath this confident facade lies both worry and anxiety. I honestly don't know how I'm going to last the month. Good stamina is the calling card of a successful athlete but even a man like Ned Blanchard has his doubts. Hence the salad. We should really draw up a rotar. OAOAST commitments, general chores, extra-curricular activities, more general chores, sex sessions. SIMON (off camera) Is that legal? BLANCHARD Relax, I'm kidding. Checking Jade isn't listening, Ned leans in towards Simon. BLANCHARD (whispering) I'm not kidding. ------------------------------------------------------ -Tuesday May 2nd 2:14 PM- Flash cut to Ned Blanchard's flash bachelor pad in West L.A, which unlike most bachelor pads is actually clean. Then again, most bachelors don't have their very own slave. The camera pans around the living room to take in all the sights...the red leather couchette, the zebra print rug sat underneath the glass coffee table, the large plasma screen T.V on the wall. Oh, and the pictures on the mantle. One of a typically sour faced Krista Isadora Duncan with her arm around The Handsome Hustler at what seems to be the gates into Disneyland, one publicity photo of HollyWood and one picture of Ned's daughter Maya. Okay, tell a lie. It's Maya's ear and left arm posed off to the side of Nicole Ritchie. We pan around again to Ned Blanchard sat in his leather armchair wearing just a dark blue dressing gown and a pair of boxer shorts. Let's not go into detail. SIMON (off camera) So, how's the feeling out process been going then Ned? BLANCHARD Heh...'feeling out'. SIMON (off camera) I know, I planned it out. 'Networking' didn't seem as dirty, so I cut it. BLANCHARD Good move. SIMON (off camera) So? I tell you, you do look tired. BLANCHARD Well, the bad news is that I've had the lawyers on the phone and basically, slavery only goes so far. You'd think the government would have better things to debate than the legal rights of slaves. I don't know. Suffice to say I can't do certain things without permission. SIMON (off camera) *tuts* This country. BLANCHARD I know. But the law doesn't prohibit me from getting her to give me sponge baths. I've never been so clean. We're working out the more intimate stuff with the lawyers, but until then, as you can see the house is looking spotless. Mama Rodez, if you're watching this I want to compliment you because you taught your daughter well. She can cook, she can clean. She looks great in a French maid's outfit. I'm not sure if that's your doing but either way, I do congratulate you. SIMON (off camera) So, where's the lucky lady right now? BLANCHARD Knocking me up some lunch as we speak. Barefoot, naturally. SIMON (off camera) You're a man's man Ned Blanchard, a man's man. You think she can fix me up with something? BLANCHARD Sure...after all, there's nothing against the law about forcing her to cook for me. Well, nothing that'll see me locked up and the key thrown away at least. Wrestling contracts are wonderful things, they transcend the law to certain points that open up wonderful doors. Tell her I sent you and she'll make you whatever your heart desires. The camera and Singleton goes to leave, but Ned holds him off with a hand. BLANCHARD By the way, I got Jade to oil the hinges on the bathroom door. She usually showers about nine, half nine in the morning. SIMON (off camera) Gotcha. ------------------------------------------------------ -Tuesday May 2nd 2:18 PM- [b]*BONUS FOOTAGE*[/b] SIMON (off camera) So that's steak, medium-rare, with peppercorn sauce. Oh and while you're waiting for it to cook, I want you to sing "Sex Bomb" by Elton John. And dance. JADE Sure thing, Ned...oh, WAIT, you're not Ned and I don't have to do jack for you. Simon presumably doesn't appreciate this backchat and begins to answer back, when suddenly the kitchen door swings open to reveal Mackenzie DeCenzo. In her arms is a small (as if there's any other type) chihuahua, wearing a plaid coat and bonnet. Yeah, I know. She's Hollywood baby. The place, that is. MACKENZIE Oh, hi Jade, busy cooking are we? Good to see. I'll have some of whatever Ned's having. And open up a bottle of wine while you're there would you, I've got some good news. SIMON (off camera) Yeah? MACKENZIE I just got back from head offices and the t-shirt deal looks very prosperous indeed. So, the wine? SIMON (off camera) Oh, she only does jobs for Ned apparantly. Mackenzie snarls a little, as Jade turns to face them defiantly. MACKENZIE Really? Well, I own Ned's contract which makes me just as entitled to anything he's earnt as he is. T-shirt sales, financial bonuses, any slaves he might have won by beating upshot nobody tag teams. So, I suggest you grab the corkscrew. And open up and expensive one wouldya, because this is very, very good news. Now, I'm going to leave Honey in here with you. Try not to step either of your chubby hamhawks down on her because she's a very precious dog... (brings dog up to her face) ...aren't you? Yesyouare, ohyesyouare you'realittlecutiepieyouare! Realising there's a camera in her face, Mackenzie slowly moves the dog away from her face and refinds her place in the real world. MACKENZIE Just so you know, Honey's got a bit of a dodgy stomach and she's prone to vomiting. So, I'm going to need you to trail her around and if she leaves you any treats, try to clean them up before they make too much of a stink. Now, are we understood, or should I get Ned in here to 'explain'? JADE ...no maam. MACKENZIE Good girl. Setting down 'Honey', Mackenzie pats the dog on the head before going back out of the kitchen, merrily whistling away. Ever the astute cameraman, Simon makes sure to get the emotional shot of Jade sadly wiping a tear from her eye and reaching for the wine cooler before he too leaves. ------------------------------------------------------ -Wednesday, May 31st 10:52 AM- [i]"And two and stretch, And three and jump, C'mon, work those thighs!"[/i] Changing things up, we get a voyeuristic shot of the Blanchard living room as The Handsome Hustler is busy going through his daily workout routine. Adjusting his headband, Blanchard is sweating pretty heavily as he exhales and leans over the couch. Pointing a finger to the T.V Ned then gives a signal...which is when we first see Jade Rodez stepping into view. Looking noteably uncomfortable, Jade positions herself in front of the T.V while Ned grabs the remote and fast-forwards his fitness video. SIMON (off camera) Oh yeah, give me something to work with Neddy... Settling on the right part of the video, Ned presses play and sits himself down on the couch behind Jade. Whether she's noticed the camera or not isn't clear, but under duress, Jade joins in the workout. Stuck in a pink leotard that is admitedly a little too tight for her, Jade does a couple of star jumps, before we finally find out what's going on. [i]"Okay now ladies, touch those toes..."[/i] Jade doesn't, turning around awkwardly to Ned who signals for Jade to get on with it. And she does, giving Ned and Simon the perfect view of Jade's behind. SIMON (off camera) Ned Blanchard you're a God. Making no secret about his intentions Ned leans forward to get a closer look, ignoring Jade's obvious discomfort at being perved over as he gives the big thumbs up to Simon and the camera. At that point though, the camera moves, as Mackenzie DeCenzo pulls Simon away from the ajar door and looks to see what's going on. MACKENZIE Good God, would you look at the cellulite on those thighs. SIMON (off camera) Looks okay to me. MACKENZIE You two disgust me sometimes, you realise that? Disgusting. Remind me never to change in the same building as you ever again. SIMON (off camera) Bolting the stable door when the horse is already out I'm afraid... Mackenzie glares at the camera. SIMON (off camera) ...uhm, kidding! MACKENZIE You'd better be. (looks back into the room) Oh God...you'd best turn that thing off. SIMON (off camera) He's not, is he? Looking nautious, Mackenzie nods. SIMON (off camera) ...he's my hero. MACKENZIE Ugh. ------------------------------------------------------ -Thursday, June 1st 8:04 AM- Stood on his porch, Ned Blanchard looks into the Los Angeles sky wistfully as birds twitter away in the background. SIMON (off camera) Ned Blanchard, it's been three days and I have to say you're looking a very happy man. So, a summary for the people? BLANCHARD Well, I'm hanging in there. These stupid rules and regulations I've had to put in the contract about no prolonged physical contact without consent...really beginning to get to me, Simon, I don't mind telling you. It's a tease is all it is. A tease. So I'm having to pick my spots a little more carefully. Probably for the best, there's no telling how quickly I'd have got sick of her with no boundaries. The fun of the chase Simon, the fun of the chase. SIMON (off camera) Why do you always get philosophical around birds? BLANCHARD They sooth me. SIMON (off camera) Fair enough. Sighing, Ned turns away from the sky and back to the camera, still lounged up on the rail behind him. SIMON (off camera) You know, this could be a running thing with the camera. I'm pretty good at it. Just need a name, like 'The SiCam'. BLANCHARD Yeah, yeah, very good. Listen, we need to be getting away if we're going to make it to HeldDOWN~! on time so stick this on the end of what you've edited together and get it on a VHS. I want people to be seeing my face as I say these words. A camera's useless without an audience Simon. SIMON (off camera) True. Listen...can I sit in the back with Jade today? Just for a change. And by the way, I got a good upskirt of that blonde number last night while we were at that bar. Lighting was a little dim, but it's on the Director's Cut just incase. BLANCHARD You've done a good job with this video diary thing, so consider it done. You're a good friend and a beautiful man. The Beverly Hills Blonds embrace on the front porch, prompting a young child cycling by on his paper round to scream out "Brokeback Mountain" as he passes. Ned and Simon don't seem to hear as they break up their embrace and shake hands, before the feed finally cuts. ------------------------------------------------------ [i]-CREDITS- [b]Starring...[/b] "The Handsome Hustler" Ned Blanchard "Business Consultant" Mackenzie DeCenzo and Jade Rodez [b]Head Cameraman[/b] Simon Singleton [b]Assistant to Mr. Blanchard[/b] Jade Rodez [b]Mr. Blanchard Wardrobe Courtesy of[/b] Somewhere Very Expensive [b]Directed by[/b] Simon Singleton [b]Based on an Original Idea by[/b] Ned Blanchard[/i] "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" COLE I...I feel sick. COACH When I grow up, I wanna be Ned Blanchard. No kidding, the guy's a stud. Fantastic! COLE Let's...let's go to something else...please. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
