Win of Nots with Thread being Storms

[Angel_Grace_Blue 0]

So, yeah, this is The New Doomtopians' match. Comments from anyone, even a dead lobster (But no fucking giant isopods. They can go to fucking hell forever to the extreme.) would be much apricotted. lollerz. Here is an interesting tidbit: Former world champions are good writers. Another tidbit: Multi-time losers in world title matches and their recently animate lawn gnomes, eh, not so much. lolz.

 

Oh, yeah, one more thing before the match beginulates: I know I probably overused the Wilhelm scream joke, but I'm stupid like that. wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

 

----

 

SWF Storm returns after a commercial for SPARTAN-chow, "You've already spent millions of dolllars on your enhanced super-soldier, so why would you skimp on quality food? If it's not SPARTAN-chow, you might get your spine removed," to an ear-piercing shriek from Private Mike Wilhelm.

 

"OH GOD, SOMETHING JUST EXPLODED!" Wilhelm screams.

 

"That guy is really starting to piss me off," Mak Francis says.

 

"No shit. Anytime something happens, this guy's got to yell like a little girl. He hasn't even been shot yet," the Suicide King points out.

 

"Speaking of shots, Tom Flesher and Charlie Matthews have a tag title shot against The New Doomtopians, and it's coming up next!" the Franchise exclaims.

 

As the battle rages on around the ring, Led Zeppelin's "Kashmir" can be heard. An explosion of blue pyro at the corridor leading to the officer's quarters is dwarfed by half a dozen grenades going off on the other side of the ring, but James Matheson walks out anyway.

 

"Ladies and gentlemen, what you are about to witness is going to be nothing short of a slaughter! The beating that Charlie Matthews and Tom Flesher will administer to The New Doomtopians will make this little skirmish seem like a school yard shoving match! In fact..." Matheson trails off mid-spiel as he notices a significant lack of fans.

 

"EVERYONE IS FIGHTING! EXCEPT ME! I'M A LIABILITY BECAUSE I SCREAM TOO MUCH!" Pvt. Wilhelm announces.

 

"Tom's going to be pissed..." James mutters. "Anyway, back to the matter at hand, that, of course, being the utter destruction of The New Doomtopians at the hands of the future tag team champions, Tom Flesher and Charlie Matthews!"

 

"BOO! YOU GUYS SUCK!" Wilhelm yells over the gunfire and death knells of human and Covenant forces alike.

 

Charlie 'Grappler' Matthews and 'the Superior One', Tom Flesher make their way out, and Tom is visibly angry at performing in front of a single person. 'Grappler' wipes his boots off, climbs up the steps and into the ring. Flesher takes a bit more time, allowing Matheson to slip him some last second advice (And perhaps something else) as Tom is removing his warmup suit. 'The Superior One' slides into the ring and waits for the match to begin.

 

"I think the edge in this match goes to Flesher and Matthews," Francis begins.

 

"Oh definitely! Not only are both former World champions, but Tom Flesher has a singles victory over the better member of The New Doomtopians, Jimmy the Doom," King states, cutting off Mak.

 

"Add in the fact that both Tom and Charlie are former tag champs, albeit with different partners, and Jimmy the Doom's recently acquired Hardcore title as the only single's gold betwixt the Doomtopians, and the deck is stacked so highly in the challengers' favor that the only card The New Doomtopians can hope to pull is the one that lists hand strengths," Mak adds.

 

"Wait, what? Oh, yeah. That kind of didn't make sense, but then it did. If that makes sense to you."

 

The lights turn orange and Incredibad's "Just 2 Guyz" strikes up over the speakers, replacing "Kashmir". The hulking mass of the Doomtopian Destroyer is first to appear, and like just about everything else, it illicts a reaction from Wilhelm.

 

"PLEASE DON'T PUNCH MY FACE!" the private pleads.

 

Just behind comes Jimmy the Doom, a cast-iron pot on his head serving as a makeshift helmet. And behind him, in her proper place, is Lois the Unethical, three title belts balance precariously on her head.

 

"Ladies and gentlemen! Fine, Private Mike Wilhelm! Private Mike Wilhelm! As mentioned by that bag of douche, James Matheson, this match is scheduled for one fall and is for the tag team titles! The challengers have already been introduced, so on to the champions! They are being accompanied by Lois the Unethical, and both men hail from Doomopolis, Doomtopia! At a combined weight of five hundred, fifteen pounds, the Doomtopian Destroyer and the current Hardcore Gamers champion, Jimmy the Doom, they are The New Doomtopians!" Funyon shouts.

 

"YES! I LOVE THOSE GUYS!"

 

"Can I shoot him?" Francis begs.

 

"No, because that would mean that I can't shoot him," King replies.

 

Lois hands the tag titles off to referee Christopher Becker, who holds them aloft, demonstrating what is at stake tonight. Lois then gives the Hardcore strap to Funyon before grabbing a fifty caliber machinegun and going off to join the fight. Jimmy points at Flesher, indicating who he'd like to start the match, but Tom smirks and exits the ring. Gritting his teeth, the Straight-Bread Sensation looks to square off against Charlie Matthews. Becker checks both men for hidden objects, but finds nothing on either man, so he calls for the bell.

 

DING! DING! DING!

 

'Grappler' looks to circle, but Jimmy is having none of that and pops him with a shotei. Charlies shakes off the blow, but gets smacked with a kick to the chest.

 

"Hey, Doom! I know you don't like sandwiches, but what about soup?" Matheson yells, trying to distract Jimmy.

 

The Straight-Breader glances at the obnoxious manager before swiping at Matthews with a left hook, but missing.

 

"Of course, to make a good soup, you need some soup bones! Charlie knows about soup bones, don't you, Charlie?" James continues.

 

'Grappler' nods while the lanky Doomtopian keeps moving, pretty confident he's going to be tricked.

 

"Only two places to put soup bones. Charlie, show Jimmy the first place you put a soup bone!" Matheson shouts.

 

Doom snaps back to look at Matthews as a meaty fist nails him in the mouth.

 

"Once it hits the mouth, a soup bone has one more destination. Teach him where soup bones go, Charlie!" James orders.

 

While trying to shake off the unexpected jab, Doom finds himself on the receiving end of a vicious gut punch. Jimmy reels back, trying to catch his breath.

 

"I guess he doesn't like soup, either. Charlie, why don't you cleanse his palate for him?"

 

Matthews obliges his manager and bitch slaps Doom.

 

"That's no good, Charlie! The taste still lingers. Really cleanse his palate!"

 

'Grappler' nods and back hands Jimmy, sending the double champion to one knee. Matthews pulls Jimmy to a vertical base and stretches his arms, ready to hug his opponent like a bear. Doom regains his composure in time to wrap up Charlie with a pair of belly to belly armbars. Jimmy leans back and then drives forward, smashing his head into 'Grappler's' face. The Straight-Bread Sensation lands another headbutt, and goes for a third, but Matthews simply overpowers the Doomtopian and trips him to the mat. Charlie slips free of Doom's grip and climbs to his feet. Jimmy stands moments later and is whipped to the ropes. Matthews scoops Doom up and plants him with an inverted atomic drop. 'Grappler' quickly snakes his arms around the Straight-Breader's chest and clenches hands.

 

"And it's bear hug time. That might be a record time for Matthews," Mak says.

 

"And it's going to be record time when he and Tom Flesher take the tag titles from The New Doomtopians," King states.

 

"YOU ARE VERY BORING! CHARLIE MATTHEWS, YOU ARE BORING ME!" Wilhelm yells at 'Grappler', who does not care.

 

Matthews lifts Jimmy off the mat and drops him with another inverted atomic drop, potentially ruining any hopes of having children Doom might have had. At least for tonight. Charlie delivers a third atomic drop and sets in to sap Jimmy's strength away. On his tip toes, Chris Becker asks if Doom wants to give up. The Straight-Bread Sensation remains silent, and instead lets a jab to Charlie's throat speak for him. Because that was an action, and they speak louder than words. Not to mention that Jimmy's a dirty, stupid foreigner and can't even speak English correctly. 'Grappler' drops the Doomtopian, and with one hand clutching his throat, begins throwing wild punches for Jimmy's head. A few manage to connect, driving Doom backwards. Charlie gives chase and Jimmy manages to dodge a big overhand right that sends Matthews off balance. The Doomtopian grabs his opponent by the arm and hurls him into The New Doomtopians' corner.

 

"Wow. That Hand of Doom really pissed Matthews off, and understandably so. I know I'd probably start swinging on someone that tried to mess with my neck, and throw in the fact that this is a wrestling match, and that doesn't bode well for Jimmy the Doom," Mak says as King slowly lowers a blackjack previously aimed at the Franchise's neck.

 

"I agree totally. Matthews should kick Jimmy's teeth down his throat."

 

Back arched in pain from the collission with the turnbuckles, 'Grappler' begins walking out of the corner, but a black gloved hand grabs him by the hair and yanks back, tweaking his fragile neck. The Doomstroyer lands a crisp right cross to the back of Charlie's head, sending him stumbling from the corner. However, he stumbles right into Doom, who sends him back to the buckles with a double palm strike to the chest. The Doomtopian Destroyer grabs Matthews by the head and pulls, then lands another big right hand. 'Grappler' staggers out, but Jimmy sends him back to the corner with a low front kick that's more shove than strike. The Destroyer grabs hold of Matthews yet again, and as he yanks back, Flesher appears to have had enough. Tom climbs inside the ring, but goes no further as he reaches inside his left kickpad. 'The Superior One' pulls out a small cube that he unwraps, revealing pool cue chalk. Tom chalks up his right thumb, dusting it lightly, tosses the cube to Matheson and stalks towards Jimmy the Doom.

 

"Why the hell did Tom just chalk up his thumb?" Mak wonders.

 

"Just watch, and then I'll explain it to you," King says.

 

Flesher taps the Straight-Breader on the shoulder, spins him around, and nails him with a thumb to the eye. Jimmy backs up, both hands clutching his afflicted eye as Charlie Matthews falls into Tom's arms.

 

"OH NO! I THINK HE HAS CHALK IN HIS EYE! THAT CAN'T BE GOOD!" Wilhelm screams.

 

"Now, see, without the chalk applied, Tom's thumb might have slipped off Jimmy the Doom's eye too early to do much damage, and I doubt Flesher's nails are long enough to cause significant scratching had that happened. Now, either Stephens kid is another story," King says.

 

"I don't know, King. I'd think Mike has longer and more well-managed nails than his sister."

 

Chris Becker orders Tom back to his corner, and to leave Matthews in the middle of the ring. Jimmy manages to clear his vision, picks 'Grappler' off the mat, and shoves him towards Flesher.

 

"I think this is a bad move on Jimmy the Doom's part. Charlie Matthews has taken a lot of punishment so far, pretty much all of it to the head and neck, while all Tom Flesher has done was thumb Doom in the eye. He hasn't even thought about breaking a sweat yet," Francis says.

 

"Well, Doom is a stupid foreigner, and he's mad at Flesher for making him eat a sandwich. Kind of moronic, because not only is Tom Flesher a great wrestler and beats just about everyone he faces, and the sandwich looked pretty good," King notes.

 

Tom reaches out and tags the dazed 'Grappler'. Flesher offers a gentlemanly handshake that Doom accepts, only to get pulled in and thumbed in the eye.

 

"MORE CHALK! THAT SERIOUSLY CANNOT BE GOOD FOR HIS VISION, BOTH IN THE SHORT TERM OF THIS CURRENT MATCH, AND THE LONG TERM OF HIS LATER LIFE!" Pvt. Wilhelm screeches.

 

Becker seems to agree and admonishes Tom. Flesher apologizes profusely to the zebra, and in an act of good faith, holds out both hands for a test of strength. Jimmy laces fingers with 'the Superior One', who turns his wrists and jabs both thumbs in Doom's eyeballs. Christopher yells at Tom a second time and gives the Straight-Bread Sensation a brief respite. Eyes still watering, Jimmy turns to face Flesher, who has his arms stretched out. Doom does the same and walks forward to engage Tom in a traditional collar and elbow tie-up, but 'the Superior One' dives forward, planting the soles of his feet in Jimmy's crotch.

 

"Tom is just toying with Jimmy the Doom tonight, and frankly, it's starting to piss me off. If Flesher wants to prove that he still is superior, he should do it on the mat with legitimate holds, not eye pokes and low blows," the Franchise grumbles.

 

"Oh come on, Crippy! This is great! It's like a cat batting a mouse around, just waiting to devour it. I said something earlier about winning the titles in record time, but I think I like this much, much better. I wonder if there are any soft pretzels left," King muses.

 

Becker grabs Tom by the shoulders and rants about disqualification, but Chris is shrugged off as Doom is slowly rising to his feet. Jimmy quickly extends forward, landing a jab to Tom's chest. The Doomtopian fires off a swift combination of body shots that Tom absorbs and retaliates with a shotei to the nose. The Straight-Bread Sensation takes a few steps back then fires off a spin kick for Tom's head. 'The Superior One' manages to avoid it, mostly thanks to being out of range rather than his own inherent quickness, which he puts to use in rushing an off balance Doom. Flesher snares Jimmy in a cobra clutch and fires off kick after kick to the Straight-Breader's calves, in an effort to take him down.

 

"Tom's halfway to having the King Cobra locked in! If he manages to sink it, it'll be up to the Doomtopian Destroyer to save Jimmy, because there is no way Doom can get out of it by himself," Mak says.

 

"Well, it was fun while it lasted, but there's a war going on, and this thing might explode, so let's wrap it up," King states and he begins gathering up his note cards.

 

Slowly, Flesher forces Jimmy down to one knee, then to a full kneeling position, which is enough for Tom to slap on some body scissors and take Doom to the mat. Chris (Or maybe Chirs, the world may never know) Becker drops down to ask if the Straight-Bread Sensation would like to submit, but all he can hear is gurgled mumbling that doesn't sound like a yes, so the match continues.

 

"Just give up already, you jackass!" King shouts.

 

"QUICK, DOOMTOPIAN DESTROYER, SAVE JIMMY THE DOOM, BECAUSE TOM IS A DICK AND A JERK, AND I'LL BE REALLY PISSED IF HE WINS!" Wilhelm exclaims.

 

The Doomstroyer climbs into the ring and Becker tries to cut him off. However, Chris is a small referee, and the Doomtopian is a large Destroyer, and the man with the striped shirt is bypassed. The thick-necked man wearing a singlet is not bypassed, but instead kicked in the head, forcing him to release the gangly man in the horrible clothes. The fashion critique over, Tom gets to his feet and gets punched in the chest. Flesher presses forward, only to catch another punch to the torso. 'The Superior One' continues to wade through the blows and throws a thumb for the general direction of the Doomstroyer's eyes. Christopher Becker wraps his arms around the Destroyer's waist and pulls him back to his team's corner. Jimmy the Doom pushes himself to all fours and crawls towards Tom, who is still facing the Doomstroyer. The Straight-Bread Sensation reaches up and yanks Flesher to the mat with a cradle. Becker wheels around and counts the pin attempt.

 

ONE!

 

 

 

 

TW-No!

 

"And Flesher gets a shoulder up. Not that surprising since Tom really hasn't been hit with anything major yet," Mak points out.

 

"I hope Tom pops a few joints for that cradle. Jimmy the Doom showed a complete lack of respect by using it," King states.

 

"How? How can using a cradle be disrespectful?" Francis asks.

 

"Because Tom, and to a slightly lesser extent, 'Grappler', is a technical wizard, and Doom is not. It's degrading and it sullies Tom's good name. You don't see him trying to be a martial artist or anything, do you?" the Suicide King inquires.

 

"Well, no. It's not Flesher's style to do that," Mak says.

 

"Exactly! He doesn't do that kind of crap because he knows Jimmy the Doom uses it, and it's also stupid."

 

"That makes absolutely zero sense," Francis states.

 

"How does my argument equal negative four hundred, sixty degrees Fahrenheit? You've gone crazy, Max," King replies.

 

"It's Mak. Mak Francis," Mak points out.

 

"Sure it is, Max."

 

"I really want to hit you in the brain."

 

Jimmy gets to his feet, pulls Tom off the mat and whips him into the ropes. Doom gives chase and leaps, clocking him with a front kick to the face. 'The Superior One' goes down like a sack of frozen wings (He is from Buffalo, after all), but doesn't take long to recover. Jimmy is dead set against that happening, though, and he drags Flesher to The New Doomtopians' corner. The Straight-Bread Sensation tags the Doomstroyer into the match, and Doom holds Tom's arms back from outside the ring. The Destroyer measures Flesher up and nails him with a punch to the sternum. The Doomtopian Destroyer cocks his fist back again and slams it into Tom's stomach. Becker orders Jimmy to release 'the Superior One', and the Hardcore champ is quick to oblige. Flesher takes a few steps out and is snatched by the Destroyer. The Doomstroyer blasts Tom in the liver, then the pancreas, and finally the gall bladder. Winded, Tom hunches over while the big Doomtopian slips behind him and fires off a combination of blows to both of Tom's kidneys.

 

"I haven't seen a man hammer on organs like that since Gallagher smashed a baby grand piano with his mallet," Francis says.

 

"You went to a Gallagher show? You lose at life, man," King notes.

 

"Screw you, man, Gallagher is funny!"

 

"Maybe twenty-five years ago," the Heartbreaker points out.

 

Chris Becker warns the Doomstroyer about his use of closed fists, which the Doomtopian promptly ignores as he nails Tom in the back of the head. The Destroyer lifts Tom off his feet and drops him chest-first across his knee. Jimmy scampers up to the top rope and the Doomtopian Destroyer flips 'the Superior One' over. The Straight-Bread Sensation leaps off, driving his forehead into Tom's chest.

 

"The New Doomtopians are really attacking Tom Flesher's upperbody, and if he were the old head-dropping Tom, I'd understand that, but he really doesn't need too much strength to lock in a submission," Francis says.

 

"This is funny. Those idiots are trying to soften him up for the Hava Nagila, and they actually think they have a chance of hitting it!" King roars uproariously.

 

"With the way things are going, they just might land it and win this match," Mak points out.

 

"Puh-lease, Francis. Just you wait, Tom and Graps are going to crack some Doomtopian skulls," King predicts.

 

The Doomstroyer shoves Flesher off his knee, waits for Jimmy to exit the ring, then tags Doom back into the match. The Straight-Breader pulls Tom up, cranks on an arm wringer, and snaps off a hook kick to the chest. Jimmy drops down to cover 'the Superior One', but before Chris Becker can start the count, James Matheson climbs on the ring apron and begins yelling shrilly. Charlie Matthews climbs inside the ring, stalks the Straight-Bread Sensation, and drops a double axhandle on the back of his head. Doom rolls over and pops to his feet to find 'Grappler' dragging Tom to his own corner. Jimmy gives chase, but Matheson stops him in his tracks as he flings his briefcase at Doom's head. The metal box flies over the Doomtopian's head, striking Private Wilhelm in the head, but it gets his attention, and James Matheson soon finds an angry Straight-Breader breathing down his neck. Matheson's face is saved an impromptu rearranging via the sound of two hands slapping. Becker whips around and acknowledges the tag between Flesher and Matthews. Chris forces the wily manager off the apron as 'Grappler' plods towards Doom.

 

"Finally! Tear him apart, Charlie!" King shouts encouragingly.

 

The Straight-Bread Sensation rushes to meet the man mountain from Missouri, and Jimmy forces him to the mat with a STO. Doom shifts his position slightly and locks his hands together, trapping Matthews in a choke hold.

 

"Arm triangle from Doom! We've seen that from the Doomtopian Destroyer on several occassions, and it looks like he taught it to Jimmy the Doom! This could win the match for The New Doomtopians, because Charlie Matthews is flat on his back and Tom Flesher looks pretty roughed up," Mak notes.

 

"Well, it's not like 'Grappler' is a turtle, so being on his back shouldn't matter all that much. Additionally, Charlie Matthews is a sound technician, hence the previously mentioned nickname of 'Grappler.' And finally, Tom Flesher is one of the toughest men in this federation, so he won't be down for long," King points out.

 

Christopher Becker drops to his knees to see if Matthews wants to submit or is knocked out, but 'Grappler' is fully awake and in no mood to give up just yet. Jimmy the Doom squeezes tighter and tighter, forcing Charlie's own arm to cut deeper and deeper into his own neck, blocking off Matthews' head from the rest of his body. Just like the Doomstroyer, the Straight-Bread Sensation wrenches on the hold. And just like previous victims, Charlie Matthews begins to fade. However, unlike other people trapped in the arm triangle, Matthews has a library of technical knowledge and enormous reserves of power to use that knowledge. Perhaps most important of all, the Doomstroyer is not the one applying this hold, but the weaker Jimmy the Doom. All of these factors combine and the end result is 'Grappler' slowly slipping his free arm between Jimmy the Doom's, and utilizing his raw power to force the Straight-Bread Sensation's hands apart. 'Grappler' tries to roll away, but Jimmy grabs hold of his trunks, lands a downward spiking elbow to the forehead, and makes a lateral press.

 

ONE!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

TWO!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

THREE-NO!

 

"Matthews barely got the shoulder up! He was nearly unconscious after that arm triangle, and I thought that elbow would be the knockout blow, but 'Grappler' proves me wrong!" Francis shouts.

 

"You idiot! I can't believe you actually thought Matthews and Flesher would lose this match," King mutters, head in his hands.

 

Jimmy gets to his feet and pulls 'Grappler' up as well. Doom attempts an Irish whip, but Charlie keeps a firm grip on Jimmy's wrist. Matthews pulls the Straight-Bread Sensation in close, grabs his other arm and falls back, driving Doom's head into the canvas.

 

"Desperation double arm DDT from Charlie Matthews! He needs to make a tag to Tom Flesher something fierce!" Mak shouts.

 

"I think he knows that, but maybe someone ten levels down didn't, so good job in telling them," King snaps.

 

Charlie begins crawling towards Flesher while Doom slowly rises to his feet. Jimmy looks at Matthews, then Tom, and starts to scan the crowd, presumably intent on asking the fans their opinion on who he should beat, but then he remembers the only person in attendance was knocked unconscious by James Matheson's flying briefcase. The Straight-Bread Sensation shrugs and shoves 'Grappler' towards 'the Superior One'.

 

"Jimmy the Doom must really want to get revenge on Flesher for when he was made to eat that sandwich," Mak comments.

 

"He should just let it go because soon he'll want to try and get revenge on Flesher for taking his tag titles," King replies.

 

Tom reaches out for the tag, but winces as he extends, the assault on his torso showing how much damage has been sustained. Regardless, Flesher slaps hands with 'Grappler' and climbs into the ring. Tom closes in on Doom, but Jimmy throws up both hands, palms flat. 'The Superior One' backs off as the Straight-Breader opens his mouth, reaches in with thumb and forefinger, and removes the tiniest scrap of sandwich. Jimmy places it in the palm of his hand and drives that palm square into Flesher's face.

 

"Man, that's gross. That sandwich piece is like over a week old. Jimmy the Doom is one nasty bastard," Mak says.

 

"That would mean he hasn't brushed his teeth since then, so yeah, that's really fucking disgusting," King adds.

 

Tom wipes the food particle off his face and charges, looking for a double leg takedown. However, what he's looking for and what he gets are two completely different things, as a knee to the chest ever been the same as a double leg takedown. Doom grabs Tom by his singlet strap and pulls him towards The New Doomtopian corner. Jimmy elbows 'the Superior One' in the chest, then whips him into the nearby ropes. The Doomtopian Destroyer quickly gets in the ring, picks Jimmy off the mat and hurls him at the oncoming Flesher.

 

"Straight out of Mortal Kombat, Jimmy the Doom nails Tom Flesher in the chest with a Liu Kang kick!" Francis exclaims.

 

"That seemed really retarded, but it looks like it worked," King grumbles.

 

The Doomstroyer swiftly exits the ring lest Becker disqualify the tag champions, and Doom makes a lateral press.

 

ONE!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

TWO!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

THREE-NO!

 

"And Tom Flesher kicks out! He has taken one hell of an attack to the chest, but he's still going strong, and Charlie Matthews doesn't look like he'll be much help any time soon," Mak notes.

 

"He is so totally playing possum right now," King mutters. "Besides, don't forget about the ultra-crafty James Matheson."

 

"Ugh, the less said about him the better," the Franchise states.

 

Shaking his head, Jimmy the Doom climbs to his feet and picks Flesher up. The Straight-Bread Sensation sends 'the Superior One' across the ring and into the ropes. The Doomtopian looks behind to make sure the Doomstroyer is in position and backs up a few paces. Tom continues to pick up steam, and his eyes widen ever so slightly as he begins to pick up his right foot. Jimmy drops to the mat and scissors Flesher's left ankle as Tom gets full extension on the attempted Yakuza kick. His face turns to pure astonishment as the Doomstroyer looms into view, fist raised to the heavens and a booming phrase echoing off the walls.

 

"HAVA NAGILA!"

 

'The Superior One' heads down as the Doomtopian Destroyer's hand smashes into his chest, a fleshy hypodermic needle filled not with adrenaline to rouse Tom's heart, but sodium thiopental to put him to sleep, at least for a little while. Or, you know, a big smashy fist that hurts an already battered chest.

 

"Hava Nagila! That was a vicious looking heart punch, and if it felt half as bad as it looked, Tom Flesher is in a world of hurt right now. And trouble. He exists on two planes, and in one, it's in a world of trouble, and the other is pain. Well, he also exists here. So, three planes, one a world of hurt, one of trouble, and this regular world. That is, if we even exist at all. Could it be that we are simply some divine being's subconscious dreams, or maybe...ow!" Francis rambles before getting popped by King.

 

"Shut up! You are like a fucking Chatty Cathy doll. Where's your string so I can cut it? Or should that be cord? Because that's already been severed," King says.

 

Chris Becker hastily ushes the Doomstroyer out of the ring while Jimmy clambers to the top rope. Doom jumps and flips forward, smashing his head into what else by Tom Flesher's chest. The Straight-Bread Sensation reaches out and makes a lateral press.

 

ONE!

 

 

 

 

James Matheson scrambles on the ring apron.

 

 

 

 

TWO!

 

 

 

 

The Doomstroyer heads for the manager who is already in the ring.

 

 

 

 

THREE!

 

 

 

 

The Destroyer grabs hold of the back of Matheson's suit, lifting James off the mat.

 

 

 

 

Becker climbs up and signals for the bell as the Doomstroyer shoves Matheson out of the ring.

 

DING! DING! DING!

 

"Ladies and gentlemen, the winners and still tag team champions, The New Doomtopians!" Funyon yells.

 

Incredibad's "Just 2 Guyz" blares over the speakers, but is quickly replaced with a klaxon horn.

 

"I think that means we've been overrun and this thing is about to self-destruct," Francis says.

 

"So, it's time to get the fuck out of here."

 

"Real quick before we go off the air, folks, we must commend Captain Curtis "Mister Slim Citrus" Mills for his amazing efforts. He single-handedly defended the entire third level from the Covenant assault," Mak states.

 

"Yeah, but he's an enlisted man, so fuck him!" King shouts.

 

Everyone rushes to the escape pods, and in the effort to flee, Gus leaves his camera to record the countdown of the explosion.

 

0:10

 

0:09

 

0:08

 

0:07

 

0:06

 

0:05

 

0:04

 

0:03

 

0:02

 

Private Wilhelm's eyes flutter open to find himself all alone.

 

"WHAT THE HELL HIT ME? MY HEAD REALLY HURTS! WHERE IS EVERYONE? DID I MISS CHOW TIME AGAIN? YOU GUYS SUCK! HEY, WHO WON THE MATCH?"

 

0:01

 

And Storm fades out.