Twilight Zone Lockdown

[Bruce Blank 0]

Well my first world title match loss, which I suppose beats losing to Matt Myers

 

I was pretty pleased with it myself (I've talked to Evo and I can see his points. . . so I WAS pleased with it ) and I still had a blast writing it and the Mike, Servo & Crow commentary so on that level it was all worth it.

 

0========================================0

 

We’re whisked down the hallway of the Satellite of Love, a sliding door opens as we approach, then another one rises up as we see a hatch being unlocked in the distance. Once we’re close enough the hatch opens and shows an interior shot of the Lockdown set in the main bay of the Satellite, but with the outline of movie theatre seats at the bottom of the screen.

 

Funyon is in the ring, nervously looking at the 50-75 weird people and robots gathered tonight for the SWF Extravaganza.

 

*A-Hem* “Ladies, Gentlemen and bots – the following match is the Main Event of the evening and it is for the SWF World Heavyweight Championship” Funyon announces.

 

We see the silhouette of a human carrying a robot and then a second robot enter the movie theatre and sit down to watch the match on the screen

 

The lights in the main bay are all turned up brightly as the Smarktron goes white to herald the entrance of the World champion

 

Crow: “Man with those bright lights you can really see how shitty the location is”

 

Mike: “Crow that’s on our satellite”

 

Crow: “I stand by my statement”

 

‘COME AND ‘AVE A GO IF YOU THINK YER ‘ARD ENOUGH!

 

Tom Servo: “He’s calling out all robots, I’m hard enough I’m made of Titanium!!”

 

COME AND ‘AVE A GO IF YOU THINK YER ‘ARD ENOUGH!’

 

Mike: “Yeah but your head is a bubble gum machine Tom, think about it”

 

“Rookie” kicks in for the man that’s definitely not a rookie any more but has become so synonymous with the man that it wouldn’t make sense for him to use anything else.

 

*BOOOM!*

 

Mike: “Somebody is a little late for the 4th of July”

 

The pyros erupt all along the entrance as the World champion steps into the arena wearing his beloved England soccer shirt and a black arm band, shaking his head in disbelief that they got knocked out of the World Cup.

 

Crow: I didn’t know Beckham had long hair.”

 

Mike: “Who?”

 

Crow: I dunno Mike, it was my one soccer joke get of by bolts alright?”

 

“Introducing first the ESS DUBAYA EFF WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION!! From Nottingham, England he is the reigning and four time world champion – MICHAEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEL STEPHEEEEENS!!

 

Michael Stephens looks focused and fired up for his title defense tonight, he doesn’t even seem to be taken back by the weird location or the oddities in the crowd, he came to defend the title and that’s what he looks ready to do.

 

*bap-bap* *BOOOM!*

 

’I never thought this could be me,

I guess you never do until it’s happening to you

Like all the fun turns into –

 

After taking just a few steps down the aisle Stephens’ opponent for the night, Bruce Blank, jumps him from behind and hits him on the left shoulder with a metal chair.

 

*WHACK!*

 

Crow: (As Bruce) “Let me help you swat that nasty hornet off your shoulder my friend”

 

*WHACK!*

 

Tom Servo: (As Bruce) “Oh how clumsy of me I dropped my chair on your shoulder again”

 

Mike: “Look out it’s the stink monster that ate Alabama!”

 

After three sharp blows to the left shoulder Michael Stephens is on the floor clutching his shoulder in agony as Bruce just smiles like the devil was inside of him. With this being a legally sanctioned match there is a legally sanctioned referee present, in this case it’s Nick Soapdish who’s all up in Bruce’s face yelling at him that he’s going to disqualify him and have him thrown out of an airlock.

 

“The bell hasn’t rung yet” Bruce calmly replies “So technically it’s not illegal for me to attack him with a chair” Bruce adds while pointing to Michael Stephens who’s still on the ground in agony.

 

Crow: (As Bruce) “I'm just a caveman. I fell in some ice and later got thawed out by some of your scientists. Your world frightens and confuses me! I do not understand your ”match rules” they are just beyond my comprehension”

 

“Oh yeah? I can call this a “No contest” right now and you’ll never get near the gold again!” Soapdish yells, livid that Bruce is trying to pull something so blatant, so obvious and devious.

 

Tom Servo: (As Soapdish) “And the horse you rode in on! . . and then ate”

 

When Nick goes to raise his hand to call for the bell he’s stopped by a black fingernailed hand as Michael Stephens has managed to get back on his feet, still favoring his left shoulder quite a bit but by no means defeated.

 

“No” Stephens whispers

 

YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!

 

“You think that’s ‘ard Bruce?” Stephens says while staring right at the big man with murder in his eyes, breathing a little heavy from trying to cope with the pain “I’ll show you hard Sunshine, start the bloody match”

 

And with that Stephens gets up on the apron and enters the ring while making a “Come on” gesture towards Bruce, the World champion is not ready to roll over and die, not by a long shot. Soapdish reluctantly nods, then calls for the bell starting the match. Soapdish is allowing Stephens the “champion’s prerogative” and is letting the match go on.

 

*DING!*DING!*DING!*

 

Mike: “Da-da-dahda (Immitates the battle music from Star Trek)”

 

Tom Servo: (As Bruce) “I am the Smellinator, cower before my pits of Doom!”

 

Bruce steps over the top rope, making a point out of this to really underscore the size difference between the two men. Stephens just stands there and stares defiantly at Bruce making sure to keep his left shoulder pointed away from the King of Pain. The determination is etched on the champ’s face, the fire is lit in his eyes – there is no way in hell he’s going to back down from THIS fight.

 

Crow: (As Bruce) “I am Brucea-Tor cower at my might”

 

Tom Servo: (As Stephens) “Oh Yeah? By the power of Grayskull. . . you suck!”

 

With his arms raised, looking for your traditional collar and elbow lock up Bruce moves forward ready to legally engage the champ. All he gets for his trouble is a right quick elbow to the jaw as Michael fakes left, then goes right, ducking under Bruce’s arms after striking the big man in the face. The elbow doesn’t so much hurt Bruce, nor is it supposed to it is more to show that the champ is far from done.

 

Mike: “I wonder if that knocked Bruce’s tooth out”

 

Tom Servo: “I dunno, if it did then he’s going to be pissed, he’s hung up to that last one for years.”

 

The two wrestlers keep staring at each other, Bruce with a confident but determined look on his face as he stalks his injured opponent while Mike looks defiant and angry as he faces a man that stands for everything that he hates. They try to lock up once again and once again Michael Stephens fakes left and then goes right – right into a knee from Bruce Blank to the midsection of the former Straight Edge Sensation

 

*HUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRHH!!*

 

Crow: “Don’t hurl!! DON’T HURL!!”

 

The Champ got caught trying to go to the well again and Bruce isn’t about to let up as he grabs Stephens by the throat and then pushes / throws Michael Stephens into the corner with bone rattling power. A clubbing forearm strikes Mike’s shoulder making him wince in pain as he tries to cover up in the corner away from Bruce’s onslaught

 

ONE!!

 

One massive fist after another is driven into Mike’s back and shoulder area as Bruce tries his best to pound Stephens into the ground.

 

TWO!!

 

The champion tries his best to protect his head and his left shoulder with his right arm but it’s not an easy task to do at all

 

THREE!!

 

Bruce doesn’t even spare Nick Soapdish a moment’s notice as he pounds the Champ down into a seated position covering up as Bruce’s lefts and rights strike him over and over.

 

FOUR!!

 

Bruce backs off before Nick can raise his hand for the fifth time, this is his big chance, his first shot at the World title and he’s not about to lose by a cheap disqualification. The moment he backs off Stephens stands up again and takes a step forward to show Bruce that he can take whatever Bruce dishes out

 

Mike: (As Stephens) “You hit like a girl”

 

Crow: “Tonight on Fox: What’s the best way to get a Michael Stephens stain out of your space station?”

 

If the crowd had been comprised of SWF fans and not an odd collection of humans and robots who’ve been seen on MST3K over the years they would probably either chant “Toxxic” or at least sound appreciative, but well this *IS* the Satellite of Love and all. Stephens defiantly refuses to back down or even acknowledge that his left shoulder is probably hurt pretty badly and just raises his right hand and invites Bruce to “come on”

 

Crow: (in a Spanish accent) And now Sh-enor Steh-phens will demonstrate ze fighting of ze bull”

 

Bruce stares at Stephens with a very annoyed look on his face, contemplating the invitation

 

Tom Servo: (As Bruce) “Stomp, Stomp, snort, snort”

 

The big man decides that he’s not about to let Stephens show him up and he quickly charges at his much smaller opponent, only to fall straight into the champs trap as he leaps forwards and kicks Bruce’s legs out from under him with a soccer tackle. The tackle is followed up by a quick leg drop across the back of Bruce’s head with Stephens showing great care to not land on his left arm as he drops down. Since he has knocked the big man down Mike knows full well that he can’t afford to let the big man get back up so he sits down on Bruce’s back and lifts one of Bruce’s arms in the air

 

Crow: (As Stephens) “Hold still I saw this on page 47 of the Karma Sutra”

 

Michael slides his leg under Bruce’s arm and then hooks the other one as well

 

Tom Servo: (As Bruce) “When I hold my arms up like this I feel like I’m flying”

 

Stephens throws all his weight to the right and then rolls Bruce up on his ass applying the Double Leg Nelson on his beefy opponent. Stephens still favors his left arm, which also explains why he took such an untraditional approach to hooking the Double Leg Nelson and makes sure he only uses his right arm to support him as he pushes Bruce’s head forward with his legs increasing the pressure on Bruce’s shoulders and neck.

 

Mike: “Tonight: When Contortionists attack!!”

 

Tom Servo: “Man Bruce is going to be a severe case of “athlete’s neck” if he keeps this up”

 

The expression on Bruce’s face is part pain and part rage over Stephens getting him in such a compromising situation. The big man reaches back and puts his hands on Michael’s boots as he pulls his legs up under him so that he can get off his ass and onto his knees. The champ shakes his head in disbelief as Bruce powers his way up onto his feet with the Double Leg Nelson still locked on and the champ dangling off his shoulders, determined to not break the hold before he absolutely has to.

 

Tom Servo: “This is what happens when someone wants to ride a horse but doesn’t know a bronco from a jackass”

 

Mike: “Isn’t this illegal in most Continental United States?”

 

The Sensation twists his body upwards, lifting himself into the air for a moment before dropping back hard pulling with both legs and flipping Bruce off his feet and clean around slamming down shoulders first with Bruce’s arms still trapped by the legs

 

ONE!!

 

Stephens pushes backwards trying his best to keep the big man on the ground for a three count

 

TWO!!

 

KICKOUT!!

 

Crow: “That was more confusing than a Japanese instruction manual”

 

Stephens is kicked forward off Bruce as the big man rolls over, gets to his feet and then takes off running towards the champion just as the 218 pound Nottingham natives gets to his feet. The champion doesn’t get a chance to orient himself before he’s struck with a vicious lariat to the throat with so much force that it even knocks Bruce down as he sends Stephens’ ass over elbow

 

*THUD!!*

 

The champion curls up in the corner, clutching his left elbow as he’s in a world of pain and pulling hard for his breath after being struck on the throat. While the champ is hurting the challenger is feeling on top of the world as he’s quickly back on his feet. Bruce quickly picks his shot and then starts to stop away on or around Stephen’s hurt left shoulder and arm, each shot sending waves of pain through the champion’s body as he tries to shield his hurt shoulder as best he can from the kicks.

 

Crow: (singing) “You put your right foot in, your right foot out, right foot in, then you shake it all about.”

 

Crow, Mike & Tom Servo: “And then you do the Hokey Pokey, turn yourself around, that's what it's all about – HEY!”

 

After seven or eight kicks to the shoulder Bruce decides to change tactics and grabs Michael by the left arm, twisting it and turning it as he pulls Stephens back to his feet inflicting even more pain on his opponent with every tug on the arm. The champion is in a world of hurt and his left arm looks to be weakened to the point where he can’t use it at all without causing more pain, but even through the pain, through the immobile arm his fighting spirit hasn’t been doused yet as he demonstrates when he tries to take a swing at Bruce only to be tossed left shoulder first into the turnbuckles and then hoisted high in the air with a gorilla press slam

 

Tom Servo: (As Bruce) “Marvel at the sight of my pit stains”

 

Crow: (As Bruce) “Before I discovered the Atlas system *I* was the guy being pressed into the air and just look at me now”

 

Bruce pumps his arms three times, just to flaunt the fact that he can, before dropping Stephens chest and shoulder first on the top turnbuckle causing the Champion to bounce backwards right into Bruce’s waiting arms. Stephens is spun around and then quickly hoisted off his feet into a power bomb position, once former Straight Edge Sensation is up on Bruce’s shoulders he fires off a couple of closed fists to the top of Bruce’s head but his desperation tactics are in vain as the big man drops the champ with a power bomb that drives Michael Stephens back first into the top turnbuckle

 

*WHAM!!*

 

And then flips him forward onto the canvas where he lands on his left arm.

 

Crow: “I wonder if that Stephens guy does all his own stunts of if he has like a body double”

 

Mike: “How can he have a body double? It’s a live show”

 

Crow: “CGI buddy, CGI. I can tell sometimes”

 

With the match firmly in his control Bruce can’t help himself, he’s just got to flex one of his massive arms to the crowd just to demonstrate that he’s not about to run out of power any time soon.

 

Tom Servo: (As Bruce) “Oh no sir I don’t even know what Steroids are”

 

Mike: (As Bruce) “Me Tarzan, you Jane!”

 

After a momentary distraction Bruce finally covers Michael Stephens hoping to get that title winning pinfall

 

 

ONE!!

 

 

 

TWO!!

 

 

 

FOOT UNDER THE ROPE!!

 

Crow: “Hey you two get a room!”

 

Mike: (as Bruce) “Man this is the most uncomfortable mattress I’ve ever tried”

 

Bruce reaches back and then hooks Mike’s leg for another pinfall

 

ONE

 

Mike: (As Bruce) “I’m having a case of Déjà vu”

 

 

TWO!!

 

 

 

THR-KICKOUT!!

 

Stephens right shoulder shoots off the canvas before Nick’s hand can make contact with the ground for the 3rd time. Bruce clearly looks frustrated and annoyed as he hasn’t been able to put down Michael Stephens for the 3 count even with the bad shoulder. Instead of letting his frustrations get the best of him Bruce keeps his focus on the match and on his opponent as he grabs him by the shoulder length hair and then throws him into the corner only to be give a two finger salute in return

 

YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!

 

Tom Servo: (As Mike) “You smell this? This is your mother!”

 

Mike: “TOM!”

 

Tom Servo: “What? I said mother not brother”

 

Mike staggers out from the corner, cradling his left arm, face contorted with pain, sweat pouring off him like he has been walking the Sahara desert for 40 days but with steely determination and anger in his eyes as he once again invites Bruce to “come have a go”. Bruce’s face is a picture of disbelief as the much smaller, scrawnier Michael Stephens is daring the big man to come at him once more as Stephens struggles to even stay on his feet. Instead of rushing Stephens like he did last time and ran straight into a trap Bruce slowly approaches Michael, spreading his massive arms out to try and keep Stephens trapped in the corner.

 

Crow: (As Bruce) “Ah come and give your inbred big brother a hug”

 

Mike: (as Michael) “No, no go away I’m telling mommy”

 

The champ tries to duck under Bruce’s right arm but gets caught and then quickly tossed into the corner by Bruce’s massive paw of a hand, landing him in harms way as Bruce strikes Stephens right on the hurt left shoulder with the point of his elbow and then proceeds to grind down on the join with the bony point of his elbow making Stephens’ scream in pain

 

ONE!!

 

Nick Soapdish starts the count as both wrestlers are in the ropes

 

Tom Servo: (As Bruce – in a Japanese accent) “Me give rou good massrage”

 

Crow: (As Mike) “Oh that’s the spot, oh yeah that’s it!”

 

TWO!!

 

Stephens puts his right hand in Bruce’s face trying to push the big man off (but not trying to rake Bruce’s eyes)

 

THREE!!

 

The hand to the face doesn’t seem to slow Bruce down as he keeps grinding away on Michael’s shoulder

 

FOUR!!

 

At four Bruce backs off, hands up in the air to signal that he’s not about to touch the champion so Soapdish can’t disqualify him. Then when Soapdish seems to relax a bit Bruce quickly fires off a stinging right hand to Stephens’ jaw knocking him to the ground.

 

Crow: (As Bruce) “Quit hurting my hand with your fist”

 

Tom Servo: (As Bruce) “That’s for making me watch Sleepless in Seattle when I wanted to watch Roadhouse”

 

Mike: “Roadhouse? Man that’s harsh Tom”

 

Figuring that playing a bit loose and fast with the rules so far has served him well Bruce places his boot on Michael’s throat and then begins to push the champion backwards against the ropes forcing Stephens through the ropes as he lies draped over the bottom rope while Bruce chokes him with his boot.

 

ONE!

 

Soapdish knows it doesn’t pay to argue with Bruce and just launches straight into a 5 count instead, one of the few things Bruce seems to respect.

 

TWO!!

 

Stephens is gasping for air as he tries desperately to pry Bruce’s boot off his throat but so far to no avail.

 

THREE!!

 

Bruce’s grin is wider than it’s ever been before as he pushes against the ropes to gain even more leverage as he pushes Stephens further and further back, out over the bottom rope with his foot.

 

FOUR!!

 

Michael Stephens has been pushed too far, not in the “enough is enough” kinda way but strictly physically speaking as he’s been pushed too far out of the ring and thus tumbles to the ground in a heap. Bruce doesn’t waste any time, quickly stepping through the ropes and then hops to the floor right by where the champ is laying.

 

ONE!!

 

Crow: (singing) “Is the loneliest number”

 

Bruce casually prods Michaels with the tip of his boot

 

TWO!!

 

Tom Servo: “be or not to be”

 

The big man reaches over the guardrail, pushes a head in a jar out of the way and then grabs her chair.

 

Mike: “Hey you leave Jan-in-the-Pan alone!”

 

Crow: “Why is that? Do you have a date with her? I mean I know she doesn’t have much of a body but I hear she gives great he-“

 

Mike: “CROOOOOOOOW!”

 

Soapdish leaves the ring the moment Bruce picks up the metal chair and folds it. Despite being outweighed by at least 150 pounds the referee gets in Bruce’s face and yells at him for taking the chair, then he grabs the chair out of Bruce’s hands and turns to the crowd to give the chair back.

 

Big mistake!

 

With his back turned Soapdish doesn’t notice that Bruce picks Stephens up by the hair and then viciously rams his face against the ringpost with a sickening thud.

 

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

 

Crow: “Boo what? He’s introducing the guy to his friend Mr. Pole”

 

Mike: “Don’t say it”

 

Crow: “Just like I’ve introduced many girls to Mr. Po-“

 

Mike: “I told you not to say it”

 

Bruce feigns total innocence when Nick Soapdish turns around, sees Mike on the ground with a cut over his left eyebrow and questions the big man about what he’s done. He goes so far as to enter the ring and wait in the corner AWAY from where Stephens is laying just to really sell the fact that Bruce had nothing to do with it at all

 

Tom Servo: (As Bruce) “I swear your honor he fell on my knife. . . 37 times”

 

Crow: (As Bruce) “I cannot tell a lie – it was the guy in the front row”

 

ONE!!

 

Soapdish reluctantly starts to count Michael out as the champion is still on the mat, holding his left arm and rattled from having his face smashed against the ringpost

 

TWO!!

 

The King of Pain just stays in his corner, watching as Soapdish counts.

 

THREE!!

 

Mike: “Is company too”

 

On the floor Michael Stephens has gotten up onto his knees although he’s still bent over in agony.

 

FOUR!!

 

Tom Servo: “is the number of fans Bruce has”

 

Ever so slowly the champ gets back up to his feet, staggering as he tries to make it over to the apron

 

FIVE!!

 

Mike: “GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLDEN RINGS!!”

 

When Michael puts a hand on the apron to steady himself Bruce finally moves out of the corner and heads over to where the champ is struggling to stay on his feet. Bruce makes Soapdish break the count as he reaches over the top rope and grabs Stephens by the hair. The champ is forced to climb up on the apron or lose a large handful of hair as Bruce pulls on the Sensation’s black hair. Once Stephens is up on the apron Bruce reaches down and grabs the champ by the Tripp NYC trousers and then lifts Michael Stephens up over his head once more.

 

Mike: “Okay now I think *I* am experiencing Déjà vu”

 

On the third pump Stephens lashes out and strikes Bruce in the throat with a straight fingered jab causing the big man to drop the champion to the floor behind him as he gasps for air. Stephens lands on his feet right behind Bruce and right in front of the referee. Even while sucking for air Bruce has enough presence of mind to launch himself backwards into Michael Stephens driving him into Nick Soapdish and then driving both of them hard into the turnbuckles.

 

*THUD!!*

 

Tom Servo: (As Michael) “I’m the meat in an idiot sandwich”

 

Crow: “Bruce demonstrates how the quickest way to tenderize 200 pounds of beef”

 

The impact knocks Nick Soapdish to the canvas seemingly out cold from the collision, Stephens took less of a brunt but the angle of the impact caused him to roll through the ropes and is on the apron clutching his left arm in agony. The big man takes a couple of raspy breaths with his hands resting on his knees before turning his attention back towards the champion. Bruce is a little surprised to see referee Soapdish on the floor but then smiles as he realizes what it means.

 

Mike: “The face that sank a thousand rowboats”

 

Bruce steps through the ropes with a confident grin, he even takes the time to walk down the ringsteps to the ground. After walking down the steps Bruce grabs the top half of the metal steps and pushes it away, then he drags the base of the metal steps away from the ring post with something nasty in mind.

 

Crow: “Bruce Blank – wrestling’s ONLY Feng Shui expert”

 

Mike: (As Bruce) “Now if we move the steps over here we make much better use of this open space, trust me it’ll be FA-BO-LOUS”

 

With the metal steps in position Bruce grabs his opponent by the back of the hair and drags him off the apron so that he’s standing back to chest with Bruce. Blank raises a fist in the air with one finger extended already celebrating his victory, already revelling in the pain he’s looking to inflict.

 

Which only increases the surprise of Michael Stephens reaching up to grab Bruce in a 3/4 headlock, pulling him a bit forward as he leaps up on the apron and then vaults over Bruce’s head bringing him down hard with “It’s Sunny in England”

 

*BLAM!*

 

Tom Servo: (As Michael) “EAT MATTRESS BITCH!!”

 

Mike: They look like we did after we watched “Manos: Hands of Fate” and “Merlin’s shop of mystical wonders” back to back.”

 

Crow: “Oh the horror, the Robotity of that night – it was the longest three weeks of my life”

 

Both men are still down, Michael is on the ground holding his shoulder in sheer agony and Bruce is just laying there because he just got his head driven into the concrete floor with just a thin mat to protect him. With Nick Soapdish still out there is no count, in fact there is very little activity of any kind until Wayne Blank appears from backstage where he’s obviously been watching the match.

 

Crow: (As Wayne) “You done yet man? I’m double parked”

 

Wayne makes it about half way down the aisle before he’s tackled to the ground by Michael Stephens’ sister Amy who knocks the Drunken Dragon to the floor and then starts to wail away on him with lefts and rights before finishing off with a headbutt

 

*BONK!*

 

Crow: (As Amy) “Why won’t guys go out with me? I’m a nice girl!”

 

Mike: “If she drinks and curses as well then I think I’m in love”

 

With Wayne subdued Amy gets back on her feet, then she looks at her brother as if she’s trying to decide if she should help him up or not – but in the end she decides against it, probably because of her brother’s stand on cheating. Instead the Nottingham Lager Lass grabs Wayne by the foot and drags the younger Blank brother backstage

 

Crow: (As Amy) “Cavewoman need nookie! Make nookie now!!”

 

Tom Servo: (As Amy) “I just need four more of these and I can make my very own redneck”

 

With neither Stephens, Blank nor Soapdish likely to get up just yet Lockdown cuts to a final commercial break.

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ Commercial Break ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

Matt Myers walks into the picture wearing yellow waders and a fisherman’s hat, he’s got a huge, fresh Salmon over his shoulder that he slams down on the table

 

*SLAP!*

 

“FISH!!”

 

*Fade*

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ End ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

Tom Servo: “Welcome back to the Young and the Violent”

 

Michael Stephens has gotten back to his feet and is in the process of pulling Bruce into the ring, or at least trying as best he can with just his right arm but he’s dragging and pulling as much as he can slowly, ever so slowly sliding Bruce up on the apron.

 

Mike: “You know I’ve heard of people having to be carried but this is ridiculous”

 

Once he’s all the way in the ring Bruce reveals that he’s been playing a bit of possum letting Michael exert a lot of energy dragging the big man into the ring. The Redneck Superman gets up on his knees and then throws a back elbow at Stephens’ midsection, only to have his arm caught by the champion, then quickly twisted around the Sensation’s leg before he hooks Bruce’s other arm with his own right arm rolling Bruce into a Majistral Cradle

 

ONE!!

 

 

Crow: (As Michael) “No you idiot, it said “Right Elbow, Blue” not “Right Elbow, Balls”

 

 

 

TWO!!

 

 

 

 

Tom Servo: “Someone didn’t pay attention during Brokeback Mountain!”

 

 

 

THR-KICKOUT!!

 

Stephens rolls off Bruce (making sure to roll over his right shoulder) and then gets back to his feet ready to rumble. The moment Bruce is up on his knees the champ lands a stiff basemen drop kick to Bruce’s ample midsection, causing Bruce to be in the perfect position for the RTF II. The old Toxxic would have probably thrown in a taunt or two before going for a finisher but this isn’t the old Toxxic, instead Stephens swiftly goes for the double underhook choke.

 

“AAAAAAAAAAARRRHH!!”

 

Crow: “Man this guys should be on the debate team”

 

Stephens’ scream is more from pain and frustration than anything else as he’s not physically able to lock on the RTF II his left shoulder is simply too hurt and makes it impossible to use his left arm for much. Working on sheer frustration Mike turns the half hooked on move around by twisting Bruce’s body a bit and then drops to his ass catching Bruce with a neckbreaker variation instead.

 

As Stephens gets up and drops a knee to Bruce’s forehead we see the outlines of the Suicide King and Mak Francis join Mike, Tom and Crow in the theater.

 

King: “We got tired of just sitting there, so we figured we’d go here and join the commentary instead

 

Mike: “Hey Tom, Crow look he’s half robot”

 

King: “Bwa, ha, ha, ha I like you guys”

 

After dropping a couple of knees to Bruce’s forehead the champ backs off a bit and then motions for Bruce to “come on” demonstrating without a shadow of a doubt that he can take what Bruce dishes out and that just because his left arm is next to useless he’s not ready to quit just yet.

 

Mak: “Look at that! Michael has been taking a hell of a lot of punishment tonight but he keeps coming back for more, I think Bruce lit a fire under his ass with comments from last week”

 

Crow: *Snorts* “Someone doesn’t get it”

 

King: “You never watched the show did you?”

 

Mak: “Erm. . . well no”

 

The taunting has it’s desired effect on Bruce, the big man gets up, rage shining from his eyes as he charges at Michael like the proverbial Bull in a China shop. Stephens ducks under the lunging Bruce, the moment the big man turns around

 

*POW!!*

 

STEPHENSKICK RIGHT TO THE JAW!!

 

Crow: (As Michael) “Did I step in something? Could you check please?”

 

King: “Oh no he lost two of his teeth, now he has to move to Texas where they have a 3 teeth maximum”

 

The kick knocks Bruce backwards into the corner, which is the only thing that saves Bruce from not falling flat on his ass. The champ senses his opening and quickly moves in, hoping to whip Bruce across the ring, but while the big man may not be totally clearheaded he’s too powerful for Mike to whip anywhere and Bruce turns it around sending Michael to the corner instead following right behind him.

 

Crow: “Why doesn’t he just stop running? I don’t get it”

 

Mak: “Ix Nay, on the Afabe-Kay”

 

Crow: “Whu?”

 

Bruce charges after Michael only to get a chest full of boots as Stephens leaps up onto the top rope and lands the “Role Reversal” drop kick on the charging Bruce. With Bruce down on the canvas Stephens moves in, crosses Bruce’s legs and then wraps the big man up in a Regal Stretch using mainly his right arm.

 

Crow: “Stephens often reminisces about his days in the pretzel factory so many years ago”

 

Mak: “Yeah. . . making pretzels!!”

 

Mike: “*cough*lame*cought*

 

After being trapped in the hold for a couple of moments Bruce manages to reach out and get a hand on the ropes

 

ONE!!

 

The second the referee starts to count Michael releases his hold on Bruce, showing everyone that he’s still a man who doesn’t resort to cheating. Michael pulls Bruce to his feet but is then interrupted in whatever plans he has as Bruce takes a shortcut and punches Stephens in his injured shoulder.

 

Tom Servo: (As Bruce) “That was the Vulcan Nerve punch, now feel the Vulcan Death Grip!”

 

Bruce pushes the hurting champion into the corner, then he grabs Stephens by the right arm and whips him from one corner towards the opposite corner. Since Bruce got caught with the Role Reversal last time he did this he makes sure to follow right behind Stephens ready to sandwich the champ between his own massive girth and the turnbuckles. Having a 3 step head start allows Stephens to run up the turnbuckles before Bruce gets there and then grab Bruce in a 3/4 headlock.

 

Mak: “IT’S ALWAYS SUNNY IN ENGLAND!!”

 

Crow: “No it isn’t!”

 

King: “You mean the Intoxxication – don’t believe his cover story Mak!”

 

The moment Michael flips up over Bruce to take the big man down with his Sliced Bread #2 Bruce puts his hands on Stephens’ shoulders and pushes him forward causing the champ to land on Bruce’s shoulder instead, in the perfect position for a running power slam.

 

Tom Servo: “Man I’ve seen better choreography from guys in wheelchairs”

 

King: “Mak I believe he’s talking about you”

 

Bruce wraps his massive arms around Michael Stephens’ trapping both of the champ’s arms as he runs towards the center of the ring. Then he leaps into the air while bringing the champ down in front of him with a running tombstone

 

*WHAM!!*

 

“OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHH!!”

 

Crow: “That’s GOT to hurt!”

 

ONE!!

 

 

 

TWO!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

THREEE!!!!!!

 

King: “Holy crap Bruce did it!! He won the match – he beat Toxxic!”

 

The entire arena is quiet as Bruce rolls off Michael Stephens, they’re stunned in disbelief over what they’ve just seen – Bruce is the new world champion.

 

“Ladies and Gentlemen”

 

Crow: “And those of you that are both”

 

“The winner of the match and NEW SWF HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION OF THE WOOOOOOOOOOOOORLD!!! BRUCEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE BLANK!!!!” Funyon announces to the stunned crowd.

 

The announcement seems to make it that little bit more real and the crowd begins to boo and jeer as Bruce gets to his feet and then snatches the world title from referee Nick Soapdish, clutching it tight as if he is making sure this is really happening and not just a dream.

 

Crow: (As Bruce in a Rocky Balboa accent) “Yo Aaaaaaaaaaadrian I did it!!”

 

After a few moments Bruce finally opens his eyes and then raises the World title over his head, the joy of winning clearly displayed on his face as he looks very emotional.

 

Tom Servo: (as Bruce) “You call this a belt buckle? My little nephew has bigger belt buckles than this.”

 

Mike: (as Bruce) “Has anyone seen my prize bull? He ran away and left his collar behind”

 

King: “Don’t you guys understand? BRUCE IS THE WORLD CHAMPION! Holy fucking shit I can’t believe this”

 

Lockdown slowly fades out as we see Wayne Blank come rushing to the ring and then leaps into his brothers arms, ecstatic that his brother’s 17 years in the business has finally paid off.

 

*Fade out*

[Toxxic 0]

The commentary is, I have to say, awesome. I was going to try and run with the MST3K guys, but after a bit of experimentation decided that it just didn't work for my writing style and so had them as the Sign Guys instead. As for the match itself it works pretty well, although to be honest I'm thinking that a few chairshots from a guy as big as Bruce on someone as small and relatively weak as Toxxic would pretty much put paid to a match right from the start - there's a reason he doesn't kick out of finishers, you know.

 

But yeah, nice going; you made better use of the location than me - I went more for a regular match and hoped that'd swing it.

[Bruce Blank 0]

I went back and forth on using the MST3K commentary for a while until I figured "screw it, it'll be fun" - Youtube's large collection of MST3K clips were both a great help and has gotten me totally hooked on the show.

 

And if I had hit Tox in the head then yes he would have been out, goodnight, end of the match (which would have made for a very short match) but with Bruce targeting the shoulder instead I thought it worked out pretty well for most of the match putting the champion clearly in the "Underdog" spot.

 

I was trying to underline that Michael Stephens is indeed " 'ard enough" - or pissed off enough at having his manhood questioned And also to give a rematch between the two even more heat with the way Bruce won it and all.

[Smartly Pretty 0]

See, the problem with Stephens playing the underdog, despite being a face, he's a seasoned vet. It'd actually make more sense the other way around, have Bruce try to prove to everyone he can hang with the main eventers.

 

But yes...the commentary is gold. Applause for having the balls to take a world title match and make it halfway comedy.

[Bruce Blank 0]

Erm but the character Bruce Blank is a 17 year veteran - and with the size advantage and the fact that Stephens has had a hard time with big guys makes it a little unbelievable to have Bruce as the underdog in the match.

 

And I love comedy writing, I didn't know when I'd get a golden chance like that again, so I went for it - and it was fun to do. I wish Comedy matches had better odds here in the SWF or I would have gone with a comedy character and done that kind of stuff instead of the Hardcore nutjob character

[Smartly Pretty 0]

Erm but the character Bruce Blank is a 17 year veteran - and with the size advantage and the fact that Stephens has had a hard time with big guys makes it a little unbelievable to have Bruce as the underdog in the match.

 

Oh...well...you know, it's funny you should mention that, heh, uh...*runs*

[Toxxic 0]

Yeah, but Stephens HASN'T had a hard time with big guys. He lost twice to Janus for the ICTV strap, but took the World Title from him later, and apart from that he's beaten any halfway big guy he's come into contact with. I think apart from Janus, the only two non-cruisers to have beaten Stephens were Danny Williams and Nathaniel Kibagami (and Toxx was actually taller than Danny, just outweighed due to his impersonation of a small buffalo).

 

In terms of underdogness (it's a word, I hereby decree it), I think both guys have their points; Bruce clearly has the size and strength advantage, as well as the experience, but Stephens is quicker, more experienced in a non-hardcore environment and also has the big match mojo that Bruce lacks. I think 'artificially' establishing an underdog face was one way to go, but I think a simple, all-out war between two guys who both had advantages and disadvantages works as well.

[Bruce Blank 0]

Alright you're not getting what I'm trying to say here, it's not about winning or losing but the matches he's been in with big guys - So let me counter with this questions.

 

Since he hasn't had a hard time with big guys and all.

 

Has all his wins over big guys been complete cake walks or have they challenged him, pushed him because of his relative small size, low strength and low stamina? You can have a hard time and win by overcoming it - or do you write most matches Vs Heavies as if it was no big deal to Toxxic?

 

Consider also this from your profile:

Can hold his own in a fight unless he’s severely outweighed or up against a real brawler

 

and also your reply to my question about Toxxic's moveset

o be honest, against someone as big as Bruce there's not a great deal Toxx COULD do - more aerial moves perhaps,

 

Writing Toxxic Vs a big guy and not having Toxxic have a hard time would go against the profile and your own words.

 

You see what I'm saying?

[Toxxic 0]

Depends on the big guy and his position on the card; for example, the matches against Carnage and Ghost Machine (version 1, just to clarify) were not THAT difficult for Toxxic - not a cakewalk, but not as challenging as, say, Landon or Flesher. And nor should they have been, because neither of those were anywhere near Landon or Flesher's ability, both in kayfabe and in real-life writing.

 

Regarding those two quotes; yes, there are less moves Toxx can hit on big guys, and yes, he'd get pummelled in an out-and-out brawl, but he would use his speed to avoid getting caught in an out-and-out brawl. I wouldn't say that Toxxic has had a hard time with big guys; they present problems to him, but so do cruiserweights and middleweights, and everyone. They're just different problems, and he deals with them in a different way.

 

Now, if Toxxic was grounded due to a leg injury, or trapped in a limiting environment like a cage then I WOULD have a really hard time trying to write him against a big guy because the odds would be swung in the hoss's favour. Just like when writing Amy vs Bruce in the boiler room, the confining environment meant I had to write interference to get a win, because there was no way Amy could stay out of Bruce's reach long enough to avoid being turned into mulch. Granted, Toxx is a better wrestler than Amy, but he's even less tough than her so a similar thing would apply. In the strap match with Janus for the ICTV I could not write a convincing way for Toxx to win, simply because he was anchored to the big man and couldn't use his speed well enough (I'm not saying it wasn't possible, but I couldn't come up with a way to win which was better than Janus' match).

 

So what I'm saying is, no, big men don't give Toxxic any more of a problem than anyone else... UNLESS they can stop him from wrestling the match in a way advantageous to him, whether through the environment, the stipulation, some sort of injury to him or just excellent positioning and tactics on their part. But then again, anyone managing to stop Toxxic from wrestling the match how he wants will give him problems, whether it's an ever faster wrestler staying out of the reach of his strikes and (limited) mat wrestling, or a striker or mat wrestler closing the distance on him and preventing him from hitting aerial moves. Big or small doesn't matter - he CAN come up with a strategy to beat you, it's whether he can put in into play that counts. Most times, he can.

[Bruce Blank 0]

That's why I threw in a "pre-match steel chair"

 

On a slightly different note - was the main event the only match that was actually a competitive match?

[JJ Johnson 0]

I wouldn't be surprised if it was - I know mine wasn't - but there might be others like me, in that I don't post losing matches unless begged, because I can use those spots later.

[Bruce Blank 0]

Hey that's never stopped me before - if it didn't win it's fair game