Guest Goodear Report post Posted June 12, 2002 Dear Kinetic, I like you. Do you like me? Why doesn't anyone send me e-mails about how good my columns on thesmartmarks.com are? I want to be loved. Best Regards, Mark Goodhart Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest JHawk Report post Posted June 12, 2002 Dear Kinetic, People say I swear too fucking much in my fucking Raw recaps on www.thesmartmarks.com. They actually fucking claim I drop too many fucking f-bombs, particularly when it comes to Vince fucking McMahon? Are they full of it, or should I be more fucking careful from now on? Signed, Oblivious in Ohio Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest crandamaniac Report post Posted June 12, 2002 Kinetic, Where is my car dude? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Kinetic Report post Posted June 12, 2002 Your Royal Highness, What are your thoughts on the musical artist Beck? Like? Dislike? Also, how can I stop my addiction to the song "Grazing in the Grass(Can You Dig It)?" Beck is great. Midnite Vultures is a little iffy at points, but for the most part his recorded output is fantastic. Well...not Stereopathetic Soul Manure either, but you get what I mean. His real albums are good. The oddball wordplay that passes for lyrics in his songs can be a little off-putting at times. That's my one complaint. On the second question: Replace your existing addiction with another, more life-threatening one. Like smoking, for instance. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Kinetic Report post Posted June 12, 2002 Dear Kinetic, I like you. Do you like me? Why doesn't anyone send me e-mails about how good my columns on thesmartmarks.com are? I want to be loved. Best Regards, Mark Goodhart I think you're just fine. A little needy. Kind of whiny. I've always kind of resented you for some of the cruel and unfounded remarks you made during "Crossface." But, all in all, you seem like a swell guy. As far as your letter query is concerned, I'd suggest that people simply don't feel strongly enough about the subject matter to reply. Each of my acclaimed "Riot Act" articles has inspired earth-shattering amounts of fan mail. I had to hire a secretary just to wade through all of it. Her name is Consuela and she speaks little english. I make her wear a tiny maid's outfit and insist that it's customary in the U.S. That's neither here or there, though. The point is that readers will only send you mail if you give them a reason to. I suggest making a series of totally unfounded and ignorant statements, raising the ire of our loyal readers until they have no choice but to put you in your place. You can begin publishing them under the psuedonym AngleSault. I've seen it work before. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Kinetic Report post Posted June 12, 2002 Dear Kinetic, People say I swear too fucking much in my fucking Raw recaps on www.thesmartmarks.com. They actually fucking claim I drop too many fucking f-bombs, particularly when it comes to Vince fucking McMahon? Are they full of it, or should I be more fucking careful from now on? Signed, Oblivious in Ohio They're full of it. I don't want to live in a world where wrestling writers don't curse like sailors, all the while being as surly as possible. Most brilliant people are misunderstood in their own time, JHawk. If you know the path you're on is the correct one, you have no choice but to follow it. I want to see you raise the bar a bit every week. A "fuck" in every sentence, perhaps. Then...six, seven months down the line, nothing but a series of "fucks" in the normal recap format. Your crowning acheivement will be a recap that is nothing more than a large, bold "Fuck" right in the middle of the screen. You will then begin your descent into madness. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Kinetic Report post Posted June 12, 2002 Kinetic, Where is my car dude? My advice is to never even allude to this abortion of a film in my presence ever again. Failure to do so will result in you being beaten within an inch of your life. I will then have your thumbs repossessed. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Report post Posted June 12, 2002 Your Royal Higness, Do you have the ability to beatbox? If so, are you fairly good with it? And why do you keep trying to get me to smoke? You realize the State of America is going to levy heavier taxes on cigarettes, correct? Future "President" for Life, Maximum Proconsul Kotzenjunge Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Report post Posted June 12, 2002 Dear Kinetic, I judge all potential girlfriends based on their opinion on just one thing: Rushmore. I do not require them to love the film like I do, but they must at least like it before I will consider anything remotely resembling a meaningful relationship with them. Some people have told me that my standards are too high, and that I was a prick, too, especially because of the way I instituted this policy, that life-shattering moment when, two weeks before I was to marry the love of my life, the one woman who meant more to me than any person has ever meant, more so than my mother even, or so I thought, as when she and I sat down at my place just fourteen days before we headed to the chapel, we watched my prized Criterion DVD edition of Rushmore, a film she had never before seen, and a film, after it was over, she declared to be "dumb." I dumped her right then and there of course, and have not spoken to her since. So, are my standards too high? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Report post Posted June 12, 2002 Hey, I'm almost the same with wrestling. I need a female who will at least respect my like for it. I usually profess my love for it very quickly(but not too quickly) after I get to know them, then, based on their reaction, decide to pursue or leave be. I usually ignore this fact and fail with the ones who have a negative reaction, but I'm in the same boat as you, Incadenza! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Kinetic Report post Posted June 12, 2002 Your Royal Higness, Do you have the ability to beatbox? If so, are you fairly good with it? And why do you keep trying to get me to smoke? You realize the State of America is going to levy heavier taxes on cigarettes, correct? Future "President" for Life, Maximum Proconsul Kotzenjunge Somewhat ironically, I have no musical ability whatsoever. I can't play anything even marginally well. Cigarettes are already expensive enough as it is. If you add even a single percentage point more in tax, I'm joining Goodhelmet's counter-revolution. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Kinetic Report post Posted June 12, 2002 Dear Kinetic, I judge all potential girlfriends based on their opinion on just one thing: Rushmore. I do not require them to love the film like I do, but they must at least like it before I will consider anything remotely resembling a meaningful relationship with them. Some people have told me that my standards are too high, and that I was a prick, too, especially because of the way I instituted this policy, that life-shattering moment when, two weeks before I was to marry the love of my life, the one woman who meant more to me than any person has ever meant, more so than my mother even, or so I thought, as when she and I sat down at my place just fourteen days before we headed to the chapel, we watched my prized Criterion DVD edition of Rushmore, a film she had never before seen, and a film, after it was over, she declared to be "dumb." I dumped her right then and there of course, and have not spoken to her since. So, are my standards too high? Absolutely not. No woman who doesn't recognize the brilliance of Rushmore is worth your time, effort, or money. I'm very similar with music, actually. I just have difficulty fully respecting a girl who listens to bad music. And without respect, it's difficult to develop deeper feelings for another person. I've tried to change. I really have. But every time a disparaging remark is made or a bad album is foisted upon me, I run for the hills. It's a shallow way to live, but I refuse to settle for anything less than what I deserve. So, in short, your standards are not too high. Other people's ability to live up to them is the problem. I couldn't care less what a girl thinks of wrestling. It's only a problem when she attempts to get me to stop watching it or watches it with me and points out every minor flaw. Then it's go time. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Report post Posted June 12, 2002 "I couldn't care less what a girl thinks of wrestling. It's only a problem when she attempts to get me to stop watching it or watches it with me and points out every minor flaw. Then it's go time." That's what I meant as far as respecting my like for it goes. Oh yeah, the extra tax will be only .01% more than it already is. When the masses see some of their highest-ranking Abbey Party officials smoking(the State-mandated brand), they'll take the habit up in droves, thus bringing in even more money to the State for YOU, our Assistant Proconsul. Of course, the Maximum Proconsul will abstain himself from the activity. Goodhelmet has reclaimed his position as Chancellor of the State after I offered him a new building and such. You can also get this(as well as free cigarettes for life, a perk of being in the Cabinet) if you say you'll not waver in your loyalty to the Party and State. Which leads me to my question: Your Royal Highness, What do you think of the Abbey Party's symbol? Like? Dislike? Also, isn't "Good Morning Starshine" just great? Future "President" for Life, Maximum Proconsul Kotzenjunge Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Report post Posted June 12, 2002 I couldn't care less what a girl thinks of wrestling. It's only a problem when she attempts to get me to stop watching it or watches it with me and points out every minor flaw. Then it's go time. Same here. It's hardly ever a problem because I generally watch it on my own time, so I'm not likely to be bothered by the girl in question. As for music, I'm a lot more lax on this than I was a few years ago. My tastes are far too esoteric for me to expect everyone I go out with to share them. I still have my limits, though, as no matter how hot the girl is, she ain't worth it if she's into Limp Bizkit. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest muzanisa Report post Posted June 12, 2002 Dear kinetic Did you ever get the poster? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest goodhelmet Report post Posted June 12, 2002 Dear Kinetic, When Jupiter implodes will we feel the effects here on Earth? Knowing your previous problems finding non-Xian bible thumping broads with big breasts, do you ever plan on leaving that shithole of Lubbuck, Amarillo, Abilene, or wherever the hell you live? Finally, if you had a choice of having a conversation with one of the following, would you chooses Napoleon Bonaparte or Karl Marx, and why? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Kinetic Report post Posted June 12, 2002 Dear kinetic Did you ever get the poster? I guess I forgot to thank you repeatedly for that. Just so everyone knows, he sent me an autographed promotional poster for Elvis Costello's new album, When I Was Cruel. It now adorns the wall in my room. I'll have to field questions about why it's signed to "Kinetic" for the rest of my life, but it's well worth it. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Kinetic Report post Posted June 12, 2002 Dear Kinetic, When Jupiter implodes will we feel the effects here on Earth? Knowing your previous problems finding non-Xian bible thumping broads with big breasts, do you ever plan on leaving that shithole of Lubbuck, Amarillo, Abilene, or wherever the hell you live? Finally, if you had a choice of having a conversation with one of the following, would you chooses Napoleon Bonaparte or Karl Marx, and why? No. It'll be nothing more than something interesting in the sky to look at. Like a fireworks display or a lazer show. Funny you should ask that, Goodhelmet, as I was just today confronted with the fact that I'll be leaving Abilene in November. My family is moving to Germany and I'm not allowed to accompany them. Therefore, I'll be relocating to North Carolina so that I may freeload off of a completely different group of relatives. I sincerely hope that there will be a much more choice selection of 'tang there. I've always believed that the East Coast is the best coast, despite the fact that that doesn't rhyme. I'd choose Napoleon, the ultimate overacheiving vanilla midget. I'd opt for him simply because I saw a History Channel special on him not too long ago, so I'd know what to ask. Had I read a Marx biography, it might be a completely different answer. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest goodhelmet Report post Posted June 12, 2002 Dear Kinetic, Are you aware that by relocating to North Carolina you will begin to sound like someone who fucks sheep for living? Next, do you know how many miles the earth is from Jupiter? Finally, do you have any understanding of classical mythology? If so, do you prefer Roman or Greek myths? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Mystery Eskimo Report post Posted June 12, 2002 Dear Kinetic 1. What is the best way to insert an anal probe into a grizzly bear without it mauling the inserter? 2. What are the youngest and oldest ages of women that you would concievably have sex with? Thanks. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest crandamaniac Report post Posted June 13, 2002 Are you aware that by relocating to North Carolina you will begin to sound like someone who fucks sheep for living? As a native North Carolinian, i take great offense to that remark. Hey Kinetic, where abouts in NC you moving to? Depending on where you move to you have a greater chance of getting laid then out in whatever place you are in Texas Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest treble charged Report post Posted June 13, 2002 Dear Kinetic, I have had a relatively prominent "feud" with a poster on this board, I'll just call him A. Sault, no wait, that's too obvious, I'll call him Angle S. Anyway, this "feud" has been going on for a few months now, with both of us taking potshots at the other. However, recently it seems like my "enemy" has suffered some sort of nervous breakdown. What should I do? Much thanks. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Report post Posted June 13, 2002 Your Royal Higness, If you dislike the symbol, we can always change it. I just noticed no answer to my query about it. Also, your move to North Carolina will allow us to consolidate our power, since I live in Charleston, South Carolina. And Treble, we can have the State's medical experts in Cuba test Mr. Sault for any sorts of mental injuries or breakdowns he may have suffered. Future "President" for Life, Maximum Proconsul Kotzenjunge Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest JHawk Report post Posted June 13, 2002 However, recently it seems like my "enemy" has suffered some sort of nervous breakdown. He's just NOW having a nervous breakdown? Damn. Anyway! Dear Kinetic, Which is a worse hairstyle: the Eddy Guerrero mullet or the Jake from TE2 all shaved except the bangs thing? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Kinetic Report post Posted June 13, 2002 Dear Kinetic, Are you aware that by relocating to North Carolina you will begin to sound like someone who fucks sheep for living? Next, do you know how many miles the earth is from Jupiter? Finally, do you have any understanding of classical mythology? If so, do you prefer Roman or Greek myths? If it's possible to make a good living fucking sheep, then sign me up. It couldn't be any more degrading than what I'm doing now. In any case, I've lived in NC before--Winston-Salem--and found it to be pretty nice. Plus, an ex-girlfriend that I still carry a bit of a torch for lives up there. I'm looking forward to it, sheep-fuckers be damned. I have no idea how far away Jupiter is. I think the whole "intelligence" thing is a major misconception people have about me. I can form a sentence and I listen to a lot of music. That's about as far as it goes. That said, I do have some remedial understanding of mythology. I'd take Greek over Roman, but I find Biblical mythology more interesting than both of them. It's just relevance, I guess. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Kinetic Report post Posted June 13, 2002 Dear Kinetic 1. What is the best way to insert an anal probe into a grizzly bear without it mauling the inserter? 2. What are the youngest and oldest ages of women that you would concievably have sex with? Thanks. 1. Tranquilizers. Make sure the great beast is fully incapacitated before approaching its rectum. With even a modicum of its full strength, it can disembowel you or worse. 2. That's a difficult question to answer, Mystery Eskimo, because any chance sexual encounter is mired in circumstance. Hypothetically, though, I'd say 16 is the youngest. It wouldn't be that illegal and girls are pretty much fully formed at that point anyway. Mid-thirties is as old as I'd be willing to go. Let's say an attractive, sophisticated 35 year old female professor seduced me. I'd go for it. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Kinetic Report post Posted June 13, 2002 Hey Kinetic, where abouts in NC you moving to? Depending on where you move to you have a greater chance of getting laid then out in whatever place you are in Texas The actual town is called Fuquay-Varina. Hyphen and all. It's a suburb of Raleigh, as far as I know. And, yes, I look forward to leaving Texas and being among my own kind again. Any amount of 'tang would be better than I've been doing recently. I can't imagine a place being any worse than Abilene. Excluding war zones and impoverished areas, obviously. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest treble charged Report post Posted June 13, 2002 Hey, if you move to Raleigh, you can jump on the Hurricanes' bandwagon like everyone else. My uncle actually used to live near Raleigh, too (Rocky Mount), and went to their games before it was the "cool" thing to do. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Kinetic Report post Posted June 13, 2002 Dear Kinetic, I have had a relatively prominent "feud" with a poster on this board, I'll just call him A. Sault, no wait, that's too obvious, I'll call him Angle S. Anyway, this "feud" has been going on for a few months now, with both of us taking potshots at the other. However, recently it seems like my "enemy" has suffered some sort of nervous breakdown. What should I do? Much thanks. Were you responsible for this nervous breakdown? If so, make light of that fact to increase your standing on the board. If not, claim responsibility anyway. A lot of people will be much nicer to you. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Kinetic Report post Posted June 13, 2002 Your Royal Higness, If you dislike the symbol, we can always change it. I just noticed no answer to my query about it. Also, your move to North Carolina will allow us to consolidate our power, since I live in Charleston, South Carolina. Good to know. I like the symbol. I just didn't respond because I couldn't think of any way to elaborate on that. So, yeah. I...like it. It's good. Dear Kinetic, Which is a worse hairstyle: the Eddy Guerrero mullet or the Jake from TE2 all shaved except the bangs thing? Definitely Eddy. Jake's hairstyle is unique and gives him an even more intimidating presence. Eddy's is just hideous. For those keeping score, the mullet went out of style--if such a thing was ever actually in style outside the world of hockey--in the early 90s. It just recently came back to public attention due to the marginal success of the film Joe Dirt. Anyone seen sporting a mullet in this brave new post-Joe Dirt era will be the object of ridicule. If you have a mullet, I urge you to cut it immediately. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
