PROMO: "ClevelandBack"

[Chuck Woolery 0]

"And so there you have it, folks. Cleveland, Ohio, a beautiful city with some beautiful people. For Island in the Sun Marketing, I'm Calvin Szechstein."

 

"And I'm Drew Carey. Cleveland rocks!"

 

Our camera fades out on a smiling Calvin Szechstein and Drew Carey, in matching Cleveland Indians jerseys, smiling and waving for the camera...

 

-click-

 

Calvin Szechstein sits in a board room, eyes glued on the television screen which is now nothing but a bright blue box and a self-contented smirk on his face. His features have aged since we last saw him as OAOAST Commissioner, but for the most part remain the same -- his hair short and colored a pale gold, steel-grey eyes and a full set of pearly white teeth. His build, obviously athletic but not too rugged, fills out his pinstriped black blazer completely.

 

The room he sits in is completely dark, but not for long, as an unidentified man stands up and flicks on the light. We can see a long oak table in the middle of the room, with the television at the the head and Calvin seated on one side. On the opposite side are three people; the first unidentified man, tall and lean with a little white hair left; a thick woman, with a big mane of curly light-brown hair and too much makeup in a pink pantsuit; and the man in the middle, whose jet-black hair and matching mustache give him a look a little similar to a mustached Jose Canseco. It is this man who speaks first, with a voice unusually soft for a man of his stature.

 

"I love it, Calvin."

 

Calvin smiles. "Thank you, Mr. Business."

 

"No, thank you. I wasn't sure about the idea when you pitched it to me, but the Cleveland Board of Tourism loved it, the test audiences we played it for loved it, and," Business grins at this, "I loved it, and that's all that really matters, right?"

 

Calvin, the woman and the other man all laugh a little harder than the should, allowing Mr. Business to sit back with a smug smile on his mug. Calvin speaks first.

 

"Well, Mr. Business, I appreciate your vote of confidence... in my tenure here at Island in the Sun, I've always been about doing what's best for the company."

 

"And we're going to give you a considerable bonus for it," the woman interjects. "Between your work with the OAOAST, Roadrunner Records, and now with the Cleveland Board of Tourism, we feel you deserve to be paid."

 

"Not paid too much," Mr. Business says, which elicits another round of overlaughing from the rest of the room.

 

"I appreciate it, Mr. Business," Calvin says. "Like I said, I always put forth 100% effort when I'm given a task."

 

"Well, we're not going to waste any time giving you your next assignment," Mr. Business says. "Have you heard of willitblend.com?"

 

"Have I heard of them?" Calvin says. "I love them. I've got their Wladimir Klitschko model in my kitchen and I use it for smoothies all the time. Let me tell you, they're delicious!"

 

"We bought them," Business says dryly.

 

"When?"

 

"Thursday, actually. Happy New Year."

 

"That's great! And you want me to do their marketing campaign?"

 

Mr. Business sighs. "Explain it to him, George."

 

The slender man leans forward in his chair, his voice a stage whisper. "Calvin, in purchasing willitblend.com, we picked up all of their sponsorships, assets, et cetera. In doing so, we now are the primary sponsors of the Smarks Wrestling Federation. As you may already have guessed, this is a prime position for Island in the Sun Marketing, and over the past twenty-four hours our phones have been ringing with clients trying to get their product on SWF television."

 

"I see."

 

"Now, we toyed with several ideas for how to push product. Some decisions were obvious; as primary sponsors, we can give commercial spots to clients at discounted rates, and we've already negotiated a deal with Royal Crown Cola to make them the sole soda sponsor of the SWF, but there's not enough time in the show."

 

"... George." Calvin shoots him a dark look. "What are you getting at?"

 

"Short of putting a scrolling advertisement at the bottom of the screen, we have no real way of pushing our clients' merchandise on television as often as we need to."

 

"George!"

 

"We need you to step back into the ring."

 

Calvin... well, Calvin just looks shocked and confused. He turns his focus to Mr. Business. "Fred, they already have a sponsored wrestler."

 

Mr. Business shrugs. "And nobody likes him. We're going to position you as the likeable alternative. Like, he's Phil Donahue, and you're Oprah."

 

"Great." Calvin fumes. "I haven't wrestled in two years."

 

"Have you still been going to the gym?" the woman asks.

 

Calvin looks at her blankly. "Look at this figure."

 

The woman snorts, and Mr. Business smiles. "Like riding a bike, Calvin, don't worry about it."

 

"But... what if they don't like me?" Calvin whines, to which the other three look at each other and smile knowingly.

 

"I wouldn't worry about that, Calvin," says Mr. Business. "Your goal is not to become World champion. Your goal is to push merchandise for clients of Island in the Sun Marketing. We've signed you up through the end of the year, and we were aware that you haven't wrestled in nearly two years, so we've brought in a second party to help you with your workload."

 

"A partner?" Calvin moans. "I know Drew Carey was in the Royal Rumble, but that doesn't make him a wrestler."

 

Mr. Business laughs. "It's not Drew, Calvin. Look, he's going to be at the show in New York on the tenth, and you guys are going to be teaming. Until then, I want you in Buffalo on the third, and I want to see your face on my television screen. I'm sending Miranda on the road with you to keep everything organized..."

 

"I never needed a secretary, Mr. Business, I certainly don't need one now."

 

"She's cute and you're single."

 

"... nevermind then."

 

"Anyway, she'll be in Buffalo on the third with your new tights and a list of sponsors and products. The two of you can figure out how to work it into your screen time. You'll be flying out Monday night."

 

Calvin looks like he wants to put up a fight, but he's out of argument points, so he just slouches in his chair, pouting. Mr. Business smiles.

 

"You're dismissed. And Calvin," Mr. Business calls as Calvin gets up to leave. Szechstein turns around, and Mr. Business points at him, smiling. "Cleveland rocks!"

 

Calvin shakes his head and exits, mumbling "fucking cake-eater" to himself as our camera fades to black...

 

---

 

if anybody wants to answer the open tag challenge for the tenth, let me know ASAP so we can do a promo for the third.

[The Amazing Rando 0]

Aw snap... here comes Totally Endorsed.

[Toxxic 0]

This looks interesting.

[Lightning Flik 0]

So now Totally Endorsed will invade the SWF.

 

...I wonder if "The Slacker" will make an appearance or not.