Tony149 0 Report post Posted January 1, 2007 MEAN GENE One of the more, shall we say...unique match-ups of the evening features a battle that began over the desecration of an inflatable sheep doll. MARIA Oh, no. Did he die in the war? MEAN GENE Uh, in a matter of speaking, yes. The war between Los Diablos de Fuego and Los Conquistadors. MARIA That's so sad. I bet his loved ones are maaaaad. MEAN GENE Disturbing but funny nonetheless. Anyway, Maria, sweetheart, why don't we reveal the final tallies. Fans had the option of choosing to see a Mexican deathmatch, a barbed wire coal miner's glove match or an inflatable sheep on a pole match, persumably the remains of El Ovéja, the beloved Los Diablos de Fuego masoct executed not long ago on worldwide television. And the fans voted overwhelmingly to see... a) Mexican Deathmatch 60% b) Barbed Wire Coal Miner's Glove 1% c) Inflatable Sheep On A Pole 39% MEAN GENE (CONT'D) ...a Mexican deathmatch! I guess the memory of Sting vs. Jake "The Snake" Roberts haunts the minds of every wrestling fan, as the coal miner's glove -- barbed wire coal miner's glove -- match receives only 1% of the vote while the idea of an inflatable sheep on a pole intrigued 39% of the fanbase. For those who have never witnessed a Mexican deathmatch, the rules are quite simple: After a pinfall is made the man pinned has till the count of 10 to return to his feet or his team will lose. Basically a last man standing match with scattered pinfalls. With that, Michael Buffer take it away! Call Me (Call Me) BUFFER Wrestling fans, the rules have been explained so let's meet the participants! Introducing first, accompanied to the ring by their adviser MACKENZIE DECENZO...the meanest and baddest men in Latin America... LOS CONQUISADOOOOOORRRRRRRSSSSSSS! Waiting ringside for Mackie and Los Conquistadors are OAOAST agents Terry Taylor, Rick Martel and referees Nick Patrick and Jack Doan, the latter of whom have both been assigned to the match. MACKENZIE :huh: (screeching) Noooooo! COLE Whatever was said isn't sitting too well with Mackenzie DeCenzo. She is irate. Mackie argues with the officials as Jack relays the message to ring announcer Michael Buffer. Even the non-English speaking Conquistadors know this isn't good news. BUFFER Ladies and gentlemen, your attention please. I have just been informed Mackenzie DeCenzo has been BARRED FROM RINGSIDE on direct orders from the boss himself, Anglesault! "YEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!" COLE Yeah, yeah! Excellent call. Get her outta here. COACH This isn't right, Mikey. Look at those two brutes, Taylor and Martel, manhandling poor little Mackenzie. Los Conquistadors try to free their advisor as she's escorted backstage by OAOAST officials, to no avail. They don't have too much time to complain because... Humidity's risin' Barometer's getting low According to all sources The street's the place to go BUFFER Their opponents...from sunny Cabo San Lucas, the sexiest tag team in all of Mehico, MARIACHI and MORACCA... LOS DIABLOS DE FFFUUUUUEEEEEGGOOOOOO! Having learned a thing or two from their tagging with Dance Dance Dragon, Los Diablos dance out onto the stage, bumping and humping guardrails on their way to the ring. The pink and yellow lights flashing, "It's Raining Men" blaring through the loud speakers. Moracca hands a teenage boy his sombrero before he and Mariachi hop on the apron and slingshot in, not wasting anytime going after their beloved mascot's murders. * DINGDINGDING * Los Conquistadors are smashed into opposite turnbuckles and whipped across the ring in an "X" formation. Los Diablos charge in and monkey flip the Conquistadors out of the corner, finishing the rapid series of moves with duel dropkicks to the knees. While Moracca follows up with another dropkick, to the head, Mariachi rides Dos like a horse, spanking him as he yells “Giddy up!” COACH These guys are an embarrassment to the company, to the country. Hell, they're not even here legally! To think they could one day become tag team champions is horrifying. Uno and Dos seek shelter outside but Los Diablos have none of that, running up the ropes and somersaulting onto Los Conquistadors! COLE The action is fast and furious to start. Moracca tossing Uno, or the man we persume is Uno, back in. These Conquistadors hard to tell apart. Fortunately OAOAST officials decided to assign 2 referees to follow the action. Springboard legdrop finds its mark, but Uno kicks out of Moracca's cover before the referee even has a chance to count. An early message to Los Diablos de Fuego that it's not over yet. Stinging overhand chops keep Uno rattled as Mariachi hooks up with his partner inside. The ambigously flamboyant duo take Uno around the world in a tilt-a-whirl, slamming him into the canvas flapjack style. Upon seeing Dos return to his feet, Mariachi heads to the ropes and grabs onto the top as he swings himself over and right onto the Golden Boy, snapping him to the ground with a huracarrana! Los Diablos trade places, with Mariachi sliding in as Moracca steps out on the apron and catches Dos on the way up with a running cannonball! Inside, Mariachi shoots Uno into the ropes and handsprings up onto his shoulders, twisting around to perform a flying headscissors! Then he flies off the top for a hurricarana, which Uno counters into a powerbomb! 1... 2... Kickout! To add insult to injury, Uno hits Mariachi with his own piledriver! 1... 2... 3! * DINGDINGDING * BUFFER The winners of the fall, Los Conquistadors! Mariachi now has till the count of 10 to make it back to his feet or lose the match for his team. Despite no official rest period, that's exactly how the 10 count serves as. It's anything but as Los Conquistadors look to finish Moracca as well, lifting him up for a double suplex outside...but he floats over and clotheslines both Conquistadors into the crowd, pulls in the guardrail and asks for everyone to get back as he springs off the middle rope, twisting and turning in midair before moonsaulting onto Los Conquistadors! 1... 2... 3! * DINGDINGDING * COLE A double pin! How 'bout that? BUFFER The winners of the fall, Los Diablos de Fuego! Los Conquistadors now have till the count of 10 to make it back to their feet or lose the match. COLE You heard it, fans. Since both men got pinned both must return to their feet, otherwise the match is over and Los Diablos win. Lost in the chaos, Mariachi, still down from the piledriver. FOUR... FIVE... SIX... As the slowest 10 count in history ensues, Moracca climbs back into the ring and proceeds to administer MOUTH-TO-MOUTH...with extra tongue! COLE Well, uh... COACH That's one of the most uncomforable situations I've ever been around. How do you call that? SEVEN... Mariachi comes to at eight, thankful to his knight in shining armor. Both masked men stare into each other's eyes. And I will always love you. I will always love you. You, my darling you. Hmm. COLE We apologize for the audio difficulties, ladies and gentlemen. Apparently a glitch in our sound system. Los Conquistadors help each other up to break their countout at six. As they hop over the railing, the golden duo are psyched out by sight of the two flaming luchadors fastly approaching. Being men of style Los Diablos adjust in mid-move, hurdling over the top rope, landing safely on the apron. They kick Los Conquistadors in the head and then connect with stereo ASAI MOONSAULTS! 1... 2... Kickout x2! Dos is thrown back in, while Moracca and Uno rage battle outside. On the bad end of things Uno grabs Moracca by the tights and posts him, following it up with a RING BELL SHOT that cuts through the pink mask and skin! 1... 2... 3! BUFFER The winners of the fall, Los Conquistadors. COACH Now [i]this[/i] is what we came to see. COLE Moracca has been lacerated and lacerated deeply. Los Conquistadors have drawn first blood! ONE.... TWO... THREE... FOUR... Meanwhile, inside, Dos is trapped in a single-leg crab which Mariachi turns into a bow and arrow. But he leaves his upper torso exposed, and Uno makes him pay for it with a GUILLOTINE LEGDROP! Los Conquistadors place Mariachi on the top turnbuckle for a super backdrop, but Dos' leg buckles as they're about to lift off, allowing Mariachi to slip out over and crack both Conquistadoors heads together, knocking Uno down to the arena floor. Mariachi settles Dos on the top and hits a mind-blowingly awesome REVERSE FRANKENSTEINER!! 1... 2... 3! * DINGDINGDING * BUFFER The winners of the fall, Los Diablos de Fuego! Mariachi rushes to the aid of Moracca, bringing him to his feet to break the countout at nine. COACH What's up with these counts? They're taking forever. I counted Moracca out minutes ago. COLE The referees aren't operating on "Coach Time." They're given the wrestlers every chance to make it back to their feet. They understand the importance of this match to both teams. With a pause in the action perhaps the hottest looking SECURITY GUARD in the world, who looks alot like Mackenzie DeCenzo, appears out of nowhere and hands Uno a GUCCI PURSE. The purse produces a one size too small BARBED WIRE TIARA which is used to "CROWN" Mariachi! "OOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHH!" COLE Do you know who that was? COACH I couldn't tell from here. COLE Don't give me that. That was Mackenzie DeCenzo and you know it. She handed Uno that damn purse. First it was a glove wrapped in barbed wire, now it's a tiara wrapped in barbed wire! COACH Jesus probably wishes he'd look as good as Mariachi does right now. Beats the hell outta a loin cloth. COLE How blasphemous! As if it couldn't get any worse for Mariachi, Los Conquistadors hit a spike piledriver for the sole purpose of driving the barbed wire tiara deeper into the skull. Rather than go for the pin and the possible knockout, they seek to humilate Mariachi even further, pulling a TABLE out from underneath the ring and set it outside. Before they have the opportunity to put Mariachi through the table, Moracca returns en fuego. Bloody, battered and beaten but still full of mucha lucha, Moracca frustrates Los Conquistadors using his speed to strike fast and avoid capture. Charging forward, Uno and Dos miss grabbing ahold of Moracca as he crawls under a double clothesline attempt and nails them both with a running BUTT thump! COLE I've heard of using your head, but your BUTT? COACH Believe you me, Los Diablos use their butts as much as they use their heads. Go to any "singles bar" and you'll find him. Moracca stays on the attack, firing a Conquistador into the ropes, but it's reversed. Moracca remains cool under pressure and performs a moonsault off the second rope, but nobody's home. Luckily, he's able to land on his feet...until Dos clotheslines him straight to hell. Moracca rolls out to the floor to avoid being pinned, bringing himself back up with the aid of the guardrail. No time for a breather though. Dos whips Uno across the ring, giving his partner extra momentum as he dives through the ropes and... * THUD * ...eats a CHAIRSHOT! COLE Oh, my! Uno may be-- no, he is busted open! Moracca grabbing a ringside fan's chair as a weapon. Here's the cover! 1... 2... 3! * DINGDINGDING * BUFFER The winners of the fall, Los Diablos de Fuego! You've heard of a pissed off prep, now get a load of a pissed off Conquistador. As Jack Doan counts Uno out on the floor, Dos yanks Moracca onto the apron and gouges the eyes. Blinded, Moracca swings wildly as Dos understandably gets the better end of the exchange. Focused on the task at hand Dos doesn't see Mariachi sneak up and dropkick him towards Moracca, who sorta monkey flips Dos into the air and face-first into the ringpost! Uno crumbles to the ground and is soon surrounded by drips of blood on the protective mats. Another victim in this deathmatch. He gets up groggy and walks right into a hurricarana from the apron...but he manages to catch Moracaa in midair and slam him straight back into the ringpost!! 1... 2... 3! * DINGDINGDING * BUFFER The winners of the fall, Los Conquistadors! The pin is made just as Uno gets up, ending his count at eight. He doesn't have long to celebrate Dos' pinfall, brought down by Mariachi's infamous springboard seated senton into compromising position. Compromising position because Mariachi passes up the pin in favor of dishing out more punishment, painfully removing the barbed wire tiara from his head to stuff it in the face of Uno...but Dos comes along and saves the day. The two Conquistadors pound on Mariachi, strangling him with his own arm tassel as Uno viciously grinds the tiara into the face! ONE... TWO... THREE... COLE He's a human being, damnit! COACH Must be an interrogation method used in Latin America. They believe in hardcore violence down there. What utter bruality. But great teamwork. After getting busted open by the ringpost Uno needed some much needed time to recover and Dos gave him just that, lying a beatdown on that peasent Mariachi. FOUR... FIVE... SIX... Dos literally drags Mariachi around the ring by the tassel wrapped around his neck! Mariachi desperately tries to escape the Conquistador's clutches, every breath he takes possibly being his last. They reach the timekeeper's table and Dos goes straight for the ring bell, taking his eyes off Mariachi long enough for him to blind his fellow mask competitor with the Los Diablos de Fuego trademark SOMBRERO! From one trademark to another, in Mariachi's case, as the PITCH FORK is jabbed into Dos' gut and then across his back! Speaking of which, Uno jumps on Mariachi, riding him to the ground. With the action having moved across the ring, Moracca is forgotten on the flip side. Which is okay by him as he's given all the time in the world to rest. He watches as Los Conquistadors lay Mariachi on the table already set up on the floor. Uno makes sure Mariachi stays down as Dos brings in another table, stacking it on top of the one with Mariachi. COLE Oh, my. What do Los Conquistadors have in mind? COACH Pain and destruction! Apparently Los Conquistadors were never Boy Scouts, as Mariachi manages to wiggle free just when Dos is about to be launched off the top. You know what happens next. If not: Moracca crotches Dos on the turnbuckles and knocks Uno off the apron and through the stack of tables! That riles up the crowd and Los Diablos de Fuego. Moracca sucks Dos back into the ring in a REAR NAKED CHOKE W/DRY HUMPING~! "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" COLE (disgusted) Aw, what's he doing here?! He being THEODORE MONEYMAKER. The Enterprise CEO on his way to squared circle when he's stopped by Mariachi, drawing both referees outside to keep the peace. Which allows CHRISTIAN WRIGHT to run in and nail Moraaca upside head with an OXYGEN TANK, then revive both Conquistadors before fleeing through the crowd! COLE No! No! Turn around ref! COACH Damn, this is brilliant! Naturally, the ref turns and sees a pin attempt. Nick slides in as Jack Doan does his best to keep Teddy and Mariachi separated. 1... 2... 3-- NO! COLE Mariachi with the save just in the nick of time! "YEEEAAAAAAAHHHHH!" Los Conquistadors take their anger out on Mariachi, beating him down like a dog. A stray dog because there's no emotional attachment like it would be beating your own dog. Mariachi is beaten so bad Los Conquistadors set him up for their double team finisher, the slingshot clothesline...but Uno slingshots Mariachi too hard towards the corner, enabling him pick up some serious air and take Dos down off the top with a HURRICARANA! 1... 2... 3! * DINGDINGDING * BUFFER The winners of the fall, Los Diablos de Fuego! ONE... TWO... THREE... Still in disbelief, Uno is unable to break the pin. He snaps out of it and lunges at Mariachi, who brings him down with a drop toehold. Los Diablos then place the barbed wire tiara on his head and hit the spike tombstone piledriver they call THE SODOMIZER! FOUR... FIVE... SIX... SEVEN... EIGHT... NINE... TEN! * DINGDINGDING * BUFFER Ladies and gentlemen, the winners of the match...LOS DIABLOS DE FFFUUUUUEEEEEGGOOOOOO! "YEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHH!" Mentally and physically exhausted, Los Diablos have nothing left in the tank when they're attacked by the BEVERLY HILLS BLONDS! "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" The Blonds have their way with Los Diablos, beating them chairs and Moracca's own rhinestone belt until OAOAST officials are able to arrival and restore order. COLE Surprise, surprise. Ned wasn't injured. He's a fraud. The Blonds are frauds and assholes. Yeah, I said it. A cowardly act on their part. COACH Ned had a valid medical excuse. COLE And somewhere in America a doctor has compromised his ethics for the almight dollar. Let's cut away from this crap. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
