HD: Colombian Heat/Stephen Joseph Popick segment

[Ed Wood Caulfield 0]

The camera cuts to the backstage area where Colombian Heat is standing by, chatting it up with some of the OAOAST's very best: Bill Neilson, Art Simpson, Barry Horowitz, Reno Riggins, and Paul Roma. Okay, so they're all jobbers, but work with me here! Heat is wearing a New England Patriots Tom Brady jersey (CHEAP HEAT!), a Boston Red Sox baseball cap, tilted to the side of course (CHEAP HEAT #2!), and baggy jean shorts (CHEAP HE--oh wait). He's also wearing black Adidas sneakers, a watch on his right arm, a silver medallion around his neck, and his HI-YAH World Tag Team Championship belt around his waist. We catch up with Heat in mid-conversation. 

COLOMBIAN HEAT
Yeah, yo. It ain't no thing but a chicken wing, you know what I'm sayin'? We's pumped those two bustas all over dat ring. Pssshh. It was easy as pie, a'ight? 

JOBBERS
WOW! GREAT STORY HEAT! AWESOME! YOU ROCK! YEAH! 

HEAT
Chyeah. We beat dem two suckas last week. And now, we is going to continue beatin' 'em this Sunday at Anglepalooza in tha Triple Threat Tag Team Match. An' if those two D*LUX cats want a piece of us, then they can come get it! Cuz me and Spanish Fly ain't backing down from nobody! We is gonna defend these Titles with pride, ya heard dat! 

JOBBERS
YEAH! WOW! GREAT! YOU RULE HEAT! YEAH! 

Suddenly, Stephen Joseph Popick walks into the shot, and he is NOT in a happy mood. The jobbers get the hint, and take off, not wanting to incur the wrath of The Most Hated Man In The OAOAST. The crowd boos loudly. Colombian Heat sees the jobbers leave, then turns around. He smiles at Popick.

COLOMBIAN HEAT
Yo! What's poppin', Popick? 

STEPHEN JOSEPH POPICK
Don't you use your ghetto slang on me, boy! I am SO not in the mood! 

HEAT
Why? You still pissed dat me an' Spanish Fly took you out last Thursday, and took yo' titles? 

POPICK
That first fall should not have counted! You two CHEATED! The match should have ended in a tie, and WE should still be Tag Team Champions! But, I'm not gonna cry about it. There'll be no need to bring me Kleenex. Me and Puerto are going to right what went wrong this Sunday at Anglepalooza, when we take OUR HI-YAH World Tag Team Titles back FAIR and SQUARE! 

HEAT
It'll be the first time youse won something fair and square. HA! HA! 

POPICK
You know what my problem with you is? 

HEAT
No. Wot's dat? 

POPICK
Tha Puerto Rican, he--he strives to be the best. He works hard every single day. He, and people like him, they study hard, they train hard, they absorb everything they can to better themselves, so that they can make something of their lives, and help their people for the better. But then you, and people like you, come along AND RUIN EVERYTHING! It's because of people like you that Latinos get a bad rap in this country! It's because of people like you that the youth of America are the dumbest they've ever been!    

HEAT
Yo, I ain't American. I is Colombian! 

POPICK
Then, let me rephrase that. It's because of people like you that youth culture is the dumbest it's ever been! People like you give people like Tha Puerto Rican a bad name! 

HEAT
Atleast I'm true to mah'self! Unlike Tha Puerto Rican! 

POPICK
What are you talking about? 

HEAT
He's frontin'! PR ain't really like dat! He's actin' all CORPORATE for yo' approval! He wants to be World Champion so bad dat he'll do anything, even act like a different person, to get tha belt!

POPICK
I don't know what you are talking about Heat. Seriously, I don't. I never understand you! You speak some weird form of Ebonics mixed with stupidity! You make me sick. You, and your stupid hip-hop entrance music! 

HEAT
Don't you come to the ring to a hip-hop song? 

POPICK
The hip-hop I listen to is INTELLIGENT and THOUGHTFUL. I don't come to the ring to no Lil' Jon song! 

HEAT
You should. You're really missing out. YEEEEAAAAHHHHHHH-UH~!

POPICK
STOP THAT! Why can't you be like me? Why can't you change? Why can't you become Corporate? 

HEAT
Yo, I ain't down wit dat. 

POPICK
Change your clothes. Change the way you speak. Change your attitude. Be a better person. Be CORPORATE! 

HEAT
I ain't conformin' for nobody!

"YEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

POPICK
*Sigh* You know, you really disappoint me, Heat. You can be SO much more! 

HEAT
Hey dawg, I can act different. I just don't want to! This is who I really is! I'm keepin' it real! I ain't no poser! Dis is tha real me! I can speak like you. It ain't no hard thing to do. Watch! 

Heat takes off Popick's glasses and puts them on. 

POPICK
Hey! 

COLOMBIAN HEAT (speaking in a stereotypical "nerdy white guy" voice)
Hello there! Pleased to meet you! My name is Colombian Heat! Why I love what you done with the place! Why don't we go outside later and drink some tea and play cricket? Then, we can read the New York Times and listen to NPR while we discuss economics and Shakesphere plays! 

POPICK
You see! You see? You can do it! You can speak like that! Why don't you do that all the time?

HEAT (regular voice)
Yo, youse can kiss my Colombian ass if youse thinkin' I'ma gonna speak like dat all the time! 

The crowd cheers! Popick acts offended by this comment. 

HEAT
An' anyway, I's wasn't done yet. Ahem! ("nerdy white guy voice"): My name is Stephen Joseph Popick! I'm a big four-eyed lame-o! And I wear the same stupid sweater every single day and I am going to (slowly reverting back to his real voice) get mah candy ass kicked this Sunday by Colombian Heat an' his homie, Spanish Fly! 

The crowd cheers again. Heat hands Popick his glasses back. Popick refuses to put them on. He just looks at them with disgust. 

POPICK
Ah Heat, so young and naieve. You have no idea what you're in for this Sunday night. I hope you enjoy these next four days, because your HI-YAH World Tag Team Title reign ain't going to last much longer. I GUARANTEE it! 

HEAT
Ooh! I'ma SOOOOO scared! (Heat does the Scott Hall "wiggly fingers" taunt)

POPICK
Keep on making jokes, Heat! Because me and PRL are going to bring you, Spanish Fly, and D*LUX back to reality at Anglepalooza when we make you all realize that we ARE the best damn tag team in the world! See you Sunday, Heat! 

Stephen Joseph Popick walks away, still looking disgusted at Colombian Heat putting his eyeglasses on. Colombian Heat watches him go with a dirty look on his face. The crowd boos. 

HEAT
An' me and Spanish Fly are gonna make you, PRL, and D*LUX feel the Heat UP IN THIS--

"BI-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATCH~!"

The crowd cheers. Colombian Heat spits in Popick's general direction. 

COLOMBIAN HEAT
Punk! 

Colombian Heat shines his HI-YAH World Tag Team Championship belt, and then walks away, with a swagger in his step. 

HEAT
Gonna get things poppin' at Anglepalooza! Gonna go buckwild in the ring this Sunday! YEAH, YEEEAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! 

(Cut to Sofa Central)

COLE
Colombian Heat looks to be ready for Anglepalooza this Sunday! The winner of the Triple Threat Tag Team Match is up in the air! Nobody knows which team will come out on top! 

COACH
PR/Popick of course! 

COLE
I don't know Coach. All three teams in the match this coming Sunday have held the HI-YAH Tag Team Titles sometime in the past three months! They all know what it's like to be Champions, but only one team can wear the gold after Anglepalooza! 

COACH
It's going to be P.R./Popick. They've got that Championship edge. They know what it's like to be in big title matches unlike Heat/Fly OR D*LUX! And that experience will help them win back what is RIGHTFULLY THEIRS this Sunday at Anglepalooza! They were robbed last Thursday, but they will get some payback Sunday night! 

The match-up graphic for the PR-Popick/D*LUX/Heat-Fly Triple Threat Tag Team Match for the HI-YAH World Tag Team Championship appears on screen. The classic Royal Rumble theme song plays in the background.

COLE (V.O.)
It's going to be one hell of a match this Sunday at Anglepalooza! Triple Threat Tag Team Match for HI-YAH Tag Team Championship gold. "The Corporate Champion" Tha Puerto Rican and Stephen Joseph Popick vs. D*LUX vs. the defending champions Colombian Heat and Spanish Fly! And coming up later tonight, a little preview of what's in store this Sunday as Tha Puerto Rican takes on "Tremendous" Tyler Bryant and Spanish Fly in a Triple Threat Match that's our main event for this evening's HeldDOWN~!. That's still to come later tonight! 

(Cut back to Sofa Central and Double C.)

COLE (CONT'D)
But for now...