HD: Jade/Krista segment

[King Cucaracha 0]

The shot is that of the closed door to The Enterprise's locker room. Not exactly the most interesting thing in the world, but there ya go. One can only wonder what billion dollar deals are being conducted within that prominent chamber. Perhaps we'll be given an answer shortly, as the door swings open in a slow, cautious manner. Emerging from behind a tiny sliver of space is Jade Rodez, in khaki pants and red polo shirt. She looks around worriedly, concerned with who might have seen her. When she realizes she's been able to exit without being detected a sigh of relief leaves her lips. It's quickly overshadowed by a feeling of dread however when the exact last person Jade wished to see, Krista Isadora Duncan, is spotted strolling down the hall. Legs almost frozen in space, all Jade can attempt to do is cover up the powerful words of “The Enterprise” scribbled on the door. Krista seems to be preoccupied with a phone conversation...well, considering that's it's Krista, it's mostly her doing the talking, and the other person listening and chiming in with the occasional “God, you're so smart, Krista.” Krista sees Jade and smiles sweetly to one of her few friends in the OAOAST. She mouthes the word “Cameron” letting Jade know she's either on the phone with Cameron Diaz or San Diego Padres center fielder Mike Cameron. Safe money is on the former. But if the latter is reading, why u only hit .268 in 06 nigga? Dodgers in oh7 bitch whatchu kno about that? Zito n the giants ain't shIT. Bang bang skeet skeet on ya ho ass.

KRISTA (on the phone)
Yeah, so my baby sister Taylor, another woman in the family who doesn't have the gene that prevents you from completely fucking up the best years of your life, is getting married in a few weeks. I got asked to speak at a rally for gay marriage. You'd sooner get Anne Frank to lead Jews to a concentration camp. Let the straight people keep their institution misery. Marriage is like having cable, and only getting one channel, and that one channel is HBO and the only movie they show is Titanic. You gotta watch your ship sink every hour for the rest of your life. (suddenly hysterical) Take me with you, Leo! Don't leave me here to suffer alone! I can't take it no longer, lord! Save me, lord, save me! (suddenly not hysterical) My mom watches the videotape of her fourth wedding every night. Only in reverse. One day, I said "Mom, why do you keep watching it in reverse." She said "So I can see the bastard take the ring [i]off[/i] my finger." I don't know, maybe Taylor's time'll be different. Maybe she won't join the list of Duncan girls who have been screwed over by bloodsucking creeps. And maybe cows, fluent in six foreign languages will come flying out of my ass and discover the cure for all forms of cancer. Anyway, I should go. Bye, Cam!

Krista slams her phone shut, ending her conversation with Miss Diaz. She turns a smiling face towards Jade, who can only look back with a nervous grimace. Why Jade just didn't leave while Krista was shooting (insider term!) on marriage, man, I don't know. That's wrestling for you.

JADE
Hi, Krista! Great to see you!

KRISTA
Hola, Senorita Rodez. What's going on?

The innocent question causes Jade's face to erupt with a geyser of sweat that does not go unnoticed by Krissy's prying eyes.

JADE
Uhm, going on? Nothing is going on, nothing at all, I resent the implication that something is going on, because nothing is going on. Nothing at all!

KRISTA
Uh-huh. You're sweating pretty profusely, are you okay, darling?

JADE
Yes, of course. Why wouldn't I be? I'm always okay. Always okay. That's me! Always okay Jade! That's what they called me in middle school. Ask my brother, he'll vouch! Yes he will. Uh-huh!

KRISTA
Had one not just finished off the entire contents of a beer bong, one might be aware enough of one's surroundings to surmise that you're either in the terrible depths of an ether binge or are hiding something. And you don't wanna hide something from your friend and confidant, Krista Isadora Duncan, do you? Especially when this friend happens to posses [i]two[/i] Masters degrees and a PhD. I can find anything, Jade, no matter how hard. If it's difficult, it'll take a day, impossible, it'll take a week. Why, I could sniff out the lost treasure of Atlantis, if I wasn't so afraid that prolonged exposure to water would make my beautiful tan skin all pruney and ugly. So, what are you hiding from me?

JADE
(scoffs unconvincingly)
Hiding? Me? Nothing! I can't just stand in a suspicious position without drawing dirty looks?

KRISTA
You're cheating on your diet aren't you? I knew it! Jesus Christ in a Taxi Cab, Jade, I spent a whole two weeks designing that thing for you. I missed the finale of [i]Dancelife[/i] on MTV! Am I gonna have to get you one of those electric dog collars that'll shock you whenever you get near a McDonalds? Because I will. Welcome to the wonderful world of McDonald's how may I help you? Yes, I'd like a ZAAAAP! And a side of BUZZZZZZ! And an order of ZZZZZZT! Would you like anything to drink with your freshly charred corpse? Don't think my dietary  methods are above that, you don't become a celebrity fitness queen without being ruthless. I'll do it faster than Alix's doctor can diagnois her with anorexia nervousa.

JADE
I didn't cheat on my diet, you said I could have one fudgecicle a week.

KRISTA
Then you're still hiding something.

Krista tries to look behind Jade's back and she panics. Like, even more than before. Krista shrugs her shoulders and smirks, obviously having a bit of fun interrogating her secretive friend. Jade on the other hand is not enjoying herself and continues to pour beads of sweat.

KRISTA
Okay we can do this the hard way, the medium way, the easy way, or the medium-hard way, or the kind of hard-easy way with perhaps a sprinkle of medium dashed in for good measure.

JADE
Can't we just go gossip at the makeup table instead?

KRISTA
Easy-medium way with a dash of hard-below average medium it is.

Jade is supremely shocked when Krista wraps her hands around her waist and foists her in the air. Before Jade knows it she's being shuffled away from the door she was guarding, and a frustrated groan comes from her mouth. Previously amused, Krista now looks outright disgusted as she eyes the lettering on the door. Her blazing blue eyes direct an icy stare upon a withering Jade.

KRISTA
E-N-T-E-R-P-R-I-S-E? Please tell me that's the way all the cool illiterate eighth grade dropouts are spelling D*LUX these days.

JADE
Uh, not quite.

KRISTA
Then do you mind telling your dearest friend who stays up on the phone with you until three AM in the morning listening to you fawn over Scotty Static because he smiled at you in the cafeteria, why you were just in the company of the OAOAST's equivalent of the third reich? Baking cupcakes with Himmler perhaps?

JADE
I was just signing the contract for the Blonds versus D*LUX match at Anglemania. That's it. Nothing else.

KRISTA
Ever heard of a fax machine?

JADE
A what?

KRISTA
Ever heard that The Enterprise is a gang of overpoweringly arrogant white elitist jackasses who should have their shrived up balls rammed down their throats, and who's only redeeming quality is that they're guaranteed to spend the next eternity and half roasting like chestnuts over hell's open fire?

JADE (meekly)
Krista, that's not... that true. I know you're not exactly on speaking terms with any of them. But, they were all perfect gentlemen when I was in there with them. Even Mackenzie, although technically she's not a gentlemen, but ya know, the point is that for all the mean things you've said about them they were actually really sweet. And Ned, I know you don't want to hear this, but he's not the same guy you hate so much. He's changed, I swear. He talks about politics, and music and culture. Hanging out with Moneymaker... it's changed him. For the better.

KRISTA
I can't believe those words just came out of your mouth. You're young and naive, so let the grizzled old she-wolf of the pack hip to you the way the world really is. If I've seen anything since watching Ned move through the criminal ranks of the The Enterprise it's that he's still the same bloodless, homophobic, racist, cocksucker he's always been. If anything he's more of vicious fuckhead now then he's been in all the years I've known him.

JADE (softly)
Krista you can't say things like that.

KRISTA
I'm old, I'm drunk, I'm gorgeous and I'm famous, a damn near lethal combination that allows me to say whatever the hell I want. God Bless America, our home sweet home.

JADE
If you just tried to get to know people better... I mean, weren't you and Alix gonna take Maya to a renaissance festival at UCLA this weekend? Why don't you invite Ned and Simon along?

KRISTA
Excellent idea, Jade! And perhaps I can hang myself from the maypole after the jousting exhibition.

Jade simply shakes her head in sadness.

JADE
It was just a sugges...

KRISTA
Listen, amongst the spineless, calculating toadies like Christian Wright and Mackenzie DeCenzo, who ride Moneymaker's coattails to sweet jobs and fat contracts, Ned is the one guy who genuinely believes in the Enterprise's fountain of bullshit. 

Jade prepares a counterargument but Kris' authoritative tone silences her.

KRISTA
Ned and Moneymaker are the living breathing incarnation of what American “drive and fortitude” truly is, a spineless, slavish, power worshiping pursuit of the continual domination of all those who are perceived as “weaker” then they are. And people like Christopher Patrick Allen or Simon Singleton fall for The Enterprise's game. And it's easy to see why. The lies, the deceit, the misconceptions are all packaged into a shiny, glossy, easily digestible box. You act like you know what you're doing and people will eat up whatever you serve them. They'll crawl over smoking hot coals to eat wet dogshit, chase it down with a cup of piss, and then beg for more. You just can't ever flinch as you ladle it onto their plate. But Jade, you're so much better then that. If you have any backbone at all, have even a shred of decency, like I know you do underneath all that blissful ignorance, you won't play their game.

MELODY (eavesdropping with Baron Windells from behind a potted plant)
TELL EM WHY U MAD, DAWG

After a quick look towards the surprise interruption, Jade looks Krista dead in the eye. Or, at least as dead in the eye as her trembling body will allow her.

JADE
I don't need you to read me the riot act for a contract signing that took all of three minutes! I'm a big girl, I can handle myself and I just [i]did[/i] handle myself without a lecture from you beforehand. If you want to guilt trip me, or sell me on your agenda, then do it. But don't do it over something that I haven't even done or isn't my fault! I appreciate that you care, but I don't need you to try and parent me every second of the day. I'm not Alix.

KRISTA
I just want you to...

JADE
Krista, I don't need you to want anything...

KRISTA
Okay, okay, okay, I'm sorry I bothered caring about you. Just please be careful, because when you back the wrong horse, you end up sharing the same bottle of glue.

Krista walks away, not altogether pleased with the outcome of their conversation. Jade looks on in confusion because she never actually knew glue was made out of horses. Innocence lost?