HD: "The Corporate Champion" Tha Puerto Rican Promo

[Ed Wood Caulfield 0]

This is supposed to start the "second hour" of HeldDOWN~!, but really, place this sometime before the scheduled Vitamin X/Jacob Cross match please. kthxbye

 

The lights go down in the arena. The crowd is buzzing in anticipation. 

COLE
What the--? What's going on now? 

COACH
I don't know, but I'm scared! 

Suddenly, Gregorian chants start playing over the P.A. system. Smoke fills the entrance stage. The crowd is puzzled. 

COLE
This is eerie, Coach. 

COACH
You can say that again. 

COLE
This is eerie, Coach. 

COACH
Shut up. 

*BONG!*

*BONG!*

*BONG!*

*BONG!*

The funeral march now plays, better known as The Undertaker's theme song. 

COLE
What is going on here!? 

COACH
It looks like we're having a funeral! 

COLE
A FUNERAL!? For whom!?

A blue light shines on the entrance stage. The entrance doors slide open, and out from the smoke come four Druids carrying a white casket. Two of the Druids are much bigger than the other two. 

COLE
My God. It's...a casket! Being wheeled to the ring by Druids! 

COACH
This is certainly something we don't see in the OAOAST every week! 

COLE
Yeah. (Thank Goodness)

The white casket has been spray-painted with numerous Lightning Crew propaganda: "P.R. RULZ", "PRT 9:12", "LIGHTNING CREW 4-LIFE", "BOHEMOTH SUX", "PRL IS GOD", "LC > OAOAST", and "WE ARE IN CONTROL!" Following the casket and the Druids is Stephen Joseph Popick, wearing sunglasses and a black suit and tie ensemble. Next to him is a woman wearing a veil over her head in addition to a black sports jacket, a white dress shirt, white gloves, a black mini-skirt, and black heels. 

COLE
Wait a minute? Popick? A spray-painted casket? What is going on here!? 

COACH
Something mighty interesting, Cole! 

COLE
Why do I get the feeling this is leading to something I won't like? 

COACH
Because you're a negative Nancy, that's why! 

The Funeral March continues playing as the casket is wheeled to ringside. The woman uses a napkin to wipe tears from her eyes. Popick consoles her. The Druids slowly (and I mean SLOWLY) wheel the spray-painted white casket next to the ring. 

COLE
This is a bizarre scene as we begin the second hour of HeldDOWN~!. 

The two smaller Druids walk over and bow their heads before the casket. Then, one of them opens the top of the casket...





and THA PUERTO RICAN pops right up from inside the casket laughing manically like the Cryptkeeper from Tales From The Crypt! 

COLE
I knew it! 

COACH
PR is here! And he's alive! 

The Funeral March is immediately replaced with "Know Your Role '99"! The lights go back on inside the arena. The crowd boos loudly. The two big Druids help PRL out of the white casket, and then remove their hoods to reveal CUBAN WALL and MR. BORICUA! The two smaller Druids remove their hoods to reveal THOMAS RODRIGUEZ and THE BONE THUG. All four men remove the Druid outfits. PRL taunts the fans at ringside and then walks with a cocky swagger up the ring steps. Popick removes his sunglasses and applauds his client. 

COLE
This is just another Lightning Crew charade! Tha Puerto Rican, rubbing it in the fans' faces that he's still standing after the BRUTAL Hell In A Cell Match last Sunday at School's Out! 

COACH
He proved EVERYBODY wrong, Michael! EVERYBODY thought PRL was dead meat! EVERYBODY thought last Sunday was the final match of Tha Puerto Rican's career! But they were PROVEN WRONG! They were WRONG! PRL should celebrate! He surprised EV-VER-RE-BO-DY! 

COLE
I guess Tha Puerto Rican has a right to celebrate...

COACH
He sure does.

COLE
But he needed some help last Sunday to beat Bohemoth. Namely, he had to have Vitamin X dress up as Caboose in order to win! 

COACH
Eh, that's all schematics. Anything goes in a Hell In A Cell Match remember? The important thing is that PRL had his hand raised last Sunday night, and NOT Bohemoth! 

Stephen Joseph Popick holds the ropes for Tha Puerto Rican to enter the ring. He spins around; soaking in the fans' boos while "Know Your Role '99" continues playing over the P.A. system. He does the HBK muscle pose while pyro goes off behind him. PRL laughs manically some more. He is wearing a bandage around his head and is wearing sunglasses this time to hide the fact that both his eyes are black and blue. He's also dressed in a black suit and tie ensemble in addition to his usual $500 Rolex watch on his right wrist and engagement ring on his right ring finger.

COACH
Look at him! So brave, so strong. He went through HELL last Sunday, and yet, four days later he has decided to grace us with his presence. Really, he shouldn't have! 

COLE
Yes. He REALLY SHOULDN'T have! 

The Lightning Crew and Stephen Joseph Popick all enter the ring in their usual attire, except for Ms. Lindsay Gonzalez, who STRIPS...to reveal a red Rancid tank top with the right strap cut off to reveal a black bra strap, a gold necklace, an engagement ring on her right ring finger, and an even SHORTER skirt, this one denim blue with purple stars drawn on it. Lindsay hands PRL the black spray-painted briefcase with *his* Golden Contract still inside. PRL kisses Lindsay and then goes to get a microphone. 

COACH
And he gets to go home to *that* every night! Wow, PRL is a lucky guy right now! 

COLE
As much as it pains me to say it, he is on top of the world right now. Two big victories took place at School's Out last Sunday. Zack's, obviously, but also Tha Puerto Rican's. And not only that, but Bohemoth suffered a concussion thanks to the cricket bat to the head and will be out of action indefinitely! 

COACH
HA HA! That's great to hear! 

COLE
Not so great for Bohemoth. 

COACH
Well, DUH! But great for Tha Puerto Rican! He has taken down another OAOAST superstar, and STILL is in possession of the Golden Contract! What a great time it is to be Tha Puerto Rican! 

"THE CORPORATE CHAMPION" THA PUERTO RICAN
HALLELUJAH! HALLELUJAH! THE CHAMP...IS...ALIVE! 

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" 

COACH
Hallelujah!

"Know Your Role '99" dies down. But the crowd is still booing. PRL smiles evilly. The Lightning Crew and Stephen Joseph Popick all watch with evil grins on their faces. 

"P.R. SUCKS!"
"P.R. SUCKS!"
"P.R. SUCKS!"
"P.R. SUCKS!"

THA PUERTO RICAN
Now, now, now. Settle down. Settle down. Now, I hate to say 'I told you so', but...I TOLD YOU SO! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! 

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" 

PRL
I told you all that I would live to fight another day! I told you all that I would STILL be the Man With The Golden Contract. I TOLD YOU ALL that Bohemoth would DIE, and guess what? I DID EVERYTHING I SAID I WOULD DO! 

COLE
Well, he did 2 of those things. 

COACH
Well, 2 out of 3 ain't bad. 

THA PUERTO RICAN (CONT'D)
I stand before you today STILL YOUR Corporate Champion! I stand before you today STILL the holder of The Golden Contract! And most importantly, I simply stand before you today, NOT Bohemoth! 

The crowd boos viciously. PRL smirks. 

"ASSSSS-HOLE!"
"ASSSSS-HOLE!"
"ASSSSS-HOLE!"
"ASSSSS-HOLE!"

THA PUERTO RICAN
Go on. Keep booing me. I live off of making you guys pissed off! 

The booing gets LOUDER. A "P.R. SUCKS" chant breaks out. 

COLE
The hatred these fans feel for Tha Puerto Rican is amazing! 

COACH
It's a bit unhealthy too. Seriously, these fans need some anger management! 

PRL
It was supposed to be my day of reckoning! It was supposed to be my judgment day! It was supposed to be My Last Stand! But in life, what's *supposed* to happen, and what *does* happen sometimes don't always match up! Last Sunday, when you all sat down in your trailer parks and watched School's Out, I know you were all hoping that you were watching my retirement match, weren't you? 

"YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

PRL
Yeah, I thought so. And you were all hoping that Bohemoth would rip me apart limb from limb right? 

"YEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" 

PRL
Yep. I'm sure you were. And while it's true that I did not leave that match unscathed, all it takes is a little elbow grease and some plastic surgery, and I'll be back to 100% in no time! 

PRL smiles, revealing that he somehow has gotten back the two front teeth that he lost on Sunday.

COLE
Are those...fake teeth? 

COACH
So what if they are? You think P.R. would go through life like that?

COLE
They're still fake, Coach. 

COACH
IT DOESN'T MATTER IF THEY'RE FAKE! They're there, and that's that! Now let us never speak of them again.

PR
I had my doubts, I admit it. I was a bit scared, a bit worried that I would be hurt in this match. That I would have several broken bones. That I would not be around for my own wedding. And yes, I got the HELL beaten out of me by Bohemoth. I got hurt. Hell, I fell off the Cell through a BARRICADE for Christ's sake! It was the most dangerous, violent, brutal match I've ever had. I went through HELL last Sunday night! But you know what...I SURVIVED! That's right! I...SUR-VIVED! I I came out of that match ALIVE! I got out of that Cell as the winner, NOT the loser! And I am standing on my own two feet tonight in front of all you pieces of trailer park trash, while Bohemoth sits in a hospital bed somewhere in Houston a LO-SER!

COACH
PR is speaking the truth! He is not lying! Not at all! Everything he says is TRUE! 

COLE
Yes. Yes. I know! Don't remind me! 

"YOU SUCK!"
"YOU SUCK!"
"YOU SUCK!"
"YOU SUCK!"

Tha Puerto Rican chuckles. 

THA PUERTO RICAN
Ask your mother, sister, niece, and grandmother how much I SUCK! 

COLE
Grandmother? 

COACH
P.R. likes the boomin' grannies with big old panties.

THA PUERTO RICAN
I can now add the Hell In A Cell to my list of accomplishments in addition to being a 3-time Puerto Rican Champion! A former North American Champion! A former HI-YAH World Tag Team Champion! The greatest X-Division Champion EVER! AND the longest reigning 24/7 Champion in One And Only AngleSault Thread history! I am a GOD in the squared circle and a Casanova in the bedroom! 

(PRL winks at Lindsay. Lindsay blushes.)

PRL
I am the greatest Puerto Rican athlete of all-time! Even my friend, "Tito" Trinidad says I'm better than him, and he's a freakin' boxing LEGEND! I am the controller of my own destiny and right now things couldn't have been better. In short, I RULE. YOU SUCK! 

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" 

COACH
I'm not worthy! 

"BO-HE-MOTH!"
"BO-HE-MOTH!"
"BO-HE-MOTH!"
"BO-HE-MOTH!"

PRL
Bohemoth? BOHEMOTH!? THERE'S one name you won't be hearing for a while! 

The crowd boos. PRL laughs. 

TPR
Last Sunday, Bohemoth was added to my list. I have taken out yet ANOTHER OAOAST superstar, yet ANOTHER one of your 'heroes'! I have beaten each and every person the OAOAST has thrown at me. You set them up, and I knock 'em down! And Bohemoth joined the illustrious list last Sunday night at School's Out! Bohemoth joined the list that includes such names as Naz Mistry.

"YEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

TPR
K-NESS. 

"YEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

TPR
"Shooter" Jay Darring. 

"YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

TPR
Panther. 

"YEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

TPR
D*LUX.

"YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

TPR
John "Rock Hard" Brickston. 

"YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

TPR
The Mad Cappa. 

"YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

TPR
Colombian Heat. 

"YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

TPR
And Leon Rodez. 

"YEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" 

TPR
I have beaten each...and...every one of them, MORE THAN ONCE in some cases! And now, Bohemoth has joined that PRESTIGIOUS CORPORATE list! I have taken down the people you love! I have laid to waste the people you root for! I have slay the people whose names you chant! I have done all of that, and yet you people STILL don't give me the respect I deserve! You people STILL boo me! You people STILL throw stuff at me! You shouldn't be doing that crap! Each and every one of you idiots should be standing up right now, and chanting my name! 'P.R.!' 'P.R.!' 'P.R.!' 'P.R.!' 'P.R.!' 'P.R.!' 'P.R.!' 'P.R.!' 

P.R.'s "P.R.!" chant morphs into another "P.R. SUCKS!" chant. 

"P.R. SUCKS!"
"P.R. SUCKS!"
"P.R. SUCKS!"
"P.R. SUCKS!"

P.R. sneers at the crowd. The Lightning Crew and Popick sneer with him. 

COACH
No respect. He gets no respect! 

COLE
Maybe if he earned it. 

COACH
What more must he do? 

COLE
Maybe win fairly once in a while.

THA PUERTO RICAN
You see, that's why I'm going to continue making your lives a living HELL! 

"BOO!"
"HISS!"
"BOO!"
"HISS!" 

PRL
Now, I must give credit where credit is due. I did not win this match all by myself last Sunday. No, I had some help. Some very good CORPORATE help! So now, it is my honor to introduce to you, the Financial Consultant for The Lightning Crew (The boos start), the Second-In-Command of The Lightning Crew (The boos grow), my right hand man (Louder) and my BEST FRIEND, The Prince of The Lightning Crew, Prince Vitamin, VITAMINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN EXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX! 

*KA-CHING~!*

*Come and take your Vitamin X.*

"Bling-Bling" by The B.G. featuring The Big Tymers and Hot Boys starts playing. The crowd boos loudly. Dollar signs are superimposed over the entrance ramp. The entrance doors slide open, and Vitamin X comes out, accompanied by Princess Stacey of The Lightning Crew. X is wearing a blue collared shirt, a gold chain around his neck, a dark blue sports jacket, a $500 Rolex watch around his right wrist, sunglasses, blue jeans with a leather belt, and black workman boots. Princess Stacey is wearing a blue blouse with white trimming, blue jeans, a necklace with her name on it, gold bracelets around her wrists, black heel shoes, and of course, her tiara. VX walks down the entrance ramp with a smile on his face, his right arm hooked with Princess Stacey's right arm. 

COLE
There's the man who turned the tide for Tha Puerto Rican last Sunday! 

COACH
The X-Man made his return, and all is right with the world again! 

COLE
I can't believe we all thought Caboose would be the one that beat up Bohemoth last Sunday! 

COACH
Well...it's not like Caboose has been a saint in the past! 

COLE
Coach, he changed! For the better! I can't believe I was almost fooled by the damn Lightning Crew! 

COACH
It's happened more than once, Cole. You know it. 

VX warns a fan to keep his hands away from Princess Stacey. He and Stacey walk up the ring steps. 

COLE
Vitamin X hadn't been seen since OAOAST Syndicated last month, and then he makes his return disguised as Caboose! Nobody saw that coming! 

COACH
Which is why it WORKED, Cole! Vitamin X did a BRILLIANT thing last Sunday which will be talked about for years to come! 

VX gets onto a second turnbuckle and crosses his arms into an X. He then jumps off the turnbuckle into the ring. Vitamin X holds the ropes for Princess Stacey to enter the ring. Vitamin X gives PRL a big hug. The two compatriots smile evilly at each other. 

THA PUERTO RICAN
GIVE THIS MAN A ROUND OF APPLAUSE! 

"YOU SUCK X!" shouts one drunken fan. 

PRL does the "We're Not Worthy" bow at X. Prince Vitamin blushes. "Bling-Bling" by The B.G. featuring The Big Tymers and Hot Boys dies down. 

PRL
Thanks in part to this man, I am here tonight! X, you did your boss proud. Excellent job! 

P.R. shakes X's right hand. VX takes the microphone. 

VITAMIN X
Thank you, boss. You know, we all showed the world, we all showed them, that SIZE DOESN'T MATTER! Am I right, P? HA HA HA HA HA! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! 

Vitamin X hands the microphone back to PRL. X puts his left arm around Stacey's shoulders. 

THA PUERTO RICAN
Good luck later tonight. Now, the question on everybody's mind is: what's next? And quite frankly, that is a good question. Because after what I went through last Sunday, it makes you wonder just what I can do to top it. Well, don't worry Lightning Bolts, because I know just how I will top the Hell In A Cell! You see, while I was getting pummeled by Bohemoth last Sunday night, several thoughts went through my head. One of them was 'Oh God, I hope I don't crap my tights!' The other was 'Wow. I am going to die!' And that thought made me think about something else. That life is short. It goes by too fast. One minute, you're a baby, the next minute, you're in an old folks home. What you had yesterday could be gone today. And my Golden Contract could have disappeared last Sunday at School's Out! The title shot I WORKED MY ASS OFF for could have been destroyed. My one guaranteed Title shot that's been in my hands since August of last year could have been taken away and given to Bohemoth! All because I sat idly by and let time fly without cashing it in. Well, oh no, OH NO, I am NOT going to sit idly by no longer! Oh Hell to the no! This Golden Contract, this ticket to the top, this gateway to my future, is not going to be collecting dust anymore! No, starting now, I am making a statement! The Golden Contract WILL be used by the end of the year! People have been asking me ever since August when I was going to cash it in. And I kept saying, 'When the time is right'. The time IS right! After all these years, things are FINALLY starting to go my way! So that is why I am ready to cash in my guaranteed World Title shot ASAP! I have done it all! Except one thing. One thing that has been eating at me ever since I came to the One And Only AngleSault Thread. One thing that has alluded me my entire career! Well, I am going to get that one thing and show the world just how great I really am! If you want something to happen, don't wait for it to happen, MAKE IT HAPPEN! It is time for me to lay waste to another hero. And this time, it is the biggest hero of them all!  

Tha Puerto Rican raises the black spray-painted briefcase over his head. Ms. Lindsay Gonzalez removes his sunglasses so that the fans can get a good look at his black and blue eyes. He has a serious look on his face. Popick holds the mic underneath his lips. 

"THE CORPORATE CHAMPION" THA PUERTO RICAN
Zack Malibu...I'M COMING FOR YOU! 

"Know Your Role '99" begins playing again. Lindsay puts PRL's sunglasses back on. PRL grabs the black spray-painted briefcase and stares at the crowd. 

COLE
Tha Puerto Rican has thrown down the gauntlet! He is gunning for Zack Malibu's World Heavyweight Title! 

COACH
First Landon, now P.R.? Everybody wants a Title shot now! 

COLE
Well, Zack said he was going to be a fighting Champion! Looks like the challengers are already lining up! 

The Lightning Crew and Stephen Joseph Popick leave the ring. Popick holds the ropes for Lindsay, and then Lindsay holds the ropes for PRL. Princess Stacey holds the ropes for Vitamin X. X and P.R. talk while putting their arms around their respective ladies' shoulders. 

COLE
Tha Puerto Rican has held the Golden Contract since August 17, 2006, since 9 months ago. And it looks like he doesn't want to wait any longer to cash it in! 

COACH
Good for PR, I say! He's the best wrestler to never wear the OAOAST World Heavyweight Title! Now he can change that!

COLE
We'll have to wait and see *when* exactly P.R. will cash in his Title shot, but the fact of the matter is Tha Puerto Rican doesn't want to wait much longer to get another shot at becoming OAOAST World Heavyweight Champion! 

COACH
I can feel it. He's gonna do it this time. He's going to win the World Title when he cashes in his Golden Contract! I can feel it! His time is near! The Lightning Era is about to begin in the OAOAST!

COLE
After last Sunday, anything is possible. We'll be right back after this! 

"The Corporate Champion" Tha Puerto Rican walks up the entrance ramp carrying his black spray-painted briefcase with his Golden Contract inside. He stops to taunt a fan, but then continues onto the entrance stage. The rest of The Lightning Crew and Stephen Joseph Popick follow him. "Know Your Role '99" continues playing over the P.A. system while the crowd boos. 

[b]FADE OUT[/b]

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