HD: Maggie/Leon/Alix segment

[King Cucaracha 0]

Ooh, I realise I forgot to ask you permission to use Alix, Patty. Best say please this time then. After the other segment please!

 

 

MAGGIE
What up ya'll. Resident pep girl Maggie Nerdly here, trying her best to show some sense of remorse so I don't look like a total jerk in front of the guy I'm interviewing. Because he's had a really tough week and I'm sure he's feeling real poopers. Uhm, Leon Rodez...

In walks Leon, hands on hips, not waiting for any questions from our fine wrestling journalist friend.

LEON
Honestly, this has been the longest week of my life. All week, I've done nothing but sit and stew. Calls. Text messages. E-mails. Nothing I've tried... I mean, I just haven't been able to get hold of her at all! She must know that I just want to apologise. But then, who knows what she's thinking now. It's like she's not even her anymore, like she's been taken entirely off the planet or something, I... I don't even know. I wasn't even going to show up here tonight. And then...

Stopping his pacing, Leon looks up.

LEON
Just when I think I couldn't possibly feel any worse, I see... THAT. And I remember why I threw that goddamn chair in the first place! I'm sorry for the language, it's just... *sighs*

MAGGIE
I take it you mean the video?

LEON
Yes, the video. 

Leon wipes a hand across his face.

LEON
You know, I don't excuse what happened last week. I'm not proud of it. It wasn't 'me'. I just saw red. The moment Blanchard took off with Jade in tow, I knew I had to do something. See, Ned Blanchard is nothing if not sleaze. Ironic coming from me, maybe. But this isn't just one man's opinion. Ask anyone, absolutely anyone in these halls. He is scum. What you saw earlier on was scum. What you've seen week in and week out on this program, New New Midnight Express, Beverly Hills Blonds, whatever... sleaze and scum. And when that sleaze and scum starts to set it's sights on my little sister, like I say, I'm not proud of the way I acted and it was no example to set to my fans, but I stand by my reasons.

MAGGIE
Well, plenty of interesting stuff's been going down in OAOAST HQ regarding The Great Angle Bash. Originally Krista Isadora Duncan and D*LUX had the 6-Man Tag Team Titles in their sights. But, The Enterprise have wheeled and they've dealed and the line-up has changed. So now KID and D*LUX are gonna be taking on the mish-mash mirade of CPA, Simon Singleton and CPA. And now, you are gonna be paired up with your ex-squeeze Alix Maria Spezia, tagging up against Theodore Moneymaker and one Mr. Blanchard. So... wait, I thought Alix was a... you know... a lezzer?

ALIX (off-screen)
Why, I am sweetie!

Skipping into shot is Alix Maria Spezia, inexplicably eating a big sandwich.

ALIX
Mmm, good stuff. Oh, for future reference, some other, fresher, neater 'slang' for ya to drop? Queers. Dykes. Bulldykes. Dick Van Dykes. Cat flaps. Melon farmers. Trout fishers. And, my personal favourite, 'men'. Never fails to get a chuckle. Tee-hee. SEE! See what I did there, I reinforced my own point because I realised it was dying a terrible, lonely death. Hey, speaking of terrible lonely deaths, let's talk about The Enterprise, huh?

LEON
I think we already were.

Looking up from her big sandwich, which is becoming less and less 'big' by the second as various bits of filling fall out of the lazily held sandwich, Alix seems to just now notice the presence of her once male beau. I meant, her once beau. He was always male. So... okay, nevermind.

ALIX
Oh... hey.

LEON
Yeah, hi.

MAGGIE
Wooooooooooooooo... third wheel alert! Quick Maggie, think of a question. Something that can not possibly cause you to feel any more awkward right about now. Gotta be tasteful. Okay, uhm... oh, yeah! Don't you guys think it's gonna be a teensy bit awkward, having to team together, what with you once dating but then breaking up and spending the past six months trying to avoid each other after you spent so long fighting over the 24/7 Championship?

.....

MAGGIE
...can I rephrase that?

LEON
Look, it doesn't matter who my partner is. No offence.

Alix dusts off the piece of lettuce in her hand and jams it back in her sandwich, before proceeding to take a huge bite out of it.

ALIX
Hey, [i]lemon[/i] floor cleaner! Happy childhood memories are made of this!

LEON
...all that matters is the opponents. I've got the two men I hold directly responsible for the fact my sister isn't 'my sister' anymore, the man with the means and the man with the brains behind it. Theodore Moneymaker, who tempted her away with his ill-gotten gains. And Ned Blanchard, because let's face it, somebody had to plant the idea in Moneymaker's mind. And I think it's pretty clear what ideas Blanchard has. Sunday night, he might have to find some other ideas. As far as I'm concerned, that's the only way to deal with people of Ned's ilk. [i]Castration[/i], that is.

ALIX
Now, hang on a second there ex-lover. When you speak of castration, are you referring to the medically tried and tested route of injecting known sexual deviants with harmful substances to neuter any sex-drive they may have, which may bring on certain side-effects such as nausea and weight gain? Or, do you speak of the much more satisfying method of a swift kick in the balls? Cause, if it's the first one, then technically Ned would be more Nedwina than Nedward. And then, with re-alligned gender issues aplenty, I might be plunged into deep competition for the hand, heart and places beyond of sweet Krista! They have a kiddy together, after all. I call unfair advantage on that one! I have never in my life been able to provide that service. Not since the government shut down my orphanarium and general hardware emporium! D.I.Y Don't I Have A Mommy never even made it into th telephone directory. No wonder I lost $24,000 of Krista's money. Oh, by the way, if she asks, I bought $24,000 of shares in Apple Computers 5 years ago when they were on the verge of being forever claimed by obscurity and now I'm a bonefide billionairess.

MAGGIE
Okay, sure.

ALIX
Neat-o! Alix keeps her bed! By the way, what sort of a goofy name is 'Apple' for a computer. What does a humble fruit have to do with one of techno...

LEON
(interrupting)
This is just another reason why Sunday night can't come soon enough. Moneymaker, Blanchard, all the money in the world won't help you to prevent the conglomoration of my boots and your small intenstines.

ALIX
Translation: "He done gon' kick yo' ass, boiiiiiz!"

Alix throws up some gang-signs for the demographic she feels needed to be translated to. After a few seconds of watching and waiting for some sort of sanity to return, Maggie and Leon shrug. Alix continues eating her big sandwich.

LEON
And I'm sure Alix will have plenty to say for herself while the merger is taking place.

Shaking his head for a multitude of reasons, Leon walks off. Looking up from her big sandwich, Alix quickly takes the hint and walks off as well as we go someplace else!