King Cucaracha 0 Report post Posted June 28, 2007 As we return to HeldDOWN~!, the world's foremost (and pretty much only) song chronicalling the suffering of the third world "The Earth Song" by Michael Jackson is playing and wrestling's foremost (and definately only) environmental activist BIFF ATLAS is in the ring! With the song already about three minutes in, Biff finally gives the cue to the back to cut the music. COLE Biff Atlas, back on HeldDOWN~! And apparantly with something to say. BIFF Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Biff Atlas. And since you last saw me here on HeldDOWN~! I have embarked on a spiritual journey the likes of which most human-beings do not have the privledge of experiencing. Three weeks ago, I travelled to the Amazon and trekked through the rainforests, to get in touch with Mother Nature. It was a deeply humbling experience. And one which may not be possible in years to come, due to the threat of Global Warming. You see, the sights I saw are all too rare now. And when I thought about the plants I had passed, the creatures I had shared my surroundings with, the land in which my bare feet rested, it seemed all too soon that my private jet touched down in western civilisation again. As the crowd mull over the irony of Biff's last sentence and the fact a notorious OAOAST jobber can apparantly afford a private jet in the first place, Biff asks for some hush. BIFF But I will never forget my experience in the Amazon. It had only served to strengthen my resolve in changing the world and warning the wrestling community about climate change. Which is why on my return to the OAOAST, I am going to show you all what spiritual enlightenment and social conscience can do for a person. Namely, me. So tonight, I need an opponent. I'm issuing an Open Challenge to anyone in the back who thinks they can defeat Bono's Favourite Wrestler... COLE :huh: BIFF ...to come on out. Oh, and of course, it wouldn't be much of a challenge if there weren't a prize at stake. So, tonight, to anyone in the back, if you can defeat me you will win this... Biff reaches into the back of his tights and pulls out a glossy piece of paper, to GROANS from the crowd. BIFF ...this genuine, autographed pictue of Hollywood's most environment conscious star, Leonardo DiCaprio!! "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" COACH Sit down Michael! COLE I am sitting down you moron! As Biff hands the 'prize' to referee Charles Robinson who was unlucky enough to have passed Biff and the back and be dragged out to the ring with him, we wait to see if anyone will actually accept the challenge. Biff turns to the entrance way and waves somedbody, anybody on. And the lure of that autographed picture eventually proves too much... "You say its urgent Make it fast, make it urgent Do it quick, do it urgent Gotta rush, make it urgent" ...as "Urgent" by Foreigner hits, bringing out the man from The OAOAST First Responders Unit, EMT Tim! BUFFER Ladies and gentlemen, this contest for the possession of... the autographed photo of Leonardo DiCaprio... set for one fall. On the way to the ring, the challenger. From the OAOAST First Responders Unit, weighing two hundred, twenty pounds... one half of RESCUE 911... EMT TIM CCAAAAAASSSSSSHHHHHHHH!! "YYYEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!" BUFFER And, in the ring, from Venice Beach, California. Also at two hundred, twenty pounds, he is BIFF AAAAAATTLLLAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSS!! "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" COLE Well, it looks like we have a challenger... COACH Now, hold up just a darn second here. Why the hell would a grown man, besides you of course, want an autographed picture of Leonardo DiCaprio? Better yet, why would a grown man actually fight over the possession of said photo. I mean, if he won it in a raffle, okay fair enough. But come on! COLE I'm not quite sure what you're trying to suggest about our friend from Rescue 911, but drop it. As Tim sets aside his medical bag, we are ready to go. The autographed photo is placed safely at ringside as EMT Tim tries to get the crowd going with some clapping. *DINGDINGDING!* The bell sounds and the two men circle. A lock-up finds an easy winner as Biff shoves Tim away, drawing a large circle with his hands, that large circle being 'Earth' of course. "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" COACH Are these idiots seriously booing [i]the Earth[/i]!? COLE Sounds like it. Not letting the power display of his opponent get to him Tim tries another lock-up. This time proves more of a struggle, before Tim takes Biff over with a sudden armdrag! Biff scrambles to his feet and runs into a second armdrag. And to his feet again, a hiptoss awaits Atlas, who decides to do some energy conservation to himself by sliding out of the ring. Fired up, EMT Tim pumps his fists. COACH I still don't get it. If this guy is so fired up about winning that picture, then I have to call into question his manhood right here and now. COLE Why? For all we know, Mr. Cash might well donate the picture to charity if he won. Rescue 911 reknowned for their charitable contributions to the community. Biff works out the kinks in his arm before re-entering the ring. Another lock-up is offered by Tim and it looks to be taken... until a surprise knee catches him in the stomach. Biff goes to work with forearms to the back, working the EMT over before attempting an irish whip. A reversal by Tim sends Biff for the ride, but he ducks his head too early and Biff puts on the brakes, powering his opponent up and over with a vertical suplex! Cover... 1... 2... No. Dragging Tim back up, Biff backs him into a corner and ignores the warnings from referee Robinson as he clubs him in the chest with an overhand forearm! And another! Shooing Robinson out of the way Biff then whips Tim across the ring, looking to follow in with a clothesline. But EMT Tim goes up and over, schoolboying Biff as he lands... 1... 2... Kickout! A wild clothesline from Tim misses the mark and Biff shoves him in the back, sending Tim chest-first into the turnbuckles! COLE Wow, that'll knock the wind out of you! COACH Somebody get the defib... the defibu... ya know, the shocky thing. COLE Well put. As EMT Tim slumps in the turnbuckles Biff picks out one young child in the front row giving him the thumbs down, telling him to "always recycle" rather than chastise him for booing him. Biff then pulls Tim out of the corner, crushing him with a Side Belly To Belly Suplex! 1... 2... No! While Tim takes his time getting back to his feet, still clearly struggling to get his breath back, Atlas goes to the middle rope. Measuring his EMT opponent, the environmental activist then comes down from above with a big double axehandle, right to the back of the head! COLE Biff certainly looking impressive so far. Maybe this newfound love for the planet has woken some sort of passion inside of him, the kind of passion that could lead him to success inside the squared circle. COACH He's a man on a mission Mikey. Biff applies a gutwrench to Tim as he tries to get back up. Lifting Tim first to his feet, a quick deadlift from the former bodybuilder then takes the EMT up and over his shoulder, looking for the Greenhouse Effect (Canadian Backbreaker)! However Tim senses trouble and begins to fight it. Unable to lock his fingers, Biff loses Tim over his shoulder. And landing safely behind Biff, EMT Tim whips his leg around, catching him in the back of the head with a Backbrain Wheelkick, Owen Hart style! "YYEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!" COLE Big knockdown from Tim! Both men are down and referee Robinson starts his count. It's Tim up to his feet first, drawing on the support of the crowd and clenching his fist. Biff isn't far behind him, but looks staggered as he reaches his feet. He walks around, aimlessly, turning right into a right hand from Tim! Another right! A third! Four, five, six big right hands before Tim loads Atlas up and sends him skywards with a BAAAAAACK bodydrop! COLE And this crowd in Indiannapolis getting behind EMT Tim! COACH I'm sure he'd love that. Well, from at least half the audience. Biff doesn't have much time to nurse his injuries as EMT Tim sends him for another irish whip ride. This time he extends the arm, catching Biff on the way back for his patented sleeper hold... ...but Biff turns into it, countering with a big back suplex! "OOOOHHHHHH!" COLE But just like that, the climate of this match changes. COACH That's horrible. You're horrible. Just horrible. "HI - PPY!" "HI - PPY!" "HI - PPY!" "HI - PPY!" The crowd get on the case of Biff as he pulls himself up on the ropes, backing his way into one corner of the ring and encouraging his opponent to get back up. Gallantly, EMT Tim tries to do just that, holding the back of his head. As he turns around in search of his opponent, out of the corner charges Biff, head down, absolutely MOWING DOWN EMT with a huge tackle that takes the EMT clean off his feet and about three feet back where he came from. COACH GORE! GORE! The Al GOORREE!! COLE The WHAT!? After hitting the "The Al GOORREE!!", Biff scrambles on tim of Tim, hooking the leg... 1... 2... NO! COLE Give Tim credit, showing a lot of heart here. COACH Again, all over a picture of a Hollywood pin-up. A [i]male[/i] Hollywood pin-up. I guess that explains the uniform. Surprised that his tribute to the foremost authority on climate change didn't earn him the victory, Biff decides to go for broke. Scoop and a slam puts Tim in position. Turning to the crowd, Atlas signals that it's over and gives the call for the "EARTHSAULT!" COLE Well, Biff batting well below .500 when it comes to high-risk manouevers in his career. But you can't fault his persistance. Scaling the turnbuckles with his back to the ring, Biff looks through his legs to check that Tim is still there while he steadies himself. Once set, he then backflips, soaring through the air with impressive form on the Earthsault... *WHAM!* ...AND CRASHING TO THE CANVAS! NOBODY HOME! "YYEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!" Biff gets up holding his gut and EMT Tim dives at him, Running The Lights with the Hart Attack clothesline! Hook of the leg by Tim, signed picture of Leonardo DiCaprio on the line! 1... 2... NO! Distraught, EMT Tim checks the count before he pulls Biff back up again. COACH I'm tellin' ya, that boy ain't right. Applying a front facelock, Tim tries to set Biff up for maybe a DDT. Maybe being the key word there, as he gets rammed backwards into the turnbuckles! With the wind knocked out of him, Tim then gets backdropped by Biff, right into the centre of the ring. EMT Tim is struggling now and realising it, Atlas again signals for the end. Wisely he doesn't try any high-risk moves this time though. Instead, he lifts Tim up into a fireman's carry. COLE Uh-oh, if Biff hits this, it'll be over. Carrying Tim around for a second, Biff picks his spot before turning the EMT out in front and SPIKING him down with the INCONVENIENT TRUTH! Leg hooked, the count... 1... 2... and 3!! *DINGDINGDING!* COLE And sure enough, Biff Atlas with An Inconvenient Truth, formerly the Bad Hair Day, still a bad ride and an even worse landing! BUFFER Ladies and gentlemen, your winner... BIIIFFFFFFF AAAAAAAATTLLLLAAAAAAASSSSSS!!! "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" Biff's arm is raised in victory, which is momentous in and of itself. As EMT Tim is left to curse the missed opportunity of owning a piece of Hollywood memorabilia, Atlas is given back his hula skirt and the signed picture, both of which he raises as tokens of victory. COLE So Biff Atlas your winner here on HeldDOWN~! I'm not 100% sure what this open challenge was supposed to prove, but it at least proved that Biff is beginning to adapt to life as a singles competitor. COACH You were right the first time Cole. This match raises so many more questions than it gave answers. COLE In any even, we've got more on the way, stay tuned to HeldDOWN~! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
