HD: Landon "La Cucaracha" Maddix's Celebration Party&#33

[Ed Wood Caulfield 0]

Yeah, this is the last segment King Cucaracha told you about, Patty. He and I wrote this one together. So enjoy!

 

As we return to HeldDOWN~! from our final commercial break, yellow banners are draped from the ring ropes the ring has been decked out with a lavish red carpet. A lavish red carpet with a long stripe of yellow carpet placed down the middle, signifying the flag of Spain. Which must mean it's time for the new World Champion's big celebration party. That or Spanish Fly is coming out, I guess. Although, isn't he from Mexico?


Oh, wait, shhh.


BUFFER
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the NEEEEEWWW One And Only AngleSault Thread Heavyweight Wrestling Champion Of The WOOOOOOOORRRRRLLLLLLDD... LANDON "LA CUCARACHA"... MMMMMMAAAAAAAAAADDIIIIIIIIIIXXXXXXXXXXXXXX!!!!!

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"

On cue, a small mariachi band come piling out of the entrance way playing some celebratory music. The camera pans to the rafters, as a veritable shower of confetti begins to fall from the air, before a sudden explosion of pyro releases another shower, this time of red and yellow balloons. As the carpetted ring begins to fill with the confetti, as well as the drinks of all the crowd, the band suddenly break into a special mariachi version of "Personal Jesus".

COLE
That's certainly... different.

In the midst of all the trumpeting and... uh, what ever else is in a mariachi band... beaming from ear to ear comes LANDON MADDIX, arm in arm with Megan Skye and proudly wearing his newly won Championship over his right shoulder. Landon greets his adoring public with a royal wave before lifting the title off of his shoulder and raising it in the air!

COACH
There he is Michael, the new World Champion!

COLE
Landon Maddix pulling out all the stops here tonight, the confetti, the balloons, the band. I'm sure this must be making Zack Malibu, who is no doubt watching us live back in Providence right now, sick to his stomach.

COACH
Oh, who cares? Zack Malibu is yesterday's news! Here's the man of today!

Landon and Megan continue to walk arm in arm to the ring, as the mariachi band plays on. Behind them follow the other 'guests' invited this celebration. Vincent Santana and Marcellus "One Eye" Wallace of The South Central Miltia, plus Todd Cortez, all of whom position themselves at ringside as Landon and Megan take centre stage in the ring. The hundreds of popping balloons eventually begin to drown out the band and threaten to drown out Landon, even before he's taken the microphone from Michael Buffer. Thanking the crowd for their applause, which has been picked up by Landon's selective hearing over the jeers and bangs, Maddix takes the mic.

MADDIX
Ladies and gentlemen... welcome to the new era, the Landon Maddix era of the OAOAST!

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

MADDIX
Yes, thank you. Thank you. You know, from the moment I stepped through those sliding doors for the first time that this day would come. From day one, not one person in that OAOAST locker room looked like he was capable of matching up to me. Not the bumping and grinding doctors, not the flaming homosexual luchadors, not the [i]countless[/i] guys who looked like they were involved in some sort of boyband reunion. Nobody. Call it what you will. Call it arrogance. Call it a premonition. Call it 'destiny'. (Randy Orton pose) The fact is, it happened. Landon Maddix came, he saw, he conquered... I proved to be the Saviour Of The OAOAST that I proclaimed myself right from the get-go!

"LAN - DON SUCKS!"
"LAN - DON SUCKS!"
"LAN - DON SUCKS!"
"LAN - DON SUCKS!"

Looking over his shoulder, Landon glares at the hundreds of fans on their feet, trying to ruin his celebration.

MADDIX
As a great man once sung, [i]#Who told you you're allowed to rain on my par - aaaaade#?[/i]

In the background, The Militia and Cortez pool together their knowledge of rat-pack singers and still can't prevent that reference from going over their heads.

MADDIX
Nothing can spoil this mood baby! So save your collective breath. See, I'm right back where I belong, on top of the world! Higher than anyone has ever been before. You see, the whole divide between the SWF and the OAOAST isn't so bitter nowadays, so I'm sure you'll all have no problem recognising me as the four-time... four-time... four-time... four-[i]time[/i] World Champion that I am. And above all else, you'll recognise me as the ONLY man in HISTORY to have won both the SWF and the OAOAST World Heavyweight Championships!

COLE
Well, that is true.

MADDIX
And right now, there's so many people to thank. This didn't happen by accident. Myself and Megan here, we planned every detail of our plan. We always have a plan. And I've gotta say in all honesty, this was one of our best.

Megan playful tells Landon to stop before he embarrasses her.

MADDIX
Now, I could yak on all day about just how great I am and I could stand here all day saying 'I told ya so, I told ya so'. But let us not forget, this title being around my waist right now is in no small part down to our former World Champion. Let's face it, he played the role of 'nice but dim people's champion' to perfection! And I'm sure he's wondering just what went wrong. So let's talk about what happened last week. Let's talk about Zack Malibu...

"YYYYEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!"

The crowd pop for the ex-champion, drawing a little smirk from La Cucaracha.

MADDIX
Ah yes, everyone's favourite poster-boy, Zack Malibu. The scourge of the evil-doers of the OAOAST. Blah, blah, blah. Well let me clue you all in. Your precious 'poster-boy' isn't here tonight. While yours truly is out here revelling in the glow of this World Title, Zack Malibu is probably busy changing diapers and preparing bottle-feeds right about now. If he can move yet, that is.

"WE WANT ZACK!"
"WE WANT ZACK!"
"WE WANT ZACK!"
"WE WANT ZACK!"

MADDIX
Did all that balloon-popping damage your hearing or are you just morons!? HE'S. NOT. HERE. TONIGHT.

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

MADDIX
Zack, did you not think I'd remember everything you've done to me since I've been in this company? Or did you just underestimate me? Either way, you made the biggest mistake of your life! Don't think I've forgotten War Games. Don't think that you trying to castrate me with a metal spike in front of thousands of people doesn't still eat at me. And don't for a second think that I don't forget you dumping me out of the Lethal Rumble this year! Zack, I would have taken this belt whoever was holding it, trust me. But the fact it was you I humiliated and sent packing made this victory all the sweeter!

Landon adjusts the belt over his shoulder.

MADDIX
Your whole crusade to be a 'fighting champion' was all the opening I needed Zack. You just made it that bit easier by falling into the trap so willingly. You accepted my challenge before I could even coax you into it! And how ironic, that you thought you'd got rid of me at The Great Angle Bash. Zack, I could have cashed that Money In The Bank contract in any time in the lead-up to The Bash. There were so many perfect opportunities. But you just kept digging that hole deeper and deeper for yourself with your relentless bravado. I knew sooner or later, your body would self-destruct. And I, ingeniously, kept that contract in reserve, [i]just incase[/i]. Just how much damage you've suffered, I don't know. Must be quite a bit, considering you were so delusional last week, you actually thought these guys were coming to [i]save[/i] you!

The SCM laugh away in the background.

MADDIX
The moment these two cleared the deadwood, you should have high-tailed it, while you still could. But yet again, the brave, proud Zack Malibu just couldn't run away! And yet again, you paid the price. It's not a mistake I'll be making Zack. See, unlike you, I'm not ruled by the cheers of these people! I'm ruled by my head, not my heart. So let's hope playing house husband suits. Because as long as you let that bleeding heart of yours carry you along through life, you're always going fall short to the new Power Couple of the OAOAST!

COACH
Ouch!

COLE
Another slap in the face to the former World Champion and of course, former Women's Champion Candie, his wife and the mother of his child.

As Megan and Landon cosy up in the middle of the ring, none of the three in the background look all that impressed. Cortez in particular, of course. The love-in is interrupted by the fact they're in front of a worldwide audience and a capacity crowd in the arena though. Thankfully.

MADDIX
Now, with that out of the way, let's start celebrating already shall we? Without any further ado, I'd like to lead you all in a rendition of one of my favourite songs. It's a song near and dear to my heart. Feel free to join in if you know the words... Todd, Militia, that includes you too... [b]*AHEM! -HEM!*[/b].

COLE
What the hell is this?

COACH
He's clearing his throat.

COLE
Yeah, I get that bit, but...

MADDIX
[i]#I've paid my dues#[/i]

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

COLE
...Oh dear lord.

MADDIX
[i]#Time after time!#[/i] C'mon Todd, don't be shy. [i]#I've done my sentence... but commited no cri...#[/i]


The lights go down in the arena. The crowd instantly start buzzing, probably just pleased that the unexpected blackout has stopped the World Champion's singing. But after a few seconds the fans aren't quite so cheery, as  Puerto Rican flag appears on the AngleTron. In big white blocky letters, the following words appear on the screen, with Tha Puerto Rican saying them:

[b]*THE CHAMP IS HERE!*[/b]

With that, a lightning bolt hits the entrance, the PRL entrance video plays on the AngleTron, and "Know Your Role '99" begins playing, with the crowd standing up and booing.

COLE
What the hell is THIS now!?

COACH
Uh, I get the feeling that this isn't part of the celebrations somehow.

The entrance doors slide open, and out comes "The Corporate Champion" Tha Puerto Rican and his manager and "Career Consultant" Stephen Joseph Popick! The crowd boos louder. PRL is standing in his wrestling attire holding his black briefcase spray-painted with L.C. in yellow which contains his Golden Contract inside. Popick is holding a microphone in his right hand. Both Popick and Tha Puerto Rican stare intensely at Landon Maddix, while The South Central Militia and Todd Cortez get into their fighting stances. 

COACH
Tha Puerto Rican is out here! What does he want? 

COLE
Well last week, Todd Cortez attacked PRL backstage. Think that has something to do with it? 

COACH
You don't think Tha Puerto Rican's still bitter about that, do you? 

COLE
Coach, it's Tha Puerto Rican. OF COURSE he's still bitter about something! 

Landon is as confused as the crowd as to why PRL is out here. But their confusion is about to end as Stephen Joseph Popick brings the microphone to his lips as "Know Your Role '99" dies down. 

STEPHEN JOSEPH POPICK
Landon, Landon, Landon. You know, I gotta hand it to you, Landon. What you did last week was quite clever of you. Having other guys beat up Zack Malibu, and then going in for the kill. I gotta say, that was quite impressive. People, please give a nice warm round of applause for Landon Maddix, YOUR NEW OAOAST World Heavyweight Champion! 

The crowd, naturally, responds with a nice round of boos for the Champ. Maddix is a little leary of what Popick is saying, knowing full well the history of The Most Hated Man In The OAOAST. 

COLE
Where is this going? 

COACH
Shut up, Cole. We're about to find out! 

POPICK
Now, Landon, if I were you, I'd just...take a break. Yeah, relax. Take a vacation. That's what I would do. You've worked really hard to become World Champion, and you deserve a little R&R. So, why don't you take your little girlfriend and go to Bahamas or back to Spain or whatever. Take most of the whole summer off! You'll need all the relaxation you can get. Because by the time Labor Day comes, you will no longer be the World Heavyweight Champion! 

This piques Landon's interest. 

LANDON
What? What do you mean? 

POPICK
That's because, Landon Maddix, on August 26th, from Madison Square Garden in New York City, at AngleSlam 2007, MY Client, MY CORPORATE Champion, Tha Puerto Rican, is cashing in his Golden Contract and is coming after you and the World Heavyweight Title! 

COLE
Whoa! We finally have a date! Tha Puerto Rican is going to cash in his Golden Contract at AngleSlam! 

COACH
What a main event that's going to be! Tha Puerto Rican vs. Landon Maddix one-on-one for the World Heavyweight Title! 

POPICK
The countdown is on my friends. We are now on the Road To Glory with the final stop at Madison Square Garden, the Mecca of Sports-Entertainment! In 8 weeks time, the Era of Lightning will begin in the One And Only AngleSault Thread! 

Popick hands the mic over to Tha Puerto Rican. The crowd boos. Landon is stunned at the fact that he already has an opponent for the next OAOAST pay-per-view. 

"THE CORPORATE CHAMPION" THA PUERTO RICAN
Landon "La Cucaracha" Maddix. Last week, you stuck your roody poo candy ass where it didn't belong! I was going to cash in my Golden Contract last week against Zack Malibu, but you stuck nose in and took WHAT SHOULD BE MINE! 

Landon cracks a smile, while the crowd boos. 

THA PUERTO RICAN
I sent Mr. Boricua and Vitamin X out there as a 'warm up match' for Zack--

COLE
I knew it! 

THA PUERTO RICAN
But then that jabroni you call a friend, Todd Cortez, Pearl Harbor'd me and held me there while you went ahead and stole the Title from Zack! 

COLE
Held him there? More like beat him up to a bloody pulp!

COACH
Hey, we didn't see everything that happened! Maybe he did just hold him back! 

COLE
Oh come on! 

PRL
Now normally, I would applaud such tactics...BUT NOT WHEN I'M THE VICTIM! But no, oh no, I'm not going to cry over spilled milk. What's done is done. And I'm not an idiot, so tell your men I'm not going to rush into the ring to kick your monkey ass. Not tonight! No, I'm going to save it for AngleSlam, not for these pieces of trailer park trash here in Tampa, Florida! 

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

PRL
Shut up! You know you guys can't compare to Miami! 

COACH
He's right you know. 

TPR
At AngleSlam, on Sunday August 26th, at Madison Square Garden in New York City, in front of thousands upon thousands of Puerto Ricans, MY people, and in front of the millions--

CROWD
--AND MILLIONS! 

Tha Puerto Rican gives the crowd a dirty look. 

THA PUERTO RICAN
...Don't do that. As I was saying, the millions AND MILLIONS of Tha Puerto Rican's fans watching around the world, they will see "The Corporate Champion" Tha Puerto Rican whup that candy ass from pillar to post and in the end, finally, FINALLY win the One And Only AngleSault Thread World Heavyweight Championship! 

The crowd boos. Landon stands in the ring unimpressed. 

THA PUERTO RICAN
So, I think the OAOAST made a huge mistake in letting this celebration take place tonight. Because then they won't have any money to plan the celebration of MY title victory on HeldDOWN~! on August 30th! But it's okay. Vitamin X and Popick will pull through, I'm sure. So Landon, get ready, because that Title is coming home where it belongs, to Tha Puerto Rican! I'll see you in 8 weeks, Landon! THE CHAMP HAS--

CROWD
SPO-KUN~!

PRL once again gives the crowd a dirty look. Popick shakes his head. 

THA PUERTO RICAN
Tampa, Florida, this is not sing-along with The Champ. Tha Puerto Rican does it himself! 

PRL tilts his head back and takes a deep breath. 

THA PUERTO RICAN
THE CHAMP HAS SPO-KUN~! 

Tha Puerto Rican throws the microphone down. "Know Your Role '99" starts playing again. PRL and Popick have smirks on their faces as they stare at Landon. Landon is now annoyed. 

LANDON MADDIX
Oh yeah? Well, Just Bring It (does hand gesture), you second-rate Rock impersonator! I don't need anybody's help to beat your ass at AngleSlam! I've got you in my scope, P.R.! Your ass is mine! You ain't taking this away from me! I own your ass at AngleSlam! You hear that? OWN. YOUR. ASS! 

Landon raises the OAOAST World Heavyweight Championship belt over his head and points to it. PRL raises the black spray-painted briefcase over his head. Popick points to the briefcase and then to the OAOAST World Heavyweight Title belt, and then to PRL's waist. He then puts up eight fingers to symbolize there's 8 weeks left until AngleSlam. Landon discusses this current situation with Megan while The South Central Militia and Todd Cortez just stare angrily at Tha Puerto Rican and Popick. 

COLE
Well, it's only July 5th, but we already have our AngleSlam main event! 

COACH
And what a main event! It's going to be the greatest AngleSlam of all-time! PRL/Landon. First Time Ever! Live from Madison Square Garden! 

COLE
The countdown is on. We are on The Road To Glory. In 8 weeks, 52 days, Tha Puerto Rican and Landon "La Cucaracha" Maddix will collide for the OAOAST World Heavyweight Championship at AngleSlam! I wonder what Zack thinks of all of this? 

COACH
Bah! Zack is old news! PRL vs. Landon is the wave of the future! The OAOAST marketing machine better go full blast for this one! This is going to be the biggest AngleSlam EVER! I SO cannot wait for this one! 

Tha Puerto Rican mouths off to Landon, who mouths off back. Megan Skye has to hold Landon back, since he's about to blow a gasket. 

COLE
What a way to end tonight's HeldDOWN~!. While HeldDOWN~! may be over, on the horizon is quite possibly the biggest AngleSlam main event in the history of the OAOAST! We have it confirmed now. Tha Puerto Rican will cash in his Golden Contract which he has held since August of LAST year at AngleSlam on August 26th! And what a match that's going to be! 

COACH
I'm calling it now. Match of the Year Candidate. 

COLE
This will certainly be a much anticipated match. The first ever meeting, the first ever interaction PERIOD between these two! But we've still got quite a way to go before then, so for Jonathon Coachman, I'm Michael Cole saying good night, and we'll see you next week for more exciting OAOAST action on HeldDOWN~!

"The Corporate Champion" Tha Puerto Rican points menacingly at Landon Maddix and does the "I-Want-The-Belt" hand gesture. He laughs manically and then he and Stephen Joseph Popick exit through the entrance doors. Landon "La Cucaracha" Maddix stands in the ring fuming, with Megan Skye trying to calm him down. The South Central Militia and "Urban Legend" Todd Cortez discuss what just went down outside of the ring. Landon slings the OAOAST World Heavyweight Championship belt over his right shoulder and stares at the entrance even though PRL and Popick have left. All the while "Know Your Role '99" continues playing over the P.A. system. This is the last image we see before we fade to black. 

[b]FADE TO BLACK[/b]