HD: Tha Puerto Rican at the AngleSlam Press Conference

[Ed Wood Caulfield 0]

ANGLESAULT
Our next speaker is no stranger to the microphone. In fact, you can say he's something of a motor mouth. But at AngleSlam, he's going to need his talent in the ring, not on the mic, to beat not one, but TWO men and become the OAOAST World Heavyweight Champion for the first time in his career. 

The crowd starts booing, since they know who this person is. 

ANGLESAULT (CONT'D)
So, please join me in welcoming, the longest reigning 24/7 Champion in OAOAST history, he is the leader of The Lightning Crew, and he says he's the most electrifying man in all of professional wrestling. He is the Man With The Golden Contract, which he will cash in at AngleSlam. He is "The Corporate Champion" THA PUERTOOOO RICCCCAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNNNN! 

*THE CHAMP IS HERE!*

"Know Your Role '99" begins playing over the speakers. The crowd boos loudly. "The Corporate Champion" Tha Puerto Rican stands up and walks on over to the podium, holding his black spray-painted briefcase with his Golden Contract inside. PR is wearing his standard Corporate attire of a white collar shirt, red tie, black sports jacket, Puerto Rican flag bandana on his head, an earring in his left ear, sunglasses, a $500 Rolex watch on his right wrist, his engagement ring on his right ring finger, black dress pants, and black dress shoes. PRL shakes AngleSault's right hand, and then glances over at Zack Malibu and Landon "La Cucaracha" Maddix. 

"P.R. SUCKS!"
"P.R. SUCKS!"
"P.R. SUCKS!"
"P.R. SUCKS!"

PRL is now at the podium prepared to speak. But he's interrupted by the "P.R. SUCKS!" chant. PRL uses this opportunity to "smell the electricity". The chant gets louder. The Corporate Champ chuckles. 

"THE CORPORATE CHAMPION" THA PUERTO RICAN
FINALLY...Tha Puerto Rican...WILL BECOME WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION! 

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

THA PUERTO RICAN
The countdown is on! Three weeks and counting! Three more weeks until my date with destiny! Sunday night. August the 26th. 2007. Madison Square Garden in New York City. The site where YOUR CORPORATE Champion finally...FINALLY takes his rightful place on the OAOAST throne. The site where Tha Puerto Rican will join the legends in immortality! The site where Tha Puerto Rican, come hell or high water, will defeat not one, but TWO...jabronies...

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

PRL
And will finally get the chance to wear the OAOAST World Heavyweight Championship. 

The crowd boos again. Landon is mockingly applauding PRL. Zack Malibu is just rolling his eyes. 

PRL
And you see, this ain't gonna be no ordinary match. Oh no. This is going to be the greatest Triple Threat Match of all-time! Better than any Triple Threat Match you have ever seen! You've got The Corporate One on one side. You've got The Franchise on the other side. And then you got the World Heavyweight Champion himself on ANOTHER side. And the three of us will duke it out. Oh yes. You better believe we will collide. Because I know that Zack's gonna bring his 'A' game in our match. And I know that our Champion, whatshisface, will bring it--

LANDON "LA CUCARACHA" MADDIX
Landon! My name is Landon Maddix! LAN-DON MAD-DIX! Remember that name, Puerto! You're going to be hearing it alot more from now on! 

Without missing a beat, PRL continues. 

THA PUERTO RICAN
And we will give you fans a match of a lifetime! But let me tell you something, Lightning Bolts. There's only one way--AND THA PUERTO RICAN MEANS ONE--

CROWD
WAY! 

Tha Puerto Rican looks annoyed at the crowd finishing his catchphrase (Cough). 

PRL
...Don't do that. Anyway, as I was saying, there is only one way--AND THA PUERTO RICAN MEANS ONE WAY--this match will end. And that is with Tha Puerto Rican, with Stephen Joseph Popick AND my fiancee Ms. Lindsay Gonzalez by my side, raising the OAOAST World Heavyweight Championship belt over my head with my music playing and confetti falling from the rafters in front of the sold out crowd at Madison Square Garden! 

LOUD boos for that remark, although there are some cheers mixed in there. PRL looks at the crowd with a satisfied grin on his face.

"P.R. SUCKS!"
"P.R. SUCKS!"

PRL
And so, on August 26th, I will cash *this* in (points to his black spray-painted briefcase). And some would say it's about time. And you know what? I actually agree with them. IT'S ABOUT DAMN TIME! And in this match, I have the chance to pin either Zack Malibu--

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

PRL
Or...Landon. 

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOO/YEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHH!"

PRL
And I think the question on everybody's mind is, just who will I pin or make submit to win the World Title? Zack Malibu or Landon Maddix? Now, Zack--

PRL turns his attention to Zack Malibu. He has his clear undivided attention. 

PRL
We've had our run-ins in the past. We've gotten down and dirty several times. In Lethal Rumbles, Elimination Chambers, and whatnot. But this is the very first time that I am facing you on a pay-per-view. And in the main event, no less! And, even though I don't really give a damn who I beat to win the match...I gotta say, there's a part of me that's hoping, PRAYING, that it is you I beat to become the World Heavyweight Champion! I mean, how great would that be? The Corporate Champ defeating Zack Malibu, the Franchise of the OAOAST, to win his first World Title! How appropriate would that be? Huh? Do you agree? 

LOUD boos for that comment. Zack just stares at PRL, his expression as serious as ever. PRL chuckles while looking at Malibu. 

THA PUERTO RICAN
Oh, I am SOOO looking forward to being in the same ring as you, Zack, on the 26th. Finally, Tha Puerto Rican and Zack Malibu will collide in an OAOAST ring. This will be something people will tell their grandkids about in the future. The day they saw Tha Puerto Rican layeth the smacketh down on the single greatest OAOAST Superstar of all-time! That's going to be something! BUT, there is also another person in this match. Landon Maddix. 

PRL turns his attention to Landon. Landon sneers at Tha Puerto Rican. He holds up the OAOAST World Heavyweight Championship belt. 

PRL
That belt's been away from me for far too long. Four years is a very long time in the wrestling world. But it's okay. I can wait a little while longer. Because I know that in three weeks, that belt's coming home with me! Oh yes. That belt will be coming home, will be coming home to the place that it belongs! And Landon, you can whine, you can cry, you can complain, you can bitch all you want. None of that is going to stop me from putting my size 10 boot up your ass at AngleSlam if I have to! 

"YEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Surprisingly, the crowd pops for that remark. Landon acts appalled that PRL would say such a thing. 

PRL
Landon, there's also a part of me that's REALLY looking forward to ripping that long hair from your head. You have managed to annoy Tha Puerto Rican just by being in this building! And that's no easy feat. If it is you I beat at AngleSlam to win the World Heavyweight Title, then my victory just might be just a *little* bit sweeter! 

The crowd responds to that with a mixture of boos and cheers. 

PRL
You're not going to be able to hide behind your skank at Madison Square Garden, Landon. I've got you in my scope, and at AngleSlam, I WILL be laying the smackdown on your candy ass! 

The crowd actually cheers that too! 

PRL
The image of you throwing a tantrum while I celebrate my victory fills me with joy inside. And I hope--no--I KNOW that's exactly what will happen in three weeks at AngleSlam! Because, you, my friend, are going to go down faster than your girl goes down on the bum across the street! 

"OOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Landon gets up and makes his way towards the podium, but is held back by AngleSault and Theodore Moneymaker! PRL laughs manically at the comment he just made. The crowd responds with a "P.R.!" chant! Landon raises the OAOAST World Heavyweight Championship belt in the air, taunting Tha Puerto Rican, but P.R. just laughs. AngleSault and Moneymaker are still holding Landon back. 

THA PUERTO RICAN
Oh lord. You're too easy. Too easy! Anyway, I'm ready for AngleSlam! My question is Zack: are you ready? And Landon: are you ready? Well, Landon, I doubt you're ready. But if you really are, then the two of you better JUST BRING IT! Because AngleSlam will be a night the both of you will never EVER forget! And that's the truth, Ruth! THE CHAMP HAS--

CROWD
SPO-KUN~!

PRL is annoyed at the crowd once again. 

THA PUERTO RICAN
This is not sing-along with the Champ. Tha Puerto Rican does it by himself. 

PRL removes the microphone from the podium. He tilts his head back, takes a deep breath--

THA PUERTO RICAN
THE CHAMP HAS SPO-KUN~!

PRL puts the microphone back on the podium. The crowd responds with a mixture of boos and cheers for the P.R. Menace. PRL raises his black spray-painted briefcase over his head. He points to it and says, "Three weeks!" Puerto Rican then walks away from the podium and back to his seat. AngleSault and Theodore Moneymaker have managed to calm Landon Maddix down. A "P.R.!" chant starts, but is quickly drowned out with a "P.R. SUCKS!" chant. "The Corporate Champion" Tha Puerto Rican just laughs manically while he gets himself a glass of water.