Promo: Speed Racer

[Guest Ash Ketchum]

-Three in the afternoon. Clearwater, Florida-

 

At the estate of pro wrestler Ash Ketchum, the man behind Pokemania itself walks around from the back of his mansion. Located next door to Hulk Hogan’s mansion, the grand wizard of Pokemania’s crib is quite silent as Ash arrives at the garage. He turns to face the garage door, and he smiles happily.

 

Ash: Hehehe... this is great!

 

Ketchum reaches into his pocket, pulling out his keychain, and grasping the control for his garage door firmly in his hand, presses the button, the mechanical “Whirrr” of the door opening the only sound. Ash is silent as the door opens, but as it does, he undergoes a metamorphosis. His eyes grow wider, lighting up like a ten year-old boy's eyes do when he sees a action movie. Joy spreads across his face as the door opens, revealing...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

HIS VERY OWN MACH FIVE! WOO-HOO!

 

Ash: Pokemania’s goin’ DRIVING!

 

Ketchum enters the garage, and wiping his feet on a floormat next to the car, he enters through the door as he buckles up, like any smart wrestler would.

 

Ash: Hehehe... and it only set me back $125,000! I made more than that in six weeks in Saskatchewan Pro!

 

(Note: Saskatchewan Pro, aka Saskatchewan Pro Wrestling, is a federation owned by Ash’s dad.)

 

Reaching over in the seat, he reveals a replica helmet, which he promptly fastens around his head. The shades cover his eyes as he clutches the wheel with both hands and, turning the key, revs the engine underneath. In the console between seats are a few CDs, and Ash pulls one out, [utting it in the CD player. He quickly gives a thumbs-up, and then stepping on the gas, he pulls out of his driveway and onto the road with BLAZING SPEED!! ZOOM!!

 

 

(OK... so maybe the tape has just been sped up, like on the old Batman series... but hey, can't argue with that!)

 

As Ash speeds along, the CD in the CD player begins to play, starting with what sounds like the Speed Racer theme. Those three or four notes repeat in repitition, very fast notes,  but as Ash loks down, he takes one hand of the wheel and slams the CD player. What for, we don't know. But he does it again, and again. And then, the song, which was skipping, begins to play. Ash chills as a burnt copy of System of a Down’s Toxicity CD plays over the speakers.

 

Ash: Damn... that’s the last time I let Z burn me a CD...

 

---*cue into Batman-like transition sequence with spinning Poke Ball*---

 

Ash: Yeah, that’s a Number Four, Super-sized, with a Pepsi Twist.

 

Voice: That’ll be $3.49. Pull up to the window.

 

Ash slowly pulls around the side of Taco Bell to the window, helmet still on his head. Man... he looks pretty funny with that on. Anyways, the Poke One pays for his meal and quickly grabs the Mexican treat. He pulls over into the next parking space he can find and immediately opens the bag, peering inside as he ruffles through the contents.

 

Ash: Ha! Found ya!

 

 

Ash: I got....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

ME!

 

Unlike Edwin, everything matches, including the eyes and hair. No detail has been overlooked, from the laces on the boots to the Poke Ball sledgehammer. This figure truly is the ideal of the Poke Freak.

 

Ash: This figure truly is the ideal of the Poke Freak! It is perfect! Ha ha!

 

Kid #1: Durandal kills you with the Spinning Darkness!

 

Kid #2: No! The Showstopper counters with the Recoil!

 

The squabbling children direct Ash’s attention toward them as he removes his helmet. The two children sit at a near-by table. One has a Durandal figure from Taco Bell, the other the Stryke figure. They are squabbling as Ash opens the door on his Mach Five and heads over to investigate the situation!

 

Kid #1: You can’t do that! Durandal’s invincible!

 

Kid #2: Well, Stryke’s better!

 

Ash: No no no... you’re doing it all wrong. It’s like this...

 

Ketchum collects the figures, removing the Ash figurine from the plastic packaging, and setting the Stryke and Durandal figures opposite the Ash figure.

 

Ash(in normal voice): Hey, it’s Duran Duran and Strikeout! (He changes his voice to a higher pitch and begins to speak as Stryke) Oh my gosh! It’s ASH KETCHUM! (He changes to a deep voice for Durandal.) What do we do?

 

Ash(as Stryke): Uhh.... I dunno.

 

Ash(as himself): You can do nothing, because I shall beat you!

 

Ash(as Stryke): Bring it, sucka!

 

POW! The Ash figure punches the Stryke figure down and the Durandal figure takes a turn to speak.

 

Ash(as Durandal): Uh-oh... (He changes back to the Ash voice.) And now you’ll get yours!

 

The kids laugh as the Ash figure picks up the downed Stryke figure and rams his head Bushwhacker-style into Durandal’s gut, causing Durandal to fall over.

 

Ash(as Durandal): Oh, I am defeated! I shall bow down and praise you, oh great one!

 

Ash(as himself): You better, because POKEMANIA’S GOIN’ TURBOOOOO!

 

The little kids luahg as little kids should before one speaks.

 

Kid #1: You’re funny, mister.

 

Ash: No... I’m Ash Ketchum.

 

The kids jaws drop as Ash pats them both on the back and turns around to the Mach Five. The kids turn to look at each other at each other as Ash hops back inside the Mach Five, and putting the helmet back on, he peels off, singing along with the song playing on his custom-burnt CD:

 

Love... exciting and new,

Come aboard,

We're expecting you-

 

And love, life's sweetest reward,

Let it float.

It floats back to you-

 

The Love Boat,

Soon we'll be making another run.

The Love Boat-

 

Ash: AAACK! WRONG TRACK!

 

Ketchum changes to the next track, and sings (SING ALONG, EVERYONE!):

 

Here he comes

Here comes Ash Ketchum.

He's a demon in the ring.

Chasin after someone.

 

He's stompin' on you

So you better look alive.

He's outside, revin' up his

Powerful Mach 5.

 

And when the odds are against him

And their dangers work.

You bet your life Ash Ketchum

Is gonna see it through

 

Go Ash Ketchum,

Go Ash Ketchum,

Go Ash Ketchum go!

 

He's off and flying

Screaming across the ring.

He's destroying those jobbers

Like you’ve never ever seen.

Immortality's waiting up ahead-

Go Ash Ketchum,

Go Ash Ketchum,

Go Ash Ketchum go!!!!!!!!!

[Guest chirs3]

LOL, that was great Ash.

 

That whole action figure segment was gold - damn, I wish I had thought of it.

[Guest Ash Ketchum]

Bump for Commentaroos!

[Guest Grand Slam]

Nice one Ash.  very nice.

 

I like how it pulled a couple of old-school WF references in...

[Guest midnight_burn]

Pfft. The Stryke figure would easily whoop the Ash figure.

[Guest Rabbi_wilson13]

Nice work, Ash.  Some references to a great old-school Carnie promo, some action figure fun, sets up your feuds and gives you a cheap way to insert lyrics and pics.

 

Very nice all around.

[Guest HVilleThugg]

HAHAHA!

 

That was great Ash, as usual.  Nice references there...maybe you should join the Carnival.  

 

Da "where's my doll?" H

[Guest Edwin MacPhisto]

Wow.  This is what happens when Ash drops acid.

 

Bravura work, sonny boy.  Conversations with the self involving plastic toys are great, no matter what the doctor tells you.

[Guest Beingz0wningj00]

Heh heh... this reminds me of a VERY old school Comet promo in the JL, which myself and Xero were involved in.

 

I doubt anyone saw it, but it was great.

 

 

 

Funny stuff Ash... but I agree... the Stryke action figure could kick Ash's ass.

[Guest realitycheck]

This promo r0x0rs, because I got a mention. Even if it did associate me with SOAD, anything with me = (Y)

 

Seriously, I chuckled, so I liked it. If you really wanted to get everyone to mark out the next time you do a promo, Ash, you should go around with a pikachu doll, tazering your opponents and slipping in pics of scortching, scantily clad women.

 

-Z

Cuz old skool r0x0rs.