ZH: Black/O'Hara Penalty Shootout

[King Cucaracha 0]

COLE
Right now, let's send it up to our MC for the evening, Tony Schiavone over on the other side of the arena. Take it away Tony!

Pan across the crowd and over we go to where the Interview Stage would normally sit. Instead though, rather than a stage, a pitch. A mini carpet of astroturf has been laid out across the arena floor to the left of the stage and a set of goalposts stands in front of one section of the Memphis crowd. Tony Schiavone stands, microphone in hand, next to referee Jimmy Korderas, with a whistle in his mouth.

SCHIAVONE
Okay, thank you Michael. We are down here, 'pitchside', ready for our special 'Penalty Shootout Challenge' to determine who is the 'Greatest Briton', Nathaniel Black...

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

SCHIAVONE
...or Jamie O'Hara.

"YYEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHH!"

SCHIAVONE
Now, before we get to the rules, let's bring out the participants. First of all London, England's... NATHANIEL BLACK!

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

The lights alternate between red, white and blue through the intro, before the doors part and out marches one grouchy Englishman, Nathaniel Black. Black raises his arms in the air, generally shouting his mouth as he jogs down the steps at the side of the stage. Wearing the blue of Chelsea FC, Black places the ball on the penalty spot and shakes hands with the referee.

SCHIAVONE
And now, he is Birmingham's own "Birmingham Bad Boy"... JAMIE O'HARA!!

"YYYYEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!"


"OOOOOOOOIIIIIIII!"

The pumping beats of "Fix Up, Look Sharp" by Dizzee Rascal pound through the arena and through the sliding entrance doors swaggers Jamie O'Hara. The Birmingham Bad Boy jaws away at no-one or no-thing in particular as he marches down the steps. O'Hara, in the red of Arsenal, looks set to square up to Black until the official steps in.

SCHIAVONE
Okay, we have our contestants and we're proud to welcome our special goaltender for th...

BLACK
That's Goal[i]keeper[/i], ya stupid Yank twat!

SCHIAVONE
...sorry, goalkeeper, ladies and gentlemen USA and Fulham's own KASEY KELLER!

The non-football enthused crowd give the fly-in stopper a kind reception, mainly because he's American. But it's a kind reception nonetheless. Keller takes his position in goal but before we can go any further, Black has taken the microphone.

BLACK
Alright, before we go any further, I gotta say somethin'. First of all, I want you to explain these rules so even these ignorant Yanks can understand 'em. It ain't rocket science and it ain't some convoluted crap like 'American Football' but I wanna make sure everybody knows just how badly I'm beatin' this scrawny little arsehole next to me. And speakin' of which... what the 'ell are you wearing!? I thought you were supposed to be the 'Birmingham Bad Boy'? Now, I know these people don't, so I'll explain. This shirt, this Arsenal shirt... Arsenal are a [i]London[/i] club, yeah. An', seeing as you ain't from London, that makes you nothin' but a glory hunter!

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

BLACK
Shut up! You don't know what's goin' on, you're just booin' for the sake of booin'. O'Hara, this is exactly my problem with you. You ain't got no heritage. You sold out on your 'ometown to support the Arsenal, just like you sold out on bein' English to be a wannabee Yankee Doodle! I'm surprised you ain't out 'ere in that LA Galaxy shirt, givin' it the 'yeh, we love the soccer maaan' like these bandwagon jumpin' trogladites in the US!

Again O'Hara and Black are kept apart by the referee.

BLACK
You know what, it don't even matter. Just get on with the rules.

Black 'hands' the microphone back to Schiavone.

SCHIAVONE
Okay, well, each man will get a maximum of five attempts from the spot. The goalkeeper cannot encroach off his line, the player cannot make contact with the ball more than once and rebounds will not count, it's one shot and one only. Best score after ten penalties wins, or if one man gets an unasailable lead then he will win. In the event of a tie after 5 penalties each, we will go into Sudden Death. With that said, let's get the shootout underway with the coin-toss to determine who will get first rights.

The coin is flipped and Black calls out 'Heads' before O'Hara can so much as open his mouth. Sure enough, it comes up heads and Black wastes no time in deciding he wants to go first.

SCHIAVONE
Okay, Nathaniel Black up first, Nathaniel...

Telling O'Hara that he's going to 'show him how it's done' as he walks past him, Black lines up the already stationary ball. Taking a couple of steps back, Black then composes himself, steps up...




...and blasts it right down the middle!

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

[COLOR=blue]BLACK[/COLOR] O  -   -   -   -   [b]1[/b]
[COLOR=red]O'HARA[/COLOR]  -   -   -   -   -   [b]0[/b]

SCHIAVONE
Okay, Jamie, you're up next.

O'Hara gets the ball back from Keller and places it confidently enough. The fans try to show some enthusiasm and get behind him as he takes a longer run-up than Black and places it to the right...



...SAVED!

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

[COLOR=blue]BLACK[/COLOR] O  -   -   -   -   [b]1[/b]
[COLOR=red]O'HARA[/COLOR]         X   -   -   -   -   [b]0[/b]

SCHIAVONE
Okay, after one penalty each, the score 1-0 to Black and your chance to make it 2-0 Nathaniel.

"Oh, I'm gonna" is the confident announcement from Black as he steps up. Placing the ball, Black jogs backwards and locks eyes with Keller. The whistle goes and Black slowly jogs in...




...arrogantly chipping the ball dead down the centre of the goal and getting royally embarrassed as Keller stands his ground and catches the ball like a gift.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Black hangs his head in embarrasment, wiping a hand across his face as O'Hara walks past him smirking.

[COLOR=blue]BLACK[/COLOR] O  X   -   -   -   [b]1[/b]
[COLOR=red]O'HARA[/COLOR]         X   -   -   -   -   [b]0[/b]

SCHIAVONE
Uh, Nathaniel, not what you had planned?

BLACK
He came off his line. Trust the ref not to see it. All blind bastards, every last one.

SCHIAVONE
Okay, that said, Jamie...

O'Hara wastes no time and strikes his penalty, this time with more power...




...and sends Keller the wrong way, scoring to his left as the keeper dives to the right!

"YYYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!"

[COLOR=blue]BLACK[/COLOR] O  X   -   -   -   [b]1[/b]
[COLOR=red]O'HARA[/COLOR]         X   O   -   -   -   [b]1[/b]

Black looks pissed as he places the ball ready for his penalty. He points a finger at Schiavone and warns him to 'keep his gob shut' as he just waits on the whistle. No such arrogance this time, as Black instead blasts his third penalty...




...right over the crossbar!

"YYYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!"

[COLOR=blue]BLACK[/COLOR] O  X  X   -   -   [b]1[/b]
[COLOR=red]O'HARA[/COLOR]         X  O   -   -   -   [b]1[/b]

Luckily the fans behind the goal have the sense to catch the ball rather than get hit in the face, which might not have been fun for the OAOAST lawyers. The fans throw the ball back for O'Hara as he looks to go ahead.

SCHIAVONE
Okay, Jamie, on the whistle...

O'Hara sets...




...and scores again, again to the keeper's left!

"YYYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!"

[COLOR=blue]BLACK[/COLOR] O  X  X   -   -   [b]1[/b]
[COLOR=red]O'HARA[/COLOR]         X  O  O   -   -   [b]2[/b]

Black glares at Kasey Keller as he's waved on to go next. Black takes his time and asks the referee to hold up, dropping down to tie up his bootlaces, complaining that that was the problem with his last two attempts. But his continued stalling annoys referee Korderas and he blows his whistle, reaches into his pocket and BRANDISHES A YELLOW CARD!!

"YYYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!"

BLACK
WOT!?

KORDERAS
Deliberate time wasting, yellow card.

BLACK
This is a shootout, not a full game! You can't book me!

KORDERAS
No backchat Black. Any dissent you'll get a second and you'll be off.

"SEND HIM OFF!"
"SEND HIM OFF!"
"SEND HIM OFF!"

Black angrily marches away...




...and proceeds to blast his penalty right at Keller!

"YYYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!"

[COLOR=blue]BLACK[/COLOR] O  X  X  X   -   [b]1[/b]
[COLOR=red]O'HARA[/COLOR]         X  O  O   -   -   [b]2[/b]

SCHIAVONE
Okay Jamie, that means if you score this, it's all over. Good luck!

Placing the ball on the spot, O'Hara jogs back, kicking up his heels and...



...coming to a stop as FAQU and JAMES BLONDE have invaded the pitch! O'Hara yells at the duo to get out of the way, which is the opening Black needs to sneak up and cheapshot O'Hara from behind with a forearm!

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

COLE
HEY! What the hell!

COACH
Alright, something that isn't boring!

Black, Faqu and Blonde all suddenly put the boots to O'Hara as Keller and Schiavone shifted off backstage by security. The trio beat down O'Hara a little before Faqu and Blonde sit him up, dragging him onto the six-yard line in front of the goal. Grabbing the ball again, Black then places it on the penalty spot and backs up as O'Hara is held in place. O'Hara tries to struggle free but can't escape Faqu's grip, as Black charges in... and POWERS A SHOT RIGHT DOWN THE MIDDLE OF THE GOAL, STRIKING O'HARA CLEAN IN THE FACE WITH THE LEATHER BALL!!

"OOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!"

COACH
GOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL...

COLE
This is reprehensible! This goes way beyond bad sportsmanship, Black knew he was going to lose so he launched this attack, three on one! And O'Hara is out cold!

COACH
Yeah but, what a precision finish, huh?

As O'Hara lies flat out on the astroturf, Black stands over him yelling abuse. Blonde joins in too, Faqu standing and snorting as Black drops the ball on O'Hara's chest and raises his arms over his head.

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

COLE
Oh yeah, real tough! That's what makes a 'Great Briton'!? A three on one beatdown!?

Black, Faqu and Blonde finally walk off, leaving the beaten and bruised O'Hara still laying in the goalmouth. The crowd boo away as Black stops at the top of the steps, looking back down at the makeshift pitch and grinning from ear to ear.

COACH
Well, look on the bright side Michael. At least now, O'Hara's like his hero, David Beckham.

COLE
A rightful winner of a soccer match?

COACH
No, injured! HAHAHA!

COLE
Oh come on!