HD: PRL Promo

[Ed Wood Caulfield 0]

Place this towards the middle of the show, please. kthxbye

 

(Cut to Double C at Sofa Central.)

COLE
Fans, last week at the Big Apple Spectacular, we saw the end of the career of--

COACH
--the career of the greatest superstar never to win the OAOAST World Heavyweight Title! Vitamin X suffered a great indignity last week, being retired at the hands of Tha Puerto Rican! 

COLE
Coach, Vitamin X DID make the stipulations himself.

COACH
So? He still suffered a great indignity! He still did! STILL did! It was a horrible tragedy what occurred last week. The One And Only AngleSault Thread just lost one of its best! The OAOAST will never be the same without the presence of Vitamin X! 

COLE
Yeah, you’re right. It’s gotten even better! 

COACH
Hush, white boy! You know what? I can’t stand it any longer! I can’t stay quiet while injustice after injustice takes place in front of my own two eyes! I gotta speak up! I gotta stand up for what I believe in! I gotta speak my mind! And I’m gonna do it, right here! Right now! 

COLE
What? 

COACH
I’m gonna do it! I’m gonna say what’s on my mind LIVE in front of all of these people! I’m gonna do it right this second! 

COLE
Coach…what are you doing? 

COACH
I’m gonna do it. I’m gonna do it. 

Coach puts down his headset on top of the announce table. He stands up out of his seat while Michael Cole looks on, confused. 

COLE
Coach…

Coach grabs the microphone closest to him on the announce table. 

COACH
Excuse me, excuse me. Ladies and gentlemen, I have something to say. 

“BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

COACH
Now, ever since AngleMania VII, we have been FORCED to endure, night after night, Tha Puerto Rican holding the One And Only AngleSault Thread World Heavyweight Championship like he’s the only man on the planet capable of doing so! Well I say that’s BULLSH(Bleep)! Because there WAS someone else on this planet capable of holding that Title, and his name was Vitamin X! 

“BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

Coach ignores the boos. 

COACH
Unfortunately, Vitamin X will never be able to become OAOAST World Heavyweight Champion because last week in Central Park on the Big Apple Spectacular, Vitamin X had his career ended by Tha Puerto Rican! 

“YEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

Coach sneers at the fans. 

COLE
Oh, Coach…

COACH
Not now, Michael! Now, in honor of this tragic event, I ask all of you to please bow your heads for a moment of silence in memoriam (“BOOOOOOOOO!”) to the best professional wrestler never to wear the 10 pounds of gold. Better than “Rowdy” Roddy Piper, better than Dynamite Kid, better than Buff Bagwell. (“BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!“) There was only one X-Man, and his name was Vitamin X! Everybody bow your heads now! DO IT! DO IT NOW! DON’T MAKE ME ASK YOU AGAIN! 

COLE
Coach, come on. 

Coach looks around the arena. 

COACH
BOW YOUR HEADS DAMNIT! THIS IS SERIOUS BUSINESS!

The boos get louder. Coach bows his head and takes a moment of silence. All of the fans in attendance refuse to follow suit and instead honor Vitamin X by booing as loud as they can. Michael Cole just sits in his seat and shakes his head. 

“X’S A PUSS-SEE!” *CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP*
“X’S A PUSS-SEE!” *CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP*
“X’S A PUSS-SEE!” *CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP*
“X’S A PUSS-SEE!” *CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP*

Coach becomes agitated by the chant. 

COACH
DAMNIT! YOU’RE NOT LISTENING! YOU’RE NOT PAYING ATTENTION! DO AS I SAY! BOW YOUR HEADS NOW! 

Coach goes back to bowing his head for his moment of silence. The crowd goes back to booing loudly. 

Cole goes back to doing this:
[IMG=http://www.terminally-incoherent.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/05/facepalm.jpg]

But Coach ignores Cole’s face palm to continue his one-man moment of silence for someone the audience clearly despises. Until…


“THE CHAMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMP…”

[i]*DUN DUN*[/i]

“…IS…”

[i]*DUN*[/i]

“…HERE!”

“YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

He is interrupted by “Know Your Role 2000”! A lightning bolt hits the entrance, the PRL entrance video plays on the AngleTron, and the crowd explodes with cheers. Coach stops his moment of silence and looks up in fear. 

COLE
Uh-oh. Coach, it looks like someone didn’t want to have a moment of silence for Vitamin X!

The lights go down inside of the arena. PR is heard saying, “THE CHAMP IS HERE!” in tune with the beat of the song, while smoke fills the entrance stage and spotlights circle around and around the arena. A few seconds elapsed, the entrance doors slide open, and then Tha Puerto Rican quickly saunters out through the smoke and power walks down the entrance ramp, not stopping at all. The crowd cheers louder than before. 

COLE
That ain’t no mirage! The Champ truly IS HERE! 

Tha Puerto Rican is wearing his Puerto Rican flag bandana on his head, in addition to sunglasses, an earring on his left ear, a gold chain around his neck, a white dress shirt with a black tie, a black sports jacket, a $500 Rolex watch on his right wrist, black dress pants with a leather belt, and black dress shoes. PRL is carrying the OAOAST World Heavyweight Championship belt over his left shoulder as he walks down the entrance ramp. Coach just stands in place, frozen in fear.

COLE
We don’t have P.R. scheduled for a match here tonight, so it looks like he is making his way over here, Coach! 

COACH
…

Tha Puerto Rican stops at ringside to slap hands with the fans. He then power walks around the ringside area. Tha Puerto Rican grabs a microphone from the timekeeper’s table and then walks on over to Sofa Central. 

COLE
He IS coming this way after all! 

PRL stops at Sofa Central. He looks directly at Coach. Coach starts sweating bullets, as he makes eye contact with Tha Puerto Rican. Tha Puerto Rican adjusts the OAOAST World Heavyweight Championship belt over his left shoulder. He has a cocky smirk on his face as he measures up Jonathan Coachman. Michael Cole just sits and watches all of this, trying to hide his smile. 

THA PUERTO RICAN
Okay. Cut it. 

“Know Your Role 2000” dies down. The crowd cheers loudly. PRL continues staring at Coach. 

“P.R.!”
“P.R.!”
“P.R.!”
“P.R.!”

Tha Puerto Rican “smells the electricity”. He then goes back to staring at Coach. 

THA PUERTO RICAN
So, it seems like someone on the OAOAST announce team has a little grudge against me! A little bias against me! And it was apparently made worst by me retiring Vitamin X’s roody poo--

CROWD
--CANDY ASS! 

THA PUERTO RICAN
--last Thursday night on the Big Apple Spectacular! 

“YEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

COACH
Now, see, P.R., P.R., P.R…you…you…you--you did a bad thing last Thursday. A very bad thing! Vitamin X wasn’t even in his prime yet! And yet, last Thursday, YOU ended his career! YOU retired him! YOU made him the laughingstock of the OAOAST! YOU did it! YOU! YOU! YOU! 

The crowd boos loudly. Tha Puerto Rican does The People’s Eyebrow. 

THA PUERTO RICAN
Um Coach, Vitamin X made the match himself! That was all his doing! HE made the match for the Title, HE made the match a Steel Cage Match, and HE put his OWN career on the line! If anyone is to be blamed for Vitamin X no longer being a wrestler in this company…well, I’d have to put the blame solely on Vitamin X! Vitamin X is the reason Vitamin X is the laughingstock of the OAOAST!

COACH
But couldn’t you have like…lie down for him or something? 

THA PUERTO RICAN
ARE YOU KIDDING ME!? Coach, in case you haven’t gotten the message yet: Tha Puerto Rican doesn’t lay down for NOBODY! ESPECIALLY former coattail-riders-turn-ungrateful sumbitches!

The crowd cheers loudly. Another “P.R.!” chant breaks out. PRL “smells the electricity” again. The camera cuts to several PRL signs in the crowd. 

THA PUERTO RICAN
Coach, what happened? You and I, we used to be tight, yo! What happened, man? You flaked out on me! That’s cold, dude. Cold-blooded! 

COACH
I’ll tell you what happened, Puerto. You became soft! You became weak minded. Instead of listening to yourself, you listened to these people, your so-called ’Lightning Bolts’! Every action you take is based on what these people want! WHO GIVES A DAMN WHAT THESE PEOPLE WANT!? 

“BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

COACH
The REAL PRL wouldn’t give a damn! The REAL PRL would lay the smackdown on anybody that got in his way with a smile on his face! The REAL PRL would run an old lady over and then throw paint on a five-year-old! The REAL PRL would spit on The Mad Cappa before he would ever shake his hand! He would spit on Colombian Heat too, while we’re at it! The REAL PRL would lead his Lightning Crew to the Promised Land, all the while raking in title belts and ruling as World Heavyweight Champion in peace! 

The crowd boos loudly. Tha Puerto Rican thinks about what Coach just said. He puts his right hand on his chin to signify that he is thinking about what Coach just said. PRL has a serious look on his face. 

THA PUERTO RICAN
Hmmm…nope…that’s not what the REAL PRL would do! 

The crowd cheers! 

THA PUERTO RICAN
The REAL PRL, as you like to say Coach, gives a damn about his fans! The REAL PRL thinks about others before he does stuff! The REAL PRL respects The Mad Cappa and thinks Colombian Heat is the best friend a guy could ever have! And the REAL PRL doesn’t need a bunch of no talent, brainless, easily led ass kissers following him every step he takes! Oh, and Coach, The REAL PRL DOES lay the smackdown on anybody that gets in my way with a smile on his face and incase you have forgotten, I am a 3-time Puerto Rican/Italian/Puerto Rican Champion, former X-Division Champion, former HI-YAH World Tag Team Champion, former North American Champion, the longest reigning 24/7 Champion in OAOAST history, and oh yeah…

Tha Puerto Rican raises the OAOAST World Heavyweight Championship belt high into the air with his left hand. The crowd cheers. 

THA PUERTO RICAN
...THE REIGNING ONE AND ONLY ANGLESAULT THREAD WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION!

“YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

PRL
So, as you can clearly see, I am doing quite well for myself. This IS the REAL PRL you are seeing! That PRL you were watching since I came into this company wasn’t really me! I thought it was, but it wasn’t. But now, I know for sure, that this is the REAL PRL! And the REAL PRL couldn’t be any happier than he is right now! 

COACH
Oh cut the crap, P.R.! You are so weak, I bet that *I* could beat you in a match! 

THA PUERTO RICAN
Then…why don’t you try to? 

The crowd cheers. Coach is shocked. 

COACH
W--wh--what? 

THA PUERTO RICAN
You say that you could beat me…so why not try to? 

The crowd cheers again. 

THA PUERTO RICAN
It sounds like you wanna fight me in the ring in a match! And it sounds like you wanna fight me in the ring in a match RIGHT HERE IN RICHMOND, VIRGINIA! 

(CHEAP POP~!)

COACH
WHAT!? No! No! It’s--well--I don’t have my gear with me! I’m in a shirt and khakis! 

THA PUERTO RICAN
Just fight with that then. It’s not like you have anything worth showing off, you jabroni!

COACH
But--tonight--here? Live!? On HELDDOWN~!?

THA PUERTO RICAN
Yes, Coach. You catch on pretty quick! Coach, you have been riding my back ever since The Lightning Crew turned on me, and it has gotten on my last nerve! 9 months of annoyance ends tonight! Tonight, I would love to have the opportunity to stick my size 10 boot right up your bald headed candy ass! So, what do you say? 

COACH
I--uh--err--umm---err--YOU’RE ON! 

Coach immediately mouths, “What the hell did I just say!?” to Michael Cole, who just shakes his head and tries to hold back his laughter. The crowd cheers loudly. Tha Puerto Rican has a satisfied grin on his face. 

THA PUERTO RICAN
Then it’s settled. See you later in the ring, Coach. Oh and by the way: watch out for the lightning strikes, because you, Coach, are about to suffer a P.R. Nightmare! And that’s the truth, Ruth! THE CHAMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMP…HAS…SPO-KUN~!!!

“Know Your Role 2000” starts playing again. Tha Puerto Rican drops the microphone onto the ground and stares at Coach. The crowd cheers. Coach looks up at Tha Puerto Rican. PRL mouths, “You. Me. Tonight.” and then does a cutthroat hand gesture. PRL points a menacing finger at Coach, and then raises his right fist into the air to a loud pop from the crowd. PRL walks back up the entrance ramp, slapping hands with the fans along the way. 

COLE
Well, Coach…you brought this onto yourself. 

COACH
Tonight? Tonight? I--I’m--I’m wrestling…tonight!? Here!? TONIGHT!? TONIGHT!? TONIGHT!? 

COLE
Yes. Yes, you are, Coach. Tha Puerto Rican vs. Jonathan “Da Coach” Coachman coming up later tonight here on HeldDOWN~!

COACH
T--tonight!? Tonight!? Really!? Tonight!? 

COLE
Yes, Coach. You asked for it, and you got it! 

COACH
I DIDN’T ASK FOR NOTHING! PRL TRICKED ME! HE TRICKED ME! I KNOW THAT HE DID! HE USED SOME JEDI MIND TRICK! I KNOW THAT HE DID! I KNOW IT! OH GOD! I’M GONNA WRESTLE TONIGHT! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I’M GONNA DIE! OH GOD! 

COLE
While Coach cries over his inevitable death, we’ll take a break. Fans, stay with us, we’ll be right back right after this!

Coach is a blubbery mess right now, crying his eyes out knowing the fate that awaits him later tonight. Michael Cole tries, unsuccessfully, to comfort Coach. Tha Puerto Rican has already left through the entrance doors, but “Know Your Role 2000” continues playing over the P.A. system. Cole comforting Coach is the last image we see before we head to a commercial break. 

[b]FADE OUT[/b]

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