HD: LOVE SHACK~!

[King Cucaracha 0]

[color=blue]OAOAST Productions, Proudly Presents...[/color]
[color=purple][size=6]#~~THE LOVE SHACK~~#[/size][/color]

[IMG=http://i261.photobucket.com/albums/ii59/KingCucaracha/loveshack.jpg]

We go to the ring to find the canvas covered with the decor of The Love Shack set. The a desk, two stools, a purple carpet and a Grand Rapids street sign. Yes, no expense has been spent... uh, spared... no, wait, right the first time. Stood behind his talk show desk is Leon Rodez, who basks in a "LE - ON!" chant for a while with a smile on his face. A retro "In Crowd" shirt adorns his chest, awaiting a possible new one perhaps rather than wearing it out of nostalgia.

LEON
Alright alright, welcome one and all to another edition of the last talk show standing, apparantly... yes, it is of course The Love Shack.

"YYYYEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!"

LEON
Yeah, yay, yay. There've been many pretenders, but it's safe to say that time has told and The Love Shack is still... *points to t-shirt*... What's In! And you know what they say, if you're not IN... you... uh, something. Sorry. It's only been one week, I haven't committed the catchphrase to memory yet. But safe to say whatever it is, it's cool and it's poignant in it's meaning.

Leon comes out from behind his desk.

LEON
Now, what can I say about tonight's guest. Well, I would be lying if I said my guest tonight needed no introduction. In reality, she needs an introduction, ranging anywhere from two to five minutes in length, chronicalling her career and her achievements in life, with references to her wisdom and beauty. Unfortunately for her, I don't really feel like it. Ladies and gentlemen, KRISTA ISADORA DUNCAN!

Up goes the expected roar as MGMT's Electric Feel kicks in, and the cheers grow ever louder at the sight of Krista's well toned body on her entrance video.

Shock me like an electric eel
baby girl
turn me on with your electric feel

Ooh girl
shock me like an electric eel
baby girl
turn me on with your electric feel

Breezing through the entrance way, Krista takes a sip from her martini glass and just now notices the lack of heavily choreographed dancers there to greet her and to interact with. She contemplates for a second how bad finances must be for there to be no dancers for her entrance for a talk shot segment and yet money to give Tony Tourettes a regular wage, before contemplating dancing alone. But she soon summises that's only for the desperate and those in the privacy of their own home and keeps it cool with some more alcohol sipping as she walks the aisle. Far from dressed up for the occassion, Krista walks with casual ellegance in a summery white mini skirt and yellow vesttop as if she'd just stepped off of Hollywood Boulevard on a August evening's stroll. She pauses on the ramp to remark that the cost-cutting is really badly prioritised on seeing Leon's show set, before making her trademark hanging third rope leg showing no martini spilling reach for the tissues fans at homing entrance.

COLE
Well, this ought to be very interesting.

COACH
Thanks for the input.

Krista picks up her own microphone and does her best to look interested.

LEON
Krista Isadora Duncan. Welcome to the show. Safe to say, we haven't so much got unfinished business as we have un[i]started[/i] business.

KRISTA
Ooh, cute. That take you long to write?

LEON
(ignoring Krista)
It's been a long time coming, this. As has the match we'll be having next week in the Money In The Bank Tournament, to determine who's going to AngleSlam. After all these many years, with all the water that's passed under the bridge, finally we get to go one on one. Although, not in the way of myself and the other member of COD, unfortunately... which I guess is something we both have in common, but also brings us back to water under the bridge. See, it seems like I just can't have anything happen in my life without you involved in some way sometimes.

KRISTA
Listen, if this long-winded monologue I've just drifted into is your way of professing a long hidden crush for me, I'm afraid you're gonna have to go ahead and join the queue somewhere behind Theodore Moneymaker, somewhere ahead of Terry Taylor who I insist on keeping chained to the back of said queue despite his long-held ticket being in single-digit, really anywhere in amongst about everyone in this poor, deluded, internet message board with only one guy pretending to be a girl that everyone tries to impress with their 'l33t flaming' skills and the ability to find funny pictures of cats with some crappy web text Photoshopped underneath it resembling poor excuse for a wrestling company.

COLE
My screensaver is a cat in the middle of a busy street, saying 'SO MUCH PEOPLEZ~!'

COACH
...

LEON
Firstly, you're really in no place to call anyone long-winded. We gauge HeldDOWNs on a wrestling to Krista talking ratio in your honour. And it doesn't always come up on the good side.

KRISTA
Yeah, we have kinda been having more matches around here lately, huh?

Shrugging, Leon doesn't seem all that surprised at the response.

LEON
Well, loath as I'm sure you are to do it, let's talk about wrestling for a second. Let's talk about our match next week, Money In The Bank Tournament.

KRISTA
Of all the things we could possibly talk about, THAT's your go to? Oh Leon, I am disappointed. So very, very disappointed. I've never felt so removed from you as I do right now. Come on man. You used to date my lesbian girlfriend! Your sister turned out to be your niece and my daughter who I conceived with a brother of yours kept so secret I doubt even YOU knew about him until I brought his name up for this first time! Your tag-team boyband friends have an uncontrollable crush on me and talk about nothing else. And hey, by the way... does your life flat out SUCK or what? No word of a lie, why do you even bother getting out of bed in the mornings? All that on top of being at Zack Malibu's beckon call 24 hours a day, having to fend off two Nerdlys at once, having a man who actually voluntarily calls himself 'Reject' almost steal the one who's your official girlfriend, basically getting trodden on and stepped all over by everybody ever because you're too nice? And out of all this, you wish to talk of a humble pro wrestling match? Well, I can understand why that'd excite you, what with you being the down to earth pro wrassler who just loves competition and so on. Only, to this boring concoction of 'strange reasonings to continue to exist', you now have $500,000... WOWZA, that's like a lot of money apparantly... and all these TSM shares, which I guess are still important even with US finance being plunged into the depths of the toilet bowl, if you beat me...

LEON
Ah! Ah! Wrong! You see, this is where you clearly just place me in a group with everybody else instead of giving me just a little credit. I don't care about winning TSM shares. It wasn't so long ago, you and me were on the same side fighting Moneymaker, so you should know as well as anyone how much I despise him. If I beat you next week, nothing will give me greater pleasure, not even the knowledge that I'm one step away from $500,000, not even being one match from a guaranteed World Title shot... nothing will give me greater pleasure than looking Moneymaker in the eyes and telling him where to shove his shares in TSM.

KRISTA
Hard as I find that to believe, I speak for everyone where I say "boy, that'll show him!" "Atta boy Leon, you get metaphorical on his ass you crazy cat!"

LEON
The only thing I care about in this whole situation is the World Heavyweight Championship. Not the money. Not the shares. The World Title. See, since day one I've strove to be World Champion and that opportunity just keeps on eluding me. I've never been given that fair shake. The chance to be the man. Winning Money In The Bank gives me that chance after FIVE years of waiting! You see this isn't some sideline project, some merry little distraction to me. Unlike you, this is my LIFE! And yeah, my everyday life revolves around having a good time, about doing what I love, about entertaining these fans. But my life's goal is that World Heavyweight Championship. And you'd better get serious about that if you want to beat me next week Krista. Because the difference between me and everyone else is... I can play fun all you want. We can sing songs till the cows come home. Dance routines, you've got it. Far from distracting me, you'll be humouring me... but I've got all that and the serious edge to top it.

KRISTA
Now now, granted, my life is a little more extravagant than yours. We people of LA have headier dreams than those of a humble Grand Rapids boy. And, granted, $500,000 doesn't have quite the same eyes bulging, mind-blowing effects on a successful money making machine like moi that it does on those scraping by on humble pro-wrestler pay. But being World Heavyweight Champion... that'd be neat, I guess. Now, as far as distractions go, I'm happy to hear you won't let that happen to you. Honestly, all these poor saps going comatose with drool drippling down my chin the moment I happen to show a little thigh taking a step towards them gets a little tiresome. No doubt my skills on the mic can't be beat, but karaoke nights just aren't the same in a wrestling ring in front of wrestling fans without beer and with Rico on back-up. People get set to charge up them pacemakers because shock shock, horror horror, Krista Isadora Duncan is actually looking forward to having a fine wrestling match next week, with no comical distractions. No singing. No dancing. No quotings of famous playrights or working in of cultural slang of current relevance. Nothing. Honest to Betsy! Cross my heart and hope to meet the big guy with the pitchfork. No no no. There is just one problem however. See, go figure, ol' Krista ain't quite as young and sprightly as she used to be. What can I say, those hyperberic chambers Alix created didn't slow the ravages of time for either of us. They were nice and snug and cosy, but that's another story. So, anyway, ol' Krista goes and gets herself a routine check-up because she's worried about these ten million dollar pins right here. And the doctor, he looks them up and down... and looks them up and down again... and looks them up and down again. So, he gets struck off for sexual harrassment and practicising medicine with a clipboard shoved halfway up his pooper and I consult a female doctor. And it turns out, I have a serious medical condition. Oh yeah. This right knee, turns out it's not quite the 5 million dollar sculpture of bone and flesh it seems. See, any time I get a bump on my big toe...

Krista bends over and taps her big toe, at which point she starts shaking her BUTT rhythmically. Leon's eyes can't help but be drawn to the yellow panties under Krista's dress which has riden up her thigh and is shaking violently as her rhythm suddenly amps up.

"YYYYYYEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!"

KRISTA
...my buns, they start a shakin'! They call it Fiddy's Disease apparantly. So, it's a comfort to know that should this by some miracle happen next week, you won't be distracted, not even one teensy... little... bit!

COACH
I think I speak for everyone when I say... BOI-YOOOIIIING!!

Mesmerized by the impromptu show, Leon stares on for a while.

LEON
(after about a ten second delay)
You know what, I'm not going to be distracted, because I know you far better than that. Any... improper thoughts... well, they'll be well countered with the usual thoughts of dislike I possess about you.

KRISTA
Dislike? Come on, no need to be getting raw on me now.

LEON
Face it. You don't me and I don't like you.

Struggling to find a way to disagree, Krista just kinda ends up shrugging like 'so what'.

LEON
The fact is, you've never liked me.

KRISTA
Well, can you blame me? Aside from you being the very epitomé of all I hate about the narcissistic male half of the human race, a very large percentile of my overall disgust for you, the name Rodez doesn't exactly conjour up many good memories of my life.

LEON
Like Jade for example?

KRISTA
Like your brother, for example. Like being reminded of the trauma of a teenage pregnancy and giving birth to a child knowing full well her father was gone, for example. Seeing you carrying that name around the OAOAST, a constant reminder of that trauma. And then seeing Jade every week in the same building following in the same path as me and knowing I couldn't say a damn thing to her about her real parentage. Is it any wonder I took my hate out on you? Listen, I don't like anybody, let alone some cocky ex-pornstar who's brother impregnated me with a secret child! And don't you even start guilt-tripping me about Jade, okay? I did what was for the best.

LEON
Yeah, the best for Krista Isadora Duncan, just like everything you do.

Not one to get riled up over petty arguements with pro wrestlers easily, Krista doesn't really appreciate that one.

KRISTA
Wanna know what'd really be best for me right now? Not being here looking at you. Because all those painful memories, oh lord how it clenches up my fist. And when I clench up my fist there can only be two reasons. Guess which. Clue, it involves your face and doesn't involve removing my pants. Besides, I don't remember you being so quick to fill her in on the missing truths of her life once you found out there, Unky Leon. Seems she forgave me a little quicker than she did you. Tell ya anything?

LEON
And what has she got ever since she forgave you and eventually got her head around the fact you brought her into this world? Huh? [i]Nothing![/i] Her life was going fine until that revelation and it's been a steady decline ever since. Because even when she forgave you, it was all about you. There was no suggestion of the mighty media darling altering her life to adapt to the daughter she abandoned and washed her hands of, oh no! All the adjustment was put on Jade's shoulders. And I know what you're thinking, 'I gave her a better life' and maybe you can provide better things for her but that's not enough. You've completely disrupted her life, just as much as Moneymaker did. You fly her out to Los Angeles away from her family. You move her in with her new sister, who torments her for months. You throw her into a celebrity world she's got no business in, totally unprepared. And you know the worst thing? All the while, you systematically mock her. Just like you do to everybody else in the OAOAST and no doubt in your other life. You MOCK your own daughter, not out of spite or disdain, but because you can't help yourself! You mock her for being shy and quaint. You mock the fact she grew up in the relative quiet of Grand Rapids. You mock her for being NORMAL! The result being, her self-confidence is shot. She doesn't know who she is anymore, all because of you. I see her going out and getting destroyed by Malaysia trying to be Women's Champion, all to live up to the Duncan standards of success. You put her out there with words of praise and encouragement, but then you sit back and watch her fail at something you know that deep down she's not ready for. Modelling? Auditions to be an actress? Same thing. And now? She can be the mouthpiece for two grown men, but everytime I look at my TV screen and see her next to you she's stumbling over her words, uhming and ahhing, totally berefit of the confidence she's built up since coming here. Face it Krista, what Jade needed was a stable home, not a Hollywood Mom... and right now, you're failing her, just like you failed her at birth!

....

Yes, for one, Krista is actually momentarily speechless.

COLE
Wow.

COACH
Leon just got cold-blooded on Krista. I love it!

Having to metaphorically dust herself off after that, Krista does not look happy in the slightest.

COACH
At least I'll always have that moment to remember Leon by. Thanks brother. It was nice knowin' ya.

KRISTA
I can't believe I'm saying this, to you, but ya know maybe you're right. Maybe I am [i]about[/i] to fail Jade. Because I promised not to tear you apart out here tonight and leave you a snivelling, castrated wreck with no dignity in the middle of what I guess passes for a talk show set around here. But now, I'm not so sure. So Jade, honey, turn off the TV, because it's way past watershed. See I care about Jade. Sure, I've done some shit that I ain't so proud of where she's concerned, but you'd better believe I care about her. So don't you DARE start suggesting I don't. Because if Jade wants me to play nice girl, I can try my best. But if I have to do something to defend myself to her, then trust me when I saw I will rip your face off and wear it as a mask to replace you in her life whilst you're spending the remainder of it trying to dislodge your testicles from your oesophagus!

"OOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"

KRISTA
OOOOOHHHH indeed! "Aw naw she di'nt!" Oh, yes, she did... and oh, yes, she most certainly will! And not only would I be putting you out of the misery I've already described, I'll be doing my female race a major favour in the process, all things considered. God only knows how many abandoned babies you've been responsible for in your life, nevermind ones you thought were siblings. You're busy playing the field, trying to have your Nerdly and eat it too, all too literally, with TWO SISTERS! You letched after Crystal for about a month until she had enough and ran for the hills. Hell, remember why you and Alix broke up? Besides her finally getting her head as close to straight as it'll ever be? Because you cared more about a wrestling belt than your own girlfriend! The 24/7 Title no less. Even the people without girlfriends, ie. everyone else who ever held it, didn't care about it that much! So your track record for screwing up women's lives is pretty much flawless. Maybe that's why I don't feel even the slightest bit bad about Jade moving away from you to LA, taking the Duncan name, converting to my faith, becoming a part of my family. Truth be told, if anyone's got the potential to fail Jade then it'd be you. Because with you as a male role model, who knows how screwed up a human-being she was going to turn out to be! Although I guess if she needed any tips on how to deepthroat a cock properly then you'd have been a godsend!

Leon just glares back at Krista, who is apparantly done. Quick and to the point by her standards, but no less savage than usual. The two continue glaring until Krista finally volunteers to end the show by throwing her microphone across Leon's desk and leaving. No music, no nothing, just Krista walking off and Leon left standing in the ring, both with plenty to think about.

COLE
So, uh, how about that then?

COACH
Boy, that went sour fast. And it was awesome!

COLE
Well I think it's safe to say the tension next week will be a few notches higher than it was promising to be after that. Something tells me, just as this was, it won't stay pretty for long between these two.

Krista dissappears off into the back as we fade out on Leon stood sternly in the ring.