King Cucaracha 0 Report post Posted August 21, 2008 COLE Welcome back to HeldDOWN~! and... oh lord, what is this!? Groans fill the air as to the ring heads Biff Atlas, taking great care as to avoid any trailing wires or upturned carpeting. Biff lurches his arm away from outstretched hands a couple of times in fear of coming into range of contamination from any germ carriers in the crowd. Not specifically because we're in Alabama, you understand. But you couldn't blame him. Carrying in his hand a clipboard, Biff hand-crawls his way carefully up the ring steps, edging across the ring apron and entering through the bottom and middle ropes. COLE Last week on our sister show OAOAST Syndicated, Biff was carrying around some sort of petition he's drawn up... possibly in crayon... trying to get all fans banned from arenas for being too blood-thirsty and creating danger in the OAOAST. I could sit here all day and come up with reasons why that's completely ludicrous, but I wouldn't know where to begin. Pulling a cleansing wipe from his pocket, Biff cleans the microphone before accepting it from Michael Buffer. COACH First of all, crayons are much safer than pens or pencils. COLE Oh for crying out loud! BIFF Ladies and gentlemen... "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" BIFF Please, please. Ladies and gentlemen, tonight I am here on important business. Life saving business! So, please settle yourselves down, take a long deep breath, settle back into your chairs, because stress is a killer. Sir... sir... please. Biff tries to calm one fan in particular in the front row flipping him the bird. The personal attention given to him just makes him much more eager to [s]show himself up on live TV[/s] flip off Biff though. As Biff is attending to this gentlemen, another fan yells at Biff to "LOOK OUT BEHIND YOU", causing Biff to jerk around in fear of what's awaiting him. COLE Ha-ha! BIFF You see this is exactly the kind of disruptive behaviour I am trying to eradicate before somebody gets hurt around here! You people... *scratches his leg*... ah, darned rash. You people are putting the OAOAST personnel in danger. And I... *scratches again*... I'm sorry, just, give me a second here... As Biff continues scratching, he's forced to stop talking. The crowd grow restless and that naturally unnerves Biff. BIFF No please, please settle down. Ladies and gentlemen, please remain calm. Everybody please stay seated, we do not want to risk a stampede situation. Security personnel, if you can hear me, please restore order while I just very quickly apply this ointment... "DIE BIFF, DIE!" "DIE BIFF, DIE!" "DIE BIFF, DIE!" "DIE BIFF, DIE!" BIFF NO! NO, DON'T SAY THAT! Lower your voices, raising your voices increases the risk of throat cancer! Just please... I... *scratches*... I'm sorry, I really need to apply this medication before the infection spreads to my lungs. Could somebody please help me with the application whilst I speak before we have a riot on our hands? Somebody CLEAN! COLE This is absurd. With no volunteers making themselves known, Biff tries to call on Michael Buffer to do the honours with the cream on his upper thigh. But Buffer is still insulted over the implication his microphone was dirty and refuses. Looks to camera-men don't work either and poor Biff is facing an unenviable situation, needing to speak to prevent a riot, but needing to apply his medicated cream also. [COLOR=pink]"IT'S RAININ' MEN! Hallejulah IT'S RAININ' MEN! Amen"[/COLOR] Luckily, help is on his way. COLE Oh no! Out from the back to a much warmer reception skip Los Diablos De Fuego, VERY happy to help Biff out in his time of need! Biff's eyes widen a little as the fruity luchadors rush the ring, Moracca sliding in first, only for Mariachi to pull him back out and insist he's the man for the job. After a brief scrap they both slide in and huddle over to Biff asking for the cream. BIFF You... you two? ...are you clean? Both men nod their heads eagerly. BIFF I don't know, I can't have unauthorized hands touching my skin. You can never be too careful with skincare. Is there anyone else? Moracca looks to sweeten the deal by pulling off his pink glove and LICKING HIS HAND CLEAN, showing the phlegm covered palm to Biff and insists in broken English "IS CLEAN, IS CLEAN!" Going one better, Mariachi pulls a rubber glove from his boot and stretches it on. BIFF I admire your health conscience, but really, I think I'd be best consulting a medical professional. A sterilised medical professional. You two are... well, how can I put this... your lifestyle is very unsafe. "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" COLE What's that supposed to mean? COACH I know what it means! I wanna know why these people are booing, if they're actually disagreeing with Biff then I got Alabama down all wrong pact! BIFF No offence, but I really don't know where you two have been. Moracca and Mariachi try to explain where they've been and you can all fill in the blanks about where they're pointing folks! BIFF Much as I'm in medical need right now, no. Coming into contact with you is a risk I'm just not willing to take. Especially not after what you did to me two weeks ago! Very unsafe. Infact, ever since then I've been feeling the effects of... *eyes widen*... this rash... oh my God! YOU! Biff starts to freak out and tries to run from the ring, but Los Diablos catch him and tackle him to the ground, to huge cheers! Grabbing the rash cream Mariachi starts to prepare for application. Biff fights and squirms to get free and starts having a mini-panic attack, forcing Los Diablos to try and calm him down. And calm him down the best way they know how, as Biff fights to his feet but gets trapped in the Double Bearhug!! COLE HOMIES HUG! Screaming in fear, Biff wails away, "MY RASH, MY RASH!" as Los Diablos place their calming hands all over his body. Luckily for Biff, VINNY VALENTINE hits the ring and breaks the hug up. Free of the luchadors in love, Biff rolls out of the ring and SPRINTS for his very life, covering his BUTT protectively with his hands. Meanwhile, Vinny having hit the ring to make the save is left alone yelling at Biff to come back and help [i]him[/i] out. Help he could have done with, as Los Diablos hook him up and give him a peck on the cheeks, before planting him face-first with the Double Flatliner! COLE Vinny Valentine has just tasted The Kiss Of Death. And I hope somebody backstage knows the kiss of life for Biff Atlas' sake. COACH And these people cheer? Are we really in Alabama!? With Vinny V laid out, Los Diablos perform over his fallen body, not so much disco dancing and dirty dancing as we fade away. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
