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alfdogg

HD: Panic in the Burroughs

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"SHIT!"

With that, we cut backstage, where Tony Tourettes is playing an oddly-stationed crane game, as Vinny Valentine and Biff Atlas stand by.  The crowd cheers upon seeing Tony, but switch to boos as PATD becomes visible.

TONY
Gimme another goddamn quarter!

VINNY
Man, aren't you done yet?

Tony sticks his hand out farther, and Vinny pops another quarter out of his coin dispenser.

TONY (sticks the quarter in)
I'm gonna get you, motherfucker...

Tony grabs the joystick, and moves it around, catching a rubber snake, which slides out as he moves it towards the hole.

TONY
GOD DAMN IT, SHIT!

Vinny rolls his eyes, as he knows what's coming, and dispenses another quarter as Tony turns back to him.  Just then, the sounds of a man singing R&B music from his headphones can be heard, and the man wearing the headphones is Quincy, arriving on the scene with all the rest of the Burrough Boys.  Luther and Waldo are embroiled in some discussion, then break it off when they spot Vinny.

LUTHER
See, look at 'dis muthafucka, man!

WALDO
Yo baby, how da hell dus you an' Captain Planet over 'dere get in dis battle royal dis Sunday, while we still stuck sittin' and watchin' at the hotel?  

LUTHER
Yeah, what's reallyhood?

VINNY
I'll tell you what's reallyhood, my man.  See, the OAOAST has to look out for the female audience.

MARIANO
Aw, get da fuk outta here!

VINNY
That's right!  And the way to attract that fan to the battle royal?  V-squared, baby!

LUTHER
Foo, ain't no bitches comin ta see yo ass!

VINNY
That's where you're mistaken, my man!  Ladies love me, girls adore me! I mean, even the ones who never saw me like the way that I rhyme at a show!  The reason why?

*turns to Biff*

BIFF
...man, I don't know.

VINNY
Exactly, there you go!  High five!

BIFF (turns away in disgust)
[i]No![/i]  I don't know where your hand's been!

MARIANO
What about dis cat, yo?  What you gon' do in a battle royal?  You won't even let yo' man slap hands, dog!

WALDO
Yeah man, he ack like he got some Mike Myers hands!  Like he gon' eat yo dream or some shit!

LUTHER
Dumb ass mutha fucka, that ain't no Mike Myers!

Luther slaps Waldo on the side of the head.

BIFF
Spend a day with Vinny, and you'll get it.  Trust me.

MARIANO
Aw man, I believe you dog, I bet this cat fucks any bitch dat moves!  I wouldn't touch dat, either.

WALDO
So, which one was Mike Myers, 'den?

LUTHER
Bitch, I TOLD yo ass, dat's dat white boy off fuckin' Austin Powers!  Don't make me slap yo wack ass again!

TONY
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKKKKKK!

Tony turns around, as the rest of the group looks on in astonishment.

TONY
I am SO SICK, of these MOTHERFUCKING SNAKES, in this MOTHERFUCKING CRANE!

*awkward silence*

TONY
Any of you guys got a quarter?

The Burrough Boys look at each other, and smile.

MARIANO
I got a dime!

Mariano then pulls a dimebag out of his pocket, followed by the rest of his friends.

LUTHER
This is worth a lot more than a quarter!

TONY
Well, LET'S LIGHT THAT SHIT UP!

BURROUGH BOYS
AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW YEAH!

VINNY
Oh please, that ain't worth shit, what the fuck do you guys know?

The BB's give Vinny a strange look, as he opens his suitcase.

VINNY
...at least not next to THIS.

Vinny pulls out a bag of cocaine the size of a basketball, then smiles as the group's eyes widen.

VINNY
NOW let's go.

TONY/BB's
YEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH~!

Everyone heads off, except for Biff, who then turns to the crane game, and pulls a wet wipe out of his pocket, then successfully grabs the snake out of the the machine.  As soon as he grabs it out, however, Tony comes rushing back into the picture and snatches it from him, then heads back towards the others as Biff looks on, with a worried look on his face.

*back to Sofa Central*

COACH
...we are SO getting kicked off the air.

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