HD: Jade's party

[King Cucaracha 0]

Our loyal cameraman is on the run backstage, narrowly avoiding being trampled on as he goes about his daily work. He's not covering an out of control brawl though, or even someone running from an out of control brawl. Instead, he's trying to avoid being bundled over by new OAOAST Women's Champion Jade Rodez-Duncan, who is being led through the halls of the arena with Alix Maria Spezia's hands clasped over her eyes to prevent her from seeing where she's going. Unfortunately Alix is having some trouble herself and the pair teeter from side to side like a car veering across an icy road.

JADE
Can't you just cover my eyes when we get there?

ALIX
No, I've already told you there's a surprise. From the moment you know there's a surprise onwards, it's eyes shut missy. Those are the rules.

Poor Jade is bumped into the side of a catering table.

ALIX
You know you're not very good at this. AH, good, we're here. And with only one injured passer by to concern ourselves with... later, of course.

Distant sounds of someone moaning in pain at being trampled as soon drowned out by the muffled sounds coming from inside the locker room Jade has been stopped in front of. Looking confused, Jade turns to Alix, who motions her inside. And despite being understandably wary of any of Alix's best laid plans, Jade opens the door of the locker room...



...to be greeted by a room full of OAOAST superstars and personnel, who all let out a cheer upon seeing her!

JADE
:o

Looking shocked and just a little embarrassed at the attention Jade slinks into the room.

JADE
You did this for me!? Oh my God, I'm... I'm so...

Just as Jade looks ready to start sobbing, Alix rushes over to punch her in the arm.

ALIX
No crying, you're a champion now!

JADE
Sorry. It's just, this is such a beautiful gesture. Nobody's ever thrown me a victory party before... and I mean, all my friends are here and... it's just... a little too muc...

Alix punches the emotional Jade again.

JADE
Ow!

ALIX
You've gotta be stronger than that if you want to beat Malaysia missy! Now drop and give me 20 reasons why Stephen Colbert is funnier than Jay Leno! Go!

JADE
Alix, I beat Malaysia already. On Sunday. You got thrown out, remember?

ALIX
Uhm, vaguely. I get thrown out of a lot of places. Yeah, now that you come to mention it, I think some harsh referee dude said I had to leave for some reason. So I did and when I got backstage, I ran into this group of people who said they were The Burrough Boys. We hung out for a while, did some stuff. Everything's a little hazy after that. ...hey, where am I?

With Alix's mind scrambled as ever, Jade leaves her be and walks into a celebratory hug from Melody Nerdly.

MELODY
Oh Em Gee girlfriend, uber congrats! [Stewie Griffin voice] Victory is yours!

JADE
Thanks Mel. I can't believe all this. It still hasn't sunk in yet.

MELODY
Yeah, I figured since you hadn't changed your MSN greeting to reflect your Women's Champion status yet, it must not have. Listen, when you do, hit me up, I know how to make any facial expression you could wish for with just the help of a keyboard. And hey, I spoke to the tech dudes and they're gonna try and update the video game, No Homo, so you come out with the Women's Title by default! Won't that be bitchin'? You won't have to look in the mirror to see what you'd look like as Women's Champ!

JADE
Yeah. When's that game even coming out anyway?

MELODY
Wel...

All of IGN is left holding their breath as before Melody can finish, none other than ZACK MALIBU passes by!

ZACK
Hey, congratulations Jade.

JADE
I... uh... uhm, thank you!

ZACK
No problem. You did a great job. Still got some of that Rodez fighting spirit I see.

JADE
Well, it is, like, half of my name. Well, I mean, ya know, a third of my name, sorta. Heh.

ZACK
Yeah. Anyway, it doesn't get any easier from here on being a champion. So keep up the good work.

Zack pats Jade on the shoulder and heads off to mingle some more, apparantly unaware of Jade's increased breathing pattern.

MELODY
Don't tell me you've still got a crushcrushcrush on him.

JADE
WHAT!? NO! No, of course I don't! I mean, I never did.

MELODY
Suuurrre. Hey, remember that time I got you smashed on my homemade quote-un-quote lemonade recipe way back when? "Oh, I know he's my big brother's best friend, but he's soooo sweet to me", hiccup, go dizzy, puke on my Mom's carpet and all over my PS2.

JADE
Okay, so maybe I used to. But that was like two years ago, I was young and stupid... and couldn't hold my drink, apparantly. That doesn't mean anything.

MELODY
Oh. Well, good, because I read on the message boards that he's married anyway.

Melody's body language suddenly goes awkward.

MELODY
So... uh, how's Leon doin'?

JADE
No. I'm not getting involved!

MELODY
I just wondered how he is.

JADE
I know what you just wondered Melody and I don't exactly appreciate getting dragged into it. Again. Look, it's none of my business, okay. Let's talk about something else.

Melody begrudgingly gives in and starts to bore Jade to tears instead by recounting her mind-blowing high scores on Guitar Hero DS, complete with a helpful demonstration, while other OAOAST wrestlers line up to give their congratulations without getting in Melody's wake.


And now, a word from our non product-placement recieving sponsors...

Edited September 6, 2008 by King Cucaracha

[King Cucaracha 0]

It's time to rejoin the party, as we find ourselves back in the middle of Jade Rodez-Duncan's Women's Title Celebration Shindig. And underneath an over-sized banner which reads likewise, the people of the OAOAST mix away with Jade walking around as the unwilling centre of attention. She gives nervous smiles and waves as she's congratulated by various people she either doesn't recognise or usually has no contact with, relieved to finally make it across the room to the more common company of Alix Maria Spezia. The shifty Hollywood Bad Girl is in the process of trying to spike the punch when Jade sits down besides her with a sigh, causing her to quickly hide the flask.

ALIX
So, how's the party girl doing?

JADE
Uh... parties aren't really my thing. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy you've all done it for me, really and truly. I'm just being silly, that's all. Do you have any idea when Mom's gonna show up?

ALIX
About half an hour ago.

JADE
Oh, she's running late then?

ALIX
No, when I say half an hour ago I mean she actually showed up half an hour ago. But she got super-pissed when she realised the party wasn't to celebrate her becoming Mister Money In The Bank and left. Punched some dude in the face pretty hard too.

Jade laughs nervously, hoping that Alix was joking, until Doctor Max Anderson of The Love Doctors walks by with a swollen lip.

ANDERSON
(with a lisp)
In her defence, I probably shouldn't have asked her if she felt old having her daughter win an OAOAST Championship. By the way, congratulations.

Anderson heads off, lucky enough to know how to treat swollen lips himself.

ALIX
Yeah... plus she's got some Mister Money In The Bank acceptance showcase thing to go and get ready for, so she said she'd be back once that was over.

JADE
Oh! That's okay then. You know, she probably doesn't appreciate being called 'Mister' Money In The Bank either Ally.

ALIX
Are you kidding? She loves it! Or, at least, me calling her that gets me totally hot, because I picture her in some kinda important looking tuxedo suit with a bowtie and her hair all bunched up in a ponytail. Sophisticated looking, like that Republican chick that the old war-hero dude chose to be his Vice President as a publicity stunt? Oh yeah. That's an Oval Office I'd love to tour over and over. And when I'm totally hot, it's Krista getting the benefits. And she loves that. So it's all good. I really ought to buy her a tuxedo. Or in these times of economic doo-doo we love in, maybe it'd be cheaper and more eco-friendly to just rent one. Like from a wedding shop? I'm sure they'd do one Krista's size. Not that I know much about wedding shops. Or weddings at all. Sadly. Ho hum.

Jade wonders if mingling with the party guests would be so bad compared to listening to Alix talking about her relationship problems. Especially with them involving her mother.

ALIX
You know, the first time I had sex with your Mom was amazing.

And it just got even more uncomfortable. Jade's eyes widen, staring straight ahead and praying for a way out of this conversation. Alix buys her some time from taking a swig from her hip flask. But not enough time for a diversion to appear.

ALIX
Straight away, I knew we were gonna be together forever, ya know. It wasn't some deal where I just pleasured her a couple of times, left a tip and moved on to the next name in the personal ads like when I was in college. We made a real connection. Like, a spiritual one. I remember it like it was yesterday and like you're well aware I've got a memory like a... uhm... what's those things with the holes in? Anyway, doesn't matter. Point is... uhm... well, I forget that too. But I just remember caressing my hand up and down her thigh, crawling my way out from under the covers with what energy I had left after our third session, both of our naked bodies drenched in sweat from head to toe. And when I poked my eyes out from between the middle of your Mom's breasts and gazed into her eyes... man. You know what I'm saying?

JADE
...if I say yes, will you change the subject?

The earnest horror in Jade's voice prompts Alix to go on regardless.

ALIX
Ever since then we've been a team. We've won all sorts of wrestling matches together. We've been in an on and off mostly monogamous relationship. We even teamed up to fight The Joker, at that local parade when it turned out the guy playing him was a convicted paedophile.

JADE
Oh yeah, I think I saw that on the news.

ALIX
Point is, we're a team. You got Krista, you got Alix. One without the other ain't gonna spread the butter. It'd be like Sonny without Cher. Barney without Fred. Mork without Mindy. K-Fed without Britney. The rest of N*Sync without Justin. The Jonas Brothers without pre-pubescent teens to buy their records. It just wouldn't work, man! And I know I went off with Mackenzie and that was really, really dumb of me to think another woman could satisfy me like your Mom can...

JADE
:mellow:

ALIX
...but look at us now, huh? Even after all that, we're still together and we're stronger than ever!

JADE
But you want more, right?

ALIX
Sure! I always want more. That's what makes me such a great girlfriend for a rich successful woman, never know what I'm gonna want next!

Jade nods understandingly.

JADE
Say, Ally... do you think Mom's proud of me?

ALIX
What!? Of course she's proud of you! Oh man, you wouldn't believe the smile she had on her face when you won that belt. Obviously she'd never tell you to your face, cause she's not into all that emotional crap that drags her down to the level of mere mortal humans like you. But she absolutely is! Why, just last night in bed, we were lying naked either side of this big bowl of strawberries and cream and she was covere...

JADE
You know what, I gotta go... I'm sorry, very important, bye bye!!

As fast as her legs can carry her, Jade looks for less unsettling conversation on the other side of the room. Alix sulks a little for a second, until Dr. Max returns and eagerly sits in the chair Jade had vacated.

ANDERSON
(still with the lisp)
Please, continue.

[King Cucaracha 0]

COLE
All night, the celebrations have been going on for Jade Rodez-Duncan after her emotional upset victory over Malaysia at AngleSlam. Let's go back there right now and rejoin the party, shall we?

Coach begins to stand up and leave.

COLE
I didn't mean literally.

COACH
Aw.


Those of us sitting at home are transported back to the party though, where the happy gathering continues. The centre of the celebrations, Jade, is chatting happily with old pal Bohemoth. And everyone else seems to be chatting to someone or other. All except for Leon Rodez, who we find sat in a folding chair with a cellphone clasped against his air, not in the party spirit what-so-ever. And the happy talk comes to an awkward stop, as Leon's voice suddenly raises over everyone elses.

LEON
THAT'S NOT WHAT I SAID!

After some uncomfortable murmuring, everybody tries to go back to their conversations and try not to seem like they're eavesdropping.

LEON
Look... no, look, all I said was, 'if only'. ... No, I'm not BLAMING you. ... Look, all I said was 'if only you hadn't led him on, none of this would have happened', is that me saying you deserved to get hurt? No. No, it's not. ... Well, no offence, but you should feel bad about it. ... Yeah, well, tell that to my niece and every other woman that's in dange... What? ... Look, you know what, fine, fine!

The person on the other end of the conversation clearly hangs up, leaving Leon to sigh and stick the cellphone back in his pocket. Sensing he needs someone to talk to, Jade leaves Bo be and crouches down next to her... *double checks*... uncle.

JADE
Maggie?

LEON
Mmm-hmm.

JADE
You know, she probably feels pretty bad right now. You can't blame her for feeling angry.

LEON
That's the thing, I know I shouldn't blame her, but she's the one who got Reject involved. All to try and make me jealous. I mean, what's that all about? And now, Reject's running around attacking women everywhere he does, putting the blame on me? Not just Maggie, people who've got nothing to do with it. How long before he comes after you? Huh? I can't just sit around and let that happen, I'd never forgive myself.

JADE
Hey, if he comes after me, he'll have Krista to deal with.

That was presumably meant to be light-hearted, but it just seems to make Leon a little glummer.

LEON
The whole thing's a complete mess. Every time I turn around, I've got Melody on my tail trying to talk to me. By the way, where is she?

JADE
She's other there trying to get people to play Whose Line Is It Anyway party games with her.

LEON
Again?

JADE
I know, I've already been roped in twice. Ad libbing isn't my thing.

LEON
I've noticed. Listen, you don't need to be listening to my problems, you're supposed to be celebrating. It's just... you know, I try and do a good deed and it ends up blowing up in my face at the moment.

Putting two and two together in her head, Jade looks a little surprised.

JADE
You mean... this was your idea?

LEON
Please, you think if 'Mommy' threw you a party, she'd invite anyone who was a professional wrestler? Phff!

JADE
I just assumed Alix... oh, thank you!

Jade gives her uncle a big, genuine hug.

LEON
Yeah, well, I know we haven't seen much of each other lately and you'll probably be heading back out to LA pretty soon, so I figured this was the least I could do. I know you said you wanted to make Krista proud. But you've wanted to be Women's Champion way longer than she'd ever give credit to. And I don't know about her, but you certainly made me proud.

JADE
That's so sweet...

ALIX
DO I SEE CRYING? *cocks fist*

JADE
No, I'm okay Alix, really!

Alix skulks back off to her punch-spiking duties.

JADE
I know I haven't been around much lately, when you probably could have done with me around too. But I never would have become Women's Champion without you. So, it was as much for you as it was Krista and I'm sorry for not coming and finding you afterwards to say thank you. And if you do need to talk, you know I'm only a phone-call away. I'll get Krista to have your number unblocked again as soon as we get back to LA.

LEON
That's... uh... that's sweet of you.

JADE
So, what do you think of my hair?

LEON
Yeah, it's nice. The cheerleader outfit I could voice some issues with though.

Ah, a happy ending!

[King Cucaracha 0]

The Rodez-Duncan party is still jumpin' off backstage with Rhianna's Disturbia blasting in the background. Such loud music causes a martini toting Krista Isadora Duncan to have to strain to hear the nervous, unsure voices of D*LUX. Anxious and excited from her presence, they avert their gaze from their famous crush.

SHAYNE
Miss Krista uh...hmmm....what did you think of our performance in the TLC match?

TYLER
Please be honest. Your opinion means so much to us.

KRISTA
Isn't that really Leon's field of expertise? His only field of expertise. Besides spectacularly and hilariously failing at every single thing he attempts, which he is in fact, quite the practiced expert at! The high chief of being shitty at life, if you will.

TYLER
He's busy with In Crowd things, plus honestly...we'd rather your opinion, Miss Krista.

KRISTA
Oh, honey, I didn't watc.....(Krista notices their saddened expression) want you to know how fabolous I thought you were, because its so embarrassing. I was at my gym with one Miss Kate Hudson, and she looked at these ten million dollar beauties and said "Krista, your legs looked fantastic at Angleslam. How ever can I get them?", and I laughed my wonderful charming laugh that drives everyone crazy, and I told her they're a gift from god, somebody say amen! And, don't worry this relates to you somehow, I just need to talk about myself to keep from falling into a coma and choking on my own vomit. Then Kate said, but that skirt you had on, made them look even better. And I laughed my wonderful blah blah blah laugh and I said I wore that number just to celebrate Tyler and Shayne's performance in the whatever match you were in. The New York Times called it a breathtaking work that untangles the soul of man. Well, I suppose they would if they reviewed obscure wrestling matches and not reported on elections, and wars, and terrorism and all that boring crap. I liked it though.

D*LUX's mood instantly brightens, and they smile so widely its as if kind words from Krista are even better than winning the match itself. They're reading to ask more questions, but before they can speak they're interrupted by Alix Maria Spezia.

ALIX
Hey-ya, kiddies, do ya mind if I borrow my pretty-pretty GF real quick?

SHAYNE
By all means, Miss Alix. Have a great day, Miss Krista!

Shayne and Tyler depart with a polite nod, leaving Krista alone with Alix, and her martini.

KRISTA
Thank you so much for rescuing me, sweetheart, I thought I was going to have the analyse the subtle nuances of using a chinlock in a Tender Love and Care match. That's a fairly stupid concept for a match, but then again this is the company that let a three hundred pound abmonation against natural genetics threaten the most evil beast to ever crawl out satan's womb, and then got shocked when she accused him of rape.

ALIX
Heh, yeah, so movin on from my ex maybe getting raped or maybe not getting raped, remember how I nag you everyday of your life to propose to me? Well, yeah, today is another day of your life...

KRISTA
Don't remind me, I forgot to take my anti depressants again. 

ALIX
Well, Ally is the only anti dep...depr....depos...depro..So like, propose to me and stuff! Let's get married! Why should Republicans and teenage whores be the only ones doing it? We're democrats and adult whores, let's kick the system in its underage right wing tushy!

KRISTA (looking around at the other party goers)
We're in a room with flamboyant queens dressed in pink leather and a massive bear with flame tattoos on his head wearing a nipple revealing leotard, only Andy Dick hyped up on copius amounts of ecstasy could possibly find that to be a romantic envrionment. More importantly, so you don't nag me later, I don't think we're ready to get married. You know how I feel, sweetie.

ALIX
Uh-uh, no way! We're sooooooo ready! The extra o's mean we're extra ready! 

KRISTA
I don't even have my presenter speech for the VMA's ready.

ALIX
Just lay a kiss on Madonna. Do it for all of us who wanna be like a virgin touched for the very first time!

KRISTA
I would but I'd hate to be turned into a creature of the undead like Britney.

ALIX
Krissy, we're hot, and hot people have to get together! Its like a con...cons...cont...consquential amendment or whatever, ya know like, oh my god, even the same laws apply in outer space! And space is really out there! Like, you know the sun, right?

KRISTA
No, I'm not famillar with the sun. Please tell me more of this mysterious object, oh wise one.

ALIX
Right, we'll he's like this big ball of like I dunno orange crayons or whatever, but they were like microwaved by god once, and then he made threw it at Jesus in heaven, but then Jesus couldn't catch because he's a Jew and you all suck at sports, so it went through heaven's window and out into space! And its like really hot! And then Mercury was there, and Mercury is like this really sexy Latina chick, nice BUTT, flat stomach, curly brown hair, great singing voice sometimes goes by the name of Alix, and she says "I gotta get with you" so she's next to the sun. And so then like Jupiter comes in, and she's a mega babe to, but she's a real project bitch, like ghetto as hell, right. Like when the Sun busts its gun, Jupiter is feeding the clips, so the Sun keeps her on the side. And then Earth is there, and Earth is like a solid 8, retaining some water, and has this screwed up disease called humanity, but it can't spread so its cool for a hook up. And all the way at the end there's Pluto, and he's like this skinny, short, pale, little english dude, who wears this stupid looking doo rag, and jumps around and gets his BUTT kicked a lot, and he's ugly and he sucks.

JAMIE O'HARA
:(

ALIX
Not you, dude, you're awesome! Whew, great save, huh? I'm the awesome one! And you know what else is awesome? S-e-x! And we can have a lot more of it, if ya just gimmie a really, really expensive ring. 

KRISTA
Marriage is about more than great sex, Ally. Its about bad sex. Horrible sex. Brutal sex. Torturous sex. Sex equivalent to watching any movie where Jennifer Love Hewitt attempts to act and remains fully clothed. Its also about old sex. Are you prepared to have sex with me when I'm sixty five years old?

ALIX
Yeah! I'd hook up with you if you were rotting away in maggot infested coffin, that's how much I love ya!

KRISTA
Yikes. That is very disturbing, yet somewhat comforting. Mostly disturbing, however, and I'm gonna make sure I have express written instructions to be cremated in my will. As for marriage, I guess I'll tell you what I always tell you, I'll think about it.

Krista chugs down the last of her martini, which gives her the excuse to go away and get another one. Not that Krista ever needs an excuse to get another drink, but its nice to pretend.

ALIX
Don't think too hard, it'll give you wrinkle lines!  That's why I never think, so I don't get wrinkles!