Tony149 0 Report post Posted September 26, 2008 (edited) A [b][color="#FF0000"]multi[/color]-[color="#FF00FF"]color[/color] [color="#2E8B57"]disco[/color] [color="#0000FF"]ball[/color][/b] lowers as “Rock Your Baby” hits, but with the lyrics to “My Dick” to create a funky fresh remix titled “Rock My Dick Baby” that’s bound for the next OAOAST: The Music CD release. BUFFER The following 6-person special attraction is scheduled for one fall. Introducing first, accompanied by MALAYSIA NERDLY and TONY TOURETTES, at a total combine weight of 686 pounds, the team of BBIIIIIIIIIIIFFFFFFFF ATLAS, "THE DISCO DUCK" VVVVVIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNYYYYYYYYYY VALENTINE and MMMISSSSSSSSTEEEEERRRRR DICK!! "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" His teammates posing onstage under a golden shower of pyro, Biff Atlas maintains his distance to avoid a Michael Jackson/James Hetfield type of accident, which shouldn’t be too hard in the HAZMAT SUIT he’s wearing. COLE What is this?! COACH A man who’s resourceful. Not only is Biff protected from stray pyro, but also infectious diseases carried by the likes of Los Diablos de Fuego. You might say that suit’s AIDS tested and Biff approved! COLE I apologize for those remarks, ladies and gentlemen. COACH How come? Nobody apologizes when people make STD jokes about guys like Mr. Dick and Ned Blanchard. Why is that? Because they‘re straight? That’s hypocrisy, Mikey Cole. Homosexuals may be a cleaner people but they’re not [I]that[/I] clean. Besides, the last couple of times Los Diablos and Biff have come in contact, they’ve practically tried to sodomize him! Once ringside Biff Atlas produces a TAPE MEASURE and determines the security barricade isn’t 10 feet from the ring and orders that it be fixed ASAP or he’ll have the event stopped. COLE He can’t do that! COACH Of course he can. Biff wasn’t appointed Health and Safety Officer of the OAOAST for nothing. COLE Self-appointed I might add. As referee Clem Buzzlefoxer and other OAOAST officials -- timekeeper, road agents, etc --correct the violations ringside, [url="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RE8EAqneUbM"]In My Arms” by Kylie Minogue[/url] plays in our next team moving and grooving inside a block of neon oval cut outs (watch the video to see exactly what I mean). BUFFER And their opponents. First, at a total combine weight of 340 pounds, the sexiest team in AAAAALL of Mexico… MORACCA and MARIACHI... LOS DIABLOS DE FFFFFUUUUUEEEEEEEGGOOOOOOOOOO! And their partner, hailing from Los Angeles, California, she is a best selling author, a fitness queen, an inductee into the Hollywood Walk of Fame and star of the world famous FIT with KID line of exercise videos in addition to being the star of the VH1 reality show The Look of Love and the Angle Award winning female personality of the year, here she is… "MISS CALIFORNIA"... KRISTA ISADORAAAAAA DDUUUUUUUUUUUNNCAN!!!! "YYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" Krista and Los Diablos burst on the pink and yellow lit stage where they are joined by an assortment of ethnically diverse female dancers. To the ring they go, slapping hands along the way like any baby face worth his or her salt. COLE Fans, before our match begins, I want to quickly remind you that Krista will be competing tomorrow night on the huge SWF super card Genesis against Chance Silver. COACH An event brought to you by Landon Maddix. COLE I knew you’d work that in somehow. But ladies and gentlemen, if you order Genesis and Zero Hour later that weekend, you can get $10 off your Zero Hour purchase by sending a copy of your cable or satellite bill to: [color="#FF8C00"][b]OAOAST PPV Deal P.O. Box 149 New York, New York 10027[/b][/color] In the ring, Krista has the mic. KRISTA We’re here, we’re queer, and honey, we’re ready to kick some rear! "YYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" Not to be outdone, Vinny Valentine gives his team‘s response. VINNY (Travolta-esque laugh) Well, sweet cheeks, we’re young, we’re hung, and when it’s all said and done your bells will have been rung! "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" Vinny strikes that familiar Saturday Night Fever pose and gets smacked upside the head by Krista! “Would ya just watch the hair. Ya know, I work on my hair a long time and you hit it.” Vinny whines. “She hits my hair.” Clem shrugs as if to say “What do you want me to do about it?” “You can tell her not to hit my hair.” COLE I guess we can add mind reader along with dancing fool to Vinny’s résumé. COACH What Krista did was uncalled for, Cole. Hitting Vinny in the hair is like kicking a man in the family jewels. It’s wrong. But what’s right is an appearance from ALIX MARIA SPEZIA. Wearing a sexy soccer referee uniform, the Princess of Los Angeles rides in on a…ZEBRA!?! COACH Oh, great. Here comes Woody Allen’s fantasy. A child-like female of legal age. COLE I’m more concerned about the zebra loose in the arena. I hope it’s tamed. Alix skips inside for a consultation with referee Clem Buzzlefoxer and ring announcer Michael Buffer. Lost staring at Alix’s bosoms, Clem nods…and nods…and nods. “So we’re, like, cool and stuff?” she asks. * drools * “Wow, you must really be thirsty, or this job’s harder than I thought.” “Yes,” says the mouth watery World War II vet, “hard.” COACH Clem, you senile old pervert. Wrestling’s only true senior official is escorted to his timekeeper’s table seat, then an official announcement. BUFFER Ladies and gentlemen, your referee for this contest… ALIX MARIA SPEZIA! "YYYYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!" MR. DICK/VINNY/BIFF :huh: COLE So much for their 4 ½ advantage. COACH 4 ½? I count 5. Hey, there’s no need for that cheap shot on Tony Tourettes. I bet he could take you in a fight. Malaysia warns Alix to call it by the rules with the crack of her cat ‘o-nines tail, which the Hollywood Bad Girl rightfully interprets as a threat and issues her a… …[color="#808000"][b]GOLD AMERICAN EXPRESS CARD[/b][/color]!?! Apparently it’s supposed to represent a yellow caution card in soccer, but its too plain for Alix‘s taste. MALAYSIA :firedevil: “OK, you know what? I’m not feeling a connection between us, so YOU’RE OUTTA HERE!” The dreaded [color="#FF0000"][b]RED CARD[/b][/color] (actually Jade’s Target card but Krista took it away because Duncan girls don‘t pay for items/clothes, they‘re celebrities) makes its pro wrestling debut and Malaysia is none too happy. Neither is Tony Tourettes. TONY BITCH! CUNT! WHORE! STARFUCKER! ALIX (moans w/pleasure) Oooooh, yeah, I so am. (staring at Krista) :wub: (to Tony) Anyway, red card for you to, Ricky Retardo. COLE Oh, my. Tony Tourettes has also been ejected from ringside! COACH Alix is making Joey Crawford look like a Sunday school teacher. But who is she to call someone else retarded? That’s like… Well, it’s like something. Vinny calms his cousin outside as Mr. Dick has a few choice words for Alix, only to be grabbed in a REVERSE BLUE BALL SPECIAL~! MR. DICK :o * DINGDINGDING * COLE And we’re officially underway. COACH Yeah, after that underhanded tactic. The Human Hard On manages to get behind Krista and takes her down in a waistlock, then floats on top and proceeds to HUMP HER HEAD! “OOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!” Once finished Mr. Dick lies across the top turnbuckle pretending to enjoy a cigarette. Fuming mad, Krista sprints ahead and punts the Cock Prick in the air, causing him to CROTCH himself on the top rope! “GFQWFQWIYAHAAAH!” (re-read last week’s pose down to understand its meaning) Krista shakes the top rope until Mr. Dick springs back inside, then she traps him in the corner and unloads from the middle rope. 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... Mr. Dick answers with an inverted atomic drop, but since chicks have no dicks it has little effect. Guys do, though, and sporting a facial expression that says “bitch, please,” the Nortorious K.I.D. kicks the narcissistic SOB in the balls and delivers a WSDDDT(write shit down DDT)! "YYYYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!" Krista pulls a tube of lipstick from within her top and scribbles the following message: [font="Arial Black"][color="#FF0000"]SWF GENESIS FEATURING: KRISTA ISADORA DUNCAN VS SWF LEGEND CHANCE SILVER SEPTEMBER 26TH ON PPV[/color][/font] Yes, all that. Krista is a woman of extraordinary talent. Now the cover. ONE… TWO… NO! Krista moves and Vinny drops an elbow on MD! As Vinny apologizes to his partner Krista slaps him upside the head. Again. “Hey, what did I tell ya about my hair?” he shouts. “You told me to watch it.” “Right. And whatcha do?” “I hit it.” “She hit my hair. She hit my hair, referee lady.” Alix ponders the testimony heard and rules in favor of Vinny, issuing Krista a yellow card to her astonishment. "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" “But, baby,” Krista pleads. “Uh-uh-uh. I’m nobody’s baby. I am the referee in charge.” Alix retorts, pointing to the zebra still ringside. KRISTA :( “Oh, you really know how to melt my heart. OK, yellow card rescinded.” COACH The hell?! Who’s Krista sleeping with to get a call… Oh, never mind. "YYYYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!" Seeing how Krista charmed herself out of a yellow card, Vinny naturally thinks a cool cat like himself can get Alix to overturn her decision…again. His best puppy dog face on display, he struts up to Alix and receives a yellow card! “That’s for thinking I’m stupid, stupid.” Vinny’s really :( now, and a DOUBLE DROPKICK from Los Diablos doesn’t help matters! Out to the floor he goes and face to face he comes with the zebra, which becomes attracted to Vinny’s zebra pattern bellbottoms! COLE We’re about 30 seconds from broadcasting live on Animal Planet, fans. Vinny dashes to his corner. Luckily for him, the animal handlers intervene before the zebra could give chase. Inside, Mr. Dick gains control, clubbing Krista from behind and then wiping out Los Diablos with a clothesline! COACH Who’s kicking rear now, Cole? COLE Krista and Los Diablos got caught paying attention to what was going on outside. Not that I can blame them. Back on the apron, Vinny wants the tag and gets it, then plays a painful version of Dance Dance Revolution on Krista while shouting “for my hair!” The Disco Duck then grabs a handful of Krista’s, but as he’s about to yank back he’s elbowed in the gut. Doubled over, he watches Krista go by and tag Moracca. But he gets both Diablos and the homies don’t hug, they LICK the side of his face ala the Bushwhackers! "YYYYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!" Mariachi exits as Moracca wrings the arm of Vinny Valentine, but Vinny responds in kind and is hip tossed. The Vin-Man complains about the use of tights, and like a good referee should Alix questions Moracca about it. COACH Good luck with that. Like he’s gonna admit to it. Cleared of any wrongdoing, the action resumes with both men locking up, and Vinny lands a forearm to the side of the face. He then whips Moracca across and charges in, but the flaming luchador floats over the top of him and sprints to the opposite far corner. Vinny follows but drops down as Moracca leaps onto the middle rope, only to foolishly pop up and point out how smart he is. When he turns around he’s by a pair of boots courtesy of a MISSLE DROPKICK! COLE Vinny might be missing a few teeth after that one. He got caught good there. ONE… TWO… KICKOUT! Moracca signals for the Famasser, but Vinny blocks the kick that sets it up and taunts the flamboyant masked man. ENZURIGI~! COLE That’s what Vinny gets for his cockiness. Vinny wanders to the wrong part of town and gets nailed by Krista and Mariachi before getting placed in an arm wringer that has his free hand used to rub Moracca’s genitals! COACH Poor Vinny’s getting a lot of cock now, isn’t he, Cole? Freaking out, the Disco Duck heads to the ropes to force a break and tags a reluctant Biff Atlas. Hazmat suit and all, the self appointed Health and Safety Officer of the OAOAST clearly would rather not be in the ring with either Diablo. “BIFF IS A WHIP!” “BIFF IS A WHIP!” “BIFF IS A WHIP!” COACH Whatever happened to southern hospitality? Upset by the chant, Biff grabs the mic. BIFF Excuse me, but I am not a whip. I remind you that professional wrestling is a very dangerous sport. Simply walking across the ring could lead to a torn quadriceps. So I ask that you please refrain from calling me a whip. However, if you wish to be vocal I suggest it be something constructive such as “SAFETY FIRST! SAFETY FIRST! SAFETY FIRST!” As Biff unsuccessfully leads the crowd in chant, Los Diablos make the exchange. Mariachi coming up the rear to sweep Biff off his feet and ride him like a pony, slapping that ass while wearing the HASO’s hazmat helmet and yelling "Giddy up!" "YYYYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!" Mr. Dick and Vinny rush in, but Krista and Moracca cut them off with a pair of drop toeholds, then ride them both! That earns Los Diablos a pair of GREEN CARDS from Alix! COLE This place is going crazy! COACH And I think I’m about to puke with this blatant disregard for the rules by Krista and Los Diablos. They’ve been in well past the allotted 5 seconds. Once Krista and Moracca have had their fun they return to the apron. Meanwhile, Biff throws Mariachi off and teaches us all why it’s important to ALWAYS WEAR SAFTEY GOGGLES as he connects with a running high knee! The cover. ONE… TWO… “OW!” Biff yelps after Moracca stomps him to make the save. Rubbing the back of his neck, Biff informs Moracca that wasn’t very nice and demands an apology. Instead he gets dropkicked from behind and punched in the face as he stumbles forward, then back again to be rolled up in a SCHOOL BOY! ONE… TWO… KICKOUT! Mariachi ducks a clothesline and tags Krista! "YYYYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!" Biff decides its time to check how Clem and the other OAOAST officials did fixing the guardrail issue from earlier and tags an off-guard Vinny Valentine who quickly tags Mr. Dick. No one else to tag, Mr. Dick mans up and tells the Notorious K.I.D. to bring it. She does and the two opponents Sunday night at Zero Hour trade blows. Just when it appears MD is starting to gain the advantage KID mounts a comeback. MD takes a nosedive following a series of VANITY PUNCHES, and then Krista comes off the ropes with her trademark SALSA KNEE DROP! ONE… TWO… KICKOUT! Krista hooks MD for a bulldog, but as she sprints forward and leaves her feet, Mr. Dick shoves her off towards the corner where she CROTCHES HERSELF ON THE MIDDLE TURNBUCKLE! “OOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!” Alix covers her mouth in horror as he beloved partner in life writhes on the mat in excruciating pain. The complete opposite can be said for Mr. Dick who grins from ear to ear. He adds to Krista’s ovarian discomfort with the COCK SHOCK! COACH I guess we can rule out Krista having another child anytime soon. Ha! Caught between a rock and a hard place, Alix motions over the originally referee assigned to the bout, Clem Buzzlefoxer, and TAGS him. “Krista gets real grumpy after losses,” she informs ’ol Clem, “although it also makes her real kinky in bed. Anyhoo, I don’t want to risk Krista fingering my spine out of my baby maker during our adult play time for counting her out, you know?” “Safety first.” chimes Biff. “You got it, dude.” COLE A referee exchange during the match? Well that’s certainly a first, not to mention bizarre. The count from Clem! ONE… TWO…. KICKOUT! "YYYYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!" MR. DICK :angry: COACH Mr. Dick, Vinny Valentine and Biff Atlas were robbed, Cole. They had the match won. Mr. Dick places Krista on the top turnbuckle and proclaims, “BARON WINDELS, THIS ONE’S FOR YOU!” “No, honey,” Krista interrupts, “[I]this[/I] one’s for [I]you[/I].” A nice swift KNEE TO THE BALLS, that is. COLE Why Mr. Dick continues to obsess over Baron Windels is anybody’s guess, but it may come back to haunt him in a big way. “K-I-D!” “K-I-D!” “K-I-D!” The crowd chanting her name, Krista balances herself on the top rope and does a little grind before stomping both feet down onto the stomach of MD! She then makes the tag to Moracca who comes in a house afire. “Ooh, ooh. Tag me. Clem, tag me back in.” Alix begs. Unfortunately Clem lost his hearing aid sometime during the middle portion of the match and since his eyesight is poor he’s unable to read lips. Moracca slams MD and Vinny, but needs Mariachi’s help to handle the bigger but not necessarily badder Biff Atlas. They both duck a clothesline and backdrop Biff on the rebound, then whip him to the corner where Mariachi dives across the middle rope to keep him trapped as Moracca flies in with the TOOTIE FROOTIE BOOTY BUMP to the face! COLE Los Diablos en Fuego. COACH :rolleyes: DOUBLE TILT-A-WHIRL FACE FIRST SLAM takes care of Vinny. Then the guys signal for their spike tombstone piledriver finisher, the Sodomizer. But Krista wants the honor of spiking MD. Los Diablos play to the crowd and they approve. As Moracca scoops MD up, the Cocky Prick grows about 7 more inches and pokes the Diablo in the eye! He then shoves Mariachi into Krista, knocking her off the top and down onto the apron and finally the arena floor. Alix quick to her side. Mr. Dick covers Moracca. ONE… TWO… THREE!!!! * DINGDINGDING * Mr. Dick rolls outside to celebrate with his teammates. Excessively. Like Boston Red Sox only clinching a playoff birth excessive. BUFFER Here are your winners… VINNY VALENTINE, BIFF ATLAS and MR. DICK! "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" COLE That’s gotta be the all-time most shocking ending to a match, fans. I mean… how do you even describe it? COACH Mr. Dick beat Krista. COLE His team beat hers, yes. COACH That’s what I said. Mr. Dick beat Krista. COLE No, her team. COACH They were on opposing teams, right? COLE Yes. COACH And his team won. COLE Right. COACH Which proves my point. Mr. Dick beat Krista! COLE (groans) We’ll be back. Edited September 26, 2008 by Tony149 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
