King Cucaracha 0 Report post Posted October 1, 2008 Alf's gonna have a segment with Jade and this needs to go sometime before that. If it doesn't, POG, East Coast, West Coast, I don't care, you better be runnin' bitch. I'm'a hunt you down. Via the magic of hidden cameras which may or may not legally be installed into every locker room, we find ourselves in the luxurious surroundings of the Duncan family locker room. Laid out across a coffee coloured leather sofa is Krista, fanning herself with a copy of Vogue magazine. Across the room sits Alix Maria Spezia, fanning herself with a copy of Teen Vogue magazine, for the woman who doesn't think it desperate to want to look 20 years younger. Curiously her hair is up in cute little pigtails. Coincidence? Probably not. And stepping into the room is the OAOAST Women's Champion, Jade Rodez-Duncan, who wonders why it's so hot in the room that everybody is busy fanning themselves. Cut to an OPEN FIREPLACE at the back of the room and a pile of letters handily labelled 'FANMAIL - OBSESSIVE' presumably helping it to burn. Jade puts the heat aside as she slowly approaches her mother, sitting on the glass coffee table next to her and biting her lip as Krista barely opens one eye wondering who's there. JADE Mom, can we talk? You know, about... boys? KRISTA Oh honey we've been over this like a hundred times. Mommy doesn't like boys. Mommy likes other mommies. JADE (slightly annoyed) I'm not a child. KRISTA So why didn't you understand all those diagrams I drew? Clearly the mention of those diagrams stirs up images that Jade would rather forget as she stares off into the distance for a couple of seconds, before very noticeably shaking it off. We can only imagine. JADE I'm being serious, I need your advice. KRISTA Oh very well then. *sits up* What's on your mind sweetie? JADE Well, there's this guy I kinda like... KRISTA Then bag him. We'll invite him over for dinner. At our house, where all of my potential murder weapons are detailed and catalogued. Worst comes to worst, [i]I'll[/i] bag him. Body bag. Hey, that was quite good. I ought to write that one down and use it when there's a live audience in front of me. Alix, get me a pen and some paper. And throw the 'Terry Taylor' pile on the fire while you're up. JADE It's not that simple. I dunno... guys just don't seem to go for me. I absolutely can't just go up to someone and ask them out. It doesn't work for me. ALIX Oh no? Alix takes a step to the left and opens the door, to reveal MARV of The Christ Air Express. ALIX Hey, would you like to sleep with my soon to be fiancée's eldest daugher? MARV Would I!? *SLAM!* ALIX See, that simple. JADE Uh, Mom, why was MARV standing outside our door like that? KRISTA Only one way to find out. Krista opens the door, MARV still stood right there ready. KRISTA Hey, why are you standing outside my door? MARV I love y-- *SLAM!* KRISTA Go figure. Shaking her head, Krista slumps back into her seat and ruffles her hair. KRISTA You know what your problem is Jade? Confidence! And not just with this, I'm talking everything. Wrestling, acting, making anonymous phone calls to celebrities who don't fall for my voice-altering techniques anymore, all of it! The whole shaboodle! Just remember one simple truth, nobody cares what you're doing, what you're saying and if you have a valid arguement or point to make or not, so long as you LOOK like it's worth watching or listening to. Especially men. You just have to be confident. Like me! JADE That's easy for you to say though. You're one of America's hottest pin-ups. KRISTA True. And you're my daughter. Look at you. Nice hair, bits in all the right places... admittedly some places more than others, but nobody's perfect. Come on. You're a cutiepie. ALIX Yeah, a big'ole slice of cutiepie! Mmm-mmm. Extra helpings go down good! Jade's eyes widen as she watches Alix mime eating from a rather large fork and rubbing her stomach with satisfaction. ALIX Oh... uh... I mean, some people like the huskier woman. Not that you're husky, of course, I was talking about your Mom... or, rather, I wasn't, at least not until we're legally married and she can't leave me for such a comment. Look, don't take my word for it, I've still got horrible weight issues from my teenage years, you can't take my opinion at face value. I voted for Bush, don't listen to anything I say! KRISTA She doesn't mean it sweetie, really. ALIX You're totally killer hot Jade! JADE You think so? ALIX Yeah-yeah-yeahs! I mean, if you weren't my future wife's daughter I'd totally be comfortable having my dirty way with you. ....... ALIX What? Too weird? KRISTA I never thought I'd see the day where that could become applicable to anything you do, but yes, honey, you managed it. ALIX Well, shucks, I was just trying to make her feel better about being Little Miss Never Been Kissed. JADE :O Wha... what makes you think I've never had a boyfriend!? KRISTA Oh honey save the explanation until after you get a lock for your diary. It's not neccessary. Really. Plus, I'm your mother, so I don't appreciate you lying to me, unless it's really important. As Jade rapidly begins to regret even bothering coming to her Hollywood mother and her neurotic girlfriend for help (and who'd have thought that'd be a bad idea, really?), Krista places a re-assuring hand on her knee. KRISTA When you first came to my house... well, I mean, first time as my daughter... you were so scared I didn't dare sneeze for fear of you leaping into the pool. But you got Maya to like you, without spending a dime. You beat Malaysia to win that gaudy looking belt. What more proof do you need? The world revolves around one thing, confidence. With that you can do anything. You go up to any guy in the world and ask them out and so long as you're confident and you drop in some sort of reminder that you're my daughter and entitled to my fortune when alcohol eventually claims me, they'd be a fool to turn you down! Trust me. JADE Thanks Mom. I'm gonna go get changed somewhere more private. As Jade goes to leave, Krista suddenly springs up. KRISTA OR, you can forget the whole 'men' thing and we'll hook you up with that nice Latino girl Mr and Mrs Weinstein from down the road adopted. She's almost 17 now I think. JADE [i]Thanks Mom.[/i] After rare insistence, sarcastic insistence at that, Jade leaves and Krista goes back to fanning herself. ALIX So, when she comes back in tears are you gonna deal with her? Coz she'll probably still be mad at me about the 'husky' gag. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
alfdogg 0 Report post Posted October 1, 2008 I sent that segment to you, so you can go ahead and post it if you're ready. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
King Cucaracha 0 Report post Posted October 2, 2008 Okay O'Green, you're safe.......... for now. Backstage, Jade Rodez-Duncan walks into an open dressing room. She shuts the door behind her, to reveal that Reject was standing behind it. Reject stands for a second with his hands on his hips, then approaches slowly as Jade goes through her bags. She pulls an outfit out, then turns around to see Reject. She drops the outfit, then takes a step back and gasps, before Reject places a finger over her lips. REJECT Shhhhhhhhhhhhh...it's okay. I'm not here to hurt you. Reject removes the finger from her lips slowly. REJECT No, in fact, I just came in to let you know that everything's going to be OK. You see, I got what I wanted tonight. I've got your Uncle Leon inside a steel cage. No interference, no distractions...just me and him, one-on-one. *crowd cheers* REJECT And tonight, after I've beaten your uncle to a bloody pulp inside that cage...it'll all be over. We can all move on. Reject then takes a towel out of Jade's bag, and flips it around her waist, pulling her up against him. He then begins to stroke Jade's face with his cupped hand. REJECT That means you...will never have to worry about the R-Man doing harm to you, or any of your friends, or family, again. Just as long as you always remember one thing... Reject lifts Jade's face with his index finger and thumb, so that she's looking him in the eyes. REJECT Crossing the R...won't get you far. Reject smiles as he releases Jade, then backs out of her locker room, as a creeped-out Jade looks on. *back to Sofa Central* COLE What a [i]creep.[/i] COACH Maybe so, but he's a focused creep, Cole! Focused on ending this war, once and for all! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
