HD: 2 Jade segments

[King Cucaracha 0]

Backstage, we find Jade Rodez-Duncan, stood at the door of the In Crowd locker room. There on the other side of the divide is none other than Zack Malibu, in mid-conversation, while Jade leans up against the door frame nervously rubbing a hand up and down her right shoulder.

MALIBU
- but listen, you know all about what they're like, right?

JADE
Uh... you could say that, uh-huh.

MALIBU
Well don't worry, things are gonna start turning around here real soon, and for the better, I can promise you that. Look, if you're busy I can always pass a message on to Leon when he shows up, get him to come find you.

JADE
Oh no, no, it wasn't Leon I came to see actually.

MALIBU
Oh?

JADE
Yeah... uhm... look, can I...

Before Jade can finish, in the back of the shot we see BOHEMOTH walking past, setting his bag down next to a folding chair.

JADE
I actually came to speak to Bo. May I?

MALIBU
Go right ahead.

Zack lets Jade past and decides to head off himself, as a clearly still nervous Jade makes her way in. Putting down his copy of Muscle and Fitness, Bohemoth looks up and flicks his shades up over his head as Jade comes to a stop.

BOHEMOTH
Hey Jade, what's up?

JADE
Oh, uh... nothing much. Listen, can... can we talk?

BOHEMOTH
Sure we can, you know I'm always happy to lend an ear. Lemme guess, Maya hogging one of your fourteen bathrooms again?

JADE
Well, something like that... actually, no, nothing like that... uhm... listen, I just wanted to come and ask you... what you thought, about... uh... The Lions firing Matt Millen?

Raising a curious eyebrow, Bohemoth looks up at Jade.

BOHEMOTH
The Lions?

JADE
Yeah. We don't have a team in LA and Mom doesn't really approve of football anyway, maybe because LA doesn't have a team like I said earlier, so I'm sticking with them, but it's not really something I can talk to her about is it? Heh.

BOHEMOTH
Well, I guess I figure it's about time. What about you?

JADE
Me? Ohh... oh, yeah, he was the worst. Couldn't call a play if he was... an announcer at the theatre?

BOHEMOTH
Probably not. Leon's more of an expert on the Lions than me though, maybe you oughta take it up with him.

JADE
Yeah, maybe. Anyway, thank you.

BOHEMOTH
No problem.

Jade turns to leave, but stops. Gritting her teeth she can be seen mumbling something to herself, possibly words of encouragement as she forces herself to turn back around and get Bo's attention away from his muscle mag once more.

JADE
Uh, there was one more [i]teensy[/i] thing.

BOHEMOTH
Shoot.

JADE
Well... look, I was thinking that... maybe one day, after the show... you and me could... uhm, you know... go out sometime? I mean it doesn't have to be tonight or anything and really any time that you're not doing anything else would be fine I just thought it might be nic...

BOHEMOTH
Hang on a second, hold up. *stands up* Are you asking me what I think you're asking me?

Jade sorta nods. Only sorta.

BOHEMOTH
Oh man. Listen, Jade, don't take this the wrong way or anything but, you and me? You're a really sweet girl, but, that's the thing. You're a sweet girl. It just wouldn't work. Hell, we've been friends for something like two years now and I know you probably think that since we get on so well, that's the next step. But it's not how it works. I guess I should be flattered you've got a crush on me... but that's all it is. Okay?

Sadly, Jade hangs her head, managing to give another of her 'sorta nods'.

BOHEMOTH
Listen, I'm sorry. We're still friends, right?

JADE
Of course we are. It's just me being silly, that's all. I don't know what even gave me the idea, heh!

BOHEMOTH
So we're cool?

JADE
Cool as a... ice!

I guess one half-decent metaphor is as much as you can hope for in one segment. Anyway, Jade puts on a smile as she leaves the locker room, only breaking once her back is definately turned to Bohemoth. We hear hurried footsteps scurrying off as Bohemoth just sighs, shaking his head as he goes back to his magazine.

[King Cucaracha 0]

Backstage we find Jade Rodez-Duncan sat alongside gal pal Melody Nerdly. Poor Jade sits with her head buried in her hands, Melody able to sneak in a couple of blocks worth of Tetris DS while she's not looking, before the DS is quickly hidden and her face becomes apologetic again as soon as Jade emerges from her sorry pit of shame.

JADE
Oh my God, I'm so embarrassed. He must think I'm the dumbest girl alive!

MELODY
Oh, come on now... he's met Alix, remember?

JADE
He just looked at me like I was some stupid little kid. What was I even thinking asking him out, he's WAY out of my league! I mean he's way out of both our leagues, he's in a whole 'nother league... stupid, stupid, stupid!

MELODY
Uh... if you remember correctly, I actually went out with him once.

That recollection from OAOAST shows past (seriously, it happened, Melody used to be the cool one in 2006!) doesn't exactly make Jade feel any better and she gets ever closer to sobbing her heart out.

MELODY
I mean... I'm just saying, is all.

JADE
Oh Melody, I should have took your advice back then.

MELODY
What? My advice back then was to ask him out and you were even more young and unexperienced at the time.

Jade gets another step closer to breaking down and Melody is forced to jump in to save herself having to see it.

MELODY
Look, forget that, it never happened. Men In Black that. Flash! Gone. I'm no good at this, I'm sorry. I'd probably be a much better shoulder to cry on if we can wait like 20 minutes and do this over AIM. Face to face conversations aren't really my strongest fortay. Emoticons > Actual emotions. *sees Jade glaring at her* But, I mean, if you wanna do this real world style, then that's cool too. Lemme see... well, uh, okay! All you have to do is prove to him you're not a kid. Show him how mature you are... or, failing that, fake it... then maybe you'll be able to change his mind.

JADE
I don't think that's gonna work.

MELODY
Yeah, but, that's what they'd do on every sitcom I've ever seen and to be honest that's pretty much what I base all my advice on. I mean, if it fails then he'll see you were trying and since you're the heroic figure of the story who the audience is supposed to empaphise with he'll go out with you anyway. Plus we'll all get a cheap laugh at your expence in the process.

Jade glares at Melody.

MELODY
Look, I'm telling you we should be doing this over AIM. I can link you to hundreds of funny GIFs of cats up to mischief to cheer you up. Sadly, I'm allergic to real cats, so without AIM all I can provide is myself.

JADE
It's okay, you're trying your best.

MELODY
Thanks, I guess. Look, maybe it's not that bad. Maybe you can say I put you up to it. As a joke. Then, once you're in the clear, we let him think about whether you really meant it or not. In the meantime, we'll concoct some kind of brilliant scheme to make it look like you're dating MARV.

JADE
Gee, I dunno...

MELODY
Okay, MEL, whatever. Although if you go with the ugly one, the plan might not work so well.

JADE
Mel, they're identical.

Melody continues to formulate her sitcom worthy plan, Jade still a little dubious but beginning to warm to any ideas...



...as behind them, a figure suddenly begins to loom out of the shadows. An intimidating figure. That of MALAYSIA NERDLY!

MELODY
Anyway, you make him jealous...

JADE
I don't think he's gonna be jealous of MARV or MEL really.

MELODY
It doesn't matter who it is, it just has to be someone. Look, trust me, okay. I've seen it hundreds of times on hundreds of shows and it absolutely very rarely fails.

As Melody and Jade continue scheming, Malaysia watches on with a sinister smile. Not before time Jade suddenly gets the unnerving feeling that she's being watched and turns around. At that point, Malaysia suddenly charges out of the shadows with a low roar and grabs hold of Jade, before throwing her face-first into the wall behind her with a *THUD!*  As Jade hits the hard floor with a shout, Melody instantly jumps to her best friend's defence. Leaping onto her massive sister's back she flails wildly at her, only for Malaysia to simply shrug her off and DRIVE her boot into Melody's chest bowling her up and over her seat!!! Melody stays down, while Malaysia goes back over to Jade. She grabs the helpless Women's Champion around the throat and lifts her to her feet, pinning the petrified young Duncan girl up against the wall and leaning right in next to her ear.

MALAYSIA
I'm coming for what's mine... MY belt... next week.

With a shove forward Malaysia releases Jade's neck finally. Gasping for air Jade falls to the floor, still terrified Malaysia isn't done with her yet. Luckily, Malaysia just needs a couple of seconds to take in her victim's fearful strangled breathing, before she walks off satisfied.